breadtoaster: Please, those of you who are married — how do you cope?
I am married to someone I don’t think is my friend. We dated before marriage, but during that time, I had a very senior friend whom I always went to for advice, help with decisions, and assistance with things that required initiative or “manly” effort.
My husband, on the other hand, is very quiet. Living with him feels like living in a graveyard — no TV, no outings, nothing lively. It’s not that he isn’t intelligent (trust me, he is), but he’s too lazy to put his mind to work sometimes. By 9 p.m., he’s already asleep. He eats, goes to work, and that’s all. He has no drive for more. Whenever I talk about progress or goals, he says, “It’s a process; it’ll take years to come to fruition,” but he never thinks of ways to get things done efficiently or on time.
So in terms of ambition or drive for achievement, I’m suffering living with him. I feel alone. I’m scared that his lack of motivation and his slow, passive lifestyle will kill my own drive. I’m not even extremely driven myself, but I know I want to achieve greatness. That desire pushes me, but I’m afraid that living with him will make me too relaxed and unmotivated — and I don’t want that.
Before marriage, I had friends — both male and female — with whom I shared advice and ideas. I’ve always had male friends because they tend to be driven. From them, I learned about crypto, stocks, business ideas — they inspired me. But my husband doesn’t trust them or me around them. Since we got married, I can’t talk to most of these friends at home unless I’m at work. It’s affecting me mentally. I’m scared that my circle for growth and greatness is being trimmed down, and soon I might start behaving like him — with no ambition or hunger for achievement.
Women, how do you handle such relationship dynamics? How do I keep my drive while being married to such a man?
Every Friday night, he’s already asleep. One time, I dragged him to a lounge on a Friday night, and he was dozing off there. I ended up dancing alone while other couples danced together. If there’s something important we’re supposed to do, he won’t take initiative or push for it.
For example, I suggested we start going to church regularly to build our spiritual life. One Sunday, he woke up first and went to bathe. When he finished, he didn’t wake me up, and by the time I opened my eyes, it was already late. When I asked why he didn’t tell me, he said he called me but I didn’t answer. For me, I wouldn’t act that way — especially when it’s something that helps build our faith together.
We also planned to pray as a family. We did it for two days, and then he forgot — and honestly, I’m struggling to remember too. I don’t know if our marriage is under spiritual attack or if it’s just his personality, but my mental health is suffering. I’m not happy. I don’t genuinely smile anymore.
He doesn’t know how to pamper me or show warmth. If I complain about something, he just lashes out. He didn’t date much before marriage; he was one of those “spiritual brothers.” I was spiritual too, but I thought quiet men were more romantic or deep inside. I was wrong. I feel like he’s choking the life out of me.
At home, I can’t even make calls freely — he gets unknowingly aggressive if I’m on the phone and says things like, “Don’t you have things to do?” So I can’t talk to the people I’d love to.
After our marriage, he had issues going to my family, claiming I blackmailed him because of earlier arguments. He would get upset about small things, like me dancing to Afrobeat music. He’d say I shouldn’t, then later deny he said it. Or if we go out to eat, he’ll say we should leave early or that the place will soon close, even when I just want to relax and enjoy being outside.
I feel alone, yet married. I miss home. I’m not sure what to do.
It even took us one month after the wedding to consummate our marriage. We were both virgins, but his manhood wasn’t functioning well, and we had so many arguments that our emotional connection broke down. I felt it literally fall apart. Now I feel like I’m just living with someone.
He often says, “We’re not aligned,” or that he trusts me only 60%. If I go out, he sometimes gets angry or accuses me of lying about where I went. I can’t stay indoors all day like him — I’d just die inside.
I need help. I feel like I’m losing myself. When I visit home, my mother’s voice feels loud or too much, my friends when i talk to them, it feels like they are talking too much — not because they are talking too much, but because I’ve been living in such silence that I’ve lost touch with voice, morelike in a graveyard.
I am even crying as I type this, and he is sitting somewhere on the other side asking me if my head is swelling or what is making me cry.
I’m just… tired. feeling so strongly emotionally starved tooo.
You claimed to be ambitious yet you keep getting called out for so much idle time on the phone.
Many of the people you called ambitious are best described as gamblers and most are in a net lose.
I'm not holding forth for you husband.
I think you need to have a direct and respectful talk with him about filling your lives with healthy activities but beyond that, I feel there's other issues within you that you are yet to identify/address.
Hopefully you aren't waiting for him to change before doing something about yourself.
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Obavoh: The Rules and Regulations in this house is too much.
1. We must call the Landlord and Landlady Daddy&Mummy.
2. Wake up by 5.30AM for Compound Devotion.
3. Each room will take turn to sweep compound and wash toilet/bathroom. You must clean and sweep morning, afternoon and evening.
4. We must not fry palm oil inside kitchen because Daddy Landlord’s wife has asthma. Even if mummy Landlady is not in the compound, don’t fry palm oil !
5. We are not allowed to cook with gas, only kerosene or charcoal.
6. Daddy Landlord will use his special padlock to lock the gate by 9.00PM. God help you if you’re not inside the house by that time, you will knock and Landlord family will not open. No Tenant has spare key.
7. I am sharing the room with my wife and 7 children. I cannot be romantic to my wife in the room so my wife and I started bathing together early in the morning. Daddy Landlord called compound meeting to harass my wife and I because of this.
8. No playing of worldly music in the compound. No loud sound at all. Your television set volume should be very low. My children cannot laugh or play in the compound.
My biggest regret is that I paid 1½ Year rent because I was desperate to rent a house for my family and no Landlord wanted to accommodate a family of 9. We still have 8 months until the rent expires.
I am currently working in another town but my wife is always complaining about Daddy&Mummy Landlord. My children are not happy in that house. If not for bandits, I would have moved them back to the village.
Start looking for another house now so you can watch out for what can become problem before you move in. Also start saving for the new rent.
The 8 months you have remaining might not be enough for these 2 tasks at hand.
jchioma: Well, expensive is a relatively defined word. I bought seafood today #4,000 and I had over 5 containers of takeaway packs from it. Meat? 10,000 can last over a week. Legumes family - beans, etc can be bought in paint sizes. Bread or pap for breakfast, Rice or porridge for lunch. I juggle them by the way. The most important thing is to eat well and healthy.
Okay.
The reason I asked is eating ketogenic means dropping the amount of carbs you eat daily and increasing fats and protein.
Comfortableme: Wait, una wey don marry how is it going? It's like the good wife's has been married off. Because na almost every day I dey see news of wife killing her husband, one even use knife cut her husband preak. Am in my 40s but let marriage go to dungeon. No wife, no kids am good. My mama no kill my papa make one woman no come make my family cry over me. Ire ooo
How many marriages have you seen and how many spouses have killed their partners?
Hamachi: I truly appreciate your candid feedback. it's clear you're passionate about improving recruitment processes, and honestly, that's refreshing.
You're right: the hiring landscape has evolved significantly, and with the rise of remote tools and automation, there's less room for friction and more opportunity to create a smoother, more candidate-centric experience. We’re definitely not above stress (or learning), but we’re committed to continuously improving how we connect with great talent.
If you’ve got ideas or even scars from less-than-ideal hiring journeys, I’d love to hear them. It’s conversations like this that often lead to the best changes.
And hey, if you’re serious about helping us revamp things, let's talk 😉
That's fine.... Depends what you want and where. You simply need ideas you can implement or what? Are you the HR for your organisation or simply invited to the panel?
Hamachi: I had the opportunity to sit on an interview panel recently, and all I can say is—many of you are simply not ready for the job market.
Let me break this down:
You couldn’t answer basic interview questions, yet when asked if you had any questions, you’re asking, “Is there any other role apart from the one advertised?” Are you here for a job or shopping around?
During the interview, you were literally pressing your phone while being asked a question. I had to call your attention before you awkwardly tucked it between your legs. Really?
You say you currently earn ₦750k, yet you’re interviewing for a role that pays ₦300k. Make that make sense. Why are you here?
You casually told the panel that your current job is your “Plan A,” and this one is “Plan B.” Since it’s a hybrid role, you’d use your free time to run your personal business. So, you’re applying for a backup plan?
You claimed to be a CFO in your previous job, but you couldn’t explain the most basic accounting principles. How does that add up?
Again, you couldn't answer key questions, but you're confidently asking if there are other positions available? Focus on the one you're failing at first.
Your sister called during the interview, asking to speak to the panel because you’re running late for a church program? Is this a job interview or a family meeting?
You said your Excel skill is 8/10, but when given a simple task, you were frozen—just staring at the screen saying, “I’ve forgotten it.” 🤦🏽♂️
Please, if you’re going to attend interviews, come correct. Dress well, prepare well, act like you want the job, and most importantly—respect the process.
Seems like your company is either small or just likes stress. In this day and age, it's now so much easier to weed out such folks. Some companies conduct all interviews and don't meet the candidate in person until final stage.
I've been following this discussion, and while I appreciate StatiSense's data, I must agree with the general consensus here: that 43% figure is grossly inaccurate. From my direct, recent experience, and confirmed by numerous comments, the reality is far more severe. 75-80% feels far more accurate in today's Nigerian banking environment.
My eight-year career as a contract operations staff member is a testament to the actual scale of this practice and the inherent unfairness of the system.
My career as a contract operations staff member started with boundless optimism back in 2017. I was a fresh-faced kid, genuinely grateful to have landed a role in a "prestigious" organization. That positive mindset quickly evaporated when I was confronted by the glaring disparity—the shocking pay gap between the core employees and us, the contractors. I worked at Sterling Bank from 2017 to 2024, under contract with VLA—and I can confirm the system is unequivocally rigged against you.
Mastery Without Compensation We put in the same, often longer, hours and handled the bulk of the ground operations. Some of us even had more experience or identical educational backgrounds as the core staff. I myself was so experienced that I had mastered every branch touchpoint: ATM operations, customer care, tellering, and transfers. My colleagues could testify that I had the work ethic, experience, and temperament to have been converted years ago. When I finally turned in my resignation, many were shocked, believing I was already a core staff member. Yet, despite this dedication, the financial reward was negligible. My final salary upon leaving in 2024 was a meager ₦197,000 per month. The bank continually offered the false hope of permanent employment, using it to control and retain us. They’d convert a handful (maybe 10 or 15) out of thousands some years, but the promise was continually broken. After four years, it was clear: they had no real plan for us. We were simply a cheap, experienced, and flexible workforce.
The Problem of Transferable Skills I needed to escape, but the system had me cornered. The hours were brutal (7 a.m. to 8 p.m., plus weekends), leaving no time to job hunt or reskill, and I couldn't save much to simply walk away. Most critically, I found the job market unresponsive to my applications. It was then I realized the trap that keeps most bankers stuck: a severe lack of transferable skills. After years in that environment, many bankers struggle immensely to change careers because their skill sets don't translate well, beyond general soft skills. I had to return to my roots as a data enthusiast and take up the challenge of reskilling. It was a brutal juggle—work, family, and studies—but I powered through. I turned in my resignation after more than seven years.
A Note of Gratitude and a Warning While I detail the flaws of the system, I am also grateful for the opportunity. Ultimately, the ball was always in my court to walk away, and I chose to stay until I found my own solution. However, my former colleagues are proof of this vicious cycle. They long to leave but are held back by the fear of survival, trapped by the same issues I've outlined. For anyone considering it, being a contract staff in a bank is not worth the emotional or financial cost. I pray for all of you who are still there.
Apt description. Many who don't even work in the bank found the statistics quite difficult to believe.
There's hardly any working system in Nigeria that one can really trust and the banking industry is no different both to it's customers and her staff.
When one gets frustrated with the idleness and lack of finance, you simply accept any of the limited opportunities that come your way in the country and get roped in until you discover the vicious cycle and have to decide weather to combat it or to give into it.
I always advise to fight your way into something better
If you ever wonder what hope is there for you, remember that a former siting governor while still in office paid ransom to kidnappers to rescue his relatives and nothing was done thereafter to bring the criminals before the law.
This is not to take away from the God news though....... So happy for them.
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You should also post links to your own past jobs and portfolio. Where are you based?
Floky215: And majority of families and peolle can't feed 3 square meals in Nigeria today...!!!
Nonsense and bullshit as usual...!!!
What ever nonsense statistics is been put out without people been able to feed is all rubbish....!!!
The growth is too little, maybe myopic.
Compared to where we should be, what we lost to devaluation, our population growth rate and where we need to be to eradicate hardship. It's just to little.
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greatiyk4u: Please permit me to praise the Jagaban himself small, no be everyday we go dey criticize and roast him, though it seems Nigeria is too complex for him to govern as the situation on ground has exposed his weakness as incompetent leader but we can't deny the fact that his is a builder of Men and women .
This picture was taken during the governorship tenure of Bola Tinubu.
From left is Jose Ipaye who became Lagos Attorney-General after Yemi Osinbajo.
Followed by Babajide Sanwo-olu who was then the Head of a Lagos State Government Parastatal.
Followed by Akinwunmi Ambode who was Auditor-General for Local Governments.
Yemi Osinbajo was the Attorney-General under Bola Tinubu, while Babatunde Raji Fashola was Tinubu's Chief of Staff.
A look at where all these guys are today evokes a response from me in my discussion with my wife as follows:
"A structure that produced this class of people can't be said to be deficient in quality.
You are free to hate Asiwaju, but you can't contest his ability to sight and groom world class leaders.
As at today, all these guys are world class leaders in their own rights.
I doff my hat for Asiwaju Bola Ahmed Tinubu.
A producer of men of integrity.
A great and visionary leader..."
However,and unfortunately he's a one term President (OTP)
Is the next governor in the picture ?
I think another state that has similar continuity from 1999 - 2007 set of leaders is Delta State.
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Alfredmarshal: Peter Obi Booed in Owerri Over El-Rufai – Protesters Chant “Enemy of Ndigbo”.
Shock in Owerri as protesters booed Peter Obi for appearing alongside former Kaduna State governor Nasir El-Rufai at a Catholic event. Angry men, women, and youths accused El-Rufai of being an “enemy of Ndigbo” and Christians, citing his controversial past statements and the bloodshed under his government in Kaduna.
Placards read, “Stop deceiving us, Obi” and “El-Rufai is not welcome in Igboland.” Many questioned why Obi, once mocked by El-Rufai as a weak candidate who could not fill a rally ground in Kaduna, would now be seen in his company.
This report digs deep into the long history of Obi–El-Rufai tensions, the reasons for Igbo resentment, and the political risks of such alliances ahead of 2027.
Watch till the end to understand why Obi’s presence with El-Rufai has sparked outrage and whether this is strategy, mistake, or betrayal.
From what was posted, the chants were against El Rufai, not Peter Obi
Family › Re: Married But Feeling Single: I’m Losing Myself In This Quiet Marriage by sonofthunder: 7:48pm On Oct 14, 2025
