₦airaland Forum

While visiting Nigeria , George Bush was invited to tea with Obasanjo.
He asks Obasanjo what his leadership philosophy is. He says
that, it is to surround himself with intelligent people.
Bush asks how he knows if they're intelligent.
"I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Olusegun.
"Allow me to demonstrate. "
Bush watches as Obasanjo phones Ngozi Iweala and says, "Ms. Fianance Minister, please answer this question: your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"
Iweala immediately responds, "It's me, Sir !"
"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says Obasanjo. He hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?"
Bush nods: "Yes Mr.President. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!" Bush, upon returning to Washington , decides he'd better put the Condoleeza Rice to the test. Bush summons her to the White House and says, "Condoleeza, I wonder if you can answer a question for me."
"Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?"
Bush poses the question: "Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?" Rice was puzzled and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?" Bush agrees, and Rice leaves. Rice immediately calls a meeting of senior senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Rice calls Colin Powell and explains the problem. "Mr. Powell, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?" Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course."
Much relieved, Rice rushes back to the White House, finds George Bush, and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's our Colin Powell!"

And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, it's Ngozi Iweala!"

niceZ will you be my NL val?

There were these three women who escaped from prison. A blonde and two brunets. So to get away from the cops they hid in an abandoned farm house. In the farm house there were three burlap sacks sitting around. So they hid in them. When the cops came to the farm house the one of the cops saw the sacks, the officers yells, "There's just three burlap sacks in here!" To which his partner replies, "Then kick them just to be sure it's not them hiding".

The officer goes and kicks the one with the brunette in it and she yells, "MEEEYYOWW!" the officer said "Oh, its just a stupid cat in there."


So he kicks the one with the other brunet in it and she yells, "RUUFFF RUFFF!", so the officer says, "Oh, it's just a stupid dog!"


Then he kicks the sack with the blonde in it and she yells, "POTATOES!"

When you are dating, Farting is never an issue
When you are married , You make sure there's nothing flammable near your husband, at all times

When you are dating, He takes you out to have a good time
When you are married , He brings home a 6 pack, and says "What are you going to drink?"

When you are dating, He holds your hand in public
When you are married , He flicks your ear in public

When you are dating, A Single bed for 2 isn't THAT bad
When you are married , A King size bed feels like an army cot

When you are dating, You are turned on at the sight of him naked
When you are married , You think to yourself, "Was he ALWAYS this hairy?"

When you are dating, You enjoyed pre-intimacy
When you are married , You tell him "If we have sex, will you leave me alone"

When you are dating, He hugs you, when he walks by you , for no reason
When you are married , He grabs your boob any chance he gets

When you are dating, You picture the two of you together, growing old together
When you are married , You wonder who will die first

When you are dating, Just looking at him makes you feel all "mushy"
When you are married , When you look at him, you want to claw his eyes out.

When you are dating, He knows what the "hamper" is
When you are married , The floor will suffice as a dirty clothes storage area

When you are dating, He understands if you "aren't in the mood"
When you are married , He says "It's your job."

When you are dating, He understands that you have "male" friends
When you are married , He thinks they are all out to steal you away

When you are dating, He likes to "discuss" things
When you are married , He develops a "blank" stare

When you are dating, He calls you by name
When you are married , He calls you "Hey" and refers to you when speaking to others as "She.

There were three guys working on the 50th floor of a building. One was Mexican, one was Irish, and the other was a blonde. Well one day they were sitting eating lunch, dangling their feet doing nothing much.

The Mexican guy opens up his lunchbox and he takes out a taco. He exclaims "My wife always packs me tacos for lunch! taco's Taco's TACO'S!!! I am sick of tacos!!! Can't she pack me something different?!?! If she gives me a taco one more time I am going to jump off this building!!!"

The Irishman looks at him strangely, but doesn't say anything. Expecting something yummy for lunch, there in his lunch box is Creamed Corn and Hash. Overpowered by the Mexican's words, he says "Every single day for the past 10 years my wife has given me this every single day for lunch! I hate Creamed Corn and Hash!!! I'm with you, Mexican, if I get one more lunch of Creamed Corn and Hash, I will jump off this building right with you!"

All the while the blonde is just sitting there eating his sandwhich. Feeling left out, he says "I get a sandwhich every single day too! I hate it too!! I am with you both! Tomorrow if we all get the same lunch, we are jumping off this building!!"

The next day, they are all working patiently, just waiting to see what they got for lunch. The day seemed to go on forever, but finally lunch came. The Mexican guy opens up his lunch. He finds a taco!! He gives a sigh and jumps off the building.

The Irishman is very scared. He does not want to jump off, but he has to. So he cautiosly opens up his lunch. And what do you know? He has creamed corn and hash! He says good-bye to the blonde man and jumps off screaming.

The blonde, being lonely, opens up his lunch and he finds a sandwhich. He just shakes his head and jumps.

At the funeral, the wives of all three men are standing around mourning together. The Mexican's wife says "If only I didn't give him taco's everyday, he may have still been alive today"

The Irishman's wife shakes her head in agreement, saying "I take full responsibility in my husbands death"

They both look over at the blonde man's wife who is not crying and ask her why she is not mourning. She replies "Don't blame me, he made his own lunch!"

A little boy and girl are playing in a sandbox. The little boy has to go to take a pee and he was told by his mother to always be polite and don't talk about private matters in public. At first he holds it in for a little while because he does not know what to say to the little girl to excuse himself. Then he remembers what his Mom had said at the restaurant to excuse herself from the table. So he turns to the little girl and says "Will you excuse me I have to go powder my nose". And saying that he leaps out of the sandbox and runs to the washroom.
When he comes back the little girl looks up at him and asks "Did you powder your nose?"

"Yes" said the little boy stepping back into the sandbox.

"Well then" says the little girl, "You'd better close your purse because your lipstick is hanging out."

Rule One:

If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:

You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:

I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, infact come off during the course of you date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:

I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "Barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:

It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: "early"

Rule Six:

I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:

As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:

The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden tool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to introduce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:

Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house.

Rule Ten:

Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveways you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camoflaged face at the window is mine.

Lesson Number One:

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"

The crow answered: "Sure, why not."

So, the Rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

*************************

Lesson Number Two:

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull.

"They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon, he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

*************************

Lesson Number Three:

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him!

The morals of this story are:
1) Not everyone who drops shit on you is your enemy.
2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
3) And when you're in deep shit, keep your mouth shut.

i love this
keep it up

good one chi- rose

crazy-jay:
Noted I will do just that

DUMB A55

d -jay, good for you to take to the advise,
if i may add one more, if you want people to notice you, write more of your dry jokes

getit, it will sure work. you can even be the king of dryness, sahara dessert will be the queen

pissout honey. 

clemcykul:
slitty ure a dumb AFIVE (A55) and not a dumb arse! see the difference?

lol crazy-jay take it easy alryte

i can sure spot the difference  he is just a kid

my mouth stiff, i no fit laff

as funny as poison

your name says crazy, i am beginning to think you should change that ID to daft.
it fits you better

daft-jay

saucekid:
missed you too

my holidays. . . . . . . . .hectic

really??
wat were you up to?

very funny

@crazy-jay
you must be a very dry person

for the english, dump

saucekid:
flock togeda

welcome dear,how was your holidays?

cool , extremely cool. yours?
_{kinda missed you}

crazy-jay:
NOT FUNNY

really? hmmmm, _{i'll be right back}

crazy-jay:
What a dry Joke,

I tot this menu was for jokes

birds of a feather

_{this is getting interesting}

@ poster nice one

@ gunpoint

A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy."

Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.

x

date


would you date yourself?

hmm
i tried but even the smile wouldn't come

boring lil joke

lmsao

yup exactly 7times

u?

mingies hmm,  i reserve my comment




jonathan Goodluck