₦airaland Forum

faridaije:
I feel sorry for myself.

Don't darling, you really don't have to, your mum wouldn't want you to and I know you know that.

Think of all the babies whose mothers died after birthing them, what would you say of such? At least you got to meet your mum and have memories of her to hold on to. Just pull yourself together dear, time will make it easier, I promise.

faridaije:
since your mother died.. have you felt her spirit or had any transcendental effect e.g. her communicating to you in anyway

Not that I can think of, I just know I dream of her alot, like a lot lot.

faridaije:
yeah...

I try and remind myself that I am blessed.

The only 'problem' I have in my life is that my mum is dead.

apart from that

i have a good job, studying a good course, have a good family, have money, look good with good personality and so much more... i lack nothing apart from my mother.

just have 2 keep reminding myself that.

That's the spirit, you just gotta keep living.

faridaije:
I am unsure if anyone is laughing

but I for sure have enemies who were jealous of our progress

and I am sure deep down some will be secretly happy at our calamity

also some will think we have done bad and we are being re-payed for bad deeds? I always think 2 myself what did my mum do 2 deserve this

Don't concern yourself with all of that, there will always be people who aren't happy at the progress of others and that's their own f00lishness. Its not like anyone's sure who would die or what would happen next, so where's the sense in rejoicing over someone's misfortune? None whatsoever.

Bad things don't always happen to people because they did something to deserve it, that I have learnt from my time on earth, some things are just mysteries and trying to unravel them, only leaves one further confused, even babies die my dear, stop thinking it has something to so with what your mum may or may have not done, death's just a part of life, a very painful/sad one, but it is what it is.

I know you are really hurting but try to be strong for yourself and family, love, think about what your mum would have wanted for you, I'm sure she wouldn't want you worrying so much, you gotta take it easy sweet, it gets easier with time.

JasonBLood:
There's nothing wrong with rape it's a natural part of life.

I know you are seeking attention but for choosing a sensitive topic as this, you will die a miserable death, ekwensu.

Must every animal be eaten?

Hia! Na wa o.

faridaije:
My dad is also around,

Can u imagine he already has an unofficial girlfriend (woman he talks to flirts with ) my mum hasn’t not even been dead 6 months

Also..... did your enemies laugh at your mums death

My dear sister, I swear I don't understand men, guess they are just not wired to feel as much as we do, so they just find ways to move on as quickly as they can. (not all men though) but if you asked me, I think your dad is being kinda insensitive, not minding how you feel, I'm sorry about that dear.

My dad didn't start talking about another woman till about after two year or so, though I'm not sure he wasn't seeing her before then, he just knew not to rub it in our faces, I guess partly cos he knew we wouldn't take it lightly, at all, even when he introduced her, he had to gather his siblings for support, still, we were not welcoming, of course we know it isn't her fault, but, our mum's our mum, so you don't expect us to be all smiley when we meet a woman that would be marrying her husband, we have nothing against the woman, we just don't have a relationship with her, and, my siblings/I, are cool that way, what am I saying?

6 months might seem too early but in the end, he does have to move on, I would just expect that he puts your feelings into consideration. I do know my father's wife is helping him since we can't be there like a wife should, so I guess you just have to see it from that angle and console yourself, its hard I know, I even still get some type of feeling when I see her with my dad, and it's been almost 8 years, how much more you, just be strong love.

I don't think anyone laughed, atleast not that I know of, I really try not to concern myself with so called enemies, as long as no one's trying to harm me physically, I'm good.

Why did you ask? Are people laughing at her death?

faridaije:
Thanks.

Is your dad still around

You are welcome.

Yes, he is very much around.

[s]And incase you wanna know, he's remarried.[/s]

faridaije:
How did you maintain your faith in God, because I have totally lost mine

Well, my mum died when I was 19 and from what I remember about myself even as a child, I always had questions about God and stuff, I still kinda believed after she died but along the line, I discovered, religion isn't really for me, as I've been what you may call "atheist" if you want to put a label on it, for some years now.

Maybe her death further fueled my quest for knowledge and sped up the process of losing my religion, maybe not, I'm not really sure but one thing I know is that, I'd rather not believe in a God who sits idly by, watching his supposed children suffer.

Please bear in mind that, I'm not trying to discourage you, I'm just telling you my story.

People actually attend his church?

My Gawd!

Take heart dear.

Lost my mum too a while back, she was only 47, I felt like I would die as well, but I'm still here, somehow, I haven't been able to go back to my original body weight ever since, what am I trying to say? My dear, it won't be easy but life has got to continue, I still think and dream of her most days, sometimes, I cry when I do, and other times, I laugh or smile, reminiscing on all the fun times we had together.

Just hold on tightly to the memory of her, cry if you feel like it, it eases the pain a little.
In time, you'll be able to adjust to life without her, its really hard cos there are days I feel like she's the only one who would understand what I'm going through or
what i have to say, still, what can one do?

Just console yourself with the belief that she's in a better place, a place where she can feel no pain or sorrow.

I'm so sorry for your loss, trust me when I say, I know how you feel. Its really a pity, once again, so sorry dear.

Enjoy your life with your love o jare. #YOLO

Speedy my niggy.

Bless up man.

60 ke?

Ha! If this man chyke me I go gree o, he doesn't look it.

HBD

inyangd4:
if you can live your entire life covering the lie, then go ahead but I wonder how you'd live with such guilt for so long....

Which guilt?

What's there to tell? Mschew

When something serious, that you shouldn't lie about happens now, you will lie with a straight face. What are you claiming now? As if he isn't the only man you've been with.

You were rapêd as a teenager, that's not you choosing to have sex, and I don't see why you must tell him you were rapêd, well unless you like reliving the ordeal.

advania:
Hmmmm..

Your friend.

This kind friend that I don't know.

Hmmmm

advania:
Chai!
Cocoa still fighting.. mogbe!

Before nko? And who are you?

I didn't want to call anyone names but all these people blasting the yeye freezer over his stance on tithes, are very stvpid, how can a grown a$$ man be dashing another money and say he's giving it to God? Mschew

selflessmaya:
look, it's not my fault if you have absolutely no reading comprehension. you're none of my business. i did not point out my likes to intimidate anyone with the number of ppl that agreed with me, it's basic sentence structure, learn it: u said my comment was long and no one here will waste time reading it ... (your comment in quote below to jog your lil memory), i replied that 160+ ppl have read & liked it. sentence break down: if 160+ ppl liked it, it means that more than 160 ppl have read the comment . learn sentence structure, subject & predicate before u come spewing trash. the subject of my conversation with u was not who agreed or who didn't but who read it and who didn't and the proof of number of readers(subject of the topic) lies in the ppl who took time to like my comment, going by the theory that a comment's no of likes are always equal or less than the number of ppl who read it cos some ppl also read it and didnt like it and kept it moving but they read it which is THE POINT.

i had many mentions of ppl who did not agree with me and not once did i refute them saying many ppl agree with me cos of likes, so if i mentioned that to u, it's not my fault u dont know the subject of a topic that YOU started. you missed the point woefullly cos you're super desperate to call my bluff. i have you really pressed, just how i like it, stay pressed! i never called u names yet you're here trying to put me down and calling me empty, go call your mother that, she's the one who raised a pained b!tch like u. the only conclusion you came to is the woman is evil so why not just state it?

you tried to silence my first comment: asking if i'm a psychiatrist to make such conclusions.. then said f*ck whatever psychiatrist who thinks i'm right, so ur issue with me is not that u question my qualifications to observe but u just dont want to agree with me, u dont have to agree with me, so freeze that. now you're saying that even if i were a doctor, many would die at my hands. so hell bent to diminish my opinion you concluded that all 870 ppl who liked the comment are 'the stupid ppl who make up majority' on this site. bye felicia! u can choke on your own sh!t as you stuff it to fill up your own emptiness & void. feed your mama some of your sh!t too, heaven knows you have enough to go around. chew on that! this is the nicest reply u will get from me ever again so if you're gonna do this to yourself and show up in my mentions again, let me inform u first that i will show zero sensitivity while clapping back cos u're very stupid. so, u better bring your A-game cos i am not your match. you are wayyy beneath me and it shows & i will draaaaagggg u so hard your ancestors will feel it. better pretend u didnt read this and dodge this bullet, it's a long reply but well detailed since all u do is miss the point, refuse to read and act foolish. you constipated idiot!

My friend you are writing plenty rubbish that no one cares for.

I was reading and got bored, you kept repeating yourself about what you meant with likes bla bla bla, talkin bout sentence structure, subject, yada yada, bish no one cares about all that, who subject help? See person wey wan teach me sentence structure, let's even assume I need to learn something on that, you are not one to teach me, cos I mean, you don't know anything. And if you think everyone who liked your useless post actually read it, then you are crazier than originally thought, like some mad people don't go about liking every post they see, girl please!

Point is, you just made diagnosis with made up facts and decided to proffer solution based on that, a very nonsensical move, she is not your patient, you don't know Jack about her to make such outrageous inferences, you get brain so?

See this one talking about someone being intimidated by likes, come do you even know where you are at all? What will likes contribute to anybody's life? See why you you don't have sense? I didn't read your whole epistle, there's no need to, you are too stupid it hurts, the annoying thing is that you actually believe you are too much, my friend you are a numbskull, you don't know sh1t, you can kill yourself if you like, as I tell you, na so e dey. You don't know squat.

And don't annoy me o, if you want us to cuss ourselves from now till tomorrow, I can take you up on that o, so better respect yourself and learn how to give advice, rubbish somebody.

And I think I read something somewhere you said about calling you names, I can call whatever I like cos that's what you are, kill yourself.

*Modified *
Hahaha , I said let me even read this thing sef, see who I'm arguing, taking a shot at parents, now are we? You are worse than I thought, then you had the nerves to warn me about mentioning you? Bish, you don looked for trouble, like you actually believe you are scary? If I slap you eh, you will see stars, it's like you don't know your mates, just see wetin is saying that someone is beneath her, you wey no get one single sense, you go watch movie finish come here talking rubbish, expecting people to agree with you, and if they don't, they are beneath you? I can tell you have serious complex issues, who cares about you to wonder whether they are beneath you or not? You are not well o. And you better give it all you got o, better thunder fire you there, anumanu! To God you get luck, just thank your stars I'm in a good mood, tozo!

BTW, selflessmaya selflessmaya selflessmaya selflessmaya infinity, I have mentioned you, now do your worst.

Who wants to marry a thief?

Though I'm almost certain the money had something to do with wedding expenses but still...

selflessmaya:
take the time to read my comment before u comment. i pointed out multiple times that OP is not at fault at this, i also pointed out multiple times that it would be easier to leave cos it'll be a hard process getting through this. i pointed out many times that his wife has issues. i even praised OP for taking the abuse for so long before reacting. i literally took sides with OP on this. i pointed out what the likely source and cause of his wife's problem is and made it clear it's not OP. the only solution i gave was if OP chooses to stay and help her work through her issues. i also told him to discard the advice and everything i said if he finally decides to divorce to make it easy for him. and wished him good luck with whatever choice he has to make. so, what are u saying?
it's OP's choice to decide what next to do, it's his life, it's his marriage, it's his family. so are u trying to decide for OP and tell him to leave his marriage? or are u trying to tell OP to stay and not take my solution that wont work? what then do u advice him to do since u have a better solution?


if u didnt read my comment then why mention me if u dont even know what i wrote?? my initial comment itself showed me dragging her and calling her poison. so if i made an edit that obviously contradicts my initial stance, u either just accept the part where i blatantly called her an abuser or read the edit before telling me anything.


as i type this over 163 ppl have read and liked the comment so speak for yourself? i have enough info to make my conclusions. what better conclusion did u come to? mtchew


READING is important.


the OP needs the story, i left the story for him not for u. did i not make it clear over and over that OP is being emotionally and physically abused by his wife? u obviously have no useful advice to give anyone so lemme not get another mention from you.


babe, OP's wife is unable to maintain healthy romantic relationships, she's destroying her marriage cos of her compounded issues. love is not magic, what healed those ppl is working though their issues with their partners, none of them in stable relationships are still living with their secret which is why my whole advice to OP if he wants to make the marriage work is to build their relationship to the point where she can finally speak up and they can get to putting the past behind and carrying on with life. <3 lots of love.

You actually take 'likes' as having made sense? Guess you didn't know that cheap/fake things have more buyers than the authentic ones, my dear, majority of the people on here are stvpid so don't kid yourself.

The woman is evil and that's all there is to it. If you were a doctor, many would die by your hands. How you didn't put into consideration her attitude while dating, during your yeye diagnosis is a glaring example of how empty you are, while attempting to sound like you know sh1t, nonsense!

Bite me.

Haha!

My kind of guy.

Really? I didn't know Oyinbo Hawking is unheard of.

This one start early, his criminality will sha know no bounds.

I just wonder why I didn't open a church, well, I just still might.

Some men sef, you don't love a girl yet you keep and sleep with her, even unprotected, only to start preaching about forcing self on you when sh1t gets real, Satan will deal with una finish.

selflessmaya:
when ppl say never hit your wife, they mean never become the aggressor. what is happening to to you is domestic violence and your wife is abusing you emotionally and physically. you need to leave that woman fast. she's poison! don't try to change her, don't blame yourself for anything, just, cut her loose!

EDIT: so I just read the old article you included in the link, i change my mind. with more insight to this:
OP, I dont mean this in an insensitive way, your wife has some deep issues and must have suffered some intense psychological trauma to cause her to feel a lot of bitterness and act out in sadism when angry, the knife, the fork, hitting you with a shoe on your head and not stopping when you didnt even react!! this last one is a huge red light, something is really wrong with your wife, she loves to inflict pain and if her personality is as contrast as u say, that everyone thinks she's this sweet girl, then whatever is wrong with her runs really deep, it's not normal at all to keep hitting a person with a shoe on the head when they're not fighting back, she wants to hurt you, she wants u to feel pain.

I'm honestly convinced your wife has suffered sexual assault at an early age that led to a break in psyche, she's mastered suppressing her feelings, her nice girl act is not an 'act', she's actually that nice. but when she's angry, all the bitterness buried beneath the surface emerges and she finally deals with all the buried emotion in its magnitude, it overwhelms her and she wants to act out to hit something or punch a wall etc. when she's alone and unhappy, even when she lived with her parents, u really dont want to see/imagine what your wife does to and says to herself, this anger she shows you, she's lived with it for a long time, she's been her own victim till now when she made u her victim. there is nothing she has done to you that she hasn't done to herself times hundred.

if you choose to for better for worse it, find a psychiatrist or psychologist and go with your wife for counselling, your wife, with or without you will never change till she finally begins to work on whatever buried bitterness she's had to live with for years. try to get help together as a family or get a divorce if u would rather not go through it. it's really that simple, your wife will live with whatever has happened for the rest of her life but how she manages the accompanying emotions, her anger and abandonment issues can all be taken care of with a good psychologist and emotional support on your part. educate yourself on the topic of sexual assault and learn the necessary sensitivity training and triggers. counselling will teach you all this.

no, i'm not thinking too far, your wife ticks a lot of boxes:
-extra charming cos of distorted/low self image and need to be accepted
-her over-religiousness is for closure that she needs and like u said her prayers are always for her god to attack ppl for her. even her relationship with god isnt healthy, it's a coping mechanism. the idea of a protector that will attack on her behalf.
-she talks from 12am to 4am alone when you're asleep, OP, your wife is full of a lot of buried emotion, she really wants to talk to someone about something.
-despite being a nice girl, before you married her, she had no friends
-she's very quiet, hardly finishes her words (withdrawn personality, mastered suppresion)

you should never have raised your hands to hit this woman, when she froze for 5 minutes, it's not that she was thinking she overstepped her boundaries, she was actually coming back to her senses, when your wife gets angry, she loses her mind and forgets who she's dealing with. even worse when the person who angered her is male, she reacts with more venom cos subconsciously he represents her aggressor and she wants to hurt him to make him feel pain. she probably has conversations with herself and imagines herself confronting her abuser and being able to hurt him back and make him regret his actions and cries alone cos it's only in her imagination that she can deal with him. when a man makes her defensive in her personal space, she attacks. till u actually hit her, u just represented something that she has bad blood with and now you've added yourself to the list of men that have ruined her.
she has stopped hitting u cos she has buried the incident of the slaps too but OP, the same place it's buried is the same place her demons she's battling are buried, she wont touch you but when her bitterness surfaces when she's alone, this time you're one of her enemies. the resentment is growing and when she sees u, she's filled with such bitterness she shoves u. if u do not intend to fix this marriage OP, walk away NOW. a lot of bitterness is brewing in this woman and if you add yourself to the list, we will read about u in the news the day this woman snaps. the same way u never saw her eyes so red the day she yelled, u will never believe she has it in her to go the extent she'll go, your wife will surprise you.

nigeria does not have a good support system for ppl who have had to deal with the trauma of sexual assault, society takes it lightly too but this is 2017, ppl should educate themselves on this, when we read here everyday '6 yr old girl raped in lagos by 43 yr old man', that girl is someone's future wife and she will NOT just be like everybody else, the scars of her trauma will show one way or another and she'll need extra sensitivity cos she's a "special" case. your wife is not a naturally aggressive person, that i can tell u and it's sad that another human being created this monster in her. OP, this is really not your battle, it's not you she wants to fight, you did not give her all the bitterness she's carrying, so let the slaps u gave her be the last, you wife is a very very bitter scorned woman whose hurt has taken years and years to germinate, the person who hurt her isnt dealing with it, u are. if u add to her bitterness and it gets too much, the person who created 99% of this mess will not be the scapegoat, again it will be u. i haven't dealt with sexual assault personally or with a family member but i have met closely with some of the victims and the effects of sexual assault are too underestimated. ppl should be killed for damaging another human like that.

if u do choose to save your marriage:
apologize profusely for hitting her and become super sweet, if u choose to undo this mess, u have to be ready, sensitive, patient, very educated about this issue and strong for the both of u. if u choose to walk this path, u will watch her fall apart and u have to be ready to help her reassemble.
don't let her hit you, hold her hands and keep holding it and talking to her till she calms down. your wife is actually a very sweet person, the person you knew her to be when u married her exists, just buried under layers of bitterness. i dont blame u at all for hitting her, there's nothing illogical in hitting someone who came at u with a knife, i can understand why u snapped but let it be the last time. your wife wants to talk to you, listen to her, she talks when you sleep, when you leave she follows you, it's annoying but it's her subconscious, she really wants to reach out. listen to your wife! make out time and let her rant, she will talk about so many things, no matter how messed up it sounds, keep listening. then talk back about whatever and if she interrupts and tries to talk, let her talk, just listen. u can stop the midnight talks by changing it to day time. stop sleeping in your sitting room, move back to your bed.

when you're ready to make the move, try pulling it out of her, on top of your new sweetness, be extra extra sweet to her for the whole week like her sh!t dont stink, on a friday(so if she spills, you'll both have the weekend to grieve), make sure she's in a nice awww darling mood and when you're holding her, just brush by a conversation u heard at the office that made u really sick "about a dude that assaulted some teenage girl and how mad it makes you that men like that are still walking around breathing and if they ever dared it with someone u care about, u'll deal with them and how no matter what she was wearing or where she was, no one has the right on another person's body without consent and the worst part is there are girls out there who have experienced this and told no one and the animal didnt get caught"
stay on the topic of sexual assault and follow body language, dont change the topic, be gentle, when she cracks, try to get her to talk, say what u have to "she can tell u anything, u wont judge, u love her from here to japan, if it affects her it affects you, u are both one and she can confide in u etc" when she talks, encourage her to keep talking, show that you're listening, console her all you can, cry with her even if u have to force the tears though i doubt you'll have to force them, make her see that whatever sunken place she's in, you've somehow gotten there too but dont cry more than her haba. tell her that both of u will go for counselling together, find a good therapist and go with her till she makes progress to go alone. make sure u find a therapist before u try to get her to talk about this and once she talks, the upcoming monday, begin therapy. and dont expect to work this out in 2 days, give yourself time like 4-6wks to build the emotional environment of trust and zero judgement to be able to access her when the time comes. note: she has to open up to you before you can go for therapy.

-u can expect her to go into depression for a while, she might need anti-depressants, sleeping pills too, she will be dealing with a lot of emotion once she finally lets someone in.
-NEVER EVER make a joke about her incident or say something mean to her about it... NEVER EVER!!! NEVER EVER!!! I MEAN IT OP.
-if u want to divorce her and not work through this, which is honestly the easy way out for you, then pls dont bring up anything i just told u here, dont taunt her over this, dont ask her about abuse or anything, just let the marriage end and pretend u didnt even read this. she will still live with herself so she has it heavy already.

i really do sympathize with you, u have found yourself in a very unfortunate position and no decision u make will be easy. sadly enough, i feel sorry for your wife too, she's really lived her hell and she's putting you through it. both of u dont deserve this. i also applaud you for all the grace you've shown, it's very hard to break the cycle of abuse, abused ppl mostly pass it on to others, maybe not in the form they received it but they leave their mark, so i can imagine how strong a person u were to endure all the emotional & physical abuse. and no, slapping her back was not abuse, u defended yourself full stop! dont feel sorry for yourself, just do what u have to do: stay & do the work to mend this if u can or leave if u cant.
u have to accept that your wife has issues that cause aggression when it flares. in time, u will also notice she's protective of children or animals or things she pictures as defenseless, it'll show in her mothering, not wanting your kid to go out, being too clingy to the child, convinced the big bad world is out to get her child, all that u will both work through in due time. once you can get your wife to show you the dark place she's in, it'll not be her safe place anymore, she can't hide there anymore, whatever comes to surface will be dealt with by both of you and u will finally live with the smiling smiling girl u married. good luck OP

This is like really long, ain't nobody gon read all that.

Meanwhile, you don't have enough info to conclude all the emboldened. Are you a psychiatrist, her therapist? Even then, excuse my language please, I'll say "feck any therapist or whoever, that provides such solution to a problem like the OP's.

Like WTF?