₦airaland Forum

^there's no rush, take your time.

deols: ^^amin


tpia, make I answer u tomorrow..e don pass my bedtime..

sure.

deols: In my case sha o, a man I am marrying will have to understand my capability b4 hand and not assume he will ask me to do whatever he feels like.

A woman came to my mother and narrated the things her husband do. I couldn't close my mouth. He beat her because she did not join the other wives in washing his mother's clothes. You can imagine.

well, she was not there to gossip. she was hoping my mum would call the man and speak with him about 'forgiving her' or something like that.

some women don suffer

another worst case scenario.

in this instance, the woman is already in the marriage, and moreso, seems she's not the only wife.

generally speaking, "opa tan fi na iyale", applies here.

if the man had been beating his other wives and considers it normal to do so, she cant expect to be treated differently.

besides, if his wives were expected to wash his mother's clothes, or do whatever other odd duties done in that household, could she have exempted herself, and on what grounds?

as per beating, someone who sees nothing wrong with it, will beat the wife for whatever reason, it doesnt really matter what excuse he gives and neither does it depend on religion.




i guess you are equating housework to slavery, like maybe a man considers the wife a slave, that should not be an automatic assumption because it depends on the individual.

deols: I don't think what love connotes differ. it is a feeling that is not culturally determined. I believe you choose whom you love. But certain things about them are the catalyst. It could be their religion(Islam) or their dark skin (African/not) or their personality, intelligence...

ok, you have to help me out here, i want to understand what you, as a muslim woman, consider ways of showing love in Islam.

first of all, i assume you're planning to get married to someone you love, or is love not a factor you will consider when you decide on a partner? Meaning i assume this context i'm referring to, is not an arranged marriage. etc.

for arranged marriages, are you expected to love your husband or simply obey him?

for marriages where you had a say in who you're going to marry, is love involved? If no, then what is? ie what are your duties as a wife? I googled some sites and found mention of the wife waking up her husband to pray and things like that.

If love is involved in your marriage, what ways do you show your husband this love?


Another scenario: let's say you found the perfect guy, he meets all your requirements and you his, and best of all, he nods like an agama lizard (pardon my language) at everything you say.

you: honey, i'm not into house chores and the like, i'm just here to help you be a better muslim.

him (nodding): ok sweetheart, You are my ideal woman, so fine and godly.

you: so, we have a deal?

him (nodding): of course! I love you nah.



So, you go ahead and get married, then later, one day, he wakes up and suddenly says "darling, you have to start cooking and cleaning, and yes, i know we have a maid. What say you?"

what happens next?

onegig: @tpia
I knew you would never answer the question. I had that feeling when typing the question. And it was you asking why seun never declared his marital status. Do you preach what you practice?

i am not anonymous here or anywhere else.

i would say about 80 - 90% of nlers know who i am, where i come from, who my relatives are, etc etc.

so, most times, when people ask the kind of questions you asked, they're just being mischievious and trying to start a flame war with the attendant mud slinging and such.


i am not interested in all that regardless what anybody's opinion of me is. Besides, i do not consider myself that important, i have a pretty mundane life, nothing flashy or flamboyant about it that i need to boast of.

as per seun, he has stated over and over again, that he's single.

My question to him was why has he never mentioned even a girlfriend talkless wife, and neither has he ever said he's searching for one in almost 8 years of nl. That's all, i didnt ask what his marital status is since i already know he's single.

he says it like every year, or on every thread opened to ask the same.

https://www.nairaland.com/1146556/seun-osewa-married

i'm really not into typing/reading long posts, but i've been forced to do so on this thread.



and yes, i still believe most of deol's posts since yesterday, are tongue in cheek.

kreami diva: See the man mouth like person wey dey chop punano die! Then he would tell me he's not getting it somewhere else. Make i no just vex o.

That man doesnt look like someone who is not having sex, i said it before.

Anyway, moving on.

Deols and sissie, what is your definition of love in these contexts:

1. Islamic

2. African

3. Western

4. Personally, if slightly different from any of the above.

deols: loun loun!! I was thinking you would entertain us.

.

Nah, i consider myself a rather matured person, i find it embarassing if someone could feel i can swop stories of getting boyfriend, etc like a school girl.

Iru nkan nyen o pon mi le rara.

In the north I know lots of women who don't cook for their husbands, I have friends who have never seen their mother in the kitchen cooking, who can't even imagine their mothers doing chores.

ok, now i get where you folks are coming from.

its a cultural thing i suppose.

in the south, its rare to see a household where the mother doesnt cook or do any household chores.

rich or middle class people do get maids, but the kids still have to be raised to do chores and cooking.

dont know if all that has changed however.

even the schools have home economics classes where cooking is taught and some schools have competitions where girls demonstrate home keeping skills, somewhat.

i think in instances where it is a confirmed family trait (check some recent threads on nl), then not having kids might be an option, in cases where the person might want to marry but is afraid to do so due to such constraints.

and all this should be fully discussed with the partner, if one is present?

deols: what is shrekilt?

Long ago, my location was- silence is the best answer for a fool. It is same as what I wrote as signature below.but decided to use sexkillz's style. He is the rave of the moment on NL.

not sure what your definition of "rave" is.

is he your hero because he obstinately refuses to listen to reason?

deols: Judging their cookery would not have been easy since they are not from the same part of the world.

could still be done though. And cooking involves much more than tasting alone (although taste is important). Presentation, ease in the kitchen, style, etc can be evaluated.

for example, boiling an egg or making a salad isnt specific to one culture per se. Those are eaten anywhere. Grilling chicken, fish, etc also isnt specific to one culture or country.

It would also be against what they hope to achieve. They wanted to show woman emancipation.

no, the competition wasnt about women emancipation.

They wanted to show that women can be much more than domesticated beings.

i doubt that was the intention, you might be reading them wrong and besides, werent you against the competition before?

Asking about homecare would not go in line with their job of presenting Muslim women as beautiful and able to also have a pageant based on that.

the competition was mainly to address perceptions about women's head covering and also to encourage females muslims in their deen.

I dont understand the reason for the second paragraph. I mean, in what context are you mentioning that. Marriage is half of religion. Many know that if not everyone sef.

i was paraphrasing a quote from a christian source, it was referring to people being too caught up in what they consider spiritual things, and ignoring the basic stuff that still need to be done.

"don’t be so heavenly minded that you’re no earthly good" is the exact phrase.

and you have not answered the questions by onegig.

i find onegig's question embarrassing, i'm too old to be asked that type of stuff. Lounloun.

deols: How does the food even become the way to anyone's heart. That is so exaggerated. I have never even see a case of it. Maybe I need to look harder.

rofl, you are too much, abeg.

Rhythm: Well to me, writing a book entitled 'the proper care and feeding of men' is insulting and kinda derogatory for the menfolk

well, true, but maybe thats the only way some ladies can understand the message she's trying to pass across? Maybe some men too, wouldnt understand any other way.


some weeks ago i remember asking why threads were popping up where females were being told to treat men like babies, it sounded strange to me but perhaps that's modern lingo.

@ deols

what's with your signature?

are you channeling shrekilt?

seriously, i didnt mention it before, but i did feel at the time, when i heard about that muslimah competition (even though most found it offensive and unIslamic), why things like cooking, homecare, etc, werent part of the skills being evaluated.

one can be heavenly minded but at the same time, you still have a physical presence, and i dont know if Islam encourages women to remain single? if not, then you cant just feel as long as you are facing spiritual stuff, other things dont matter.


just thinking out loud,

Is either of them married, or are they still wasting time?

gerrardomendes: d man is helping himself outside

Thats a possibility i suppose?

He doesnt look like a no sex type.

He looks more traumatized than the wife who actually went through labour.

I did not read the write up but i think nl has too many anti-marriage or anti-relationship threads.


The negativity is simply too much, one would think nigerians are terribly anti-everything.

Its even more amazing that nowadays so many young girls think showing their butts and breasts is all there is to life, and nothing else is important.

Is this an effect of nollywood?


And no, seun has not helped matters by obstinately sticking to his bachelorhood all this while.

Maclatunji and deols often do not see eye to eye on some matters, and sparks do tend to fly when that happens.

I dont think he realises the effect his words have on her, probably because she (deols) likes forming "tough guy" whereas, unbeknownst to her, she does place great value on his words and approval.

So i'd say yes, maclatunji probably has some responsibility for deol's faceoff on this thread.

let him pass his exams, i'm sure other girls are also asking for his hand in marriage, so stop threatening him with your suitors.

at least, since he says he wants to attempt again this year, whats the harm in waiting till then and praying for him?

are you approaching 40?

the outfit is ok without you having to draw attention to your butt, just saying.

men will survive not seeing your butt for a few minutes, never mind if some of them say otherwise.

remember google is still there [for the butt or p.orn addicts] regardless if you show yours or not.


no offence!

@ deols


you'll be in food section one of these days no doubt, posting recipes.

and in family section giving tips on how a good muslimah can attend to her husband, carrying his socks, mopping the floor, combing his hair, checking to make sure no husband snatcher is snatching him, etc etc.

onegig: I understand her. Supporting that scenario and school of thinking does not necessarily mean she intends to or she's like that.

It happens that sometimes one just wants to present a contrary opinion to the mainstream. You want to give a differing view of things so the discussion could be more balanced. I GUESS thats what she's trying to do here. Most Nigerian men want a lady that would be able to do most house chores and so on. We are programmed like that and its been factored by the society. So the ladies have no better option than to conform. Challenging the status quo would be hmmm a herculean task.

true, true.

sometimes one just feels like arguing simply for arguments' sake i guess.

hyper things and so on.

Deols is just pulling people's legs i'm sure.

Trying to draw traffic to seun's site.


I've thought about this discussion and imo, she must be one or more of the following:

Pretty

From a well to do background

Not lacking for suitors ( for as long as she can remember)

Somewhat well read ( although i dont know if she reads non religious stuff).



Correct me if i'm wrong however.

That's a question, not a proposal.

Is he trying to hide from her family?

deols: to set some records straight.

thank You for asking.

you're welcome

1. Yes I was single at the time and still single! I did not start the thread because I was single though. I started it because there were previous threads on the same topic with only a few comments on them. I knew that Muslims usually don't speak up or are shy to speak on matters relating to relationships and I thought it was important that we speak about such things and learn from them. I thought that I was bold enough to start the thread and even keep it running.

So, I did not start because I was single or in need of a relationship. I started it because I was bold enough to.

ok, what then were your goals ie what did you intend the thread to achieve?

did you have a particular purpose in mind?

2. The requirements!! I have met some people. But I have not known them enough to know if they fill the whole of it. I dont live in Nigeria and that just narrows my chances since I am marrying a Nigerian. But that doesn't change my idea of the man 4 me. I am going to meet people along the way. I am still young. So, my chances are still very much there.

oh, i thought you were in nigeria.

if you're rounding up your program then its never too early to start scouting for a spouse, assuming you're not planning a whirlwind courtship of maybe less than a year.

i asked the question because i was wondering if you actually are currently in a relationship with someone, sometimes you give that impression.

I have met the perfect representation of the hot hot dude described above but he is not Nigerian-and that does not fill the requirement.

well, compatibility matters, those cant always be ignored.

I can NOT date someone that I have not seen face to face. I have to SEE and be attracted to what I see first. Or better put, I have to LIKE what I see first.

fair enough,

I don't agree with the online thing. I would want to see how much I can intimidate him by a one on one chat first.

do you have an idea which personality type you feel would be suitable for you?

Some women have actually washed and cleaned and ironed and mopped for years and all of these dont make the man love them.

true.

but, they should not be doing these so the man will love them, but rather because they want to.

since the man did not say " if you clean, mop and iron, i will love you", then they shouldnt assume just because they wear themselves to the bone doing housework, that he will.

its like a woman saying a man will love her just because he slept with her, maybe even got her pregnant.


besides, if you are constantly grouchy from all the work, it might have a negative effect on those around you.