Felix6:
Dear madam, I want to BEG you before it is too late. please anyhow possible kill every traces of this seed that is about to germinate in your life, erase every atom of it from your thoughts, because if you don't do that now; i bet you the price will be too much not only on you, but your husband, the children, your husband's brother and the entire family in the nearest future. every one that has contributed to this issue, whether for, or against has valid points, but i tell you the whole ball is in your court. from your write up u said the boy has been staying with his brother before you got married to him, so i can say he knows the shortest route to the kitchen than you, but i am not going to say that! also before his brother moved to get his own place, both have stayed in their parent's house may be a single room sef, hmm strong bond, first love. longer than your "2 years courtship nd 2 years in marriage" but this doesn't count either, I can go on nd on, but MADAM! MADAM!! MADAM!!!, i want to implore you to take the positives out of this whole situation be happy now, and happy HAPPIER in the nearest future. it is far better to have a brother inlaw that eats your food freely than those that will simply say thank you i am not hungry even when they are starving. when this situation arises your husband too will loose his appetite for your food, and just like that it will extend to other areas and other family members will be drag in as every member start to align themselves based on perception. hence the APC VS PDP scenarios will start to play out in your home nd extended family. may God forbid this. madam please act as the mother which you are, a very strong pillar to family building, sooner than later, natural instincts will sets in on that guy and he will start to realize he needs his own space to function well in life, before u say jack he is out of your house and you will even miss him for the little troubles . madam i pray the lord almighty gives you the strenght to go through all this, but i can assure you, happier future awaits you, don't let yourself to be caught in this messy web, no, don't go reporting to your husband, or telling the guy u don't like him going to your pot, or can't you greet, leave all that, it is only when you think about these stuff much, they become big deal and gragually erode your happyness. thank you.

Thank you very much God bless u!!!.

sorepco:
U no well. Ick used. Clothes in a room where madam is naked?

she talk say she naked. I sure say she no even dey around wen he picked it up. All dis excuse is just to paint d guy bad. And make us feel she’s d victim. When said said smoke filled d ause d previous post. Tut she was talking bout d guy smoking in d house nt until I read further. Nothing srs in all she said.

Pls help me ask dat silly wife ooooooooo

crackkhaus:

You want him to send his brother away so that you can be happy?

Is picking his brother stuffs ur problem?
Or you want him to pick ur stuffs

Iwantpeace:


it's not because something has been done or not and please I m older than him my younger sis and him are age mates. I m just saying he should respect the fact that he's brother is no longer single.do u know he can come into our room to pick his brother's stuff even wen am inside without excuse or something.

FrLukas:


Bro, I respect your opinion on the matter. I do.

But think about it. The couple lives in a ome-bedroom apartment. Food is definitely an issue here, and a big one too especially when you have a brother that eats like a glutton.

The couple don't have a child yet but they are already feeding an extra mouth. And that extra mouth is extra wide.

At least that's what I was able to glean from her post.

That’s why I mentioned that she should address the real issue with her man and stop looking for flimsy reason to get angry......I gave just one example of the brother inlaw preventing spontaneous, loud sex and dressing how she wants which she admitted....this one u mentioned too is another cogent reason as well .....

Simran94:

Stop that. The husband should be the First person to be dished his food cooked by the wife and not a brother or whoever.

And now we know the “one true law”

sassysure:


Rooms have locks.
Must everything be a problem?
She should lock the damn room if she is in there.

Why won't the guy enter their room?
Why the restriction?
If it's her sister or bros, will she restrict them?
We always manufacture problems when there is none instead of using our sixth sense.

So if your sisters husband was inside his room, you could just walk in and take what you want to take without excusing yourself We dont know if her door can lock, moreover its totally unacceptable to burst into somebody's (matrimonial) room without knocking.

Its like he has been entering the room all this while so he has forgotten that things have to change because his bro is married.

OP is just bottling everything up instead of explaining things to the guy so that he will understand.

The husband is already feeling awkward telling the guy who has been there all this time to start measuring and tip-toeing around the house, she should just build her relationship with the boy and stop being hostile.

He is not a mind-reader and he wont know what she likes or doesnt like until she tells him!

damlawrence101:
Is picking his brother stuffs ur problem?
Or you want him to pick ur stuffs

is there nothing like privacy in your dictionary? a single guy is different from a married man simple

1StopRudeness:


The “showcase her witchcraft” part got me laughing really hard ...

.it’s clear it’s not really about the issues...she doesn’t just want anyone around...I concluded when I got to the “greet me first” part of her complain...if her own brother was around will she get mad he went to take stew in the pot, won’t she greet her brother freely even if he ddnt greet her first??

You dey mind her, she will still come here one day to complain about the mother inlaw. And she fit no sabi cook sef. I only pity dat innocent man she has started manipulating.

ireneidiva:

Tell him not to dish food by himself. Tell him you will dish it for him. After cooking, store some in the fridge and keep your husbands own aside and give him his[b]. If you are going out, make sure you keep food for him to eat when he is hungry and tell him. Example: I kept beans for you, you can eat it if you are hungry. Remind him to wash his dishes after eating. [/b]Wash your own yourself because it is your duty not his except he offers. Also try to be more tolerant and stop reporting him, he wont be there forever.

is he a baby

to be given all these treatments

Ginaz:


I stayed good 6 months at a friend’s family house. I never went to the pot to serve without first asking, sometimes I would wait for my friend to indicate interest to eat and we go together to serve our meal. That is respect. Humans are very funny , you think they don’t notice everything but they do.

I don’t want a situation I go and serve at anytime I want then it would bring talks of me feeling too much at home to the extent I serve food “anyhow” or she likes “eating too much ,” na only food she dey go pot go serve”.

There are boundaries and I try my best to follow them in everything I do. So far you are under someone’s roof, so far you are not the one making important decisions in the house ... kindly respect everything that has to do with the owner of the house.

It shows respect and it’s no way demeaning at all to ask for permission to serve. If it is so demeaning then start brining in money for cooking so you can serve as you want .

Don’t go and serve with reckless abandon a food you don’t bring a kobo for. Show some respect and coordination.

Hanty your case is different, my brother can't be telling that his wife thinks I eat too much, she should be forcing me to eat more than enough so long my brother is not complaining

The food and greeting is not the problem. From years of studying human psychology, I've learnt that humans always shift to the easy side of life. Avoiding the real problem. You are not the problem, neither is your brother-in-law.

Something else is the problem. And you just don't want to say it.

Until then. Enjoy your marriage and leave the young man alone. He will soon be gone from your home to start his own life.( The Bible says it's a must for every man).

I like the fact that you were honest to mention that he shuffles between your home and your SIL’s home( His own sister). So you see, he is not the real problem. The problem is ‘The problem’.

My guess: You have thoughts that he may be secretly spying on you when you do your private things. You know what I mean.

And these negative thoughts filtered into your relationship with him( One which you did not even strive to build before marrying his brother. )

I have two SIL ’s and we are like the best of buddies. Without them, I can't even get a pin from my brothers.

I pray for peace in your family. Or if you want more practical results: Read “ Laws of Human Nature” By Robert Greeene.

We hope you learn a thing or two on human relationship from the book.

God bless you.

Octopusssy:
Loud it. No brat is going to run amok in my own home. I will tell him to his face to stay the fvck away from my pot, and if he expects me togreet him first then he is on a VERY long thing. Screw him and may the devil take his soul.

I'm not making mouth because I'm online. This is what I will do and will not hesitate to do it if it ever comes to that

Run away from dogs like this, caution, never wife a biitchhh that reason like this dog ^^

Iwantpeace:
I Need Advice About My Brother Inlaw Attitude

Hello good morning Nairalanders. I have been a guest and a member of this forum for quite some time now. I have equally seen and learnt from the inputs of many issues brought here especially family one. So I decided to create this new account.

I am a new married woman, my marriage is barely 3 months. Before we got married I and my husband agreed that visitors will not stay longer than 2 weeks in our home. Although he begged me that his immediate younger brother whom has been staying with him will stay for a while or comes to stay with us anytime he is on holidays.

I reluctantly agreed just for peace to reign. He shuttles between our home and my SIL homes for now. To cut the long story short, prior to when we got married that I go visit my then fiancé, anytime I cook this guy is fond of dipping his hands into my pot of soup or food without asking me and this is what I am not comfortable with and I really don't like it. I have sister in law too and I have sisters too anytime I go visiting I don't dip my hands into their pot of food without their consent I see it as something disrespectful.

Again, I couldn't talk then because I feel he may say 'ha dem never marry her she dun de get attitude', now he's continued the same attitude. Yesterday, I made food for the house, dished his own, he ate and slept off when he woke up late in the night he went to my pot again and spoilt my dishing spoon in the process. meanwhile I have not dished out my husband's meal.

Coincidentally, my husband came in from work at that moment and I was going to the kitchen to serve him his meal when I saw him doing what I don't like. When he saw me he said 'this spoon dun spoil '. I kept quiet. I later discussed with my husband, told him that I am not happy with the way his brother is entering my kitchen anyhow n because I am someone that don't like keeping things in my mind I like saying it out to free myself. When I told my husband he said we will talk in the morning.

This morning, the first thing this brother in law of mine was to go straight to the kitchen to look for something to eat. This is someone that will eat and keep the dishes, whenever he is around I don't stay in the living room anymore, my room and my phone is my companion because we stay in a one bedroom flat for now. He's giving me this attitude of it's my brother's house so I can do as I please, when he comes back he expects me to greet him first. I am not saying he cannot stay but my main issue is that he is tempering with my kitchen and trying to flex muscles with me.

Pls how do I handle this issue with my husband amicably because up till now he hasn't said anything and it's bothering me?

It's a daicy matter, as much as the boy lacks respect I dont want you to give him what he's looking for.

You can start dishing your husband food out first, keep it aside each time you finished cooking, get a cooler or freezer, ensure you dont leave remnants in the pot so as not to offend your "inlaws".

Ensure you wash your plates each time you or your husband finished eating, dont leave dirty dishes in the sink. Possibly he will follow suit and if not bear it, but I believed if he observed the place is clean he will follow suit.

You need enough patience because your husband is only being careful so that they wont start calling his lovely wife names. So bear hi youthful exuberance.

Iwantpeace:
I Need Advice About My Brother Inlaw Attitude

Hello good morning Nairalanders. I have been a guest and a member of this forum for quite some time nnt from the inputs of many issues brought here especially family one. So I decided to create this new account.

I am a new married woman, my marriage is barely 3 months. Before we got married I and my husband agreed that visitors will not stay longer than 2 weeks in our home. Although he begged me that his immediate younger brother whom has been staying with on holidays.

I reluctantly agreed just for He shuttles between our home and my SIL homes for now. To cut the long story short, prior to when we got married tn fiancé, anytime I cook this guy is fond of dipping his hands into my pot of soup or food

my sister i get how u feel. However, u need 2 understand one tin no one is perfect. If i were you i will befriend my BIL. that way, i wood be able 2 help correct his bad manners with love

ikwedim:
Na dem oooo. She don d gather things to make the two brothers hate themselves. Fear women oooo. I pass through the same but thank God today, she d respect me

aswear. Causing conflicts between sweet brothers. Thay will scatter d home cause of small issue and escalate it to the next generation. From dere u c cousins nt talking with themselves . Dey starting forming political parties pdp, app apga for one family o. Na dem knw person weh dey greet first or wu dem old pass. Family peace killer women.

When you finish cooking remove everything from the pot put it in the fridge. Especially if it's soup. Or you scope yours and your husband's and leave his own in the pot. You dish yours from the fridge and warm. Sorry that's your cross to carry. Since he used to leave with his brother before that do you expect?

gabicon:


I sympathize with you my dear, however you need to understand that anything that is being built to last has to have a solid foundation and building a solid foundation is governed by rules of the necessary modalities of how strong a foundation is required.

Simply put, every strong marriage is built on core values, your family core values create the rules and regulations that govern your family. These core values are communicated to anyone that comes to live in your home, irrespective of how close our family is boundaries are required so that people are not offended or take offense. The problem here is your marriage hasn't been built on core values, I can bet that your brother in-law does whatever he wants, when ever he wants and however he wants.

I will suggest you solve this problem holistically because it's only a matter of time other family members will come with their own behaviour.
What I think you can do is give your husband plenty of sex, after which discuss creating core values and rules to govern your home, write them down, your husband is the chief enforcer of the core values, communicate your core values to anyone who decides to live with you and outline the consequences.

It would have been a lot easier to do it before you both moved in together, but it's never too late to be right, confronting your BiL may not be a wise step, he is the family informant, anything he says they will believe.

that family informant part is so true .. my father even warned not to allow any long term visitor to stay with my family until after two years of marriage because every new family needs privacy and time for it be nurtured ... the man and the woman are from two different backgrounds and they need time to get to know themselves better so bringing a third party to house would really make things difficult because there will be an imbalanced team

americaninja1:
u are my type of woman ... Ur type brings good luck and happiness to the home. God bless u and your hubby real big. So u can be able to feed more stomachs cause u got a heart of gold.

Thank you, Sir.

I was surprised after reading all her wail with nothing concrete to hold on to. Imagine being trouble with brother in law wanting her to greet him first n see the way she was shouting dipping his hand in the pot of soup as if the guy shook bare hand inside the soup ?!

Sincerely people like this disgust me, so because your husband married you he should chase all his household away for you to have peace n you think your own children can't end up in another married relatives place ?! Even Dangote collect loan from Dantata b4 he became what he is today. What happens to live n let's live n she's here claiming she want peace.

1StopRudeness:
Mehn these are shallow, infinitesimal issues I personally feel if u ain’t the the classic “me and my husband alone kinda woman” this isn’t worth loosing ur peace over let alone creating a thread to rant

He went to the kitchen he ddnt tell me, ordinary food, did he eat everything and not leave any for u and ur husband??

he put the spoon somehow, the spoon is bend, it’s broken..... Spoon... as in ordinary 100naira spoon!!!

He wants me to greet him first..did he say so??...oh please! This is the lamest one...
what’s the big deal about saying hello and chatting when u see a person.

see, don’t get me wrong, I know we have different tolerance and organizing style as humans...and sometimes it sort of bothers some people more than normal when outsiders invade their space.....but these issues are so unimportant people will just say u are not accommodating at the end of the day.....

Madam let it go....a little accommodating spirit will make the issues u raised unimportant to you

Unless it’s really not about the spoons and pot of soup...if it’s probably because the guy isn’t allowing u moan as loud as u want or feel free in ur house with short skimpy clothes...just tell ur husband... I trust my guy.......

Iwantpeace:

Beloved sis,indeed it's an issue but a mere one, All you need is more patients and you can beautifully Repair that dude with more kindness then try overlook,ma'm your task as woman from your maker is to make house a home, its one of those crap u ll have to encounter,pray more dear sis and enjoy your days

cococandy:
I’m sorry I don’t know what to tell you. I’m trying to be sympathetic because you must be troubled to have brought it here.

The question is: Can he not eat when he’s hungry? Does he have to ask you first? If finance is the problem, Maybe ask your husband to discuss with him on how he can contribute. If he’s not in a financial position to contribute then that means you and your husband must provide for him while he’s there. In which case, only have guests that you can afford to care for.

I don’t think it’s nice to expect him to ask permission every time he’s hungry. Unless he’s a minor. And even then I wouldn’t do that. But it would be a bit more understandable since a minor might not be very hygienic in the kitchen and stuff like that.

Food is such an important aspect of life that I’d hate to restrict anyone’s access to it. I think he’d be more comfortable and at home if he can eat whenever he’s hungry without asking permission

wow...too much WISDOM in one post!

midnighter:


So if your sisters husband was inside his room, you could just walk in and take what you want to take without excusing yourself We dont know if her door can lock, moreover its totally unacceptable to burst into somebody's (matrimonial) room without knocking.

Its like he has been entering the room all this while so he has forgotten that things have to change because his bro is married.

OP is just bottling everything up instead of explaining things to the guy so that he will understand.

The husband is already feeling awkward telling the guy who has been there all this time to start measuring and tip-toeing around the house, she should just build her relationship with the boy and stop being hostile.

He is not a mind-reader and he wont know what she likes or doesnt like until she tells him!

All naija doors have locks.
I repeat, all naija doors have locks.
If the lock has problem, she should fix it.
Haba!
Trust me, if this is a problem, I will comfortably say so.
U use sense to run your home.

Let me tell you how the human mind works.
If she start locking her door, it's already an unwritten message and it will send signals to the guy's brain.
Subconsciously when he want to enter that room, he will pause cos it's locked.
And he will be forced to knock. Dude will start knocking without realising it. That is the human brain adjusting to fit in at the moment.

So they leave the door unlocked when doing it?
It's her shame not the husband. The brother must have seen him naked many times.


As for greeting, opari o
U don't greet me, what does that mean.
I will greet you, ask u how was your night.
Greeting doesn't not necessarily mean "good morning"
I actually hate that.
"How was your night", "did u sleep well" is more like it.
Those that thought us that has moved on since.

Can't remember when last those around me did this good morning etc stuff.

Let be sincere if your children are grown up and decided to fetch food from your pot without your notice base on say u are busy will u complain

Graxie:
Don't start what you can't finish. Moreover this life deep.

That's post of marriage experience especially for a husband that has a family.

Your household need to be checked if you truly lived with any soul n you had to ask permission each day for breakfast lunch n dinner. That's totally different when meals are served n you can walk in to pick yours at your convenience.

Ginaz:

I stayed good 6 months at a friend’s family house. I never went to the pot to serve without first asking, sometimes I would wait for my friend to indicate interest to eat and we go together to serve our meal. That is respect. Humans are very funny , you think they don’t notice everything but they do.

I don’t want a situation I go and serve at anytime I want then it would bring talks of me feeling too much at home to the extent I serve food “anyhow” or she likes “eating too much ,” na only food she dey go pot go serve”.

There are boundaries and I try my best to follow them in everything I do. So far you are under someone’s roof, so far you are not the one making important decisions in the house ... kindly respect everything that has to do with the owner of the house.

It shows respect and it’s no way demeaning at all to ask for permission to serve. If it is so demeaning then start brining in money for cooking so you can serve as you want .

Don’t go and serve with reckless abandon a food you don’t bring a kobo for. Show some respect and coordination.

Since I got married,I ve never seen my wife dish out food for either my blood relatives or hers.Well it has to do with the way op was raised.Could be a family thing.

Is marriage d meaning of ur own privacy?
My sis!!!I'm married n my brothers can take my stuffs even without informing mi ...kalas

Fejimummy:



is there nothing like privacy in your dictionary? a single guy is different from a married man simple

Tell me where you hiding some pounds of flesh in the pot and dishing out only bones for him? suspicious things u know

Shallypop:
I get your point. Anyways, the way we do in our house is different from how others do. I still find it very disgusting. Love or no love. I said if it was a female, I have no problem with that but a male is a no no. Its somehow to me sha

I grew up with only females, sisters and cousins.

Food doesn't stay in the pot, my mum's policy. Food is served by the person who cooks it to all who are present and sometimes to even those who are absent. Dad has his dedicated warmer were his food is kept. The left over is completely transfered to a general food warmer. Those with extra demands or visitors get served from there by anyone. A visitor can even be sent to serve his or herself.

Food was never left in the pot except for soup.

Here is the perk, food is first and foremost served to the head of the house and the rest is general business. There is no claiming of my pot. The only reason for anyone to claim my pot is when the cook has a special portion that he or she wants to serve his or herself or a particular person. In most cases, meat.

In this case, even in my own house, I dont serve myself Chicken from my wife's pot, I ask her to serve me any piece she wants me to eat. I know she likes the boney parts so naturally we dont have a conflict there.

However, my friend is a piece of work together with his wife. My friend's uncle staying with him and the wife brought 2 or 3 of his local chicken from the village, killed and dressed it, gave my friend's wife. When frying, she serves her husband a nice big piece to taste while uncle watched. Food is ready, she served her husband 1st with 3 large choice pieces, uncle was served the tail/anus part, my friend's cousin's wife present was served a neck.

The cousin's wife was silently boiling in anger and told the wife she doesn't feel like eating meat (subtle rejection).

The moral of the story is that my friends has a flare for meat, his doting wife patronizes him and together they are an annoying irrational couple.

The op is actually irrational. There are ways to achieve what she wants but she doesn't want to explore peaceful resolution opting for autocracy.

What most wife's do is established "my husband's" food warmer and general food warmer. There is no point leaving food in the pot. The BIL will always serve himself from the general warmer and doesn't have to use her pot or her kitchen. Set the general warmer on the dinning with plates and cotlery.

She has the right to reorganize the house not just stay "in za other room".

Iwantpeace:
I Need Advice About My Brother Inlaw Attitude

Hello good morning Nairalanders. I have been a guest and a member of this forum for quite some time now. I have equally seen and learnt from the inputs of many issues brought here especially family one. So I decided to create this new account.

I am a new married woman, my marriage is barely 3 months. Before we got married I and my husband agreed that visitors will not stay longer than 2 weeks in our home. Although he begged me that his immediate younger brother whom has been staying with him will stay for a while or comes to stay with us anytime he is on holidays.

I reluctantly agreed just for peace to reign. He shuttles between our home and my SIL homes for now. To cut the long story short, prior to when we got married that I go visit my then fiancé, anytime I cook this guy is fond of dipping his hands into my pot of soup or food without asking me and this is what I am not comfortable with and I really don't like it. I have sister in law too and I have sisters too anytime I go visiting I don't dip my hands into their pot of food without their consent I see it as something disrespectful.

Again, I couldn't talk then because I feel he may say 'ha dem never marry her she dun de get attitude', now he's continued the same attitude. Yesterday, I made food for the house, dished his own, he ate and slept off when he woke up late in the night he went to my pot again and spoilt my dishing spoon in the process. meanwhile I have not dished out my husband's meal.

Coincidentally, my husband came in from work at that moment and I was going to the kitchen to serve him his meal when I saw him doing what I don't like. When he saw me he said 'this spoon dun spoil '. I kept quiet. I later discussed with my husband, told him that I am not happy with the way his brother is entering my kitchen anyhow n because I am someone that don't like keeping things in my mind I like saying it out to free myself. When I told my husband he said we will talk in the morning.

This morning, the first thing this brother in law of mine was to go straight to the kitchen to look for something to eat. This is someone that will eat and keep the dishes, whenever he is around I don't stay in the living room anymore, my room and my phone is my companion because we stay in a one bedroom flat for now. He's giving me this attitude of it's my brother's house so I can do as I please, when he comes back he expects me to greet him first. I am not saying he cannot stay but my main issue is that he is tempering with my kitchen and trying to flex muscles with me.

Pls how do I handle this issue with my husband amicably because up till now he hasn't said anything and it's bothering me?

Op, it's unfortunate. However, your choice of word, "My" repeatedly hmmm.

Op, be frank to yourself, if, I mean if, it was your brother, will you complain?

I am not in support of what your brother in-law is doing. However, you need to understand the bond that existed between him and your husband before the latter married you. Where there's cordial relationship, you don't expect your brother in-law to wash his dishes when you are less busy.