₦airaland Forum

helpee:
He is telling you you are wrong. You are saying the man is trying to prove the woman is not capable that was why custody was awarded. I was saying no and that is what the guy is trying to tell you.

Collect a refund from your teachers, because you failed comprehension exercises, in school. I stand by what I said. And your response shows you did not understand what he was trying to say. This was his response to my comments:

linearity:
Yes, I wanted to support your opinions, I couldn’t find the original post as it was lost in the maize...

ariesbull:
Flavor has kids out of wedlock these kids are his but the mum aren't his wife ..they can't even go to August meeting ! They acnt even be in ndi inyom!

Good. So why are you concluding that those Yoruba people who have kids outside wedlock, call their relationship a marriage, when they are not married?

revolt:
men pay the bills for their kids. The highest a woman wd do is keep being rude to the child but the basics of life the dad wd provide ie achool shelter and food. For a woman she wd need the man to cater for the childs basics and the man wdnt do tht. Plua the mans family wdnt even accept the child if he doesnt and the child will truly be alone.

Wrong! You have not seen stepmothers maltreating their husband's children? Some would beat them mercilessly, or even starve them of food, because those kids are not their own, despite the fact that the father bought food for the child's upkeep. I know a stepmother who used the money her husband gave her to pay for his daughter's school fees to buy jewelry. Some stepmothers even turn their stepchildren into househelps. And the mental torture or emotional abuse they inflict on their stepchildren, can scar those kids for life!

foolbuster:
Ode!! A serious issue is being discussed here you are talking another trash. What has been financially independent got to do with a woman asking her husband to bring in another man's child to live with them. If you are frustrated by men because of your nonsense character just know there are still decent women out there.

What she said, was not trash. A decent woman would not abandon her child....

Jiang:
stop pushing the man to do something he ain't interested in, assuming he indicated his interest in taking care of the girl & just needs a little push, then we can provide that push, but the op is obviously not interested in raising some1 else kid

I am not pushing the man into doing anything. I am merely stating the reality on the ground. At the end of the day, it is still his call. Both the biological father and mother have a responsibility towards the child. If the birth father abandons the child, should the mother also throw her away? Simple question!

Ioannes:
That he knows his wife won't take it if he was in the same situation is balderdash. For a woman who has a child outside of wedlock to think that way doesnt ake sense to me.

Also, the woman is humble. He said so himself. Now he's trying to paint her in a character that is false just to gain sympathy.

I just hope he makes the right choice eventually.

When you say you love someone its not just mere talk. You actually want to see them happy. You take steps to make them happy. You make sacrifices. That's what love is. Not mouth.

Give me a humble woman anyday, anytime and I'll lay my world at her feet.

But most men today will start feeling like KingKong (yes I'm old) when their woman is humbled by circumstances of life.

Thank you! Your post make sense, die!

adontcare:
did u read where d girls dad rejected her and her grand mum also gave them 3 days to get d child away from her?. It is better for d op not to marry his wife again than to render a baby homeless because of an irresponsible father and a selfish grandma

Then if he does not marry his wife again and sends her packing, what happens to the 3 children that they had together? Who looks after them, when he is not around?

Lomprico2:
And if there is no grandma or grandma passes on, what next? D child should go to an orphanage or be thrown out to d street abi?

Foolish fools everywhere!

Don't mind them. They have not even considered the fact that the grandmum may be weak, infirm or may even lack the energy to take care of an active 7 year old child. In these days, when issues like high blood pressure, arthritis, diabetes etc are plaguing older people, why add to their problems?

Aquariann:
Mrs Good, hope you realize a woman like you rejected the child (as condition for marrying her biological dad) which suddenly made him return her to the mom.

And don't forget the Op stated his wife wouldn't accept the child if the reverse was the case.

The new wife of the biological father, who rejected the kid is highly stuvpid, because she knew the kid was living with the man while she was dating him. And the girl's father who allowed his new wife to reject the kid, is disgustingly pathetic, for allowing such a thing to happen. Most single dads who have custody of their kids, would NOT even marry a woman who does not get along with their children. That is why some women pretend to like the man's kids before marriage, but become wicked stepmothers to such children after they get hitched to the man, and move into his home.

As for the OP saying his wife would not accept such a thing, I think he is either lying or being economical with the truth. He did not say WHY she would not accept it. Most women who have kids outside wedlock readily accept such things, because they have been in such a situation, before. Did she say she would not accept it, because she is scared he may cheat on her during their marriage and have kids outside the home? So she wants to use that excuse as a way to prevent him from engaging in infidelity, with other women?

Ioannes:
But I find this post quite ludicrous. The sight of the child will bring to your mind the thought of how the guy was fvcking your wife!!! Like are you for real?

1. You didn't meet your wife as a virgin

2. You yourself had fvcked the hell out of some other men's future wives

And you are suddenly being sanctimonious?

Hilarious.

No, the child shouldn't be with her father. She should be with her mother.

Most women turn to witches if they have to take care of their husband's child. We all know that.

May the wisdom God deposited inside you, continue to increase! Can I get an Amen from somebody?

Donjazzy12:
Good point. Our guy here also do not know who she is. So finally, you are supporting him abi?

You are wrong. The OP knows exactly who she is - she is his wife's daughter. He has known her identity, from day 1. And if I told you that I can bring her in, in what way does that mean I am supporting him? He refused to let her into his house, remember?

Donjazzy12:
Why don't you take the daughter yourself and be training her? Why?

If I knew who she was, I would do so. My parents and grandparents trained children that were not their own, in addition to their own biological kids. So why can't I?

Donjazzy12:
Why are you not attacking the biological father who dumped her daughter? Why? How much money are you contributing to bros to aid in upkeep? How much time of yours are you going to use to be visiting and counselling the couple when problem starts as it surely will. My guy don't be a hypochrite!

Go back and read through my previous posts. You will see what I said about the biological father. Do not be a hypocrite. And stop making silly insinuations that do not hold water.

linearity:
Custody and Support are two different issues and in most States decided differently.

In New York, two different judges decide these cases and on separate dates...one does not have bearing on the other except that, the percentage of parenting factors into the support the non custodian parent will pay.

If one parent have all the money and the other parent have zero money; the one that have all the money have zero advantage in winning custody...the court believes that, they can order the redistribution all the money, which ever direction they want after determining who is the better parent and as such, the Judge deciding custody does not look into who is paying what and who is not paying.

In fact, in some cases inability to pay can be an advantage as that parent will have more time to take care of the child as in been the ‘home care taker’ and the one with all the money, will be the perfect ‘breadwinner’ who because of his/her time consuming breadwinning endeavors will not have that much time for the child compare to the ‘home care taker’.

You are saying something similar to what I have been saying. My remarks were a response to another poster who claimed that, the person paying the school fees is showing how capable he is. He kept arguing in previous posts, that custody of a 7 year old child, would be given to the father, and I disagreed with that. This is what he said :

".....So once somebody is paying school fees, the other person must not be capable. Are you for real? Showing you pay school fees only proves you are capable it doesn't mean the other person is not capable. So if the husband pays school fees it means the wife must tell the school that they should reject the school fees to prove she is capable or what. In Africa, who pays school fees even if the wife is okay...."

Donjazzy12:
His wife already have three kids of her own to parent.

So she should abandon the first child she gave birth to, on the street? Especially since the father does not want the child?

linearity:
No one is blackmailing him to accept the child against his will....more so he was the one that asked for opinions, my guess is; if this is a foregone conclusion, he will not be here asking for opinion.

As for the grandmother, it is not her responsibility to take of the child. The parents of a child owns that responsibility and obligation.

In a normal separated couples, the little girl will be shared between the mother and the father in turns...no one knows how far, she has been staying with the Dad, but it is now the mother’s turn to do the needful.

If this guy love his wife as he professes, he will accommodate his own step-daughter, who shares the same dna with his kid under his roof.

Thank you, sir! You hit the nail on the head!

Donjazzy12:
My brother don't mind the hypocrites wey full Nairaland! They are great at giving advice's which they themselves cannot keep. The innocent girl is supposed to be with her father not your wife. Children does not belong to only one person. The girl knows her real father. The hypocrites here are attacking you for standing by your own family first. The hypocrites will not contribute money for food, education and medication of the child but will be here blaming.
Don't mind the hypocrites!

"The child is supposed to be with the father?" So the mother does not have a responsibility towards the child again, especially since the father has rejected the kid? Did she not give birth to the girl?

helpee:
What is the one saying ?/Hope I am arguing with somebody I think because the moment I suspect otherwise I will run. So once somebody is paying school fees, the other person must not be capable. Are you for real? Showing you pay school fees only proves you are capable it doesn't mean the other person is not capable. So if the husband pays school fees it means the wife must tell the school that they should reject the school fees to prove she is capable or what. In Africa, who pays school fees even if the wife is okay. Please don't let me assume I am arguing with somebody that I am now assuming

Guy, try and read my posts with understanding, before you hit your keyboard. A man who is not interested in getting custody of his kid, would not bring up the issue of school fees in court, even if he has been paying such fees.

But by bringing up issue of paying school fees, and other bills associated with the child's upbringing, he is trying to show that the woman lacks the means (whether financial or material means) to take care of the child, which is why he is fighting for custody. Most men who are not interested custody, do not even bother to show up in court at every hearing, because their lawyers are there to represent their interest.

If the woman can also show proof that she has picked up other bills pertaining to the child, and she has a good well-paid job or regular income, as well as a comfortable home and supportive caregivers to assist her, she would win the custody case, even if the man fights her for the child.

helpee:
you like stories. Who told you that once the husband claims he is paying school fees it means the wife cant take care of the child? Even if custody is granted to the wife, who told you the husband will stop paying school fees? Read about child custody first then you can make a more informed discussion

Once a man goes to court, to prove he is paying school fees including other bills for taking care of the daughter, when he is fighting for custody, he is trying to show the court, that the woman lacks the means or ability to take care of the child.

If custody is granted to the wife, nobody says the man will stop paying school fees. In fact the court will compel him to pay alimony, which includes school fees and cost of upkeep, for the child. You know absolutely zero about child custody, yet you keep arguing.

helpee:
thanks. People like you just come online to talk. This is not divorce. Even in divorce, there is no such rule. It only applies if the man us not married such that he has no wife to take care of the child. A very good friend of mine just got custody of his 6yr old daughter from his former and threw a welcome party for them. Funny the other woman is not yet remarried so the husband claimed he has a more balanced home to care of her and provided proofs he had been paying school fees etc. They give to the mother if the husband is not married but no hard and fast rule. A 3rd party custody can be given to the grandmother. So don't just assume. Find out. When the child is less than 3yrs old, the tendency is the mother but not always. A 7yr old with married father.....na the father get him pikin
EDITED
The major reason why many mothers get custody in divorce cases is because the husband couldn't have been married before the divorce is completed so no way to prove he has a wife at home. In this case, they were probably not married. Just child out of wedlock. If it gets to welfare, they don't think twice before awarding custody to the father

Do you remember that I had said earlier: ".....in cases where the father fights the mother for custody, because he is richer and has more clout. He would however have to prove that the woman is an unfit mother, or she lacks the means to adequately take care of the kids."

You corroborated my statement, when you said your friend got custody of his 6-year old kid, "because the other woman is not yet remarried so the husband claimed he has a more balanced home to care of her and provided proofs he had been paying school fees." By showing the other woman had not remarried, and he was paying school fees, he had proved she lacked the means to adequately take care of the child.

Now, how many divorce proceedings in court, have you witnessed? In majority of them, an underage child will often be asked to stay with the mother, while the man pays alimony, except like I said earlier 'he fights the mother for custody.' Your friend obviously fought for custody, of their daughter.

And the reason why most men do not get custody, isn't because they are not married. In fact, most of the time, the reason for the divorce could be due to the fact, that the man has another woman or wife. Other reasons like domestic violence, neglect, absenteeism etc, also account for divorce. And most women are not given custody because they are married, but because the judge often believes that while children are young, they need their mothers most in their formative years. Psychological studies also support this fact.

In the case of the OP, the child's father does not even want the child anymore, while the mother wants the child, badly. So who do you think the judge will give the child to, if the case gets to court? A father who is not interested in the child, or a mother that is willing and able to take care of her child? And you do not know much about welfare offices. You said "A 7yr old with married father.....na the father get him pikin." Proof of Paternity is not being decided here, but the well-being of the child, and who can best take care of the kid. Most welfare officers would ask the mother to take care of the child, while the man pays cost of upkeep, for the kid.

helpee:
you don't know what you are saying so I will swerve. Go and find out and stop saying what you don't know. A 7yr old whose father is married will be given to the father unless the mother can prove that the child will not be taken care of by the father

You are wrong, and you do not want to accept the truth. If a child is young, no welfare office will give custody to the father, especially if such a father has rejected the child. The mother is often told to take care of her child, especially if the child is underage. Go and do some research. They can only ask him to pay the cost of upkeep, of the child.

helpee:
Go and find out. Since the father is now married....the welfare will ask his wife to take care of the child. In Africa, it is believed that the husband is the head of the house so he can ask his wife to take care of the child. No welfare will ask the OP to assume responsibility. They can only beg him. They can't force him but they can force the father.

Very rarely. The welfare office might ask the birth father to pay the cost of upkeep for the child, but they would usually ask the mother to take care of the child, especially if the child is underage. Even in courts during a divorce, custody is given to the mother, as long as the child is still young, while the father has to pay alimony/child support to the mother, for the upkeep of the kid. Except in cases where the father fights the mother for custody, because he is richer and has more clout. He would however have to prove that the woman is an unfit mother, or she lacks the means to adequately take care of the kids.

helpee:
My friend, learn how to properly advise people. The wife should report the case at the welfare office. They will invite both parents and resolve where the child should stay and who pay what bills. The OP has no responsibility to accept the child because the father rejected her. If he want, fine. If he doesn't want, you can't play morality card on him. It is evil

Oh, the OP has no responsibility to accept the child. And I am not playing any morality card on him. All I am saying is that, the mother has a responsibility to accept the child, and she lives under the OP's roof. After reporting at the welfare office, and they advise the child to live with the mother because she is underage, what next? Will the mother discard the child, because the OP doesn't want her in his home? The fact that the OP does not want her, does not mean the mother should abandon her own responsibility.

helpee:
when you point to me where the OP said the grandmother is old then we can continue this discussion. Otherwise this is an unnecessary distraction

It is not an unnecessary distraction. If the OP cannot take care of the girl, and the grandmother cannot do so, (for reasons he did not say), then what should the mother do? Leave her in the market, or dump her on the street? Why put the burden on the grandmother, when the biological mother is still alive and able to take care of her child?

helpee:
So both parents have the Responsibility to take care of the child NOT THE GRANDMOTHER. You are correct. Just that if the grandmother has no morality to take care of the child, the Op too has no morality since he is not the father. You so easily absolved the grandmother saying it is not her responsibility so why should it be the responsibility of the OP to father another mans child. You talked about a judge raised by a stepfather. You only forgot that millions of others were raised by their grandmother too. So if the grandmother could reject without blinking, the stepfather shouldn't feel guilty if he doesn't want her too. My point is this.... it is not compulsory the OP must accept another mans child to his home and you shouldn't make him feel guilty. The house belong to both the husband and the wife...but the child doesn't belong to the two of them so the wife should not selfishly force what is not his on him unless he want it. The idea of using morality to force to take over a lifetime responsibility of taking care of another man child is evil.

The grandmother might be old, weak and infirm. So you think they should put the burden on her? Isn't that rather illogical? Did she give birth directly to the child?

Millions were raised by their grandmothers, because such grandmothers were in good health or strong enough, to do so. Yes, the OP does not have a responsibility to father another man's child, but the mother of that child lives inside his house, as his wife. So what should the mother do? Abandon the child, too? If the wife cannot bring her child into that house, where should she keep the girl? On the street?

muzeze77:
I was that child . Nowadays my step father is my father and I say fck u to my biological father because he was never there for me, not seen him since I was 2 , help that child . Don't see her as another man's child . See her as your wife child. Your wife is a good woman. Not every woman would fight for her child

God bless you. May you live long!

helpee:
You guys are blackmailing the guy into accepting what he doesn't want. The issue is, I CAN NEVER FEEL GUILTY REJECTING A CHILD WHOSE FATHER IS ALIVE AND WHOSE GRANDMOTHER IS REJECTING. Why is the mother of the wife rejecting her? Somebody said because the mother is Alive. So is the father dead? He can accept if he is comfortable with it. If he is not, he shouldn't feel guilty. Why cant the new wife of the father accept her too? Op, you better don't care what all these nairalander moralist say. Real life is different. You know a retired judge raised by step father. Millions exist like that. Likewise millions of stepfather are hated by their step children regardless of the sacrifice the stepfather made. I know so many too. So it is not a yardstick. Reject the child if you don't want and never feel guilty (the father, the wife of the father, the mother of the mother all rejected her and they are not feeling guilty because it is not convenient for them) Accept her if you want....but never because all these moralist are blackmailing you into it

Nobody is blackmailing the step-father into doing anything. People are just giving their suggestions and trying to give the man reasons, to help him make up his mind, on what to do. Check my comments on this thread. I never blackmailed him into anything. He is a grown man, who can consider all options before him, and take a decision.

Both the father and the mother, brought the child into this world. They both have a responsibility to take care of the little girl, not the grandmother. If the father is alive, but has rejected the girl, should the mother also reject her? The answer you give, will determine if you support doing good even when it is hard, or if you would just ignore an opportunity to do good, simply because you want to take the easy way out.

Nobody knows the age of the grandmother. She might be weak, elderly and in poor health, which means she might lack the energy or stability, to take care of an energetic, young child. If any step-child hates the stepfather, it simply means such a stepfather treated that child, badly. Same thing goes for step-mothers, too. No child will hate anyone who takes care of her, shows her love, compassion and care, and also trains her to a level where she can achieve the best education, available. So free your mind!

The mother is not rejecting her. In fact she wants to accept the child, but her new husband does not want her to bring the child, into their home. So what should she do?

whitedove:
@ Nairalandfayose,please take in the little girl why? I have been in that kind of situation myself, when I married my wife(God rest her soul) I accepted her 4 year old then, I couldn't have done otherwise cos am a good man.
some years later, unfortunately, I lost my wife during labour,we had a boy together she was to have the second for me when she died with the baby.
My step daughter biological father came all the way from UK and expressed his gratitude on how I took care of his daughter and asked if I like my son to go with his sister,my step daughter and that's how my son became British .

So what am I saying,be good MAN, take the part of Honor, accept the girl;

If not for privacy sake,I would have uploaded the children pictures here.

I salute your courage, compassion and loyalty. God bless you real good. I pray you find love and happiness again. Accept my condolences on the passing away of your wife.

UBGG:
The father said no. The grandmother, same response. I cannot help but think something is off with the child.

I most certainly cannot bring a child I don't know her/his behaviour, energy, emotional state or the environment he/she was raised to mingle with my kids.

Let the heaven fall. Let folks cry tears of blood. No way!!!

Have you seen the child? Or do you know her personally? So how can you say that something is "off" with the child?

The only people who have something "off" with them, because they are behaving like idi*ots in this matter, are the following:
1). The girl's biological dad (for rejecting her after she has lived with him for 7 years, not 7 months, o!),
2). The girl's biological mum (who got married to a self-centred ignoramus, without asking if he could accept her child, before their wedding),
3). The new wife of the girl's birth father (who is another selfish moro'n that does not want her new husband's child under her roof, even though she knew his daughter was living with him, before he got married to her).

Any man worth his salt, would not allow his new wife reject his child after marriage, especially if he has been upfront about the child's existence. Many men get married again after a divorce, not just because they want companionship, but also because they want a mother for their kids. It is far easier for a man to get a new wife to accept his kids, than for a woman to get a new husband to accept her own kids.

Despite that, I have seen several families where the man accepted his wife's kids, even though her -ex was still alive. For a man who has a kind, generous, compassionate heart, it is no big deal.

Jiang:
The little girl has a biological father!!!! who's still alive & well

And so bloody what? If the birth father rejects her, should the woman who brought her into this world, also reject her? Isn't it both parents that have a duty towards the child?

derrydinny:
don't accept the child my brother, if she grows up eventually, she will still remember her father no matter the adoption or whatever

tell your wife to choose between you and the child

but you get mind o, why you go marry after one when you never born?

And so? If she remembers her own father, does that mean she will ignore or forget all that her step-father has done for her, throughout her life? I know a girl, who refused to let her own biological father come to her wedding, but insisted that her step-father must give her away in the church, and also sit on the high table, because according to her, her step-father is the only dad, she has ever known. Her birth father, is like a stranger to her...she is totally indifferent to him, even though she knows who he is.

Advising the OP to choose between her daughter, and him is totally wrong! She may choose him, but will she ever be able to forget her daughter?

UBGG:
If your wife's mother cannot accommodate her own grandchild sans any modicum of guilt about it, don't let anyone emotionally blackmail you into doing it.

I too cannot be responsible for another woman's baby. I am one of those who could help financially so long as it's far away from my home. I am unashamed of my stand and so should you.

If you let the opinions of the emotional folks here compel you to do it, I assure you you'll emotionally, mentally and even physically abuse that child.

Again, there's no shame in your decision. Some of us just cannot care for certain reminders in the form of babies.

You cannot care for another woman's baby, but you can marry the person who gave birth to that baby, despite knowing about the existence of the child he/she had outside wedlock. Can you see how you are contradicting yourself?

femichill:
It's so funny how people talk. It's easier to give advice when you are not in that position. The child father denied his own child. The child grandma denied the same child. So, because he is the child stepfather, it is now his crime to take the child without us knowing his financial condition. I feel for u bro. However, make a decision you will stand by.

babyfaceafrica:
no point...people condemning OP should condemn the father...OP has plans and that child is not part of his initial plan because he was with her father who has now rejected her....Op has to make a new life plan to include the daughter...people castigating him and not the gals father are very unfair...

Afamed:
But no one so far has blamed the man that abandoned his sole responsibility. What manner of man is the one that wants another man to raise his daughter up for him?

The girl's birth father was NOT the one that brought the matter to NL. And castigating the girl's father does not solve the step-father's dilemma. In fact, it just shifts the focus of the discussion to an area, that distracts people from the main problem. Some men can take in their brother's kids, or extended relatives to live with them, but will reject their wives' kid. It doesn't make sense.

The OP's post reeks of selfishness. He knew she had a kid out of wedlock, before he even married her. So why is he forming arrogance and irritation now, at the thought of the girl? If he is not financially buoyant, then let him ask the wife to bear all the girl's expenses, while she is living under his roof. At least the girl would be with her mum. If the birth father abandons the girl, should the biological mother ignore her existence, too? I know a retired high court judge that was brought up by his step-father. That step-father educated him and took care of him, like his own son. Nobody knew for many years, that the guy was not his biological son. Before the step-father died, that judge built a mansion for him in the village & took care of his medical bills. I know the family very well, and it is not hear say.