₦airaland Forum

like u ,, I even cover my nose as i dey talk to u

some people dey waste their talents,, dem supposed dey manufacture tear gas for Nigeria Police with their bad breath

The Federal Govt just closed down Nairaland

@ Poster, na nobody,,, all of us na cool jokers and yab master 

@ SAM, do you remember how your name (Samson) deceived you and you came to my street to look for trouble and I beat you black and blue? and blood coming out of your nose and mouth? until you almost changed your name to Judas?

Just want to share what I found somewhere

enjoy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


September 18, 2008
The Area Manager,
NEPA,
Lagos


Dear Sir,

COMPLAINT ABOUT YOUR SERVICES

I am writing to you with a deep sense of humility and gentleness. I consider this a great opportunity to communicate with an entity as awe-inspiring as yourself. Firstly, I bring greetings to you from residents of my area in Lagos.

As a dutiful citizen, I consider this letter as part of my civic responsibilities. Great countries comprise of citizens who are alive to their responsibilities. As a famous musician once said, "Ask not what your country can eat from you but what you can eat from your country."

I have benefited immensely from this country; therefore I have decided to give back.

I want to bring to your notice some strange occurrences which have been happening in my area. I want to sadly inform you that in the last 2 weeks, electricity has been stable. In other words, we sleep and wake up with electricity, we go to work and come back and electricity is still running. This is a terribly new and I must add DANGEROUS development in the lives of residents of my area. This is something we are not used to. This is too much electricity for us to handle. In the first week of constant electricity, I started acting strangely. I ironed all my clothes because I didn't know when "light" will be impounded on your orders. After 2 days, the "light" was still there. Therefore, I proceeded to re-iron the ironed clothes. My fridge which had not seen "4 hours" of constant light for months suddenly started freezing. In order to enjoy the maximum effects of refrigeration, I have decided to be drinking 20 cups of cold water before I go to sleep. Once I finish a cup, I put the bottle back into the fridge. After 10 minutes, the water cools and I drink. I just don't know what to do. All the Ceiling fans in my house have been switched on alongside my AC. My deck is playing at a high level. My life is now in state of chaos because of constant "light". My TV and VCD player are complaining of high blood pressure, as they have been terribly overworked in the last few weeks. Half of my light bulbs have gone on strike to protest their resurrection from blissful death.

All the customers in the beer parlour beside my house are complaining that the beer is too cold and wants to destroy their teeth. Even the rats and cockroaches are complaining that human assailants find it easier to track and exterminate them under electric light than under candlelight.

All the witches and wizards that regularly visited me in my sleep have suddenly taken flight in the presence of "light". Now I have to review my membership of MFM (Mountain of Fire and Miracles) since their work has been done. Can you imagine what will happen to the membership of churches if constant 'light' persists? No more demons meaning No more offerings.

With the above situation not abating, I decided to seek the reason behind this strange situation. This task was made easy for me when I realised that it was the work of saboteurs. Sabotage is the main reason for anything going wrong / right in our country. Our elections were sabotaged, our president's health is being sabotaged, Obama's chances of becoming the American President are being sabotaged by Nigerians. Therefore this constant "light" is the handiwork of saboteurs within your work system. These disgruntled individuals are enemies of progress who want you miss your set targets. These enemies want you to score very low on your KPI assessment. I realised this fact when I stumbled on a document showing your Key Performance Indicators for every month. These are:

1. Explosive growth in the amount of Candle-lit dinners and balcony-bedrooms

2. Massive boom in the sales of Candles, torchlight, generators, inverters and lanterns

3. Increased work place productivity due to Employees spending at least 16 hours at work because there is no light at home

4. Massive growth of Rock music fan clubs being aided by the endless sound of generators that are switched on overnight.

5. Volume of human blood being sucked by mosquitoes unchallenged by ceiling/standing fans

6. Incidence of heat rashes

7. Large Increase in Naming ceremonies: When people have no light at home, what else do they do with their time other than *******?


Sir, I strongly feel that the above achievements will not be possible if we keep on having "light". The saboteurs in your workplace will make you look stupid and incapable in front of your bosses. The repercussions of this charade would be unbearable. This is why I am writing to you now. As a responsible citizen, if I do not volunteer this information, I know that I will be the one to suffer. The day you realise that I have been enjoying endless light for 2 weeks, you will pay me back with 2 black months. The end will be worse than the beginning, thereof. I am at a crossroad. This is a major dilemma. Should I keep quiet? No I won't. This is because Evil triumphs when Good Men keep silent. Your incompetent staffs have left the light switch on and gone to sleep. I know you will take back all that we have stolen from you but Please remember my house in the day of recompense.

Your humble servant

Myself

Hmmmmmmmmmmm, a house that is divide against it self

there is a need to take over power since there is serious wahala in the kingdom so all the Warriors come to camp nowwwwwwwwwwwwwww

@ SAM, wrong live the Kwing

Igweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

@ tufe, seconded,,  because this kind woman fit kill the king for fublic

And many thanks to Ohilebo for bringing out the real Agbero in lysaa ,, and I think I deserve the position of The chief Intelligence officer for the King,, while i look towards being the next King too 

@ lysaa ,   but u did not complete the bla bla bla rounds with the king makers to earn the crown,, how come they gave it to you just like that?

I want my share of the bla bla bla oooooooooooooooooooo


@ SAM , I like that,, ''ex wife'' that means I can still get some bla bla bla

@ lysaa , who told you that you can talk in this matter? after all your breast milk was not required for my Hennessy,, cos it will contaminate it, ,, go and do your eye service alone, yeye girl

NAME ------------------Ohilebo

SEX ---------------------Male

AGE ---------------------Adult

AMBITION --------------To be the next King

DO YOU LIKE BRIBERY -----------Very very very Much

DO YOU LIKE JOKES --------------Very Much

ARE YOU STUPID ------------------Some times, but not as regular as some people

DO YOU LIKE HENNESSY --------Mixed with Breast Milk

DO YOU LIKE WOMEN/ MEN ------Only Women

DO YOU SUPPORT MY GOVT. ------some times I hate you and some times I love you


with these few points of mine, I hope i will score 150/100

@ Pappyshoes , sorry if I was talking about your party or your parents or your uncles or any of your folks ,, but I know they are all yeye polititians and that they should not get near the American elections 

Breaking news!!!!!!!!!!!


Reliable source just confirmed that George Bush & Mc Cain has contacted ANENIH and OBJ to rig the American general election on November 4th. Make we all know say if OBAMA no win, P--P don involve ooooooooooo, 

Thank u

@ moshood ad , go soak am for bucket of hot water for 5 hours. (W.H.O Health Journal August Edition, page 1234)

@ romade ,, but after the last bla bla bla, u told me that my voice was very romantic

@ Jeovy, I will sound even more better than that your cheap N2.00 Home Theater

A Level Maths

Remember those days when we used to spend a lot of time waiting at NITEL phone centres to make calls with our NITEL cards?

One Old man came and when it got to his turn, he was shouting while talking to his son in America, and when some NITEL staff tried to stop him from doing that, he replied,,

Don't you know that America is very very far away from Lagos? if it takes a Plane more than 8 hours to get to America, how will my son hear what i am saying if i don't shout?

heyyyyy, the Old lady and the Bad Boy in the House

The Old people are fun to be with, I am not trying to make anybody feel bad, but Let us share some funny things they have done !


Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors

and lawyers and prospered. Some years later, they chatted after having

dinner together. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their

elderly mother who lived far away in another city.

The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama."



The second said, "I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the

house."

The third said "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."

The fourth said, "You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know

she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this

preacher who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It

took twenty preachers 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to

contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the church, but it was

worth it. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot

will recite it."



The other brothers were impressed. After the holidays Mom sent out her

thank you notes. "She wrote: "Milton, the house you built is so

huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house.

Thanks

anyway."



"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries

delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."



"Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound, it could

hold 50 people, but all my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and

I'm

nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the

same."



"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give

little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious.

Thank you."

Do you think this old lady is guilty? Simply state your answer after reading her defence.


Defense Attorney:
Will you please state your age?

Little Old Lady:
I am 86 years old.

Defense Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Little Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney:
Did you know him?

Little Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.

Little Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him then?

LittleOld Lady:
No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so 'spicy' that I just laid down and told him
'Take me, young man. Take me now!'
Did he take you?

Little Old Lady:
Hell, no! He just yelled, 'April Fool!'And that's when I shot him, the little bastard,

una go kill person ooooo

@ infobaba , this ur new album go enter part 2 if care is not taken, na who produce am self?

SAM SAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! , how far na? so u be Panelbeater now abi? i beg make u nor allow ur hammer touch me oooo

@ all of you,, if e like make my Sweet Heart Clemcy be like juju, i still love her ,, na because she nor like the poster na in make him dey do all these yeye things ,,

she dont like nobody,
she dont like nobody , no no
she dont like nobody ,
nobody like meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

@ infobaba , so ur ass get ears? ,, so na 2 jobs ur ass dey do?

@ Clemcy, yes ooo,, i will even move over if u want me to

@ infobaba, na me Clemcy kiss oooooooo, make u talk something sweet to anothe woman make she kiss u,, not my Clemcy

Hmmmmmmmm,,, i remember when i started a thread like this some months ago , and all i got was insults upon insults,, well for me oooo, i am in Nairaland whenever i am jobless like all of you guys (as in less busy) but i still feel most of us are seriously jobless

And to all of you guys who did not even try to remember to ask after me for the past 3 months,, una be real wicked people,,, ordinary small '' hey, where is Ohilebo'' or '' Ohilebo I miss you'' could not come from anybody

I hate you alllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll minus Clemcy my babe

Fela is the only true Man who really understand Nigeria. I used the word ''is'' because he is still alive and his words and music are still there to explain what we are facing in Nigeria.

Go and listen to the track -

''Authority stealling''
''Suffering and smilling''