₦airaland Forum

SeverusSnape:
Baba one chance is just smiling sheepishly, He doesn't even know what's going on there.
His thought... "Are these guys marketing toys?"
Let him keep raising our hope.

justi4jesu:
Congratulations and avoid receiving any bribe

Ozigbondu:
And now he is a multi millionaire

Bekwarra:
My friend who's a worker in a new generation pentecostal church (I won't mention names) invited me to his church. Although I don't normally go to church VERY EARLY, he succeeded in persuading me to go early with him because as a worker, he should be in church very early and he knew fully well that if we didn't go together, I wouldn't go; so he succeeded in dragging me along.

When we got to church, they started their normal Sunday School like chit-chat and later praises, worship songs and the service started proper. Born into an Apostolic-inclined orthodox and later crossed over to RCCG, I wasn't at home with the mode and method of their service. I was getting bored and feeling out of place while silently praying for the service to end. Then it came to things like "run to five people and tell them greater things are coming your way this week, you must run o", "grab the person beside you and shake him happy sunday". I was getting tired and shaking my head in despair.

The worms in my stomach were not helping matters, they launched a massive #BringBackOurFood protest because I couldn't take breakfast before leaving for church. The only thing that kept on pushing me on was the hope that the pastor would soon say "run to 5 people and hug them happy sunday". I would gladly and patiently look for 5 beautiful sisters with their killing mini/pencil skirts and tight-fitting shirts to hug but unfortunately, that command never came. All those times, I was feeling frustrated already and whenever my eyes meet those of my friend where he was standing with the engines and mixers, he gives me that "padi no vex we go soon finish" smile.

Just as I was resigning to fate and hoping that the service would soon end and I would bolt home the worst of it happened. The pastor had been preaching for close to 45mins harping on the need to give and sow as good Christians. He gave several examples in the bible of people who gave and later reaped God's blessings. He urged us to give and test God. After that, it was time to give offering. The offering was going to be in two parts; normal Sunday offering and the commitment towards the church building because their auditorium is under construction. We gave offering and afterwards the pastor came back on the pulpit and started complaining why people refused to give generously despite taking us on a journey through the word of God about the essence of giving in a Christian life. He preached for another 10mins. I wasn't even listening to him again because I was gradually dozing off.

What actually jolted me back into reality were these words "now it's time for operation search your neighbour". I sat up immediately to listen well and that was when I heard the pastor saying

"this is time for operation search your neighbour, search your neighbour's bag, wallet, purse or pockets as need be and bring out the contents, if there is no money there return the bag but if there is money bring it out, we must learn to give to God. He gave us the money and we must return it to him".

After all those words, people took the bag of the person sitting beside them while the pockets or wallets of brothers were being searched.

The brother beside me was taking his hands towards my pockets about to begin his own search when I said with venom in my eyes and in a Russian mafian voice

"What do you think you want to do??"

He replied me

"You heard what the pastor said brother".

I told him not to even contemplate trying it. He was then trying to pacify me and cajole me telling me there is no harm in giving towards God's work. I told him I'm not against giving but I'm against collecting by force. This is no more giving, this is collecting. He smiled at my words and said

"My brother it's the same thing, God's blessing awaits the two"

and he made for my pockets again, I felt that my phonetics were not having any effect and I replied with

"Bros abeg no try that thing o, I swear I go change am for you".

He was shocked.

One usher noticed us and came to us and he was trying to calm me down because my voiced had changed as my face too.

My friend remained where he was to avoid being seen as the person that brought Orubebe to church. I don dey para for them like mad and the people sitting around us were trying to pacify me. I said "Okay, no problem," carried my bible and.............................with one last Dracula look I told the usher

"Please don't even try to follow me".

He remained rooted to the spot and I made my way out of the church and straight home.

GboyegaD:
Is that a better solution to the killings?

seunfly:
They are all going within a couple of weeks.

lomprico:
I agree!

Funnicator:
Smh. This man is angry because he has stopped benefitting from the Jonathan government. Anyway he should benefit. He is a Niger delta and it's their oil.

I still believe violence is not the best means to an end. Asari, learn from boko haram and understand ab ex general is the new president.

ozoigbondu:
One advise to buhari keep obasanjo as far away as possible from you

freshdude99:
I can't agree less

dealslip:
Please stop opposing army for the sake of your life. They are trigger happy as we speak. Southerners and corpers find your way out of the north. If Buhari wins they will still attack you, if he loses, mayhem may happen. Almajiris don't understand peace accord signing. The fairly peaceful election is not as important as the reactions to the result. Stay alive to see your candidate sworn in. You may never get justice for the people who have lost their lives so far. Change and transformation are synonyms therefore APC and PDP are the same. They will still take you for a ride for the next 4 years knowing our short memory and come to kiss your foot when election is near.

Raiders:
Nice

Flets:
Ok... tell Amaechi he failed

Collation is ongoing and will be completed soon.

Who are they protesting against... INEC or PDP?

Taeewo:
Gej till 29 may 2015...am 500% sure.

FEROH:
No matter your excuse, you don't have any reason to owe them

noskeybaba:
I quite disagree.

charlos14:
Nigeria is bearing the financial burden of the operations by multinational forces against Boko Haram insurgents, findings by The PUNCH on Sunday have revealed.

The troops from Nigeria’s neighbours – Chad and Niger – it was learnt in Abuja, receive N146.25m monthly as pocket and feeding allowances from the Federal Government.

The sum is however different from that paid by Nigeria for fuelling of the operational vehicles of the foreign troops and other logistics, which our source did not state.

A breakdown of the N146.2m shows that the 2,500 troops contributed by Chad receive N112.5m monthly while the 750 soldiers from Niger get N33.75m.

Thus each of the soldiers from the two countries gets N45,000 monthly as pocket and feeding allowances, the same amounts paid their Nigerian counterparts.

The joint war was initiated by the governments of Nigeria, Chad and Niger to flush out the insurgents from the North-East and to halt their incursion into the two Francophone countries.

It was further gathered that the two Francophone countries, are in addition to the allowances paid by Nigeria, making demands for funding by the international community.

Another reason to send Mr. Jonathan packing on Saturday March 28. How can a rag tag army from Chad and Niger be boasting they are superior to our army. It shows the level of degradation Mr. Jonathan has turned Nigeria into. We are now a laughing stock in the comity of nations

Our source, who asked to remain anonymous because he was not permitted to speak on the issue, said, “Although, it is a joint operation, a kind of sub-regional collaborative effort, Nigeria is the only country funding the operations.

“The arrangement is not such that each participating country funds its defence forces deployed for the operation.

“Nigeria is funding the operation to the extent of providing the allowances for all the Chadian and Nigerien troops involved.

“Apart from that, the country is also providing for the feeding of these troops and fuelling all their operational vehicles.”

It was further gathered that in spite of the sacrifices being made by the Federal Government, the joint operation is being threatened by mutual suspicion.

There are allegations that reports about the conflict in the international media are being manipulated by Chadians in the mission area to portray Nigerian troops in bad light.

It was learnt that the Defence Headquarters was not comfortable with the slanting of stories to highlight supposed exploits of the supporting countries to the detriment of the Nigerian forces and indeed the country.

The report that Chadian troops liberated Damasak, a border community between Nigeria and Niger on March 9, 2015 was mentioned as one of such.

In it, the Chadians were reported to have killed 200 insurgents while liberating the town.

However, the Chief of Army Staff, Lt. Gen. Kenneth Minimah, told journalists on Monday that the town was still in terrorists’ hands.

It was further gathered that the mutual suspicion was exacerbated by an incident which resulted in the killing of an unspecified number of Nigerian troops by insurgents on their way to Dikwa.

The New York Times quoted the Chadian Foreign Minister, Moussa Mahamat, as having said that “the Nigerian Army has not succeeded in facing up to Boko Haram.”

He had added, “The occupation of these towns, this is up to Nigeria. My fondest wish is that they assume their responsibilities.

“Our biggest wish is that the Nigerian Army pulls itself together — that it takes responsibility in the towns. We are ready to disengage, right away.”

However, the Director Defence Information, Maj. Gen. Chris Olukolade, who dismissed the claim on Saturday, said, “It is not true that our soldiers are not willing to take over such communities. There is no town that our soldiers have liberated that is not being well secured and well patrolled at the moment.

“We have always warned against irresponsible comments in this collaboration and we are not ready to join issues with anybody. We will do everything to sustain this collaboration.”

Attempts to get Olukolade to comment on Nigeria’s financial commitment to the ongoing operation were unsuccessful on Sunday.

Calls to his mobile telephone number did not connect as of the time of 8pm.

http://www.punchng.com/news/bharam-nigeria-pays-chadian-nigerien-soldiers-n146m-monthly/


On a side note, Nigerian soldiers need to be paid better than the soldiers of Niger and Chad....

BeeBeeOoh:
2003, 2007 & 2011 is set to welcome 2015 in our record and nothing is gonna stop it. We love breaking records, it's our hobby..



O boi, c lalasticlala on viewing crew..




GMB loser 2003-2015

wiseoneking:
Just check out the five.
1 Ogun
2 Anambra
3 Akwaibom
4 kano
5 Abia

Tallesty1:
The guy deserves a medal.





Who took the pix?

400billionman:
Yes, GEJ must be returned unopposed.

Till 2019..

pacifique:
Thank God they have realized the 'falsehood' that perpetually inhabits APC.


GEJ till 2019!!!

SeverusSnape:


If they like, let them launch a hi-tech satellite into space, It doesn't make any difference, Buhari shall cry again.

The station shall be meant mainly for propaganda dissemination.

oakson:
In the following lines you'd be exposed to how to attract, woo, and marry ladies in some Nigerian churches.

Get a seat and let's roll...

MOUNTAIN OF FIRE
Wooing an MFM girl entails a fiery approach. U must be spiritually rugged, a carrier of fire[dem go fit fry egg for your head sef wit d kain fire wey u must carry].

You must be a demon chaser and spiritual jail breaker!

Going on 3 days dry must be like 3 hours to you.

Academic qualification is at least OND. You must be vast in demonology, with a clear, robust and empirical demonic interpretation of sex, anger, beer, etcetera

You must also know the demons behind shoki dance, sekem, attachment, weave on and the likes!

Finally you must have cast out at least 10 demons from your life or anybody's!

N.B: You can't Test Before Payment[b](TBP)[/b] because demons would expose you.

DEEPER LIFE
Hmmmm.... ***clears throat***

You must know the bible from pali to pali, sell all your designers and get yourself some old skool shirts and trousers.

Change your LCD to black and white, your home theatre to video cassette player(because brethren may come for inspection)!

You must have the same speech pattern like the general himself (baba I hail o), with good command of the English language.

Academic qualification must be minimum Bsc or its equivalent! [if you no go school your type dey dere too]

It is not capital intensive as there would be no need for cinemas,vacation,picnics, night outs and diamond ring for the 'will you marry me' question!

Just easter and december retreat is okay for the relationship.

Above all you must be willing to use your head carry eba during retreats and very humble to the core

NB: Tasting Before Payment TBP and divorce are not allowed
.

REDEEMED
Let sombori shout aleluya...

You must get yourself every RCCG souvenirs you can think of; ranging from wrist band to calender, t-shirt, sticker etcetera. You can even sew a customised RCCG's ankara and wear it to her place.

You must have one of their pastor that is close to Baba as a relative or in-law(to make the girl head swell well well)

Join the workers, especially ushering department or choir and be a regular pilgrim of Holy Ghost Night and let's go a fishing.

Get yourself different colours of tambourine and security whistle(for praise na) in case you no sabi dance well well.

N.B:[/b]Their wedding is relative to the intended couples pocket! Academic qualification at least Bsc

[b] Christ Embassy and Household of God
Same thing applies to these two churches as their MOG share almost everything in common!

You must be a very good jerry curler, a huge sower of seed and a great shouter!

Sit on top of a conglomerate or be a celeb(up coming artiste are allowed with Queen's english and heavy swag).

If you no go school at all abi you no sabi English, sorry bro, your own don finish, don't just apply!

Your taste of fashion must be high and designers all through to your boxers with demon binding perfumes!

You must be a good mimer and fan of Sinachi, Buchi, Frank Edward and their likes.

If you kon get talent, like good voice join am or you be fine boy... Chai your own don haf done!

No bringing of bibles to d church; your tablets and other gadgets must be visible and a debtor to the eyes(j'oju n'gbese)!

You must be able to speak in tongues and not just have a common one, you must have at least 5 types of tongue with vibration!

Their wedding is mostly expensive.
N.B: Unlimited TBP is inclusive with a robust package

Warning: these marriages are liable to die young.

WHITE GARMENT
You must be a great drinker of Alomo, orijin, baby oku and paraga for easy, direct and uninterrupted access to the spirit world! Weed is also allowed!

You must carry dreadlock with a good display of Terry G's kind of madness!

Your garment can be yellow, red or blue according to the colour of your preferred drink or its container.

White if you prefer palm wine! You must sabi shoki and alanta well well and sabi use clap and broom cure madness!

A little knowledge of Quran would do because they often speak arabic in their realm! You will need a kind of Jarules or Papa Ayo's chain on your garment to really convince her that you belong!

Their wedding is not compulsory as the girl could even be carrying your third child without u even knowing her parents!

Academic qualification is at least primary school leaving certificate with little madness or a certificate from Aro or Yaba left!

N.B: Polygamy and TBP dey yafun yafun!

CHRIST APOSTOLIC CHURCH
This you can and can't do it alone, you will need the help of your grandma cos dem no dey gree leave the church.

Learn two or three hymns, few of Uncle Ojo Ade's song and Mama Bola Are's and be a good prayer leader.

Cram as many psalms you can, how to pray on water and see vision or hear voices.

Get yourself a prayer bell sew one cassock and make it a daily routine at exactly 5am be the one to always wake the girl's neighbourhood with your morning cry.

When you get to the front of her building stand for 3-5minutes and raise your voice higher, then proceed.

Continue for three weeks and watch how things unfold!

Qualification is minimum SSCE and their wedding is considerate!

N.B: No Testing... and divorce is not allowed!

No mind my English o, just let's catch fun!


Please this is not to ridicule or mock the body of Christ

steppins:
Same way AIG MBU will gun your people down on 28th march. Mumu people.

Here2BustnScrew:
General Overseer of the Resurrection Praise Ministries for Africa, Arch Bishop Mustapha Benjamin, on Wednesday, warned the All Progressives Congress (APC), its presidential candidate, Major-General Muhammadu Buhari and the party’s National Leader, Senator Bola Ahmed Tinubu, to leave the Christians, their leaders and temple of God out of their propaganda and deceit.

Benjamin, who claimed to be issuing the warning on behalf of the Christian groups and their leaders, including the Pentecostal Fellowship of Nigeria (PFN), the Christian Association of Nigeria (CAN), the Apostolic Faith Movement, Southern Christians, Pastor Enoch Adejare Adeboye, Bishop David Oyedepo, among others, also warned Governor Rotimi Amaechi to stop his propaganda against the church in Nigeria and Christian leaders as well.

Arch Bishop Benjamin said this at a World Press Conference he addressed at the church, located at the Satellite Town, Lagos, while reacting to a newspaper report that 25,000 pastors and evangelists in the South-West were to hold a special prayer session for Buhari and his running mate, Professor Yemi Osinbajo, on Tuesday, at Teslim Balogun Stadium, Lagos.

The man of God also frowned at the allegation made by Governor Amaechi that President Goodluck Jonathan bribed Christian leaders across the country with a sum of N6billion.

Speaking at the conference attended by large congregation of the church, Arch Bishop Benjamin said that nothing of such spiritual exercise took place at the Teslim Balogun Stadium, demanding that the APC and their leaders should stop desecrating the temple of God with their campaign propaganda, lies and deceit.

“Everyday, one pastor or another is being called names, that is enough, enough is enough. I carry this message to all Nigerians. Let’s show respect for one another. Do not desecrate our worship centres.

“I stand for all the Christian bodies in Nigeria. What I say today is the position of the Church in Nigeria. Don’t drag us to your propaganda machinery. We won’t accept it, we won’t accept it anymore,” the arch bishop queried.

Arch Bishop Benjamin, while answering a question, contended that giving the poor distribution of the Permanent Voter Cards (PVCs) for the coming elections and the insistence of the Independent National Electoral Commission (INEC) to use the card readers, the country would only witness just a free poll, but not a fair and credible exercise.

According to him, the distribution of PVCs by the commission in states of the federation and more especially in the Southern states bothered on alleged collaboration between the INEC and some interest, saying such was not likely to guarantee free, fair and credible election.

He, therefore, suggested that the INEC should allow the use of Temporary Voter Cards (TVCs) for the 2015, while it works towards perfection of electronic voting in 2019 exercise.
http://tribune.com.ng/news/news-headlines/item/31739-don-t-desecrate-church-with-propaganda-bishop-benjamin-tells-apc-buhari-tinubu

Rossikk:
When you swim in mental negativity, everything around you will be negative.

PhockPhockMan:
Akpabio is killing APC