babyosisi:


I doubt if any woman speaks those words lightly
It is normally spoken out of frustration when a man has turned a blind eye while his mother encroached into a territory that belongs to the wife.Human are territorial beings.
What many men don't understand is that the wife and the mother are two people that love him and he must actively keep their roles separate.
Go to my marital advise thread,I wrote of my first experiences with my MIL in those early years .
I had a time I had to ask my own husband to choose between his mom and I because despite his best efforts I found myself on one side fighting mother and son for no fault if mine.
You have a great MIL so you don't get it,some don't and some didn't start off the way yours did
Some had to " kill their MIL with love" to get goodness out of them
Some had to bite their tongues to a whole of stuff to maintain a workable relationship

The mothers role is totally separate from the wife's and it is up to the husband to make that distinction clear if his mother doesn't understand that and help not to stretch his wife to her limits.I have already written that most MIL do this out of the love for their sons and wanting the best for him but hurt the DIL and sometimes deliberately in that process.
It is Ok to make blanket statements of dos and donts but unless you have been faced with a situation yourself,you have no clue what the other person has been through.

Anybody here spending time reading this thread should hold this post as the wisest. I feel the OP doesn't understand what her friend is experiencing, where is her empathy? Truth is, and will always remain, that many wives do feel their MIL's involvement in their marriage makes them feel somewhat redundant as a wife. Of course, this will bring up emotions. A woman who utters such an ultimatum is probably not telling her husband to be rid of his mother; what woman who loves her husband would ever mean that? But through frustration, she is appealing to him to restore her role in the marriage as a man's wife/complement/partner.

Men, you're so quick to come on threads like this and hail the unbreakable bond you have with your mothers. It's a beautiful bond, but seriously consider this post I've quoted. When you choose to marry, then you have chosen to gain a wife; don't marry unless you are willing to respectfully hold your wife in the position your marriage vows dictate. Your mother is not your wife, and it's your responsibility to keep the roles separate, just as your wife needs to do the same regarding her own mother. There can be harmony between MILs and their DILs, but whenever there is not, look at yourself before you place blame elsewhere.

But again if the husband puts his mother first, who will put the wife first?

Her son?

And I also think it is quite unrealistic to compare the wife's mother to the husband's mother

Bt is it OK for a MIL to tel her son to choose BTW ha n hs wif

tivta:
. So fighting fire with fire will solve the problem? Women just can't tolerate themselves yet they forget karma is real. Why don't men fight with their MILs? Its a female thing that needs to be changed.
Women are their own worst enemies.

Helloooo did you read my post? Who talked about fighting fire with fire? Some men are also not in good terms with their MILs, they just tend to ignore them.

op, u r a role model worth emulating 4 dz nowadays gurlz of me nd my husband crooner. Worst of it all, Dy no dy fine. Wel, tnkz to marykay nd .........,...

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tivta:
. You are sounding selfish. Why say IF? You don't want them to leave you abi? My dear you can't eat your cake and have it.

Bros wetin you dey yarn?
Leave idiomatic proverb joo. Which kin cake

Why won't I say if? It is their choice if they marry or not. I hope my son leaves my house when he is man enough. Married or not.

Shollypopzz:
@babyosisi: I couldn't agree more. I felt the op denied us of some very important info, like what led to the ultimatum.

I do not support ultimatums because they are manipulative and downright narcissistic in my opinion, but in most cases, the person giving the ultimatum does so out of frustration.

it's still unwise and grossly stupid for any wife to ask that question.. learn to calm down before you speak

cacali:
Helloooo did you read my post? Who talked about fighting fire with fire? Some men are also not in good terms with their MILs, they just tend to ignore them.

. My fire by fire was due to you saying DILs should make boundaries between them and their MILs. If men can ignore MILs why can't women do the same? Instead of making it sound as if without them a man will die? As long as there is room for divorces, no man should ever put his wife above his parents. Blood is thicker than water.

God bless the OP......You are blessed and your children will be blessed including all your generations.Very wise words

Khabuqi:


Bros wetin you dey yarn?
Leave idiomatic proverb joo. Which kin cake

Why won't I say if? It is their choice if they marry or not. I hope my son leaves my house when he is man enough. Married or not.

it's easy to say

greatgod2012:
Good day my fellow forumites. It's been a while opening thread on this forum. Happy sunday to us all.


This thread was borne out of a quarrel between a couple i tried to settle two days ago.
A colleague of mine approached me for advice on what is happening in her marriage, and at the end of narrating her ordeal, i pointed her fault to her as being the architech of her problems. I deduced that the bone of contention is that each time there is disagreement, he would ask her husband to choose between her and and his mother, and as it is expected, the man would choose his mother, and yawa go gas!

Please, my fellow women and wives (though some men are guilty of this too, but it's more rampant with women), let's stop this nonsense, let's stop asking silly questions, if there is an issue between you and your spouse, communicate with maturity, without raising voice, without setiments and without blackmail and most importantly, without silly questions such as, "then, you will have to choose between me and your mother" it's childish, silly, disrespectful and out of security and envy.
Let me tell us, no sane man will choose his wife over his mother, because the wife was not there when his mother conceived him, gave birth to him, breasfed him, trained him, have so many sleepless nighs because of him, sent him to school to become who he is now for you to see, admire and marry. No wife was there when the mother was washing the man's dirty clothes, even using bare hands to wash faeces with which he soiled himself, when the mother spent days in hospital when sick to make sure the man is in good health and shape. No wife was there when the mother wakes in the middle of the night to talk and advise his son on ways of life, on how to be a good child to her parents, a good person in the society, a good employee to his employer, a good employer to his employees, a good father to his children and a good husband to his wife. Now, it's the mother that the wife is now waging war against. Nooooo wayyyyyy.
Honestly, i don't know reason why there is usually rancour between DILs and MILs, if for anything, these old women deserves our respect, appreciation and to be made happy, at least for making these our husbands marriageable, abi, if they were not born, can we get married to them.

So, my fellow women, if you don't want to sadden yourself, stop asking your men to choose between you and his mother, because he would definately choose his mother. And for those who usually say, "then let him take his mother to bed", abeg, everything is not only about bed in marriage. For those who will say, "then let his mother prepare him food, remember, he has been eating his mother's food before meeting and marrying you. For those who will say, "then, let his mother bare him children", remember, the children are not only his, they're yours as well.

Let all DILs remember that they are also potential MILs and that whatever they sow as a DIL, they will reap them when they also become MIL.
Let us cultivate the habit of loving our MILs, appreciate them and stop unnecessary rivalry with them. Many of them are becoming old already, so, we need to remember that old age usually make someone to be eccentric. So, let' treat them as if they are our mother, which i believe they are. Atleast, someone who is old enough to be our spouse' mother is also fit to be our mother.
As for me, i have the most wonderful MIL in the whole world. I cherish her, adore her, love her greatly and i get the best of her, even my husband and his siblings do jealous of me.

Anytime there's a cause for all of us, me, hubby and mama, to be in a car, i open the front door for mama myself to sit, this singular act, i have been criticised of so many times, but, is it not for just one or few days, and i see that she usually love it each time i do that. She rains blessings on me as if there is no other day. I pamper her(but truth be said, she pampers me more).
See, my fellow women, this is a secret, if you want the best from your man, love his mother and you will never regret doing so.
God bless us all.
For those who will condemn this, i think i'm no longer a novice in marriage. This is my 10th year of marriage, and it's just like yesterday, we're just starting anyway, and everyday of our marriage has always been better than the previous day.

This also goes to the men who usually asks their wives to choose between them and their mothers.

P. S
DIL....daughter-in-law.
MIL....mother-in-law.

God bless us all.

it also beats my imagination when girls put dir hubby in dis kind of situation.what re u xpecting to hear, dt he chooses u?hmm!thank God for me sha, av always prayed to God to gv m a mil like my mum.and he did, she is d best tin dt eva happened to m and I love her like my mama...she talks to m and treats m like a daughta.she even gives me tricks on how to make her son love me more.i love her, shes d best.

cbrass:


it's easy to say

And easy to do

greatgod2012:



I respect your opinion.
That being said, asking a man to choose between you and his mother is even disrespectful to the man, IMO. I would rather tell him to help me talk to his mother rather than telling him to choose whom he prefers between us. My personal opinion, please.

And after 20 times of asking him to help talk with his mother and mother is still being a pain?
What should be the next line?
Yes your opinion but inadvertently or perhaps out of not having a good grasp on a subject,a young woman comes to you for advise and all your hear was the line about choosing?

Khabuqi:


Bros wetin you dey yarn?
Leave idiomatic proverb joo. Which kin cake

Why won't I say if? It is their choice if they marry or not. I hope my son leaves my house when he is man enough. Married or not.

ok oh. Sha just remember, karma is real. Peace.

I've dumped alot of girls asking me to choose between her and Arsenal F.C... Talkless of my Mother...

Na when Arsenal wan play Chelsea dem go wan see you... I can only miss that match for my mum... Funny enough... Those two never clash...

I STILL THINK MARRIAGES ARE OVER-RATED... #MyTwoKobo

SAMBARRY:
You can bet the end time girls are on their way




ahen back to you madam great god if mother inlaws respect themselves and plant their a55es where they were married the issue of mil versus dil issues won't arise. You remember the yoruba proverb that says ati okere lore ti ma niyin.not only friends too but family learning like mils. If mils just see their dil from a distance and respecting boundaries mil vs dil won't arise. Ok take for instance if I come to your house without informing you first that I will come. You can let it go the first and second time but if it's recurring disrespect will start to creep in because built up resentment will start and like 7up locked up and vigorously shaken after some time will explode and all hell will be let loose



another issue is omo mummy. Has the body of an adult but the brain of an 8year old. My mummy said we should do this, my mummy said we should go here. Cannot put his home in order and set boundaries. Instead of trying to settle the issue in such a way sanity and mutual respect will be restored he will be taking sides because his brain is under his mother's armpit. The man is the one who knows the mother better than the wife so he should not allow such questions to arise by not even leaving room for it




on a lighter note you have been scarce o.you go just pass me waka on nl you cannot say hi. This pride is too mush o

You said well but remember,
You can allow somebody into your ''HOUSE'' without allowing that person into your HOME.

taryour:
I really don't know why this thread is so difficult to comprehend to some folks here o. The logic is simple. " If you can not marry a man loving his mother the same way you love your own mother then please DO NOT marry the man "

Afterall its not like we all grew up without having quarrels and arguments with our own mothers even our grandmothers. We all has mothers will also become mother inlaws one day.

You should learn to tolerate things once you are married cause a whole lot will come your way, however you handle determines your happiness and rest of mind.


Even in worse scenarios there are still more sensible and matured ways to iron things out,rather than telling a man to choose between his mother and his wife. Its never possible cause he would choose his mother and this will just hurt the wife more so what's the point.

Its so so dis respecting, that's the height of F00lishness. No matter how frustrating she is,she isn't going to leave with you forever na just hold on for that short while and learn to love her the way she is.

Please are you married and with a mother inlaw?
If you were the young woman whose MIL poured hot soup on her because the soup didn't have salt and the same MIL flogged her,would you be saying this?
In a normal situation greatgod's advise will fly but those words about choosing don't occur in those normal situations and that is what those who don't buy what you are saying are trying to stress
There are men who know from birth that their mothers are difficult,it is their duty to protect that wife from that mother they know too well.

No gf or wife can come btw my sisters, mum and i. God never create dat kind of Eve.

tivta:
ok oh. Sha just remember, karma is real. Peace.

The ancient concept of karma found in Hinduism and other traditions is far more complex than simply "what goes around, comes around". So Uncle tivta, forget that karma is real thingy.

In my opinion, when a man marries, his wife becomes his first priority. If a man is not ready for that commitment, then he should stay away from marriage. No be by force. Peace!

Vickybee:

It seems all the guys on this thread(both married & unmarried) want to love their mummy than wife.

Well, it's girls that are getting theirselves worked up on trivial issues.

If I notice that my husband love his mother more than me and consult him before taking decisions, I'll love my daddy more than him too and consult him before taking decisions.

The feeling is mutual.

no vex nw.. Lol

Vickybee:

It seems all the guys on this thread(both married & unmarried) want to love their mummy than wife.

Well, it's girls that are getting theirselves worked up on trivial issues.

If I notice that my husband love his mother more than me and consult him before taking decisions, I'll love my daddy more than him too and consult him before taking decisions.

The feeling is mutual.

Including those whose mothers fight and tear wrapper and pant in the yard and market places

babyosisi:


Please are you married and with a mother inlaw?
If you were the young woman whose MIL poured hot soup on her because the soup didn't have salt and the same MIL flogged her,would you be saying this?
In a normal situation greatgod's advise will fly but those words about choosing don't occur in those normal situations and that is what those who don't buy what you are saying are trying to stress
There are men who know from birth that their mothers are difficult,it is their duty to protect that wife from that mother they know too well.

So if those Men fail or find it very difficult to control their mother, then the DIL should use that world?

Right from the second we exchanged our vows, my wife became the first in any set of options....

Our God is not an author of confusion; as taught by the Bible, married couples should see themselves as one..how possible is it then for a person to choose someone else over himself?

The above logic does not imply that I do not have good parents as stated by someone up there. My parents are fantastic; they did a very good job bringing me up but no one can come before my wife. Simple.

I think situations like the OP narrated should be handled with wisdom without compromising your stance by reason of your marital vows.

A good wife or husband would not let issues deteriorate to the point where a spouse would have to make a choice between him/her and a parent.

May God help us all...

crackhaus:

You never disappoint me with your comments, always linear and one-directional

You keep talking of boundaries forgetting that a woman is not the only one with a MIL in a marriage, her husband also has a MIL who in turn is her own mother. . .and I'm guessing you won't like a man talking boundaries about his wife's mother like she was some kind of stranger or something.

You should also ask yourself why you don't get to see/hear more husbands having issues with their MILs as much as wives having such with theirs.
What do you presume the difference to be?

This is basically because women don't like each other

chisco82:

So if those Men fail or find it very difficult to control their mother, then the DIL should use that world?

You are being simplistic

If a man sees his mother acting badly,he should separate his wife from her by sending her back to her house.
Failing to do that is a failure on the husband's part to run his home

The only advice I can give is that married people should be wary of the tales they tell their parents and siblings of their spouses.

These bad stories help form their opinions hence their behaviors.

TONYE001:
Right from the second we exchanged our vows, my wife became the first in any set if options....

Our God is not an author of confusion; as taught by the Bible, married couples should see themselves as one..how possible is it then for a person to choose someone else over himself?

The above logic does not imply that I do not have good parents as stated by someone up there. My parents are fantastic; they did a very good job bringing me up but no one can come before my wife. Simple.

I think situations like the OP narrated should be handled with wisdom without compromising your stance by reason of your marital vows.

A good wife or husband would not let issues deteriorate to the point where a spouse would have to make a choice between him/her and a parent.

May God help us all...

The wisest out of the bunch of men on this thread
Perhaps the only one that understands the Role of a man and hubby

There will always be a special part of my heart reserved for my mother that my wife can never occupy.

A husband can divorce his wife but his mother is forever his mother. Nothing like ex-mum.

babyosisi:


You are being simplistic

If a man sees his mother acting badly,he should separate his wife from her by sending her back to her house.
Failing you do that is a failure on husband part to run his home

easy for you to say this.....
you especially would be worse than patience ozokwor when your son gets married.....

Khabuqi:


And easy to do

hmm...sometimes I don't understand why we lie alot to ourselves on wedding day claiming to love our inlaws when we don't .

just Imagine my mum writing a letter to me on a visit and I will first have to ask for a clearance from my wife before she comes? ?? do you know how this woman suffered for me to be Where I am today? when i had issue with my leg,for complete 3yrs this woman backed me when I couldn't walk. and so many other things I can't say here.

I can barge in on my mum at any time and she will be glad to see me and why can't she do thesame too?

I believe if there is true love 10 ppl can live in a room meant for 5ppl. it's love that's absent in most homes today that's why fights come up between inlaws