₦airaland Forum

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, 'Dad, how many kinds of b[i]oo[/i]bs are there?'

The father, surprised, answers, 'Well, son, there are three kinds of B[i]oo[/i]bs. In her 20's, a woman's are like melons, round and firm. In her 30's to 40's, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions'.

'Onions?'

'Yes, you see them and they make you cry.'

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, 'Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?'

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his 20's, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30's and 40's, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50's, it is like a Christmas Tree.'

'A Christmas tree?'

'Yes - the root's dead and the balls are just for decoration.'

I dey come, una go see the full meanings soon.

Just hold.

Efemena_xy:
^^ what about OKADA and J5's??

We know say you plough that Lagos - Benin - Abia road well well inside J5. I hear say that vehicle dey unstable. Easy o. Life na jeje!

mikuz:
Yes o! What of keke,vespa and molue?

You sef dey drag for molue in this day and age of BRT? Fashola una Messiah go vex o.

BMW: Brings Me Women

LEXUS: Luxury Exports in United States

FIAT: Failure In Italian Automobile Technology

FORD: For Only Romantic Drivers

HYUNDAI: Hope You Understand Nothing's Drivable and Inexpensive

VOLVO: Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object

PORSCHE: Proof Of Rich Spoiled Children Having Everything

KIA: Kills In Accidents

OPEL: Old People Enjoying Life

TOYOTA: The One You Only Trust, Always

NISSAN: Never Insist on Sleeping with a Sexy Ass Nigerian

HONDA: How Oyinbo Deceives Africans

A blonde man calls 911 and says, "Help, my wife has gone into labour and her contractions are 10 minutes apart!" The 911 operator asks, "Is this her first child?" - "Of course not you idiot, this is her husband!"

ogugua88:
The thing is very true sha. The DC was cancelled and the California show is indefinitely postponed. I'm Igbo so my only concern na the money matter lol. Awaiting refund.

Now that's some real cracker.

Thanks OG!

Wife says to husband: "Whisper dirty things into my ear".
Husband leans in and whispers: "Dishes, Laundry, living room!"

A man called home to his wife and said, " Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting, so could you please pack enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box, we're leaving from the office & I will swing by the house to pick my things up."

"Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pyjamas."

The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked.

The following Weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good.

The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fishes?

He said, "Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pyjamas like I asked you to do?

"I did. They're in your fishing box."

1.) Man: “Haven’t we met before?”
Woman: “Yes, I’m the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic.”

3.) Man: “So, wanna go back to my place?”
Woman: “Well, I don’t know. Will two people fit under a rock?”

4.) Man: “I’d really like to get into your pants.”
Woman: “No thanks. There’s already one b[i]asta[/i]rd in there.”

5.) The most memorable rebuttal to a turn down (used by the guy who
used to live across the hall from me back in school) when he asked a girl to dance and she refused:
Man: “Want to Dance?”
Woman: “No, thank you.”
Man: “Don’t thank me, thank God somebody asked you.”

6.) Man: “I’d like to call you. What’s your number?”
Woman: “It’s in the phone book.”
Man: “But I don’t know your name.”
Woman: “That’s in the phone book too.”

7.) Man: “So what do you do for a living?”
Woman: “Female impersonator.”

8.) And here’s one including the correct snappy return
Man: “How do you like your eggs in the morning?”
Woman: “Unfertilized, screw off!”

9.) A girlfriend of mine once had a graying man in his 60’s approach
her in a club with the line,”Where have you been all my life?” She took one glance at him and said, “For the first half
of it, I probably wasn’t born yet.”

10.) A friend of mine came up with a very quick response over vacation.
We were walking down the street and I glanced at a girl who had just walked by. She turned around and said to me, “What are you looking at?”
My friend, walking next to me came to the rescue, “He thought you were good looking, but he was mistaken.”

Four nuns were standing in line at the gates of heaven.

Peter asks the first if she has ever sinned. "Well, once I looked at a man's p[i]en[/i]is," she said. "Put some of this holy water on your eyes and you may enter heaven," Peter told her.

Peter then asked the second nun if she had ever sinned. "Well, once I held a man's p[i]en[/i]is," she replied. "Put your hand in this holy water and you may enter heaven," he said.

Just then the fourth nun pushed ahead of the third nun. Peter asked her, "Why did you push ahead in line?" She said, "Because I want to gargle before she sits in it!"

Three nuns in church on a hot day decide to remove their robes because of the heat. Not an unusual habit on a hot day. So about a half hour later, the door bell rings while their robes are slumped over pews clear across the huge chapel.

They ask who it is. "The blind man," a voice replies.

The three nuns decide to simply open the door because the man is blind. He walks in, looks at the nuns and says, "Nice t[i]it[/i]s! Where do you want me to install these blinds?"

Yes, blame the lawmakers/men in power long before now who gave these firms the space for all these rubbish to come into play.

My late uncle (was an executive of the company) worked with a construction firm here in Naija and those bloody Lebanese always saw Nigerians as not good and felt wary of their every move (Lebanese who are worse off than Nigerians) and all these complains herein are not far fetched. I remember strolling on site with him and there was a brawl between the site instructor and one of the "labourers". Yea, the Naija guy gave the Lebanist word for word and my Uncle was full of smiles that day to see a labourer stand for his right and place him where he belongs (by the way, he was way above the so called Lebanese).

Most people do not know their self worth which is part reason why shyte is thrown in their faces and they go ahead to lick the shyte. Someone mentioned earlier that he noticed the ill-treatment and resigned. Capish! If you know what you stand for and you're good at what you do, you'd always be sought after.

Libya respects most of her citizens which is why they do not owe the mothersucking IMF and they are still hard to bring down with all international forces. I'm not saying Ghaddhafi is a saint cos he has his down sides but I remember someone making a comment to him that when a company got some massive builing and road projects, he instructed that when they are coming, they bring along their "own workers" as he would not entertain his people used as slave for a lean wage. I bet you, it worked. So, we can outrightly blame the people in government as they do not know what is looming around the corner for them.

God help us all!

Easy tigeress.

At your service.

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

Sarah was reading a newspaper, while her husband was engrossed in a magazine. Suddenly, she burst out laughing. "Listen to this," she said. "There's a classified ad here where a guy is offering to swap his wife for a season ticket to the stadium."

"Hmmm," her husband said, not looking up from his magazine.

Teasing him, Sarah said, "Would you swap me for a season ticket?"

"Absolutely not," he said.

"How sweet," Sarah said. "Tell me why not."

"Season's more than half over," he said.

Got pulled over for speeding. The cop said "I've been waiting all day for people like you" I said "Well, I came as quick as I could."

Phil was at the bar one night and complained about having a headache.

"I've got a beautiful cure for a headache", said his mate Trev. "Whenever I have a headache I head home and I get my wife to give me a long, slow, wet bl[i]owj[/i]ob. Never fails!"

A week went by and they were in the bar again, talking. "Did you try my headache cure," asked Trev. "Yeah" said Phil, "Worked great! Your house is nice, too!"

1. When people see you lying down, with your eyes closed they still ask:- Are you sleeping?
A: No! I'm training to die?

2. When it's pouring rain and someone notices you going out, they ask: - Are you going out in this rain?
A: No, in the next one.

3. Your friend calls your home phone:- Where are you?
A: At the bus stop!

4. They see you wet coming from the bathroom:- Did you just have a bath?
A: No, I fell in the toilet bowl!

5. You are standing right in front of the elevator on the ground floor and they ask:- Going up?
A: No, no, I am waiting for my apartment to come down and get me.

6. Your boyfriend comes to your house with a bunch of flowers. And you still ask him:- Are those flowers?
A: No baby! They're Carrots.

7. You're on the queue to buy tickets at the cinema, a friend saw you & asked:- What are you doing here?
A: I'm here to pay my school fees.

8. A friend sees you crying & asks:- Are you crying?
A: No, it's just raining in my eye.

9. Your mum sees you going to school in your uniform & asks:- Are you going to school darling?
A. No mum, I am going to a night club.

Just saw one aboki wrapping his fone with a hankie, out of curiosity, I asked him what he was doing and he was like, "walahi, I wan call my broda e dey hole me moni so I wan hide my number make e no know say na me because if he see my number he no go pick the call".

A small argument between a couple turns violent.
Angry Husband: Do not let the animal in me come out!
Wife: Who is scared of a mouse?

An 11yr old boy was accused of r[i]ap[/i]e in court. His 'lady lawyer' holds his d[i]ic[/i]k saying, "my lord, please look at this, can this r[i]ap[/i]e?" The boy whispers, "Aunty please don't shake it much, otherwise we will lose the case."

A lady visited her doctor again,
Dr. said: You look more sick & exhausted than before. Are you having 3 meals a day as I advised?
Lady: WHAT!? I thought you said 3 MALES a day?

Woman finds her hubby in bed with a female midget. Furious, she screams, "you promised you wouldn't cheat again!" Husband says, "can't you see I've cut down?!"

Malik called a wrong phone number today. He asked, 'Is Mandy there?'

The woman says 'Yes' and he said, 'May I speak to her please?'

She said, 'No, she can't right now, she is only 2 months old.' He then said, 'Alright, I'll wait.'

A girl is said to be grown up when she starts wearing BRA while a boy is grown up when he starts removing it.

you get worms for your belle? I fit send rat to you and cat go follow next.

A princess meets a talking frog.

Princess: Do I kiss you to make you a handsome prince?
Frog: That was my grandfather's time. I need a b[i]lo[/i]w job babe.

Dem dey feed on the worms inside my belle.

I swallow rat and the cat pursue the rat enter my mouth

I go use am do toothpick sha

Very well, thank thee.

(Oya, cat don bite my tongue)

tanimz:
Nice one.

My smallie. . .how art thou?

An example of Total Business Failure due to Negligence. . .A Pregnant pro[b]sti[/b]tute!