Please this voting is closing on the 28th. Just quickly vote for one of these three as the best Newcomer of the year.
Touchmeder,
Kinwayne
thronekid

Also, vote for any other three as the best writer of the year
Follow this link to vote
https://www.nairaland.com/1804027/free-n5000-writer-here-every/46

Soon i was on my third bottle of Odeku.

"Flow come take Vodka take wash your system" Onye Nku offered.

"i no want drink, my system dey ok"

There were Seven bottles of Vodka still standing, one was down.

"you dey Jones oh, everybody for here dey drink Vodka, na only you dey drink Beer" Fat Joe added.

"i no want drink na, na by force?"

Legend has it that Vodka is the only drink that humbles the proud.

The talkative Chibyke was really humbled.

"you don dey do like women now, take drink jor!!!" Chima offered.

As i saw that the number of ladies present had increased, of which one sat close to me c'aressing my head, i put on my drinking cap to see if it could help, and i gulped about half a bottle of Vodka like i was in a drinking competition.

I was Humbled to the bone.


My Heart, Liver, Kidneys, Blood tissues, Sinews, Arteries, Lungs and Five senses were all humbled.


"Mr Flow!!!!" Chidi hailed.

"Mr Chima!!!!!" I thought it was Chima that hailed.

In the Ejima's world, everyone was a "Mr", even a two year old boy, I learned the habit from then. Up until as i write, i prefer to add a "Mr" to the name of every Male, even a newly born.

It was getting dark, so generator was put on to light up the house.

"how many liters of fuel you put for the generator" Chima asked Chidi.

"na one liter oh,e go reach us till tomorrow na" Chidi answered.

" e go reach remain sef"


Umu Ejima were so good at Fuel Economics that sometimes i wondered if it was a borrowed course they studied in school; a course i missed all classes; a course that IMSU and FUTO industrial Physics Department offered. They could economize as little as One liter of Premium Motor Spirit for 5 hours or so, i wondered how they did it. I at times wondered if they mixed it with water. It was a closely kept secret i planned to uncover someday.


Soon i had drank a full bottle of an unknown make of Vodka. I at that Moment saw Angels as Demons, and Demons as Angels, they Both flew around my head.

"Pammy don come oh" Chima announced. That was his favorite.

A 25liters keg was full to the brim.

"Make i taste am first" I knew not the devil that spoke that. Devil had started speaking on my behalf from the moment i drank a whole bottle of Vodka.

Chima the Minister of Pammy offered me a Cup that flowed down my stomach like a water would to a waterfall.

The pammy was so so delicious that i took one more cup, and i noticed it accommodated something else..

"ehnnnnn! Bitter-leaf dey the Pammy" I asked as i spat out some residue.


"hahahahaha!!! you funny oh" Chibyke laughed.

"no na, wetin be this bitter things wey comot for my mouth" I inquired.

"na Igbo leaf" Chima answered.

"no be only ibo leaf, na Hausa leaf" i thought i heard "Igbo" the tride.

"hahahahahahaha!!!! him mean Igbo wey them dey smoke" Fat Joe giggled.

"no na, why una put am igbo na?" I had pledged not to take any drink containing M'arijuana since what happened during my service year; since Ilorin and co.

"na so we want am na" Godwin said.



I was about taking forty winks when Chidinma served pepper soup, followed by fried rice.


Then, another drink was served. It was the the almighty Mac Dowells.

I drank just half a cup, then sleep came.

It wasn't sleep, it was brain shut down.


My brain shut down, and my eyes followed suit, leaving my nervous system to make a "tick-tac" sound every five seconds.




I stood up, heading to the Toilet.


"Flow where you dey go? we never finish this bootle of Mac Dowells, and na two bottle them buy oh" Godwin announced.


"You dey craze abi?, una wan kill person?"

That was the Fourteenth time of me going to the toilet.

"abeg come sit down drink more jor, you be woman?"

"yes i be woman" I answered and everyone laughed unending.

"una no know say - he that drinks and run away will live to drink another" I postulated an adage, they continued laughing not knowing what i was going through.

It was indeed a long journey to the toilet that someone that traveled to Sokoto will arrive his destination before me.

I finally arrived my destination and the problem at that juncture was to figure out if my p'enis was on my chest or in between my legs.

Immediately i unzipped, urine poured out in torrents.

"Flow!!!! you dey p'iss for kitchen ooooooooh!!!!!!" I heard Chidi yelled.

"you be mumu oh, na kitchen be this?" I replied.


I urinated in the Kitchen; into the open pot of Rice that was left.





45 minutes later.


"Flow you no dey drink again" said Fat Joe.

"i no want drink na, na by force"

"no drink oh, make you no go p'iss for pot of Rice again" they all laughed at me, include the females there present.

The laugh continue as i stood up to go urinate again.

"see road to toilet here" Chima directed me to the path that led to the toilet.

I was in the real toilet this time around, but forgetting that i had to zip down before urinating, so i urinated on my Jean.


All of a sudden my stomach started rumbling and mumbling like river Nile and river Niger met there.



"gooooooooooouuuuuuuur!!!" I threw up into the toilet sink.

"Flow take am easy oh" Chidi spoke as they continued laughing, like i was some comedian.

The whole toilet was messed up in no time, it had the colours of the rainbow.


I didn't see the disgust in what i threw up but the beauty. I saw a well furnished Hotel suite with an eye catching pillow, so i lay down to rest.

The Toilet seat acted as my pillow with my head dipped into where p'oo was accomodated. My friends came in one after the other not to put on the Air conditioner but to laugh at me.

The Air conditioner was later put on by PHCN when power was restored and the shower started running.

"who put on this A/c? God go bless that person"

"Flow!! you no go comot for this toilet? na for there you go sleep?" Only Chima Loved me that much.

He tried dragging me out, but i was glued so tight to my "foreign made" pillow.

He turned the shower off and i complained saying: "why you off the air condition na??"





The next day when "my eye clear", i was told they all urinated and p'ooed in the nearby bush just because i refused leaving the toilet.

Psalmwise:
Drinking beer and cake is lik eatoin beans and plenty sugar...,u go shit to be contoinued

Just try am first

lol

stuff46:
lol

that's wats up

kwakwakwakwakwakwakwakwa lafin in kwame
flow u no go kil me
even my brodas think say I don smoke

mr flow kpatalico master

Flow, make una take am easy oooo. Life no dey get duplicate jor!

Ramwab94:
Flow, make una take am easy oooo. Life no dey get duplicate jor!

That was then na. Now men dey reason better things

If you will read this story to the end, you will understand that Flow changed for the better, but gradually. Haven't u noticed there is one thing Flow haven't done so far? As in, when compared to the Flow in man wey dey reason?

flow1759:


That was then na. Now men dey reason better things

If you will read this story to the end, you will understand that Flow changed for the better, but gradually. Haven't u noticed there is one thing Flow haven't done so far? As in, when compared to the Flow in man wey dey reason?

Yea, smoking his skunk
Abi na dry cow poo

the person that wrote this book must have stayed long in the Niger Delta Region. just look at the way, he makes everything easy for me to read. Guy, u too much.

flow1759:


That was then na. Now men dey reason better things

If you will read this story to the end, you will understand that Flow changed for the better, but gradually. Haven't u noticed there is one thing Flow haven't done so far? As in, when compared to the Flow in man wey dey reason?

Of course yes! Flow so far hasn't smoked wraps of Igboh. He don dey reason better things now. Smoking habits are long dead and buried. Hope i got it correctly sha!

Flow1859 i use God beg u no make my belly blow for here. I Don they follow u like Twitter and Facebook. ur two work make me enjoy working in a private company because I have time to laugh and share. flow try connect with me now.08036046710 I set barrack make we reason barrack way lol.

Flow want kill me

Keep the good work going

Nice work from you

It was another Sunday.


"I don late for Church, give me my wallet, e dey for table" I stood at the door beckoning on my Cousin.






My Church??........................... RCCG.

And, don't be shocked, i was a worker, an Usher.

I had promised my Creator to still be a worker in the vineyard even though i wallowed in sin, i knew some day i would turn a total new leaf, and just maybe i might climb to be a Pastor, just maybe.



"Peter you are not properly dressed, where is your Tie?" The head Usher jabbed.

"Good morning sir!! it's in my bag"

"good morning, pls go and start cleaning the Ministers seat" He ordered.

Since the day something happened to me, i dreaded cleaning ministers seat like a plague.

That day, the seat of the parish pastor shocked me like a n'aked wire would. Were it not to be that my crush Usher by name Blessing stood by my side, i would had fell to the ground, but i pretended nothing happened. My questions after the whole thing was that; "but i had been cleaning the same chair for God knows how long now, what went wrong that day?", "was it because i had almost slapped a church member by name Monday that morning for refusing to pay me the 2k be owed me that the Pastor's chair detected i still had anger boiling and it shocked me?" and last but not the least of the questions; "was it because i had mistakenly stared at Blessing's Behind, and my Stick responded immediately making my suit trouser looked shapeless?", or what? If the latter be the case, then Blessing was the cause, she always wore "above the knee but very tight skirt" every Sunday making me ask God for forgiveness for lusting every 4 minutes.

Blessing!!! she made me joined the Ushering department, not to lure her to my bed, but to make her my friend, girlfriend, and maybe Wife. But, she had one problem; she was very very very materialistic.



"Peter can i see you in private pls" I heard a sweet voice.

I thought she said "Peter can i see your p'rivate part pls" and i almost answered "yes you can".



"did you tell anybody in this church that i was very very very materialistic, and that you have slept with me, and that you have used and dumped me?" That was like a Further maths question in WAEC.

"no i did not"


"are you sure?" Kemi her friend that was present asked.

"wetin concern this one" I almost fired.

Kemi used to be my friend, but i started disliking her when she rebelled against me as the Drama head of the church, and also when she and her evil plotters made the youth Pastor resolved me being the Youth leader.


I was the Youth leader, but with so many troubles from "old unmarried spinsters" who felt because i was younger than them, i shouldn't lead them.

How i became a Parish Youth leader was well planned by me, and ordained by God. I read a book that told me "if you want to Overthrow the leader and you are part of his Cabinet, disable him; make everything be dependent on you; be in the center of every innovation". I knew i wasn't supposed to apply Machiavelli in the house of God, but i did that because i eyed the number one position not for political reasons but just to be at the helm of affairs of an ecclesiastical gathering like the Youth fellowship. And like Peter my name sake in the Bible, i was glad being "The Rock" everywhere i go; in Church, at Work, amongst my friends, to mention but a few.


"are you sure? i will call the person that said it oh" Blessing said, as i saw anger all over her. The cloud in her eyes was dark, it was about to rain on her face.

"pls do!!!"



"wetin dey happen oooooh? abi Pastor don hear say i chyke this girl?"

"but she no gree for me na" I was lost in my thought when the person she talked about came.

It was Mercy!!! Merciless Mercy the Choir member.

She had a crush on me, but if i was really sincere to myself, i wanted her for nothing else but s'ex, otherwise i wanted her not. She had an attitude challenge i never liked, and more also, she was older than me. At 29 she was unmarried and offered to marry me. I laughed at such marriage offers. Reminds me of a special prayer Vigil that my church organized sometime in January. The Pastor said and i quote: "turn to your neighbor, if He/She is not married say to him/her - neighbor!! you will surely get married this year". Mummy Tochukwu that was my neighbor said it loudly to me, and while other single brothers and sisters answered "Amen", i answered "God forbid" not to the hearing of Mummy Tochukwu who had told me severally to go get married. I answered "God forbid" not because i wasn't ready for marriage, but because i had no house of my own, no good job, no car, and no bride price. Infact in my account as at when Mummy Tochukwu made the proclamation was just 4,000 naira and it wasn't enough to buy or rent a wedding gown.




"did Peter actually tell you what you told me?" Kemi asked Mercy.


"what did i tell you?" Mercy asked.

"ooooooh! you don forget abi?" Blessing said akimbo.

"that Blessing here is materialistic and that Peter said he has used and dumped her"

"oboy eeeeeeh!!! check out oh" I exclaimed.

"Mercy you don kill me, i no talk like that na" I cried within.



"he never said anything like that" Mercy said.


"who then told you?" Kemi inquired.

At that moment i wondered why Kemi was such an hypocrite; she was bosom friends to both ladies, i wondered how she coped owing to the fact that both Ladies were always at logger head.


"bloody lier!!!" Blessiing cursed.

"is You and your family that are Bloody liers!!!" Mercy flung her hand and it mistakenly struck my p'enis, it was really painful, but not as painful as the pains of two beautiful ladies fighting over you.




"you know what? the pastor have already heard about this, after service, we will go and see him" kemi announced.


I at that moment wished an earthquake could happen and swallow me instanta.



I was going to be banned...



Or so i thought.

Keep it up! Bro. But make the update more consistent & lengthy. Then our aim for the Front page and beyond shall be accomplished.

pcaliphate:
Keep it up! Bro. But make the update more consistent & lengthy. Then our aim for the Front page and beyond shall be accomplished.

ok. it's just my busy schedule thats why.




It wouldn't only make font page, it will be the best this year, i promise.

flow1759:



ok. it's just my busy schedule thats why.







It wouldn't only make font page, it will be the best this year, i promise.

Two thumbs up Mr Plow
I hope you don't mind a ghost moder like me?

The real flow,i always enjoy your stories.
Though i'm a silent reader.
Keep it up!

Bunsky:
The real flow,i always enjoy your stories.
Though i'm a silent reader.
Keep it up!

Make una no vex, i for update again, but i am tired and hungry, and sleep beckons.





STILL I FLOW na............................................. abi no be so?

Hmm.... .

flow1759:


Make una no vex, i for update again, but i am tired and hungry, and sleep beckons.





STILL I FLOW na............................................. abi no be so?

Na so

Still I dey.....

flow1759:



Dont quote me that way pls, i need to correct some mistakes na........ i beg you

Flow! Interesting nairaland with true life events since 1960

Beta late dan neva......ah don arrive, floow ah dy front seat nw nd na stand i stand 4 clearer vision...prsn wey say i dy block am eehh??.....









Ryd on BOSS

Where is that burantashi seller? Anywhere flow is, alcohol must land

following flow since BARRACK BOY(BBB)

Flow.......Nice one

What the Pastor preached that Sunday was directed to me, he preached about how people involved themselves in immorality.

No, it wasn't directed to me, it was directed to those that got themselves involved in immorality at a higher percentage. I had gradually reduced the percentage of my immorality to say 30%. I at that moment had no steady girl friend, but so many girls crushed on me like i was Mr World. Or was it because i was looking more handsome lately, which could still be attributed to the fact that i had no Girlfriend.

Legend has it that when a guy is "Girlfriendless"; and i mean the real girlfriend, not side chicks and chickens, he becomes more handsome. Try it, it works.

The Pastor was half way through the sermon, when a guy i tried figuring out where we had met walked towards me. I was the Door boy, so i shook his hand welcoming him saying;"Welcome to church sir!!!", he refused letting go of my hand as he asked "where will i seat?". At that moment, my brain whispered to me that he was the guy i slapped at the bus stop the previous day for stepping on my well polished shoe and refusing to say sorry. But again, the big wheel in my brain spun to a point that i could now remember he was the Dog feed guy the other day at my Boss's house.

What later happened the other day at my Boss's house was that My Boss's wife gathered all the money she and Ife had at home to sum up to 12,000 naira that she gave to the Dog feed guy promising him Ife would come give him the rest the next day. She told me Ife would withdraw her feeding money and take it to the Dog feed man in their office, but that i had 3 weeks to reimburse Ife. She also told me that i was to give the money directly to Ife not her, i agreed and Thank them both.


"you can go this way, she will show you where to seat" I directed the man to Blessing who in turn showed him where he would seat down. I noticed the Dog feed guy wore the same Shirt, Trousers, and Canoe looking shoe he wore to my Boss's house the other day.

All through the service, what i was thinking was that the Pastor would maybe send me on IT, or give me a suspension, or both.

IT means Industrial Training in University terms, but in my Church, it meant Church Training with acronym CI, but the church preferred calling it IT.

Workers dreaded IT because it meant for them to be posted to another Parish that is most times scantier, with fewer workers where the work load will be more and where the Pastor will discipline the worker based on his/her offenses committed.

I was accused of committing an Immorality based sin. Only God knows what my punishment would had looked like. Maybe i would be asked to go wash the Pastor's wife toilet, or maybe not.


Church closed and i wished i could run home.




"so you are trying to say, you asked both two ladies out" The Pastor needed to know.

"no oh!!! I was just friends with this one oh" I pointed at Blessing.

""without my knowing eeeeeennnn?" Pastor asked.


"must i ask for your permission before i will be friends with someone?" I almost asked.





2 Hours of accusations and counter accusations.

"I have heard the complains of all of you, and this is my Judgement............................"


The Judgement of Pastor Ben was word, he spoke, and whatever he spoke was final.




"Sister Mercy you lite the whole fire of lies, your punishment is that you will be going on suspension for two weeks, of which, within this two weeks you will not function as a worker".


"and you Brother Peter, your punishment is........................................."


"your punishment is that you will be going on IT to our sister parish in Dada street " I thought i heard him said.



The parish in Dada street was the worst of parishes i had ever seen since a parish i saw in Mushin while doing my delivery job.

While the parish in Mushin had sign post of a blackboard with the name of the church inscribed with what looked to me like green chalk, the church in Dada street had a befitting sign post. While the parish in Mushin was constructed with what looked like Cardboard paper, the parish at Dada street was constructed with what can be best described as Bamboo. But, while the road that led to the parish in Mushin was well tarred, the road that led to the parish in Dada street was horrible to walk on not to talk of to drive on.

When my friend Solomon went on IT to the parish in Dada street, he came back to attest to the fact that the parish had only 7 members plus him; The Pastor, his Wife, His three Children who were workers, and two other members. He said one day when it rained heavily, he prayed in tongues for the rain to stop, but it continued raining leaving him with no choice but to wear a Rain boot to church since an IT student had no choice of missing a Sunday come what may. On getting to the junction that led to Dada street, he saw that the Rain boot was of no use and since the water got to his stomach level he had no choice but to swim, removing the Rain boot. He swam not because he knew how to swim, but because he had to be in church before 7am no matter the cost or he would repeat his IT of which he had already repeated 3 months.

Dada street was indeed a punishment zone you will agree with me. Especially in raining session.


"Your punishment is that you will read this book in two weeks, and come back on the third week to explain the content of the book to me" he handed over a book to me.


"How to find a Wife" was the title of the book.


I was never in search of a Wife, at least i never lost one.





We left the Pastor's office with Blessing sobbing and Mercy smiling.







I at that moment discovered i was hungry when my stomach sang song of praise. Hungry and broke. I needed money badly.




On getting downstairs where the church auditorium was, i saw someone.


Someone that owed me.



"Monday you must pay me my money today!!!!!" I held his shirt.

na true Dyoungstar talk..................... Industrial action will do.............. how una see am?

flow1759:
na true Dyoungstar talk..................... Industrial action will do.............. how una see am?

just stop updating and delit the old ones

Abeg oooo......in as much as Dyoungstar is ryt, it wont be fair on us (d genuine readers only)....we wuld be story starved