₦airaland Forum

A man & woman are in a car in the middle of nowhere. Just before they are about to have s[i]e[/i]x, the woman says, "I forgot to mention earlier, but I'm a pro[i]sti[/i]tute & I charge £30 for sex." The guy reluctantly gives it to her.

After sex the guy lights a cigarette & just sits there. The woman asks him, "Why are you not driving?" The guy says, "I forgot to tell you that I'm a taxi driver & its £35 to go back to town."

When a wife was asked: "What book do you like the most?"
She answers: "My husband’s cheque book."

Efe, you're so correct and that Tanimz just hates to admit how much she likesloves unless in closed rooms!
My days with her are numbered until she changes and she knows.

Tanimz, athink you don see wetin you dey cause for yourself. Please when the time comes, make sure you lose my number. Period!

A husband and wife were trying to set up a new password to their computer.
A husband, "Put 'MYPENIS' " and the wife fell on the ground laughing cause on screen was an error, "Error. Not long enough"

tanimz:
Cry say wetin happen? Abeg talk something else.

See your crate of rabbit teeth. Now my talk don dey sweet you.

Ok na!

Nor call my number begin dey cry o. I nor fit dey tell you sorry. We'll see who has the last laugh.

6:30 a.m 7/21/2011 (This morning)

Mum: Chika won't you go to work today? (in igbo language)
Chika: No mum, I already called the office. I've got a boil in my a[i]ss[/i].
Mum: Damn It! When last did you get laid? (still in igbo)
Chika: MUM!!! WTF (in igbo). . .*thinking to my 2 self* (So this woman has been watching the girls that come home, I dey go find house very sharply)



(This one nor be joke ooo. . .na real life matter and I gotta change the name of who e happen to)

A young man abroad called his mum to say he's got AIDS. His mum begged him not to ever come back. Surprised, he asked why and she replied; If you come, your wife go get am and give your younger brother who go give house girl and she self go give your papa and your papa go give me and I go give driver who go give your sister. If your sister get am, the village don get am be dat!





Na wa o!

Efemena_xy:
lol - okay

tanimz:
Ehn? Efe, but why?

See your mouth like "Efe, but why?"
Na becos you see say I bold your name na im make u quick show your presence. Swear with your left yansh say you nor wish make e be me and you.

Na small small na.
You want make the well run dry?

Nor worry, just bookmark the page and you go get notification.

Efemena_xy:
you go save that request of yours for madam Lysaa or Ms T_z

naughty-naughty

I prefer the bolded instead

Little April was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class.

One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?"

When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. 'JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep.

Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F[i]UCK[/i]ING THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR A[i]RS[/i]E!"

Efemena_xy:
^^ Nice!

Bad Boi

You still didn't do as asked.

An elderly couple had been experiencing declining memories, so they decided to take a power memory class where one is taught to remember things by association. A few days after the class, the old man was outside talking with his neighbor about how much the class helped him.

"What was the name of the Instructor?" asked the neighbor.
"Oh, ummmm, let's see," the old man pondered. "You know that flower, you know, the one that smells really nice but has those prickly thorns, what's that flower's name?"
"A rose?" asked the neighbor.
"Yes, that's it," replied the old man.

He then turned toward his house and shouted, "Hey, Rose, what's the name of the Instructor we took the memory class from?"

A black guy and a white man are sitting in a park. The white man has a pet monkey and the black man sells bananas.

Black man: "Mr, Can you please look after my bananas? I'm going to the toilet." "Oh yes go ahead," says the white man.

Black man comes back, there are no more bananas and he goes mad. "Where are my bananas?" The white man says, "ask your brother" pointing to his monkey. The black man takes a chill pill.

. . .Moments later. . .

White man: "Can you please look after your brother, I'm going to the toilet." Black man says, "alright!"

When the white man comes back the monkey is dead and he goes mad, "What happened to my monkey?"
Black man: "Mr, stay out of it! This is a family matter!"

bibs:
Bros u don spoil

Sowie na!

Sophizzy:
U've broken ma heart Sledge. I hv lovd all your posts & almost u sef, bt u hd 2 ruin it all wit your last 2 posts.SHAME!

How come you're making this known now?
Don't stop loving ME.

ARareGem:
I'm waiting to read somethn funny cos. . .

Just keep reading.

Efemena_xy:
Sledge you're last 2 jokes don't cut it

way too rude & explicit - even by your standards

Explicit does it na but I'll TTTRRRRRYYYYY to keep it clean not a promise sha.



WoW!!!
So it took my last 2 post to bring all my sweet ladies trapped in the closet out? Ya all should take a very big hug and I'm sorry though I can't promise such NOT happening again.
If you still love me, reply saying "Sledge, I love you"

Q: Does P[i]en[/i]is deserve overtime and hazard pay?
A: Yes, cos it works deep, damp, hot tunnel often head down and mostly in night shifts.

The Erectus trouserius (or the trouser snake) is the world's most dangerous snake. Colors vary from pink to black. It's fangless, average length is 5 - 6 inches; some are rumored to be 8 or more inches. It usually appears in bedrooms and attacks women in the mouth, lower abdominal area and sometimes the butt. Its highly venomous spit can cause swelling that lasts 9 months. Some species also attack men from behind.

Efemena_xy:
My God Sledge!

where did you get the story about the man wanting to divorce his terminally ill wife?

it's so sad and yet the message so true!

thanks for sharing. . .

ARareGem:
Sledge, that story was so sad. I felt so bad reading the end.

Oya make una 2 use towel clean una eyes and stop crying me a river.

Was once told by a farmer that THONGS are like barb-wire fence, it protects the property without blocking "the GREAT view". Gotta love it!

A young guy was complaining to his Boss about the problems he was having with his stubborn girlfriend.

"She gets me so angry sometimes I could hit her", the young man exclaimed.

"Well, I'll tell you what I used to do with my wife" replied the Boss. "Whenever she got out of hand I'd take her pants down and spank her".

Shaking his head the young guy replied "I've tried that, it doesn't work for me. Once I get her pants down I'm not mad anymore."

After the sermon was over, one member of the congregation had lingered after the other members had shook hands with the minister on their way out. The minister recognized the young man as one whom he had married a couple of months before.

As the young man shook hands with the minister, he asked, "Reverend, do you believe someone should profit from the mistakes of others?"

"Certainly not," replied the preacher.

"Well, in that case, could I have the $50 back that I gave you for marrying me?"

What is STRESS? You give a cute lady a lift in your car & she faints; That's STRESSful! You take her to the hospital & the doctor says she's pregnant & congratulates you. You say it's not your baby but the lady recovers & says it's yours; It's getting STRESSful. Tests are done & it's not your baby cos you're infertile; Now it's a bit STRESSing but a relief! On your way back home, you remember you have 3 kids with your wife: Now that's STRESS.

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other's husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, we will never forget you."

A group of students went on excursion to Ikogosi waterfalls. They so had a wonderful time they did not realize when night came so they had to stay overnight to travel the next day. Unfortunately for them there were not enough rooms to accommodate them hence they had to be paired.

Emekus was unfortunately paired with Sister Bolanle a Deeper life christian. At bed time Sister Bolanle was fully clothed, tied her scarf and used the pillows to divide the bed into two and slept facing the wall. On seeing this Emekus knew there was nothing for him and resigned himself to his fate. On the journey back to school the following morning, rain was threatening and a windstorm was blowing. Sister Bolanle's scarf was blown away to rest on a tree top. The team leader ordered the driver to stop so Sister Bolanle's scarf could be retrieved. He nominated Emekus to go climb the tree and fetch the scarf being her roommate. Sister Bolanle seriously objected to this saying: how can someone that couldn't climb ordinary pillow, climb a tree?

Three friends were introducing themselves. "Hi, I'm Peter not a saint." "I'm Paul not a POPE." "I'm John not a Baptist." A girl walks in says, "I'm Mary, not a VIRGIN."

A man had 4 children. Government made a public announcement to the citizens that, if u have five children you will get 20,000.00 per month as aid grant to support the family. The man asked his wife subtly by way of confession: "Honey, I must admit, erm, I have a child with my girl friend and I am going to bring him". She gazed at him in shock, he could not wait but dashed out to fetch the son.

When he returned, he was amazed to see just two of his children remaining. He asked his wife: "Honey, where are the other two children?" She replied, " you were not the only person that heard the announcement. Their fathers have taken them.

A widow told her boyfriend: No sex please, I'm still mourning my husband's death.
Boyfriend: That's why I have worn a black condom. So open your legs & accept my DEEP condolence

When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I've got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes.

Suddenly I didn't know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly. She didn't seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why?

I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn't talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Jane. I didn't love her anymore. I just pitied her!

With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company. She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Jane so dearly. Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.

The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn't have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Jane. When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again.

In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn't want anything from me, but needed a month's notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month's time and she didn't want to disrupt him with our broken marriage.

This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day.
She requested that every day for the month's duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request.

I told Jane about my wife's divorce conditions. She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully.

My wife and I hadn't had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mommy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; don't tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outsidethe door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office.

On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn't looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her.

On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me. On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn't tell Jane about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger.

She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily.

Suddenly it hit me, she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head. Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it's time to carry mom out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day.

But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, I hadn't noticed that our life lacked intimacy. I drove to office, jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind. I walked upstairs, Jane opened the door and I said to her, "Sorry, Jane, I do not want the divorce anymore".

She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead. "Do you have a fever?" She said. I moved her hand off my head. "Sorry, Jane," I said, "I won't divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn't value the details of our lives, not because we didn't love each other anymore. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart". Jane seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away.

At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I'll carry you out every morning until death do us apart.

That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I run up stairs, only to find my wife in the bed - dead. My wife had been fighting CANCER for months and I was so busy with Jane to even notice. She knew that she would die soon and she wanted to save me from the whatever negative reaction from our son, in case we push thru with the divorce. At least, in the eyes of our son, I'm a loving husband.

The small details of your lives are what really matter in a relationship. It is not the mansion, the car, property, the money in the bank. These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves. So find time to be your spouse's friend and do those little things for each other that build intimacy. Do have a real happy marriage!

Many of life's failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.

jennykadry:
Ehen naaa, me I am just leaving a mark incase he comes back after 4 yrs to tell us how his wife controls him or how he is tired of the marriage.

I mean, how can someone A MAN for that matter be in such a useless relationship? if the gurl does not want both families understandable, but she wanting hers and keeping his away from HIS OWN HOME is just way beyond me, and the dude is here telling us ''I don taya for the matter''

I need to know if we have real men left in this world.

Yeeepa!
This is more than enough insult of Apache to quit his relationship. My goodness. See as my eyes dey help the bobo see stars.

I expect him here in the next 4 yearsdays giving testimonies about how his life has been turned around for good.

At a launching ceremony, an illiterate Igbo Chief noticed that each dignitary making a donation had two titles attached to his name. For instance, Chief (Dr) Micheal Ohenhe, Prof (Pastor) Felix Oke. This Chief determined not to allow anyone upstage him at the occasion and when it was his turn to speak, he took the mic and announced thus: "I, Late (Chief) Robinson Ikenamuotu donate the sum of N500,000 cash."

Late who?! The hall was empty.

1. He who fights and runs away. . .Na fear catch am.

2. Pikin wey no sabi im mama boyfriend. . .Dey call am brother.

3. A rolling stone. . .No just dey roll, na person push am.

4. He who lives in a glass house. . .Na im pepe rest.

5. A stitch in time. . .E dey prevent further tear tear.

6. Birds of the same feather. . .Na d same mama born dem.

7. One good turn. . .Na correct power steering be that.

8. A bird in hand. . .Wetin e wan be again if no be barbeque?

9. Half bread. . .E better pass buns or puff puff.

10. The journey of a thousand miles. . .O’ boy e beta make u go airport go enter aeroplane.

11. The patient dog. . .Na hunger go kill am and e go wash plate after dem chop finish.

12. All work and no play. . .Na banker be dat.

13. He who laughs last. . .No understand d joke in tym.