₦airaland Forum

“Where are you people coming from and where are you going to by this time of the day” A police officer flashed his torch light straight to my eyes.
“we we we are going to school!” Man, always saying gibberish.
“Which school? So you people are cult boys!” I was shocked the sack containing Diva was empty.

“cult! No ooh Officer we no be cult boys, we dey go hospital go see this my friend mama!” Man said, “She get accident, them com rush her go hospital”

“Na your Mama go get accident!!” I caused from within.

“Eheen! So wetin una wan use shovel do na? una wan go bury the woman?”
“shovel? we wan use shovel do……… do…………….do………………”
“Do farming!” I almost completed the statement for Man.

“This my friend here” Man tapped me, “Him be mason for site! So we from site go carry am com!”
“See your head! Na you be mason!” I cursed within.



“Una sorry ooh! Make una great una Mama for me ooh!” Two of the officers waved us as we zoomed of.


“Oboy! Where the girl disappear go na!” I heard my heart beat.
“Guy! Guy! E fit be say Diva disappear ooh!” I heard Flow’s heart beat loudly.
“All of una sure say that girl die true-true?” Brother Wale spoke my mind.

We were negotiating a turn when Flow’s phone rang.
“Flow! No be your phone dey ring?”
“Me! My phone? No be my phone dey ring”

“Yekpa!! guy na Diva dey call me me!” Flow shouted.
“Guy why you dey fear like this? I tell you say that girl no really die, she no wan make you chuk her nahim make”
“So where she come keep her phone wey she take dey call you so!”
“When she come house, she say she forget her phone for her house” Flow narrated, “So maybe she don reach her house now, you know say her house no far from here!”

I cut the call and something in me was telling me to off the phone and remove my SIM card
“Flow wetin you dey do with this kin winch girl! That girl fit be ogbanje ooh” Diva was showcasing what she studied in school – Theatre arts.
“I tell her say I no dey do again, after 3 months she com begin call me say she want make we come back together, I no wan do again ooh” Flow was bitter.


“Abeg Brother Wale drive us go back house make we go rest” I was sleepy.
As we took a bend, I saw a dark structure struggling to cross the road.

“Watch! Watch!”

“Ooh No!”

We had knocked down a mad fellow.

Kirgyakos:
I see u my oga...how market?

I see you too. U never sleep by this time?

U be winch?

Or so i thought ooh

“Emma call Brother Wale quick na!” Flow was really worried and shattered, “before person go come see her dead body here”
“I dey call am na, him number no dey go!”

“And we no fit carry her dead body for any of this local boys taxi” Man cautioned, “Na Brother Wale go make sense! The guy na coded guy!”
“Him number no dey go na!”

“We need to carry her body comot for here before e go dey smell!” Man was high on cheap stuff. Cheap Okoli rather.
“How pesin wey just die go begin dey smell immediately?” I attacked.
“Eheeen! The person body go smell if the person na A’shawo before she die na!” I saw the look on Flow’s face when Man said that.


“Eheen! Him number don dey go!” I was able to reach Brother Wale the taxi driver.
“…………………. Ehen BW abeg come house now…………. come with your motor, e get where you go carry me go…………………. Come now ooh” I hung up.
“Him say him don dey come!”
“Eheen! Make him come fast jor” Flow was losing it gradually.



“where Snow and Brianbox go sef!” Man asked.
“Snow call me say him go sleep for Angela Him girlfriend house, Brainbox travel go him village for Mbaise”
“Brainbox travel nahim him no com tell me, me wey me and him dey do the same business!” Man confirmed he had indoctrinated Brainbox into the OK boys. But what I could tell was that Brainbox would go into the business with his brain, all his brain, I was very sure of that.

“So you don introduce Brainbox to OK boys abi?” I managed to ask.
“No be me introduce am ooh, nahim say make I carry am go meet OK say him wan join”
As Man said that, I thought Flow would say something in attack, but he kept mute, so I turned towards him.

Flow with all the muscles was crying.
“Flow why you dey cry na?”
With heavy lips he said; “How How How I no go cry? When I don kill person pekin! I am a murderer”
“Guy no cry again, everything is gonna be alright” I held back my tears, “Nobody go see the girl dead body, we go just go dump her for that Boro-pit for Rumuagholu”



30 minutes later Brother Wale was honking outside.
“Man! Man! help me make I wrap her with this bed sheet” Flow struggled with the body of the love of his life crying a river.

He abruptly sat on the floor sobbing bitterly with both hands on his head.
“Flow stand up make we carry the dead body na!” I wiped away his tears.

Man had gone outside to hint Brother Wale about the ugly incident and they entered the room. We wrapped the body with the bedsheet and Man observed the environment to see if we would be caught, reporting back to us that a sack would be the best option to convey the body.
“No worry I get Garri bag for my motor!”

As Man and Brother Wale carried the body and swiftly inserted it into the sack, I saw Diva’s body moved; or was I high on Okoli? Yes i was.
Muscular Brother Wale easily lifted the body on his shoulder like it was a sack containing clothes.



10:30pm
The compound was quiet and deserted. Flow was still weeping, I joined in.

“Flow why you dey cry like this? Na man you be ooh!” Man was seated at the front seat of the cab. I and Flow was seated at the back, while Diva and a shovel was seated at the fender.


As we drove towards Rumuosi junction, all I was thinking was what will be said of me on the event of my demise.

I was lost in my thought addressing a LARGE crowd; and on the event of my demise:

If any of you happen to be around when I have to meet my dead, I don’t want a long funeral, and if you get somebody to ready the eulogy tell the person not talk too much.

It could be any of you here reading my eulogy that day; please don’t tell the people present at the funeral what you think they should know about me.

On that day don’t tell people I finished from University of Port Harcourt, that’s not important.

No, don’t tell anybody I graduated with second class upper or that I once lived in splendour.

No, No, don’t tell anybody I was born with a silver spoon or that I lost the spoon after secondary school, That’s not important.

No, No, No don’t tell them all that.

Tell them I sold Purewater in traffic to fend for myself in the University.

Tell them I wore one pair shoe for Four years in the University.

Tell them I never joined cult in the University.

Tell them I worked in building sites so I could eat beans and bread two times daily.

Don’t forget, tell them I worked three part time jobs so I could pay for Mama’s heart surgery.

Tell them I survived.



“Emma wetin we go do na, the motor don quench!” Man tapped me back to reality.

“wetin do the motor na?” I asked.

“Brother Wale say na the Cabrator!”

Brother Wale took of his vest and was sweating profusely as he tried finding out the problem with the vehicle.

A glance at my wrist watch, it was 11.01pm and we were at the enclosure at Obiri Ikwerre flyover.

Brother Wale left the fender of the vehicle open going there repeatedly to take what only God knows.

Soon the car jerked to a start and brother Wale quickly returned his working tools back to where he got them from.

We zoomed pass the scary Obiri Ikwerre flyover and from a distance I saw the flash of a light.

“Na Police be that?”

“No be Police ooh! Na street light” I was sure.

We drove closer to see three men on black.

Three men on black and with guns flashing their torchlights on our windscreen.

One of them flagged us down and said; “All of you come down!”

“I want to see your booth!”

That was the beginning of the end; or rather the end of the beginning.

Alexgeneration:
Flow your cassava don put you for wahala.



Na now you go know the meaning of APC because Chinwe papa go change am for you.


Flow,just get ready to be "Depricked".

Haha! You funny Sha.

Snow87:
Flowy my Manchi, I no fit forget ur tori man wey dey reason, na man u be jare

Na man you too be

November 22nd, 2015 Sunday: Just me and Man at the Basilica.

“Oboy how church today?” I wished I never asked Man that question.

“Me? I no dey go church, sorry jor, I dey go church” Man corrected, “The name of my church na St. Bottles and Okoli Cathedral Alaska, and na me be pastor!”

“eheeen!”

“Yes na! I be real pastor, no be like some other pastors wey be Coco men and still be pastor!”

“Are you indirectly referring to Pastor Henry Okonkwo?”
“I no dey refer to anybody oh!” Man munched hard from the plate of 404 in front of him.



“Man! I wan tell you something ooh!” I said, “Can I confide in you?”
“Confide? Yes you can confident in me!” Man said, “I no dey run mouth any how na!”

“Okay, see ehnn! I no wan dey stay with Flow, Snow and Brainbox again” I announced, “I wan rent my own house”
“why na? Una quarrel?”
“we no quarrel ooh, I just wan move out” I said, “No be say I dey move out ooh, I wan rent that One room and parlour wey that Yoruba man park comot for our compound”

“Na Chinwe tell you make you park abi?” He guessed right.
“Yes ooh, na she, she say she like my friends ooh, but she like privacy”

“ehnnn, e make sense sha but you like am like that?”
“I like am as e be say na the same compound we go dey stay, but different house”


“Okay sha but always remember say woman na woman, and your mens na your mens! No let woman separate una oh!” Man advised.
“I no go let that one happen” I assured.



30 minutes later
My phone beeped, it was a text message from Flow.
“Oboy no come back house, me and Diva dey house, i wan do work!”

“Okay, see am, na” I showed Man the text message, “Flow and Diva dey house dey waya, him text me make I no come back house now!”
“Ehnn make we dey here dey drink Pammy till him finish work na!” Man said, “I go pay for all the drink wey we go drink!”


We were still on our first Ololo when someone ran into the bar pant abruptly.

I almost flee out of the bar when I saw Flow with boxers panting and fitgetty.

“Emma! no run! Na Flow!” Man stood up, “Flow wetin happen?”\

“Oboy! Oboy! Oboy! Oboy! Ehnnnnn Oboy!”
“Oboy wetin? Calm down!” Man yelled, “Why you wear only boxers? You don dey mad?”


It took 20 minutes for Flow to calm down and talk.
“As me and Diva dey for room dey waya, naso naso naso!” Flow's face was albino-ish. He had peed on his boxers already

“Naso wetin?” Man yelled, “Talk na!!!”
“Naso as I wan put my thing, the the the girl no come dey move again!”

“She no move? Eheen wetin come happen?”
“Naso as I come touch her, I come see say she no dey breathe!” Flow cried, “She die!”


“What!”
“She wetin?”

“She she she die!”



“Yawa! Flow you don kill person pekin with your prick”




“I tell you say one day your prick go put you for trouble!”

“In the beginning of the dream they don’t know about you, back then they don’t about what you went through, them go call you mugu, some of them go call you mumu………... If nobody talk about you, then you are nobody” MI featuring Tuface was jamming in the loud speaker by my side in 17:59 that evening. I was recalling what Brainbox told me about the gossips on the lips of the rest of them.


“why una dey gossip me say I wan marry oyinbo woman for our company!” I said, “shey na because the oyinbo woman wey dey work for our company drop me for house with her car?”

“Emma no be say we dey gossip, we just dey reason weda you don leave Chinwe” Was his Offor telling him I had dumped Chinwe. Or so I thought.

“Me? Leave Chinwe, I dey craze?” I swore.


If I dumped Chinwe, it simple meant I might lose any of these two; it is either I lose my job at Top Bond or I lose my life, or I lose both.

“But the Oyinbo woman no fine at all, she ugly” Flow reminded me.

The Pilipino Vido Velareal was born and baptized Ugly; she was the head of Accounts yet she could not account for her ugliness. Her smile melt the world with bad breath and rotten teeth as additives.




“Udeme! Serve us one more bottle of 17:59, I go pay” Man Ordered.

Man was becoming extravagant, it amazed me.
“Guy you don dey spend money this days ooh! wetin happen? you thief?” Snow said.
“Na your papa go thief" Man attacked, "I dey spend money because money don dey enter my hand na!”
“Money for Coco business abi” Flow said.


“But make una wait ooh! No be say because I don tell una say OK na my boss for Coco business, una go go dey announce am for CNN oh!”
“Guy why you dey talk like this na? We be small pekin?” I cautioned, “abi you don hear am for anybody mouth?”
“No, I never hear am” He affirmed.


We were drinking from the third bottle each when Man said; “I wan tell una something oh”

“wetin be that?” Snow said.

“when una go join this my business?” He said, “OK don dey recruit new intake now”

“You be bad friend ooh, na Coco business you know say you go introduce to us”
“But the business dey pay na!” Man reminded.
“Which kin yeye pay be that, you wey dey borrow money up and down, and you dey do Coco!”
“That na before na” Man said, “I dey under recruitment process that time, now I don be full staff!”

Full staff indeed. Full staff of Coco and associates Limited.


“But guy, you no dey fear your life ooh, what if Police catch you?” Brainbox was keenly listening.
“Police? Them never born that police wey go arrest us OK boys well! In short OK nahim be commissioner of Police for this state!” He swore.

The way Brainbox was nodding, I could tell he was really impressed.
“Brainbox no join this thing ooh!” I almost said.
As for me, they was no way I was gonna join OK boys. No way! Not me!
Or so I thought.




Then Flow’s Phone rang.
“Wetin dey make this Diva dey call me? Shebi I don tell her say I no dey do again!”

September 11, 2015, Friday, 5pm.

At OK Republic.

I closed from work early because it was Friday.


I was smoking away my pain wishing Monday never came for me to complete networking the systems and CCTV installation of the office of the CEO Mr. Henry Okonkwo – Chinwe’s Dad.



“Oboy I remember wetin happen to us that evening” I flashed back.

“wetin be that?” I saw Brainbox puffing so high.
“Oboy Man you be wicked boy ooh! How you tell those SARS officers say we be yahoo boys wey make them arrested us”

“Forget that thing jor! no be me cuase am, na my oga cause am”
“Your oga! who be your oga?” Snow asked
“My oga?”

“Yes! Who be your oga!” We all yelled at the same time.
“Man tell us this your oga, who him be?” Time for truth.
“Tell us him name!”

“Okay! Make una wait, I go tell una” Man was mean now, “My Oga na really big man ooh!”
“Ehen we know say him na big man!”
“My Oga name na na na OK, Henry Okonkwo, but we call him OK” My blew it.

"What!!"
“wait! wait! which of the Henry Okonkwo you dey talk? Shey na the one wey be Pastor of Libration From Sin Church?” I was shocked.
“the one wey be Chinwe Papa, pastor Henry?” Snow added.
“Which kin pastor? OK na drug baron, in fact, him be drug Lord” Man informed, the Okoli that evening was truth revealing i could tell.
“You mean am?” I needed to know more.
“Yes na!” Man nodded, “That day wey SARS come arrest una, na all of us the SARS come to arrest”

I said it! Man had a hand in the arrest.

“OK tell the SARS officers make them come arrest me and my friends because I tell am say I no go work for am again”

“So why you com leave us run? How you com take know say them the SARS officers dey come wey you com discharge leave us!” Flow spoke my mind.
“I been tell una say Onyinye my Uncle wife call me for phone wey make me leave una?” That was what he told us “That na lie I lie”

“If that na lie, wetin com be the truth?” Brainbox asked.
“The truth be say my Offor tell me 30 minutes before the officers come say them dey come, nahim make me discharge” Truth revealing.

“Offor? wetin be Offor? Shey na the Offor wey them dey mix with Egusi for soup?” Brainbox asked a stupid question.

“Brianbox you be Mumu Oh! Offor na him jaz!” Flow translated.

“So Man get jaz?” I said to myself.

“Nawa oo!”


“So as you tell us say you raise money come bail us, shebi that one sef na lie?” I knew Man well enough to know he can never bail his friends with his money. Never!

“Me? Bail una? I get money for bail?” Man gestured, “Na OK I go beg say make him no vex, say I go continue the Coco business for am if him go free una, before him come tell me make I go the cell wey una dey go tell sergeant Rogers make him free una, before I reach the cell, him don already call Rogers for phone”

“Nawa ooh!!”

“make una no vex for me, I still be una man na, isn't it?” He tapped me.

“Yes you still be our man but you need to stop this Coco business oh” I advised.

“I go stop am when I get better job like Emma get” He never knew the hell I was passing through.



With a strange look, all of sudden, Man stood up and was leaving.

“where you dey go?” Snow asked.

“my Offor say make I comot for here now!”

“for where? who you wan leave here!” The rest of us stood up like we were remote controlled following Man.

ChemicalReaction:
This chapter funny me scarra!

You never chichunchin

Kirgyakos:
200K! nna that Emmy doh blow o!



anyway, baba flow I twale 4 u once again...kari on

Twale my man

Wonderz1:
Baba flow welcome back

God bless you

2nd August 2015, 8am.

“Emma! Flow! Brainbox! Snow! All of you hurry up the bus is waiting outside!” I was still in the bathroom.

“Ahhhhh! My egg dey pain me!” I counted the balls in between my legs, “e be like say one don break ooh!”

“I know its Emma that like wasting time, he always waste time in everything he does, except when he wants to c’um when having sex” Chinwe was nailing me in the Living room.

“Hahahahahahaha!” Flow laughed the loudest.

“I fit don be impotent ooh!” I felt pain badly, “Useless Chinwe!! If I impotent ehh, I go barren you!”

Chinwe had while we were having sex Two days ago at Spadob Hotel kicked my balls hard when my phone rang and it was Nse calling.



“And why are you walking like this?” Chinwe asked as I walked into the Living room.

“How am I walking? I am walking normal oh!” I answered, “Just that I broke one egg!”

“which egg you break?” Snow asked.

“You dey mad! I break your Papa egg!”

“Hahahahahaha!” Chinwe laughed, “Fly wey no dey hear word dey follow dead body enter grave”



“Driver move, I go hang as no space for me to sidon!” Man was standing by the door of the bus, he really looked like a bus conductor; and he was dressed like one too.



Of we went to “Libration from Sin International Church” Chinwe’s father church – He was the General Overseers.

The bus was stuffy and I was profusely sweating.


“hmm! Who mess here?” Snow said.
Like bubble, the smell of my fart bounced left to right.
“e no go betta for the person wey mess! Him nyash go tear!” Flow cursed.

“Brainbox, this mess dey smell like your mess ooh!” Snow accused.
“You dey craze there! How you take know the smell of my mess!” Brainbox returned.
“Okay make I smell your nyash!”

“Look at how adults are disgracing themselves with fart” Chinwe spoke from the front seat of the bus, “Are you people sure it’s not Emma that pollute the air?”




Soon the bus came to a stop at the Church entrance.
“Everybody get down lets go to the church to praise the Lord!” Chinwe was glad she had won souls.

“wetin carry me come this church sef!”


The Ushers were so insensitive not knowing that I was no way sitting next to Omowunmi a.k.a Mrs. Ugly.


Choir ministration was on and I saw my Chinwe dancing and shaking her behind like no other. “Holy in church! Wicked outside!”

I did the best I could to present eye contact with Omowunmi seated by my left. She was trampling on my well polished shoe, yet I worried not. The sweat on her communicated with my body, I cared not. After all she was my boss.


Sermon was on.
Chinwe’s father was really vibrating, hitting me on the right spot.

“…………the devil is really wicked, we must chase the devil out of our lives”
“Sir the devil I must chase out of my life is your daughter” I whispered.



“………………………Now let us break the head of the devil……………turn to your neighbor and say…… Let us break the head of the devil”
I dared not turn to Mrs. Ugly, I dared not.

“let us break the head of the devil” Omawunmi was looking for my trouble holding my head, “Was I the devil?”


“………………………..Ushers share the Coconut!” The Pastor said.

“Coco wetin??” I wasn't confortable, "Which kin church be this?"



“……………. Now the coconut you are holding is the head of the devil, as you break it, you are breaking the head of the devil”
Omowunmi was still looking for my trouble, she hit the coconut on my head slightly.

“Hmmm! I dey warn you ooh!” I cried, “You dey fin my trouble oh!”
“you think say I be like Man wey you beat that day of interview?” I saw Man smiled for the beautiful girl by his side.





“……………………..Now you can break the Coconut!”


While I was struggling hard to break my Coconut on the floor, Mrs. Ugly Omowunmi was also struggling to break hers.

She finished before me, intentionally pouring out the liquid it contained on my trouser.



“Hahahaha! Emma you piss for body?” Flow laughed

depumpin:
i go give u 3 igbo,yoruba and hausa or fulani

Yoruba babes anytime mehn

Not forgetting "igbo amaka"

Bebson007:
you didn't finish the story

I did, i finished it hastily because i was tied up.

Oga i dey finish wetin i start ooh

I tilted and chamfered the sole of my old fashion black shoe, wishing the sole wouldn’t stay behind when I stood up like the other day.

“But Abu help me sew the shoe well na!” I assured myself.


On the wall in the reception hung so many beautiful portraits; The Monalisa, The Madonna of the Rock, Christ the Redeemer and one that caught my attention was the picture of an old model Cadillac painted beautifully.
“ooh! How Flow so love Cadillac!” He told us that there are three things he must own before leaving this world, One is a Cadillac car, the Other is another Cadillac car, and the Third is yet another Cadillac car.



“Mister Emmanuel Okoli please come with me” The lively Human resources manager Mark gesture.

“Sir will I be resuming duties today?” I could still feel the hurt from the slap I received from the SARS officer the other day.
“No, you will resume tomorrow, I just need to show you around!” Mark winked, “And introduce you to members of staff in your department too”



At the junction that led to the IT section where I was suppose to work, it was going down. The heel of my sole was of or almost of, then the pace at which I was walking reduced.

Mack turned abruptly and said; “Mister Emmanuel why are you lagging behind?”
“Nothing ooh! Its just that I am having running stomach!”
“Common Mister Emmanuel!” He walked towards me, “today should be one of your happiest day for you, not a day running stomach should spoil for you”
“You are right, I think I will visit the toilet after I see my office!”
“that’s the spirit Mister Emmanuel Okoli! that’s the spirit!” He tapped me.


I limped into the office as all the members of staff stood to greet a great legend that entered.

“Everybody meet Mister Emmanuel Okoli, he will be working with you in this department” Mark announced.

“My eyes quickly caught the only lady in the room; the same that beat the hell out of Man the other day – Mrs. Ugly.

tojahh:
Hahaha

Kala police station, Rumueme. Chai flow why you include am here na. Those popo use cutlass slap one old man like that because him do Uturn for rumokwuta/NTA road roundabout. That day I weak.

Back then na my hood be rumuigbo by everyday supermarket. Still dey flow, I dey with Man wey dey Reason

Na man you be.

Alaska is indeed home to all. A city that lies along the East-West road of Port Harcourt yet it inhabits the Easterners and the Westerners in large quantity. A small city yet it is large at heart. A place to be indeed.

A place to be. Home for all; the good, the bad, the ugly. I have indeed seen good times in that city, but ugly times outshines the good and the bad times put together. Alaska! They call it Alakahia, we call it Alaska. Alaska home for all.

Alaska that comfortably accommodates the University of Port Harcourt and shelters most of her students. Alaska the home of drinking bars and restaurants. The land that houses a radio station along its corridors.

Oh I remember when my relationship with Chinwe was going smoothly and all rosy. She called Today FM to wish me happy birthday, I blushed for about two weeks. That was in the era when our love was like Bee and Nectar; how time flies and our love can now be likened to Bread and Tea from Mai-Shai.- One so hot, the other stale.

Alaska; the river where the Police always launches into the deep for net breaking catch.




“What did we do wrong Officer?” I was on my knees
“shut up! Your hands on your head! You yahoo boys!”

“sir we are not yahoo boys ooh!” Snow cried.
“search them!” One of the officers ordered.
“search wetin? Igboh dey my pocket ooh!” I confessed.
“Really!” One of the officers heard me “That means you are in soup!”

“But who tell this SARS people say we dey here? and say we be yahoo boys?” my head was close to Flow’s dirty leg as I lied down.
“Where Man go?” I looked up.

“Emma you bad sha! Because of Brainbox you betray all of us” That statement resounded.

Man has taken his pound on flesh from me and the rest.



“Oga we no be yahoo boys ooh! We are hardworking Nigerians!” I said.
“Hardworking Nigerians and you are found in the bar with Indian Hemp in you pockets?”



Sleeping on the bare urine flooded floor of the cell early the next morning, I was thinking deeply. How dare Man?


“Yahoo boys! All of you Mr. Chinonso is here to free you!”

Stepping out of the cell, I heard a sermon from a nearby church, that was when it dawned on me that it was Sunday and that I was to resume work at Top bond the following day.

depumpin:
God bless u mr.flow i luv ur stories.....i promise u wife from my area.......if u know u know

Ehen! How many wives? Give them my number.

precidope:
Emmanuel okoli is the fourth person and the story is about his life

Not forgetting Brainbox

Bebson007:
you don come back, where is the continuation of "Na man you be" ?
small time you go leave this one half way too.

I finished Na Man you be, but it didn't end how you expected

dandollaz:
Flow wey run my br3 down always with funny stories.fire fire.

Long time no saw

EmpresFIDEL:
flowey.. you haf come again, hop this not another half story o

I have never written any half story here before except the ones I collaborated with foxy.

xaviercasmir:
Ride on Flow!!!!

Thank you for riding with me.

June 20th evening and we were all seated at 17:59 drinking. My friends were released from the cell the previous day.


“Make all of una no vex how i make una go police cell, shebi na me carry una come drink beer so” I had been employed at Top bond Oil company, after many months of waiting.

“Emma you bad sha! Because of Brainbox you betray all of us” Man expressed.

“Make una sorry na!” I apologized, “na why I dey buy una this beer na, and another reason wey make me dey buy una beer na because I wan make una follow me celebrate this my new job”


“I greet all of una ooh!” It was Peter the owner of the basilica and the brother of Udeme the owner of 17:59.

“who this idiot dey greet?” He disgusted me, “Rubbish boy wey wan collect my babe from me”

“So Emma, how much them go dey pay you for that Top bond sef?” I could tell Brainbox was envious.

“Na 200k for a start, but them say them go increase am after six months”

“Big boy! Guy small time go buy motor!”


“Guys make una buy me beer make I drink na!” Peter asked.
“Guy you don mara oh! You get basilica, your brother get 17:59, you still want make we buy you beer?”
“nawa oh! Una stingy ooh!”


“Emma what of your babe Chinwe na?” Snow said. Why was everybody after Chinwe, “well, I wasn’t even in love with her, I was in love with her father's money!” Or so i thought.

From the corner of my left eye I saw Nse arranging kegs of palm-wine to be carried to the basilica. I forgot looking from the corner of my other eye to see that Chinwe stood beside me.


As Nse bent down to carry a keg of Palm wine, I looked to see if I could see anything in between her legs; it was really dark.

“So what are you looking at! You idiot!” I froze.
“Me looking at? I am not looking at anything oh!”

“What were you looking at that girl for?”
“me? I was just looking at her shoes ooh, the shoes are fine!” At such times smiling sheepishly is my hobby.

The dimple had not let my face when a hot slap followed.
“What? You slap me!”
“And I will slap you again!” She landed another hot slap on my face.
My eyes saw stars; shinning stars.
“Emma see as this girl slap you, you no go slap her back?” Flow said.
“Let him slap me na! Slap me!!” A hot slap on her fresh face would had been wonderful – it would had sounded like thunder, but I thought otherwise save I lose a job I had not resumed.



Chinwe had left for 45 minutes when my friends started raining abuses on me.
“Emma see as that girl slap you, you no slap her back, if na for my body now you go gat power” Snow said.
I was so cold and crying inside and yet to digest the second slap when……...


Everybody stay where you are, if you move, I shoot!
FSARS the wickedness producers.

“When I catch headache, I drink aspirin and keep away from children like the bottle says, not forgetting to shake before use”
I shook my vodka before drinking and continued minding my business at the gym.

“Emma you go fit carry that one?” Brother Wale the gym owner and instructor cautioned.
“If I don’t, Vodka will help me out?” I told myself.

“Emma you sure say I no go follow una carry this gym?” Brainbox said, “I wan get muscle like you”
“You sure?” I cautioned, “no be everybody go get muscle na”
“Brainbox no mind am, carry gym if you wan carry jor!” Brother Wale advised, “you no wan dey like I dey?”
“ehnnnn! Brainbox? I no dey ooh!” The same brainbox that was released from psychiatric home two days ago.
“Emma stop that nonsense, shey Brainbox no be man?” Olaniyi said, “Brainbox chop iron jor, NA MAN YOU BE”

I took a sip of the Vodka I held to take away the pains of lifting 100kg of weight 10 times on bench.
Soon Brainbox was on the bench he pushed the same 100kg I push 20 times.
A first timer and he had push 20 times, “this boy get power ooh”
“You should be ashamed of yourself” I told myself.

I missed Flow, he was indeed my motivator in the gym house. If he squatted 30, I made sure I squatted at least 25.
“When them go release them Flow na!” Olaniyi asked.
“I no know ooh, them say NDLEA dey on the case” Vodka was speaking for me.
We had increased the weight to 200kg and as the culture was Brother Wale announced: “Anybody wey no get mind carry, make him shift ooh”

“I get mind!” I declared

“Me sef get mind!” Olaniyi declared.

“I get mind” Chibunna who have been quiet all the while declared.

“I no get mind ooh!” I expected Brainbox to say.

“I get mind” I heard him said.


And that was the beginning of beginnings.

Brother Wale had pushed 20 times, followed by Chibunna 20 times too.
I was next, and they all knew I wouldn’t push up to 15, yet I told myself I would.
“Emma wait make Brainbox first you carry, you know say him na apprentice” Olaniyi said.
I accepted going back to my Vodka.
Soon Brainbox was pushing.
One….
Two….
Three…..

Then I saw Brainbox wiggling on the bench.

“Help am! help am!” I cried with a loud voice.

Before Chibunna could come close to rescue our brainbox, the rod hit hard on his chest.
Instantly Brainbox went cold; and instantly also, there was a stampede as we all flee in different directions.


Brainbox was dead, or so I thought.

ChemicalReaction:
For where?? Ah de avoid ordinary road side police.

Closest I've ever been to a police station was when I escorted a colleague to deliver food to her brother who got involved in a fight with 'Rich man pikin' (though I no gree enter station biko).

Twas later we got to know that the food my colleague bought and tasted never got to her brother. Kala Police chop am!
Till today I still feel her brother lied about not getting the food though.

LOL

i no mean weda we don meet for cell ooh LOL, i mean weda we don meet for Port Harcourt

ChemicalReaction:
The dreaded Kala Police Station

Lol

ChemicalReaction you don enter that cell before? Are you sure we have not met?

ChemicalReaction:
The dreaded Kala Police Station

Lol

If you know, you know

“Fire Oh! Fire!” Yetunde yelled.

“Fire!” I stood up.

“Your wrapper go burn ohhh?! Yetunde tried putting of the fire with her wrapper. Like i cared if her wrapper was on fire.

“see nyash ooh!” I almost said as I took a glance of Yetunde’s big nyash on undies. Stupid me!

“Water oh! Water!!” I was in need of a flood at that moment.

The inferno was half off when my phone I was charging rang.

“who be this one wey dey call me?”

“Onyinye!” I was looking at my phone but couldn’t pick.

“Why she dey call me na!” I asked myself.


“Hello! What……….. you what?..... You lost your key? No oh, you didn’t leave your key in my house oh?” I checked.

“So na why you dey call me?” I said to myself “You don’t know how to open the door?”
“ok, I am coming to your house!” A promise I wished I never made.




House 411 Petakwa Estate was the house, thinking of the inferno that was later put off, I had walked pass house 411.

I had punched on the door bell at house 412.

“Why she go tell me say she lost her key?” I thought, “abi she dey lie for me?”


The bark of a Dog awakened my consciousness.

“But them Man no get dog for their compound na” The Cynophobia in me was awakened.



From nowhere, I saw two huge dogs racing towards my direction.
“Me? Dog?” I raced.
The fenced that demarcated house 411 and 412 was easily scaled, But not for too long.

My trouser was hooked on the fence’s security device; the two dogs were so close to taking a bite of my flesh; the higher they jumped, the closer they were to taking a pound of my flesh.

I was sweating. Just then I remembered all the 404 I had eaten at Peter’s Basilica.
“He that live by the flesh must go by the flesh!” I assured myself.

Like a knight in shinning amour, I saw Naeto from the other side of the fence jumping to take a hold of the right leg of mine that crossed to their compound.
“Uncle Emma, don’t worry I will get you, the dog will not bite you” Like he was superman.

That is all I remember; but I was sure Bruno and Mars didn’t bite me. Or so I thought forgetting there was a little scratch on my left ankle.




“I have tried, the door couldn’t open!” Onyinye wept.
“How did you lost the key na!” I asked.
“I don’t know ooh, I thought I left it in your house sef!”
We pushed and pushed the back door made of wood to no avail until………………….

“I think we will break the door”
I hit the door the fourteenth time before it gave way. Yes, I counted the number of times I hit it.

“thank you so much!” She thanked, “You have done noble!”
“Okay madam!” I smiled like a fool, “Now I should be leaving”
“No ooh! Don’t leave na, stay leme prepare you something” I was really hungry.



One hour and food was ready. Fried rice and Chicken.
I had finished eating wishing I was the head of that family; the one that married such a beautiful wife; beautiful in the kitchen and in the bedroom too. Or so it thought.


A glance at the wall clock, it was 11.02pm.

“okay, Thank you ma, leme me start going”
“Its late na, why don’t you pass a night here!” Onyinye suggested.

“But…………”
“No buts, just pass a night here, its for your own safety you know!”

“Okay, I will”



I was seated in the living room watching late night cartoon with Naeto and thinking of my friends.

“What if they never come out of the cell?”

“What if they die!”

“I know they will hate me forever!”

“But I did it for another friend Brainbox, what was I to do?”

Soon my phone rang.

It was Onyinye, she wanted me in her room.

habundanz:
flow is back

Yes i am.

The night of 10th May 2018 was cold and quiet.

“Mehn I miss my friends!” I was losing it, “So all of them go sleep for cell this night”


9:55pm
“Up Nepa!” Power was restored.
The rotation of the fan on the roof skipped my mind the more. My heart was bleeding.


A knock was heard on the door.
“Who be that?”
“Opened the door please!” It was a feminine voice.
“Was I witch hunted?”
“who is that na!”
“Uncle Emma is us ooh!” Kid’s voice.
“Naetochukwu!! What is Naeto doing here?”
“Uncle Emma we are looking for brother Chinonso!”
“Chinonso? Chinonso is not here ooh!” I returned.
“Emma open the door I want to speak with you!” Man’s Uncle’s wife Onyinye spoke.


“Come in!” The Beautiful Onyinye entered, “Please sit down!” I offered.
“Uncle should I also sit down?” Naeto the trouble maker.
“Sit down Naeto” I almost yelled, “sit down!”

Onyinye took a deep breath before she spoke.
“I heard Chinonso was arrested by the Police few hours ago!”
“Yes he was, he and Ugo, and Alex!” Those names sounded strange to me.
“How did it happen? What did they do?” Onyinye asked, “Did they steal?”

“No they didn’t steal ooh, they sold Indian Hemp to one rich man, the rich man didn’t agree with their exorbitant price, so the man paid the Police to arrest them” Lie of the century.
“really! Which kin rich man be that? Wicked man!”
“Ehnnn! Wicked man!” I returned with a pity face.
“So why didn’t they arrest you too?” Onyinye asked.
“Me? No ooh, I was not in the room when the Police came to arrest them oh”

“What will we do now?” She asked
“Do? Nothing for now ooh! Let us wait till tomorrow morning, I am just returning from the station, I went to give them food” Another lie.
“But you know where the station is abi?” She asked.
“I know the place, Kala Police station” I replied.
I waited to see her large back side as she stood up. The look on Naeto's face was like; “Why are you looking at my Mum’s bom-bom”
“Okay I will call his uncle to inform him about everything, he is onshore now!” They left.




“make I use this opportunity wey light dey put hot water for electric stove wey I go baff” I stood up.
I was lying on the bed thinking of Onyinye when I slept of.







“Emma you know I love you so much, I want to divorce my husband and marry you” She was lying on my bare chest in a cozy hotel room.
“I love you too, but when are you going to divorce him?”
“I will, I will divorce him, he doesn’t even know how to do the thing well, you do better than him” She smiled.
“You mean it!” I smiled brightly.
“Yes of course!” Her finger was on my lips.
“Okay prove it with a kiss”
Onyinye’s lips called for a kiss, then……





“Fire! Fire! Fire!”


The house was on fire.

skubido:
Nice wan Flow

Thanks for reading