₦airaland Forum

stuff46:
hahahah

The line got me cracking. I swear una finish our igbo brothers. See maths abeg!

Lmao

nastyd:
Iyaff finish??!!! Iyaff finish??!!!

Kontunu

Lol... Unfortunately, that's the end...

Thanks for reading

Chop my money

Chop my money eee

Chop my money cos I don’t care



As the DJ blasted this song, my face changed, even a soured okro soup is more presentable than my face. Not because my new wife, dancing so joyful beside me, is chopping my money, but the mammoth crowd before me practically chopping my hard earned savings of 4 years!

Yes!

For four good years I saved for my wedding ceremony /marriage and at the blink of an eye, my four years savings is being devoured!

The woman in second row, very close to where were dancing, (who I can’t remember ever meeting before or inviting) is emptying the chicken studded plate of rice in a black nylon with reckless ‘abandon’ irrespective of how crowded the place was.

The next minute she stretches her hand and reaches another plate and empties it contents into the same black nylon, by now the black nylon is so ‘fat’/protruded that you can easily confuse it for Tafa Balogun’s belly in a black police uniform.

What other things could be inside? More Rice? Chicken? Drinks? Soups? Semo? Wheat? Eba? I couldn’t just stop imagining!

At this moment my dance step changed! Not because the DJ has switched to ‘Nwannem shake e Ukwu, shakie ukwu or because my new wife who is a well endowed ‘Arsenal’ fan turns her back and starts shaking as Duncan Mighty instructed; my dance step changed because as a confirmed IBO guy (through and through), I estimated my money in that woman’s black poly bag. The 3 plates of food she emptied into the black nylon in my ‘very before’ has an average cost of N2,400 as I paid an average of N800 per plate, 2 Amstel malt bottles popping out of her bag, Wait! Am I seeing bottles in her hand bag? God! I avoided cans and bought only bottles to avoid people from easily pocketing the drinks and steal pretend like they haven’t seen any.

How in God’s name is she ‘pocketing’ the bottles?

Wait a minute, seems there’s another thing popping out of the bag, the cover of the thing is yellow in color, is that Small Stout?

At this moment someone covers my eyes with money in the name of spraying, I wanted to get upset, but after taking a second look at the currency, it looks and feels a little strange, its smaller in width than the normal naira, is is what am thinking about?

Dollars? Is this guy spraying me dollars? Wow!

I need to confirm, immediately, my skills in secondary schools days where we pick money on floor in broad daylight without anybody actually seeing you came to play.

As an Agege boy I quickly ‘komoled’ and felt the currency, alas they were dollars! Dollars!!

Even though I don’t know the guy spraying me the dollars, I left my wife’s Ukwu and quickly went closer to the man strategically as he was ‘dolling’ the dollars, I danced the way I never imagined I could dance, to motivate the man, to spray the way he never imagined he could spray, but the man looks to be stingy with the spraying, how I wish this guy knew how I needed the dollars

The MC came to whisper something about me needing to face my wife and dance with her, as the words were leaving his mouth I immediately became deaf and dumb.

Look at this guy? I should leave someone spraying me dollars to face someone who I’ve been ‘condemned’ to spend the rest of my life with and this man who has dollars to spray that I don’t even know? He might be one of my father-in-law’s wealthy friends ,but who cares? Like Olu Maintain said, It’s all about the Benjamin’s baby!

That reminds me, are this dollars Benjamin’s or just one, one dollars? They better be Benjamjns oooo, to confirm I went down again, ‘lewole’ style, i stylishly raised a note up and pretended like I was using it to rub my head and face and I saw just 1, there were no two zeros beside the 1, wherever they ran to, I don’t know.

Is this guy spraying just 1 dollars? And am killing myself? Rocking the man instead of my brand new wife? Instantly everything changed I could hear Tu face’s Enter the place, blasting, especially when the place where he said ‘hook up with the girl with the biggest behind’

Without any decorum, I left the stingy 1 dollar guy and looked for beautiful sweet wife from the crowd of dancers, thieves (yes, people steal while others are spraying), friends spraying us etc

Lo and behold I saw her, but…..

2 stupid boys are just rocking my new wife, right in my very before! All this boys should either allow my marriage see at least a day or give me some deserved respect!

What! It took me 2years 3months and exactly 13 days to convince her father to allow me marry her! I spent over 3m of my life savings to impress her stubborn people both in traditional and this white wedding and based on our decision I’ve never visited her Abuja before, yes, u heard right, I’ve never been to Abuja before (There are still Nigerians who don’t believe in Pre-marital sex) and this boys are cunningly touching her Assokoro in the name of dance?

Quickly I shoved them aside and claimed my hard earned wife not even realizing that the 2 boys are her younger brother and cousin.

As resumed my dance with my wife and looked round hoping to use my eyes to motivate people to come and spray us as the number ‘sprayers’ on stage has decreased geometrically, I was one of the table water that has the picture of my wife and I with its content being colored instead of being colorless as water is expected to be. This particular ‘table water’ was black in color! The ‘table water’ was under the table, beside a man that was tastefully dressed in Ankara that doesn’t look like any of the 5 different Aso Ebi’s we used.

How can this man be doing like this naaa? I lamented. There were 4 empty small stout bottles beside the man’s leg, an Eva water container with black colored contents in it, filled to the brim and my humble table water with its own black content in it were all laid at his feet.

Why are people doing like this naaa, even my wife’s reassuring smile couldn’t wipe the frown from my face. One small stout is 200 per bottle, 4 bottles is 800, the one and half bottles of Heineken in front of the man is 750, the 2 empty plates of rice and the currently semo he is destroying is 2600, making an approximate total of 4000! One person?

To get a respite, I looked away only to see black nylons bags, black colored table water and drinks flying into bags and poly bags! Oh my world! Look at ‘me’ money!

As expected, I changed my dance step again, I was tired was feeling faint, I was struggling to dance, I ended up dancing like a relapsing drunk, as if the DJ knew, the next thing I heard from the speaker is ‘mo ti mu Dongoyaro, a monkey tail, bami pe Claro, I wan to do shina today….. I immediately turned to my wife Claro and with smiles on my face, I repeated Olamide’s lyrics to reconfirmed she heard it well, cos tonight am going all the way to the presidential villa, instead of the usual reassuring understanding smile (yea, my wife is very very understanding, virtous etc) she responded with a look that depicts nothing but regret.

What is she regretting? She should better not ‘sherekere’ (rough play).

Anyway, today na today

What happened next? Episode 2

Lessons

When planning your wedding don’t give a hoot about people’s opinion or view about how your wedding should be done, except they are the ones footing the bill!

The worst is a quarrel which will end as sson as you have your first baby. All the sins you he committed and the ones you will commit in future will be forgiven at the sight of a grand child. #TrustMe

No amount is too small or too big for a wedding! If you spend N10m it won’t add any exceptional glamour to your marriage life neither will it increase the number of gifts or physical cash you will realize.

People will never change! Orchestrate your life! Spend the least possible!





#MarriedMan

By Owelle Michael

Source: www.naijasinglegirl.com