₦airaland Forum

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed and dry cleaners depressed?

Laundry workers could decrease, eventually becoming depressed and depleted even more, bedmakers will be debunked, baseball players will be debased, landscapers will be deflowered, bulldozer operators will be degraded, organ donors will be delivered, software engineers will be detested, the BVD company will be debriefed and even musical composers will eventually decompose.

On a more positive note though, perhaps we can hope politicians will be devoted.

A teenager comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between *potential* and *reality*?" His father looks up thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll display it for you. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you've learned." The kid is puzzled, but he decides to see if he can figure out what his father means.

He asks his mother, "Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?" His mother looks around slyly, and then with a little smile on her face says, "Don't tell your dad, but yes, I would." Then he goes to his sister's room and asks her, "Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?" His sister looks up and says, "Omigod! Definitely!"

The kid goes back to his father and says, "Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially we're sitting on two million bucks, but in reality, we are living with a couple of whores."

A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughters bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator. "What are you doing?" she exclaimed. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on a sofa with her vibrator. "What are you doing?" he exclaimed. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room. Upon entering the room she found her husband watching television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him. "What are you doing?" she asked. He replied, "Watching the game with my son-in-law."

A Close Shave

A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.

"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer, "Just place this between your cheek and gum."

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech, "And what if I swallow it?"

"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."

The Pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered an early retirement bonus. They promised any general who retired straight away his full annual benefits plus $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points on the general's body, with the general getting to select any pair of points he wished.

The first man, an Air Force general, accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. Six feet. He walked out with a check of $720,000.

The second man, an Army general, asked them to measure from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. Eight feet. He walked out with a check for $960,000.

When the third general, a grizzled old Marine, was asked where to measure, he told the pension man ... "From the tip of my penis to the bottom of my testicles." The pension man suggested that perhaps the Marine general might like to reconsider, pointing out the nice checks the previous two generals had received. The Marine insisted and the pension expert said that would be fine, but that he'd better get the medical officer to do the measuring.

The medical officer attended and asked the general to drop 'em. He did. The medical officer placed the tape on the tip of the general's penis and began to work back. "My God!" he said. "Where are your testicles?"

"The general replied, "In Vietnam."[/b]

Thanks @BunmiOguns

@gr8Anima Help me pour cold water........

Life is sexually transmitted.


Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.


Men have two emotions: Hungry and Hot.
If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.


Give a person a fish and you feed him for a day;
teach a person to use the Internet and he won't bother you for weeks.



Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday,
lying in hospitals dying of nothing.


All of us could take a lesson from the weather.
It pays no attention to criticism.


If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

In the 60s, people took acid to make the world weird.
Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.

Feel free to add more........

thanks @swtchicgurl

One Sunday, a pastor told his congregation that the church needed some extra money. He asked the people to consider donating a little more than usual into the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns. After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed ten $100 bills in the offering.

He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate. A very quiet, elderly, saintly-looking lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front.

Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanks asked her to pick out three hymns.

Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three most handsome men in the building and said, "I'll take him and him and him.

11. Every man’s dream is to be able to sink into the arms of a woman without also falling into her hands.

12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.

14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put
it back in your pocket.

16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

17. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side,
and it holds the universe together.

18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are
moving.

20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative
on the same night.

[b][/b]
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me,
for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. In fact, just leave me
the hell alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a
leaky tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's
newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.

6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try not paying your house rent.

8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their
shoes.

9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish,
and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

Fenks Agybabe and Booqee

WISE AND FUNNY ADVICE FROM KIDS


1. Never trust a dog to watch your food. - Patrick, age 10

2. When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?"

don't answer him. - Michael, 14

3. Never tell your mom her diet's not working. - Michael, 14

4. Stay away from prunes. - Randy, 9

5. Never pee on an electric fence. - Robert, 13

6. Don't squat with your spurs on. - Noronha, 13

7. Don't pull dad's finger when he tells you to. - Emily, 10

8. When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your

hair. - Taylia, 11

9. Never allow your three-year old brother in the same room

as your school assignment. - Traci, 14

10. Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time.

- Kyoyo, 9

11. You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.

- Armir, 9

12. Felt markers are not good to use as lipstick. - Lauren, 9

13. Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat.

- Joel, 10

14. When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when

she's on the phone. - Alyesha, 13

15. Never try to baptize a cat. - Eileen, 8

Bilau was asked to
complete the following in an
examination:
1. He who fights and runs away?Ejiro:He don surrenda b dat nah,
na fear catch am.
2. A rolling stone? no fit just dey roll, na person push am.
3. He who lives in a glass house? na
rich politician nah
4. A stitch in time? dey prevent
further tear tear.
5. Birds of the same feather? na the same mama born them.
6. One good turn? na correct
power steering fit do am.
7. A bird in hand? wetin e wan be
again if no be barbeque.Den plenty 4 chiken rep.Dat 1 too simple joor
8. Half bread is better than? buns puff puff or garri wtout sugar
9. The journey of a thousand miles?
Na d pesin wahala nah,why hin no enter
car or enter aeroplane jeje!
10. The patient dog?Don get disease, na hunger go
kill am.
11. All work and no play? na
bank job oooo bros.
12. He who laughs last? Get brain problem. Mak dem examine am wel wel. Pesin wey no laf wen oda pple dey laf kon dey laf, shey no b madnez or maybe na stammerer.

@ Vicky Bookie and Sam Fenks,

A father passing by his teenage daughter's bedroom was astonished to
see the bed was nicely made and everything was neat and tidy.





Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the centre of the
pillow. It was addressed "Dad". With the worst premonition, he opened
the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:-


Dear Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you, but I'm
leaving home. I had to elope with my new boyfriend Randy because I
wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.





I've been finding real passion with Randy and he is so nice to me. I
know when you meet him you'll like him too - even with all his
piercing, tattoos, and motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the
passion Dad, I'm pregnant and Randy said that he wants me to have the
kid and that we can be very happy together.





Even though Randy is much older than me (anyway, 42 isn't so old these
days is it? ), and has no money, really these things shouldn't stand
in the way of our relationship, don't you agree?


Randy has a great CD collection; he already owns a trailer in the
woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. It's true he
has other girlfriends as well but I know he'll be faithful to me in
his own way. He wants to have many more children with me and that's
now one of my dreams too.


Randy taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and he'll be
growing it for us and we'll trade it with our friends for all the
cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science
will find a cure for AIDS so Randy can get better; he sure deserves
it!!


Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of
myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know
your grandchildren.


Your loving daughter,
Rosie.



At the bottom of the page were the letters " PTO".

Hands still trembling, her father turned the sheet, and read:


PS:

Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbor's house. I
just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my
report card that's in my desk center drawer. Please sign it and call
when it is safe for me to come home.


I love you!

Your loving daughter,
Rosie

@ Eldav and Sutoboy, fenks

A Mom visits her son for dinner who
lives with a girl roommate.
During the course of the meal, his
mother couldn't help but notice how
pretty his roommate was.
She had long been suspicious of a
relationship between the two, and this
had only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while
watching the two interact, she started
to
wonder if there was more between him
and his
roommate than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, his son
volunteered, “I know what you must
be thinking, but I assure you,we are
just roommates."
About a week later, his roommate
came to him saying,
“Ever since your mother came to
dinner, I've been unable to find the
silver plate. You don't suppose she
took it, do you?"
He said ,"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email
her, just to be sure."
He sat down and wrote :
Dear Mother:
I'm not saying that you ‘did' take the
silver plate from my house, I'm not
saying that
you ‘did not' take the silver plate But
the fact remains that it has been
missing ever since you were here for
dinner.
Love,
your son.
Several days later, he received an email
from his Mother which read:
Dear Son:
I'm not saying that you ‘do' sleep with
your roommate, and I'm not saying
that you ‘do not' sleep with her. But
the fact remains that if she was
sleeping in her OWN bed, she would
have found the silver plate by now,
under the pillow…
Love, Mom. ♥
Never assume that your Mum doesn't. know,

I think this should be moved to the joke section.

A wife decides to take her husband to
a strip club for his birthday.
They arrive at the club and the
doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya
doin'?"
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's
been to this club before.
"Oh, no," says Dave. "He's on my
bowling team."
When they are seated, a waitress asks
Dave if he'd like his usual and brings
over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly
uncomfortable and says,"How did she
know that you drink Budweiser?"
"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League,
honey. We share lanes with them."
A stripper then comes over to their
table, throws her arms around Dave,
and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual
table dance, big boy?"
Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her
purse and storms out of the club.
Dave follows and spots her getting into
a cab. Before she can slam the door,
he jumps in beside her. He tries
desperately to explain how the stripper
must have mistaken him for someone
else, but his wife is having none of it.
She is screaming at him at the top of
her lungs, calling him every name in
the book.
The cabby turns his head and says,
"Looks like you picked up a real bitch
tonight, Dave."

After 2 years of selfless service,a
man realized that he has not been
promoted,no transfer,no salary
increase,no commendation and
that the company is not doing
anything about it. So he decided
to walk up to his HR Manager one
morning and after exchanging
greetings,he told his HR Manager
his observation. The boss looked
at him,laughed and asked him to
sit down saying; 'My friend,you
have not worked here for even
one day. The man was suprise but
the manager went on to explain.
Manager: How many days are
there in a year?
Man: 365 days and some times
366
Manager: How many hours make
up a day?
Man: 24 hours
Manager: How long do you work
in a day?
Man: 8am to 4pm i.e 8 hours a
day
Manager: So,what fraction of the
day do you work in hours?
Man: (he did some arithmetic and
said 8/24 hours i.e 1/3) one-third
Manager: that is nice,what is one-
third of 366 days?
Man: 122(1/3 * 366)
Manager: Do you come to works
on weekends?
Man: No sir
Manager: How many days are
there in a year dat are weekends?
Man: 52 saturdays and 52
sundays equals to 104 days
Manager: Thanks for that,if you
remove 104 days from 122
days,how many do you have
now?
Man: 18 days
Manager: OK! I do give you 2
weeks sick leave every year. Now
remove that 14 days from the 18
days left,how many days do you
have remaining?
Man: 4 days
Manager: Do you work on New
Year day?
Man: No sir!
Manager: Do you come to work
on workers day?
Man: No sir!
Manager: so how many days are
left?
Man: 2 days sir!
Manager: Do you work on
independence day?
Man: No sir!
Manager: Do you work on
Christmas day?
Man: No sir!
Manager: So how many days left?
Man: None sir!
Manager: So,what are you
claiming?
Man: I have understood,Sir. I did
not realise that i was stealing
company money all these days.

I stand corrected but I believe that reprimands and criticisms are Better and civilized ways of relating our disapproval.
Insults and curses won't help him anyways, A simple God help GEJ won't kill you.
He needs our prayers.

I never voted for Jonathan cos I was not convinced of his leadership capabilities but He won the election and He is saddled with the sole responsibility of leading this great nation for the next four years.
One thing that is gradually becoming a national habit is the rate at which people rain curses on the president. Now that's bad very bad, Interestingly even those that claimed to have voted for Jonathan and not PDP are guilty of this bad habit. Now getting Goodluck into that position might have been a one day electoral feat but getting him to remain there and to make the right decisions requires daily continuous prayers from the masses.
Don't get me wrong I am not saying that He shouldn't be constructively criticized when ever He makes wrong choices, criticize him but at least don't curse him.
He needs more of our prayers than we can ever imagine so next time you are pissed at GEJ just voice your critical opinion don't curse him.
Ask yourself this question: "Will that curse solve the problems or will it help make him better" I don't think so.
God bless You
God bless Me
God bless GEJ and our Leaders and
God bless Nigeria.
Thank you.

I greet everybody in the house o,

A naija man found himself lost and
wandering in a forest. After a few
hours trying to find his way, he came
upon a small house. He knocked on
the door and was greeted by an old
Chinese man with a long, grey beard.
"I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put
me up for the night?"
"Certainly," the Chinese man said,
"but on one condition. If you so much
as lay a finger on my daughter, I will
inflict upon you the three worst
Chinese tortures known to man."
"Ok," said the naija man, thinking that
the daughter must be pretty old as
well, and entered the house.
Before dinner, the daughter came
down the stairs. She was young,
stunningly beautiful, and had a
fantastic figure. She was obviously
attracted to the naija man since she
couldn't keep her eyes off him during
the meal. Remembering the old man's
warning, he ignored her and went up
to bed alone.
But during the night, he could bear it
no longer, and sneaked into her room
for a night of passion. He was careful
to keep everything quiet so the old
man wouldn't hear. Near dawn he
crept back to his room, exhausted,
but happy.
He woke to feel a pressure on his
chest. Opening his eyes he saw a
large rock on his chest with a note on
it that read,
"Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on
chest."
"Well, that's pretty crappy," he
thought. "If that's the best the old
man can do then I don't have much
to worry about." He picked the
boulder up, walked over to the
window and threw the boulder out.
As he did so he noticed another note
on it that read:
"Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left
testicle."
In a panic he glanced down and saw
the rope that was already getting
close to the end. Figuring that a few
broken bones were better than
castration, he jumped out of the
window after the boulder. As he
plummeted downward he saw a large
sign on the ground that read;
"Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied
to bedpost."

When I saw 26 years ago I was like did I witness MMs regime without knowing cos I was told the story.
I think MM died 36 years ago and not 26.

A part of the link just keeps going off when I click the post button. ()

http:// / Ag8kIx

I think this is am eye opener coming from the angle of one of them.
Click on the link http:// / Ag8kIx
http:// / Ag8kIx

I think Jonathan is smart,  , Check this
out,  ,
1) FG ignored ASUU intentionally
knowing fully well that Students will
pose a greater threat in terms of
protest and aluta. But now they are
with there parents.
2) The fear of Boko haram will
discourage most people from street
protest.
3) Why did Ebele declare a state of
emergency in some nothern states few
hours before removing subsidy? "If a
bomb goes off. from the BH those that
are brave enough to protest will take
off.
4)He said April why January cos He
knows there would be no money so a
labour strike is not feasible.
5)Call GEJ names if you like but he is
not a fool.