₦airaland Forum

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Random Quotes: ***

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station,

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older then it dawned on me . . . they were cramming for their finals.

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons and forks so I wonder what Chinese mothers use. Perhaps toothpicks?

Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor's office is full of portraits by Picasso.

How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there?

VENI, VEDI, VISA: I came, I saw, I did a little shopping.

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the OTHERS here for?

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

Clones are people two.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes, I am, I married the wrong man."

Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in every country, son.

Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

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It is just meaningless.
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**long hiss**
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Sicherheit:
You mean when you first STARTED studing English, right?
Here's an idea, master the grammer properly before you ^start making fun of someone else. Pinhead.

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Remove the shit in your eye first!
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Op,
Its all about cheddar.
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[img]http://www.freefoto.com/images/04/28/04_28_50---US-Dollar-Bills_web.jpg?&k=US+Dollar+Bills[/img]

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3 views
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Arranticus nonsensicus!
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Men are not smiling here.
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What happened in '85? U end the world?
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^^ Dont crash Nl servers o.
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Salesman ***

A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store. In fact it was the biggest store in the area--you could get anything there.

The boss asked him, "Have you ever been a salesman before?" "Yes, I was a salesman in the country," said the lad.

The boss liked the cut of him and said, "You can start tomorrow and I'll come and see you when we close up." The day was long and arduous for the young man, but finally 5 o'clock came around. The boss arrived and asked, "How many sales did you make today?"

"One", said the young salesman.

"Only one?" blurted the boss. "Most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sales worth?"

"Thirty-eight thousand, three hundred and thirty-four dollars," said the young man.

"How did you manage that?" asked the flabbergasted boss.

"Well" said the salesman, "This man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one and a huge big one. I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. I say he would probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty-foot schooner with the twin engines. Then he said his Volkswagen probably wouldn't be able to pull it, so I took him to the car department and sold him a new SUV."

The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, "You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook?"

"No", answered the salesman. Actually, he came in to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said to him, "Your weekends shot, you may as well go fishing."

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Quotes: ***

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station,

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older then it dawned on me . . . they were cramming for their finals.

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons and forks so I wonder what Chinese mothers use. Perhaps toothpicks?

Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor's office is full of portraits by Picasso.

How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there?

VENI, VEDI, VISA: I came, I saw, I did a little shopping.

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the OTHERS here for?

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

Clones are people two.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes, I am, I married the wrong man."

Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in every country, son.

Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

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Physical Therapist ***

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She said, "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow."

"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be all right, I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.

But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked him, "How does that feel?" To which he replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."

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Office Prayer ***



"Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.

The courage to change the things I cannot accept, and the

wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill

today because they pissed me off and also, help me to be

careful of the toes I step on today, as they may be connected

to the ass that I may have to kiss tomorrow."


Amen
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Meaningful Conversation ****

A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce. The attorney asked, "May I help you?" The farmer said, "Yea, I want to get one of those divorce's."

The attorney said, "Well do you have any grounds?" The farmer said, "Yea, I got about 140 acres."

The attorney said, " No, you don't understand, do you have a case?" The farmer said, "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."

The attorney said, "No you don't understand, I mean do you have a grudge?" The farmer said, "Yea I got a grudge, that's where I park my John Deere."

The attorney said, "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?" The farmer said, "Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear it in church on Sundays."

The exasperated attorney said, "Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"

The farmer said, "No sir, we both get up about 4:30."

Finally, the attorney says, "Okay, let me put it this way. "WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?"

And the farmer says, "Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her."
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Man + Woman ***

Smart Man + Smart Woman = Romance

Smart Man + Dumb Woman = Pregnancy

Dumb Man + Smart Woman = Affair

Dumb Man + Dumb Woman = Marriage

Smart Boss + Smart Employee = Profits

Smart Boss + Dumb Employee = Production

Dumb Boss + Smart Employee = Promotion

Dumb Boss + Dumb Employee = Overtime

A man will pay $2.00 for a $1.00 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1.00 for a $2.00 item that she does not need.

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

To be happy with a man, you must love him a little and understand him a lot.

To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate overnight.

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting she won't change, but she does.

Married men live longer than single men, but married men are more willing to die.

Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

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Looking for a Deputy ***

The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Gomer - who was not exactly the sharpest nail in the bucket - went in to try out for the job.

"Okay," the sheriff drawled, "Gomer, what is 1 and 1?"
"11" he replied.
The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but he's right."

"What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?"
"Today and tomorrow."
He was again surprised that Gomer supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.

"Now Gomer, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"
Gomer looked a little surprised himself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know."

"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"

So, Gomer wandered over to the barbershop where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview.

Gomer was exultant. "It went great!

First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"
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Lead Poisoning ***

A truck driver who has been delivering radioactive waste for the local reactor begins to feel sick after a few years on the job. He then seeks to be compensated for this ailment. Appearing at the workers' compensation department, he is interviewed by an assessor. The assessor asks several questions in relation to the claim.

Assessor: I see you work with radioactive materials and wish to claim compensation.
Trucker: Yeah, I feel really sick.

Assessor: Alright then, Does your employer take measures to protect you from radiation poisoning?
Trucker: Yeah, he gives me a lead suit to wear on the job.

Assessor: And what about the cabin in which you drive?
Trucker: Oh yeah. That's lead lined, all lead lined.

Assessor: What about the waste itself? Where is that kept?
Trucker: Oh, the stuff is held in a lead container, all lead.

Assessor: Let me see if I get this straight. You wear a lead suit, sit in a lead-lined cabin and the radioactive waste is kept in a lead container.
Trucker: Yeah, that's right all lead

Assessor: Then I can't see how you could claim against him for radiation poisoning.
Trucker: I'm not. I claiming for lead poisoning.
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What's in a Name ***

An actor auditioned for a part in a musical comedy many years ago. The director was impressed with the young man's talent. He could dance, he could sing, he had perfect comic timing.

The director asked the young man his name.

"[i]i[/i]ck van Lesibian," the man replied proudly.

"Well," said the director, "we'll have to change that."

"Oh," the young man said, "I could never change my name. It's my heritage."

"Well," said the director, "if you're not willing to change your name, you'll never go anywhere in show business."

The young man left the theater dejectedly.

A couple of years later, the director and the young man happened to meet on the street.

"Do you remember me," asked the young man?

"Yes, I do," said the director. "I almost cast you once for a musical comedy. What have you been up to."

"Well, I finally took your advice," the young man said. "I changed my name and I have been quite successful in show business ever since."

"I told you so," the director replied. "And what name did you choose, Mr. van Lesbian?"

"[i]i[/i]ck van Dyke."
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Fastest Thing in the World ****

There were four people who were in the final stages of interviewing for a prestigious job. One was Christian, one was Catholic, one was a Buddhist and the forth was Jewish.

The company decided to fly them all in for dinner and a final interview.

Over dinner at a fine restaurant, the president of the company told them that all were very worthy applicants, and that he wished he could hire them all, but that they only had enough money budgeted to hire one person. He told them that he would call each of them in one at a time for a final interview the next day, and that he would ask each one of them the same question. Whoever answered the question the best would be the one hired. All applicants agreed that this was fair.

The next day the first applicant, the Christian, was called in. The president posed the question, "What is the fastest thing in the world?"

He thought for a moment and replied, "That would have to be a thought."

"Why do you say that?" asked the president.

"Well, a thought takes no time at all, it is in your mind in an instant, then gone again."

"Ahh, very good. Thank you," replied the president.

Next the same question was posed to the Catholic woman. "What is the fastest thing in the world?"

She paused and replied, "That would have to be a blink."

"Why?" asked the president.

"Because you don't even think about a blink, it's just a reflex. You do it in an instant."

The president thanked her, then called in the next person.

The Buddhist was asked what the fastest thing in the world was, and after hesitating for a brief moment, he replied, "I would have to say electricity.

Why?

Because a man can flip a switch, and immediately, three miles away a light will go on."

"I see, very good," replied the president.

Then, the Jewish man was called in.

He, too, was asked, "What is the fastest thing in the world?"

"That's easy, " he replied, "that would have to be diarrhoea!"

Rather stunned, the president asked, "Why do you say that?"

"Well, last night after dinner, I was lying in my bed and I got the worst stomach cramps, , and before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHTS,

(He got the job, )

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I wan chaw.
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^^Ha ha ha
Mr cock can give someone rib failure. Will look for more posts later.
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The world is a cruel place. Sometimes.
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A little make-up, applied well, can make a lot of difference.
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Basics007:
Saw this on a friend's fb page and it seems kinda interesting so decided to share it. Here it goes.
Tinuke was your old school mate. She was that lovely girl you've always liked but never had the courage to ask out.
10yrs later u received a call from Tinuke sayin she's missed you so much and would like to visit you. Of course you agreed,gave her the directions and made all the necessary arrangements.
Next day she appeared on your doorstep looking ravishing. U guys went to the sitting room n talked for long. From the sitting room you went to d bedroom n kept on talking. There was power failure and even in d dark u kept talkin.
The phone in the sittingroom downstairs rang. U stood up to go and and answer it. She asked you to ignore it. U politely declined her request. She repeated her request but you declined again. She then asked if you r goin to come back after answerin the call. U wondered why she asked but all the same answered yes. She made u promised 10x to come back and u promised 10x to be back.
Voice on the phone said, "Hello i'm callin from XYZ Hospital. Tinuke and parents had a fatal accident. The parents are injured but presently stable. But we are sorry to inform you that Tinuke died. We saw your number in her bag that's why we called you"
Meanwhile Tinuke is in your room upstairs waiting for you. The question is WILL YOU GO BACK?

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Ha ha ha
I would so not sleep in that house that night.
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***dyammm, ilitrasy is a desease, truss me!! Am asking (A) and theytalking (B).

Didnt this  people go to school?***

onstelly, ermm madam, I just saw your pickture, 

Pliss  remove your wig,   Its not user friendly (no ofeinse)

PAT WHO Very ugly boy!!

how do u expect to oull a chick with a names like Patapatatata??  I bet he IBO & i bet he sells spare part

(no oofeinse)`

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Ha ha ha  
Mr cock no go kill me!

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Googles,  honey, u a nice lady but I just saw your picture,

Did somebody chain  that wig on your hair  , coz it seems like it coverd your whole head (no ofeinse)

I no fit shout!

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U take stale marijuana!
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iyatrustee:
i bin think say na woman you be

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Iya, wetin i do you nao? Okay, no worry i will increase the money for this month.
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akunta:
Phate,
yea, i dey o!
as for ofe oha gi? make George catch u o!

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Am taking centre stage, George can chill.
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