₦airaland Forum

*ANTONIO BANDERAS VOICE*

Senorita.... To lo que necesita es la polla

Translation: all you need is dick

mamagee3:
[color=deeppink]Hi guys, I was just wondering is it considered an insult for a guy to give a girl the up and down look?[/color]

Hey, you've been acting horn-y all month, add me on whatsapp or call me on 07064344477 .... I promise you'll stop posting insecure shit....

stupidity:
I was sucking her pvssy like mad when she suddenly pissed on my face, I angrily asked why she did that, she said its normal for girls and its called squirting.
She came around today and had my dlck in my mouth singing praises on it, the urge to piss hold me, I had to piss inside her mouth, she jumped up angrily and asked me what's the meaning of that, I simply replied with "its normal, its called pissing" she got vexed and left, she even refused picking my call till now!!
Please what should I do to calm her?

Wait wait wait ...op wait ....
The truth is, you are a liar, a big one, if guys can relate to this then you are a liar, its very hard or impossible to pass urine when sexually erect, even when you wake in the morning, and you are hard, and you go to pee, it doesn't just comeout until it calms abit....the urethra will never serve two purpose at once, remember that the body affairs is controlled by the brain, and once you are sexually activated, you bladder is shut. That's why you feel like peeing 1-3minutes after cumming ...

So you mean to tell me she got you sexually erect and was sucking you off.. And you peed?

Keep trying mehn,, keep trying ... Your imagination is sour .very very,,, girls who pee as a result of vaginal stimulation couldn't hold the pee anylonger, their bladder couldn't hold the good feeling so it let's go. Please know your facts.....VIRGIN BOY ...know your facts boy

Estharfabian:
Wow! they look so cute....

The hottest Guys Are Always Gay!!!

Look at Sam Smith And Kyle XY! my crushes...All Gone!

You taste in men is gabbage if you say that sam smith is hot ....... Even before the "in the lonely hour" album... The nigga had/has always been fat and shy looking .

GOOD SEX AIN'T LOVE.....

Beware..... Be warned, don't fall a victim...

Highcuerayte:
This dog, is dog, a dog, good dog, way dog, to dog, keep
dog, an dog, idiot dog, like dog, me dog, busy dog, for dog, 30 dog,
seconds dog!

Now read again without the word ''dog''.

I'm sure your father is on NL, and him be romancelander, he opened this thread too

IamLEGEND1:
but when you begin dey sweat while WHINING AND GRINDING on top her........you no go remember her age

Lol... So you got humor ?

OP, were you expecting PA mamphis ?

Shamstiel:
https://www.nairaland.com/vizkiz

Dis person is fake and I av prove I talk to d guy on phone n he say he dnt know nairaland and he is not here before. Pls mods should lock d acct how will u be using someone pix for likes?

I've met a woman that looks just exactly like my mother ... Will show you pictures when I get home, had to drag mumsy to visit her and they snapped together ...... E dey happen... Browse about adenuga's own....

If you become a celebrity and a threatened figure, your replica can be your double ... Wake up bro.....

Just saying shaa .....

naijaboiy:
[color=#1980BC]When you can't do something without caring what people have to say is the beginning of your problems.

What's with you and "haters"?

Can't you just do your thing happily without being scared of criticism?

Or you think everybody will like what you do? [/color]

In my village, when you break kolanut, you'll first greet everybody and the gods(good and bad ones)

[quote author=IamLEGEND1 post=39739729][/quote].

[quote author=IamLEGEND1 post=39739518][/quote]That's what I'm talking about .... The guy that like s attention. Always putting pictures to make a point,....QUESTION: how this guy even read comprehension when him write waec and jamb? Ans: it was summerized into picture for him....

Attention seeker, maybe you can apply makeup, and upload, it'll catch NL's attention

IamLEGEND1:
oya give me summary
so me too fit type "lolz"

The joy of the lord is your strength, like akpororo says, if my joke no make you laugh................then even elijah no fit solve your problems

IamLEGEND1:
I'll read when you trim down the thing

Ahh... My biggest hater .... I know say you love me die ...*nohomo*. I forgot to mention your hate before starting this story...please forgive me sir .... But I see you love this one since you no put your regular (picture hate)

Please give your babe this story to read, she'll laugh and love you more ....

To all that laughed , more will come your way soon ....

IamLEGEND1:
I'll read when you trim down the thing

Ahh... My biggest hater .... I know say you love me die ...*nohomo*. I forgot to mention your hate before starting this story...please forgive me sir .... But I see you love this one since you no put your regular (picture hate)

Testing, testing 1,2,3, yeah yeah, its your boy ezteem again, and I've got free time to write again, and I'll bringing you funny experiences like this every once in a while. Feel free to hate though.... Its allowed

Just like I always say, I love fictions....but real story is my thing, just gimme your eyes and your imagination.

Like you all know from my previous stories, I'm was mischievous growing up, so lemme take you back to 12years...no, no, 14years ago ....

I had just finished common entrance, 524/600, best in my class, mother was proud. So I mostly didn't have to read much except when I prepared for the interview that came after it, I was seeking admission into king's college, which I got in flying colours(floreat! to all KCOB's on NL)

Do You know the saying "monkey see...monkey do". That's the basis of my story, you see, there's a beer parlour just in front of my house, and we go there to buy soft drinks, and pure water bag, we see people smoking cigarette,drinking and lavishing life ...
Same way you go to bus parks and you see conductors smoking and calling OJUELEBGA! OJUELEGBA!..and the agbero boys with their thick scary voices "OGA PAY MONEY FOR LOADING", they also have sticks of cigarette in their hands.... All these things register into your brain unconsciously, when you seat on your brothers lap in the danfo bus waiting for it to fill up....

Another thing that registers is the way we scoop up the chalk powder from our classrooms. And make cigarettes, if you can relate .
So here starts my story, my younger sis, younger cousins and I were role playing ,

NB: role playing is like, mummy and daddy, market woman and buyer .

But today we choose to play as driver, conductor and agbero, and as the oldest, I was the agbero.... We don play for a few hours, It was getting boring, so as the creative one, I decided to step up the fun, I tore a few sheets of paper and lit it, dragged and puffed..... All I said in my head was
"wow so this is all about their smoking, so what's the hard thing there"
So I made a few more sticks and shared it, the room was getting cloudy after a few stick and we were catching our fun.... And GHEN GHEN.......... my elder bros came back from school...

Looking tired after a heavy sun beating, he was attending GCL eric-moore at that time.

After a few slaps , he threatened to tell mummy, that's was where I experienced the first ever blackmail of my life... He didn't even send the rest. He just rained everything on me.

I ran his errands, washed his clothes, polished his sandals.... And as an african kid, we always see meat as the reward for eating, but my brother started eating my meat,
Oh jesus, see my life ... Meatless, fishless, moneyless.... I went on for a month and slowly I summoned courage. One day, my uncle came from abj to visit us, and when he was leaving, he dashed us all 500 naira each.... A whole 500 naira , can you believe my brother wanted that money?
I told him, "you can go ahead and tell mummy, its been 1month I'll just deny". I never knew that experience comes with age, and he was wiser, more experienced and didn't even send me.
All he said was "if I count 5, and you don't gimme that money, I'll report you"

I played deaf, and 1, 2, 3, 4,4and half , 4-one quarter, 5, he entered the parlour and told mumsy..... I immediately followed and said it was a lie...... Unknown to me, my wicked brother had already kept all the souvenir from the smoking at a safe, secret position so we'll never spoil his business(I'm now his office)... he just brought it out, and from my countenance, mumsy knew it was true....

"What will I do with this boy" my mumsy asked , go and bring my cane,she called the boys that serve her, the held me tight and mumsy started flogging, KPAA,.....1, I screamed ,my brother laughed, but as a bad guy I didn't want him to have the last laugh. So I hardened my nyash KPAA.....2, I chest am, 3,4,5,6 and I didn't want to show weakness.... "So you have grown strong abi? , ZEBEZEE, come and help me flog this boy,
Now lemme tell you about zebedee, he's one of my mumsy's boys, the leader, the muscular one, he got muscular from years of carrying cylinder gas that my mumsy sells... Yoruba go call am "EBA IGBO" .... He's short and muscle packed ...

Back to my story, I knew in my mind that I was all over.... I was fond of insulting zebedee and calling him short man.... And he couldn't touch his madam's son nah... But today,(oh God please help me). He gave me a coy smile and rubbed the cane as he warmed his shoulders....

The other guys held me tight and.....

KABLAM,,,,, electric ran through my brain, shock waves through my spine, my nyash was telling me "boy this is a new kind of pain", it was asking me to die so it doesn't feel this pain.. With my last power like samson, I pulled my self off their hold, screamed like a wounded lion, with my ass burning hot, I ran to the new aquarium my mumsy bought, and sat on it...I didn't care if the fish will bite....

I don't know maybe I heard a sizzle sound, all I could remember was I sighed with relief , and my nyash temperature was brought to normal.... As I look up The whole people that we trying to flog and kill me we just falling around the sitting room, come see laughter .and zebedee was feeling like Achilles of troy .. Mumsy had to forgive me, the first zebedee stroke was like 24strokes that she proposed .... Until zebedee left the house to start up his own shop.... I never commited a felony in that house again....

I hope you enjoyed it...please feel free to hate .... Till I write you another story, its your boy ezteem..bye

chukwubuzor123:
what exactly were you expecting, to view something that will drastically destroy your sole?

Op, please read your bible very well, its called and spelt "S.O.U.L" not SOLE, this gbagaun wey you release around 1am, when witches dey fly, how you wan cast them from disturbing your SOLE?

Please practice your spelling

kazolad:
Hello nairalanders, i am 26 years old , a graduate, i met a girl some weeks ago through a friend and since then we have become so close. last week, i told her that i love her, i want to be more than a friend to her. Without winning words, she accepted my request and since then we have been chatting all day, cracking jokes, having phone intimacy conversation etc.Yesterday, she told me that she will pay me a visit the following week and am scared she might ask for sex. I never told her in the first instance that am a virgin. Should i tel her the truth?

Lemme give you hint..... My first ever was about 4mins or less, I hit the second round and it was as long as 10-15minutes ....

Best advice: jerkoff twice, 10minutes prior to her coming....

2nd best advice: 1bottle of hot orijin and a tablet of 200g tramadol, 1hr before she shows....

3rd best advice: bring her over to my house. She needs a pro's touch ...lol, joking

But what's a 26yr old looking for in virgin island ?

frankcris:
Actually it depends on ur definition of a virgin...like me, I've had sex but not alot so i still consider myself a virgin...i intended to reach a certain amount before i can say am no longer a Virgin.

#denzelvoice# my nigga , hehehehe

ewaski:
nice one bro,keep it coming.

More to come bro... When I've got free time

I like to tell that I love fictions... But I think when real stories are told there's much morals to be picked from....

People have grown to either investigate and hate my stories... Sometimes girls.... and sometimes specific guys who don't have joy(iamLEGEND... I'm a second born boy and I'm very mischievous, though its better now, I was the kind of kid that will tie a wall gecko to banger(knockout 3-sound) during xmas period to see the impact... The type that catches pregnant lizards and remove its eggs and set it free.... But I know someone like "IamLEGEND" will investigate this so lemme get straight to the story for today....

It all happened some 12 yrs ago.... When my elder brother was primed in puberty, I was 12 he was 14 and already having the "I like that girl"... "Can you see how fine that girl is " phase of life...

A few months back, a new family moved into our street, and they stay opposite our house, they had 5children, 2girls 2boys and another girl, the other girl is more of a babysitter, you know, the ones they bring from village but she was cute...
I'll call the baby sitter MORGAN,

Morgan and my elder bros got along very quickly and I caught them making out once when I got back from school, I was in JSS3, and was de-boarded for scaling out of school... KC boys knew what it was like @maincampus... So I became a day student again like in JSS1.

One very good day, my brother told me, "look at morgan's sisters (they are twins actually), why don't you date and be kiSsing elder twin.. The twins were unidentical so the elder one was a rapid growth girl (she was 10 at that time but had bust already)... That statement my brother made triggered the testosterone in me...plus the way guys in school told that they have girlfriends and they've kissed and pressed boobs...

Thank you lord, see my opportunity... If to say na 2015 I for dance skelewu...so morgan started bringing the older twin, I'll call her IGGY, iggy and I were just gisting, she's effing innocent, and didn't know my plans, so I used to playfully touch her boobs and kiss her.. They boy no get mind to do am outrightly .. But when ever she's called my girlfriend, the childish mentality takes over...she starts to act funny.. I can't clearly remember what happened but morgan stopped visiting my brother, so automatically iggy too did, and we stopped seeing because it was now junior waec period and we used to have extension classes and I'll be back by 6:30 or 7pm at times ...
Her younger brother, he last born was about 7 or 8 then, he always came to my house because we had sega and he'll wanna watch my brother play with friends, and in KC, we were made to buy our own typewriters for business studies typing in the junior waec...
On one sunday morning, I saw iggy going to church and the whole vibe returned, and in my spare time when practising speed and accuracy for business study exam...I wrote a love letter... It was well typed and then I used marker to design it... Coz I sabi draw and doodle well, but I no get the mind or scenario to give am the letter...

So unluckily for me, her younger brother came to my house on a day I was practising, I don't know how it happened but he stole a few of the sheets in my typing file...I don't know what he'll do with the paper but her coincidentally carried the love letter..... How I wan know.... Everything in the file is just junk... Pure junk...

Fast forward 5days ....I came back from school, a man that sells drinks just in front of my house was hailing me and calling me "DIKE" and saying in igbo that my manhood must now be very functional ...I still didn't understand until around 8 in the night,I was asleep, when my mumsy's boy-boy forced me out into the sitting room,

Lemme catch you up on what happened.. The boys mumsy was washing and you know how mothers will search pocket while washing? She saw the papers and read them each out of curiosity. The thing burst her head... The girl's father in conjunction with her uncles came to fight a mature man(a paedophile), the one that's trying to spoil their 10 year old daughter.. That wrote that very mind sweeping letter ...

When the boy-boy brought me out, lo and behold. Them weak, my brother had already denied me.... And says he doesn't know about this... mumsy said" here is your culprit".

People that came with sticks and weapon to beat up a child molester we demoralised, and after a few word of advice and knocks on my coconut head, they left saying..." Woman,.....watch your other kids with one eye, and this one with one eye"

Now that they've gone, my mumsy made me stand in front f everyone and I read the letter out loud.... "See my life"....she asked me where I copied it from and I said nowhere, she said she was impressed that I could be this creative, then we went the nigerian way, I was tied to a bench at the balcony and flogged till I lost my voice.... All I remember was crying like my volume was on 2%..... I couldn't even go to school the next day....

Believe me, till today, not only have I never talked to iggy again, I have never written a love letter.... Ever ..ever again.....

Thanks for reading...more mischievous stories to come your way soon.... Till I'm bored enough to write again.... Bye

Lilyomi:
Last borns r usually intelligent, stubborn, fearless and curious. I'm one.

Last borns are unforgiving,easily depressed, independent, highly selfish when it comes to responsibility, and they are sometimes spend thrift because they were on the receiving side for a long time

[quote author=IamLEGEND1 post=39590374][/quote]Read your personal message" Riding through this NL province in my automobile,igniting and inhaling a particularly potent bit of marijuana. simultaneously ingesting my orijin. Relaxing, with my mind contemplating my currency and my currency occupying my mind"

You are not a stoner ... You are a junkie ... I'm sure you don't know who a stoner is .... But all the same . Your mama must be proud she's got a legend

BreezyCB:
Ahahaha

Nice mehn.... I laugh it off when ever I remember this experience ....
Niggaz who hate or don't laugh have motivated me to even finish the story...

Their problem is bigger than laughter ... I like to write.. That's what forums are for..and I don't have open new accounts to tell my stories....when I know its true .... The girl in the story and I spoke on facebook today... And it took my mind back ...

naijaboiy:
[color=#1980BC]So you're no longer in UNN hill top hostel,now it's FUTO huh?

Mtcheew...glides out of thread. [/color]

M sure you have a problem with reading...I got an admission but couldn't go because I didn't have the o'level result ... So I stayed back and got unn the next year.... Its like your good at investigating ? ..... Go join the fight against boko harram

Today is another day to reminisce On my mischievous teenage life but before I do.... I like to tell that I love fictions... But I think when real stories are told there's much morals to be picked from....

Before I continue, I'll like to say "floreat" to all the KCOB on NL... But this aint a KC story. Its a year after we wore the blue KCOB cap and dashed junior boys money.... Lol..memeorable

I got admission into futo to study engineering, but I didn't make chemistry and physics in waec... I was bad on my seeing my set guys flaunt their matric gowns on facebook...but I bear am like man... Na lie, I cried.
So mumsy wanted to enrol me for external waec the next year but I have never experienced a mixed school in my teenage life... And there is this girl I always saw in my area when I came back for hols.. I said I must go to this school... I stalked her one morning and saw the school location..

Fastfoward 3months later , I was already wearing the school uniform and the girl became my tight paddy, then I lost interest in her after we did it ,because she had a bf ..... I didn't lose interest cos I had player instincts or because there were other fishes to nab...

I lost interest because I met another girl... In the same school.. I'll call her MINAJ... . She was everything I could crush on everything I should crush on... And in a week, everybody knw we were together... Minaj Is a muslim girl, conc' muslim girl...

Fast foward 1months again. It was exam period.. I had started to take my books more serious, can't afford to cry again... She was having problems with maths so after writting mine, I helped her with hers and she was so grateful she didn't know how to repay me... So I kissed her after school that day... She slapped me and went home..

The next day, she sneaked me out during break, appologised and we went like we were running errand for a teacher,,, mehn she took me home.... She lives in a mosque. Behind the mosque, her father is the imam in the mosque...

Everywhere was quiet, no soul was in or around the compound, I smiled in my heart, it was well calculated, she gave me coke and told me to feel relaxed..... 5minutes later she came out on only pant and bra and sat on my legs.... I was nervous ... See this girl wey I dey fantasize how I go marry and carry her to different parts of the world, she's now at my lap trying to seduce me..
No, no, not seduce me.... Respond to yesterday....

Kai.. So that kiss got to her ?.. she told me she saw what she's doing in a movie and she's not able to rest since I kissed her .... All that was falling to deaf ears, I had already removed her bra and started sucking her bobby... Like it'll lactate and gimme milk ...

She removed my tie, I stood up and placed her on the couch, I wanted to remove her panties so I'll know that I atleast saw her kittykat... Coz most of my class girls and ss2 girls were naïve. They only let you kiss and suck bobby... Never go below the waist like boxing or na DQ.

Ehen where was I, so as I remove the pant and was doing the finger action coz she wasn't letting me come in yet...., na so the entrance burglary make creek-sound... The door opened and I heard" allahu akbaru".
I look back and nicki ran into the room... Her popsy was standing at the door, with two other guys, I think they are guys that serve him... He just told them to hold me down and the other one should bring cutlass....

Part 2 loading

Leopantro:
Have you heard of a joule thief? You can use two AA batteries to power a CFL energy saving bulb for 3hrs. Have done it before. I also have some DC DC converters ; using a power bank of 5v output, I power a portable 12V TV.
Search YouTube and be enlightened.

Do you think 12v can cook shit ? It'll only produce heat that'll make your phone hot...that's it ...

madridguy:
The genius behind this deserves National award. This is incredible.

This thing is creative my ass.. It also needs charcoal.... The battery make the rotor to fan the charcoal.... Its simple.. Drycell can never give off heat that'll cook food.. Imagine the amount of watts your electric stove ? Or when you plug iron and it draws light ... Wtf are they showing you guys..

In simple terms ..I'll call it a charcoal stove that doesn't need fanning .

Please see your gas and buy this crap...

Jollyjoy:
you have call odas worse names

Link....

Jollyjoy:
This latest trend is kinda becoming boring,if his online lifestyle does nt suite your kinda person,just avoid or bypass his posts and thread,wetin concern u self

The guy called me an idiot ....

https://www.nairaland.com/alexis007

Just scrolled through his profile (Alexis007)and posts.... Na this guy holy pass oh ....na him serious pass ...na him dey always do the right thing pass ...na him sabi correct people mistakes .... Abeg I go like see your pic....
How come you came in 2015? Na you for come as john the baptist or elijah nah....

Just looking for posts to say something right about ..and call people idiot... If you be freedom fighter, nigeria needs you... Go NTA, they'll spare you 5mins to tell nigerians your mind....

I hope your nairaland correct life is directly proportional to your real life

Please people this guy is the next martin luther king jnr.

https://www.nairaland.com/alexis007

alexis007:
Ogbeni stop jonsing joor. For God's sake you're a product of a school with class. The announcement of your sexcapades isn't necessary, to say the least. Abi everything must turn up for Nairaland?

Nigga don over-cast. Trust Hilltop guys- You are going to be at the receiving end of many derogatory jokes once school resumes. You fit even reign pass 'cucmber' if there isn't enough luck on your side.

Mtschewwww. Nonsense boy.

Kk