₦airaland Forum

PretiEbony: for ur mind, u dey follow claim celebrity 4 nairaland *SMH *

Do i know you?

mincuu: where am I?

two guys are fighting, a third guy comes from nowhere, picks a bottle of squadi and breaks it on his head just to separate the two guys fighting... abeg, na where be dis?

Onitsha

Is it now a crime to be a celebrity? ,you no wan see us for 2013,u wan mek we die?? *joins Bunmi in the action*

Chaii,u realy are the JOKES PROFESSOR,this is a very artistic,lucrative,creative writing & full of humour,mehn u should write a book,it would get you some real cash just that the sexuality in it is kind of alot(no offence,jst saying). . . But seriously Bravo,kudos to you,u realy did excellently on this. . . There should be a "Longest & funniest joke award for the year" (just an idea), cus this write-up clearly deserves an award. . . Once again Bravo & keep it up. . . Can't wait for part 43 *entering the thread minute by minute to check whether it has been updated*. .


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Mehn the suspense is killing me,did i mention this write-up is excessively funny,i've had to buy 7 new boxers cus i tore them all while reading this story. . .*grins*

bunmioguns: no mind him, he changed his gender...he is one baboon of a guy

Oh,i see. . . SMH in the direction of Jackpot. . . By the way did i mention it is the end times??

Wow,all the votes so far point to only 1 person,abeg i tink the election has ended cus we already know the winner. . . Ok,I vote UNDISPUTED BUNMIOGUNS me too

Wow,all the votes so far point to only 1 person,abeg i tink the election has ended. . . Ok,I vote UNDISPUTED BUNMIOGUNS me too

Wait oo,me i dont undastand,Jackpot u be guy abi Lady ni??, & lest i forget,It is the end timez

Lmao. . .It is the end timez

Hahahaha busted. . . Ok i officially nominate myself ,if i'm not permitted to nominate myself then i nominate Valiantvaliant

Excelboi: Very dry, the op must be feeling funky for dis joke.

Aaaaaahhh sharrrrrrrap

bunmioguns: akpos dey really vex

Hahahahaha na true oo

After blocking Akpors from sending friend request to Ekaitte, he wrote a letter to fb.
AM NOT JOKING
Dear Facebook,
It's with great pleasure that I write to you.
Firstly, allow me to express my sincere thanks to you for allowing me to be on you and indeed for giving me thousands of cyber friends.
Further thanks for allowing me to keep in touch with my loved ones.
But I have a few observations to make.
1. When a man updates their status, they'll get 2 likes and3 comments from their formerclassmates and 0 friend requests... but if the same status is updated by a lady, they get 170 likes, 350 comments and 470 friend requests... Why are you tolerating Gender Discrimination?
2. People who don't even have licence in real life have cars on fb... Why do you allow black mailing?
3. People who are kept and not working in real life are CEOs on fb... Why do you allow scams?
4. Everyone writes prayers on fb but in real life they never have time to kneel down and pray... Why don't you remind them that you arenot God?
5. Everyone on fb likes to see a status pronouncing blessings on them but they never bless others in real life... Can't you stop that selfishness?
6. If facebook is about meeting and making new friends, why do you block mewhen I try doing so?Must I know everyone?
Please look into these issues.
Yours' concerned addict, Akpors

Hmmmm,since clearly BG has been banned this year,i go for Bunmioguns,i nominate Bunmioguns. . . . Culd someone summarize these 5 pages of the thread for me cause it's too tiring,i skipped to the last page after viewing the 2nd

bunmioguns: jst go to dis link nd nominate either me or BG. . . https://www.nairaland.com/1120006/2012-official-jokes-section-poster. .

Okeydokey chief

bunmioguns: dont mind him my social director, he is only jealous because Bin and I has been nominated as d jokes section poster of d year, anywhere u see his comments, jst ignore it.....



Anyway, welcome on board nd beside where hav u been since all dis days

Emm. . .my Oga,just been around,had soo many things to take care of,i've been really busy. . . But me back now

peterugoobi: Not bad

Tnks man

jackpot: Epistle of Xymc to the Phillistines

aahh,wat?

# Your Ex asking to be friends after breaking up is like Kidnappers asking to "keep in touch" after letting you go.
# I love you more today than yesterday. Yesterday you really pissed me off.
# Smile, it scares people ..
# A good man can make you feel sexy, strong andable to take on the world...Ohh sorry that's wine.... wine does that ..
# I never make stupid mistakes, only very very clever ones...
# Get a tattoo. Don’t worry about regret.
# "HAVE PATIENCE" is thefavourite word of LAZY PEOPLE
# 3 people = party, 2 people = Twosome and 1 person = ? Guess..!!!! one-some..!! No its hand-some
# Going into the unknown is how you expand what is known.

1. Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving. (My personal favorite funny quotes )
2. Having one child makesyou a parent; having two you are a referee.
3. Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband!
4. I believe we should all pay our tax with a smile. Itried - but they wanted cash.
5. Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent.
6. Don't marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you cannotlive without, but whateveryou do, you'll regret it later.
7. You can't buy love, butyou pay heavily for it.
8. Bad officials are electedby good citizens who do not vote.
9. Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
10. Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she will take it anyway.
11. My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with me.
12. Those who can't laughat themselves leave the job to others.
13. Ladies first. Pretty ladies sooner.
14. A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.
15. You are getting old when you enjoy remembering things more than doing them.
16. It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.
17. Saving is the best thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.
18. It's funny when people discuss Love Marriage vs Arranged. It'slike asking someone, if suicide is better or being murdered.
19. There is only one perfect child in the world and every mother has it.
20. It is no exaggeration to say that the undecided could go one way or
another.

Did u miss me,while i was gone did anyone eclipse me,cum'on gist me. . .
Yo yo yo it's your projan social director back again,i just wanna take this time out to apologise for my days of absence,no creating threads nor commenting on any thread,if you wanna hear the full story you can meet me later in my office *winks*
I'd like to shout out to my Presido Bunmioguns,his vice,the jokes president Proff Emiritus Bin bagbo,all the cabinet members and fellow Projaners,how una dey?,hope u all doing well,good. . . Well as a welcome back party i'd like you all to just sit back,relax,order any drink or delicacy you want,the waitress will attend to you and enjoy this jokes. . . Please if there's any joke that u've read before kindly hold it to yourself cause there are others that havent read them before. . . I'm your host da Xymc. . . .*standing ovation* thank you,thank you,thank you oh you're too kind thank you. . . DJ HIT IT!!! LETS GET DA PARTY STARTD!!! ****






Mafia Boss and his deaf book keeper
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of ten million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf.That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he might have totestify about in court. When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.
The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10million bucks he embezzled from me is."
The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the money is.
The bookkeeper signs back ,"I don't know what you are talking about."
The attorney tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it the bookkeeper's temple and says, "Ask him again!"
The attorney signs to the bookkeeper, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him!"
The bookkeeper signs back,"OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens !"
The Godfather asks the attorney, "Well, what'd he say?"
The attorney replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."
Lawyers...You gotta love 'em.
****

Naughty Answers
A small Boy wrote to Santa Claus, "send me a brother"
Santa wrote back,
" SEND ME YOUR MOTHER"
****************************************
What is the definition of Mistress?
Someone between the Mister and Mattress
***********************************
Husband asks:
"Do u know that the meaning of WIFE is:
W ithout
I nformation
F ighting
E very-time
Wife replies:
" No,......
It means:
W ith
I diot
F or
E ver !!!"
*****************************************
What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?
Stress is when wife is pregnant,... Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant.
Panic is when both are pregnant.
****************************************
Grammar Teacher: Do you know the importance of a period?
Kid: Yeah, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted, dad got a heart attack
& our driver ran away
*********************************************************
A young boy asks his Dad:"What is the difference between confident and confidential?
Dad says: "You are my son, I'm confident about that. Your friend over there, is also my
son, THAT is confidential.
****
Deer and a boy
A boy kills DEER & cooks it &
doesn't tell friends what it is.
He gives a clue
"Its what my girlfriend calls Me!..
A Friend screamed:
"Nobody eat it, its dog meat !!!! "

Every Sunday
afternoon, after
the morning
service at the
church, the Pastor
and his eleven
year old son would
go out into their
town and hand out
Gospel Tracts.
This particular
Sunday afternoon,
it was very cold
outside, as well as
pouring rain.
The boy bundled
up in his warmest
and driest clothes
and said, 'OK, dad,
I'm ready.'
His Pastor dad
asked, 'Ready for
what?'
'Dad, it's time we
gather our tracts
together and go
out.'
Dad responds,
'Son, it's very cold
outside and it's
pouring rain.'
The boy gives his
dad a surprised
look, asking, 'But
Dad, aren't people
still going to Hell,
even though it's
raining?'
Dad answers, 'Son,
I am not going out
in this weather.'
Despondently, the
boy asks, 'Dad, can
I go? Please?'
His father
hesitated for a
moment then said,
'Son, you can go.
Here are the
tracts, be careful
son.'
'Thanks Dad!'
And with that, he
was off and out
into the rain. This
eleven year old
boy walked the
streets of the
town going door to
door and handing
everybody he met
in the street a
Gospel Tract .
After two hours of
walking in the rain,
he was soaking,
bone-chilled wet
and down to his
VERY LAST TRACT.
He stopped on a
corner and looked
for someone to
hand a tract to, but
the streets were
totally deserted.
Then he turned
toward the first
home he saw and
started up the
sidewalk to the
front door and
rang the door bell.
He rang the bell,
but nobody
answered.
He rang it again
and again, but still
no one answered.
He waited but still
no answer.
Finally, this eleven
year old trooper
turned to leave,
but something
stopped him.
Again, he turned to
the door and rang
the bell and
knocked loudly on
the door with his
fist. He waited,
something holding
him there on the
front porch!
He rang again and
this time the door
slowly opened.
Standing in the
doorway was a
very sad-looking
elderly lady. She
softly asked, 'What
can I do for you,
son?' With radiant
eyes and a smile
that lit up her
world, this little
boy said, 'Ma'am,
I'm sorry if I
disturbed you, but
I just want to tell
you that * JESUS
REALLY DOES LOVE
YOU * and I came
to give you my
very last Gospel
Tract which will tell
you all about JESUS
and His great
LOVE.'
With that, he
handed her his last
tract and turned to
leave.
She called to him
as he departed.
'Thank you, son!
And God Bless
You!'
Well, the following
Sunday morning in
church Pastor Dad
was in the pulpit.
As the service
began, he asked,
'Does anybody
have testimony or
want to say
anything?'
Slowly, in the back
row of the church,
an elderly lady
stood to her feet.
As she began to
speak, a look of
glorious radiance
came from her
face, 'No one in this
church knows me.
I've never been
here before. You
see, before last
Sunday I was not a
Christian. My
husband passed
on some time ago,
leaving me totally
alone in this world.
Last Sunday, being
a particularly cold
and rainy day, it
was even more so
in my heart that I
came to the end of
the line where I no
longer had any
hope or will to live.
So I took a rope
and a chair and
ascended the
stairway into the
attic of my home. I
fastened the rope
securely to a rafter
in the roof, then
stood on the chair
and fastened the
other end of the
rope around my
neck. Standing on
that chair, so
lonely and broken-
hearted I was
about to leap off,
when suddenly the
loud ringing of my
doorbell
downstairs
startled me. I
thought, 'I'll wait a
minute, and
whoever it is will
go away.'
I waited and
waited, but the
ringing doorbell
seemed to get
louder and more
insistent, and then
the person ringing
also started
knocking loudly...
I thought to
myself again, 'Who
on earth could this
be? Nobody ever
rings my bell or
comes to see me.' I
loosened the rope
from my neck and
started for the
front door, all the
while the bell rang
louder and louder.
When I opened the
door and looked I
could hardly
believe my eyes,
for there on my
front porch was
the most radiant
and angelic little
boy I had ever
seen in my life. His
SMILE, oh, I could
never describe it to
you!
The words that
came from his
mouth caused my
heart that had
long been dead, TO
LEAP TO LIFE as he
exclaimed with a
cherub-like voice,
'Ma'am, I just came
to tell you that
JESUS REALLY
DOES LOVE YOU .'
Then he gave me
this
Gospel Tract that I
now hold in my
hand.
As the little angel
disappeared back
out into the cold
and rain, I closed
my door and read
slowly every word
of this Gospel
Tract. Then I went
up to my attic to
get my rope and
chair. I wouldn't be
needing them any
more.
You see-- -I am
now a Happy Child
of the KING. Since
the address of
your church was on
the back of this
Gospel Tract, I
have come here to
personally say
THANK YOU to
God's little angel
who came just in
the nick of time
and by so doing,
spared my soul
from an eternity in
hell.'
There was not a
dry eye in the
church. And as
shouts of praise
and honour to THE
KING resounded
off the very
rafters of the
building, Pastor
Dad descended
from the pulpit to
the front pew
where the little
angel was
seated....
He took his son in
his arms and
sobbed
uncontrollably.
---------------
---------------
---------------
------------
Don't let this
message die, read
it again and share
it with others.
Heaven is for His
people!
If you love JESUS,
please share this
message.
Spread His word,
and share His
goodness and
faithfulness.
God bless you.