₦airaland Forum

While this Jamaican guy is having s[i]e[/i]x with a very sexy lady, he gets to a certain point, withdraws and heads for the kitchen. He returns with a bowl of water and starts to pour on the lady's kpekus. When asked by the lady why he did such, he replied saying, "I'm diabetic and my doctor advised that I should always dilute very sweet things with water".

Jackpot's neighbour (Chykason) came to his apartment in the evening to check on him as he had not seen him through out the day as usual. When he arrived, the door was open and he walked in just to see another man kissing Jackpot's wife. Immediately, they refrain from kissing and they exchange greetings.

Chykason: Who's that man?
Jackpot's wife: He is my hubby's friend
Chykason: Where is your husband?
Jackpot's wife: He went to see his sick brother and will not return home tonight.

Then Chykason leaves while they continue with their kissing. On his way out, he meets Jackpot not far from his apartment and says to him, I was coming from your apartment and met your friend kissing your wife. Jackpot rushed to his house while Chykason returned to his own apartment. Less than 15 minutes later, Jackpot knocks on Chykason's door and immediately gives Chykason a resounding slap when the door was opened.

Chykason: Why did you do that?
Jackpot: You lied to me
Chykason: But I met your friend kissing your wife
Jackpot: You fool! He is not my friend

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.
In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket."
The man leans out and with a glint in his eye said "I've got a better idea, let's pretend we're married."
"Why not," giggles the woman.
"Good," he replies. "Get your own blanket."

A guy is reading his paper when his wife walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head with a frying pan. ( #That'sGangsta)
He asks, "What was that for?"
She says, "I found a piece of paper in your pocket with 'Betty Sue' written on it."
He says, "Jeez, honey, remember last week when I went to the track? 'Betty Sue' was the name of the horse I went there to bet on." She shrugs and walks away. Three days later he's reading his paper when she walks up behind him and smacks him harder on the back of the head again with the frying pan. ( #VeryGangsta)
He asks, "What was that for?"
She answers, "Your horse called."

An employee comes into her manager’s office to take a day off from work. The manager replies, So you want a day off. Let's take a look at what you are asking for. There are 365 days per year available for work. There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work. Since you spend 16 hours each day away from work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available. You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break, which counts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available. With a 1-hour lunch each day, you used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work. You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days per year available for work. We are off 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days. We generously give 14 days vacation per year which leaves only 1 day available for work and I'll be darned if you are going to take that day off!

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "why is the bride dressed in white?" "Because white is the color of happiness," her mother explained. "And today is the happiest day in her life." The child thought about this for a moment. "So why is the groom wearing black?"

Man offers a drink to a woman.
Woman: "No thans, whisky is bad for my legs".
Man: "Legs? That's strange. Do they hurt or swell?"
Woman: "No, they open easily!"

A man went for HIV test in a hospital on a Friday and was told to come back for the result the following Monday. When he went to church on Sunday, the pastor declared to the people that everything you are looking forward to this week will be positive. The man jumped up within the congregation and shouted ''I reject it in Jesus name, my own go be Negative".

On the first day God created the dog and said, “Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.”
The dog said, “That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?”
So God agreed.
On the second day God created the monkey and said, “Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.”
The monkey said, “Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?”
And God agreed.
On the third day, God created the cow and said, “You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.”
The cow said, “That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?”
And God agreed again.
On the fourth day, God created man and said, “Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.”
But man said, “Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?”
“Okay”, said God, “You asked for it.”
So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you. It took me yearsminutes to understand this. . .There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service.

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: “Slim, I’m 83 years old now and I’m just full of aches and pains. I know you’re about my age. How do you feel?”
Slim says, “I feel just like a new born baby.”
“Really!? Like a newborn baby!?”
“Yep. No hair, no teeth and I think I just wet my pants.”

. . .Monday Morning,

Mrs Wenger: wake up Arsene, its 9 already!
Arsene Wenger: What?! They scored another one?!

A drunk phoned the police to report that thieves had been in his car. "They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, the radio, and even the accelerator," he cried out. However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time and the same voice came over the line. "Never mind," he said with a hiccup, "I got in the back seat by mistake."

Teacher: How can we keep our school clean?
Pupil: By staying at home.

A blonde walks into an appliance store and says, "I would like to buy that T.V. please."

The store clerk replies, "I'm sorry, we don't do business with blondes."

So she stormed off back to her house and dyed her hair black.

The next day, she went back to the same store and said I would like to buy that T.V. please.

The store clerk, once again, replies, "Sorry, we don't do business with blondes."

The blonde replied, "How did you know I was blonde? The clerk says Because that's a microwave."

A man was hailed into court for dumping trash in a forbidden area.

The judge asked, "Didn't you see the sign posted there?"

"Yes sir, I sure did," replied the man. "It says real plain in big letters 'FINE FOR DUMPING'!"

Malema and his bodyguards are making letter bombs.
One of the bodyguards: "I'm not sure whether I put enough explosive in this envelope before I sealed it."
Malema: "Well, then open it and look."
Bodyguard: "But if I open it, it will explode!"
Malema: "Don't be st[i]up[/i]id – it's not addressed to you!"

A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse.

In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," The lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom."

He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly.

A minute passed. Nothing happened. Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and I insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."

The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.

"But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door."

The jury foreman replied: "Oh, we did look, but we noted that your client didn't."

Jackpot: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"

Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"

Jackpot: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"

Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"

Jackpot: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."

Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped. It's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"

Jackpot: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it.

At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. Jackpot had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive!

#st[i]up[/i]id!!!

Customer: I can't get on the Internet.

Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?

Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.

Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?

Customer: Five stars.

Tech support: Okay Chyka, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager.

Customer: I don't have a P.

Tech support: On your keyboard, Chyka.

Customer: What do you mean?

Tech support: "P" . . . On your keyboard, Chyka.

Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!!!

No need to be scared of the MU²

I've got your back, okay?

So that monkey bears the name Peter? What a Crackpot!

I think we should leave it this way Jackpot = Peter = Crackpot = Mumu = (MU²)

Even for a million pounds some years back, I'll still have refused f[i]uc[/i]king your momma knowing fully well the kinda problem child she still brought in to the world after hitting off with her neighbour in your face-me-I-slap-you house.

Try dieing for a change Crackpot, you'd be doing NL and Nigeria a favour

Catch me in the territory if your GPS extends to dat region

@Dani. . .You're a product of a baboon and a monkey
So becos your fellow jokers and insulters turned dis place to a chat room and it didn't suit you, you decided to remove from "stuck thread". Your middlename na oppressor.

@Jackpot and Co (a few of una wen dey boring and dey follow rules). . .I think you all should take a cue from part 1 and 2 of this topic and see how interesting it was not this rubbish all of you are spewing here looking for who not to offend. Infact faya from candle burn una pubic hair and armpit and that same candle faya burn Jackpot bald head.

IN THIS THREAD, RULES DO NOT APPLY!

A man accused of theft was appearing before the Judge.

"Your Honor," his lawyer said, "I feel it is very unfair for my client to be accused of theft. He arrived in this city only a few days ago and barely knows his way around. What's more, he is only able to speak a few words of English."

The judge looked sternly at the defendant and asked, "How much English do you speak?"

The defendant looked up and replied, "Give me your wallet!"

Once Jackpot kept having the same weird dream every day, so he went to his doctor.

Doctor: What was your dream about?

Jackpot: I was being chased by a vampire!

Doctor: Really, What was the scenery like?

Jackpot: I was running in a hallway.

Doctor: Then what happened?

Jackpot: Well, that's the weird thing. In every single dream, the same thing happened. I would always come to this door, but I couldn't open it. I kept pushing the door and pushing the door, but it wouldn't budge!

Doctor: Did the door have any letters on it?

Jackpot: Yes, it did.

Doctor: And what did the letters spell?

Jackpot: It said, "P-U-L-L."

You just dey do everything to call me out.
You go fit stand when I bring the faya come your zone?

Anyway, na how you take grow u dey display so. You and your bro dey mess for una mouth with pride.

kody-licky:
happy bi-day sledge
have a blast

Thanks K-licky

Sophizzy:
Hope I'm not too late?

[size=16pt]HAPPY BIRTHDAY SLEDGE!!! WISH YOU THE BEST OF ALL LIFE HAS TO OFFER! [/size]

Thanks Sophizzy

yinkalink:
Thou its a lil late, HAPPY BIRTHDAE!!!(in arrears)

Thanks Yinka and you should have asked for my address so that you deliver the gift in person.

dani1luv:
Happy Betday OO, were boi

See this olofofo dey call pesin were
Thanks plenty!

Little Johnny asks the teacher, "Teacher, can I go to the bathroom?"

The teacher replies, "Yes, but only after you recite the alphabet, Johnny."

Little Johnny says, "Fine!" Then he quickly babbles out: "ABCDEFGHIJKLMNO QRSTUVWXYZ!"

The teacher asks him, "Where is the P, Johnny?"

Johnny screams, "IT'S RUNNING DOWN MY LEG!!! PLEASE LET ME GO TO THE BATHROOM!!!"

Little Johnny was with his mom as she was driving her old beat up car on the Highway. She tried to keep up with traffic but they were flying by her. After getting caught in a large group of cars flying down the road she looked at her speedometer to see she is doing 15 miles over the speed limit.

Slowing down she moved over to the side to let the group of cars get ahead. She looked up and saw the flashing lights of a police car. Pulling over she waited for the officer to come up to her car.

As he did he said, "Ma'am do you know why I pulled you over?"

Little Johnny piped up from the back seat, "I do! It's because you couldn't catch the other cars."

Eternal God, we put our faces on the ground before you today as we beg you to forgive our sins, even though, we black people, haven't sinned. I'm saying this because we are not the ones who killed your only son Jesus Christ, white people did!

As you know even better than we do, he was betrayed by a white man, they handed him over to another white man who ordered him to be whipped!

Moreover, these same white people ordered him to be crucified! The traitor was called Judas Iscariot. You can check this out, we don't have names like Iscariot here in Nigeria, we are called: Ikenna, Emem, Yakubu, Achebe, Odige, Ada, Sade, Sola, Halima, Idara, Chidi, Hassana, Nana, Taiwo, Nnamdi, Shehu, Osaro, Funke, Chidera, Danjuma, Doyinsola, Aloaye….

We have no clue where is the Golgotha (that's the place where they crucified your beloved son), we just know how to go from Lagos to Kaduna to Abuja to Ibadan to Enugu to Maidugiri and come back.

We've never been to any of the holy cities in the Bible; therefore we can't possibly be implicated in the crucifixion of our Lord. If you don't believe us, please watch the movie "The Passion of the Christ", and you will see for yourself that no black person, let alone an African or a Nigerian took part to that sad event.

This is why we beg you, O Lord Almighty, please make black people rich at long last and let white people work for them for a change!
Otherwise, open more avenues so we can catch them mugu.

Amen & Amen!