flow long time, I just came back from my sabbatical leave on ur work. guy my family wan drive me out of my house because of laugh. Guy good work and hope u can do a comedy movie with ur work. how PH now? hail all the guys for me and hope u got a job now? beat of luck......

Dear Obinnua, ishilove and HumbledbYGrace,
This is literature and writers can write expressing sound, smell, and feelings by exclamation. Therefore i see no reason why the anti-spam should ban me for trying to express sound in exclamation.
Inasmuch as i respect you guys, i was really sad, and i know my fans thought i refused to update intentionally. I pledge to still write expressing exclamation of sound, so do something about it.
Yours Sincerly,
Flow.

[quote author=flow1759 post=32482427]Dear Obinnua, ishilove and HumbledbYGrace,
This is literature and writers can write expressing sound, smell, and feelings by exclamation. Therefore i see no reason why the anti-spam should ban me for trying to express sound in exclamation.
Inasmuch as i respect you guys, i was really sad, and i know my fans thought i refused to update intentionally. I pledge to still write expressing exclamation of sound, so do something about it.
Yours Sincerly,
Flow.
Seconded

flow1759:
Dear Obinnua, ishilove and HumbledbYGrace,
This is literature and writers can write expressing sound, smell, and feelings by exclamation. Therefore i see no reason why the anti-spam should ban me for trying to express sound in exclamation.
Inasmuch as i respect you guys, i was really sad, and i know my fans thought i refused to update intentionally. I pledge to still write expressing exclamation of sound, so do something about it.
Yours Sincerly,
Flow.

Did you offend them or they are beefing you

Bleep antispambot and her uncl

Anti spam bot thank you for banning me. Good bless you.

I disagree with the theory of anti spam bot...

I smell hatred against flow from some mods...

Anyway free our flow or else

Otukpa why?




Fourteen days after October 4th was the end of a beginning, and the beginning of an end.


“Where are you going to?” I nearly collided with Otukpa’s boss.

“me?” I asked.

“no, not you, me!”

“I said where are you going to?”

“nowhere oh”

“nowhere and you carried bucket into my compound?”

“no sir, I wan go piss” I answered.

“piss in my compound?”

“no sir, piss in the bucket” I replied.



“Emma!!” He called.

“Emma!!”

“Yes sir!!” Emma appeared.

“do you know this guy?” He asked.

“this guy! I don’t know him oh” Otukpa my friend denied me.





“get the dogs!!” He ordered.


As I heard "get the dogs", I searched for gear and speed up to the gate. But when I got the gate, I found no exist way.


I all of a sudden started pleading with the gate to open on it’s own. It did open, but that was after one of the Dogs came so close to biting my leg.





I will never forget drowning in a pool of poo in 1999 when i was the goal keeper of the White sand junior boys football club.


I was in junior Secondary school by then and there was this football competition in the cantonment for young boys my age. I permit myself to call it traditional football not only because we played it on bare foot, but because the laurels were funny.


The cup for the winning team was a condemned electric bulb wrapped with gold leaf from Cigarette pack. Not as funny as the medals that were crown c’ocks tied with stove wig and wrapped with gold leaf.


But what I liked about the competition was the price money for the winning team; a whooping 400 naira for the team and 20 naira for each player on submission of the medal the following day.












I will never forget losing my medal to fire just because of Akara.


“Mama Akara, make I help you blow fire make you give Akara”

“ok, blow am for me” She agreed.

The medal I was given was so long that it reached my navel.

It was a trend in the cantonment that winners of any football competition wore their medals always until it is submitted back to the organizers just because of the girls.

As I bent down to blow air into the fire, my medal was on fire.


The gold leaf burnt so fast with the aid of the stove wig giving me tribal marks on my stomach.


I lost the 20 naira that was given to my team mates the following evening at our home stadium - the White sand Stadium because I couldn’t explain what happened to my medal.











We were the defending champion of the competition, so as part of measures to make sure we retained the trophy, Deblani our coach asked me to be at the goal post.

I refused initially, but on seeing that our main keeper was absent, and the match was crucial, I agreed forfeiting my left mid-field position for Tobi Eto, even though I looked like an Ant in the goal post.

Jeoseme the captain of the other team was a good dribbler, and a good scorer too.

“Abu you no go tack Joeseme?!” I was fidgety.

Abu was a real "minus one" in the match, because his defending skills were far from him in that match, i know not why.

The hot shot Joeseme fired landed on the bar, and I thanked my lucky stars it didn’t land of my face; I would had gone blind; and deaf too.

In such football competitions, some spectators were utilized as the ball boys.


“Kayode, go bring the ball na” He was the only one that stood behind the bar jogging because the coach had promised he would be coming in next.


“I no dey bring any ball!!” He said.

“abeg na!” I pleaded.

I pleaded not because I couldn’t go fetch it myself, or because the ball was too far beyond my reach, I pleaded because of where the ball was.


Mama Kehinde’s shop was where the ball was, and to make matters worse, there was no one at the shop save Mama Kehinde the fat pig to kick the ball towards my direction.


If you bought a good round leather at that time, you will surely understand why the organizers of the competition had just one ball; and a good and strong ball it was, I must say.

Really strong!!

I will never forget the same ball almost rendering me “ball-less”.

“pass ball here!!” I said to Timo my team mate one Saturday afternoon while we practiced before our next match.

He, instead of passing the ball softly, passed it like thunder.

And the round leather landed on my b’alls.

“yeee! I don die oh, my b’lockus!!”

I fell to the ground in slow motion, and cried a river.

Every part of the body is somehow connected to the brain, that was the day I understood the fact in that statement.

My medulla oblongata spun like a big wheel, and I saw fishes swam round my head.

To make matters worse, that night, my mum massaged my b’alls with one strange ointment that rendered me bow legged.











“mama Kehinde help me kick the ball” I almost said.


In Mama Kehinde’s compound “lived” two Lions; no, a Lion and a Hyena.

If wises were roses, I would had wished the ball came to me and not me going to it.

“Kayus!! Keyus!! No vex na, coach go put you for match, just help me go bring the ball” Something told me that he too was scared of going to fetch the ball because of the dogs.

The referee whistled signifying that I fetched the ball fast, yet I walked majestically to fetch it.

I succeeded in picking up the ball even though it took ages, but as I turned to return, Skido chased me.




The faster I ran , the closer, Skido was to me.

If I never met Waterloo that day, then the devil had failed in my case.

I had succeeded in running round the field , so I resumed another lap to the backyard.


The sewage system of the cantonment at that time was what I would rather call “a Pool of poo”.

The biggest Pool of poo was that of The Anyakoyas; reason being that pooing was their hobbies; especially their first son Dasiya.


Like an Olympic swimmer, I dived into the Anyakoya's pool of poo and sank wishing Skido wouldn't do the same.

Soon I was drowning.

And I also swallowed some of the “custard”.

The same Dasiya that was the highest contributor of the “custard” in the pool came to rescue me with a lather.









“so Otukpa use Dog pursue you for them compound?” I had told Snow and Junior what transpired.

“yes na!! If you see as the boy deny say him no know me ehn?” I was bitter.

“their gate tear me as I try to escape sef” I showed them were I injured.

“no worry, we go treat that guy f’uck up!” Snow assured.

Mayorblaze:
I disagree with the theory of anti spam bot...

I smell hatred against flow from some mods...

Anyway free our flow or else

I am free.

But i know "anti spam bot" will ban me for the next update because it will be exclamation filled................... and Funny too.

Weldone oga plow lol

Flow abeg 2 update 2mao...

Can't wait to know what happen to otukpa

woe betide me if i no commend your writing skills mr. flow u too gbaski but the numerous twists contained in each update is way too misleading n confusing. i hope you do something about it boss
very hilarious it is

obinnau, seun, mynd, ishilove this should be in the frontpage pls. its long overdue.
udo'o!

Flow where are u? Abi the spambot has banned you again?

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Free Flow and ban me abeg!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Chimaritoponcho:
woe betide me if i no commend your writing skills mr. flow u too gbaski but the numerous twists contained in each update is way too misleading n confusing. i hope you do something about it boss
very hilarious it is

obinnau, seun, mynd, ishilove this should be in the frontpage pls. its long overdue.
udo'o!

Nice observation, I will do something about that. That is if antispambot will let me be

Mayorblaze:
Flow where are u? Abi the spambot has banned you again?

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Free Flow and ban me abeg!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

e ban me oh. I think this is the 11th time this year

flow1759:


e ban me oh. I think this is the 11th time this year

lol... And me neva chop ban, eventhough i derail thread, i write censored words like janjaw33d, ediot etc ..

Ishilove oya dash me 2 days ban abeg

Mayorblaze:


lol... And me neva chop ban, eventhough i derail thread, i write censored words like janjaw33d, ediot etc ..

Ishilove oya dash me 2 days ban abeg

Hahaha why ban dey hungry you like dis nah?

princesssusan:

Hahaha why ban dey hungry you like dis nah?

i wan get the feeling....

I dislike being without a crime record

Mayorblaze:


i wan get the feeling....

I dislike being without a crime record

Pple lyk will never be ban, bt if dey ban you nah then u go knw d difference

princesssusan:

Pple lyk will never be ban, bt if dey ban you nah then u go knw d difference

If i am banned for my next update, i am sorry to say, i might go mad. Really mad!


Because i know how many hours of my time it takes to cook up an update, and maybe just because of one word, i will be banned.


Those that matter in this Literature should say or do something about it.


I cant take it any longer.


I am really angry.


"e get some people wey dey type wetin bad pass my own, them no dey ban them"


That is why i often say Nairaland is full of cliques, of which i promise never to be a pert of.


Still i Flow.......... But.......................


There is a "but"

And I promised this story will be the best this year.

And promised to make this story the best amongst all my stories.

And i promised to put smile on faces, and laughter to the heart of so many.


I promise........

“guy how much you dey owe Angela?”

“mehn my own don reach 700 naira oh”

“my own na 750 naira”

I and Snow were unrepentant debtors and almost ran down her provision shop.


“Guy naso yesterday, as Angela smell beer for my mouth, naso she com talk say I never pay her her money wey I dey owe her but I dey get money to buy beeer drink” I narrated.

“But if na Otukpa, she go allow am make him owe her for six month” Snow said, “you sure say him no dey waya her?”

I doubted, owing to the fact Otukpa could not even satisfy a female monkey in bed, no to talk of a human being.

I will never forget Nnenna Chika’s elder sister telling us her ordeal in Otukpa’s room on night.


She said and I Quote: “when I enter him room, naso I lie down for bed dey wait for am make him com show me that him thing wey him dey make mouth say e big” Of a truth, otukpa had never failed to sing songs to our ears that every person from Benue state must carry a very big “stick”; thumbs up to Tuface Idibia.


“naso my guy go bath room go baf, com enter room tie only towel”

“and me, I dey hungry for the thing make i no lie”

“we know you na!” I commended her.

“and I don high well well that night” She continued.


“which kin drink una drink na?” Snow asked.

“na Red label” She answered almost immediately.

“as him remove the towel, wetin I see ehnnn!”

“wetin you see?” I asked awaiting to hear her say his “LongJohn” wasn’t as long as he bragged.

“the thing long ehnnn!”

“e long from here reach Sokoto”

“you mean am? I never see am before! I go like see this Otukpa thing wey him dey say big oh” Snow said, “how I go take see am na” How Snow asked some really funny questions.

“if you wan see am, anytime wey him wan go baf, follow am enter him bathroom you go see am!” I advised.



“naso as we wan start work, the thing wey long like iroko tree com reduce oh”

“ahan! Why na?” Snow was shocked.

“me I no know oh!” She replied.

“the thing com small like pencil”

“we begin hold fasting and prayer make the thing rise back oh” She said, “but for where!! The thing no rise back”

“naso I laugh am com comot for him room”

“so him no come do anything at last?” I asked.

“for where! Something wey small like wetin I never see before nahim him wan use put for this my big ocean” Nnenna was too raw for my liking.

“even fowl thing sef go big pass him own!” She added.

After the orchestra of laughter ended, I said something that made Snow alone continued laughing.

“Okuko!!” Was what I said.




I will never forget Sandra calling Snow an Okuko.

It was raining one night, and as the cool of the weather had it, Sex was crucial.

I was sleeping on the floor as usual, minding my business, trying to catch some sleep, and wishing the ever hungry sex goddess Gift was there with me if not for anything, just to drive away the cold.


Little did I know that Snow had started work; Night duty.

On the bed, I heard wrestle mania, and Snow’s leg mistakenly kicked me.

“Snow no be by force to do na, if she no wan do, you no go force her na!” I almost yelled.

“ok, I agree to do, take off your clothes” Sandra said, “take it all of!”


Snow stood up, fumbled as he took of his clothe.


Just then, some cool breeze blew in from outside, and I suspected the breeze was responsible for Snow predicament that night.

“ooooh baby!!” He whispered, “I am c,,uming!”.

“coming to where!!”

“I am c,,uming ooooh!!” He repeated.

“coming from where?” I almost asked him.

“I am c’’uming….”

“I am coming out straight this time, I’m coming out with the little of my own kind of piece of mind, am doing it my way this time……………”

He wanted to do it his way just like Tuface.




The next thing I heard was droplets of what I thought was water sprinkled on my leg.

“I know say our roof dey lick if rain dey fall, but no be for this side wey I dey sleep na!” I told myself.


The cats that ran on our roof every night made our ceiling licked at about four spots, one of which gushed as fast as water from a tap. We had complained and complained to the landlord who had promised and failed severally to fix it. So we did the needful whenever it rained; put bowls to collect the water.

I stretched my hand to where the droplets sprinkled to feel it.

Lo and behold, it was “Akamu”.

Snow had poured Akamu on me instead of on his girlfriend.

Immediately I confirmed it actually was Akamu he poured on me, laughter came and i tried my best possible not to laugh out loud.

I pretended I was fast asleep, closing my eyes and formed snoring.




Soon Sandra stood up to see the mess her boyfriend had made, and what came out of her mouth was; “see you, see your life!! Okuko”.


I held my mouth with my both hands trying to murder laughter.

“your mate dey enter before them release, you dey release before you enter” She fired, “na for road you dey release you own”

Laughter succeeded in murdering me that moment.

“why you dey laugh?”







“baby you and I know it’s because I have been drinking Vodka and Red label that is what caused me this!!” Snow made me laughed harder.

“na Vodka and Red label nahim make you pour Akamu for my body?” I interrupted, “ehnnn!! Rain maker!!”



He really made a lot of rain that some part of our rug was starched. Highly starched.

High starched because Snow had been starved of sex since Sandra traveled in October.












Since that day, whenever “Okuko” or “rain maker” was mentioned, Snow laughed no matter the condition he was in.






Next day, and It was Otukpa’s birthday.





We had planned how we would pay him with the coin he had been paying us with of lately when he chased me with Dogs out of their compound, when he slept with Junior’s girlfriend and not the least but the last when he destroyed Mr. Snow’s traveling bag and told him “go and die!” Like Adams Oshiomole said.







He thought we had forgiven him for all his wickedness to us.

Well, we had forgiven him, but like Tupac said: “Forgive but don’t forget” we had not forgotten. If we had, we wouldn’t be attending his birthday bash.

Thank God i wasn't banned for this update.


I sometimes wonder why i am banned. Why?

Flow u mean you've not been updating because of Bans??
For real?? What's there reason for the bans gan??

Mods pls Edit Flows work instead of Banning him

#Abeg!

Snow nwannem inwere swagg.bring it on bro.

Oga Flow
Ride on Sir
Update got me cracking tho

“Flow Nwanne!!”

“Snow nwanne!!” With time, "Nwanne" became our surnames.

“Otu baba!!” I hailed back.

“wetin dey happen na?”

“mehn, make una enter house, drink plenty!”




“ooooh!! This zinc don tear me again!” I yelled.

Otukpa was living in an old, rusted zinced, Bacha.


A Bacha is not the resting place of Late General Sani Abacha, It is simply a shanty settlement located in ghettos.

"There is always a Bacha in every settlement, even where the rich lives" Is a known fact. Permit me to say the Banana Islands of this world has Bachas, depending on your definition of such Bacha. Snow's friend Innocent lived in a Bacha yet he had in it Split unit Air conditioner, Plasma TV, Home theater sound system, and leather cushion.

Only in Port Harcourt will you see such bachelors.



Right opposite our compound stood a very gigantic Bacha estate that was called Nigerian Bacha.


In Nigerian Bacha, rats, cockroaches, cats and even rabbits lived in the same house with humans.




I will never forget Sandra sleeping with Mama Nse in her Bacha hut the night Snow angrily chased her out of his house for cheating on him.



“As I sleep for bed, I no know say na for on top plenty cockroach I sleep”

“when I shout, as Mama Nse see the Cockroach, she tell me make I sleep jor, say naso cockroach dey follow them live, say in fact cockroach dey follow them pay house rent”

“I kukuma sleep like that, but as I don sleep go far, naso I begin feel say something dey totori my republic”

“I been think say I dey sleep for Snow house and him hand nahim dey totori my republic oh”

“naso I come say – Snow darling!! Take it easy it is hurting me”

“the thing don dey waka wan enter inside my republic before I come jump up”


“hahahahahaha!! So you been no wear p’ant that night be that?” I asked.

“I no wear na, no, I wear, I don pull am keep for house before me and Snow com quarrel, and him com pursue me comot for him house” She narrated.

“but why you no go another person house? Na Mama Nse dirty house you go”

“Mama Nse nahim be my only friend for the whole of this street na, and na only she come carry me the time wey Snow slap me I com fall for ground” The ever English Speaking Sandra had all of a sudden changed to speaking pidgin.


Legend has it that people from Akwa Ibom State of Nigeria are the most settlers in Bacha. Legend also had it that Bacha settlement is conducive for matting, little wonder Mama Nse already had Fourteen children before her husband passed on.

Rumor had it that her husband died of extreme s'ex.

Like they say; "like mother, like daughter", Nse could be described beauty in thorns. So many thorns.








Nse!! Oh Nse!!

The only girl that made me walked on water and sank like Peter my name sake in Bible.



One morning, I went to Angela’s to buy toothbrush, and since it rained at night, I had to watch before I leaped as i walked.



“Angela I wan buy close up!!”

And coincidentally; “Angela, I want to buy toothpaste” Angel 1 said.


The inscription “Angel 1” written on her top wasn’t a mistake, it was rather an understatement. It would had been best “goddess 1” was inscribed.

“hello angel!! You want to buy toothpaste?” I asked.

“yes”

“wow! What a coincident, I too want to buy toothpaste” I brought my face close to hers, like she asked me for a kiss.

“hmmmmnnn!! Your mouth is smelling” She said.

In addition to the fact that I had not washed my mouth that morning, I had stolen fish from the pot of soup Sandra cooked the previous night.

“I know it is smelling!! Don’t you like smelling mouth?” I thought it wasn’t me that said that.

“I don’t!!” She eyed me and Angela laughed out loud.

“Stop laughing and give this Beautiful Angel Pisto” Toothpaste got another pronunciation in my mouth.

“Give her one Pisto, and give me too one Pisto” Pistol indeed. On staring at her fresh hot legs, my “pistol” was triggered.


“Mr Pisto, thank You for the toothpaste oh!!” All the while I thought what I was saying was “toothpaste”, that moment it dawned on me i had been saying gibberish.

Yet I answered, saying: “you are welcome pretty!!”

“look money wey you dey give me na?” I was giving Angela 50 naira note for 400 naira spent.

“sorry!! It is a mistake” I took my eyes of Nse. But not for too long.



The toothpaste she held dropped suddenly, and as she bent down to pick it, I too bent down in anticipation to see what was under the skirt she wore.

“oga Flow!! So you spoil like this!!” Angela tapped me, “you spoil pass your brother Snow sef”.


I collected my change, and as I took two steps out of Angela shop still staring at Nse even though she had gone far, I sank.



I sank into a gutter that swallowed from my waist below.


“Shame on you!!” Angela cursed.

“see your life, so na because of woman you fall for gutter” She helped me out.

“no na, no be because of woman, I no know say gutter dey there” But I saw that there was a gutter there while coming; a gutter full to the brim. Maybe I thought I could walk on water. Just Maybe!!










“why be say this zinc wey dey your door dey always tear me for hand anytime wey I dey enter your room?”

“na because the door no like you na?” Otukpa teased.



Inside Otukpa’s extra large Bacha room sat four beautiful ladies including Nnenna and Queen the house help of Mr Great Otukpa’s boss.

I crushed so much on Queen that I sat so far from her so she wouldn’t hear me fart.

Lately, a bottle of 1759 is equivalent to 2 earth quaking farts, I just couldn’t tell why. Maybe it was because of the junks I ate. Just maybe.









I had drank four bottles of 1759 when Snow tapped me, “Na you hold the thing?”

“no oh, na Junior!”

“see Junior there!” I pointed.

“Junior!!”

“junior!!” Snow called.

“where that thing?” He asked.



The “thing” Snow asked of was dried pepper, Cabin Biscuit, and Igboh ground together to powder.



Legend has it that this powder poured into any alcoholic drink, and a sip of it could make someone go mad instantly.







That was what we wished our dear friend Otukpa on his birthday.

JigsawKillah:
Oga Flow
Ride on Sir
Update got me cracking tho

That's my aim

Ndukings92:
Snow nwannem inwere swagg.bring it on bro.

I love all my readers. All of you!!