₦airaland Forum

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Man + Woman **

Smart Man + Smart Woman = Romance

Smart Man + Dumb Woman = Pregnancy

Dumb Man + Smart Woman = Affair

Dumb Man + Dumb Woman = Marriage

Smart Boss + Smart Employee = Profits

Smart Boss + Dumb Employee = Production

Dumb Boss + Smart Employee = Promotion

Dumb Boss + Dumb Employee = Overtime

A man will pay $2.00 for a $1.00 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1.00 for a $2.00 item that she does not need.

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

To be happy with a man, you must love him a little and understand him a lot.

To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate overnight.

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting she won't change, but she does.

Married men live longer than single men, but married men are more willing to die.

Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

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Family Definitions **

Grandfather -- a man whose daughter once married someone who was vastly her inferior mentally but consequently gave birth to unbelievably brilliant grandchildren.

Grandmother -- a baby-sitter who doesn't hang around the refrigerator.

Father -- someone who has redeemed the money in his wallet for snapshots.

Mother -- the person who feeds the mouth that bites her.

Child -- a lump bred up in darkness.

Aunt -- the only person who would have made a better mother than your mother.

Uncle -- a relative who only seems to like you when he needs something done for him.

Son -- the result of getting what you thought you wanted.

Daughter -- a person who dad likes because she reminds him why he married his wife, and who mother is afraid of because she reminds her of why her husband married her.

Cousin -- the relative most likely to be responsible for your trouble.

Mother-in-law -- a ready source of all knowledge, especially advice, history, and judgments.

Father-in-law -- the fellow who is now happy to have paid for the wedding because now his wife has another man to harass.

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Random Quotes: ***

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station, 

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older then it dawned on me . . . they were cramming for their finals.

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons and forks so I wonder what Chinese mothers use. Perhaps toothpicks?

Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor's office is full of portraits by Picasso.

How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there?

VENI, VEDI, VISA: I came, I saw, I did a little shopping.

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the OTHERS here for?

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

Clones are people two.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes, I am, I married the wrong man."

Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in every country, son.

Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

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