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urg by Kindheartedd: 4:07am On Apr 16, 2019
...

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Re: urg by donybrainy: 4:15am On Apr 16, 2019
Don’t worry.. since I made FTC on your post. ur problem will be solved trust me. How to make FTC was my problem too

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Re: urg by Chubhie: 5:17am On Apr 16, 2019
Your husband needs to learn personal responsibility and empathy. These are the things that makes us human.

You guys should sit down and discuss the 'I married you to work for me' part.

Marriage is a burden when unbalanced and fun when mutually shared.

You need to learn to stand up for yourself. Not in a confrontational way. Have respect for yourself. That you were once abused is not a valid reason to reinforce it. What have you learnt so far? Do you put yourself in such disadvantage that people tend to take advantage of you? Does it have to do with your lack of ability to make good choices?

It's time to reflect and put all the lessons of your learning to work positively for you.

You guys must sit and jaw jaw and mutually agree to work as a team if this project is to work for all parties involved.

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Re: urg by Chuks9000: 5:20am On Apr 16, 2019
I personally don't like proud people. He seems to be one.
1. Please explain what you mean by "he believes outsiders more".
2. Like the comment above, he married you to work for him should work in your favour.
He must be ready to foot the bill (as per the oga at the top), get a laundry person and lesson teacher(s). This will unburden you. They can work when you are home.
3. Whatever he wants, don't coerce him otherwise. Your house is not CNN news room seen by all. If he leaves his shoes in the kitchen, just do eyes right. If he doesn't take his bath, no show for him. He wants to be a new church member all the time, you choose one and stick to it.
4. Marriage is a gamble. If your personalities are complimentary, then thank God. If it is otherwise, you now need to develop your tolerance level and also improve on your communication skills.
5. Communication skills for marriage is key. If you address him with annoyance in your belly, his reaction will result in more fuel to help burn that fire. He is not your child and you ain't his. Learn to talk with respect without expecting anything in return. Change begins with the "changee".
6. We can not have it all. Ask him if he knows Dangote, Otedola, etc. If he yes, ask him why a husband that calls his wife a mat has not become a Dangote? He should invest enough trust and resources to allow you run the home the way he wants. This point is meant to make him realise it could be a "kettle calling pot black" situation.
7. Marriage is an institution that never produces graduates. We are constantly learning ...

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Re: urg by TonyeBarcanista(m): 5:28am On Apr 16, 2019
I believe if your husband was to write his own he'll paint himself as the innocent good guy just like you painted yourself as the hardworking and supportive angel with zero fault.

Now my question is, What other information are you holding back?

I'm sorry but as a policy I don't comment on issues by listening to just one side of a story. Ask your man to type his own side and let us critically and holistically address this.

41 Likes 3 Shares

Re: urg by MistadeRegal(m): 5:35am On Apr 16, 2019
I think all these are due to lack of understanding and tolerance.
When you both understand each other, you'd have lesser or even no problems at all.
Just my opinion though.

3 Likes

Re: urg by MrBrownJay1(m): 5:51am On Apr 16, 2019
Kindheartedd:

1.The doesnt assist in any way at home. If I ask for help, he will shout at me and ask where is my help? He even said the girl should be leaving 10pm, she is married and assist her mother in law in the market.

you cant change a man that has never helped in the past, but if he cant help then let him chip in for the full day houseboy/housegirl. so get a help that can stay longer, et voila!

2. We have a washing machine, my husband doesnt know how to operate it, I have taught him several times, I wash his cloths before getting the machine, when I newly got it, I load it with his clothes without issues, cos I don't have kids then. Now, I have kids, I wash daily. All I ask him to do is to load the machine with his clothes, he said loading it is not a task and that I should always do it. I have two laundry baskets, you can never find his dirty clothes in them! He hangs them. I always remove from hangers whenever I want to wash, i have complained alot of times but na lie.

again, this is how this man is, instead of trying to change him, find ways to work WITH HIM... put a basket in front of his closet and instruct/ ask him to put is dirty clothes there. when you are set to do a laundry, just get the basket, et voila!

He is not grateful for helping him wash his clothes, all he will say is it's not a task and that he sees me as a jobless woman, that he goes to work and I should wash and iron his clothes. If it's no task, why can't he do it himself? Am complaining because, I hadly sleep due to work, am stressed, do your own laundry yourself! He believes am at home so I have all the time to do his laundry, but no, I work too. Weekends, he spend his time with either his phone, or with the estate people. Why cant he use this time to do his laundry? I work weekends and he sees the way I take my laptop go kitchen atimes. He sees the way I lock myself in the room to attend to tasks. It doesnt mean the kids or him will stay hungry! I balance my home by all means.

grateful?! for what exactly?! you guys got married and this is what you use to do (he didnt do it himself, although he could), and as much as now you may be "busier", this man expect you to still do what you did in the past. if you cant handle being a wife/mother AND having a job then maybe you should try getting outside help or quitting your job. sadly, your man believes it is your duty to cook/clean and take care of the kids, and such African mindset is impossible to change, so stop stressing about it and find ways around it.

3:Any dirty cloth not hanged is left in the living room. Infact, 99.9% are left in the leaving until I complain about it. I pick them up most times.

how long have you guys been together? its obvious that the "adult child" you called a husband is not gonna change... stop stressing about issues that are beyond your control.

4. No matter how much there is heat, he will never take his bath at night. Weekends is worst, he can remain smelling till monday morning.

a dirty person is a dirty person and there is not much you can do to change that... didnt you know he was stinky when you guys were dating?
hard to believe....

5. He is abusive, I grow up in an abusive home, it doesn't mean I still love abuse. I still haven't gotten use to abuse. Listen, my husband has told me before that my certificate is useless (i started work before marriage, well as a contract staff not earning well then but it was still over 100k), fine not where I wanted to be but I shouldn't get that from him. Your father wasted money on you, you can't be part of a board meeting, you are a mat, you will be laid, when i used to work in an office on shift, he hate seeing me at home relaxing while he go to work and return, I will hear the unmentionable that day.
It got to a point I told him, look if am at home on week days, see it as my weekend cos you are at home during the weekends and I go to work.

before you expect someone to respect you, you have to respect yourself.... the 1st time this man abused you, you should have made it clear that you would NEVER tolerate such treatment. if you guys dated and you saw signs of verbal abuse but didnt do/say anything then blame yourself for that. now after years of disrespect/abuse etc, you expect this abusive/disrespectful man to change and look at you differently?! sadly again, let me be the bearer of bad new: THIS MAN WILL NEVER CHANGE!

He doesnt believe me, he believes what outsiders say, I dont lie to him and never had trust issue with him so I see no reason why he wont believe me. This one really is not my pain cos I see it's a background thing.

no respect for you, no trust for you.... why did you guys get married for? why do you guys even stay together?

What what what more can I say? 'I married you to work for me so you must work', I hear strange things from him and I am baffled if this is how men talk rudely and discouteously to their wives.

you made your bed, so sleep in it. thats the man you married and live happily ever after with...

During kids exams last term, I was so busy and asked he help revise with the kids, he said never what is the work of the teachers? He believes kids in private schools shouldnt read or have extra classes or have their parent revise/teach them at home because he pays much fees and should automatically pass to the next class no matter the grade. This made us argued like street spouses. His school of thought is awkward, we don't agree in so many ways.

the issue here is very simple....you guys are just too different, and i have to ask the important question: why did you guys even get to date each other, let alone like each other to think of getting married?

as for the school issue, have you ever thought that maybe he DOESNT KNOW? many people out there have an education but are NOT INTELLIGENT (no offense) therefore i would understand why a man would find excuses as to not helping kids with an upcoming test.

as for him believing that even a dumb child should pass, simply because they are in private school, i have to say: your husband is "special" to say the least (and stay polite)

He doesnt stay in one church, he likes being a first timer every sunday. Now we have kids!!!!!, how can we move from church to church every sunday? Alot of issues, am tired!!!!

shouldnt you have thought of that before you guy have kids? i guess, the same excuse he gives you every time he changes church, is what should be told to the kids, when getting to new churches.

Ask of I don't talk back at him? Yes, when I discovered he is the abusive type, I don't spare him again, I madly shout back and return his insults most of the time now. We have just fought again, my baby is having cold, and while am trying to apply first aid he started shouting at me, meanwhile when I brought her in he was pretenting to be sleeping. That a child is down is stress for the mother, why adding shout?

you guys have succeeded in creating a family environment where shouting/abuse/stress/disrespect and all other negativity, is the way to go. why would you even think that these failed behaviors would change when baby is sick?!

Atimes i sit and weep, if I remember the pain of the past and his wahala, if not that I am a total believer in God, I would have lost it. I did my msc in finance and all I got daily from him was ' you went to read finance because your friend so so did msc finance' , it was until I told him with proof that the friend never did msc in finance he stopped.

today there is not much you can do about the issue of abuse/disrespect etc because you let it go on for so long without addressing the issue, and now sadly it is way too late for this man to look at you in any way positive whatsoever.

He always believe he is right, you are the fool.
The only good thing that has kept us is forgiveness and he apologize always, I forgive him whenever he apologize, but the next minute, he will do and say the worst.

isnt it obvious to you that this man only "says" he is sorry, but does NOT mean it?! before you forgive someone, you should 1st make sure that they truly are sorry...

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Re: urg by Kendumazy(m): 6:07am On Apr 16, 2019
You are the problem here pertaining to the issue of task in the home. Your husband said he cannot assist you, he has made mentioned of allowing the help go by 10pm which means you look for another help that can do a full day work. See, there are lots of people who uses their money to buy convenience for themselves. I can't spend most of my time working and got the money and won't be able to spend the money on my convenience, there are men like that. For the housechores, just look for another help. For the abusive parts, look at where you also go wrong and try to work out a balance from there. You guys can discuss this together.
Don't compare your husband with that of someone else, if you were opportuned to see what goes down in someone else marriage that you are envying, you will thank your star.

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Re: urg by careytommy37(m): 6:12am On Apr 16, 2019
donybrainy:
Don’t worry.. since I made FTC on your post. ur problem will be solved trust me. How to make FTC was my problem too

Re: urg by boldx(m): 6:13am On Apr 16, 2019
I do not comment on marriage issues. for your information, I have been married long enough and I can authoritatively say that:

Your husband needs to grow up cos he is still a boy for the following reasons:

1) Why will he not bring his clothes out to be washed (Children do the same)

2) Why will he not have his bath over the weekend even on hot nights (Children don't like taking their bath)

3) Why will he regard you, his wife as a floor mat for God's sake? He thinks too much of himself. He is petty and does not bother if he hurts his wife emotionally.

4) He MAY BE comparing you with other ladies that go to work. That's not fair. You have a different work schedule.

5) Why will he apologize after being mean and abusive. He is irrational and only gets sober when he realises his mistakes. Matured people think before they say anything.

6) Why won't he give his children academic tasks to do once in a while even if they have teachers in school.There is nothing wrong with that.

7) Your husband is an attention seeker. Going to a new church every Sunday! Is he looking for a perfect church ?

Mr Man, if you are reading this. you need to talk to yourself over and over again. Even if you are above 40, you lack emotional balance.

Thank you.

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Re: urg by faithfull18(f): 6:16am On Apr 16, 2019
This sounds so much like someone I know but why do people believe if you aren't dressed to a special place allocated as an ' office' then you are jobless even if you are earning better staying at home. This mentality is nauseating.

Your husband has got a lot of issues which stems from upbringing. The reality is people like this hardly change even when they know and want to, the character/attitude displayed on a daily is already hard coded into his DNA, it will take the grace of God and a conscious decision/effort for a change to happen.

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Re: urg by DonHummer(m): 6:20am On Apr 16, 2019
Your husband believes you have all the time in the world since you are working from home. and I don't think that mentality will change anytime soon. you really have to let him see how challenging your freelancing job is. ( and hope you contribute significantly to the financial needs @ home too) so that he would appreciate your efforts. Any man who leaves for work from 7 to 9 on weekly basis will really want to rest on a weekend. I would advice you give more job functions to your help and increase her pay since obviously you guys can afford it. Quarrels doesn't help anybody, there are some characteristic you can't change in mature beings( like the issue with his cloths), it could be a long term habit and trying to change it now will just be headache for you. To be sincere you guys don't have issues, money can solve most of this problems you mentioned. Handle it with wisdom dont let pride and temper get a better of you guys..
Try and have more conversations with other married women/men, then you would realise you're guys don't have problem. The only problem here is that you guys different "mentality" which you should have noticed during courtship.

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Re: urg by femi4: 6:24am On Apr 16, 2019
Your man is not ready to assist you. Why not get an house help to make life easier for you. He's a lazy type and a lazy man is a dirty man

Since he's the type that's abusive, don't nag him.
If he refuses to take his birth, its his body. You just have to accommodate some of his excesses to avoid confrontation all the time.

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Re: urg by infogenius(m): 7:03am On Apr 16, 2019
I will respond shortly.
This one na small matter
Re: urg by davenaija: 7:14am On Apr 16, 2019
Cc: Royalroy, how can this thread be moved to Fp so we can have more inputs and more families with similar issues can gain a thing or two and improve on their marriages.
Re: urg by kross01(m): 7:25am On Apr 16, 2019
As much as i do not believe all you wrote here, i can easily deduce that your hubby is really not a grown man and does not, i repeat, does not know what it means to be the man of the house. Now if he really will be reading this, let him hear this from me; in my own house, i do the laundry, infact, i don't even know if my wife still knows how to use the machine. What does it cost me? Load clothes into a machine, press some buttons and go sit down somewhere else, what else? I work, my wife works too but i tell you, its only on sundays and some saturdays that my wife bathes our son, i bath him every other day morning and evening. Infact i can tell you for free that my son takes to me more than he does to my wife. Oga sometimes i come back from work and i ask my wife to go sit down while i cook for the whole house. Do we still have issues after all these, sure we do, its part of marriage. The friction is what polishes and brings out the bright shining joy of marriage but till then you must do what you have to do. I believe your hubby's case is a problem of upbringing, i started assuming responsibilities at a very tender age and man you must love your kids. I don't even allow anyone do for my son what i can do for him except i am not around. How can sleep cross my eyes when my child is uncomfortable, how? Oga you need serious reformatting, as in purge your present OS and get your brain a new OS. Savour every moment you have with your family especially your kids, let them have a sweet memory of you always.

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Re: urg by Samshumy: 7:25am On Apr 16, 2019
Your husband loves master and slave relationship and it’s not a bad thing either way. It’s not a serious issue, try and get another househelp who can stay till 8pm or around such. The only thing your husband needs to do is to reduce the way he talks rudely to you even though i also love such character and i exhibit such lol

This is for the husband...please do not start what you can’t finish, you can wash your clothes only. Don’t help in any house chores no matter how small because the day you stop doing the house chores, there will be arguments and misunderstanding. So don’t do any chores. I repeat don’t do any chores. You can wash your own clothes only but don’t let anyone blackmail you into doing chores because you’re a man. But stop the way you talk to the wife rudely

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Re: urg by Ayodejewel(f): 7:38am On Apr 16, 2019
I just think it's difficult for your husband to understand how hard it is to combine work and chores. I think you need to 'communicate' with him instead of 'talk to him' about it. Make him see why you need his assistance whenever he can render one. It's just sad when husband and wife aren't getting along so well

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Re: urg by davenaija: 8:27am On Apr 16, 2019
Kindhearted can we spice things up a bit?

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Re: urg by LadySarah: 8:46am On Apr 16, 2019
I used to be baffled when a man hangs his dirty clothes neatly in the wardrobe grin,chai so no be one person for this world?

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Re: urg by EkoErrands: 9:01am On Apr 16, 2019
Kindheartedd:
I actually told him I'll create a thread and he agreed because we need other people's view on an issue or even issues.

We have some small small issues that causes arguement regularly. I will describe my daily routine and his.

Me: I am a mother of two active kids (twins), I only have someone who assist me for two hours. Her duties are to; sweep, mop, wash dishes, and clean the house, she doesn't bath the kids becuase I do not want accident. She doesnt cook or go to market for me. She lives my place from 10am; immediately she's done with cleaning she lives.

I'm a freelancer, so I work from home. I have long term clients I work for so am as good as fully employed. Infact, I currently have two jobs, one is full time ie 40 hours a week, and the other is partime but still a daily work. Because of the work load, I had to get someone to assist after training her to do the job. She work for about 4 hours daily while I resolved bigger issues she can't for 4 hours. Atimes she is out pf power and I do the work all day. (She work from her home in a different state).

After getting my kids ready for school, I immediately sit to start work and I work till they return from school, I take like 30mins break to attend to them (food, UnCloth and dress them up), don't forget this time my help has gone. Once am done, zoom to work. I close atimes, 5pm, if it's a morning duty I finish 2:30pm and the other job I do it randomly till 8pm. Between these work hours, I will cook, wash, sweep again (with the presence of kids one must sweep always - personally, I hate seeing my house look untidy or see crumbs of food on the floor, lil ones will always eat and scatter stuffs)

Hubby: He goes to work from past 7am and return 9pm or 10pm. He goes to work weekends atimes and most times he is fully around weekends.

The issues:

1.
The doesnt assist in any way at home. If I ask for help, he will shout at me and ask where is my help? He even said the girl should be leaving 10pm, she is married and assist her mother in law in the market.

2. We have a washing machine, my husband doesnt know how to operate it, I have taught him several times, I wash his cloths before getting the machine, when I newly got it, I load it with his clothes without issues, cos I don't have kids then. Now, I have kids, I wash daily. All I ask him to do is to load the machine with his clothes, he said loading it is not a task and that I should always do it. I have two laundry baskets, you can never find his dirty clothes in them! He hangs them. I always remove from hangers whenever I want to wash, i have complained alot of times but na lie.

He is not grateful for helping him wash his clothes, all he will say is it's not a task and that he sees me as a jobless woman, that he goes to work and I should wash and iron his clothes. If it's no task, why can't he do it himself? Am complaining because, I hadly sleep due to work, am stressed, do your own laundry yourself! He believes am at home so I have all the time to do his laundry, but no, I work too. Weekends, he spend his time with either his phone, or with the estate people. Why cant he use this time to do his laundry? I work weekends and he sees the way I take my laptop go kitchen atimes. He sees the way I lock myself in the room to attend to tasks. It doesnt mean the kids or him will stay hungry! I balance my home by all means.

3:Any dirty cloth not hanged is left in the living room. Infact, 99.9% are left in the leaving until I complain about it. I pick them up most times.

4. No matter how much there is heat, he will never take his bath at night. Weekends is worst, he can remain smelling till monday morning.

5. He is abusive, I grow up in an abusive home, it doesn't mean I still love abuse. I still haven't gotten use to abuse. Listen, my husband has told me before that my certificate is useless (i started work before marriage, well as a contract staff not earning well then but it was still over 100k), fine not where I wanted to be but I shouldn't get that from him. Your father wasted money on you, you can't be part of a board meeting, you are a mat, you will be laid, when i used to work in an office on shift, he hate seeing me at home relaxing while he go to work and return, I will hear the unmentionable that day.

It got to a point I told him, look if am at home on week days, see it as my weekend cos you are at home during the weekends and I go to work.

He doesnt believe me, he believes what outsiders say, I dont lie to him and never had trust issue with him so I see no reason why he wont believe me. This one really is not my pain cos I see it's a background thing.

What what what more can I say? 'I married you to work for me so you must work', I hear strange things from him and I am baffled if this is how men talk rudely and discouteously to their wives. During kids exams last term, I was so busy and asked he help revise with the kids, he said never what is the work of the teachers? He believes kids in private schools shouldnt read or have extra classes or have their parent revise/teach them at home because he pays much fees and should automatically pass to the next class no matter the grade. This made us argued like street spouses. His school of thought is awkward, we don't agree in so many ways. He doesnt stay in one church, he likes being a first timer every sunday. Now we have kids!!!!!, how can we move from church to church every sunday? Alot of issues, am tired!!!!

Ask of I don't talk back at him? Yes, when I discovered he is the abusive type, I don't spare him again, I madly shout back and return his insults most of the time now. We have just fought again, my baby is having cold, and while am trying to apply first aid he started shouting at me, meanwhile when I brought her in he was pretenting to be sleeping. That a child is down is stress for the mother, why adding shout?

Atimes i sit and weep, if I remember the pain of the past and his wahala, if not that I am a total believer in God, I would have lost it. I did my msc in finance and all I got daily from him was ' you went to read finance because your friend so so did msc finance' , it was until I told him with proof that the friend never did msc in finance he stopped.

He always believe he is right, you are the fool.

The only good thing that has kept us is forgiveness and he apologize always, I forgive him whenever he apologize, but the next minute, he will do and say the worst.


No insults, please matured adults, married and experienced adults, kindly advise us. We have no one we can relate this issues with in our families. We do not want family interference. He will be reading your comments so please no insults.




Madam I read your long post because I got married just this December and when they say every marriage has its own peculiar problem ...it's true. The difficulties I encountered in my marriage made me become more religious than b4, it made me use my last money to buy home theater just so that I can do praise and worship. Mind you my wife is abroad o!

The truth of the matter is that Your husband is only the head of the family physically...spiritually he is lost. I want to bet my last dollar that you two don't pray together. Your husband doesn't lead his family in prayer.

There is this change of character that comes with when a person is close to God. Take for example your husband is all you have just said. Do you think he will make those statements if he calls you every night to kneel down for him to pray for the family? I'm sure in such prayer he will ask God to bless the family, he will ask God to strengthen his wife, he will ask God to protect his wife and kids, he will ask God to provide and bless his hand work. He will not argue or fight with you again becos God is all that matters to him.

When I got married my wife thought I will start competing with her in arguments and superiority, I told her I can never compete with my wife ...shes my partner not my competitor. Have you watched Formular 1 race? For example Mercedes Benz usually have 2 drivers running. They are not competing against eachother....they are complementing eachother.

We all come from different backgrounds and don't expect us to be perfect...but one thing I know is if you are close to God.....it changes you and brings you closer to perfection.

Your husband needs to find peace with Jesus ...he's utterances will change and his attentiveness to your predicament will awaken. He will go out of his way to see that his lovely wife is not stressed out. He will call you midday just to ask if you have eaten something. The only things that will be valuable to him will become God and his family. He will help his wife at home becos he doesn't want you to suffer. He will become selfless. He will call you sometimes, bow your head and pray for you.

A lady friend once told me that sometimes she wakes up at night and puts her head on her husband's chest and speak prayer into him...that he will succeed, that God should bless her husband....God should protect her husband. Do you pray for your husband? So he will even see that his wife is supporting him with prayer. If my wife can pray for me ...i will move mountain the next morning.

What am I saying since? Marriage is team work not a competition in argument or who's right or wrong.

And until your husband finds Jesus and establish an intimate relationship with God...you will continue to have these problems becos there will be nothing to caution his utterances and actions.

As for you, my advice is hold his hands and pray for him at night when he is sleeping. When he sees you praying for him he will rethink he's attitude towards you in the morning and forever. The words of your prayer will reveal to him that you are his partner and not his competitor. Pray, fast, for him. Let him know it's for him. Unless you married a terrorist ...he will change before your eyes.

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Re: urg by DeeMain(m): 10:10am On Apr 16, 2019
First off, I must commend both you and your husband for taking this mature step to resolving your problems.

Upbringing. Programming. Strongholds. Imaginations. Thinking errors. Very few people can lift themselves above the programming of their childhood. Your husband must have grown up under a very limiting and probably dysfunctional family. It will not be easy to unlearn what he learnt consciously and unconsciously in his family.

I believe you two can discuss this help issue further. Perhaps get a permanent help or one that can stay longer to avoid burnout on your part.

But Boss, how can you be happy seeing your wife hassled and sapped by too much work and not assist her? A fatigued, stressed wife is a minus to you. You are missing out on her beautiful inner essence and other intangible things she would have offered you if she wasn't stressed by overwork. You are missing out, by ignorance and selfishness, on other things that make marriage sweet, loving and lively.

Your husband must have grown up in a family where the father was 'the all mighty' and the mother was the ever willing slave and martyr for the family. What can be wrong with a man helping out with the laundry machine? What can be so manly as the stronger man helping the weaker and more vulnerable wife pick up his own clothes and coach and teach his own children to success?

On not taking his bath: it's a learnt habit and can be unlearned. He might have learnt selfishness as a child or is unconsciously ignorant. If you care about your wife or the kids you would be thinking of how your stale or dirty smell will be inconveniencing your wife and perhaps others and the example you will be setting for your growing kids.

All these calling you names, insulting you, disrespecting you and being abusive. Damn! Got a bit angry reading this part. Your husband might need to see a therapist. His childhood and past is controlling his present in a frightening way. He must have had a very abusive past. Sir, the kid inside you is crying for help. Your wife is suffering as a result.

Madam, you married a broken man. His childhood broke him. His apologizing after the fact is good but it won't stop until he finds healing.

For both of you: if you look deeper you will find there is a pattern of giving and receiving of abuse in your individual families that is repeating itself here. To avert the same dysfunctional outcomes repeating in your own family you must break this pattern both mentally and spiritually. Enrol in marriage counseling, also in spiritual warfare(if you are spiritual people).

To your husband: For the sake of your kids who are already being programmed and raised in a toxic environment, the sanity and health of this woman you call your wife, go and seek for help.

When you were a child you thought and behaved like a child, now that you are grown you must put away childish things.

18 Likes

Re: urg by UjuJoan2: 10:35am On Apr 16, 2019
Kindheartedd:
I actually told him I'll create a thread and he agreed because we need other people's view on an issue or even issues.

We have some small small issues that causes arguement regularly. I will describe my daily routine and his.

Me: I am a mother of two active kids (twins), I only have someone who assist me for two hours. Her duties are to; sweep, mop, wash dishes, and clean the house, she doesn't bath the kids becuase I do not want accident. She doesnt cook or go to market for me. She lives my place from 10am; immediately she's done with cleaning she lives.

I'm a freelancer, so I work from home. I have long term clients I work for so am as good as fully employed. Infact, I currently have two jobs, one is full time ie 40 hours a week, and the other is partime but still a daily work. Because of the work load, I had to get someone to assist after training her to do the job. She work for about 4 hours daily while I resolved bigger issues she can't for 4 hours. Atimes she is out pf power and I do the work all day. (She work from her home in a different state).

After getting my kids ready for school, I immediately sit to start work and I work till they return from school, I take like 30mins break to attend to them (food, UnCloth and dress them up), don't forget this time my help has gone. Once am done, zoom to work. I close atimes, 5pm, if it's a morning duty I finish 2:30pm and the other job I do it randomly till 8pm. Between these work hours, I will cook, wash, sweep again (with the presence of kids one must sweep always - personally, I hate seeing my house look untidy or see crumbs of food on the floor, lil ones will always eat and scatter stuffs)

Hubby: He goes to work from past 7am and return 9pm or 10pm. He goes to work weekends atimes and most times he is fully around weekends.

The issues:

1.
The doesnt assist in any way at home. If I ask for help, he will shout at me and ask where is my help? He even said the girl should be leaving 10pm, she is married and assist her mother in law in the market.

2. We have a washing machine, my husband doesnt know how to operate it, I have taught him several times, I wash his cloths before getting the machine, when I newly got it, I load it with his clothes without issues, cos I don't have kids then. Now, I have kids, I wash daily. All I ask him to do is to load the machine with his clothes, he said loading it is not a task and that I should always do it. I have two laundry baskets, you can never find his dirty clothes in them! He hangs them. I always remove from hangers whenever I want to wash, i have complained alot of times but na lie.

He is not grateful for helping him wash his clothes, all he will say is it's not a task and that he sees me as a jobless woman, that he goes to work and I should wash and iron his clothes. If it's no task, why can't he do it himself? Am complaining because, I hadly sleep due to work, am stressed, do your own laundry yourself! He believes am at home so I have all the time to do his laundry, but no, I work too. Weekends, he spend his time with either his phone, or with the estate people. Why cant he use this time to do his laundry? I work weekends and he sees the way I take my laptop go kitchen atimes. He sees the way I lock myself in the room to attend to tasks. It doesnt mean the kids or him will stay hungry! I balance my home by all means.

3:Any dirty cloth not hanged is left in the living room. Infact, 99.9% are left in the leaving until I complain about it. I pick them up most times.

4. No matter how much there is heat, he will never take his bath at night. Weekends is worst, he can remain smelling till monday morning.

5. He is abusive, I grow up in an abusive home, it doesn't mean I still love abuse. I still haven't gotten use to abuse. Listen, my husband has told me before that my certificate is useless (i started work before marriage, well as a contract staff not earning well then but it was still over 100k), fine not where I wanted to be but I shouldn't get that from him. Your father wasted money on you, you can't be part of a board meeting, you are a mat, you will be laid, when i used to work in an office on shift, he hate seeing me at home relaxing while he go to work and return, I will hear the unmentionable that day.

It got to a point I told him, look if am at home on week days, see it as my weekend cos you are at home during the weekends and I go to work.

He doesnt believe me, he believes what outsiders say, I dont lie to him and never had trust issue with him so I see no reason why he wont believe me. This one really is not my pain cos I see it's a background thing.

What what what more can I say? 'I married you to work for me so you must work', I hear strange things from him and I am baffled if this is how men talk rudely and discouteously to their wives. During kids exams last term, I was so busy and asked he help revise with the kids, he said never what is the work of the teachers? He believes kids in private schools shouldnt read or have extra classes or have their parent revise/teach them at home because he pays much fees and should automatically pass to the next class no matter the grade. This made us argued like street spouses. His school of thought is awkward, we don't agree in so many ways. He doesnt stay in one church, he likes being a first timer every sunday. Now we have kids!!!!!, how can we move from church to church every sunday? Alot of issues, am tired!!!!

Ask of I don't talk back at him? Yes, when I discovered he is the abusive type, I don't spare him again, I madly shout back and return his insults most of the time now. We have just fought again, my baby is having cold, and while am trying to apply first aid he started shouting at me, meanwhile when I brought her in he was pretenting to be sleeping. That a child is down is stress for the mother, why adding shout?

Atimes i sit and weep, if I remember the pain of the past and his wahala, if not that I am a total believer in God, I would have lost it. I did my msc in finance and all I got daily from him was ' you went to read finance because your friend so so did msc finance' , it was until I told him with proof that the friend never did msc in finance he stopped.

He always believe he is right, you are the fool.

The only good thing that has kept us is forgiveness and he apologize always, I forgive him whenever he apologize, but the next minute, he will do and say the worst.


No insults, please matured adults, married and experienced adults, kindly advise us. We have no one we can relate this issues with in our families. We do not want family interference. He will be reading your comments so please no insults.


These are not 'small issues' . . . these are HUGE issues.

1. You married an abusive man with no conscience and empathy. Do not stoop to his level by shouting back and fighting him. Learn to ignore him. He knows the right thing to do but chooses not to, there is nothing you can do about it. making it an issues will only add to your blood pressure. And fighting and quarreling will only lead to you guys raising violent children.

2. Reduce your expectations of your husband . . you want him to put his clothes in the laundry basket, help with chores, do school work for the kids e.t.c. and these are ALL his responsibility but he chooses to abandon them to you, someone he thinks is NOTHING. You need to show him strength in these areas where he has failed.

I believe every woman who chose to marry a NIGERIAN man should be ready to carry his responsibilities as well, since our culture encourages men to be lazy and dependent on women. Of course they think it makes them the head and in-charge, but in truth, there are only displaying weakness and indiscipline.

If you are lucky like some of us, great . . . . IF not, then resign yourself to fate and don't let it bother you.

3. You are taking too much on yourself, why not get a full-time help? Even if it's a young child.

Before I got married, I used to think I will live without helps, but it was not a realistic expectation . . the children come quickly, the pressure of work is high and the husbands are usually non-nonchalant. So I got help(s). . . .Full-time! You are lucky you work from home so you can efficiently supervise them. You can still bathe your kids to avoid accidents, but they can dress them, feed them, load the washing machine, and other chores that contribute to your pressure.

4. Your husband TRUSTS you, he just doesn't want to acknowledge it because for some reason he think it will make you better than him. HE has this need to control and subdue you. He is very insecure and if you let him, he will keep bringing you down to his level. In any case, if he doesn't trust you what difference does it make? Stop letting that bother you. Face your home and concentrate on improving yourself and your business.

Try not to lose yourself in this marriage because it will not be worth it!!!

21 Likes

Re: urg by spongeisback: 10:36am On Apr 16, 2019
OP am sure your husband is among the “our mothers used to do this without complaining” crew. You’re carrying a whole lot of domestic responsibilities please ease up before you break down, if you can talk to your help about loading and drying his clothes before she leaves.

From your write up communication isn’t really the issue but you’ve a spouse that really doesn’t care about other aspects of his family except providing money. It’s already a culture for him and deep down in your heart you know.

5 Likes

Re: urg by UjuJoan2: 10:45am On Apr 16, 2019
LadySarah:
I used to be baffled when a man hangs his dirty clothes neatly in the wardrobe grin,chai so no be one person for this world?

I didn't even know what to say to that because I find that very difficult imagine. Why will someone hang dirty clothes? IS it not easier to put in the laundry than hang? I just can't relate!

3 Likes

Re: urg by drmikeadams(m): 10:48am On Apr 16, 2019
grin grin my major concern be say for dis kain hot and over heating weather na em man no dey shower for d whole weekend grin grin some people na akpa dirtyy

12 Likes

Re: urg by LordKO(m): 11:37am On Apr 16, 2019
@OP

Your husband is neither altruistic nor conscientious towards you in particular and the household in general - he's a quasi-devil, worse than a small-minded person, because he's both egotistic and narcissistic mainly because of item 3, 4 and 5. Both of you aren't of the same ethical leanings. Item 1 and 2 aren't the main issues because the help/employment of one or more domestic staff can help solve them.

Sincerely, without him making conscious decision to turn a new leaf the problems in item 3, 4 and 5 will persist. If truly he's ready to change for good, he has to become conscientious and altruistic, or just conscientious on the minimum.

However, if he refuses to embrace a positive change, you can apply any one of the following philosophies depending on whether you care to sustain the union no matter what happens or if you won't mind separating from him at worst case scenario:

- If you have resolution to remain in the union with him no matter what happens then remain altruistic and conscientious towards him but stop treating him as an altruistic and conscientious person - a sane man in this situation that values the sanctity of marriage/healthy close relationship will automatically change for good towards you, even if he doesn't find you sweet again.

- If you won't mind separating from him, in case he refuses to change for good, be just conscientious towards him without giving/allowing him benefits of altruism - as an insane man, he'll get worse with his actions and inactions here and this will automatically lead to either temporary or permanent separation of both of you.

19 Likes 4 Shares

Re: urg by tabithaola(f): 11:55am On Apr 16, 2019
[quote author=LadySarah post=77581657]I used to be baffled when a man hangs his dirty clothes neatly in the wardrobe grin,chai so no be one person for this world?[/quote

My dear, I see you.***smiles****]
Re: urg by tabithaola(f): 12:01pm On Apr 16, 2019
EkoErrands:


Madam I read your long post because I got married just this December and when they say every marriage has its own peculiar problem ...it's true. The difficulties I encountered in my marriage made me become more religious than b4, it made me use my last money to buy home theater just so that I can do praise and worship. Mind you my wife is abroad o!

The truth of the matter is that Your husband is only the head of the family physically...spiritually he is lost. I want to bet my last dollar that you two don't pray together. Your husband doesn't lead his family in prayer.

There is this change of character that comes with when a person is close to God. Take for example your husband is all you have just said. Do you think he will make those statements if he calls you every night to kneel down for him to pray for the family? I'm sure in such prayer he will ask God to bless the family, he will ask God to strengthen his wife, he will ask God to protect his wife and kids, he will ask God to provide and bless his hand work. He will not argue or fight with you again becos God is all that matters to him.

When I got married my wife thought I will start competing with her in arguments and superiority, I told her I can never compete with my wife ...shes my partner not my competitor. Have you watched Formular 1 race? For example Mercedes Benz usually have 2 drivers running. They are not competing against eachother....they are complementing eachother.

We all come from different backgrounds and don't expect us to be perfect...but one thing I know is if you are close to God.....it changes you and brings you closer to perfection.

Your husband needs to find peace with Jesus ...he's utterances will change and his attentiveness to your predicament will awaken. He will go out of his way to see that his lovely wife is not stressed out. He will call you midday just to ask if you have eaten something. The only things that will be valuable to him will become God and his family. He will help his wife at home becos he doesn't want you to suffer. He will become selfless. He will call you sometimes, bow your head and pray for you.

A lady friend once told me that sometimes she wakes up at night and puts her head on her husband's chest and speak prayer into him...that he will succeed, that God should bless her husband....God should protect her husband. Do you pray for your husband? So he will even see that his wife is supporting him with prayer. If my wife can pray for me ...i will move mountain the next morning.

What am I saying since? Marriage is team work not a competition in argument or who's right or wrong.

And until your husband finds Jesus and establish an intimate relationship with God...you will continue to have these problems becos there will be nothing to caution his utterances and actions.

As for you, my advice is hold his hands and pray for him at night when he is sleeping. When he sees you praying for him he will rethink he's attitude towards you in the morning and forever. The words of your prayer will reveal to him that you are his partner and not his competitor. Pray, fast, for him. Let him know it's for him. Unless you married a terrorist ...he will change before your eyes.


God bless you sir. I'm reading and learning at the same time.
Re: urg by ireneidiva(f): 12:12pm On Apr 16, 2019
Kindheartedd:
I actually told him I'll create a thread and he agreed because we need other people's view on an issue or even issues.

We have some small small issues that causes arguement regularly. I will describe my daily routine and his.

Me: I am a mother of two active kids (twins), I only have someone who assist me for two hours. Her duties are to; sweep, mop, wash dishes, and clean the house, she doesn't bath the kids becuase I do not want accident. She doesnt cook or go to market for me. She lives my place from 10am; immediately she's done with cleaning she lives.

I'm a freelancer, so I work from home. I have long term clients I work for so am as good as fully employed. Infact, I currently have two jobs, one is full time ie 40 hours a week, and the other is partime but still a daily work. Because of the work load, I had to get someone to assist after training her to do the job. She work for about 4 hours daily while I resolved bigger issues she can't for 4 hours. Atimes she is out pf power and I do the work all day. (She work from her home in a different state).

After getting my kids ready for school, I immediately sit to start work and I work till they return from school, I take like 30mins break to attend to them (food, UnCloth and dress them up), don't forget this time my help has gone. Once am done, zoom to work. I close atimes, 5pm, if it's a morning duty I finish 2:30pm and the other job I do it randomly till 8pm. Between these work hours, I will cook, wash, sweep again (with the presence of kids one must sweep always - personally, I hate seeing my house look untidy or see crumbs of food on the floor, lil ones will always eat and scatter stuffs)

Hubby: He goes to work from past 7am and return 9pm or 10pm. He goes to work weekends atimes and most times he is fully around weekends.

The issues:

1.
The doesnt assist in any way at home. If I ask for help, he will shout at me and ask where is my help? He even said the girl should be leaving 10pm, she is married and assist her mother in law in the market.

2. We have a washing machine, my husband doesnt know how to operate it, I have taught him several times, I wash his cloths before getting the machine, when I newly got it, I load it with his clothes without issues, cos I don't have kids then. Now, I have kids, I wash daily. All I ask him to do is to load the machine with his clothes, he said loading it is not a task and that I should always do it. I have two laundry baskets, you can never find his dirty clothes in them! He hangs them. I always remove from hangers whenever I want to wash, i have complained alot of times but na lie.

He is not grateful for helping him wash his clothes, all he will say is it's not a task and that he sees me as a jobless woman, that he goes to work and I should wash and iron his clothes. If it's no task, why can't he do it himself? Am complaining because, I hadly sleep due to work, am stressed, do your own laundry yourself! He believes am at home so I have all the time to do his laundry, but no, I work too. Weekends, he spend his time with either his phone, or with the estate people. Why cant he use this time to do his laundry? I work weekends and he sees the way I take my laptop go kitchen atimes. He sees the way I lock myself in the room to attend to tasks. It doesnt mean the kids or him will stay hungry! I balance my home by all means.

3:Any dirty cloth not hanged is left in the living room. Infact, 99.9% are left in the leaving until I complain about it. I pick them up most times.

4. No matter how much there is heat, he will never take his bath at night. Weekends is worst, he can remain smelling till monday morning.

5. He is abusive, I grow up in an abusive home, it doesn't mean I still love abuse. I still haven't gotten use to abuse. Listen, my husband has told me before that my certificate is useless (i started work before marriage, well as a contract staff not earning well then but it was still over 100k), fine not where I wanted to be but I shouldn't get that from him. Your father wasted money on you, you can't be part of a board meeting, you are a mat, you will be laid, when i used to work in an office on shift, he hate seeing me at home relaxing while he go to work and return, I will hear the unmentionable that day.

It got to a point I told him, look if am at home on week days, see it as my weekend cos you are at home during the weekends and I go to work.

He doesnt believe me, he believes what outsiders say, I dont lie to him and never had trust issue with him so I see no reason why he wont believe me. This one really is not my pain cos I see it's a background thing.

What what what more can I say? 'I married you to work for me so you must work', I hear strange things from him and I am baffled if this is how men talk rudely and discouteously to their wives. During kids exams last term, I was so busy and asked he help revise with the kids, he said never what is the work of the teachers? He believes kids in private schools shouldnt read or have extra classes or have their parent revise/teach them at home because he pays much fees and should automatically pass to the next class no matter the grade. This made us argued like street spouses. His school of thought is awkward, we don't agree in so many ways. He doesnt stay in one church, he likes being a first timer every sunday. Now we have kids!!!!!, how can we move from church to church every sunday? Alot of issues, am tired!!!!

Ask of I don't talk back at him? Yes, when I discovered he is the abusive type, I don't spare him again, I madly shout back and return his insults most of the time now. We have just fought again, my baby is having cold, and while am trying to apply first aid he started shouting at me, meanwhile when I brought her in he was pretenting to be sleeping. That a child is down is stress for the mother, why adding shout?

Atimes i sit and weep, if I remember the pain of the past and his wahala, if not that I am a total believer in God, I would have lost it. I did my msc in finance and all I got daily from him was ' you went to read finance because your friend so so did msc finance' , it was until I told him with proof that the friend never did msc in finance he stopped.

He always believe he is right, you are the fool.

The only good thing that has kept us is forgiveness and he apologize always, I forgive him whenever he apologize, but the next minute, he will do and say the worst.


No insults, please matured adults, married and experienced adults, kindly advise us. We have no one we can relate this issues with in our families. We do not want family interference. He will be reading your comments so please no insults.



You didn't marry your best friend. Find a way around it. Do the one you can do and leave the one you cant.

2 Likes

Re: urg by tabithaola(f): 12:24pm On Apr 16, 2019
My dear, saying I feel your pains is an understatement. Your husband is weird and he's definitely from the other side of the world. Wrapping my head around these issues is nauseating to me & I truly wish you find happiness and marital fulfilment. No amount of nagging can change him. He can only change for the best with divine intervention. A badly raised man/woman will remain one until he sees the need to work on himself. Permit me to say your husband is one.

The truth is, there's no perfect marriage anywhere but we can picture what we want and work towards achieving it. Pray to God to touch his stony heart so as to realise how much he's derailing and failing his children that sees him as a perfect example. Its sad to imagine living with oga as a neighbor let alone as a spouse. Dearie, please place a value on yourself and let him know how much you are hurt by those names he calls you. I can endure some things in the name of marriage since I've come to stay married but not names calling because I'm simply allergic to it. May God heal your marriage and mine.

2 Likes

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