₦airaland Forum

boat Owner


There were two twins, Joe and John. Joe was the owner of a old dilapidated boat. It just so happened that John's wife died the same day Joe's boat sank. A few days later a kindly old woman saw Joe, and mistaking him for John. Said "I'm sorry to hear about your loss. You must feel terrible"

Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat, said "Fact is, I'm sort of glad to get rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like an old dead fish. She was always losing her water, she had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front, too. Every time I used her the hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess what finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time for the weekend. I warned them that she wasn't very good, but they wanted to use her anyhow and were willing to pay. The fools all tried to get in her at the same time and split her right down the middle."

The old woman fainted.

Final countdown


A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. Afterward, the doctor comes out with the results.

"I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left."

"Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "Give it to me straight, Doc. How long have I got?"

"Ten," the doctor says sadly.

"Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?"

"Nine, "

Dem kiss.

Nor be me send u. I just suggest.

Ure an illiterate.

Shey u don carry ur helmet and bullet proof?

Let'em use our garage honnie.

Hi honnie

Damn!

. . . It saves d day.

Of c0s we can.
Just u+me can create enuf heat energy to make the world spin bak in tym. Wat do ya say?

Ure an illiterate.

Kaina kul.

. . . And datts not a crime.

Lol

U don fu<k up.

Down memory lane


Two old pensioners are taking a trip down memory lane by going back to the place where they first met.

Sitting at a café, the little old man says, "Remember the first time I met you over 50 years ago? We left this cafe, went round the corner behind the gas works, and I gave you one from behind."

"Why, yes, I remember it well, dear," replies the little old lady with a grin.

"Well, for old time's sake, let's go there again. and I'll give you one from behind."

The two pensioners pay their bill and leave the cafe. A young man sitting next to them has overheard the conversation and smiles to himself, thinking it would be quite amusing to see two old pensioners at it. He gets up and follows them. Sure enough, he sees the two pensioners near the gas works. The little old lady pulls off her knickers and lifts up her dress.

The old man pulls down his pants and grabs the lady's hips, and the little old lady reaches for the fence. Well, what follows is 40 minutes of the most athletic sex the man has ever seen. The little old man is banging away at the little old woman at a pace that can only be described as phenomenal. Limbs are flying everywhere, the movement is a blur, and they do not stop for a single second. Finally, they collapse and don't move for an hour.

Well, the man is stunned. Never in his life has he ever seen anything that equates to this -- not in the movies, not from his friends, not from his own experiences.

Reflecting on what he has just seen, he says to himself, "I have to know his secret. If only I could shag like that now, let alone in 50 years' time!"

The two old pensioners have by this time recovered and dressed themselves. Plucking up courage, the man approaches the pensioner.

He says, "Sir, in all my life I have never seen anybody shag like that, particularly at your age. What's your secret? Could you shag like that 50 years ago?"

The pensioner replies, "Son, 50 years ago, that fucking fence wasn't el

Little Johnny in tears  


Little Johnny came downstairs bellowing lustily. His mother asked, "What's the matter now?"

"Dad was hanging pictures, and just hit his thumb with a hammer," said Johnny through his tears.

"That's not so serious," soothed his mother. "I know you're upset, but a big boy like you shouldn't cry at something like that. Why didn't you just laugh?"

"I did!" sobbed Johnny.

Little Johnny in tears


Little Johnny came downstairs bellowing lustily. His mother asked, "What's the matter now?"

"Dad was hanging pictures, and just hit his thumb with a hammer," said Johnny through his tears.

"That's not so serious," soothed his mother. "I know you're upset, but a big boy like you shouldn't cry at something like that. Why didn't you just laugh?"

"I did!" sobbed Johnny.

Pregnant woman and her husband


Since the wife is eight months into her pregnancy, the husband has to sleep on the floor to avoid any regrettable mistake, which might happen pretty easily, for he has been desperate for quite a while now.

Just before lying down on the bed, she glances at him and see the poor guy curls up on the floor, eyes stare widely into the emply air, filled with hopeless desire,

Feeling sorry for her husband, she opens the top drawer of the cabinet, takes out 500 bucks, and gives it to him.

"Here, take this and go to the woman next door, she will let you sleep with her tonight, and remember that this happens only once, ok?, don't think about it again" she said.

The husband rolls his eyes in disbelief, but affraid that she may change her mind, grabs the money and leaves quickly.

A few minutes later, he returns, and hands the money back to his wife and says with much disappointment: She said this is not enough. She wants one thousand,

The wife's face slowly turns red with anger. "Damn that bitch, when she was pregnant and her husband came over here, I charged him only five hundred, "

A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman
shopping on Rodeo Drive and said,
"I haven't eaten anything in four days."
She looked at him and said,
"God, I wish I had your willpower."

MURPHY'S LAWS ON WORK

A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants.

Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.

Never ask two questions in a business letter. The reply will discuss the one you are least interested in, and say nothing about the other.

When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.

If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.

Mother said there would be days like this, but she never said there would be so many.

Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back. This is what I'm doing wrong.

Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."

Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.

To err is human, to forgive is not company policy.

Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing.

Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.

The last person that quit or was fired will be the one held responsible for everything that goes wrong - until the next person quits or is fired.

There is never enough time to do it right the first time, but there is always enough time to do it over.

The more pretentious a corporate name, the smaller the organization. (For instance, The Murphy Center for Codification of Human and Organizational Law, contrasted to IBM, GM, AT&T , ).

If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.

You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.

People are always available for work in the past tense.

If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.

When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

You will always get the greatest recognition for the job you least like.

No one gets sick on Wednesdays.

When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"

The longer the title, the less important the job.

Machines that have broken down will work perfectly when the repairman arrives.

An "acceptable" level of employment means that the government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job.

Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it makes it worse.

All vacations and holidays create problems, except for one's own.

Success is just a matter of luck, just ask any failure.

Bill Clinton is in an elementary class and is
trying to teach the students what a tragedy is.

He asks if anyone knows. One kid stands up and
says, "I know. If I was in the street and got hit
by a car, that would be a tragedy."

Clinton says, "No son, that would be an
accident."

Another kid stands up and says, "I know. If we all
were on a field trip and the bus went flying over
a cliff, that would be a tragedy."

Again, Clinton says, "No son, that would be a
great loss."

The children are silent and then one kid stands
and says, "If you and Mrs. Clinton were on Air
Force One and it just all of a sudden blew up and
you both died, that would be a tragedy."

Clinton thinks and then asks, "Now why would you
think that is a tragedy?"

The kid replies, "Well, because it definately
wouldn't be an ACcident. and it sure as hell
wouldn't be a Great Loss!!!"

A man entered a tattoo parlor on the lower west
side and wanted to get a tattoo.

'What can I do for you?' asked the tattoo artist.

'Well,' the man replied, 'I want a $100 dollar
bill tattooed on my donger.'

'I've never that request before. Do you mind if I
ask why?'

'Well, I really like watch my money grow. I also
love to play with my money and, I'll tell you, My
wife can blow a hundred dollar's better than
anyone I've known!'

A drunk walks into a bar, sits down and demands a
drink. "Get out" says the bartender. "I don't
serve drunks here".

The drunk staggers out the front door, only to
come back in through the side door. He sits at the
bar, bangs his fist and demands a drink. "I just
told you to get out, didn't I? Now LEAVE!".
The drunk gets off his stool, stumbles out the
side door and, comes back inside through the back
door.

Once again, he sits at the bar and loudly asks for
a drink. The bartender, now glowing mad, looks at
the drunk and yells "I told you, no drunks
allowed, now get out!!!". The drunk looks up at
the bartender and slurs "How many fuckin' bars
do you work at, anyway?"

The Dictionary: what engineers say and what they mean by it


Major Technological Breakthrough

Back to the drawing board.

Developed after years of intensive research

It was discovered by accident.

The designs are well within allowable limits

We just made it, stretching a point or two.

Test results were extremely gratifying

It works, and are we surprised!

Customer satisfaction is believed assured

We are so far behind schedule that the customer was happy to get anything at all.

Close project coordination

We should have asked someone else; or, let's spread the responsibility for this.

Project slightly behind original schedule due to unforeseen difficulties

We are working on something else.

The design will be finalized in the next reporting period

We haven't started this job yet, but we've got to say something.

A number of different approaches are being tried

We don't know where we're going, but we're moving.

Extensive effort is being applied on a fresh approach to the problem

We just hired three new guys; we'll let them kick it around for a while.

Preliminary operational tests are inconclusive

The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.

The entire concept will have to be abandoned

The only guy who understood the thing quit.

Modifications are underway to correct certain minor difficulties

We threw the whole thing out and are starting from scratch.

Essentially complete.

Half done.

We predict,

We hope to God!

Drawing release is lagging.

Not a single drawing exists.

Risk is high, but acceptable.

100 to 1 odds, or with 10 times the budget and 10 times the manpower, we may
have a 50/50 chance.

Serious, but not insurmountables, problems.

It will take a miracle. God should be the program manager.

Not well defined.

Nobody has thought about it.

Requires further analysis and management attention.

Totally out of control.

The project is designed for high availability.

Malfunctions will be blamed on the operators mistakes.

This project has low maintenance requirements.

We wouldn't let the technicians change a light bulb, much less fool around with our baby.

The software is being developed without excessive process overhead.

The documentation will be written in clear and lucid Chinese.

The delivery is scheduled for the last quater of next year.

This leaves us plenty of time to decide who to blame for it being late

A Scotsman and an Englishman lived next door to
each other. The Scotsman owned a hen and each
morning would look in his garden and pick up one
of his hen's eggs for breakfast. One day he
looked into his garden and saw that the hen had
laid an egg in the Englishman's garden.

He was about to go next door when he saw the
Englishman pick up the egg. The Scotsman ran up
to the Englishman and told him that the egg
belonged to him because he owned the hen. The
Englishman disagreed because the egg was laid
on his property.

They argued for a while until finally the
Scotsman said, 'In my family we normaly solve
disputes by the following actions: I kick you in
the groin and time how long it takes you to get
back up, then you kick me in the groin and time
how long it takes for me to get up. Whoever gets
up quicker wins the egg.'

The Englishman agreed to this and so the Scotsman
found his heaviest pair of boots and put them on,
he took a few steps back, then ran toward the
Englishman and kicked as hard as he could in the
balls.

The Englishman fell to the floor clutching his
nuts howling in agony for 30 minutes. Eventually
the Englishman stood up and said, 'Now it's my
turn to kick you.'

The Scotsman said, 'Keep the damn egg.'

Three men: a project manager, a software engineer, and a hardware engineer are helping out on a project. About midweek they decide to walk up and down the beach during their lunch hour. Halfway up the beach, they stumbled upon a lamp. As they rub the lamp a genie appears and says "Normally I would grant you three wishes, but since there are three of you, I will grant you each one wish."
The hardware engineer went first. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living in a huge house in St. Thomas with no money worries." The genie granted him his wish and sent him on off to St. Thomas.

The software engineer went next. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living on a huge yacht cruising the Mediterranean with no money worries." The genie granted him his wish and sent him off to the Mediterranean.

Last, but not least, it was the project manager's turn. "And what would your wish be?" asked the genie.

"I want them both back after lunch" replied the project manager.

A guy walks into a bar and says to bartender give
four shots of your best scotch right now. The
bartender pours them up and sets them in front of
the man. The man slams back all four of them one
right after the other.

Bartender says "man you must be in a hurry"

The man says "you would be to if you had only
twenty-five cents."

There was a man who really took care of his body.
He lifted weights and jogged six miles every day.
One morning he looked into the mirror admiring
his body and noticed that he was sun-tanned all
over, with the exception of his penis. So he
decided to do something about that. He went to
the beach, completely undressed himself, and
buried himself in the sand, except for his penis,
which he left sticking out of the sand.

A bit later, two little old ladies came strolling
along the beach, one using a cane to help her get
along. Upon seeing the thing sticking out of the
sand, the lady with the cane began to move the
penis around with her cane.

Remarking to the other little old lady, she said,
"There really is no justice in the world." The
other little old lady asked, "What do you mean by
that?"

The first little old lady replied, "Look at
that."

When I was 20, I was curious about it. When I was
30, I enjoyed it. When I was 40, I asked for it.
When I was 50, I paid for it. When I was 60, I
prayed for it. When I was 70, I forgot about it.
Now that I'm 80, the damned things are growing
wild, and I'm too old to squat."

overdose

little johnny's mum and her and her husband's sex
life wasn't doing that great. So she went to the
doctor and the doctor gave her a bottle of pills
and ordered her to put one pill into her husbands
coffee every morning. So the first morning she
does as the doctor said and that night the sex
was great, so the next day she decides to put two
pills in and instantly the husband is Hot.
Finally, on the thrid day she puts the whole
bottle in and it's CRAZY, all day they just had
sex. A couple of days later the doctor called to
see how everything was going and johnny
answered the phone. The doctor asked, "How's your
daddy been?" johnny answered, "Well, let's put
it this way, my mom's dead, my sister's
preganent, my ass hurts, and my dad's on the
front porch saying Here Kitty Kitty Kitty"!!!

A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its
mind which way it wants to go.