₦airaland Forum

Barka de Sallah to all my Muslim peeps. I would like some RAM please, preferably 8GB. (-_-).
Thank you as you do so!

Sid and Irv are business partners. They make a deal that whichever one dies first will contact the living one from the afterlife. So Irv dies. Sid doesn't hear from him for about a year, figures there is no afterlife. Then one day he gets a call. It's Irv. "So there is an afterlife! What's it like?" Sid asks. 'Well, I sleep very late. I get up, have a big breakfast. Then I have sex, lots of sex. Then I go back sleep, but I get up for lunch, have a big lunch. Have some more sex. Take a nap. Huge dinner. More sex. Go to sleep, and wake up the next day." "Oh, my god," says Sid "So that's what heaven is like?" "Oh no," says Irv. "I'm not in heaven. I'm a bear in Yellowstone Park."

A man heard a knock on his door and opened and there was a snail. He picked it and threw it as far as he could and then locked his door. After three years he heard a knock on his door and he opened, there was the same snail again and the snail angrily said: what was that all about?

1. Sylvia says: Waiter, pls I like my salad very hot also can I have 2 bottles of shawarma?
2. Sharon says: Ore mi give me your PIN lemme call you.
3. Mabel says: I'm so tired, I just made my hair in shoprite.
4. Rejoice replies: Really?? I want to spend my summer in London this Christmas period.
5. Cynthia explains: I Just bought my BB but I haven't collected the PIN.
6. Bose brags: When I'm flying, I always like the window seat cos I open the window for fresh air.
7. Fatima says: I prefer London to UK during the winter.
8. Titi says: Hmmm, you can't even imagine, I just bought a G-string and the thing I like most about it is the back pocket.
9. Bukola orders: Please, if you don't have meatpie, doughnuts or scotch egg, just give me snacks.
10. Toyin laments: In our house eh, we use to have 3 pools until armed robbers stole 1.

Little Johnny's earth science class teacher was lecturing on map reading. After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes she asked, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude?"
After a confused silence, Little Johnny volunteered, "I guess you'd be eating alone".

Death came to a guy and said,"My friend today is your day to die". The guy said,"But I am not ready!". Then death said,"Well your name is the next on my list". So the guy told death,"Ok why don't you take a seat and I will get you something to eat before we go?". Then death said,"All right". The guy gave death some food with sleeping pills in it, death finished eating and fell into a deep sleep.
The guy took the list & removed his name from top of the list to the bottom of the list. When death woke up he said to the guy, "I will start from the bottom of the list because you have been so very nice to me".

When women decide to outsmart men, this is what happens . . .

A husband and his young wife were not on good terms. In fact the wife was convinced he was hammering Victoria, the pretty housemaid, so she laid a trap. One evening she decided to send Victoria away for the weekend and didn't inform the husband. That night when they went to bed, the husband gave the same old story: "Excuse me my dear, my stomach" and disappeared the towards the bathroom. The wife promptly dashed along the corridor, up the back stairs into the maid's bed. She just had time to switch the light off when in he came silently. He wasted no time or words but quickly got on top of her and got into action. When he finished and still panting, the wife said, "You didn't expect to find me in this bed, did you?!" and switched on the light. "No madam", replied the gardener.

Dunno when last I clicked that topic but for the few times I have visited the "Joke Section", I have to say that OFFTOPIC CHAT THREAD is the worst of its kind, not because of its content (which I reiterate, I haven't clicked to see what it holds lately) but solely because it is the only OFFTOPIC THREAD that it yet to get to the 90^th page in over 5 months (if I am not mistaken) of its existence yet every interesting topic should get to its 100^th page before being locked.

Well goes on to tell you what this once-a-lovely-section has turned out to be. (Interests and communications really fading).

Danny, when did the JOKE SECTION become a recycle bin or your OGA nor fit create another section for Nairaland and tag am RECYCLE BIN? Why push unwanted stuffs from other sections down here even when they aren't really funny? Abeg make una MOD call for family meeting and make am one of una agenda.

My 2 Kobo!!!

Woman: Hello, good morning.
Radio Station: Good morning, what can we do for you today?
Woman: Please, I will like two tickets to the A.Y live show holding this weekend.
Radio Station: well, you can have the ticket only if you can play a prank on someone on air and make them believe it.
Woman: No problem, what do you want me to do?
Radio Station: Are you married? Do you have kids?
Woman: Yes, I’ve been married for 10 years and I have a 9 year old son and a 5 year old daughter.
Radio Station: OK, good! This is what you will do, you will call your husband and tell him he is not the father of your son.
Woman: (laughs) wow, that’s a big one.
Radio Station: Well, depends on how bad you want the tickets and anyway we will be live on air listening to you and will step in to tell him it’s all a prank. So you are ready?
Woman: Ok, I’m ready, let’s do this cos I really want to go for the show.
Radio Station: Alright, give us his number let’s call him and do a 3 way, where is he right now?
Woman: He is in the office, this is his number ………………………………!!!
(Radio Station calls the husband and do a 3 way phone call without the husband knowing he is on the air……………………!!!)
Woman: Hello darling.
Husband: Hi love, missing me already?
Woman: Yes dear, how is work dear?
Husband: Good, missing you too baby, can’t wait to get back home and make sweet love to you all over again like we did this morning.
Woman: Me too love. But ….em…, em……there is something I want to tell you.
Husband: Ok, I’m all ears dear but let’s make it quick cos I have a meeting in 5 minutes.
Woman: You know I love you?
Husband: Yes I do.
Woman: And we have promised to always be sincere to each other.
Husband: Yes we did.
Woman: And we are Christians that believe in Christ and would do as Christ will do.
Husband: You are starting to scare me dear, please, what’s this about?
Woman: Something happened in my office 9 years ago.
Husband: Please tell me, what’s happened?
Woman: The annual xmas party we have every December in the office, 9 years ago I got so drunk and Were Intimate with a co-worker. I swear I was so drunk I did not know what I was doing and em….em…, em……… you are not the father of our son.
Husband: WHAAAATTTT ??
Woman: I just felt I should let you know. But I don’t even talk to the guy anymore; it was just a one off thing.
Husband: and you are just telling me now? Are you insane? Do you know what this will do to me?
Woman: I’m sorry love; I just wanted to get it off my chest.
Husband: I can’t believe you would do this to me; this is crazy, I’m so mad with you right now.
Woman: I’m so sorry my love, please don’t be mad with me, I just felt I should confess and then you can forgive me like the true Christians we are.
Husband: You are crazy. You want forgiveness? Ok, you too forgive this, I have been sleeping with your sister for the past 5 years.
Radio Station: HOLY SH[b]IT[/b]!!!
Woman: What did you say?
Husband: You heard me; after all, you are in the mood to confess and be forgiven, so I’ve also given u my own confession so we can be on the same page. Is there someone on the phone with you?
Radio Station: sir, this is a live show, you are on the air right now, we asked your wife to play a prank on you so that you guys can get two tickets to go watch the AY live show this weekend.
Husband: Oh [b]Sh[/b]it!!!
Woman: Are you serious Tell me, are you serious?
Radio Station: wow, this is not what we expected sir.
Husband: I can’t talk right now……………… (Phone cuts).

Hmmm, crazy, right So, if you were the woman, what would you do? And as the guy, damage control? Denial? Ask for forgiveness? What would you do?

Kamoru is indeed a pain in the ya[i]ns[/i]h

Three friends shared the same hotel room and are going 2 the hotel room on the 100th floor. The lift was not working so they decided to take the stairs and to make it easier for them, they decided to tell a story each.
Emeka told an action story up till the 50^th floor.
Henry was the second and he told a funny story up till the 99^th floor. They were still laughing when Akpos told his own story that made all of them breakdown in tears! The story was so short & so touching! It goes like this; "I forgot the room key in the car".

Man: Hello! Is this 911?
Police: Yes! What's your emergency?
Man: Two girls are fighting over me!
Police: What's wrong with that??!
Man: The ugly one is winning. . .Please hurry!!!

A plane was transporting a bunch of mad men to a well facilitated psychiatry home and they were making noise. One of the madmen enters the Pilot's cabin
MADMAN: Teach me how 2 fly a plane.
PILOT: I would but under 1 condition, if you can get your friends 2 keep quiet
MADMAN: OK.

, (5mins later the plane got very quiet).

PILOT; Wow, how did you get them 2 keep quiet?
MADMAN: I opened the door and told THEM 2 go play outside

While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, the policeman was interrupted by a 6 year-old looking up and down his uniform, she asked. “Are you a policeman? “Yes,” he answered and continued writing the report. “My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?” “Yes, that’s right, the policeman told her. “Well, then,” the little girl said as she extended her foot toward him, “would you please tie my shoe?”

One day in New York City, a banker was driving his new Jaguar down the streets. He parked it and opened the door to get out. Suddenly a taxi went by and ripped the door off. The driver reported this to a nearby police officer. The officer saw the whole thing and said, "you bankers are so involved in your possessions. You didn't even notice that your arm was ripped off as well". The banker stared at where his arm used to be and said "OH NO! My new Rolex is gone too!"

A goat and a chicken were discussing while walking along the roadside when suddenly a car passed and splashed water on them. Angrily the chicken hissed and said "don't mind them, that's how they drive like goats", & the goat retorted and said "hmmn that's why they die like chicken"

Bakari is a house boy who always drinks his boss's wine and puts water in the bottle to replace what he drank but the boss was suspicious and decided to buy pastis (a french wine that changes colour if you add water). Bakari as usual, drank from the wine and topped it up with water (to replace what he drank) but unfortunately for him, immediately he added water, the pastis became milky. When the boss came back and noticed it, he knew he had nailed Bakari. Bakari also knew that he was in trouble and decided to stay put in the kitchen when his boss came home. The boss told his wife and said he would call Bakari to come and acknowledge his evil ways.
Boss: Bakari!(he called from the sitting room).
Bakari answered "yes boss".
Boss: Who drank my pastis?
Bakari: (No answer)
The boss asked again still no answer, then the boss went to the kitchen to meet him there;
"Are you insane or what? I call you, you answered saying 'yes boss', but when I ask you a question you don't answer me.
Bakari retorted that "when you are in the kitchen you do not understand anything at all, except your name". "Is that so?" asked the boss, "Okay you stay beside madam, while I'll go into the kitchen, and you will ask me a question".
Bakari accepted.
The boss went into the kitchen and Bakari shouted: "Boss!"
He answered, "yes Bakari"
"Who goes into the maid's room when madam is not around?"
(No answer)
Bakari shouted again: "Boss, I say who made the maid pregnant?"
(No answer)
Third time: "Boss, I say who made the maid pregnant?"
The boss runs back from the kitchen shouting: " Wonders shall never cease! Bakari it is true, when one is in the kitchen, one does not hear anything except one's name."

A man came to work on Monday morning with two black eyes. His boss asked what happened. The man replied, “On Sunday, I was sitting behind a big woman at church. When we stood up to sing hymns, I noticed that her dress was caught in her butt crack, so I was trying to be nice and I pulled it out for her. Then, she turned around and punched me in the eye.” The boss asked, “Okay, so where did you get the other shiner?” “Well,” the man said, “I figured she didn’t want it out, so I pushed it back in.”

MODERATOR AND OP

"Why Am Yet To Get Married - Olisa Adibua"

"Why I'm Yet To Get Married - Olisa Adibua"

Two guys meet up in a bar. The first one asks, "Did your hear the news - Mike is dead??!!!" "Woah, what the hell happened to him?" "Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn't brake properly and boom - He hit the curb, the car flipped over and he crashed through the sunroof - Went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window." "What a horrible way to die!" "No no, he survived that, that didn't kill him at all. So, he's landed in my upstairs bedroom and he's all covered in broken glass on the floor. Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He's just dragging himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe comes crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones." What a way to go, that's terrible!" "No no, that didn't kill him he survived that. He managed to get the wardrobe off him and crawls out onto the landing, he tries to pull himself up on the banister but under his weight, the banister breaks and he goes falling down on to the first floor. In mid air, all the broken banister poles spin and fall on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him." "Now that is the most unfortunate way to go!" "No no, that didn't kill him, he even survived that. So he's on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawls in to the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the stove, but reached for a big pot of boiling hot water, whoosh, the whole thing came down on him and burned most of his skin off him." "Man, what a way to go!" "No no, he survived that, he survived that! He's lying on the ground, covered in boiling water and he spots the phone and tries to pull himself up, to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and pulls the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity didn't mix and so he got electrocuted, wallop, 10,000 volts shot through him." "Now that is one awful way to go!" "No no, he survived that. . ." "Hold on now, just how the hell did he die?" "I shot him!" "You shot him? What the hell did you shoot him for?" "He was wrecking my house."

Titi says. . .Hmmm, you can't even imagine, I just bought a G-string and the thing I like most about it is the back pocket.
Halima orders. . .Please, if you don't have meat pie, doughnuts or scotch egg, just give me snacks.
Chibuzor laments. . .In our house eh, we use to have 3 swimming pools until armed robbers stole dem

Got a leaflet through my door last night. It says "call this number if you are an alcoholic" so i did. . .It was the bloody liquor store.

A guy and his blonde girlfriend are driving to the movies one night for a date.

As the guy was making a right turn, he noticed his turn signal light inside the car didn't light up at all. So as he approached the next right turn, he asked his girlfriend to please stick her head out the window and tell him if his turn signal is working.

She happily obliges and at the turn she sticks her head out the window and replies, "It is. . . It isn't. . . It is. . . It isn't. . . It is. . . It isn't."

Employee: Boss, now I have got married please increase my salary!

BOSS: Factory is not responsible for accidents occurring outside the company!

An ugly woman walks into to a psychiatrist' s office. "My life is a mess, doctor," she began. "I am so ugly that no one will associate with me, touch me, or even talk to me. Can you help?"

"Why, certainly! Helping people feel better about themselves is my area of expertise. I can start making you feel more confident about your appearance right here and now."

"Oh, I am so grateful! What should I do first?" she asked.

"First, just walk over to the other side of the room and lie face down on my couch."

Teacher: History is a very interesting subject. It tells you about what had happened in the past.

Student: Please teacher, I don't think I want to study history.

Teacher: Why?

Student: There is no future in it

A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. He said 'Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!'

The preacher said, 'Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity.'

The man said, 'I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!'

The preacher said, 'No s[b]h[/b]it!'

A man tired of Lagos girls, went to his village in Akwa Ibom to pick a wife. He got a real village girl, paid her dowry and brought her to Lagos. When he wanted to make love to her, he found out that her pubic hair was too much and he asked her to shave. The girl goes, "Sir, I no fit shave o, this hair make all the boys for village dey call me Afro baby".

From a Limpopo High School, grammar teacher: "The girl goes to school, goesn't she? (Hmmm!)

From Brits, somewhere in Rabokala High School teacher: "Both of you three come here!. (Na waooo!)

An irritated Soshanguve primary School teacher to a student: "Tomorrow I want you to come with your father, your mother and both your parents!"

On seeing twins enter his office, the deputy principal of Lepelle high School at Marblehall said:" You look together; are you twice, who is copying who? (Wahala dey oo)

Notice at a store in Mothutlung: "Open seven days a week and weekends" (shoo!)

Sipho admonished two boys who were arguing:"Don't speak so twice together, man, Speak once upon a time!" (Shege!)

My favourite remains what Julius Malema said: "I would rather kill myself than commit suicide" ( una dey see am)

I dey come with the answer

A woman's v[b]agi[/b]na