₦airaland Forum

gift01:
Good News if no soul was lost. Hope the bus had insurance sha

I Laugh in pidgin Ibo........You have a great sense of humour

chelseabmw:

My girlfriend was around then... and I can't go lodge in a hotel cos we don't want the chic's guy to catch us

Oga Chelsea..........playing since 1800

chelseabmw:
100% correct.... this has happened to me several times.....

Aha, what happened to the good 'ol bed?.....spoilt?

Kefetjey:
I wonder

The post sounds fake anyway, but lets humour him and assume its real

Kefetjey:
Have ever heard about condoms?

Apparently not.

@Op when you were banging her without condoms, what were you expecting ?-ipad, macbook air or what?

GboyegaD:
Carries mat and sips kunu waiting to read responses.

Joins them with his moet and yahuza suya with masara..................

luvlyoracle:
This is really strong.

Eleyi Gidi gan

Quite a revealing piece.....Who would have imagined Abacha in the kitchen washing dishes?

The dark glassed General.

Just because he is dead many Nigerians now castigate him.When he was alive, I remember the likes of Chief Authur Nzeribe, Ndubuisi Kanu and many other politicians all clamouring for his return as a civilian president. I just wondered if there would be a transformation if he removed the khaki and replaced it with agbada.

I recall vaguely as a kid the day he died, remember the celebration that followed. I have never seen where someone's death was celebrated that much before.

I remember the rumours making the rounds then that Ibrahim and his fellow ill-fated co passengers were coming to Kano to buy suya, using a A CHOPPER BELONGING TO THE PRESIDENTIAL FLEET?

I remember one of the buses filled with youths that crashed and many people died. They were coming back from the launch of Youths ernestly ask for Abacha......Speaking of Kharma.......


Life....................

densel:
You are a comdian. Cant stop laughing. Mine is at 27. Mazda 626 . Rocked it for 4 yearz. Rented a flat in my mechanic workshop in the 4th year of use. Mechanics, electricians, panel beaters all became more of brothers than service men. Finally sold it for 120k last year

You are not less of a comedian yourself

I have always held that the Nigerian god is far too kind. Kind to our political leaders in spite of their wickedness, kind to our religious leaders in spite of their hypocrisy, kind to our traditional leaders in spite of their complicity in all the mess we find ourselves in. And kind to foreigners. I mean, you can be a technician from the roughest, poorest parts of the London Borough of Tower Hamlets and suddenly become a foreign engineer with servants, a huge salary and a secure mansion in the best parts of Abuja. We are in awe of expatriates.


I’ll share a little story: A Nigerian family friend who is a senior engineer with a big foreign construction company went to the mansion of an influential Nigerian politician together with his young white junior assistant to carry out some repairs. As they entered the house, a daughter of the politician gave the white man a seat and ignored his black superior. The white man of course kindly explained that he was not in charge, but his boss who had been totally snubbed. Don’t ask me how the story ended. The moral of the story is that we love you more than we love ourselves. Nigeria is expatriate heaven.


You have left hardship, harsh winters and a horrible economic recession in your nice developed country and are now an economic refugee in Nigeria. Of course, we don’t know this- you are the expat who will save us from ruin and teach us how things ought to be done. You have gotten a job with an organization or company that has applied for expatriate quota for you and secured a nice house with a generator, car and a driver. You have said goodbye to your family and your depressed, alcoholic friends and moved to Nigeria. Maybe you have even come with Hector, your cat. God will bless you for choosing our country. I mean you could have ended up in dingy Togo but you came here. This is how you must conduct yourself while living in Nigeria.


As soon as you arrive get in contact with other expatriates. There are online groups like Abuja Expats and you will quickly find whatever it is you need, from stores that sell foreign food to people selling off their furniture and books.


You are here to work and live large, not contaminate yourself with the locals. You can enjoy this country while pretending to live in your own country. Identify hangout spots that are ‘expat joints’. Your expat friends will tell what joints are suitable for expats- joints with food so expensive it scares the locals away. If there are any locals you can be sure they are in the safe upper classes. You don’t want to go get lost in a crowd of locals and catch some deadly disease like malaria or dengue fever or god forbid, ebola. Do nice expat things like jogging with fellow foreigners through the nice safe streets of Abuja and a nice picnic after. Of course there will be the odd local, but that is ok. One or two black persons in awe of you makes it nice and colorful.


When you are able to muster the courage to go to a non-expat joint, come in groups and dance with each other in a corner. The important thing is, you have done something revolutionary: risked kidnapping and disease by going to a local joint. Have a local guide- a nice junior local staff from the office who understands the pecking order. Drink as much as you can and party as often as you can. Where else in this messed-up global economy can you enjoy this much luxury?


Do not learn a local language. What’s the point?


Complain about everything in the country. Complain about how you can never find the kind of food that your cat, Hector, enjoys. Complain about how nobody cares about animals. Talk about how rude the locals are and how sloppy everyone is. Complain about how bad the driving is and how loud (except if you are American) everyone is. Complain about how nothing works in this country, about how everyone is trying to rip you off, about the heat. Because, in your cold, civilized, recession-hit country, everything works.


Have a nice upper-class local couple who can agree with you when you talk about how horrible things are. Invite them for dinner occasionally. This proves you are cool with the locals and are not racist.


Avoid the local food. Something terrible will happen to you if you eat the local food that is so low in nutrition and high in cholesterol and bacteria. Hire a cook who knows how to make food from your country.


Expect the locals to respect your culture even though you are in their country. It is ok to dress inappropriately, after all in your country, you are a free to wear whatever you like, or nothing at all.


I hope that you enjoy Nigeria and slowly get used to the heat and the reports of explosions and violence. Not to worry, you are safe. When we kill each other we usually leave out the foreigners. And the guys who used to kidnap foreigners are busy with more official duties. Stay well and God bless your foreign hustle.

http://elnathanjohn..com/feeds/posts/default?orderby=updated

The Nigerian god is one. It may have many different manifestations, but it is essentially different sides of the same coin. Sometimes, adherents of the different sides may fight and kill each other. But Nigerians essentially follow the Nigerian god.




This article is for all those who want to become better worshipers. If you are a new or prospective convert, God will bless you for choosing the Nigerian god. This is just how you must worship him.




First, you must understand that being a worshiper has nothing to do with character, good works or righteousness. So the fact that you choose to open every meeting with multiple prayers does not mean that you intend to do what is right. The opening prayer is important. Nothing can work without it. If you are gathered to discuss how to inflate contracts, begin with an opening prayer or two. If you are gathered to discuss how to rig elections, begin with a prayer. The Nigerian god appreciates communication.




When you sneak away from your wife to call your girlfriend in the bathroom, and she asks if you will come this weekend, you must say—in addition to “Yes”—“By God’s grace” or “God willing”. It doesn’t matter the language you use. Just add it. The Nigerian god likes to be consulted before you do anything, including a trip to Obudu to see your lover.




When worshipping the Nigerian god, be loud. No, the Nigerian god is not hard of hearing. It is just that he appreciates your loud fervour, like he appreciates loud raucous music. The Nigerian god doesn’t care if you have neighbours and neither should you. When you are worshipping in your house, make sure the neighbours can’t sleep. Use loud speakers even if you are only two in the building. Anyone who complains must be evil. God will judge such a person.




This is how the Nigerian god judges people who are your enemies- evil people who want to spoil your hustle; like your colleagues who don’t want your promotion; like your single old aunties who secretly don’t want you to marry that rich handsome man (who you haven’t met yet); like all your neighbours who are stopping you from getting pregnant: He violently consumes them by fire. He returns all their evil plans back to sender. So when making requests about all your enemies, do not pray that they be forgiven or that they change. Pray that the Nigerian god kills them off with such violent finality that there is nothing left of them.




Attribute everything to the Nigerian god. So, if you diverted funds from public projects and are able to afford that Phantom, when people say you have a nice car, say, “Na God”. If someone asks what the secret of all your wealth is, say, “God has been good to me”. By this you mean the Nigerian god who gave you the uncommon wisdom to re-appropriate public funds.




Consult the Nigerian god when you don’t feel like working. The Nigerian god understands that we live in a harsh climate where it is hard to do any real work. So, if you have no clue how to be in charge and things start collapsing, ask people to pray to God and ask for his intervention.




The Nigerian god loves elections and politics. When you have bribed people to get the Party nomination, used thugs to steal and stuff ballot boxes, intimidated people into either sitting at home or voting for you, lied about everything from your assets to your age, and you eventually, (through God’s grace), win the elections, you must begin by declaring that your success is the wish of God and that the other candidate should accept this will of God. It is not your fault whom the Nigerian god chooses to reward with political success. How can mere mortals complain?




The Nigerian god does not tolerate disrespect. If someone insults your religion, you must look for anyone like them and kill them. Doesn’t matter what you use—sticks, machetes, grenade launchers, IED’s, AK47’s.




The Nigerian god performs signs and wonders. He does everything from cure HIV to High BP. And the Nigerian god is creative: he can teach a person who was born blind the difference between blue and green when the man of god asks, and he can teach a person born deaf instant English. As a worshipper you must let him deliver you because every case of sickness is caused by evil demons and not infections. Every case of barrenness is caused by witches and has no scientific explanation. So instead of hospital, visit agents of the Nigerian god. But the Nigerian god does not cure corruption. Do not attempt to mock him.

If you worship the Nigerian god, you are under no obligation to be nice or kind to people who are not worshippers. They deserve no courtesy.




The Nigerian god is also online. As a worshipper, you are not obliged to be good or decent on Facebook or twitter all week except on Friday and Sunday, both of which the Nigerian god marks as holy. So you may forward obscene photos, insult people, forward lewd jokes on all days except the holy days. On those holy days, whichever applies to you, put up statuses saying how much you are crazy about God.

These days, the Nigerian god also permits tweets and Facebook updates like: "Now in Church" or "This guy in front of me needs to stop dozing" when performing acts of worship.




In all, the Nigerian god is very kind and accommodating. He gives glory and riches and private jets. And if you worship him well, he will immensely bless your hustle.

http://elnathanjohn..com/2012/07/how-to-worship-nigerian-god.html

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scarr:
but I tot u said ur phone couldn't come on before so how did u backup a phone dat can't come on

well in any case all u need is d autoloader, what do you mean u can't download d autoloader

I used a colleagues battery which then powered it........then did the back up.

scarr:
ur os has been corrupted, reload ur os

Hi,
its me again, now i guess the worst has happened.
I did a backup up of my z10 in other to get ready for the reload. I finally did the reload and the green light came up. Now on a bberror.com/bb10-0015 has been coming up since yesterday. To complicate issues, my phone isnt being detected by the pc link. The red light comes up and blackberry letter comes up and it goes off again, the cycle continues.

Again, I cant seem to download the autoloader, been trying since Monday

Whats the way out?

scarr:
ur os has been corrupted, reload ur os

Oga, how do I reload my OS biko?....The Phone wont even come up in the first place


Thanks,

walcolm:
Nope, it's not bad market. The phone was always $599 which is less than 100k. Anyone who shells out 170k for it is either mugu or too much money de worry the person

The phone was really scarce and it's still largely scarce because BlackBerry were not sure how the market was going to react to the phone so they didn't order a lot of inventory. The demand has outweighed their expectations and the new inventory is just coming in

They have also launched the phone officially in a lot of country and Nigeria should get a launch this November.

Slot only played a fast one on those who were ready to fall mugu

Walcom baba, abeg, I need your (and other BB10 gurus) assistance.

Since yesterday, my z10 wont come on. I have tried charging it, it shows an orange light (like when you plug it to mains), then the battery charging sign comes up, then the blackberry sign comes on and it goes off, the cycle continues all over again. Since yesterday, I have pratically been offline, I have plugged it to a car charger, used generator, even nepa sef same story. I even removed my battery and put in a colleagues z10, same story, I have a spare battery, same story.............What could be the reason as this is the only phone I have?

Urgent respose(s) will be really appreciated as I am stranded at the moment.

Mbok, why didnt they invite me?.......*dialling the MD of ferrari*

Nashville:
I am still laughing; infact laughing very hard. You guys spent 200 million over the summer. You were playing at home against a Chelsea side with a third choice striker. 36 year old Didier Drogba. You managed to score a 92nd minute goal to earn a draw and you celebrate like you won the Champions league. Man Utd truly is a spent force.

I am sure Royal Roy is still partying very hard because of the draw.

Coogar were you not the one saying Man Utd will beat Chelsea. I can only laugh. Wait till you draw again with City this weekend. But please, I will be cheering for you guys o, you must draw at least.

Aha,now you have changed from beating us silly to justifying the goals and the age of the scorer. Don't worry, it can only get better. Man U is a work in progress.

coogar:
is nashville still laughing at united?

Where is Nashville when you need him most. Papi,are you hiding?

Despite all the noise, chelsea couldn't even score a goal, RVP scored both goals


I rep Manchester United.......

I really hope this man has changed, 8 solid years and he never cared. . Those excuses he gave are at best ridiculous, his friends didn't even know...shows that the man really isn't very good. Poor kids, I really feel for them.

I am beginning to think that Ini Edo has massive stake in nairaland. The rate at which everything about her makes it to nairaland is now very alarming.


Back to the topic,while her mates are busy deceiving themselves in the name of vying for elective positions Ini is busy creating business opportunities. Seems Ini has very strong business blood flowing in her, nice initiative I must say.



*make i park my kaya here, be like front page things *,property for sale, contact my agent for Details *

Front page smelling......

Congrats OP

.

I really don't understand the rationale behind the dog owner's actions. How will he not properly secure his dogs even though he knows that they were violent and that others (including) kids live in the neighborhood.

Mbok, Him get luck say no calabar or gbagyi man dey live close to am, him for Don dey find him dogs tete....lubbish

I really pity the kid that was severely dealt with by the aggressive dogs, the boy will be traumatized for life and might never understand again that dogs if properly managed can be wonderful animals.

On a lighter note, is it just me, why do I find the fact that dogs are being paraded funny, reminds me of a goat that was arrested sometime ago by the police, will they be granted bail or what? Will they (the dogs) also give statements , have a right to a lawyer,be arraigned, go to jail if found guilty ?