Fajani's Posts
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U dote her too much love, she resists it, u shw her small, she asks for more.. It is just like a love formulae Hiding your feelings might be a key to a long life relationship... |
read the other day some verses written by an eminent painter which were original and not conventional. The soul always hears an admonition in such lines, let the subject be what it may. The sentiment they instil is of more value than any thought they may contain. To believe your own thought, to believe that what is true for you in your private heart is true for all men, — that is genius. Speak your latent conviction, and it shall be the universal sense; for the inmost in due time becomes the outmost,—— and our first thought is rendered back to us by the trumpets of the Last Judgment. Familiar as the voice of the mind is to each, the highest merit we ascribe to Moses, Plato, and Milton is, that they set at naught books and traditions, and spoke not what men but what they thought. A man should learn to detect and watch that gleam of light which flashes across his mind from within, more than the lustre of the firmament of bards and sages. Yet he dismisses without notice his thought, because it is his. In every work of genius we recognize our own rejected thoughts: they come back to us with a certain alienated majesty. Great works of art have no more affecting lesson for us than this. They teach us to abide by our spontaneous impression with good-humored inflexibility then most when the whole cry of voices is on the other side. Else, to-morrow a stranger will say with masterly good sense precisely what we have thought and felt all the time, and we shall be forced to take with shame our own opinion from another. There is a time in every man's education when he arrives at the conviction that envy is ignorance; that imitation is suicide; that he must take himself for better, for worse, as his portion; that though the wide universe is full of good, no kernel of nourishing corn can come to him but through his toil bestowed on that plot of ground which is given to him to till. The power which resides in him is new in nature, and none but he knows what that is which he can do, nor does he know until he has tried. Not for nothing one face, one character, one fact, makes much impression on him, and another none. This sculpture in the memory is not without preestablished harmony. The eye was placed where one ray should fall, that it might testify of that particular ray. We but half express ourselves, and are ashamed of that divine idea which each of us represents. It may be safely trusted as proportionate and of good issues, so it be faithfully imparted, but God will not have his work made manifest by cowards. A man is relieved and gay when he has put his heart into his work and done his best; but what he has said or done otherwise, shall give him no peace. It is a deliverance which does not deliver. In the attempt his genius deserts him; no muse befriends; no invention, no hope. |
[sup][/sup][right][/right][color=#550000][/color]Life for rent |
Life for rent |
The TIME 100 is an annual list of 100 most influential people in the world whose works are changing the world, regardless of the consequences of their actions. President-elect, Maj. Gen Muhammadu Buhari (retd), who was named in the Time Magazine annual 100 influential people in the world list, did not attend the Gala held at Lincoln Center in New York. The gala is put together to celebrate the 100 influential people in the world. The TIME 100 is an annual list of 100 most influential people in the world whose works are changing the world, regardless of the consequences of their actions. Buhari made history in March by becoming the first candidate to oust a sitting Nigerian President through the ballot box and was described as ‘A new choice for Nigeria’ by TIME. Former Minister of Education and Bring Back Our Girls campaigner, Obiageli Ezekwesili attended the gala and called on President Barrack Obama of the United States of America to help find the girls abducted by Islamist group Boko Haram. |
well, it might be a good omen |
Presided over by Speaker Jumoke Akindele, the assembly claimed that Mr. Olanusi committed offenses that contravene section 188 (2) of the 1991 constitution of the Federal Republic of Nigeria. The clerk of the state assembly, Bode Akinyelu, read the seven- count charges allegedly committed by the deputy governor at a poorly attended plenary session. "Pursuant to the provision of section 188 of the Constitution of the Federal Republic of Nigeria, We the undersigned members for the Ondo State House of Assembly pursuant to our enabling powers under section 188 (2) of the 1991 constitution of the present to the Speaker the following allegations of gross misconduct against the Deputy Governor, Alhaji Ali Olanusi.” The majority leader of the Assembly, Ifedayo Olugbenga Akinsoyinu, representing Ondo West Constituency II, moved the motion for impeachment and was seconded by Adeyinka Banso representing Akoko North West constituency I. Saharareporters exclusively got copies of the seven allegations of gross misconduct against Mr. Olanusi, including names of the lawmakers that signed the impeachment notice. However, two lawmakers,Fola Olasehinde and Gbenga Edema, who defected to the All Progressives Congress (APC) from the Peoples Democratic Party (PDP), were absent at the session. Below are the alleged offenses leveled against Mr. Olansui and obtained by SaharaReporters. 1. “That Alhaji Ali Olanusi, being the holder of the office of Deputy Governor, permitted and condoned the perpetration of fraudulent activities in the office of the Deputy Governor in that Alhaji Bola Idris Olanusi, the younger brother and Special Assistant in the office of the Deputy Governor procured false LPO’s with the knowledge of Alhaji Ali Olanusi and obtained from one EHISO RESOURCES INTERNATIONAL LIMITED, two (02) Trucks of AGO with forged documents and for personal benefits, thereby putting the office of the Deputy Governor into Disrepute 2. “That Alhaji Ali Olanusi being the holder of the office of Deputy Governor of Ondo state and having full knowledge that his younger brother, Alhaji Bola Idris Olanusi, who at all material time was his personal staff had engaged in activities unbecoming of officials of Government refused to sanction, query or discipline the said staff, thus, bringing the office of the Deputy Governor into disrepute” 3. “That Alhaji Ali Olanusi, being the holder of the office of Deputy Governor of Ondo State engaged in Press Release and interview with various media outlets especially at pages 50 and 51 of the Saturday Punch of April 18, 2015 publication wherein false allegations were leveled against the Governor who was falsely portrayed as (i) A person who instigated the carting away of Ballot Boxes. (ii) A person who instigated the killing of people in Ondo state. (iii) A person who disrespects the Judiciary. (iv) A person who worked against the interest of the President. (v) A person who bribed the electorate. When the said Alhaji Ali Olanusi was at all materials times, the Deputy Governor in the same Government, an act which amounts to gross misconduct under the Constitution. 4. “That Alhaji Ali Olanusi, being the holder of the office of Deputy Governor of Ondo State, engaged in Absenteeism and truancy by regularly absenting himself from office, place of work and ll other official engagements especially on 13th, 14th, 15th, 16th, and 17th of April and Monday, 20th of April , 2015 without lawful excuses or authorization but generally acting in a manner inconsistent with the dictates and expectations of the high office of the Deputy Governor of a State, thus, undermining the governance process, an act which amount to gross misconduct under the Constitution. 5. “That Alhaji Ali Olanusi, being the holder of the office of Deputy Governor on or about Wednesday 15th April 2015 caused his security aides to shoot indiscriminately at peaceful protesters along Fiwasaiye/Oba Adesida Road in Akure thus creating panic, breakdown of law and order, and general sense of insecurity within the State under pretext that the said protesters disrupted his convoy, an act unbecoming of holder of high office of the Deputy Governor. 6. “That Alhaji Ali Olanusi, being the holder of the office of Deputy Governor at various dates collected various sums of money for the purpose of traveling and medical bill as follows: 2009 (N8, 175, 410), 2010 (N8, 952, 600), 2013 (N10, 833, 200) and 2014 (N11, 328, 100) when in actual fact, the said Alhaji Ali Olanusi did not travel on the said specified dates or did not travel at all and, or did not expand the approved medical bills as appropriate, thereby unlawfully enriching himself and/causing loss to the State Government. 7. “That Alhaji Ali Olanusi, being the holder of the office of Deputy Governor engaged in political conduct designed to undermine the office of the Governor by ensuring political disaffection and deliberate working at cross purpose with the Governor and the Executive Council of the State with a view to destabilizing the State government by openly canvassing for the impeachment of the Governor following the Presidential Election conducted on 28th of March, 2015 which amounts to an act of gross misconduct under the provisions of the Constitution”, the accusation read. Speaking after the sitting, the Chairman of the House Committee on Information, Kunle Olujuyigbe said the allegations leveled against the Deputy Governor is yet to be substantiated and would be given opportunity to defend himself. “The allegation is not substantiated yet. It is for him (Ali Olanusi) to defend himself. The Deputy Governor would still be giving opportunity to defend himself”, Olujuyigbe said. But, the Deputy Governor, Ali Olanusi has reacted to the noticed of impeachment saying he was yet to served any noticed officially adding that he would fully reacts to the any allegation against him when he is lawfully informed. "I am yet to be officially informed about this development. The Ondo State House of Assembly is note and familiar with making Laws and passing resolutions without sitting or recording. There are many repetitive events in this regard. “A case in hand was the passage of the OSOPADEC budget last year 2014. You will get my full reaction if and whenever I'm officially and lawfully informed", Ali said in terse sent to Journalists. The House of Assembly has adjourned their sitting till today Wednesday by 10 AM. |
The Ondo State House of Assembly on Tuesday said it had served Deputy Governor Ali Olanusi a notice of impeachment based on seven counts of alleged gross misconduct in office. |
falconey:Can't STP laughing. u don spoilt... |
1.Go to places you wouldn't ordinary be caught dead in. To be with him you'd go to a dive, play pool and drink beer despite your refined qualities and Vassar diploma. Sure, you'd prefer an elegant candle-light dinner for two at a 5-star restaurant. But the lava lamps are amusing, especially when they shine against the tequila bottle with that little worm inside. And you don't mind the musty smell, the sawdust on the floor and the bartender who speaks gibberish. Why? You are with him at "his" favorite place. If you consistently lower your standards to honor his comfort zone, soon you'll tolerate anything. Love is an environment you create between you. 2Pretend you enjoy watching brutal sports. In the name of togetherness, you put on a football jersey, memorize NFL statistics and root for his favorite team. Every time the offense tackles you grimace, close your eyes and feel pain in your bones. But you realize football is a religion and women only "rise from the fall" by joining in. So you echo his cheers, mimic his groans and settle in for a few hours of brutality. You vow later to light candles for the injured. Love tolerates no brutality. 3.Get a tattoo to match his. Yes, you want him to think of you as his soulmate. So, you get a tattoo to match his or one that is complementary and have it inked on a discrete spot. When it's revealed he'll think, "What are the odds of that?" He'll naturally claim you are "the one". Playing a cosmic joke just to be cute is one thing, but tricking a guy into thinking you are his destiny, may force fate to reveal the truth in way you won't like. Love is etched in the heart not on your skin. 4Spend two hours in front of the mirror so that you look adorable. Pigtails in the morning, hair draping over your shoulders in the afternoon, hair up in the evening, you change your look to suit his mood. There is nothing wrong with wanting to put your best face forward, but never allowing him to see your blemishes or hair mussed only proves that you believe beauty is only skin deep. If it is love you are after let him see you "au naturel". Loving eyes see no imperfection. 5.Put up with a boyfriend's rude friends. Yes, crude, sloppy and unruly is the way you'd describe his friends. And their disgusting "women jokes" make you choke. But they are your love mate's choice in friends after all and confronting their rudeness might upset the apple cart. So, you bite your tongue and serve them plenty of snacks. Occasionally, you even laugh along as they Insult womanhood. Yes, it would be nice if he would confront them, but he only smiles and winks at you. If he truly loved you he would stand in the fire of their disrespect and ask them to stop. True love never tolerates disrespect. 6.Ooze pleasantries. Yes, nice girls say only nice things, flatter their man, and sing his phrases. No, you don't want to say the wrong thing. So, you put on a smile and tell him you had the perfect day at work when in truth it was the worst workday in your history. Maybe your mother told you a man doesn't like a complaining woman or one who is opinionated. So you stick to the pleasantries until you can trust he can handle a complaint or two. Love isn't always about saying pleasant things. Nor is love oozy and sticky. Love is powerful and says it all. 7.Drive across town for his favorite pizza when you are in the mood for Chinese. There is nothing wrong with going out of your way to please a guy. But when you drop everything and hit the Los Angeles freeway during rush hour driving 20 miles in the pouring rain for his favorite thick-crust pizza, don't you think you are going overboard? Proving your love for him shouldn't be that much work. You want to wet his palate for you not for pizza. Love is food. 8. Overspend on his necessities. Maybe your motto is: "Bar no expense to make him happy." Sure you'll consider his expenditures on your credit card a loan. And why not cosign on a car loan because his credit score is 300, the lowest score possible. And just because he always seems to have forgotten his wallet when you go shopping doesn't mean he's dishonest and a leach. You're sure he will reciprocate as soon as he finds a decent job. If your guy thinks your bankroll is his "destiny", he'll consider it his "privilege" to sap you dry. Remember! "Money can't buy you love." 9. Befriend his parents thinking they hold the key to his heart. You make it a strategy to befriend his parents. Your thinking is that if you can win their affection, he's in your pocket. So you spend more on them at Christmas than on your own parents, drive his mom anywhere she wants to go, paint her toenails to match yours and rethink her wardrobe to give her a boost. Finally, you tell her you always wanted a big sister. And dad? You let him think you need his fatherly advice at least twice a week. The funny thing about it all is that you do like them. Therefore, it is easy to schmooze them and slide into the security of knowing you won their hearts. But this strategy may backfire if your guy thinks you have teamed up with his parents against him. Love needs few reinforcements.Ultimately, if it's love you want then love for yourself comes first. Consider your needs before you consider his. Rather then moving into his life bring him into yours so that he can see a woman's world is soulful. Then feed his soul not his habits. Ladies If u are not fit to do the above things, May be u are not fit to Love....... |
Iamfrank:It is nothing but a love portion, looking into her eyes is like when u have been confessed... you can Sell all your properties and give it out to her, if she demands it..... Fear her.. being with her is like being in bondage.... Go far far away for such girl if you need your life.. make sure she didn't have ur picture.. bro, fast and pray.... |
Lala247:U mean our friendship could not be more than this.. |
Hundreds of Nigerian protesters on Monday stormed the offices of South African companies in Abuja and Benin City, Edo State, to protest the ongoing xenophobic attacks on foreigners, especially Nigerians, in South Africa.http://www.punchng.com/news/nigerians-protest-at-mtn-multichoice-shoprite-offices-outlets/ |
Lala247:Yes... Let me add u on whatsapp |
nnaemy2013:u just make that lil bro erect |
Lala247:seriously Lala247 I want to be ur Frnd apart of this Nairaland. |
Lala247:I sight you...... |
As the Adage says,''Trust no one'', We are dealing with human being with blood flowning through their Vein.. The relationship of my Best friend to my GF will have a class or level, Dodge a Satan to dodge you. I won't give a chance of putting flame on a roof..... If the landlord is not vigilant enough then his properties belong to the thieves..... becareful, relationship is a fragile thing. handle with care... |
vjsmiles:[size=14pt] guy I guess u take dope........ [/size] [/font] vjsmiles:[size=14pt] guy I guess u take dope........ [/size] [/font] vjsmiles:[size=14pt] guy I guess u take dope........ [/size] [/font] |
Orlahmeedey:you are in a wrong place madam |
pls post Ladies own. I love reading anything abt Ladies, but for guys I am into it already.... |
tabaralph:He said '' my plead was not a cowardice''. Dnt u see he is a beast of the highest order, God father of the touts...... TOUT///// Tyranny will only bring destruction....... Blind fool of Ekiti State I bid u farewell........ |
FLAWLES:............. say something...... |
Back when we were dating, I told my wife I loved her before she was ready to say it back. I was totally okay with this and here's the reason why: I have always been the "safe guy" who waited for my previous girlfriends to fall for me before I even considered falling for them. I was very guarded in my emotions...too guarded. Previous girlfriends have always expressed more than I could reciprocate. Subsequently, I was never emotionally challenged or vulnerable. Love came too easy. I never fought for it. In fact, this had been a significant contributor for my failure in progressing in previous relationships - a failure to fully commit my emotions to my partner. In my 30's, I began to fear that I was too far set in my ways. When I met my wife, I knew I had fallen for this woman. I struggled internally about when to express this love. The old part of me wanted to wait as I usually did for some guarantee that she would reciprocate. But something about her made me impatient, crazy and excited. To quote a movie "When you meet the person you want to spend the rest of your life with, you want the rest of your life to start right now!" I came to the realization that I needed to break out of my safe zone. It was more important that I say those three words than to hear them said back. I needed to confirm to myself that I was wiling to change for this woman, that I was willing to fight for this woman. I knew with certainty that she wasn't ready to reciprocate when i told her I loved her. She deeply thanked me and instantly I was in uncharted territory. But even in the face of her uncertainty, I was even more certain that I had found my soulmate - someone that I was willing to change for, someone that I was ready to be 100% vulnerable for...because that's what love is, isn't it? The ability to intertwine your life with another - and there's nothing more unsafe about it yet nothing more comforting when realized. P.S. she has since said she loves me...and everyday afterwards. |
many likes to that |
Na. if Na before that day Na GEJ DO am but if Na after like a week Na GMB DO am.. |
South African, south African south African. how many times did I call you.. I swear with my Whole life. u will come begging, unresisting one..... we will look you and smile and say you are our boys... |
Following xenophobic attacks by South Africans against foreigners, particularly those of African descent, Nigerians have been counting their losses with the Nigerian Consul-General, Ambassador Uche Ajulu-Okeke saying the loss by Nigerians included looted shops, burnt shops, two burnt mechanic workshops, 11 burnt cars and two stolen cars, among others. Speaking with News Agency of Nigeria, NAN on phone, Ambassador Ajulu-Okeke said “Nigerians have compiled damages to their property and it is totalling about 1.2 million Rand or N21 million, which will be sent to the Federal Government for further action” She said that in Durban, two of the three Nigerians who were wounded during attacks had been treated and discharged from the hospital. The consul-general said that she would go back to Durban to assess the situation on ground and meet with the provincial authority on security of Nigerians in that Province. “The Nigerian mission in South Africa is on top of the situation. We are working hard to protect Nigerians in South Africa. “Though, the task has not been easy, we are trying our best. In one of the hot spots at Jeppe, near Johannesburg, the mission assisted about 50 stranded Nigerians to re-settle. “I have also visited the site of the attacks in Johannesburg to assess the damage and it was enormous,” she said. She said the Nigerian mission would meet with all Nigerian Union chapters in the nine provinces of South Africa to find strategies on how to check the attacks. “I am bringing all Nigerians together so that we work out a vigilance and alert mechanism; they will also tell me what their challenges and issues are,” she said. Okeke said the mission and the Nigerian Union had been working cordially to meet the challenges caused by the xenophobic attacks on Nigerians. SAFA moves against xenophobia, plan football matches Meanwhile, alarmed by the attacks, South African Football Association, SAFA, Chief Executive Officer, Dennis Mumble said the country’s national team will play two international friendly matches against neighbouring countries in a bid to sensitise the public on the evils of xenophobia. “We want to use the two high-profile international friendly matches as an instrument to unite this continent. What has been happening in the past few days have really left most people in a shock and dismayed,”he said According to him, “Nelson Mandela spoke of the power of sport in uniting people from different walks of life and we want to use the power of football to unite this continent and kick out this scourge within certain malcontents in our society. We are one continent, one Africa, we are all Africans and we say no to xenophobia,” Mumble added. South Africa has in recent days witnessed a spate of some of the most violent xenophobic attacks with at least seven people killed in Durban and Johannesburg. NLC, COSATUU condemn attacks Reacting to the attacks, the Nigeria Labour Congress (NLC) in a statement signed by its Deputy President, Isaa Aremu said it joined its counterpart Federation, the Congress of South African Trade Unions (COSATUU) “to condemn the reckless violent attacks on African working people and nationals in South Africa with unacceptable resultant avoidable destruction of lives and properties”. According to the statement, “the latest round of attacks was reportedly instigated by the Zulu King in the Kwazulunatal region in South Africa. It has since spread to other commercial cities like Durban and Johannesburg. Kindly note that similar attacks in January this year claimed several lives. In January, looters burned businesses owned by foreigners. In 2008, Seven years ago, in Johannesburg, anti-immigrant violence claimed many innocent lives. Most of the victims were Zimbabweans who had fled repression and dire economic circumstances. As many as 200 people were arrested on various charges, including rape, murder, robbery and theft. These serial xenophobic attacks on innocent African workers are grossly unwarranted, condemnable and unacceptable. “We believe that African workers have a right to seek legitimate work anywhere in the continent based on the dream and ideals set by the founding fathers such as Kwame Nkruma, Julius Nyerere, Abubakar Tafawa Balewa, Nnamdi Azikiwe, Nelson Mandela among others. “The xenophobic attacks in South Africa is a reflection of the crisis of governance in Africa as reflected by the worsening poverty and unemployment rate in the continent”. “We therefore call on the African Union to prevail on the South African authorities to take immediate measures to protect and safeguard the lives and properties of migrants and indeed all nationals resident in South Africa and ensure that real compensations are paid to the families of all who lost their family members and relations and also for the loss of properties. “It is time that Governments on the continent are compelled by their citizens to work for the common good of the people. In this direction, we will liaise with our counterpart in South Africa to join in the struggle to ensure that migrant workers do not suffer irresponsible losses anymore”. Multichoice reacts Also reacting, MultiChoice Africa, the continent’s premier pay-TV company, has described as appalling the violence being visited on foreigners in South Africa. MultiChoice Africa in a statement said “those affected by the wave of anti-foreigner violence happen to be brothers and sisters to their assailants which is abominable and strongly condemnable”. It urged Africans to see themselves as one irrespective of differences in nationalities, traditions and religions. “As a multicultural African organisation, we respect and embrace diversity, and all the different traditions and religions across the continent. This is demonstrated through our multinational staff complement, rich African programming and channels on both our DStv and GOtv platforms,” the statement said. It will be recalled that the South African Ambassador to Nigeria, Mr. Lulu Mnguli, on Saturday promised that the interest of Nigeria would not be hurt by criminals’ activities in South Africa. Mnguli said that since Nigeria played a key role in helping South Africa to get freedom, it would be wrong for Nigerians to be attacked in that country by any group of persons. SHARE ON Twitter Facebook Google+ |
Tension is building up in Ekiti State as Governor Ayo Fayose asked the people to defend the mandate they gave to him following the impeachment process initiated by the All Progressives Congress lawmakers in the state assembly.http://www.premiumtimesng.com/news/top-news/181731-impeachment-tension-in-ekiti-as-fayose-mobilises-okada-riders-drivers-against-lawmakers.html
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How to Gain a Woman's Trust When She Has Been Hurt in Her Past by Emma Wells, Demand Media Trust issues can be hard on both partners in a relationship, even if the trust issues belong mostly to the one person who is carrying the major baggage. Trust issues take time for both partners to overcome; however, with some sensitivity and patience, it is very possible to build a new relationship with a solid foundation of trust. Listening Ask her for her story. Finding out her fears can go a long way toward recognizing when your actions or words trigger those fears and cause her to lash out or distance herself from you. Ask her to reveal only what she feels comfortable revealing, and don’t push any further. A study conducted in 2012 by Sandra Murray, Ph.D. and other psychologists for the “Journal of Personality and Social Psychology” was based on the principal that trust is a matter of risk assessment: people trust their partners only when they assess that there is a low risk of rejection or betrayal involved in getting closer to him or her. A woman who has been hurt in the past may still have her guard up and choose not to tell her whole story to you immediately for fear of risking vulnerability, so be patient with her. Schemas The emotional patterns people develop in childhood continue to resurface throughout our lives, says psychologist Tara Bennett-Goleman, Ph.D. and author of the book “Emotional Alchemy”. The emotional pattern for your partner may be an issue of trust broken in childhood. The way to avoid fighting when two people have different emotional patterns, say Bennett-Goleman and her husband, psychologist and author Daniel Goleman, is to recognize each other’s emotional “schemas” and work with them. Analyze your partner’s emotional patterns and your own. If, like Daniel, you are a perfectionist who works long hours, but your partner, like Tara, feels abandoned when you’re gone often, you two can address why you have your particular schemas and find a compromise. Honesty A woman who has been hurt in the past is likely to be assessing the risk of growing close to you all of the time, at least for a while. It’s important to be honest with her, even about the little things. If she discovers that you’re lying about where you go with your friends on a Saturday night or even what you ate for dinner, she might wonder what else you’re hiding from her. It’s better to have a policy of honesty if you want to earn her trust. Actions You might say that she can trust you and that you’ll be there for her, but actions always speak louder than words. People develop trust on three scales, including faith in the partner’s love, faith in the partner’s emotional closeness, and evaluations of the partner’s character, Murray and her team found. If you want your partner to evaluate your character favorably, show her that you’re honest, open, and loving instead of judgmental or closed-minded. Actions that inspire trust could be making special time for her on a weekly basis and sticking to your commitment, or sharing a personal story that you wouldn’t share with anyone else. |
How to Gain a Woman's Trust When She Has Been Hurt in Her Past by Emma Wells, Demand Media Trust issues can be hard on both partners in a relationship, even if the trust issues belong mostly to the one person who is carrying the major baggage. Trust issues take time for both partners to overcome; however, with some sensitivity and patience, it is very possible to build a new relationship with a solid foundation of trust. Listening Ask her for her story. Finding out her fears can go a long way toward recognizing when your actions or words trigger those fears and cause her to lash out or distance herself from you. Ask her to reveal only what she feels comfortable revealing, and don’t push any further. A study conducted in 2012 by Sandra Murray, Ph.D. and other psychologists for the “Journal of Personality and Social Psychology” was based on the principal that trust is a matter of risk assessment: people trust their partners only when they assess that there is a low risk of rejection or betrayal involved in getting closer to him or her. A woman who has been hurt in the past may still have her guard up and choose not to tell her whole story to you immediately for fear of risking vulnerability, so be patient with her. Schemas The emotional patterns people develop in childhood continue to resurface throughout our lives, says psychologist Tara Bennett-Goleman, Ph.D. and author of the book “Emotional Alchemy”. The emotional pattern for your partner may be an issue of trust broken in childhood. The way to avoid fighting when two people have different emotional patterns, say Bennett-Goleman and her husband, psychologist and author Daniel Goleman, is to recognize each other’s emotional “schemas” and work with them. Analyze your partner’s emotional patterns and your own. If, like Daniel, you are a perfectionist who works long hours, but your partner, like Tara, feels abandoned when you’re gone often, you two can address why you have your particular schemas and find a compromise. Honesty A woman who has been hurt in the past is likely to be assessing the risk of growing close to you all of the time, at least for a while. It’s important to be honest with her, even about the little things. If she discovers that you’re lying about where you go with your friends on a Saturday night or even what you ate for dinner, she might wonder what else you’re hiding from her. It’s better to have a policy of honesty if you want to earn her trust. Actions You might say that she can trust you and that you’ll be there for her, but actions always speak louder than words. People develop trust on three scales, including faith in the partner’s love, faith in the partner’s emotional closeness, and evaluations of the partner’s character, Murray and her team found. If you want your partner to evaluate your character favorably, show her that you’re honest, open, and loving instead of judgmental or closed-minded. Actions that inspire trust could be making special time for her on a weekly basis and sticking to your commitment, or sharing a personal story that you wouldn’t share with anyone else. |
seen |
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