₦airaland Forum

A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses."
When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."

MODERATORS!

Since when did Bankole become an Ex-SENATOR?

Get your facts right and stop showing how dull you are to the world.

A football team loses their star player, Roger D[i]ic[/i]ks, due to an injury.

Next day a headline reads: "Team to play without D[i]ic[/i]ks."

The manager calls up the newspaper and objects, so the editor changes the Headline. It reads: "Team to play with D[i]ic[/i]ks out."

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee.

The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well . . . .?"

She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D br[i]ea[/i]st, 24" waist and 34" hips. When she walks into a room, people say, 'Oh My God'."

Simbi was in a restaurant yesterday when she suddenly realized she desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud that she timed her gas with the beat of the music. After a couple of seconds, she felt better. She finished her lunch & noticed that everybody was staring at her. Then she suddenly remembered that she was listening to her iPod.

Two g[b]a[/b]ys got into a heated argument. Whilst arguing, 1 of them shouted: Kiss My A[b]ss[/b]! The other replied: This is not the time 2 be romantic.

A police arrested a pr[i]osti[/i]tute in the hospital area and asked for her profession;

Pro[i]st[/i]itute: I'm a social Engineer
Policeman: What do you do?
Pro[i]st[/i]itute: I build and destroy erections

A man walked into a therapist's office looking very depressed. "Doc, you've got to help me. I can't go on like this."

"What's the problem?" the docotor inquired.

"Well, I'm 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away."

"My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person, and an attractive person. But say it with real conviction. Within a week you'll have women buzzing all around you."

The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a bit excited. Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden expression on his face.

"Did my advice not work?" asked the doctor.

"It worked alright. For the past several weeks I've enjoyed some of the best moments in my life with the most fabulous looking women."

"So, what's your problem?"

"I don't have a problem," the man replied. "My wife does."

The aspiring psychiatrists were attending their first class on emotional extremes. "Just to establish some parameters," said the professor to the student from Arkansas, "What is the opposite of joy?"

"Sadness," said the student.

And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma.

"Elation," said she.

"And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas, "how about the opposite of woe?"

The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up."

Rapture has been postponed in Nigeria as the materials required to rapture the saints in the 36 states have not arrived. The Chairman of the Rapture Committee said this is to ensure a credible, free and fair rapture. A new date will be announced later today.

thirty:
i wonder why you dont get the fact.

"It is from their nursing training. Doctors are better."

There was a nurse that died recently in LUTH and the student were rejoicing. imaging because of her wickedness.

Now that's funny. (Well like the saying goes, the end justify the means---same way people rejoiced when Sani Abacha died, when Osama Bin Laden died too)

Couple in bed; Wife is trying to sleep and hubby is reading. Every now and then, hubby puts his hands under the sheets and slowly runs a finger along her p[i]us[/i]sy. Wife takes her nightie off and starts to gently rub his c[i]oc[/i]k and hubby says "not tonight, I'm trying to read." She shouts back, "why the f[i]uc[/i]k did you start with the pre-intimacy then?" He replied, "that wasn't pre-intimacy, I was just wetting my fingers to turn the pages!"

What is the best punishment for a woman?

Give her new clothes matching her jewelry and nice cosmetics and then lock her in a room without mirror.

Manager: I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier today, we like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?
Boy: Warri, sir.
Manager: Well, why did you leave Warri?
Boy: Oga, nothing dey there apart from ashawo and footballers.
Manager: Really? My wife is from Warri.
Boy: Really? Which club she been dey play for?

Little Joe walked into his dad's study while his dad was working on the computer.
"Dad," said Joe, "Remember when you told me you'd give me twenty dollars if I passed my math test?"
Dad nodded.
"Well, the good news is that I just saved you twenty bucks."

In the exam hall look above for 'Inspiration' then look below for 'Concentration' and if none works then look BESIDE you for INFORMATION

A woman is like Bluetooth. You are next to her, she stays connected. You go away, she finds new devices. A man, however, is like wifi. Many devices can connect to him as long as he is not secured

Princpial: Goodday Miss Fregene, are you the new English Language teacher?

Miss Fregene: Yes, I are!

A maid asked for a pay increase.

The madam (a wife) was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.

She asked:
'Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?'
Maria: 'Well, Mam, there are THREE REASONS why I want an increase.

The first is that I iron better than you.'
Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'
Maria: 'Your husband say so.'
Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.
Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you are a better cook than me?'
Maria: 'Your husband did.'
Wife: 'Oh.

Maria: 'The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in bed.
Wife: (really furious now) 'Ah! Did my husband say that as well?'
Maria: 'No Mam. . .Your driver says'.
Wife: 'Ok Ok, So how much do you want?'

A new Army Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the Afghan Desert. During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent. He asked the Sergeant why the camel was kept there.

The nervous sergeant said, 'Sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post and no women. Sometimes the men have urges. That's why we have Molly The Camel.

The Captain said, 'I can't say that I condone this, but I can understand about the 'urges', so the camel can stay.

About a month later, the Captain starts having his own 'urges'. Crazed with passion, he asked the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls his pants down and has wild and insane sex with the camel. When he's done, he asked the Sergeant, 'Is that how the men do it?'

No sir. They usually just ride the camel into town. That's where the girls are.

Dad joined facebook. . .kid's status update: "Dad on FB. . .wtf!!! Dad commented, 'what is wtf?' Kid replied 'welcome to facebook'

A human wakes on a day and puts this thing on her head and feels she's okay, right? All 'em barbie doll girls. . .What's could be more annoying than seeing comments fly by on social networking sites complimenting them?

Well, like some said, we are hypocrites but then it is best to keep shut than appreciate something you would condemn on a normal day all because of kpekus. Chei!!!

During a soldier-hostage setup, a soldier catches 2 girls and their grandma.
Soldier: I will r[i]ap[/i]e all of you!
Girls: [i]Ra[/i]pe us but please leave our grandma out of it!
Grandma: Leave who out? War is war, everybody must face the consequences.

Yesterday a beautiful, sexy, good looking lady was sitting next to a guy inside the plane. The lady said to him 'Can you help me to remove something from my br[i]ea[/i]st? Please.' The exciting young man replied, 'Wow! It will be my pleasure. So what is it?' The lady answered, "Your Eyes, id[i]i[/i]ot!"

A man fainted outside Mr. Biggs and soon a crowd formed around him. A passer-by suggested, "give him some water, it will help." The man heard this and opened one eye and replied, "comot from here, if na water I wan drink, I for go faint for water board."

Lettuce: I'm not happy with my looks, I look like a tree.

Cabbage: And me, I look like a brain.

Mushroom: That's not too bad, me, I look like an umbrella.

Banana and Sausage: OK! OK! Can we please change the topic?

Chicken is the result of a sitting hen while the baby is the result of a standing cock.

A rastaman went to visit an old family friend. He knocked on the door and someone inside said: " Who is there ? "

Rastaman: " IT IS I AND I, JAH RASTAFARI, KING OF KINGS, LORD OF LORD: CONQUERING LION OF THE TRIBE OF JUDAH, SON OF HAILE SELASSIE I"

The person inside responded: "SORRY,I CANT OPEN THE DOOR FOR ALL OF YOU!"

A popular motivational speaker addressing his audience said: "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who wasn't my wife!" The audience was in silence and shock. The speaker added: "And that woman was my mother!" Laughter and Applause.

A week later, a top manager trained by the motivational speaker tried to crack this very effective joke at home. He was a bit foggy after a drink. He said loudly to his wife who was preparing dinner, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who was not my wife!" The wife went; "ahhhh!" with shock and rage. Standing there for 20 seconds trying to recall the second half of the joke, the manager finally blurted out ". . .and I can't remember who she was!"

By the time the manager regained his consciousness, he was on a hospital bed nursing first degree burns from boiling cooking oil.

Moral of the story: Don't copy if you can't paste.

My Dear,

Thank you for being my love for the last five years and half. When you recieve this letter I believe you might have a new boyfriend and started enjoying your dating life.

Every lover needs to struggle a bit to get a boyfriend or a girlfriend. I got another girl from the next street and as you know this my 20^th girlfriend. When the love blossoms, everyone starts writing love letters. You know very well I have written many love letters to you and you knw how difficult it is to come up with all those romantic poems nowadays dear and it's a time consuming work. In order to avoid all these, I need all my love letters back so that I can edit and send them to my new girlfriend. Please, send them back to me cos I don't have any photocopy of these letters.

Another thing my dear, I've given you one beautiful photo of me, can you send it to me? You know it's the only nice photo I ever took.

Also during our five and half years of love, I've spent a lot of money on impressing you. Here's a list of expenses incurred & I request you to clear it at the earliest. The expenses are as follow;

Lunch/Dinner 1300
Drinks 670
Snacks 435
Juice 569
Cinema 700
Internet chatting 450
Mobile 700
Some I dont remember including gifts but estimate of 14000.00

Please try to clear the above amount so that I can spend the money on my new girlfriend and please the currency is in US Dollars. Moreover, if you have some of my gifts lying with you, I'm ready to take them back at half the price. Please, calculate the value of the left over and deduct it from the above statement of account.

Enclosed here are your love letters which weigh 4kg in case you need poems to write to your new boyfriend.

I hope you'll cooperate with me.

Your EX Gi Dis

2buff:
Mrs Chima caught on tape  

[flash=500,350]
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6M10RDwnBZc&NR=1[/flash]

Couldn't stop laughing from watching that "action". Useless Indian movies like Naija movies too.

Lord_Reed:
@2buff
Still doesn't make it right for you do.

I have withstood worse and survived with my dignity intact so a multi-hitting lady is small beans.

A man does not need to be prone to violence to obtain respect. You can exude dignity so much so people naturally respect you and even during altercations are gonna think twice before resorting to hitting you.

It is really a good thing to have what they call "self-control" and be able to withstand pain and hurt and I continually pray and wish to never be caught in such happenings but Lord Reed, my prayer for you is may you never end up in a hospital from such. By the way, what are you doing with such kind of persons when you know they can't keep their hands to themselves when it ain't a case of cuddling and sexting.

TEACHER: Pete, do you know what a 'period' is?

PETE: Yes Sir! When my sister said she missed her period, my mum fainted, my dad got very mad and the driver ran away!