₦airaland Forum

#2. Solomon Gives Boobies 10 Fingers Up



Solomon's Song, which he creatively titled Song of Solomon, was mostly about boobies. The below references can be seen in 1:13, and 2:6, and 4:5, and 4:16, and 5:4, and 7:7-8 . . . and 8:10... OK, the whole thing was pretty much "Titties, titties, I love titties." Take a look:

#3. I Thought She Was a Prostitute, But She Was My Daughter-in-Law!


Try to find all the things wrong in this passage, from Gen. 38:15-16:
15 When Judah saw her, he thought she was a prostitute, for she had covered her face. 16 Not realizing that she was his daughter-in-law, he went over to her by the roadside and said, “Come now, let me sleep with you.”

“And what will you give me to sleep with you?” she asked.


You'd think the Bible would've just edited out all of the misconceptions involving veils, considering how many times people accidentally have sex with the wrong person in this book. Pesky veils, and now our only excuses are ... like ... alcohol, You'd think the Bible would've just edited out all of the misconceptions involving veils, considering how many times people accidentally have sex with the wrong person in this book. Pesky veils, and now our only excuses are ... like ... alcohol, right, Lot?, Lot?



Of course us modern peeps probably don't realize the kind of impact a veil can have on a relationship. Our women are free to just walk around with their faces flapping in the wind, heralding their identity to the world. You have to hand it to the countries where women still wear veils: it must be a lot easier to write sitcom episodes that revolve around wacky cases of mistaken identity.
To Make it Even Weirder...

Note that the frisky femme above is the same femme (Tamar) who got to witness Onan being slain by the LORD for coitus interruptus. Getting right back on that horse, Tamar! Only instead of a horse, it's Judah--Onan's dad. Score!

If you don't think that's hot, you've ... never been to a really drunk family reunion where everyone's wearing veils and no one is aware it's a family reunion.

cloudgoddess:
Reading the story of Lot's daughters as a young teen literally sparked my atheism. Lmao. I was too disgusted.

(Btw I've been intermittently working on my story in Joshuabase's thread for the past few days and was deciding whether or not to include that. Seeing this I think I will )

Mention me too

#4. God Gives You Tips on How to Hold Your Load

If you've ever heard masturbation referred to as "onanism", well, you've got one guy to thank. Onan was apparently one of the pioneers in the art of ejaculating somewhere other than into a sex partner, as we see in Judah 38:8-10:

#5. Jacob, Two Sisters, And What the Hell, a Handmaid



In Genesis 29: 21-28, Jacob had taken a job where he was to be paid entirely in woman. His boss, Laban, promised his daughter Rachel in exchange for seven years of work. After the seven years, Laban pulled a fast one and swapped in his ugly daughter, Leah, instead:



Unless Leah and Rachel were sisters of the identical "Mary-Kate and Ashley" variety, there is very little reason why Jacob wouldn't realize fairly early in the process that he had the wrong sister. Who knows, maybe they were serving some of Lot's date-rape wine at the party.



The Torah offers further exposition in Megillah 13b: Jacob and Rachel had actually expected Laban to perform the wife-swap and devised a secret signal to reveal that it was really her under the veil (apparently lifting the veil was too obvious a solution).

However, in a last-minute display of womanly wile (what Toran scholars agree is "bitchiness" in modern English), Rachel taught Leah the signal, and she used it to double-double cross Jacob, fucking him in every possible meaning of the word.

After waking up to the presumably hideous Leah, Jacob offered to work another seven years just to get Rachel. This teaches Christians today that the Rachel of Genesis was hotter than the Rachel of Friends. Leah, however, was named after "hidden beauty," or "butterface."


Leah (left) with sister Rachel.

To Make it Even Weirder...

If you read the passage again you'll notice that right in the middle of it is mention of a third woman: Zilpah, Leah's "hand maid." She's right between the verse commencing the night of boning and the verse concluding it. What was she doing there? Watching? Is it our fault that we're picturing that whole scene as just a writhing Chex mix of sex organs?


"And some sheep, too, why not?"

What happens when you take a really skanky sex story and dress it up in a lot of flowery words? You get the Bible. Or large chunks of it, anyway.

Sure, rather than using phrases such as "reverse frog squat," or "slinging manjam," Biblical sex is referenced almost exclusively as "coming in unto" (a phrase still used by porn stars who tend to drop the "in unto". But once you get past the unimaginative verbs, the Bible has some nasty, nasty stories. Such as:

#6. Lot Has Drunk, Drunk Sex in a Cave. With His Daughters.



Sunday school lessons tend to focus on God turning Lot's wife into a pillar of salt like she's starring in one of Sarah Connor's nightmares from T2. It's the sort of imagery that might distract you from something like flagrant incest. But sure enough, at Genesis 19:30-36:



Something tells us Lot's daughters would lose any drinking game centered around "Never Have I Ever." If you've done it in a cave--and you've done it with your dad--you've probably also done it tangled in Fruit By The Foot or by accident with a vegetable.


"Say, I've got a neat idea."

They were so eager to secure some seamen that they nearly polluted the genetic pool for all who came after them. Or maybe they just thought that a world populated by exponentially degenerative DNA sounded funny. To their credit, maybe that's why we have viral videos today.

To Make it Even Weirder...



Speaking of people who might want to steer clear of drinking games, the Bible seems to blame the whole thing on booze, a strategy you'll recognize from work the morning after karaoke night. The alcohol in this case is wine, which raises the question: how much wine do you have to drink before you became oblivious to the fact that you were having sex with your daughter ... a second time?

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Their children also shall be dashed to pieces before their eyes; their houses shall be spoiled, and their wives ravished. – Bible : Isaiah (13) : 16.

She lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses. Ezekiel 23:20 NIV

Now therefore, kill every male among the little ones, and kill every woman who has known man intimately. But all the girls who have not known man intimately, spare for yourselves. Numbers 31:17-18

19:22-29 A group of sexual depraved men beat on the door of an old man's house demanding that he turn over to them a male house guest. Instead, the old man offers his virgin daughter and his guest's concubine (or wife): "Behold, here are my virgin daughter and his concubine; let me bring them out now. Ravish them and do with them what seems good to you; but against this man do not do so vile a thing." The man's concubine is ravished and dies. The man then cuts her body into twelve pieces and sends one piece to each of the twelve tribes of Israel.


PR 5:19 (KJV) "... Let her breasts satisfy thee at all times; and be thou ravished always with her love."

EZ 4:15 (KJV) "... I have given thee cows dung for mans dung, and thou shalt prepare thy bread therewith

EZ 23:3 "They played the harlot in Egypt; they played the harlot in their youth; there were their breasts fondled and their virgin bosoms handled."

Should children be allowed to read this

ErnieSmallzz:
kip-kwayet we are acting drama joor

Loolz

Tosinex:
Lolz.. @hardmirror, you are using your small mind to analyze the work of a supreme being, which mighty extra ordinairre beings enormously greater than you in power and understanding can't fathom. You are just a dullard, stop deceiving your self, YOU CAN'T WIN. Now, you are no more than an entertainer on this religion thread. Smh.

Talk about feeling threatened

Toppytek:
A 100 level student of Federal university of Technology Minna, Niger state was attacked by thieves yesterday who tried to rob him by using cutlass on him. .. almost the same thing happened when two 100level students were coming back from school yesterday night around 11pm when one of them almost got stabbed but luckily for the student the operation wasn't successful.

These thieves have been robbing students of Futminna right from time especially those in Bosso campus living off campus but it's getting worse now.. these guys ain't joking anymore... is either they come inside the lodge when everyone is asleep or they stop you on the road and they'll make sure you drop whatever gadgets you have with you or else you'll be injured seriously.

I hope the management of Federal university of Technology Minna, Niger State and the Niger state government takes necessary action. This is unbearable .

Yikes

johnydon22:
Yeap sure that's the one brother... The older tale is the lie the younger similar work is the truth.

Classic! ...LOL

Lol

HardMirror:
Typing
Continuation of posts 1 above (see update above)

I know you very well, you will start this story, it will shack the whole world, you ll Now start forming yanga, continue story continue story you go dey proud

assu2013:
U most be son of d devil but u have a chance 2 repent now

Bros why are u so scared

otemanuduno:
Funny way to assert that Jesus Christ truly existed in our own world. Now see this story also and tell me if this man didn't exist:

[b] Now there was a time in the period of the reign of Yaradua, that a man called Keandre began to perform miracle. And Keandre cured 2,000,000 people of their blindness in Nigeria. Then did he have two hundred disciples. And Otemanuduno is one of his disciples. Realmindz also is one of his disciples. And Joseff14 is another disciple of Keandre the miracle worker.

Then a time came that the president of the country called Yaradua was about to die. Then Keandre sent to him by the hand of his disciple named Hardmirror, saying, Hardmirror, go now to Aso Rock and lay your hands on Yaradua and cure him. But when Hardmirror got to Ask Rock with Johnydon22, Turai Yaradua did not allow them enter to see the president. And in 2010 the president died.

Also, Keandre has prophesied that Dagrin will die except he comes to the temple to be prayed for. But Dagrin refused and did not pay Keandre a visit. So he had accident and died.

Behold, are all these things not written in the Song of The World by Johnydon22? [/b]


What you just see here is exactly how the bible is written. They add real-life people and happenings to their fictions. The fictional characters you will never find them in any other books except in the books of their co-story writer which they referred you to. But the real-life happening happened for real.


Want more? See this...

Now in the year 2001 did I, Keandre, see a vision. And it was a vision of destruction that there was a bomb blast in Lagos. Now the vision was fulfilled on January 27, 2001 as I have said. The Ikeja Army Cantonment.



If someone writes all these things now, you will laugh because all the things has already happened before you are writing them, but after 2000 years those who read them will believe they actually happened because they will classify the period they are written and the period the things happened into the same category.

You will hear:

Written: Dated 2000AD - 2020AD
Actual Event: Dated 2000AD- 2020AD

WOW! WHAT A GREAT PROPHECY!!!

wonder where I got all these secrets from? THE DOCTUFOS; KNOLIUD 1:1-33
source: https://www.nairaland.com/3067722/mystery-prophecy

Loolz.

Nice one Otem.

Otem I prostrate unto thee .

U are truly the chosen one who is to show people the errors in their ways by the use of an anti religion.

Ishilove:
I can't laugh because it shows the level of poverty in the land. The other day in Ekiti a woman stole her neighbour's amala from the kitchen and together with her hungry children, ate it with raw palmoil.

Aunty ishilove longest tym no see

ritababe:
you are not a true Christian.

.
.
.
.
for the record am not saying I am too but he should leave Christian faith alone and stop mocking them because he has many followers he is taking advantage.

Beautiful lady let's analyze this carefully


You know the earth is spherical.

If by chance anyone should start making books or start a thread explaining why the earth is spherical, you wouldn't even pay any attention because you know the earth being spherical is a fact,.

You believe the Bible and the resurrection are obvious facts ,so why then do u feel threatened about Mr seun s comments. Since u Christians know that the resurrection is a hard fact, why should you be scared that Mr seun so lies would make them think otherwise.



Unless if somehow, u know deep down that.........

ritababe:
so that gives him the right to insult ones religion?

Pretty girl no one is entitled to respect your religion

otemanuduno:
Kingjahzmineking, he's not against us. He's an observer, the PANEL OF IMPARTIAL JUDGE and the MAN TO SPICE UP THE THREAD.



BTW, how much worth of recharge cards have u loaded so far?

Just 100 naira mtn mtn

King jahzmineking why do u hate me so much na

KingJahzmineKing:
We gat nothing to fear....not even your campaign of calumny

Guy I no dey try defame Una .na play I dey play na

.

KingJahzmineKing:
[color=#000099][/color]lolz....

Guy dey pray for ur prophet o

9 days left for otem to become poverty stricken

irunoobo:
[size=18pt]Dem no born una papa well to bomb that brigde we built with cocoa money. That will be the end of niger Delta [/size]

Oga sir , dey no fit try am.

[quote author=KingJahzmineKing post=46928883]hahahahahahaha......ogbeni just reellax and watch, cos we don dey take oval!!![/quote



My friend gerrrahere .take Ova wetin.

Better go and iron your clothes for church 2mao

KingJahzmineKing:
I bet Jehova. Imself need money now cos. He don broke.....Otemanduno I neva see de card o abeg send am to my mail so Faulkin de gay no go fit copy am

Alaye so u sef na otems disciple

sonOfLucifer:
Go through this site. https://igbocybershrine.com/.

You sound knowledgeable about this subject. Would like to hear more, if you're willing.

Ekwensu is the Igbo God of war and trickery. Esu played a similar role in Ifa (Yoruba). In Jewish culture, Lucifer was an adversary to God, an angel who tried to usurp God's power.

Actually in Jewish culture , Satan was an angel made by god for the sole purpose of tempting people and the serpent in the garden of eden was a real snake and not a. Demon. He never tried to usurp gods power because angels have no free will.

Till this day

10 days left for Jehovah jireh to make otem impoverished

I vote mimzy

Cc

Nairaland jega

sonOfLucifer:
Oh boy

Ah only me. Thank you bro.

U are welcome.

BlueEyeBalls:
I even try pass u.... Yet u quote me as if u were gonna get the correct thing....


Better luck next time

U Don rena my wayo taya

BlueEyeBalls:
Pls no cheating....Let's just have fun ahead of tomorrow's contest, I'll keep the ball rolling.

Here's mine... [closing eyes]

"Nairaland is adduxruce"

NnaidL z in addition d

realmindz:
I wish to meet you in person, just to see the brain and intelligence behind this moniker. May you increase in intelligence, if only 30% of Nigerians have the reasoning, we would be more advanced than this

Exactly.

He is

Super intelligent and

Super funny.



Son of lucifer, I prostrate for u . U are 2 much