28yrs Dec 3rd

The next time it happens I would inform my boss about the items. I would not give a name I would just make him aware so that they may tighten up their security in the area where you work inorder to put the pressure on the people who's doing this. Hopefully they will stop. Another option is talking with the person yourself. Letting them know that you are aware of what's going on and that you do not want to be apart of it so you would appreciate if he would not put things in your office or anywhere near you. Just give him the benefit of the doubt.

You guys posted some interesting qualities? Why should the ideal woman have these qualities?

It's true that Allah made men the head of the household in many regard but what exactly does that mean? It doesn't men that he rules everything because he doesn't. He never has and never wills because that's not what head of household is about.

I understand it to be about men being physically stronger, less emotional and able to handle pressure in ways that may be harmful to women. It may be harmful to a woman to be out working all day searching for food for her family. She is then not able to focus on her own woman priciples.  Truthfully men are more logical than women in nature. Women are 95% emotional in nature. We are delicate creatures. Women are mentally stronger than men and serve as many things. She's the counselor, nurture, educator and more. In my oppion women truly are the force behind the head because it is apart of her duty to keep the head right, so all decisions come by her before they are turned into action, at least they should be. And hey if there was no women then who would men lead? How would he know what things are needed to sustain her? and so on.

There you have it, my take



Keep it moving

Wow this is a big deal and i'm not too sure if the people doing this really understands the point of a dowry. I guess it may mean something different to everyone.

From what I understand, the point of men paying a dowry is for him to demonstraight his ability to provide for his wife and family.
If women allow men to under cut this then I could only see them settling for less than what Allah has prescribed. A dowry is not just finanical it is supposed to be what ever the woman wants and her dowry should be within his means. If he is not very wealthy then her dowry should not be very expensive because she has to think about his current status and how her dowry cold possibly affect him. The dowry does not have to be paid right away, but it should be paid before the marriage takes place.

Some people use Prophet Mohammad and his first wife Khadijah as an excuse for women paying for dowrys. Khadijah was a very wealthy woman and the Prophet worked for her before they married but he still paid a dowry within his means as a demonstration of his ability to handle things.


I do not support the actions of women paying dowry and at the same time it is rightfully their choice. This just tells me more about the state of women & men in the world today. It's sad to me because the roles are being revesed and women have been oppressed for so long that lot's of us feel we have to prove a point to men. The point of being equal and able to provide. This is not right because women and men are equal in being creation but we are very different in our natures which seperates us in how we function on many levels. For me there is not point to prove because Allah never said that women can not provide for her family or handle manly functions, nor did he say that men were unable to handle women functions.  Allah gave us specific nature that we prodominatly function within for a specific reason.

I don't know but this is my take.


Keep it moving!!!!

No life is not that serious to go into a closet but in life we must try our best to take care of our selves and make better decisions. I'm hurt but not destroyed. These types of things happen and they must be dealt with accordingly. Surely I'm not stressed out, I just want out before I go to other extremes of being stressed, depressed and seriously sad. it's so early in the relationship that I still have time to get myself back on track. Love is love but the heart doesn't always rule the mind. Every relationship has it's ups and downs and all I'm saying is that I have dealt with enough downs already that to tolerate them so soon already is not within my plans. I have faith in myself and for sure God. My faith is low on men, so I'm choosing to take a break before I'm bitter and go into a closet because I know that all men  are not the same. Right now in my life I need peace not madness so I'm willing to walk away for the sake of peace.
I'm going to take a break from him, I think it's the best thing right now before I get pissed and damage myself by being so down, thinking about this stuff all of the time because that's the only time I really feel sad or hurt. I just want to move on so I'll try to stay busy. I have many other things on my plate right now that's much more important.

Maybe curse was not the right word to use. I have just had so much drama because of the physical beauty. Yes God is good all of the time and he is always trying us. It's a beautiful gift from God it just has been mis-used by others. Physical beauty is not the most important aspect of a person. It matters to the beholder but it's not on the top of the charts for me. I am ready to move on and not really give this situation any more of my time right now. I have written allot about it already and it's starting to seem overwhelming to me, which seems to hold me back. Everyday I pick myself up to move ahead and I want to keep it that way. It feels better and It's the right thing to do.

Feel free to post any comments and I willl give feed back if asked.

Thanks everyone.


keep it movin

Again, I appreciate all of the input received. I will take it all into consideration for surely.

Yes I am hurting already, I didn't realize it at first but I am because I've been through so much hurt in my life from many spectrum's. I do look within myself and try to study my patterns so that I don't make the same mistake over and over again.
Some how some way I always end up hurt and I'm tired and my faith is very low right now. I have invested a little under a year with this man and we defined the relationship a while ago but this situation made me want to re define it because I started feeling things before this. I didn't feel as secure anymore for some reason but I had nothing to go off of.

The truth is I already know what's going on. I tried to give the situation the benefit of the doubt and go outside of myself to possibly avoid another break up. Yes I did think this could possibly work if I put more effort forth but I was wrong and I accept that completely. I have no real excuse for putting up with this guy's mess. I have thought about my compromise and yes it bothers me because I have compromised on how I used the principles and yet nothing has changed. I have compromised allot and it hurts because we make sacrafices in order to build things not to be broken down. We live and we learn and there is something from this guy that's tied to me or my patterns that I have not figured out yet so I don't blame this guy completely, this could be just the way he is and I may have just been finding out about it. I make no excuses for any wrong treatment on either of our parts, I could only deal with the truth, learn and try to make better choices. I was trying to hold on to him truthfully because of the security that he usually gives me in almost every aspect. He can never give me what God gives me that's for sure, I just seen it as a good aspect too help support my lackings as there are some area's that I balance him out as well. I have been in a few relationships, one for 5yrs. I have realized my era's within them so I have been trying to grow. It's seems like the more flexible you are the more they try to break your back. I don't get it but I know for sure that I'm really afraid to try it again. I know one day I will have too but for now I just want to be alone for a while again.

My physical beauty has been a curse and a blessing for me. Unfortunately I have seen more of the curse side of it. Because of my physical beauty I get allot of attention and most of their intentions aren't right or haven't been and it hurts because they rarely explore the beauty inside and mosttimes they don't trust me because they think someone of my caliber has got to have a man or married. I'm not blaming myself I'm just recognizing my reality. I have many things going on for myself and I know that, plus on top of that I a very beautiful woman inside and out. I meet men everyday. I could be already married but I choose not because I was always afraid of being hurt again, like now. I understand that all men are not the same but the hurt feels the same. I don't want you guys feeling sorry for me, I am very open to being real with myself and my life situations. I've been through worse than this before. I just can't figure out what exactly am I doing so wrong to keep attracting similar situations.
I am committed in this relationship. I could be seeing many guys at once but I choose one.


I usually don't boast but I consider myself to be a very strong, wise and intelligent, loving, considerate, supportive, compassionate, honest, truthful and balanced woman who has made great stride in my life, especially being an African American growing up in the corrupt society and dysfunctional family. It's been a journey and many of us take this road. I've been through a lot in my life and enough to know right from wrong. By the grace of God I have been able to handle things as they come my way. Sometimes I'm tired of being the strong, mature one who's always willing to look at things inside out and handle the weight. That goes from my family, friends and love life. Sometimes I feel I need a break from this, I've had to be this way since I was very young under 10yrs old. I don't complain I just do the work but I'm tired sometimes.

It has been a journey dealing with him already and truthfully it's too much for me at this point. I believe the best thing for me to do is to pray for strength to walk away and if he's for me then he will be and if he's not then he's not. Easier said than done but I believe the strength will be granted.  Again I truly appreciate the feed back because it has been so helpful to me in keeping key things into perspective and not allowing my emotions to cloud my view. I'm not sure if I will take this guy back if he comes around because when you're hurt badly and let down in some very profound ways it's kind of hard to change your heart back and condition it for the same thing again. I have experienced it already and I have an idea of what it's like.

I don't think I read into him too much, if anything I don't read enough and I let many things go because I try to choose my battles. I'm 28yrs old, I'm not 18 or 20 so I have a pretty good idea of what I want and need and about what's going on. I grew up right in the heart of a ghetto were things are tuff all of the time and you have to always be on guard. I'm am what African American calls a woman who raised herself up from the concrete and made everyone respect her because of her stride. My community looks up to me allot as a source of inspiration. I'm a great woman who tries to lives a very simple life humbly. I'm far from being a dummy, but I have been a sucker for love more than once. This guy just basically needs to be without me so that he is free to live his life without hurting me. I will grant him his freedom from me, hell I need the freedom from the stress of it all. I've have thought about this for 1 month now and it's been hard to decide but the truth always shines through no matter what. I'm a great person and so is he and we just need to go our separate ways. I hope things work out for both of us. I don't know it's late and I'm a little tired so I'm ranting on and on about my life, sorry. I'll be just fine, thanks you guys for being so supportive. I hope I didn't sound arrogant about this, I just read the responses and I had a real tuff night tonight and it has me thinking very hard about my life right now.

I really love this site because of people like yourselves.  Be good everyone and may God continue to bless us all.


Keep moving

Just an update,


I must admit that I am embarrassed, hurt and disappointed and confused at the same time. It will be fine though, I'm sure it will be.

Today I had to take a different stand. The day we talked about the situation we agreed to get together that night.
Well whenthe night came, he changed his mind about getting together. I still wanted to hook up and he was upset about me wanting to come over. I mean he was really upset till the point of him being silent the whole night. His behavior and response truly hurt me deeply for the first time, even more than I was when I heard about him being out with someone. That night we slept at different ends of the bed and did not touch at all. He felt better the next day and wanted to touch and talk but I could not stop hurting, I felt really bad. He wanted to hook up again and asked if I could call once I'm done with work. I called and he did not answer or return my call all day. I left him a message saying that I was hurt about everything and I didn't understand why he was doing the things he was doing when he's the one who messed up. I didn't call for 3 days he didn't call me either. When I did call  today I was in need of help  because my car broke down and I was stranded. He said he would come. I waited 5 hours and he never showed up. He didn't answer my call or anything. I felt hurt again. My sister came to help me at 10pm and I got home about 11pm. I don't know what to think anymore. I'm totally out of it. I left him a message saying that I would give him space and that if he wanted to talk or anything that he knew how to get a hold of me.

I truly don't understand. I could be naive about it. I'm getting the impression that he doesn't want to be bothered and doesn't care what I think anymore. It's hard to swallow because I have invested a lot into the courtship. I don't believe I have done anything wrong but I feel so let down, disrespected and hurt and I for sure don't understand yet. I don't know what to say to him, I'm not sure if anything will matter. I have never had to deal with this before, it hurts and it's a harsh reality to face.  I'll be alright I'm just really shocked because he's always there for me and going the extra mile to show that he loves me and cares for me so this is all new. We usually have a good time together so I thought.

This is crazy but  guess it's life. I think it's best to leave now so that I'm not hurt or hurt him in the long run.

Thanks you guys,

We met today and I was very calm about the whole situation, I surprised myself. I started off by asking him about how men and women relate in his culture, I asked him about his mission in the relationship and about how he seen me and more. I really didn't look me in my eyes much. He looked all around him as he usually does. Finally I asked him if his love for me would keep him from being withother women. He said Yes (of course). I asked him if he was satisfied in the relationship and what area's could I improve on to possibly help our relationship.

His response was that everything was fine and at this point he didn't think anything needed to change,

The big question. I asked him if he was at a club during the week. He said no. I asked him was he sure, he said yeah. Then I told him that I was made aware of him being at the club with a woman and that I would like for him to tell me about the night. He said that he did go out with his friends and his friend's girl friend brought a few of her friends and they all partied. He said he did dance and have conversation with her but that was it. I wasn't sure what to say after that. I tried to remain calm because he had just told me 5 Min's earlier that he did not go out.

He was surprised that I knew, He had a very puzzled look on his face, He was extra nice to me and very open after I dropped it on him. Before that he was getting frustrated with my questions.

My points to him was that I expect him to be on his best behavior at all time because his actions can be misperceived. I told him I was not comfortable with him grinding on the floor with anyone outside of me and that if he's going to hang out with other women then I should be made aware of it so that I am not thrown off when I hear things. I concluded that his behavior reflects me and that it's embarrassing to me to have a partner who handles things the way he chooses too, especially without communication. I did not appreciate him lying to me because he told me that he was asleep that night that he was grinding on the dance floor.

He wants to continue talking tonight after work. I agreed to it but I'm not sure now that I think more about it. I'm not sure what to do with this guy or this situation. I defiantly don't feel that he has his hormones in check doing things like that. I can't watch him and I don't want to. I would never conduct myself that way, I respect myself and our relationship too much.

Thanks you guys for your support.

Thanks you guys. I will take all of this into consideration. It always help to have a males perspective. I will keep you guys posted on what happens.

I agree with dablessed.

Friendship is first because you have to get to know the other person enough to decide if you want to date them. This stage should be open with no commitments. We should be accepting people for who they are and be open to everything even if we don;t like it, we should ask questions here and be very observant. Pay attention to red flags. After this stage you decided if you want to date.

Dating second, because cause you are now getting to know about them a little deeper, you go places and do things together. This should be a slow paced thing.

Intimacy: Now you have developed a Genuine interest in them and may want to take a step further to share kissing, touching, over nights, deeper conversation and sex together.

Companionship 4th, because now you have a better idea of what you are dealing with all around. You are able to make a better decision about if you want to go further, such as marriage.

We are courting for marriage

This is a serious matter because there is more than hurt feelings to be considerate of.

One of the most important factors for me is disease. No one wants AIDS, H.I.V. or any infection. People's lives are at stake. The person you're cheating with could be wacky and try to hurt your partner or anything. Who would it feel to be the cause of something like that from making a senseless act that you could have been honest about.

Why not be honest? If you are interested in someone else for whatever reason then let it be know. As much as people say that they rather not know if their partner is cheating,,,, I believe most people respect honesty. It doesn't change the fact of cheating but at least you are aware and have the choice of deciding if it's something you're OK with.

The reality is that people are going to do whatever it is thatthey want to do and there is nothing that can be done about it. Honesty is the best policy.

That's my take

A very good friend of mines told me that her man seen my guy out at the club with another woman..
I'm not sure how to handle this. I investigated and found out some facts and my friend's man swears to everything that it was my guy that he seen. He said he felt bad for me and that I needed to know.

Of course I'm disappointed and hurt because this means he was dishonest with me and if he's sleeping with someone else I would want to know so that I can decided if that's what I want.

I believe this is true because lately his behavior has been different, he's been extra nice to me as if he feels guilt for something. One time I noticed the sex was different. He has a certain pattern and the last time was very different and I was puzzled then, I asked him about it and he really didn't have much to say. Then he has been in the habit lately of not answering his phone. He blames everything on being tired and work.

We are going to meet today and talk but I'm not sure what to say since I didn't actually see him and we're not married. I think the best thing to do is to leave him alone because I would always think about this in my head. I do not want to be hurt anymore than I have been. I'm not sure what to think anymore, I thought things were going well.

What do you think?

Wow that interesting.

I have thought about the rape situation and I agree that enjoying the sex is not a bad idea, it might prevent them from killing you.
At the same time I think there is responsibility on both ends but the principle remains the same.

1ST.
No matter how a woman is dressed, it is wrong to take her values without her verbal permittion. She is not to blame for him allowing his nature to take over his logic. Yes he may have been provoked and nature is stronger than law but he still had a choice and because there was a choice he is wrong in principle. To be raped is a serious violation to a woman or man and it can damage a person for a long life time.

2ND.
It is important that the woman becomes aware of her role in the situation. It's important that she understand that it is not her fault that some man had problems controlling his nature. It is equally important that we as women become aware of our powers, especially the power of physical beauty & seduction and how we manipulate men with our clothing, shoes, body language, voice, make up and more. We must be clear that the image we project is sure to produce some results. Now I'm not saying that a modest dressed woman would not be raped, I'm saying that a modest dressed woman has a lesser chance in being raped than a woman who is exposed.

We must be clear what type of blame we are talking about. The fact that the man violated a universal principle of respect as God's creation puts him at fault. The principle is what is to be looked at and in that principle is responsibility.

That's my take on it

The Ideal man for me is a Muslim man who knows and understands his position as a man and respects, supports and understands my position as a woman. A man who's not afraid of handling things, one who is flexible in his emotions and firm in his mission. He must be conscious of his surroundings globally and financial secured. He has to have a sense of humor and a man who respects higher power than him self. A man who does's good works and deeds. Really just someone who is honest, upfront, trustworthy and pure in their intentions. A man who is qualified to lead himself and his family by demonstration and who who supports his woman. A man of integrity. There is so  much more but for know this is it.

Hmm I noticed that the man doesn't lose here. Why is that?

Yes, you're right it does work on both ends. As A woman i was curious about the male side of it

It's a true story.

Yes I agree that a man at any age is capable of gettin someone pregnant.

Yeah Jummy you're right. It does sound good and for now it's just an Idea because the truth is you can lead a camel to water but you can't make em drink it.

jummy79:

Kenya link=topic=421.msg4375#msg4375 date=1118259126:

I would prefer my children to date at when they finish their first degree. I want them to be able to focus on their education, their personal development and be able to position themselves to be a great partner and community person. You know bringing something to the table.

I like that idea! I wonder how realistic it is, though. I guess if you are lucky enough to be able to instill those ideas in your children's heads then that would be excellent. I wish I was less focused on being in a relationship and more focused on university myself and even though I was never in a relationship through all that time, I have to admit I wanted to be. It's a very annoying distraction and I think I'm on my way to getting my priorities straight!

Thanks very much for your comment, Kenya!

You're so funny Seun. My thing is what type of arrangement could he work out after she just told him she was afraid of getting pregnant?

Why do some men love women who treat them so badly?

It's as if they are addicted to hard and bad treatment:
[list][li]If they meet a woman who is flexible, understanding, yet firm and feminine, classy and sexy they don't want her and they mis-use her.[/li]
[li]But if they meet a wild woman who flirts with other men in front of them, yells and screams at him, takes his money, use him for sex and cheats on him, he's head over heels in love with her. [/li][/list]
Fellas, what's up with this?

Is it fitting for a man to work a job for the rest of his natural life? Or should he evolve to self employment at some point in his life?

Ideal Woman
This is tricky because everyone has something different in mind. What is your Ideal woman, men, and why?

She said I'm afraid of getting pregnant because you are 10yrs older than me and your semen is very mature and I have not been pregnant before. She said we are not married and your divorce is not finalized and if I get pregnant and something happens to you me and the baby will have no benefit's. What are we supposed to do live off of your love for us?

He said let me know if you want a baby and we will work out some kind of arrangement.

I don't get it. Do you?

Hey everyone I'm new here as well. My Name is Kenya, I'm a 28 year old female.

I love this site already. I love reading your posts, very educational and funny.

I like the fact that Seun is always here and active with the people. It's like everyone is family and I think that's the greatest part about this site. Every other site I have been to is not like this. I love it here in Nairaland and I hope to be as cool with everyone here and learn and share.

It's a woman's nature to want and need a certain level of security in her life that can only come from the male naturally. At a certain point in her life that urge becomes stronger if the need is un met. Now their are many factors that can contribute to a woman asking a man to marry her so soon. My first thought is security. Their's a certain type of security that only men can give by the grace of G-D.

Second: Desperation ___ because 1 month is not enough time for me to determine if a man is the stable individual that i need, want or even if I'm a good fit for him.

AND ANOTHER POINT IS, SHE MAY BE JUST TRYING TO GET RID OF YOU. Hey it works for not so serious men

But over all I would say that it's not completely a bad thing if a woman wants to marry soon. Hey guy's want sex soon so why can't we have our security and benefit's soon? why wait until we're used up to his satisfaction and then he moves on to the next hot thing. The womb is one of the most sacred aspect's of a woman and we must guard that with our lives.

I value myself and any man that I deal with will value me as well and he will have to respect my postion as I respect his.

I would pay $50 a year. Why not support our own? I'll tell you we will defiantly pay for what we want. $100 for cell phones and $50 for shoe's and purses. People with less money are the one's who actually pay their bills

I would prefer my children to date at when they finish their first degree. I want them to be able to focus on their education, their personal development and be able to position themselves to be a great partner and community person. You know bringing something to the table.

He may not have committed all of those allegations but he's guilty of some. We all have stories to tell about our life experiences but molestation is not the resolution.

Why is it that so many sisters from Africa seem to buy into this American or European way of thinking and living when they come into the U.S or other European countries?

I mean it's as if they too like a lot of African American have an identity problem of wanting to look and dress European. We have a hard time accepting our true selves.

I am starting to see allot of African American women who wrap their heads and wear African clothing and even starting to learn more about African culture's, And I am starting to see allot of African sister's with blue eye's wearing orange & blond straight hair.

It makes me mad sometimes because so many of us African American women try hard get a deeper understanding of who we are as African women in general. We have an understanding of who we are as African American's but not African's.
Deep inside we look to our African sister's as apart of our selves that we do not know. I understand that some part's of Africa was and some still are colonized by the European's, yet and still there is lot's of rich culture in Africa that's not here in America.

Being modern is cool I just think it is also just as important to represent your own identity.