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Some Manufacturers Are Very Wicked

Do you know you can use your money to buy trouble? Ah, millions of people do just that daily. I’m sure at some one point or the other, you must have brought something that you ended up spending so much on without getting any value in return for your money. I will tell you about some contraptions I bought or used that… rather than make life easier for me, they made me suffer.

Chief among them is Nokia E66. In those days, if you own a Symbian phone, you’re a big boy. I had the option of going for Symbian within same range like the E63 but I chose the E66 because I hated QWERTY keyboard at the time because I couldn’t type fast with it unlike I’ll do with the normal numeric keypad phones that helps me type texts so fast in the dictionary/T9 mode. I also assumed E63 would be more battery efficient since it’s a slide phone. If I’m not typing, the keypad lights would be off as I slide down thereby conserving battery life.

So I bought the phone o. I was very right about the slider saving battery life. I used the phone to browse so much that people were begging me to let the phone have some rest. If I went anywhere, brought the phone out of my pocket and slide the screen up, the people around would nod in respect. All that was cut short about three months after purchase when one morning, I picked up the phone, slide it up and the screen was black, though the underneath keyboard was lighted.

I quickly rushed the phone to a repair guy who dismantled it and told me that the flex is bad; I should give him money to buy another flex. I paid him, he fixed the phone and I went home. The next month, the phone’s screen went black again. I went to the repair guy. He put another screen into the phone, it worked so my screen had gone bad. I paid for another screen. When the repair guy was coupling the phone after fixing it, he didn’t align the lower speaker well so when I got home, and tried to make calls… the person I’m calling could hear me but if I reply, it’s like I’m talking to the air. I took the phone to another technician and that was fixed.

Then the E66’s casing started going bad and keypad color faded. To bring it out in the public became shame to me. I went to a major phone accessories shop and bought another case. The new case, after being mounted on the phone didn’t fit too well but it was glowing so I decided to manage it like that. A few weeks later, the screen blacked out again. When I changed the screen, a few weeks later the flex used vex to spoil too.

I thought the repair guys didn’t fit the stuffs well which is the reason why they spoil so quickly. So I went to the shop where they sell phone spare parts, bought the flex, opened the phone and installed the new myself. All went well till the end of the next month when the screen went black again. I thought of buying another phone but my budget could only get a Java phone. Who would ever used return to Java phones after using Symbian? Not me o. I gently repaired the phone and begged it not to spoil again. About two months later, the flex went bad. I wanted to smash the phone on the floor and hammer it with my feet but I was determined to make something out of it so that all the money I spent on it will not be in vain.

I repaired the phone again and swapped it with a bro’s E5. The bros complained that all his pictures would randomly break or become corrupted without cause so I was lucky to get it so cheap. At the time, Android was just introduced and was very expensive too so the E5 was my best option. The next month when I went to the bros I swapped phone with, I saw my E66 lying so dismantled and battered on his shelf. I couldn’t help bursting into laughter. The E5 however wasn’t without its fault though. If the phone fell by one centimeter from my hand to the ground or table, its screen would total. After changing its screen the tenth time, I used anger to fling the phone into the bush and got myself a HTC Rider.

How can I forget Dad’s 504 Peugeot Station Wagon? He bought the wagon from his in-laws after his father in-law’s burial. From day one, the car was problem. If you start the car in the morning, the engine would blatantly refuse to wake until we have pushed it through almost all the streets in the estate. Dad would open the hood, suck petrol from one pipe like that, pump the petrol from his mouth into the engine and rush back into the car to start it; the engine would cough… cough… cough and go back to sleep.

The 504 really embarrassed us o. I was in first year in high school at the time. Dad usually drops us to school every morning so the car sometimes made us get to school late. You can imagine this scenario: me and my siblings in school uniform would be busy pushing the 504 around the neighborhood with Dad behind the wheel trying to start the wagon while other will be driving their kids to school past us W124 E Class Mercedes and 1996 Toyota Camry’s. The shame was much.

When dad eventually saved enough money and bought his own Mercedes, we were so happy. Dad said he would never touch a Peugeot again; even with a ten yard stick. He didn’t even bother to sell the 504. He returned it to his in-laws as a “gift”. Someone offered him a 406 later but he rejected it because of the stupid 504. Dad drove the Benz madly like a demon. On the highway, nobody could overtake him. After about two years, the Benz began to cry. If anything spoil in the car, the replacement parts were so expensive. He later sold it to a jolly friend for a token and brought a 1999 Toyota Avalon. I guess he wanted a Toyota that can match the Benz in terms of performance.

The Avalon was sweet in its first year. After that, the car became a wolf in sheep’s clothing. You will be driving gently one cool afternoon and the engine would suddenly knock. If you repair the engine, a few months later, it’ll knock again. Dad got a replacement engine but the same thing happened to it. If the engine knocked today and you repair it, tomorrow it would knock again. We would hold prayer vigils anytime Dad wants to travel to pray that the engine shall not knock on the highway. Apart from that, it also drank oil like regularly. Dad changed the engine about four times he got fed up and upgraded to Toyota Siena. He was begging people to buy the Avalon for chicken change but people were offering chicken shit. He finally parked the car, removed its tires and covered it with tarpaulin.

At some time I saw some neat and beautiful Nissan Murano and Range Rovers parked in a mechanic’s shop. Out of curiosity, I pretended I wanted to buy one of the cars and asked the mechanic what is wrong with them. The mechanic said the Murano have some electrical and gear problem while the Range Rovers had air suspension issues. When I enquired how much it would costs to get a replacement gear for Murano, the cost of the gear is more than the cost of the car. I didn’t bother to ask anything about the Range Rovers. I removed my shoes, touched my toes and ran away with speed.

Do manufacturers deliberately make stuffs and program them to go bad after a year or two? I don’t understand how companies that have been producing the same products for over half a century would still make and churn out products that have hidden defects despite of their wealth of experience and technical know-how at their disposal. Though in some cases, the users are to be blamed for servicing the products wrongly; it’s still not enough excuse for them to make products that often fall apart even in the hands of experienced users.

In my country where you can’t drive at one mile without having to swerve left or right to avoid numerous potholes, to drive a car with air suspension everyday is the most stupid thing to do. I don’t know if auto makers actually manufacture their suspension components or they outsource it but if I were Range Rover, I’ll simply fit or insert a soft spring suspension into the into the air suspension and seal them both up so that if the air suspension goes bad, the car can temporarily have the soft spring in the bad suspension to lean on. I’m sure that’s going to spoil market for the people who manufacture plain air suspension but customer satisfaction is what ultimately matters. I can’t spend big money on a Range Rover only to park at a mechanic shop because of one burst balloon.

The list will not be complete without including HP laptops. What exactly is inside the laptop that HP manufactures, I don’t know. They source electronic parts from different component makers, jam them together and brand it HP. The result is that half of their products often go bad within few months of usage. I do wonder why HP chargers are so small in size when compared with Toshiba or Dell laptop chargers. I cannot count the number of times my HP laptop charger gave p the ghost. I got tired of buying new HP chargers every month, brought a Dell charger, cut it up and affixed the pin of the HP charger into the Dells’. Since then, I don’t have any problem with Laptop chargers again. Let me also add that most batteries manufactured for HP (since HP doesn’t actually manufacture anything) are whack.

5. When It Comes To Lovers’ Issues; Never Ever Interfere

People often say I should have read law at school because they think I will make a good judge or diplomat. I have no interest in law… because it’s a matter of time before the law becomes old school and would need to be changed. People would start bickering and talking bogus grammar in support/against changing the law. I don’t have time for all that nonsense. But diplomacy… yes, I love diplomacy, I love making peace, I love making people happy. So when some friends have debate or disagreement, they would call me and ask me to arbitrate their matter. After reviewing the case and asking questions where necessary, I tell them what I know and the argument is over.

However, there are times when lovers have disagreement and they would bring their matter to me in one way, form or the other and if I put my hand into their issue, fire will later burn my hand. Please don’t misinterpret me. I’m not saying I adjudicate love issues like they do in marriage courts, what I’m saying that I often involuntarily find myself inside their problem in mysterious i will tell you now.

The first time I can remember I suffered for touching lovers matter was when, during University admission process, I had to go stay with the same Uncle I told you I went to stay with for holiday when I was 10. He was “that thing” as well as control his “away games”. After taking on the University’s assessment test, I wasn’t in a hurry to go back home and clearance was two weeks away so I decided to stay put. At first, everything was fine in the house. The couple tried to make things look like they were perfect until one evening, Uncle decided to go see his friend some streets away but his wife said he shouldn’t leave the house because it was late.

Mind you, it was just after sunset before night sets in so I don’t see what’s late in that when it is not as if person wants to travel to London and come back same night. Uncle ignored her and was about to open the door when jumped from nowhere, blocked his way and insisted he wasn’t going to anywhere that evening because she heard hoodlums are robbing people outside so he should wait till the next day before he can go out. As a man, if your wife says you should not go out of the house you built or rented with your own money over flimsy excuses, would you take that bull poo?

So there they were at the door arguing with each other while I gently sat in a corner watching TV. Uncle suddenly turned to me and asked what I thought about their talks. I chuckled and said as long as he comes back at eight pm, I don’t see any biggie. His wife asked me if I don’t mind seeing Uncle returns home with tales of how he was robbed and manhandled by miscreants. I replied that she should relax, everything is okay outside and Uncle would be back soon. She gave me one big sullen look and stormed to their bedroom. Uncle thumbed up at me and genuflects out of the house. He returned about an hour later with a bag of groceries.

When it was time for supper, rather than serve me as she usually did, she told me to go pick my food from the kitchen. I didn’t read any meaning into that, casually strolled to the kitchen to pick my food and joined them at the dining table. While eating… I wanted to eat meat… as I bite the supposed meat… it was all bones o. If you see me how sullen I looked as I watched Uncle and wife as they devoured their fat pieces of meat, you will feel sorry for me. I didn’t have mind to talk though since it is not my house. My mom can’t try that shit at home. I will empty the pot of soup for her that night and nothing will happen.

The next morning, uncle had to hurry out to work. What I had for breakfast was just pap and sugar. From till afternoon, hunger really flogged me. I had to go buy biscuits and malt to eat towards the evening because she locked the kitchen when going to work so I couldn’t assess the kitchen even if it’s to cook noodles. When she came back in the evening, I greeted her but she didn’t reply. I wondered why her attitude towards me suddenly changed. In the night she cooked jollof rice but all I got was the rice at the bottom which is usually burnt.

The thing that pained me most was that after eating that night, Uncle asked me to type something for him on his laptop while he and his madam settled on the sofa and began to play love plays… you know all those nibbling, stroking, and pinching lovers do. After typing, I presented the work to uncle and he said thanks. As I turned to go my room, wife called me back and asked if I had a girlfriend. I said no. she shouted… “Ah… so you don’t have girlfriend and you are judging matter between me and my husband, you tried.”

Nobody told me before I realized I had overstayed my welcome. I quietly called uncle aside the next morning and told him that I was going back home the next day. He was surprised and asked if we I had done my clearance at school. I said no, I’m missing my mom and want to go see her. He said he needs me to do some typing for him at weekend so I should wait till the next week before I leave. I almost fainted. Is this how I am going to suffer?

As per paddy-paddy things, I quietly told him… “Didn’t you hear what your wife said yesterday? I think I have overstayed my welcome o. It is her house and I don’t want to be seen as being an intruder.” Uncle said… “Whose house?! It is not her house, it is my house. I married her and brought her here. Don’t mind her attitude; just keep on being nice, over time she’ll get over it.” I said… “Okay, but I‘m broke o.” He said I shouldn’t worry. A few minutes before Uncle went to work, they started arguing about money. Uncle was saying he’ll give her the money later but Wife insisted he give her the money. After he left for work, Uncle sent me a text message to go check something under the dustbin outside. When I picked the package, I saw a fat wrap of cash in it!

The next days I spent there, the more I tried to be nice to Uncle’s wife, the more she acted weird to me. If she’s going to work, she’ll lock all doors in the house, even the bathroom door leaving only my room door. Uncle was furious when he came home one afternoon to give me some work to type and he was furious when he met the bathroom locked. You can imagine a man urinating outside in a corner of the house compound because his wife locked the bathroom door when she didn’t keep money inside. What makes women exhibit attitude over mundane irrelevant issues, I don’t know.

I barely ate in the house again after uncle gave me the money because what she used to serve me, even a starved dog will not eat it. She got angry the first time I didn’t eat the shit she served one Saturday morning: watery beans and dry bread. Since then, I would either flush the things in the toilet of pour it down kitchen drains. I can’t eat poison because I want to please a pussycat. It’ was sad for me though, for a lady who is nice to me to suddenly turn cold because of a simple comment. When Uncle eventually gave me permission to go home, I was so relieved… and I never went to visit Uncle again. He wanted me to stay with him at University but I politely declined and rented my own place.

Then came fussy little sister’s matter. She’s not really little, let me say early twenties. She had a boyfriend who is very fond of misbehaving. If he is not cheating on her today, tomorrow he would hit her. Every time such happened, she would come meet me to complain and sometimes cry on my shoulder. I advised her so many times to cut off relations with him but you know how some girls do… just kneel down to beg them even if you kill their father and they’ll forgive and forget everything instantly. Today they break up, tomorrow they make up. Their matter really got me tired.

So that afternoon when she came to my place in tears because the idiotic boyfriend didn’t or forgot to wish her “happy birthday” (why do ladies make so much fuss about birthday?), I decided to save her from future agonies and help her end the relationship permanently. I composed a nasty, strong worded text message warning the guy to stay off my sister, sent the text to him and patted sister to sleep. I soon fell asleep too.

I was gently enjoying a dream of my being in a fiery wonderland when I felt a stinging slap on my shoulder. When I opened my eyes, sister was starring angrily at me with her phone in her hand. The crazy boyfriend had forwarded my message to her with some soft apologizing words. The thing that both annoyed and pained me is that… the same sister I was trying to relieve of a toxic relationship started asking me nasty questions…: “Why did you send this bad message to my darling boyfriend? Do you want to break my relationship? Don’t you know my boyfriend is very loving and caring? If he leaves me because of this message you sent him, where will I find another boyfriend like him?”

If not for the fact that she’s my sister, I’ll have used a hammer to knock sense into her oblongata. The same person I was trying to protect from harm is now rebuking for telling her tormentor to back off. I started regretting ever listening to all she had been saying about her bastard boyfriend or comforting her all the times she came to me crying. When even sent me message to text the guy nah? I washed my hand off all her “matters” that afternoon.

Do you want to know how she and her boyfriend broke up? Aha, I don’t know o. I said their matter does not concern me again. The next times she came again with her issues shortly before they broke up, I acted as if I were deaf, blind and dumb. Please don’t say I am being harsh. She didn’t send me message to text her boyfriend; me too… I didn’t send her message to continue dating him. If she likes, she can commit suicide on his neck, I don’t care. One of the things that can get you really vexed is when the same person you helped or tried to help suddenly comes back and begins to act as if you ruined their destiny by helping them earlier.

The last time I got into lovers mess, it was… problem by proxy. A distant uncle who lived in my area said he was expecting a guest at weekend but since he didn’t have any spare room at his place, I should accommodate the visitor for at my place at night. The guy is married with two lovely daughters. I said okay, no problem. From morning till night, I neither saw Distant Uncle, nor his visitor. Just before midnight, I heard a knock on my door. I went to check who is knocking and behold, DU was outside with one fine shapely lady.

I thought the visitor he was referring to is a guy but was surprised to see it’s a lady. He said she was his friend at college and she was travelling somewhere the next day. I said no problem, got a room set for her and went to bed. I barely closed my eyes when DU came and said he’s going home. I bade him goodnight, locked the door and slept off.

The next morning, he came quite early to see her. He bought some chops for her and they got talking. I needed to do an assignment that I had to submit on. I didn’t have a PC at the time so I went to a bros place and borrowed his laptop for the night to do my assignment. When I got back home, DU and his lady friend were still there chatting. I asked if she’s still going today; she said tomorrow. The only thing on my mind that moment was my assignment so I sat down and began to work.

Late in the afternoon, D got a call from his wife that their younger daughter is sick so he bade goodbye and hurried home with promise to see his friend later in the evening. However, when evening came, he didn’t show up. In the night, I prepared supper and called out to my guest to come eat but she didn’t respond. I knocked on her door but it was locked and I got no reply. I shrugged, ate, continued working till late in the night and dozed off.

Early the next morning, I was woken up by DU’s friend. She said she’s hungry. I told her there’s some rice in the kitchen; she could cook some to eat. I got up and went to the toilet to pee. When I returned to my room to put finishing check some stuffs on my friend’s laptop, I didn’t see the laptop on the bed again. I searched everywhere in the room, I didn’t see the laptop. I thought maybe DU’s friend took it and went to her room to ask her. I knocked and got no reply. Then I opened the door and what I saw shocked me; the lady and her stuffs were nowhere in the room. I ran out as if I could find her but she was gone… with a laptop I borrowed to do my assignment.

I quickly wore my clothes and dashed to DDU’s house. He assured me that he’ll get the laptop back from her by evening time and I should relax. Though I was anxious but I tried to calm down. I asked him to tell me more about the lady and he and the same things he told me earlier; she’s just a friend at college. His wife noticed my apprehension and asked if her husband owes me some money. I calmly said no and went home. That day was one of the longest in my life as I impatiently waited for the sun to set.

In the evening I went o see DU for the laptop and he started telling me cock and bull stories that he wants to call Police to arrest his friend… bla bla bla. It was then I knew something was wrong and told him to give me the lady’s number. I got her digits and started communicating with the lady. I asked her why she returned my hospitality with problems instead of appreciation and told her to sharply return my friend’s laptop if she doesn’t want to see my bad side. She replied that I should go and collect the laptop from DU since he’s the owner.

I told her DU is not the owner of the laptop; I borrowed the laptop to do my assignment. She said I should to press DU to pay her money otherwise she would sell off the laptop. I calmed her down and got her to talk some more. She said D lied to her that his father owned the house, he owns the (Landlord’s) car parked outside and owns the laptop too; he only gave it to me to do my assignment. I was dumbfounded that someone I regard as an uncle could tell horrible lies like that. When I confronted him, the guy was so incoherent. I gave him two days ultimatum to recover the laptop or I’ll go make a complaint with the Police. DU didn’t only begged me not to go to the police, he also begged me to hush things and give him more time to recover the laptop. I ignored him and went to my friend to break the sad news to him. The reactions I got at his house were tough.

Friend’s elder sister pointedly accused me of aiding DU to cheat on his wife. She said I knew he’s a married man and yet I gave him space in my place with strange lady. To start with, I never knew the so called “visitor” was expecting is a lady. They came late in the night; at the time, I can’t tell them to sleep outside. All the while she was with me, she never game me any problem. Is it a crime to welcome a stranger referred to you by a relation into your house? It is not a crime to help people. My replies only seemed to infuriate the elder sister. She turned to my friend and blamed him for giving out the laptop to me. It was a very sad night for me.

The next day, I reported the issue to family folks. They talked with the lady who demanded for some money before she would release the laptop. The assumption of the people was that the lady is a prostitute and DU, after “eating” her, absconded and left her to find her way home. Contrarily, I assume they were casual lovers. You know how guys promise ladies stuffs just to get in between their legs, that’s what DU did. Maybe the lady refused to open leg after he had spent money, so he got annoyed any abandoned her. The lady on the other hand must have been hoping he’ll return that night so they’ll consummate things but instead she slept with a throbbing and itching mortar with no pestle to pound it for her so she decided to steal “his laptop” as punishment for lying to her and abandoning her.

DU’s people put together the money required and sent a delegation to the girls place. They got the laptop back and handed it to DU to give me. DU started acting like chairman when I went to collect the laptop from him. I felt insulted and asked his younger brother to collect the laptop on my behalf when DU has convinced himself that he is a big man. I got the laptop later in the day and returned it to its owner with so much relief. The next time anybody says he’s coming to my house with friend or “visitor”… you know how some useless guys do… I reply them with resounding “NO… go and book Guest House”.

2. God punish all Gays

Let me start this chapter by saying the world has gone bunkers. The world has spoilt. People no longer have values. There was a time when everybody went about naked and nobody was turned on by seeing another person’s unclothedness. But today, slightly exposed part of the body is all needed to set some men’s heart on fire.

Women aren’t even helping matters with the way they expose their bodies. If some parts of their cloth are not cut off, then it is not wearable for them. So they expose every part… back, arms, cleavage, laps, wear see through materials and wear materials that outline their curves. If you attend celebrities award events, the male folks are usually well dresses with only their hands and face visible. But ladies would wear pieces of rag to social events in the name of fashion. This post is not about women anyway. I just highlighted it in order to buttress my point about the changing times so let’s leave women matter alone.

I once had a scary experience with a useless homosexual man. If you have read my other books, you will know I love women so what could have brought me in contact with gays? My brother, it is condition that made crayfish to bend o. It happened during the time when the government didn’t know what to do about falling oil prices, scarce FOREX and fuel scarcity. I had to travel far to meet up with one interview like that. Since petrol was so scarce, the fare of petrol powered vehicles was hiked by 100%. I saw no sense in travelling by petrol powered buses. I opted to go by night bus… those Marcopolo buses. They’re diesel powered so their fares remained relatively cheap.

When travelling in smaller vehicles, I usually prefer to sit in the front with the driver so I could see the road. But in this case, it was a big bus so I picked a seat close to the back of the bus so I could see everything going on around me. The bus was yet to full so there was plenty time. I made myself comfortable in my seat and took out my phone to surf the net.

While I was browsing, a Toyota Sienna full of some boxes parked not far from my bus. After some time, the park boys unloaded the boxes from the Sienna to the bus I boarded. The owner of the boxes, a sweaty guy in his late forties wouldn’t stop cursing the government. He said he wanted to fly the boxes but air fares had increased by 300% due to scarcity of aviation fuel so he had no choice than to go by road. In my mind, I felt for the man. How can one make profit when the cost of transporting one’s goods has jumped by 100%?

About five minutes later, an Evil Spirit burst into the park into the park and screeched to halt right beside me. Four guys dressed in posh suits came out of the car and soon joined us in the bus. I thought they would sit together since they came in a group but they didn’t. One sat in the front just behind the driver, another sat by the front door, another sat by the back door and the last guy… sat beside me. If you’re still wondering sort of car is called Evil Spirit, It’s a nickname the local people gave the 2008-2012 Honda Accord because of it mean looking headlights.

The bus finally left the park about thirty minutes later. To my utmost displeasure, the guy beside me started barraging me lots of annoying talks. He asked me…

Where are you from?

How many sisters are in your family?

Bros, you are fine o, do you have a girlfriend?

Have you kissed a boy before?

In my mind, I was like… Mr. Man, please stop patronizing me with useless questions. I answered his questions as politely as I could while trying to discourage him from asking more questions. Some hawkers who sell bottled drinks and sausages soon came by. I called one of the guys to buy a cool bottle of Sprite. My ‘neighbor’ called out to a sausage hawker and ordered a drink and two Gala Sausages. As I was about to pay for my drink, the guy told me not to worry, brought out a neat wad of cash and paid for the stuffs. He tossed one of the sausages on lap and jovially told me to enjoy myself. I am not so used to being dashed things so I was somehow shocked by his show of generosity. Well, who am I to reject his offer. I smiled and thanked him.

As the bus took off, I reclined in my seat and pretended to be asleep. You know why? Something fishy seemed to be going on in the bus. My neighbor shifted his attention from me and began to exchange weird signals with the other guys he came with. Then one of them… the guy sitting bt the front door burst into gospel songs and began to clap as his hands were cymbals. Trust our people… they joined him singing and clapping. I gentle sat there with my eyes half closed observing the guys in suit. The way they dressed, you’ll think they’re missionaries.

Suddenly, I felt a jolt on my crotch. It was my neighbor o. He asked why don’t I join them in singing? I asked him if it is my crotch I should use to sing. He smiled and said he only hit me there by mistake when he wanted to tap my lap to wake me to join the bus’s ‘fellowship’. I told him I’m fatigued and would like to rest. He asked if I am ‘Born Again’. I told him not to worry… we’ll talk about it later, but I need to rest. He grinned and said I should sleep well o… and I should pray not to wake up in hell fire. In my mind, I retorted back at him; ‘it is you and your next generation that will wake up in hell fire.’

After singing, the guy behind the driver stood up and said ‘let us pray’. The guys in the bus lowered their heads while the ladies covered their heads with whatever they could lay their hand on. The guy started praying… for the journey to end in success… he prayed that the bus should not encounter ‘roadblocks” or overzealous policemen that would delay our journey. Everyone chorused …”Amen!”. Then the Pastor guy shouted hallelujah, clapped his hands and sat down quietly. Why he went so silent are being so loud a few minutes earlier, I wondered. It’s not my business anyway. I looked out of the window and was about to doze off when I saw it.

Please ask me… what did I see? The Honda Accord that dropped the guys at the park glided beside my window and overtook the bus. The bus driver suddenly slammed the brake cursed loudly and shouted at the stupid car to get out of his way. The guy on my side chuckled and then burst into laughter. Then the pastor guy sprung up, brought out a pistol under his suit and raised it into the air. Some people on the bus screamed… “Jeeeezzusss!!!”

“Anybody that wants to die should come and fight me.” Says the pastor. Nobody stood up. The people closest to him frightfully bowed their heads. By this time, the guy behind the driver had his pistol on the driver’s head. The guy at the back door was also up with his pistol. Only “my friend” remained seated but he sooner brought out his own pistol.

The bus was diverted to what seemed like an abandoned petrol station off the highway. The ordered everyone out of the bus and ordered us to lay on the floor face down with hands and legs spread apart. They said they’ll shot anybody that attempts to raise alarm. Then they started carting the trader’s boxes into the Honda. “My Friend” and Pastor acted as look outs while the other robbers tossed each box between them until the box lands at the trunk of the car.

The trader began to cry. He said he took loan from a bank to buy the goods and begged the robbers to have mercy on him. Pastor Robber told him to shut up but trader continued to wail and plead. At one point, sat up and faced the robbers to plead with them. Pastor Robber ordered him to lay on the floor but trader refused while begging. The next thing I heard was “kpaa!” Trader screamed, grabbed his leg and collapsed on the ground in agony. The women present began to wail and weep.

One of the robbers shouted at us to surrender our mobile phones but “My Friend” overruled him. Then Pastor walked to the lady beside me and roughly began to knead her buttocks. He ordered her to get up and take off her trouser. Then he said we should sit up on the floor and watch him. Right there in front of us, he had carnal knowledge of the lady. Those who tried to look away were hit on the head with the butt of the pistol and warned to keep their eyes open. When Pastor Robber was done, the next robber picked his woman and did the same to her until four of them had satisfied themselves. “My Friend” curiously didn’t participate in the rape.

In my mind at the time, I thought… aren’t women meant to be aroused only when they have been thoroughly romanced? I expected the robbers to have a hard time penetrating the ladies but I was disappointed. It seemed the ladies were already drooling before it got to their turn. Only an old woman among the passengers was spared.

Pastor Robber asked “My Friend” if he wouldn’t have fun. “My Friend” sighed, nodded his head and pointed his pistol at me. He said I should get up. Me? What is my offense nah? He said I should take off my trouser and follow him. I didn’t understand why I should take off my trouser so I looked around confused. A hard blow suddenly landed on my cheek from behind. I staggered and almost fell on the ground. Pastor robber charged at me, grabbed my trouser, yanked it off my legs and warned me to stop wasting their time as it was getting late. Then another robber, with his pistol at my back, piloted me to the other side of the bus away from the other passengers.

I met “My Friend” there smiling with his trouser off and a bottle of oil in his hand. He said I should take off my boxer shorts and I shouldn’t be scared because he is in love with me so he’ll do it gently. My people, what kind of nonsense is this? I, me, myself… I can’t comprehend why it is that out of all the fresh boobs and pussies in this world, it is my flat, hairy bum-bum that this idiotic pervert wants to Bleep. At the time, I thought it was impossible for a man to get erection at the sight of another man’s unclothedness so how is he going to enter my bum-bum? I mockingly took of my boxer shorts and bared my ass at him.

My dear, when I looked behind my back, what did I see? I saw “My Friend” happily lubricating his erect manhood with oil. Alarm bells rang in my head. What should I do now? Should I commit suicide? I’ll rather use myself to do voodoo money ritual or sell my organs to make my younger ones rich than die wretched under one useless madman’s dick. As “My Friend” walked to me and pointed his lubricated rod at my ass, I sharply clenched my bum-bum tightly together. The idiot tried to part my bum apart with his free hand… for where? In fact, I crossed my legs into letter X.

Then we heard a loud female cry from the other side. “My Friend” instructed the other robber to go check what was wrong. The other guy dashed off leaving just the two of us there. He slapped my head and barked at me to stop wasting his time. I refused to budge. Then he swore he’s going to deal with me for being stubborn. He took a few steps aside to drop his pistol… I’m sure wherever he is today, alive or dead, he would still be regretting ever dropping the pistol.

As he turned against me and bent down to place the pistol on the ground, I didn’t know what came over me. You know how soccer goal keepers do when they want to kick a ball from their hands into the air? That’s what I did. I took one step with my left leg and swung the right foot with full force into “My Friend’s” crotch. Whether my foot smashed his scrotums or not, I don’t know. What I know is that “My Friend” let out a yelp… “Yeeeehhh… My balls o o o o …!!!” and collapsed on the ground in pain while clenching his genitals. A gunshot responded from the other side of the bus.

My people, do you know what I did? I ran o, I ran for my dear life. I didn’t even bother to pick my boxer shorts; I jumped over the station’s low fence and darted into the bush. Three more gunshots came my direction. I kept running without looking back until I was deep inside the bush and everywhere became silent. Then I stopped, looked around and sat on the ground breathing heavily with relief.

It is where one problem ends that another problem will start. I felt a sharp sting on my bare thigh, looked down and saw a giant tse-tse happily fly sucking my blood. I promptly smashed the thing dead. The blood it had sucked nearly filled my palm. Another fly stung my neck and flew away before my hand could reach it. I knew I had to get out of the bush immediately if I don’t want to be sucked dry as supper by thousands of tse-tse flies around. I got up, tied my shirt around my waist and started going back the same way I came in from the bush. The robbers must have gone by the time I got back to the gas station.

It wasn’t long that I started to hear voices of some local people speaking a language I don’t understand. I cocked my hear to pick the direction the voices were coming from and headed that way. Surely, there must be a foot path that leads to the highway around here. Then I saw about six people who were obviously returning from their farms walking briskly in a straight file. I was happy I could get some help from the people after telling them my ordeal.

As I walked from the bush into the foot path and called out to the people, the last guy in the back turned around, looked at me, took to his heels and started shouting something I couldn’t understand. The other people didn’t even bother to turn around; they all arched their backs and ran after the last guy who had overtaken them. I thought the robbers had come into the bush to fetch me so I took to my heels too and tried to catch up with the people but the faster I ran to try catch up with them, the faster the people ran until we got to the highway. The first guy stopped, turned around to look at me again and sat on the highway shoulder panting heavily.

The people… three men and three women turned to me and asked me a barrage of questions… “Who am i? Where did I come from? How did I get into the bush?” I told them I was a victim of highway robbery who managed to escape into the bush. The people said it was the sound of gunshots that prompted them to leave their farms so they were tensed when the first guy raised alarm. I asked the guy as he sprawled on the ground if he saw the robbers in the bush. He said no… he didn’t see me when he walked by earlier so when he turned around and suddenly saw me behind him, he thought I was a ghost so he switched his gear from two to six.

Some Gadgets Can Be Very Wicked

Do you know you can use your money to buy trouble? Ah, millions of people do just that daily. I’m sure at some one point or the other, you must have brought something that you ended up spending so much on without getting any value in return for your money. I will tell you about some contraptions I bought or used that… rather than make life easier for me, they made me suffer.

Chief among them is Nokia E66. In those days, if you own a Symbian phone, you’re a big boy. I had the option of going for Symbian within same range like the E63 but I chose the E66 because I hated QWERTY keyboard at the time because I couldn’t type fast with it unlike I’ll do with the normal numeric keypad phones that helps me type texts so fast in the dictionary/T9 mode. I also assumed E63 would be more battery efficient since it’s a slide phone. If I’m not typing, the keypad lights would be off as I slide down thereby conserving battery life.

So I bought the phone o. I was very right about the slider saving battery life. I used the phone to browse so much that people were begging me to let the phone have some rest. If I went anywhere, brought the phone out of my pocket and slide the screen up, the people around would nod in respect. All that was cut short about three months after purchase when one morning, I picked up the phone, slide it up and the screen was black, though the underneath keyboard was lighted.

I quickly rushed the phone to a repair guy who dismantled it and told me that the flex is bad; I should give him money to buy another flex. I paid him, he fixed the phone and I went home. The next month, the phone’s screen went black again. I went to the repair guy. He put another screen into the phone, it worked so my screen had gone bad. I paid for another screen. When the repair guy was coupling the phone after fixing it, he didn’t align the lower speaker well so when I got home, and tried to make calls… the person I’m calling could hear me but if I reply, it’s like I’m talking to the air. I took the phone to another technician and that was fixed.

Then the E66’s casing started going bad and keypad color faded. To bring it out in the public became shame to me. I went to a major phone accessories shop and bought another case. The new case, after being mounted on the phone didn’t fit too well but it was glowing so I decided to manage it like that. A few weeks later, the screen blacked out again. When I changed the screen, a few weeks later the flex used vex to spoil too.

I thought the repair guys didn’t fit the stuffs well which is the reason why they spoil so quickly. So I went to the shop where they sell phone spare parts, bought the flex, opened the phone and installed the new myself. All went well till the end of the next month when the screen went black again. I thought of buying another phone but my budget could only get a Java phone. Who would ever used return to Java phones after using Symbian? Not me o. I gently repaired the phone and begged it not to spoil again. About two months later, the flex went bad. I wanted to smash the phone on the floor and hammer it with my feet but I was determined to make something out of it so that all the money I spent on it will not be in vain.

I repaired the phone again and swapped it with a bro’s E5. The bros complained that all his pictures would randomly break or become corrupted without cause so I was lucky to get it so cheap. At the time, Android was just introduced and was very expensive too so the E5 was my best option. The next month when I went to the bros I swapped phone with, I saw my E66 lying so dismantled and battered on his shelf. I couldn’t help bursting into laughter. The E5 however wasn’t without its fault though. If the phone fell by one centimeter from my hand to the ground or table, its screen would total. After changing its screen the tenth time, I used anger to fling the phone into the bush and got myself a HTC Rider.

How can I forget Dad’s 504 Peugeot Station Wagon? He bought the wagon from his in-laws after his father in-law’s burial. From day one, the car was problem. If you start the car in the morning, the engine would blatantly refuse to wake until we have pushed it through almost all the streets in the estate. Dad would open the hood, suck petrol from one pipe like that, pump the petrol from his mouth into the engine and rush back into the car to start it; the engine would cough… cough… cough and go back to sleep.

The 504 really embarrassed us o. I was in first year in high school at the time. Dad usually drops us to school every morning so the car sometimes made us get to school late. You can imagine this scenario: me and my siblings in school uniform would be busy pushing the 504 around the neighborhood with Dad behind the wheel trying to start the wagon while other will be driving their kids to school past us W124 E Class Mercedes and 1996 Toyota Camry’s. The shame was much.

When dad eventually saved enough money and bought his own Mercedes, we were so happy. Dad said he would never touch a Peugeot again; even with a ten yard stick. He didn’t even bother to sell the 504. He returned it to his in-laws as a “gift”. Someone offered him a 406 later but he rejected it because of the stupid 504. Dad drove the Benz madly like a demon. On the highway, nobody could overtake him. After about two years, the Benz began to cry. If anything spoil in the car, the replacement parts were so expensive. He later sold it to a jolly friend for a token and brought a 1999 Toyota Avalon. I guess he wanted a Toyota that can match the Benz in terms of performance.

The Avalon was sweet in its first year. After that, the car became a wolf in sheep’s clothing. You will be driving gently one cool afternoon and the engine would suddenly knock. If you repair the engine, a few months later, it’ll knock again. Dad got a replacement engine but the same thing happened to it. If the engine knocked today and you repair it, tomorrow it would knock again. We would hold prayer vigils anytime Dad wants to travel to pray that the engine shall not knock on the highway. Apart from that, it also drank oil like regularly. Dad changed the engine about four times he got fed up and upgraded to Toyota Siena. He was begging people to buy the Avalon for chicken change but people were offering chicken shit. He finally parked the car, removed its tires and covered it with tarpaulin.

At some time I saw some neat and beautiful Nissan Murano and Range Rovers parked in a mechanic’s shop. Out of curiosity, I pretended I wanted to buy one of the cars and asked the mechanic what is wrong with them. The mechanic said the Murano have some electrical and gear problem while the Range Rovers had air suspension issues. When I enquired how much it would costs to get a replacement gear for Murano, the cost of the gear is more than the cost of the car. I didn’t bother to ask anything about the Range Rovers. I removed my shoes, touched my toes and ran away with speed.

Do manufacturers deliberately make stuffs and program them to go bad after a year or two? I don’t understand how companies that have been producing the same products for over half a century would still make and churn out products that have hidden defects despite of their wealth of experience and technical know-how at their disposal. Though in some cases, the users are to be blamed for servicing the products wrongly; it’s still not enough excuse for them to make products that often fall apart even in the hands of experienced users.

In my country where you can’t drive at one mile without having to swerve left or right to avoid numerous potholes, to drive a car with air suspension everyday is the most stupid thing to do. I don’t know if auto makers actually manufacture their suspension components or they outsource it but if I were Range Rover, I’ll simply fit or insert a soft spring suspension into the into the air suspension and seal them both up so that if the air suspension goes bad, the car can temporarily have the soft spring in the bad suspension to lean on. I’m sure that’s going to spoil market for the people who manufacture plain air suspension but customer satisfaction is what ultimately matters. I can’t spend big money on a Range Rover only to park at a mechanic shop because of one burst balloon.

The list will not be complete without including HP laptops. What exactly is inside the laptop that HP manufactures, I don’t know. They source electronic parts from different component makers, jam them together and brand it HP. The result is that half of their products often go bad within few months of usage. I do wonder why HP chargers are so small in size when compared with Toshiba or Dell laptop chargers. I cannot count the number of times my HP laptop charger gave p the ghost. I got tired of buying new HP chargers every month, brought a Dell charger, cut it up and affixed the pin of the HP charger into the Dells’. Since then, I don’t have any problem with Laptop chargers again. Let me also add that most batteries manufactured for HP (since HP doesn’t actually manufacture anything) are whack.

When It Comes To Lovers’ Issues; Never Ever Interfere

People often say I should have read law at school because they think I will make a good judge or diplomat. I have no interest in law… because it’s a matter of time before the law becomes old school and would need to be changed. People would start bickering and talking bogus grammar in support/against changing the law. I don’t have time for all that nonsense. But diplomacy… yes, I love diplomacy, I love making peace, I love making people happy. So when some friends have debate or disagreement, they would call me and ask me to arbitrate their matter. After reviewing the case and asking questions where necessary, I tell them what I know and the argument is over.

However, there are times when lovers have disagreement and they would bring their matter to me in one way, form or the other and if I put my hand into their issue, fire will later burn my hand. Please don’t misinterpret me. I’m not saying I adjudicate love issues like they do in marriage courts, what I’m saying that I often involuntarily find myself inside their problem in mysterious i will tell you now.

The first time I can remember I suffered for touching lovers matter was when, during University admission process, I had to go stay with the same Uncle I told you I went to stay with for holiday when I was 10. He was “that thing” as well as control his “away games”. After taking on the University’s assessment test, I wasn’t in a hurry to go back home and clearance was two weeks away so I decided to stay put. At first, everything was fine in the house. The couple tried to make things look like they were perfect until one evening, Uncle decided to go see his friend some streets away but his wife said he shouldn’t leave the house because it was late.

Mind you, it was just after sunset before night sets in so I don’t see what’s late in that when it is not as if person wants to travel to London and come back same night. Uncle ignored her and was about to open the door when jumped from nowhere, blocked his way and insisted he wasn’t going to anywhere that evening because she heard hoodlums are robbing people outside so he should wait till the next day before he can go out. As a man, if your wife says you should not go out of the house you built or rented with your own money over flimsy excuses, would you take that bull poo?

So there they were at the door arguing with each other while I gently sat in a corner watching TV. Uncle suddenly turned to me and asked what I thought about their talks. I chuckled and said as long as he comes back at eight pm, I don’t see any biggie. His wife asked me if I don’t mind seeing Uncle returns home with tales of how he was robbed and manhandled by miscreants. I replied that she should relax, everything is okay outside and Uncle would be back soon. She gave me one big sullen look and stormed to their bedroom. Uncle thumbed up at me and genuflects out of the house. He returned about an hour later with a bag of groceries.

When it was time for supper, rather than serve me as she usually did, she told me to go pick my food from the kitchen. I didn’t read any meaning into that, casually strolled to the kitchen to pick my food and joined them at the dining table. While eating… I wanted to eat meat… as I bite the supposed meat… it was all bones o. If you see me how sullen I looked as I watched Uncle and wife as they devoured their fat pieces of meat, you will feel sorry for me. I didn’t have mind to talk though since it is not my house. My mom can’t try that shit at home. I will empty the pot of soup for her that night and nothing will happen.

The next morning, uncle had to hurry out to work. What I had for breakfast was just pap and sugar. From till afternoon, hunger really flogged me. I had to go buy biscuits and malt to eat towards the evening because she locked the kitchen when going to work so I couldn’t assess the kitchen even if it’s to cook noodles. When she came back in the evening, I greeted her but she didn’t reply. I wondered why her attitude towards me suddenly changed. In the night she cooked jollof rice but all I got was the rice at the bottom which is usually burnt.

The thing that pained me most was that after eating that night, Uncle asked me to type something for him on his laptop while he and his madam settled on the sofa and began to play love plays… you know all those nibbling, stroking, and pinching lovers do. After typing, I presented the work to uncle and he said thanks. As I turned to go my room, wife called me back and asked if I had a girlfriend. I said no. she shouted… “Ah… so you don’t have girlfriend and you are judging matter between me and my husband, you tried.”

Nobody told me before I realized I had overstayed my welcome. I quietly called uncle aside the next morning and told him that I was going back home the next day. He was surprised and asked if we I had done my clearance at school. I said no, I’m missing my mom and want to go see her. He said he needs me to do some typing for him at weekend so I should wait till the next week before I leave. I almost fainted. Is this how I am going to suffer?

As per paddy-paddy things, I quietly told him… “Didn’t you hear what your wife said yesterday? I think I have overstayed my welcome o. It is her house and I don’t want to be seen as being an intruder.” Uncle said… “Whose house?! It is not her house, it is my house. I married her and brought her here. Don’t mind her attitude; just keep on being nice, over time she’ll get over it.” I said… “Okay, but I‘m broke o.” He said I shouldn’t worry. A few minutes before Uncle went to work, they started arguing about money. Uncle was saying he’ll give her the money later but Wife insisted he give her the money. After he left for work, Uncle sent me a text message to go check something under the dustbin outside. When I picked the package, I saw a fat wrap of cash in it!

The next days I spent there, the more I tried to be nice to Uncle’s wife, the more she acted weird to me. If she’s going to work, she’ll lock all doors in the house, even the bathroom door leaving only my room door. Uncle was furious when he came home one afternoon to give me some work to type and he was furious when he met the bathroom locked. You can imagine a man urinating outside in a corner of the house compound because his wife locked the bathroom door when she didn’t keep money inside. What makes women exhibit attitude over mundane irrelevant issues, I don’t know.

I barely ate in the house again after uncle gave me the money because what she used to serve me, even a starved dog will not eat it. She got angry the first time I didn’t eat the shit she served one Saturday morning: watery beans and dry bread. Since then, I would either flush the things in the toilet of pour it down kitchen drains. I can’t eat poison because I want to please a pussycat. It’ was sad for me though, for a lady who is nice to me to suddenly turn cold because of a simple comment. When Uncle eventually gave me permission to go home, I was so relieved… and I never went to visit Uncle again. He wanted me to stay with him at University but I politely declined and rented my own place.

Then came fussy little sister’s matter. She’s not really little, let me say early twenties. She had a boyfriend who is very fond of misbehaving. If he is not cheating on her today, tomorrow he would hit her. Every time such happened, she would come meet me to complain and sometimes cry on my shoulder. I advised her so many times to cut off relations with him but you know how some girls do… just kneel down to beg them even if you kill their father and they’ll forgive and forget everything instantly. Today they break up, tomorrow they make up. Their matter really got me tired.

So that afternoon when she came to my place in tears because the idiotic boyfriend didn’t or forgot to wish her “happy birthday” (why do ladies make so much fuss about birthday?), I decided to save her from future agonies and help her end the relationship permanently. I composed a nasty, strong worded text message warning the guy to stay off my sister, sent the text to him and patted sister to sleep. I soon fell asleep too.

I was gently enjoying a dream of my being in a fiery wonderland when I felt a stinging slap on my shoulder. When I opened my eyes, sister was starring angrily at me with her phone in her hand. The crazy boyfriend had forwarded my message to her with some soft apologizing words. The thing that both annoyed and pained me is that… the same sister I was trying to relieve of a toxic relationship started asking me nasty questions…: “Why did you send this bad message to my darling boyfriend? Do you want to break my relationship? Don’t you know my boyfriend is very loving and caring? If he leaves me because of this message you sent him, where will I find another boyfriend like him?”

If not for the fact that she’s my sister, I’ll have used a hammer to knock sense into her oblongata. The same person I was trying to protect from harm is now rebuking for telling her tormentor to back off. I started regretting ever listening to all she had been saying about her bastard boyfriend or comforting her all the times she came to me crying. When even sent me message to text the guy nah? I washed my hand off all her “matters” that afternoon.

Do you want to know how she and her boyfriend broke up? Aha, I don’t know o. I said their matter does not concern me again. The next times she came again with her issues shortly before they broke up, I acted as if I were deaf, blind and dumb. Please don’t say I am being harsh. She didn’t send me message to text her boyfriend; me too… I didn’t send her message to continue dating him. If she likes, she can commit suicide on his neck, I don’t care. One of the things that can get you really vexed is when the same person you helped or tried to help suddenly comes back and begins to act as if you ruined their destiny by helping them earlier.

The last time I got into lovers mess, it was… problem by proxy. A distant uncle who lived in my area said he was expecting a guest at weekend but since he didn’t have any spare room at his place, I should accommodate the visitor for at my place at night. The guy is married with two lovely daughters. I said okay, no problem. From morning till night, I neither saw Distant Uncle, nor his visitor. Just before midnight, I heard a knock on my door. I went to check who is knocking and behold, DU was outside with one fine shapely lady.

I thought the visitor he was referring to is a guy but was surprised to see it’s a lady. He said she was his friend at college and she was travelling somewhere the next day. I said no problem, got a room set for her and went to bed. I barely closed my eyes when DU came and said he’s going home. I bade him goodnight, locked the door and slept off.

The next morning, he came quite early to see her. He bought some chops for her and they got talking. I needed to do an assignment that I had to submit on. I didn’t have a PC at the time so I went to a bros place and borrowed his laptop for the night to do my assignment. When I got back home, DU and his lady friend were still there chatting. I asked if she’s still going today; she said tomorrow. The only thing on my mind that moment was my assignment so I sat down and began to work.

Late in the afternoon, D got a call from his wife that their younger daughter is sick so he bade goodbye and hurried home with promise to see his friend later in the evening. However, when evening came, he didn’t show up. In the night, I prepared supper and called out to my guest to come eat but she didn’t respond. I knocked on her door but it was locked and I got no reply. I shrugged, ate, continued working till late in the night and dozed off.

Early the next morning, I was woken up by DU’s friend. She said she’s hungry. I told her there’s some rice in the kitchen; she could cook some to eat. I got up and went to the toilet to pee. When I returned to my room to put finishing check some stuffs on my friend’s laptop, I didn’t see the laptop on the bed again. I searched everywhere in the room, I didn’t see the laptop. I thought maybe DU’s friend took it and went to her room to ask her. I knocked and got no reply. Then I opened the door and what I saw shocked me; the lady and her stuffs were nowhere in the room. I ran out as if I could find her but she was gone… with a laptop I borrowed to do my assignment.

I quickly wore my clothes and dashed to DDU’s house. He assured me that he’ll get the laptop back from her by evening time and I should relax. Though I was anxious but I tried to calm down. I asked him to tell me more about the lady and he and the same things he told me earlier; she’s just a friend at college. His wife noticed my apprehension and asked if her husband owes me some money. I calmly said no and went home. That day was one of the longest in my life as I impatiently waited for the sun to set.

In the evening I went o see DU for the laptop and he started telling me cock and bull stories that he wants to call Police to arrest his friend… bla bla bla. It was then I knew something was wrong and told him to give me the lady’s number. I got her digits and started communicating with the lady. I asked her why she returned my hospitality with problems instead of appreciation and told her to sharply return my friend’s laptop if she doesn’t want to see my bad side. She replied that I should go and collect the laptop from DU since he’s the owner.

I told her DU is not the owner of the laptop; I borrowed the laptop to do my assignment. She said I should to press DU to pay her money otherwise she would sell off the laptop. I calmed her down and got her to talk some more. She said D lied to her that his father owned the house, he owns the (Landlord’s) car parked outside and owns the laptop too; he only gave it to me to do my assignment. I was dumbfounded that someone I regard as an uncle could tell horrible lies like that. When I confronted him, the guy was so incoherent. I gave him two days ultimatum to recover the laptop or I’ll go make a complaint with the Police. DU didn’t only begged me not to go to the police, he also begged me to hush things and give him more time to recover the laptop. I ignored him and went to my friend to break the sad news to him. The reactions I got at his house were tough.

Friend’s elder sister pointedly accused me of aiding DU to cheat on his wife. She said I knew he’s a married man and yet I gave him space in my place with strange lady. To start with, I never knew the so called “visitor” was expecting is a lady. They came late in the night; at the time, I can’t tell them to sleep outside. All the while she was with me, she never game me any problem. Is it a crime to welcome a stranger referred to you by a relation into your house? It is not a crime to help people. My replies only seemed to infuriate the elder sister. She turned to my friend and blamed him for giving out the laptop to me. It was a very sad night for me.

The next day, I reported the issue to family folks. They talked with the lady who demanded for some money before she would release the laptop. The assumption of the people was that the lady is a prostitute and DU, after “eating” her, absconded and left her to find her way home. Contrarily, I assume they were casual lovers. You know how guys promise ladies stuffs just to get in between their legs, that’s what DU did. Maybe the lady refused to open leg after he had spent money, so he got annoyed any abandoned her. The lady on the other hand must have been hoping he’ll return that night so they’ll consummate things but instead she slept with a throbbing and itching mortar with no pestle to pound it for her so she decided to steal “his laptop” as punishment for lying to her and abandoning her.

DU’s people put together the money required and sent a delegation to the girls place. They got the laptop back and handed it to DU to give me. DU started acting like chairman when I went to collect the laptop from him. I felt insulted and asked his younger brother to collect the laptop on my behalf when DU has convinced himself that he is a big man. I got the laptop later in the day and returned it to its owner with so much relief. The next time anybody says he’s coming to my house with friend or “visitor”… you know how some useless guys do… I reply them with resounding “NO… go and book Guest House”.