₦airaland Forum

lola024:
Read carefully and follow the instruction dearly.... then thank me later.

So, you're in love with one of your friends, but she has a boyfriend and probably wouldn't have sex with you anyway.

What you will need: 1 x knife, 1 x ring, access to a sunbed, the ability to grow a beard.

Step One: Place the ring on your wedding finger and avoid contact with your friend for a month.

Step Two: Stop shaving and use the sunbed to gain a tan.

Step Three: After a month when your beard is full and your tan is noticeable, remove the ring from your finger.

Step Four: Remove all your clothes and break into your friend's house.

Step Five: Use the knife to cut your body in various places. Avoid the face. If possible, focus on your back. The more blood the better.

Step Six: Enter your friend's bedroom and lie face down on the floor. Wait for her return.

Step Seven: When she enters the room pretend to be unconscious. Allow her to turn you over and try to wake you for a few seconds before you open your eyes. The injuries to your body will serve as a distraction to your unclothedness. She will be more concerned about your wellbeing instead of fearing the naked man in her room.

Step Eight: When she asks you what's happened you should ignore her questions. Instead you must act confused and ask the date. If it's September 15th she will say 'September 15th' to which you must reply 'No, what year is it?'

Step Nine: Upon hearing the year say the words 'It worked.' Pretend to lose consciousness again for a few seconds, implying that whatever it is that has worked took a great effort.

Step Ten: If your friend is a curious person she will probably ask 'What worked?', even if she doesn't ask this question it is important that you now say the words '(Insert Friend's Name), I'm from the future' in your most deadpan voice.

Step Eleven: Pause for ten seconds to allow the incrediblness of the situation to sink in. There will be no reason for her to doubt your claim, because your beard will make you appear many years older and your cuts would add weight to the idea that you've come from a post-apocalyptic future where a war is currently taking place.

Step Twelve: Raise your left hand to your face. All women are very observant, so your friend will immediately notice the tanline on your wedding finger. If she is educated to a decent standard she will realise that you are married and your ring has simply disappeared, because clothing and other items cannot travel through time. Your nudity will support this.

Step Thirteen: Now comes the hard part - The monologue. In your own words you must give a speech in which you mention all of these key points:

a) You are married to each other in the future

b) Her current boyfriend is dead

c) The world is coming to an end. It's up to you to pick a reason, but I would recommend a war against machines. This whole situation will be backed up by the Terminator franchise

d) In the future your relationship is not going well

e) You've come back in time because you can't help but feel that she would have been happier with her current boyfriend if he hadn't been killed

f) Her current boyfriend is going to be hit by a bus on a day six months from her present. She should stop him going to work that day

g) If she does exactly what you say this current version of yourself will be erased and you will never get married. If she questions this flaw in your time travel logic, because you cannot change the past, simply reference Back to the Future

Step Fourteen: Unless your friend is made of stone she will now be overcome by emotion, especially at your selflessness. Get to your feet and go to kiss her goodbye. It is important that you do this with the confidence of a man who has done this to her many times.

Step Fifteen: There is now no possible way that you aren't about to have sex with her. You're naked, kissing her, in her bedroom, agreeing to erase a version of yourself from history to make her happy. And as far as she knows you've had sex many times in a future that will no longer happen, so she thinks to herself that maybe she should have one memory of it.

Step Sixteen: After having the sex, ask to borrow some clothes then leave.

Step Seventeen: Shave off your beard and coat your wedding finger in fake tan. Carry on as if nothing has happened. There will be three possible outcomes:

1) During the sex some feelings that she didn't know existed are awakened and she will leave her boyfriend for you.

2) Life will carry on as normal.

3) You will be filled with guilt because of this moral grey area where you aren't entirely sure if what you've done counts as some kind of low level rape. You will take your own life by hanging, overdose or wrist cutting.

Badgers14:
Trumps rude awakening... Hahaha..

Trump failed to realize that he won electoral vote and not popular vote.


That his success as a businessman doesn't mean success in politics... To be successful in politics, you need political acumen which he lacks.. Business is different from politics in the sense that a business man wants to make money, he bargains and since the owner writes a check he dictate who to buy from.

But presidency is not like that, alot of U.S. politicians join politics because of power, they Dont make much money compared to their counterparts in Nigeria

But Trump is ridiculing himself already. A judge have blocked "temporary" the executive order while signalling the Plaintiffs, ACLU have a good case.

To be sincere, Trump thought there would be jubilation, he never expected this backlash.

Trump supporters fail to realize his hypocrisy... His grandfather was expelled from Germany, his mother is from Scotland, his first wife Ivanka is from Czech republic and his current wife is from Serbia... Yet he is anti immigration..

Don't forget that one of the biggest company in the planet GoOgle is founded by 2 immigrants.

Trump thinks he could pull a Hitler but that would not happen in this generation. Things have changed.

His immigration orders is just sensless, all this mass shootings left and right , Colorado theather shooting, virgina tech, Connecticut middle school, Chicago every weekend... Which country did all those suspects come from

zendy:
A lesson for bacward Nigerians who only believe in "Lord Lugard made us Nigerians". No unity is permanent!

Nma27:
Bros take it easy o before u carry unnecessary baggage.

ayoBiz:
No be lie o. He speaks pigdin like something else...

sorextee:
this is why we cant rely on the naija policemen..
by the way, whos VAMPIRE

So, assuming im the one who wants to testify against him in court, and those guys came to rescue him,
my own don be..
i dont believe in that PROTECTIVE CUSTODY thing our naija police dey always say will protect ur identity.
na lie, e no dey work. they will still trail you..

megareal:
It's because we have too many things to do at the shortest possible time. So a wriggling, dancing, running child during baths or feedings or any other time upsets our timing and stretches the duration for each chore.

We are mainly patient when we've exhausted our mental list. Then we can feel at ease and play.

lmao

maybe its white blood cells bruh

lmao

Zceesneh:
not sweet, isn't an negative remark, i don't eat cold rice, is just a sentence

Andyblaze:
Hello guys,

In 2015 I released my first single on this Platform and it graced the homepage and was full of rave reviews and can be viewed here - https://www.nairaland.com/2792860/finally-it-here-andy-blaze


Today after a one year hiatus, Andy Blaze is finally back on the music scene with two new singles.
The first "PutCall" is a normal paced street themed rap song which is surely one you'll find yourself singing along to involuntarily while "Pikachu" is a cover to the currently trending Number One song in Nigeria, Run town's Mad Over You.


Both songs have this infectious vibe and melody about them respectively that will only have you pressing the repeat button after the first listen.

Download below, share and support a brother's hustle.

DOWNLOAD PUT CALL

DOWNLOAD PIKACHU "MAD OVER YOU COVER" HERE




#Bless
#BITG
#Boomba

malton:
One or two Yoruba men being among the mutineers doesn't make it any less an Igbo coup. Those guys were Yoruba only by name. They were Igbo at heart, through association. People like that can kill their kith and kin just to further their associates' cause.

It was a coup plotted and orchestrated by your progenitors for their own selfish gains.

Isn't it funny that a tribe which had army officers that had advanced so far in ranks could still claim that she was being marginalized?

Till date, they still carry that victim mentality on their heads like galla.

What I find most funny is that you people often turn history on its head and label the Yorubas 'treacherous backstabbers'... If what transpired as narrated above isn't treachery, then I wonder what is.

Catalin:
You must be out of your freaking mind.

WorldRichest:
Very very soon, Niger Delta miscreants will start hawking their oyel in Lagos holdups like Gala and LaCasera.

fergie001:
I know what's on your mind,na d same thing dey my mind 2

tracyfemmmm:
Because alot of men cannot be bothered to learn how to please their wives in the bedroom.