₦airaland Forum

Teacher: Akpors, what
is a Period?
Akpors: I don't know
the meaning Sir. But I
am very sure it is very
dangerous.
Teacher: Why
Akpors?
Akpors: because when my
sister said that she
didn’t see her period
for 5months, my mum
fainted,
my dad got a heart
attack and our driver
ran away…. So I don’t
think Period is a good
thing

Son: Dad, what do I
give my
girlfriend as a
Christmas gift?
Akpos: How does she
look?
Son: She looks sweet,
pretty, fun to be with,
and even tall and also
fair in completion.
Akpos: Give her my
number.

All his family members
are dumb/ That’s why
he mad with his
sister. . .and upset with
his mum/
cos they sucked me
together. . . .to truly
see if. . . two heads are
better than one!!/

U switch on the tv, mandela! Switch on radio, mandela! Log on to facebook, mandela! Twitter, mandela!. . . . Am even afraid to open my fridge. #smh

If "ONLY" Nelson
Mandela was a
Nigerian??
I am beginning to think
South African's are not
so creative? Had
Madela been
Nigerian....hmm mmm;
1. The corpse will stay
in the morgue for 5yrs
to enable government
prepare for "befitting"
burial.
2. Government will set
up burial planning
committee with power
to award contracts to
construct new roads
leading to Mandela's
home town,
construction of new
airport, importation of
bullet proof hearse
that will carry the
corpse, construction of
new stadium for burial
reception, new
presidential jet, etc.,
3. The national
Assembly will pass
new budget to
accommodate burial
expenses.
4. There will be a
national aso ebi
(uniform) imported
from Holland, which
will be made
compulsory for every
Nigerian to buy, sew
and wear.
5. During the 5 years of
mourning, Governors,
traditional rulers,
students bodies will
struggle to book for
appointments to visit
and pay condolence to
Mr President.
6. New slangs will
emerge, for instance
yoruba greetings will
start, e ku Madiba o,
eku iku Mandela!
7. Our networks will
produce new caller
tunes...."to hear
Madela's last breath,
press 1, to hear the
last word he spoke,
press 2,", etc.
8. New products will
emerge, egg...Madiba
zobo drink, Madiba pure
water, Madiba magic
soap/cream.
9. Our musicians
ahh!!! 5 albums daily in
praise of the icon!
10. New born babies
will be named after
him.
11. Pastors will start
seeing vision of how
Mandela met them and
sent a message to the
world through them!!!
ALL IN A WAY TO
EXTORT MONEY, MAKE
NAME AND BE
RELEVANT!!!!!

An Arab Man stops a
taxi, entered it and
said
"Please turn off the
radio for in the time of
the
prophet, there was no
radio and my religion
decreed that I should
not listen to it
especially the
western music.This is
because they sing of
their
infidelity and all."
Akpors the Taxi Driver turned
off the radio, came
down
and opened the door
for the man and said,
"In the time of the
prophets, there was
no car. So
please come down and
wait for a camel."

A young girl about to
go on a 1st date with
her boyfriend was been
tutored by her
grandma.
"He will try to kiss you,
allow him. He will try to
cuddle you, allow him.
He will try to lay you
down and get on top of
you, don't allow him".
The girl asked;
Grandma why?.
The Grandma said;
Because if you do that,
you have allowed him
to disgrace you and
your family.
The Girl said "okay" and
left.
Several hours later she
returned and the
grandma asked; How
did it go?.
The Girl said; Exactly as
you said except when
he laid me down and
tried to disgrace our
family, I turned him
over, got on top of him
and disgraced his
family.

A Young Man Akpos
was lost wandering in
a forest, when he
came upon a small
house.
He knocked on the door
and was greeted
by an ancient Chinese
man with a long,
grey beard.
"I'm lost," said Akpos.
"Can you put me up
for the night?"
"Certainly," the Chinese
man said, "but on
one condition. If you so
much as lay a
finger on my daughter,
I will inflict upon
you the 3 worst
Chinese tortures
known to
man."
"Ok," said Akpos,
thinking that the
daughter must be
pretty old as well, and
entered the house.
Before dinner, the
daughter came down
the stairs. She was
young, beautiful, and
had a fantastic figure.
She was obviously
attracted to Akpos
since
she couldn't keep her
eyes off him during
the meal.
Remembering the old
man's warning, he
ignored her and went
up to bed alone.
But during the night, he
could bear it no
longer, and sneaked
into her room for a
night of passion.
He was careful to keep
everything quiet so
the old man wouldn't
hear.
Near dawn he crept
back to his room,
exhausted, but happy.
He woke up in the
morning with the feel
of
pressure on his chest.
Opening his eyes he
saw a large rock on
his chest with a note
on
it that read, "Chinese
Torture 1: Large rock
on chest."
"Well, that's pretty
crappy," he thought. "If
that's the best the old
man can do then I
don't have much to
worry about."
He picked the rock up,
walked over to the
window and threw the
rock out.
As he did so he noticed
another note on it
that read:
"Chinese Torture 2:
Rock tied to left
testicle."
In a panic he glanced
down and saw the
rope that was already
getting close to the
end.
Figuring that a few
broken bones was
better than castration,
he jumped out of
the window after the
rock.
As he plummeted
downward he saw a
large sign on the
ground that read,
"Chinese Torture 3:
Right testicle tied to
bedpost."

Akpos had only 400
Naira in his pocket.
He went to the most
expensive hotel in
town and made an
order of the most
expensive meal they
had available with the
most expensive wine
included.
After the meals, the
drinks and champagne,
Akpos bill was N45,000.
He told the waiter he
had no money.
The hotel manager
was called.
They handed Akpos to
the police.
On the way to the
station Akpos gave
200 Naira to the Police
and he was set free.
This is what we call;
Financial management.

A Man Akpos walked
into a hotel and ordered
Jollof rice and meat.
He finished eating his
food and
was eating his meat
when he suddenly
shouted and called for
the manager.
Manager: Sir, what's
the problem?.
Akpos: The meat you
people gave me is very
hard.
Manager: But sir our
meats are well cooked.
There is no way it will
be hard.
Akpos: Okay. Eat it
yourself and tell me
how it is.
Manager: [Eating the
meat] But sir this meat
is very soft. I don't
know why you are
complaining.
Akpos: Why won't it be
soft? Do you know
how long I have been
chewing it?.

Akpos is a varsity
student. The Lecturer
ordered him to write an
apology letter showing
why he didn’t submit an
assignment.
Dear Lecturer,
I’m sorry I could not do
the homework on time
because I was tired
after watching
television.
Thank you..
The Lecturer warns him
to write a formal letter
with formal English or
reflective of a varsity
student lest
he be punished.
This is what Akpos
wrote…
Dear knowledge conduit,
My sovereign persona is
thoroughly apologetic
for my sordid academic
behavioural inactivity or
academic hibernation as
regards the assignment.
Unfortunately, our
smart Samsung HDTV
was visually
competitive in relation
to the assignment,
prompting me to fall
prey to its seduction to
the detriment of the
assignment.
Ultimately, my
exhaustion directed my
nocturnally loyal body to
my bed thereby
rendering me half dead
albeit still breathing in
the process.
Best Regards.
Akpos
What do you think of
him?
Good

Akpors first time
with a condom. . . Akpors was
16 or so, he went in to
buy a packet of
condom at the
pharmacy. There was
this beautiful woman
assistant behind the
counter, and she could
see that he was new at
it. She handed akpors the
package and asked if he
knew how to wear one.
Akpors honestly answered,
'No, this is my first
time.' So she unwrapped
the package, took one
out and slipped it over
her thumb. She
cautioned him to make
sure it was on tight and
secure. Akpors apparently still
looked confused. So she
looked all around the
store to see if it was
empty. It was empty.
'Just a minute,' she said,
and walked to the door,
and locked it. Taking him by the hand, she led him into
the back room,
unbuttoned her blouse
and removed it. She
unhooked her bra and
laid it aside. 'Do these
excite you?' She asked.
Well, akpors was so dumb-
struck that all he could do
was nod his head. She
then said it was time to slip the condom on. As he was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk.
'Well, come on', she said,
'We don't have much
time.' So akpors climbed on her. It was so
wonderful,that
unfortunately, he could no longer hold back and
KAPOW, he was done
within a few minutes.
She looked at him with a bit of a frown. 'Did you put that condom on?' she asked. Akpors said, 'I sure did,' and held up his thumb to show her.