₦airaland Forum

Don't be such an Askhole!

Asking for advice you don't wanna adhere to? Puh-leeze!

Jazz ko, Hip hop ni!

IAmTobore:
OP, you got one bad habit, which is operating your phone while walking. Let's put "pocket picking" aside. If to say na trailer fail brakes nko? Na so u go dey waka press phone sotay e go come crush you. Well my advise is this; nobody is smart, and nobody is dull. It depends on how we use our brains. When having a walk(wether in a busy area or in a quiet area), your gadgets including your your purse should be in your front pockets. Except you are making a call, your phones and other gadgets should be in your pocket. And always be at alert.

Thanks man. That was one of my undoings with the Ikorodu episode...but the other 2? Phones were right in my pocket. These guys are just jobless mofos!

raayah:
Just beautiful!!

They are in their 80's and still in Love!!

So cute!!!

Abi o!

He could just be a benevolent person. Not every giver wants something in return. Perhaps he derives joy from doing good.

My answer might not be satisfactory - even to me, so I'd suggest you do your due diligence. Does he take care of his family well? Is he generally 'philanthropic' (you can chat him up subtly on how you want to start contributing money to one motherless babies home or something just to sample his opinion)?

Point is: be sure it's his nature so at least you can remove that suspicion of him wanting something in return.


If it turns out that it isn't in his nature, my sister, enjoy it while it lasts, and have an exit plan! Some of those that will diss you here wish they were in your shoes.

I don yarn.


Follow this advice too!

KOLZY:
my dear first things first... does his wife know about his friendship with you? if NO try and make him introduce to his wife and become a friend of the family else or if he refused cut it off its not genuine.
secondly, from what you've written you boyfriend doesn't know about him. so sit him down and tell him about it.
from here you'll know what to do.
so let your mind be at rest... understanding is all what this takes

He's a bisexual jooor..At least he put her in the family way...something very rare in the gay circles..Make your sister move on o! Time no dey. Some guys don't mind "after-1", so her market value might still be reasonable.

*Drops Mic*

Keep the baby...and start earning a living. IT won't be easy but your baby's arrival should be enough motivation. Don't blame your family as they're only being pragmatic. You and the guy should get busy. Look at your strengths and monetize them. It really isn't going to be easy (you might be lucky though). Brace up mami...Your time starts now!

But he's right...

Perhaps, the real reason op opened this thread is that it might make front page and then people would be forced to check out his profile and see this thread he created, and then help him out...

Nice try op!

R

Jayclinics:
Those boyfriends of us are darlings, but no angels. There are a few things that they keep hidden from us. Here are the 21 things your boyfriend will never admit.

1. I will NEVER say you became fat, even it’s true
2. And I think some of the clothes you wear aren’t nice
3. I often don’t know what you’re talking about, but I just nod yes
4. And sometimes it’s really annoying to hold your hand
5. I will never tell you what I really think about your family
6. I find your best friend / sister / neighbour / …quite attractive
7. Sometimes I dare to look at pretty women
8. And yes, sometimes I fantasize about someone else
9. I don’t say no to sex, even though I didn’t really want
10. And no, I really don’t want to talk after sex
11. Yes, sometimes I will lie to you about your cooking
12. But I also don’t have an idea of ​​what I’m doing
13. Sometimes I like to watch a chick flick
14. But I also want to do something alone
15. Sometimes I text with a girlfriend, without telling it to you
16. And yes, sometimes I tell things about you to them
17. But I hate it when you are too well with a man
18. Sometimes I freak out if you don’t immediately respond to my text
19. And yes, I’m afraid you’re going to dump me
20. Because: I see you becoming sweeter and sweeter and sweeter and sweeter and sweeter…

Source:
http://www.mixtgist.com/2015/06/20-things-your-boyfriend-would-never.html

Op, got a boyfriend? Or the author is female?

dhesire:
This will most def. pass as a missive to the Lagoon metropolis dwellers but I like your style of writing, it's lucid in nature.

More NGT experience to share (Near Gory Tales)

Thanks bro!

Lol @NGT!

HIMYM - One of the most hilarious TV series I've ever seen. Second only to The Big Bang Theory...

@Charism
I've come this far to read your refutation of the @Eden1747's claim. Don't dull us o!

suco50:
I read the whole epistle of @Op as well as every single comment on this thread, but no 1 made mention of the assumption that these pickpocketers could possibly make do with "jazz" (charms). In my experience at Balogun market on Monday 8th Dec. 2014, this neatly dressed guy also acted up like I hit him. He is an Igbo and he had this cool guy outlook such that you wouldnt take him for a street urchin. He was on a sky blue rock T-shirt, a dark blue skin-tight jean pant, a black sneakers and a ballers cap. I went to that market with 90K but I've purchased goods and was left with 43K. While roaming the market on this fateful day around 4.20pm trying to purchase other goods, this guy came from behind and brushed me but acted up like I tripped over him earlier without saying sorry; I must have been deceived by his appearance cos he looked so neat and cool that I had no fear to apologize despite being a stranger. My kind of person wouldn't have had any conversation with him had he being a dirty dreadlock, tatooed, multi-body-parts-piercing looking guy. Following this, the then enstrange but now trending gist of " if to say you no say sorry, I for punch you like this" was also established by this guy but I believe the gist in this case was more than mere prank; he could or must have hit me with a charm because I rmbr I saw him pause the conversation at a time and he was soliloquizing (that could be incantations); from that point my brain went blank! The whole scenario that followed was like a trans; throughout the time he jerked me up by grabbing my jean pant in the waistline, pushed up the 43K in the front right side of my jean, removed the cash and cross to the other side of the road, I was half conscious. I wasn't able to process consciously what was going on. I went to the market along with a friend and she, coming from behind came to the scene while the guy was jerking me and asked me what was going on? She told me later on that I replied her with a smile that there is no problem, that the guy was only playing with me! Following that, she said she just kept on moving ahead! So after the robbery, the guy crossed to the other side of the road and freed me from the spell by saying "thank you Sir, God bless you Sir, safe journey Sir"! Then he disappeared into the thick crowd. Minutes later, abt 2 or 3, after walking in a straight motion still unconscious, I suddenly regained my consciousness! Some people supported the assumption that these hoodlums usually release victims from their spells through verbal utterances. After regaining my consciousness, the first thing that occurred to me was to check for my cash and alas it was gone! I called my friend (the girl), she was walking fast in a straight motion ahead of me, I shouted before she could stop; then I told her I've been robbed! I ran back to the scene but it was already late, the shop owners who witnessed the event only looked at me scornfully and turned their faces away. It was only a rough looking guy who may be an accomplice that made some remarks saying "guy forget, dat 1 don go, u don dull yourself, awon omo aye ti get ee" (meaning: you've been hit by guys of the underworld)

Bro...I don't think it was jazz..You were hypnotized. I didn't know they were that good! Mehn!

hahn:
@infomizer, you were a victim of gbe ese e soke. Let me tell you what happened, first in Ikorodu and in CMS. The first guy that was "demonstrating" to you by lifting your legs up was actually pushing your phone out of your pocket. Lifting your leg up was only to distract you. As you rightly guessed, the GS was an accomplice and while the first dude was "demonstrating", he was behind you waiting for either your phone or wallet to drop. Most times it will fall right in his hands and not on the floor.

The other guy in the bus did distract you by sneezing, like you rightfully guessed again, and did pick your pocket. Lagos pick pockets actually "learn" all those stuff on the street. Believe it or not.

My advice to you will be to never mind any stranger especially agberos. If they come near you just tell them these magic words "ogbeni lo wa eyan imi". Thank me later

Bro...Imma thank you now!
I immediately sensed the pattern. Na real gbe ese e soke! I know what to say next time though. Thanks.

jayriginal:
A good write up is always appreciated. Thanks for the warning.
Not to boast, but I think I'm immune from pick pockets. I'll have to be very distracted for anyone to pick my pockets. I'm very conscious of whatever is in my pockets.
Now, if you read Oliver Twist way back, you would recognize what these people were doing to you. Faggin taught his boys this same trick of physical misdirection.
Please be careful next time.

That's the point bro..On a good day, I'm very conscious of my pockets. Distraction is what they use to perpetuate their acts. Key thing according to @hahn is to let 'em know you know what they're up to and that they should look elsewhere. Read Oliver Twist about 2 decades ago..can't really remember that part thanks to memory...lol. Thanks man.

ogbonnajoe:
no offence......please do check again to be sure you are straight.

No offence plz...got a sis?

Mekky2010:
In 100 years, may be more, may be less, those things that look extremely strange to us today may just become normal, to think that there was a time blacks and whites attended different schools, used different buses; it must have looked a kind of strange to a lot of people when efforts were being made to stop such nonsense by allowing blacks and whites to mix; there was a time that killing of twins was totaling normal, it definitely would have looked strange to our fore fathers when some people tried to stop it.
Today I find it extremely strange that a court could sanction man to man, woman to woman marriage, but then, who knows maybe in 50 years, people could not but imagine what I was thinking to view such as strange.
Summary is, changes will continue ...today I could not but wonder what the Romans were thinking by deploying gladitors as means of entertainment, but could you imagine that, many years ago it was absolutely normal. Today we enjoy boxing as entertainment, I bet you, in 200 years time, the coming generation may think we must all be nut to entertain such violet means of entertainment.
I only pity those of you that will suffer HBP for nothing, the key thing is (and I thank God for that), it's still a matter of choice.
My 2 cents.

Kudos to this piece. This has always been my line of argument. There was a time when being straight was seen as abnormal especially in the case of Emperor Claudius. I really don't get why people bite their heads off over nothing. Like you said, since it's a matter of choice, no wahala! Any guy can plug his deek anywhere it is accepted. It's none of my business.

pinkiberry:
F00LS. they are the pioneers of homosexuality. karma will catch up with them all

They're not ma'am. Sorry.

StarFlux:
Weyreypey, really? Is this how we write Yoruba now?

Wèrèpè ni.

No mind me o! Yeye Yoruba boy like me!

Thanks for the insight op!

It's been a long time coming. I'm happy for them. So proud to be straight tho'...straight as 6 O'clock!!!

vfactor:
Who makes these rules in the first place??

Sincerely, I wish I knew. They're just constructs of a few minds. Sometimes, it pays to ignore these rules and be spontaneous.

Jinyjagz:
same as d one in my area at agbara, dat one will even tell u if u want to close ur acct nobody is holding u..ecobank agbara branch is worst...all dere tinz na one one, 1door, 1atm, 1customer care,1cleaner

@emboldened
This is so fücking hilarious!!!

fm7070:
@OP
You really deserve to earn that beautiful slap @ Ikorodu. How can you be so relaxed to exchange 2 statements with unknown person in Lagos. Are you a learner? Thank God that Oshodi has been renovated and refurbished.
Until God will provide your own car, watch and shadow in Lagos ooooooooo, else you yourself fit disappear (God forbid)
Lagos is a jungle, no padi for jungle

Agreed! I no blame d guy at all. I don wise-up sha!

donem:
@ Op u mumu Eehn, u deh there deh do like girl, nah small remain fellow guy for guy you.

All those touts where deh do dat shit deh observe face shaah.

them no born pickpocketer fine to come act such script with me, E for be for such, cos I 4 confirm the bullshit live and direct.

Base on no joy things.

Nwanem, no be every body be Jet Li nao. I thought I mentioned that I wasn't the aggressive type. Belligerence ain't my style...Na last resort, if at all!

hedonistic:
So, OP and anyone else here who might know about these things, what is the best way to handle this situation if, God forbid, one finds himself in such?

This looks like a really dangerous situation to be in. Being careful wouldn't help in this context, so what should one do?

Methinks one needs to be as vocal as possible, that's if the place isn't an isolated place. Or on the other hand, whilst calling for help, hold on to one of your assailants and don't release the grip no matter what. As in, NO MATTER WHAT! But Lagos lookers might even ignore your cries sef! Whatever the case is, don't act the victim!

Sirlancelot:
Well mine was not theft but a day light duping at computer village ikeja.I was on Pass from work far from Kaduna in 2013.It all started when a street guy approached me to buy his Bold 5 for 20k.Knowing fully well that the price at that time was llke 30k upward,i quickly jumped at the offer but tried to bargained the price to 18k which he obliged.I thoroughly check the phone which was perfectly ok.Then i made way to the nearest ATm to get some money to settle him.After collecting the phone as i made payment,i began my journey back to my destination having pocketed the phone.But this guy kept following me as if he was escorting me as such.i was amazed when he started asking me irrelevant question like where i am going and some useless question like that.When i reached Awo roundabout in ikeja,a guy approach us.Before i know what was happening, he started punching the phone seller,telling him not to sell phone at road side again.'Mufu i don warn u nt to sell phone for road side again'exclaimed the supposed new guy.All this was accompanied with new punch and slap.I was dumb-founded if not confuse as i stand there watching the drama.The new guy ask me authoritatively to return the phone back to him and collect my money,which i did.That is the beginning of my problem.As soon as i handed the phone back to him,i didnt even care to check the money he return back to me.I still remember that moment with fond memory.After he gave me the money,he disapeared with the new guy .!I was left confused.Well i later regained my sense back to check what was given to me,alas it was a one thousand note wrap with remaining once being a white paper cut-sized to rhyme with the 1k note.I check my back which was a shop,people where laughing secretly,apparrently they know what had had happened but choose to be an on-looker. That was not my first time in lagos,i was born and bred in lagos before mooving to Kaduna in 2013 due to my work.I am a trained soldier.I complained to Police attached to the village but nothing was done.I feel like killling someone that day because i was treated like a fool.Very painful.I went back to the spot i met him where i see his fellow 'accomplice' whom even threaten to hit me if i didnt get a life.I was left with no choice than to use my military power.I went to ikeja cantonment to inform my colleague.Two soldiers followed me back to computer village where i arrested those guys that do the same business like them.After much torture at the barrack,they confess to know those guys who dupe me but vow to pay me up.I collected the money back from them.One thing in army is sweet,and that is blanket Job.You buy job,another man can serve the jon for you.Or only one person can buy job for a whole group of people.That how i collected my money back from their friend while i tell them to held those one on the run for accoutable for their loss.

Bro, I envy you! Chai! Things like this make me wanna join the military! Them buy better job! lol

hedonistic:
Very interesting read. You have impressive storytelling skills.

vickylois:
I love your writing style infomizer.

jayjayfancy:
@Op , I love your narrative technique and diction . Kudos

nihinlade:
I enjoyed the way OP narrated the story. I also have a story to share. Mine was funny and at the same time not funny at all. I only haven't gotten the chance to sit and write the narrative story for Nairalanders to read.
OP, I have one advice for you, start writing! I like you for your writing.

bright007:
chai......I like your write-up oooo

blessedjosh:
Op, you have something to do with writing, please don't waste your talent. See you at the top

slyopez:
Op is a good writer, I love your choice of words and grammatical construction.

Olutokun1:
I love the way you write bro.

Thanks y'all! These mean a lot to me!

What kinda ladies do you roll with bro?

Shiiiit!!!!

I blame a system that allows traffic offenders to use the road with impunity. Ima-fücking-gine!

This is sad and annoying at the same time!!

I trip for the timing sha...given the significance of today.

blake777:
Fact or fiction who knows? But one thing is certain ur a good writer bruv keep it up!

It is definitely fact! I wish I could prove it. It is. Thanks for the compliment man!

Abugab:
Was just joking.
Typical Lagos boy hustle, we cover the length and breath of the town to make ends.

Gba!