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Stats: 2,231,646 members, 4,883,080 topics. Date: Monday, 22 April 2019 at 11:22 AM
|Politics / Re: Kano, Zamfara, Kwara, Rivers, Kogi, Edo Ready To Pay N30,000 Minimum Wage by Talius(m): 6:57pm On Apr 20|
Forfeited your allowee; how?!
|TV/Movies / Re: Game Of Thrones Discussion (Beware Of Spoilers) by Talius(m): 4:58am On Apr 17|
Funniest thing I've seen here in a while.
|TV/Movies / Re: Come In, Let's Discuss 'Black Panther' Here! by Talius(m): 12:52pm On Aug 20, 2018|
Gmajor:You deserve a medal.
|Literature / Re: Short Stories By Talius Dike by Talius(m): 9:29am On Aug 11, 2018|
YOUR UMUNNA AND HIS UBER DRIVER
I bet you’re thinking ‘What’s this guy talking about?’ or saying to yourself ‘My Umunna doesn’t know much about cars, talk more of boarding an Uber.’ But I say to you, be calm, fret not. Your Umunna boarding an Uber isn’t far-fetched if you look at it from the point of immersion with the tale. Think of yourself as one of the participants of this story.
. . .
You wake up today and realize your life still hasn’t changed. It’s still as boring as the lengthy 9-hour church service you attended yesterday, and you get more frustrated thinking about it. Your colleague, Stella, assured you it’d be lit. Somehow, she’d convinced you to follow her by saying the solution to breaking the ancestral powers from your father’s house holding you back rested on the palms of her ‘Daddy G.O.’
Of everyone in the church hall, you shouted the most ‘hallelujah!’ you were enthusiastic, ecstatic, even Daddy G.O. noticed you and had you brought to the alter to testify about the Lord’s goodness to you this outgoing year. You spoke with faith of what could still happen to you before the new year comes in; after all, it was Christmas – the perfect time to be thankful and hopeful. You narrated, perfectly, the remarkable reverie you always used to escape reality, and everyone marveled, but you were the most affected by the anointing from your fantastic tale; and when Daddy G.O. laid his HANDS OF ANOINTING on you –those mighty HANDS– you became extra-charged with the spirit and dragged the microphone from his hands. You shocked everyone, especially Stella, when you made a donation of Two Hundred Thousand Naira by faith.
The drums rolled boisterously and people danced on your behalf. Daddy G.O. laid MORE HANDS on you, his ushers followed you bumper to bumper collecting all your details, even your mother’s maiden name and where she lived. You suddenly became the star of their small church.
The fanfare and merriment ended with Stella sleeping over at your place, gracing your bed and creating memories of what would be revered as your most memorable night together, yet. Your all-night romp is the reason you have a terrible headache this morning.
Soon, your hazy head begins to clear and reality starts to set in.
You remember you challenged God yesterday, but it’s already 9 a.m., one hour past the hour Daddy G.O. assured you God was going to answer in all His glory.
Your phone beeped, twice in the same space, and you were thrilled. “Maybe God was held inside traffic” “At all, at all, na in bad pass” you mutter I self-consolation. Unfortunately, the first beep was from MTN reminding you to subscribe as you have less than 50MB left, and the second’s a reminder from Sister Margaret, the lead usher. She’d just texted you the account details of the Church – ‘JESUS SITS ON TOP OF YOUR MATTER INTERNATIONAL MINISTRY’ you read aloud the account name and realize, for the first time, just how stupid it sounds. As you struggle to locate your trouser tossed away in the height of last night’s passion, you take note of how large a maze your one room apartment actually. Your phone beeps again. You fish for it like a professional, but hiss louder this time. It’s a follow up text from Johnny. You are late for your scheduled meeting of 8 a.m., and as your longtime friend, who sincerely wants to help you, he sent a follow up text.
You read the text aloud for no reason in particular. DON’T YOU WANT THE TAXI AGAIN? It says. You’re angry you read it in the first place. If you had a gun and Johnny stood before you, you’d shoot him. Couldn’t he understand what you were passing through at the moment? You could already picture yourself wriggle the life out of him, when you finally called yourself to order and remember Johnny’s only trying to help.
‘Maybe I should just take the car. Do the business. It could turn out good.’
You wrestle with your demons. Finally, you decide to reply positively, and quickly leave to meet-up. Twenty minutes later, you’re with him.
“Johnny, my guy!” you hail him. You stretch out your hand for a handshake, but he’s too annoyed to indulge you, as you’ve kept him waiting for more than an hour. So, you stylishly withdraw it, and hope no one saw what just happened.
You frown your face, blaming the condition that made you, the great crayfish, bend.
You ask God to punish poverty on your behalf and also beg him to make you Dangote’s offspring next time, if there’s truly such a thing as reincarnation. These and many more you ask through Christ, our Lord, under the whisper of your voice.
As Johnny speaks, you nod. In your head, you’re already swinging the car-key he’s still holding. Your reverie of being the latest car owner comes true as soon as he hands over the keys. You couldn’t wait to share your testimony at Stella’s church, next Sunday.
It’s 1 p.m. – You’re on the highway to pick your first customer. Happy you, no one can spoil the joy God has just given you. You intend surprising everyone who ever thought you wouldn’t make something off yourself, including Johnny. You’d finally make enough money to put even the devil in a permanent state of shame.
The first person you see as you drive through Lagos, along Maryland, is your mother’s brother, Uncle Innocent. You battle with your inner demons whether to give him a lift or splash Lagos’ muddy water on him. Why the latter, one may ask? The last time your house rent was due, you went to him for help and he sent you away. You finally decide against the latter. You want to be the bigger man, to prove him wrong that you weren’t a “FOOL AT FORTY’.
“Uncle Inno,” you greet as you pull over beside him. You stylishly roll the glass of your almost new 2013 Toyota Camry down. In your head, you quickly check the difference between 2017 and 2017, you see it isn’t much, you smile even harder. At this point, Johnny’s demand of N50,000 monthly suddenly becomes worth it. The shock on Uncle Innocent’s face is satisfying enough to make all the uncertainties you felt earlier today VANISH!
He feigns being happy seeing you, and you could tell. At first, he says “Thank you, nna. I’ll wait for my driver” but, when he sees you aren’t ready to take NO for an answer, he says, “Let’s go, since my driver is taking too long.”
In silence, you drive him through the city of Lagos. You keep bringing up conversations and he never responds to any, yet you keep talking, refusing to shut up. You even told him the car he assumed was yours was just given to you by a friend, and that you intended to turn it into an Uber. You keep on yapping until you arrive his gate.
He asks you, “how much for the fare?” and you tell him not to worry. “Uncle, uncle. Don’t worry. For you, this one is free.” You keep shining your browned set of teeth with reckless abandon.
He looks at you and can only shake his head. “So, you still don’t have SENSE?” is all he can mutter before he leaves you to your confusion. You see him walk to his mansion. You squeeze your face, feeling terribly insulted:
How can a wealthy man you just DASHED about THREE THOUSAND NAIRA in transport fare just accuse you of not having sense?
Still watching him from behind the steering wheels, you hiss loudly in disdain and that’s when you first notice your uncle has a walking stick in one hand and a bag with a pipe connected into his body. You wonder how you didn’t see it until now. You wonder if he’s really sick or just playing pretend because he knew he’d see you on the highway today. You’ve always suspected him of being diabolical. Your phone beeps again. It’s a follow up reminder from Sister Margaret just in case you didn’t get her first text with an additional line, “DADDY G.O. NEEDS TO SEE YOU NOW!’
‘It’s time to go home. Today was a fruitful day.’ You say to yourself and start driving to church. It’s 4 p.m. Tomorrow will be a better day.
PS: Today's my birthday. Do something nice for me, will you?
CC ObinnaU, DivePen1, Mynd44, LalasticLala,
|Literature / Re: Short Stories By Talius Dike by Talius(m): 8:57am On Aug 09, 2018|
It used to feel good being the odd guy at school. From the first till his final year, everyone knew Collins was the go-to guy to have a free insight into the latest happenings in the minds of the females on campus. From the way he talked, acted and walked, many suspected he was gay, but no one really cared. To the many who knew him, he was a jolly good fellow, and that made up for whomever ruffled his sheets behind closed doors.
All that changed when he went on the National Youth Service and had to share a room, after camp, with five macho men. Suddenly, all that used to feel normal and regular felt out of place. His life was no longer his. Every little thing he did was looked on with disdain, as though he stained everything he touched with a physical manifestation of sin.
On very good days, the farthest they’d go was to call him a ****. But on bad days, they’d attach more demeaning tags to their name-callings. Amongst which one stood out… ‘Homo’.
While, on very bad days he’d get beaten-up by the youths of the community who’d made it their personal project to rehabilitate the guy who swung his hips more than the females whenever he passed by.
This was the story of a young man serving a community that refused to understand him for who he is. It was the kind of treatment he got because he didn’t fit into their stereotype of ‘how a man should act’.
Why you no dey watch ball?
Why you dey always like waka with women?
Why you dey always whyne nyash pass woman?
These and many more streamlined questions was he faced with on a regular, all of which contributed to his increasing state of depression.
One could only pretend to have a thick skin for so long. Everyone had a breaking point. For Collins, that meant falling, slowly, into depression. And the worse part was, those girls he called friends didn’t even realize.
The painful realization that he was all alone in this world started to creep in. It wasn’t his parents who understood, definitely not his two older, macho brothers… Nor was it the men from this locale who’d forcefully held him down, one night, for two prostitutes to rape him. The judgement was too much…
Yes, he wasn’t interested in girls, but neither was he interested in boys. If the latter case had been different, at 23 he’d have found a lover who he could depend on for emotional support.
So, one day, while most people were away at work, with nothing, but the echoes of an almost empty compound to grant him clarity, he decided to end it… He took his own life drinking a last supper of very milky custard laced with rat poison.
Whoever the smelling corpse of a rottening, suspected-gay man disturbed the most, let him knock on the door.
3 Likes 1 Share
|TV/Movies / Re: The Vampire Diaries and The Originals Fan Page by Talius(m): 1:57am On Aug 04, 2018|
Simplyunique:And I thought I was the only one not interested in watching Legacies. Hollywood just doesn't know when to quit.
|TV/Movies / Re: Into The Badlands Discussion Thread by Talius(m): 6:22am On Jul 20, 2018|
Preciouz20:Honestly. Pilgrim has deep issues.
|Literature / Re: Authors On Okadabooks Drop Your Book Info Here by Talius(m): 10:32am On Jul 07, 2018|
Spence and Gideon share an unusually close relationship for any two boys. Each time life happens, they try to bounce back. Find out how much hit they can take in 'The Unusual Spice'. Available:
|Literature / Re: Short Stories By Talius Dike by Talius(m): 10:29am On Jul 07, 2018|
My people, food is ready.
Soteriahascome, princeOFprince, kongru, qhdr, Fidelismaria, missmossy, cutechicluv, Nmaglit, rmfunky, maximanuel, ped007, lordseb, vlip42, maggdon, humbleamanda, laikas, smartec, donhils, superman10, Fijumokesayo, kikayboss, lacasera14, loisemm, Lolaabokoku, ucheclub, silensa, davespog2, jubizy, faksy, nigelcoop, baxxx, ghostwriter, cutediva87, Venusbetty, maggielovely, slimzy2k16, bibijay123, heskeyw, Shakyroh320, Essyprity, yorhmienerd, BB4u, Maximanuel, Kerr9, callmeomotee33, Queenoma, Remyseyi, Mubarak001, Lexzytee, Holluwaphlexy, Rupeelicious, Wenzi, Mattyboy007, Mindfrick, Katchycouture,
|Literature / Short Stories By Talius Dike by Talius(m): 4:54am On Jul 07, 2018|
I'll be posting short stories on this thread for your reading pleasure. Kindly drop a comment after reading to inform me how theee stories have affected you. Cheers!
I HEAR YOU GIVE GOOD ADVICE
It’s quite easy to forget the days of humble beginnings when one finally gets that big break always dreamt of. At least I know that’s what happened to me. It was as though every time my fans cheered “Mariah Ike!” a part of my painful past got chipped off and I felt lighter.
The new found fame suited me… I, Mariah, the small girl from an unknown village in the east, a movie star!? I’d almost completely forgotten the days before my big break in 'Dangerous Girl From The South', the days when smoking garri was still my watchword. Those were the days before I ever met Mr. Howard, before our fateful meeting at the local theater production where I’d been offered a small, but pivotal role. That was three years prior.
These days, however, Howard prefers to remind me of how I started in the industry, how I’d still be nothing if he hadn’t strolled into that theater hall along Agidingbi road. And, that, because I hadn’t returned to say ‘thank you’ properly, I was ungrateful, and he wouldn’t waste another Kobo on me or any other amateur hoping for a big break until I made amends. What did he want? you might ask. Of course he wanted sex!
I can never forget Howard. How can I? He stood by me when the rest of the world wouldn’t. He discovered and believed so much in my talent, and kept pushing me through until 'Dangerous Girl From The South' happened six months ago. Before the issue of his demeaning request came up, I still had it in mind to pay him a proper visit at his home – to meet the pretty, loving, extremely intelligent wife he always spoke about, and thank her for taking such a wonderful man off the market; but, now, I’m not so sure he’s the man I thought he was. I mean, demanding sex from me just to feel good about himself. Talk about the misogynistic view of a Nollywood patriach. Who does that? Does he understand how scandalous it’ll be if word ever got out. ‘Nollywood superstar Mariah Ike caught under-the-sheets with married producer Howard Obi’ the headlines will joyously read. That’ll be the end of my career that just started. God forbid!
Now, the reason I’m ranting is this…
NOLIP, the prestigious board in charge of awarding young, exceptional talents in the Nigerian movie industry are considering putting me as a contender for the well coveted ‘BEST ACTRESS IN A FEATURE FILM’ category. Me. A new comer in the industry. My God! If I clinch that award, forget it, I’ve blown completely, nothing can stop my shine anymore in the industry.
The big problem is, Howard is a senior member of the board and also a part of the sitting committee I’d have to face before anything else… their vote has to be unanimous for my consideration to become tangible, and he’s still pressing his demand, now more than ever. I face the board in two days and I don’t know what to do. Howard is highly placed to easily sway the rest members of the board to whatever side he stands on. He has the power to undo everything God made him do in my life, and I don’t know why he’s letting the devil use him.
You reading this, I hear you give really good advice. Please, I need to know what next to do.
Your new fictional celebrity crush,
Cc @Lalasticlala, @Divepen1, Mynd44, Obinnau.
|Education / Re: 2018/2019 Admission Process Thread Guide by Talius(m): 5:14pm On Jul 02, 2018|
Hey guys, any recommended site for procuring past ESUT e-question papers?
|TV/Movies / Re: The Vampire Diaries and The Originals Fan Page by Talius(m): 2:40am On May 19, 2018|
|TV/Movies / Re: The Vampire Diaries and The Originals Fan Page by Talius(m): 2:34am On May 19, 2018|
adexeli:I thought I was the only one thinking this. Every single twist in the latest episode was easily predictable. Thank God it's the last season... Oh, wait! Legacies is coming. Good thing I don't need to watch it too. �.
|Literature / Re: Showers Of Mercy - True Life Story by Talius(m): 7:29pm On Apr 07, 2018|
I didn't want to reply you, up until I read your last sentence. If you believe there's nothing wrong with your tribalistic bias, fine. I do pray you find the resolution your heart needs so you never make a statement like that again, so you don't raise innocent children with such hatred in their hearts. Cheers!
1 Like 1 Share
|Literature / Re: Cracked Sources ( Love, Schemes, Scandals ) by Talius(m): 12:50am On Apr 05, 2018|
Special thank you to Azeequeen and Divepen1 for
promoting the fight against plagiarism. I appreciate the effort. The charlatan IjeleNwa isn't affiliated to me in anyway and most definitely isn't me. God bless you both.
IjeleNwa, I must confess, it was weird reading you claim to be me and defending your cheap actions, but I guess that's how it works to better make sense of the path you'd chosen. I recommend you seek out help. You claim to love some writers: I can tell you they didn't become the brands they are today by being plagiarists. I hope this advice meets you well.
PS: A good thing did come out of reading this though, I've decided to finish up the last book of Cracked Sources ASAP. �. CC: @OyinPrince
|Phones / Re: Phone Engineers On Nairaland Willing To Assist You - Part II by Talius(m): 5:45pm On Mar 08, 2018|
I have. It stopped for a while, then started again, lately it's been more frequent.
|Phones / Re: Phone Engineers On Nairaland Willing To Assist You - Part II by Talius(m): 5:52am On Mar 08, 2018|
Good day, Prince. I need your help. My Gionee A1Lite hijacks control from me and operates itself. I need to lock and unlock repeatedly for it to regain its senses. This has become more frequently lately. Please, any suggestion?
|TV/Movies / Re: Come In, Let's Discuss 'This Is Us' Here! by Talius(m): 6:36am On Mar 03, 2018|
Who seen this week's episode? Toby and Kate's bachelor and bachelorette's eve in Vegas?
|Literature / Re: Short Story: Ogbeni, Hear Word! by Talius(m): 6:32am On Mar 03, 2018|
Cc: Obinnau and Lalasticlala
|Literature / Re: More Shots Fired by Talius(m): 6:32am On Mar 03, 2018|
Cc: Obinnau, Lalasticlala
|Romance / Re: 7 Reasons Why I'll Always Collect Money After Sex. by Talius(m): 1:12am On Jan 29, 2018|
DaddyKross:Respect, Nna anyi.
|Romance / Re: 7 Reasons Why I'll Always Collect Money After Sex. by Talius(m): 6:09am On Jan 27, 2018|
You don reach here? �
|Phones / Re: Phone Engineers On Nairaland Willing To Assist You - Part II by Talius(m): 6:25am On Jan 22, 2018|
Thank you. God bless.
|TV/Movies / Re: Let's Talk About 'the Gifted' TV Show Here by Talius(m): 2:23pm On Jan 17, 2018|
quote author=sleemoon post=64267107]Mehn... Andy broke my heart... Can't wait for Season 2 to Air[/quote]
Me too. I kind of saw it coming with the way he was nagging all through the episode. The thing I didn't see was Luna being destructive, �.
|Phones / Re: Phone Engineers On Nairaland Willing To Assist You - Part II by Talius(m): 4:45pm On Jan 13, 2018|
Software engineers, please help. My phone suddenly started showing this, it remains even when I restart the phone.
|TV/Movies / Re: Let's Talk About 'the Gifted' TV Show Here by Talius(m): 11:39am On Jan 12, 2018|
dayveed1:It's very cool.
|TV/Movies / Re: Let's Talk About 'the Gifted' TV Show Here by Talius(m): 11:09am On Jan 07, 2018|
sleemoon:True. I'm happy Disney buying Fox didn't affect it.
|TV/Movies / Re: Let's Talk About 'the Gifted' TV Show Here by Talius(m): 6:46am On Jan 06, 2018|
sleemoon:With talks about the Hell Fire club and all. Thank God the show has been renewed for a second season, there's more story to be told.
|TV/Movies / Re: Let's Talk About 'the Gifted' TV Show Here by Talius(m): 7:13pm On Jan 04, 2018|
Happy New Year, guys. Who still follows the show? What do y'all think about those creepy triplets?
|Phones / Re: Nokia Care @ Nigeria: by Talius(m): 6:56pm On Dec 27, 2017|
A review said Nokia 5's cameras aren't superb. I want to know how bad they fare, I consider buying it.
|Literature / Re: Short Story: Ogbeni, Hear Word! by Talius(m): 5:08am On Dec 23, 2017|
Cc: Divepen1, Obinnau, lalasticlala... kindly check out this short story and push to front page for the holidays.
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