Efemena_xy:

On the contrary, you're actually agreeing with my post about her attitude.

Basically, anyone who agrees to be treated like what you say (outlined in bold), is in for a shyte relationship. A master-slave relationship.

Pls O! Make una help me out here naw! What does dudu osun mean??

designed for the stubborn african skin...
[img]http://www.shea.pl/files/dudu2.jpg[/img]

Kai!! See as the thing look like poop! lol

As for the marriage my answer is no. I think the poster is afraid that the man sees her as the bigger salary earner and she is afraid that if they get married he'll expect her to take care of majority of their finances as the breadwinner.

^^ And what's wrong with the woman being the breadwinner footing majority of the bills if she can afford it?

Doing so won't make her any less of a woman, nor will it make him any less of a man either. If anything, such an act can only serve to motivate her man to work harder and strive for better things, as he would see her as his pillar of support. As long as she doesn't nag and belittle him about this, any normal man, with his head screwed on would love his wife even more for helping out when he was down.

Marriage in the true sense of the world is a partnership. Now that's my understanding of "for better, for worse..."

coogar:

designed for the stubborn african skin...
[img]http://www.shea.pl/files/dudu2.jpg[/img]

Coogar, that is one mean ball of feaces!!

And you say some women actually pester men to buy that stuff for them? Doesn't the thing smell sef?

Efemena_xy: ^^ And what's wrong with the woman being the breadwinner footing majority of the bills if she can afford it?

Doing so won't make her any less of a woman, nor will it make him any less of a man either. If anything, such an act can only serve to motivate her man to work harder and strive for better things, as he would see her as his pillar of support. As long as she doesn't nag and belittle him about this, any normal man, with his head screwed on would love his wife even more for helping out when he was down.

Marriage in the true sense of the world is a partnership. Now that's my understanding of "for better, for worse..."

Given that, in my opinion,a lot of Nigerian men, no matter how educated, remain immature when it comes to seeing their partners as equals in the relationship, I would not encourage a situation where the woman foots the bulk of the bill 100% of the time. Maybe for a period, but not for more than a couple of months.

Bebe4u ,l feel ur pain; don't mind these who call u names, d guy is jst a stingy guy. Haba!
A workn class guy cn't give his girl 2k 4 hair ? I doubt if he cn buy her a gift worth 10k' .
I ve a sistr who dated a guy bck thn in 1996, who doesn't giv a dime while dating, she was workn then,so she didn't complain then, today they quarrel evryday 4 money. Infact she pay some of d childrn sch fees!
Pls, discuss it wit him, if he didn't change ,abeg look ahead jó!
Secondly, don't marry a guy u ar nt attractd to or dnt ve feelns 4, no mattr d pressure 4m ur parent or anyone, its wil result to frustratn@ d longrun and mayb divorce!
3dly, pray! Pray! Pray! So that u dn't marry d wrong person.
Marrying d wrng person cn alter one's destiny in life!
As a lady, b4 u say " I DO" checkout dz 3tins
* Love [ do u love each oda?
* Compatibility [ are u compatibility in many areas
* Responsibility [ does he knw his responsibility.
Sweetie, don't shut ur eyes to dz facts.
Lastly, look b4 u leap!
God bless u!
*

Wondering why an adult wud want to deceive herrself. Dis sounds grossly incredible,but perchance dia is any iota of truth in dis folklore ,d poster is d gentleman's problem. Since it's candid advice u want I opine u delete urself 4m d guy's life n carrry ur wahala to ur father's house. Pls stay dia until ur self-made mugu comes ur way. Mtchewwww..

Tope wealth: Bebe4u ,l feel ur pain; don't mind these who call u names, d guy is jst a stingy guy. Haba!
A workn class guy cn't give his girl 2k 4 hair ? I doubt if he cn buy her a gift worth 10k' .

Why should he? Is he her father? She nor get self respect??

I ve a sistr who dated a guy bck thn in 1996, who doesn't giv a dime while dating, she was workn then,so she didn't complain then, today they quarrel evryday 4 money. Infact she pay some of d childrn sch fees!

And so? Are they not her kids? If that man heaven forbid, dies of a heart attack from excessive monetary pressures, will she not take up the financial reins??

Pls, discuss it wit him, if he didn't change ,abeg look ahead jó!

snip.

snip..

snipe...


Lastly, look b4 u leap!
God bless u!
*

She should look ahead now. No need to keep stringing the poor man along.

[/color][color=#990000]OP, your case is pathetic. At 30, you are single with a very good job. If care is not taken with this your (man must provide) altitude, u may end up single for life.

If a guy who propose to marry a lady cn't buy her a gift of 2k ,4 a whole 3yrs of friendship or dating, then that guy is stingy.
As a lady, l giv out gifts worth thousands of naira to my girl and boy friends, l ve given out 3 good phones to my friends who lost their phones, so tell me ,do l have to be their father b4 l give dem tins? Well, if l cn get lovely stuffs 4 my guy, and he doesn't , then he is stingy!
Wat strengthn Love? =Giving! Any guy who claim to luv without givn is a lier!
2ndly, do u expect a woman to b d breadwinner of d family whn d guy also work
Then, d guy is totally inresponsible! In such family, d woman won't respect d man, and she might keep diff. Men! The man is d head of d family while d woman is an help mate! A man should knw his responsibility nd d wife cn assist him!simply!
Oh! I love my Dad, he is such a wonderful man, a man evry woman would drm to b wit!

i like how people change their tunes depending on the posts, how many of you women here pay rent? or even half of it? do not come and pretend as if a man is not footing 90% of the bills in your homes. and do not come and excuse the patheticness by saying you are married.

damn this site is full of god damned hypocrites!

awon mrs independents, mrs independent housewives. . .I am amused.

crazy about his money nothing beat that.

Most of you are getting it wrong.There is nothing wrong with a friend taking care of a friend.

There is nothing wrong in expecting a bf to foot some of your bills on his own,as long as one does not habitually demand or see it as his duty.

I really question the foundation of this relationship,this story is not complete.

Don't and never marry someone you don't love and can never marry on a normal situation.

coogar:

chaircover, you know!
the sole reason naija men behave the way they do is because of what the women make them do. she has a good job but she wants to be spoilt like a naija full housewife. i say amen to that.

And? You want to marry a woman, why should you not treat her like a full naija housewife?

Op, you want to marry a guy you are not attracted to, not even one single bit? Haba! Does that sound sensible in yóur head? A man you are not even se.xually attracted to? What are you going to do with your sex life? How are you going to get over that disgust when you lie with him? See him in your bed every morning?

The world is not as rosy as they made it out to be when you were a child. You will not marry at the age you want and you will not have kids at the age you want.

We need to stop instilling these fairytales in the heads of children. Life does not go by a certain book or rule. Things happen and things don't work out the way we plan it to.

You are now desperate because from day one, you have been told you have to be married by a certain age, you have to have kids by a certain age. All these are pressures that affect us in life and it should stop.


Trying to live your life by the book can have tremendous effects on you especially when things don't go as planned.


Now at 30, you are losing sleep because you are not married, is that life? Do you have to get married?

In this society, marriage is not what it was. Society has desecrated on it. It means nothing now. You marry because you feel pressured. You marry because that's what society says you have to do. You marry because you feel like you are aging. No wonder divorce rates are high and I know op, if you marry this guy, you will become part of it.

Again, I ask, do you have to get married? Do you have to have that paper to say you are in love or you want to spend your life with someone?

Just my 2cents.

i guess its true what Will smith said , success does not change people, it merely amplifies what was already there

all the oyel money has done nothing to the ops self esteem and values

like so many nigerian women , most of her self worth is tied to having a ring on her finger

Tope wealth: Bebe4u ,l feel ur pain; don't mind these who call u names, d guy is jst a stingy guy. Haba!
Infact she pay some of d childrn sch fees!

Wow! That is so wrong, women should not be paying school fees for [size=18pt]their[/size] children. If the man cant do it, and the child is male, phock it, the child should foot his own tuition.

3dly, pray! Pray! Pray! So that u dn't marry d wrong person.

Abi oo. Prayer solves everything, especially when you dont want to end up paying your children's tuition.

Marrying d wrng person cn alter one's destiny in life!

It can also set you back a few change if you end up having to pitch in sometimes.

Tope wealth: If a guy who propose to marry a lady cn't buy her a gift of 2k ,4 a whole 3yrs of friendship or dating, then that guy is stingy.

So 2k is your benchmark? Once you pass the 2k point by one naira, are you still stingy?

As a lady, l giv out gifts worth thousands of naira to my girl and boy friends, l ve given out 3 good phones to my friends who lost their phones,

Coming from someone who finds it deplorable to pay her child's tuition, I think this is a lie. Next time come up with something better.

Wat strengthn Love? =Giving! Any guy who claim to luv without givn is a lier!

Love is all 'bout what you can get, isnt it?

2ndly, do u expect a woman to b d breadwinner of d family whn d guy also work

Hell No. I'd rather have an oil-well winner, that beats 'bread winner' any day any time. I can be the bread winner.

Oh! I love my Dad, he is such a wonderful man, a man evry woman would drm to b wit!

Is your dad a p/i/m/p?

Dear poster. That man is not urs, pls move on. A man in love does not care wat his woman earns. If he feels wat he can afford to give u is too small, he wld take u to places and foot the bill.
I was married for 5 months. I married a man who was also comfortable but made less than I did. I didn't ask him for anything. I paid all the bills witout complaining, cooked meals from my pocket, cleaned the house and did his laundry. Guess wat he told me? Said I had rich boyfriends footing my bills n dat is why I wasn't complaining.
I know my ex could be an extreme example. But a man who does not treasure u before marriage wld not do so afterwards.
Most people on Nairaland just post for fun. Please don't let their post bother you.

bebe4u: My virtual friends, i am posting this because i ant to share the burden i have in my life right now and i seek for honest answer and advice in which ever way. please keep it polite anyone could be in a similar situation and we could all learn from it at the end of the day.

First I disagree with this line. We all arent created equal so some of us will never find ourselves in this kind of situation. This is your burden, that befell you because of your unique experience, luck, and background. You attracted it to yourself, so stop looking for pity from us. Grow up already!

I am 30years of age female working in the oil & gas sector and very comfortable financially. How ever i have been in a platonic relationship with a guy who is currently working in a bank but[b] i am better off financially.[/b]

Congrats!

He never hid his intention that he loves me and would want to take things to the next level but i have always maintain my stand of us not rushing things while trying to sort out my real feelings for him. He asked me to marry him recently and i accepted.

So on one hand, you are still sorting things out in the emotional realm. On the other hand, he asked for your hand in marriage and you said NO? Well, I honestly believe NO is the right answer because only a weirdo would say YES in this type of situation. And I am sure you are not a weirdo. I mean, you dont sound like one. You are a sane, well educated, single lady in her 30s, confused and perhaps not that good looking, but traditional nevertheless. Traditional is good; just that it is relative and subjective.

The burden i have in my heart now is 1- I am not in love with him and also not sexually attracted to him.

What? When did you realize this? The first couple of times you met him or 789 days into the relationship?

By that i mean im not crazily in love but i like him as a friend.

What do you like about him? The fact that he is the only one who pays attention to you? Or the fact that he is the only one strong enough to put up with your ugly attitude?

2- I have concerns about our financial obligation in the sense that i fear he might not provide for me the way a husband should for is wife.

Okay.

i am a traditional person where i believe a man should always provide for his wife no matter how small, im willing to support him but through the three years we have been friends he hasnt provided in the least of money for my salon session.

And what tradition tells you that the man must always provide for the woman? The man as the bread winner is a totally western idea that was planted in the psyche of us Africans by our colonial masters. At no point in the history of Africa was the man ever a bread winner. Hunter yes, bread winner, NO. Two different things. The agrarian family that pervaded the African society in the 'old' world was a unit of production that was bound to each other for economic survival; there were no 'traditional' bread winners, no separation of responsibilities. Both parties pitch in for the betterment of the household. An old Yoruba proverb goes: "Bokunrin rejo bobinrin pa a, kejo ma sa ti lo." Meaning, "If a man sees a snake and a woman kills it, what matters is the death of the snake." It doesnt matter who the bread winner is, what is important is that you two do not starve to death.

i feel he is just taking advantage of the fact that i can afford it, so i feel differently.

The only way to know for sure is for you to quit your job and be solely dependent on him.

He currently lives with his family and younger brother. i talked to him one day and said he should get a house of his own but till date he hasnt and havent made any real effort at that yet he talks about facilitating meeting my parents et al.

Whats your point?

Question is what are the pros and cons of going ahead to marry this young man or should i just call it off as i have been tempted to several times. BTW he is 35yrs of age, has been working in the bank for 6 yrs as an employee. As we all know the presure young ladies face in the society about being single by 30years. Please respond with your candid advice. i will appreciate while i keep praying as most of you will end up saying to me. Thank you.

Stop fooling yourself. You need to snap out of the delusional reality you have created for yourself. You are not the Princess of Wales and your attitude sucks, if you were all that great and decent, you wont be in the situation you are presently in. That is the truth. Beautiful women always have enough pool of men to choose from by the time they are 22. You are 30, stuck with this guy for a reason. Unfortunately this is the only guy willing to put up with you attitude, it is time you put out or shut up. You have ghetto mentality, yet you want to be treated like some Arabian princess. It aint happening. You aint getting married to George Clooney or Dangote nor will you be spending your honeymoon in the Cayman Islands flown there on a GVI paid for by your rich Wall street private equity CEO with homes in Greenwich Connecticut. Not in this life. Atleast not without you having a major do over of your looks and attitude. Those people ( Clooney, Dangote and that private equity CEO guy) dont exist in real life, not to people like you. Sorry to be so blunt, but that is the truth. In this life, you are stuck with the type of people like your "boyfriend." There is little you can do about it. If you break up with him, the next person will be another "him," in a different form; maybe a little shorter, a little stingier, a little feistier, but, overall, just another clone of 'him.' You will be lucky if the 'new him' is anywhere as decent. In this type of situation, I always rely on Rene Decartes's third maxim: Endeavour always to conquer myself rather than fortune, and change my desires rather than the order of the world, and in general, accustom myself to the persuasion that, except our own thoughts, there is nothing absolutely in our power. That is, change your thoughts about this gentle man, change how you feel about him, and change your life for the better.

That said, I admire people who take chances because we all know that the grass is always greener, lusher and longer on the other side of the fence. What you may not realize is that you arent getting any younger; your looks arent getting more feminine; your ova arent getting more vibrant; and the societal pressure will only get worse.

@ Poster my advice is this know thyself. What A believes is not what B believes. You want a traditional man who will value you and understand his role as a provider in a marriage.You want a man you can look up to and respect. There is nothing wrong with all these infact this is how it should be.what is the point in being with a man you don't respect and cannot look up to? It is what YOU want that should guide your actions,not what any other person says because after all said and done na you go dey the marriage and if na mistake na you go carry your cross.So far I have not seen anything wrong with what you want from him.

Many women don't believe a man should pay for their salon hair but you do.Nothing wrong with that,this is one of the gestures you require from YOUR man. From what I can see you have been acting the typical Nigerian girl script hide your true self,lower your expectations and conform to what society expects from you all because of the phantom expiry date. The truth is you just want to marry and any man will do.Don't make that mistake.

Ok, lets be easy on bebe now, she might be 'traditional' but she's human and needs our love...pls.
@post
Seriously, i'm not sure she should marry the GIQ(guy in question). If she doesnt love or find him sexy after 3yrs- whether as friends or not- chances are that he doesnt find her so either( i mean, did he ever toast her or what?), he just might be in it for the comfort, so probably its her sixth sense kicking in here and churning out the excuses...

If you have all this doubt running in your head PLEASE DO NOT MARRY THIS MAN!!!

chaircover: Now I know why some of those master/slave stories and stories of abuse that sound so difficult to believe on this family section actually happen. Many women have sold their birthright for a measly 12 inches of fake tangled Brazilian hair or N500 MTN credit and then wonder why their boyfriends dont let them touch their phones, talk to them anyhow, slap them around and expect them at 9 months pregnant to be pounding yam.

One even came on NL and was asking what was more expensive to maintain? a girlfriend or a car. Imagine a man comparing a woman to a box of metal that depreciates with every passing second.

So these days Love=Paying for my hair at the salon abi. That is why many end up marrying criminals; cos all they care abut is the money.

we are so trying to get women to stand up for themselves; to be their own individual, to have self respect, use their education . . heck they even call us names such as the cabal and here we have women justifying the reasons why they expect a boyfriend to pick up their bills. One was even in shock that her sister was paying the school fees for her OWN child. . . .HER OWN CHILD O!!! SMH.

it's a culture clash!
a babe once told me she would find it difficult to marry a nigerian man that has never travelled out of nigeria because of the archaic and crude way they handle women. i think it's also the same with the men. its becoming increasingly difficult for me to even consider a naija babe with no exposure of how things should be done.

iragbijile:

Wow! That is so wrong, women should not be paying school fees for [size=18pt]their[/size] children. If the man cant do it, and the child is male, phock it, the child should foot his own tuition.




Abi oo. Prayer solves everything, especially when you dont want to end up paying your children's tuition.




It can also set you back a few change if you end up having to pitch in sometimes.

GBAM!! You really hit the nail right on the head here!

I tell you solemnly, women like this think nothing of the financial detriment of their family, as long as the unfortunate guy pays up, and continues to pay up even if she earns way more than him.

And you wonder why some guys are driven into armed robbery and 419??

iragbijile:


So 2k is your benchmark? Once you pass the 2k point by one naira, are you still stingy?


Coming from someone who finds it deplorable to pay her child's tuition, I think this is a lie. Next time come up with something better.

Love is all 'bout what you can get, isnt it?

Hell No. I'd rather have an oil-well winner, that beats 'bread winner' any day any time. I can be the bread winner.



Is your dad a p/i/m/p?

DAMN!! I really do love you

And I don't care if you're male or female!

BoboYekini: Ok, lets be easy on bebe now, she might be 'traditional' but she's human and needs our love...pls.
@post
Seriously, i'm not sure she should marry the GIQ(guy in question). If she doesnt love or find him sexy after 3yrs- whether as friends or not- chances are that he doesnt find her so either( i mean, did he ever toast her or what?), he just might be in it for the comfort, so probably its her sixth sense kicking in here and churning out the excuses...

No she doesn't.

What she needs are a couple of good hard knocks on her head.

Something that would change her mindset and instil basic common sense and a change of attitude. I would like to believe that her parents dad's money spent on her education was not in vain!

Efemena_xy: ^^ And what's wrong with the woman being the breadwinner footing majority of the bills if she can afford it?

Doing so won't make her any less of a woman, nor will it make him any less of a man either. If anything, such an act can only serve to motivate her man to work harder and strive for better things, as he would see her as his pillar of support. As long as she doesn't nag and belittle him about this, any normal man, with his head screwed on would love his wife even more for helping out when he was down.

Marriage in the true sense of the world is a partnership. Now that's my understanding of "for better, for worse..."

I choose to disagree with you, this is a man at 35 years old that is still staying with mummy and daddy, still eating mummy's food. He hasn't had the luxury of living on his own. This couple is engaged , they are no longer dating. Is there anything wrong in saying we are going to meet my people today, please take this money and do your hair nicely, its a different thing if she asks for money. There is nothing wrong with helping a man when he is down, if the man cannot give his fiancee a gift now is it when he has an oil company job he'll give her gifts, by then he'll be used to the status quo. As for the woman being the bread winner, the man is working the can always cut down their expenses to what the man thinks he can afford comfortably, with the remainder of the woman's salary being saved towards a rainy day.

coogar:

lmao @ this is africa
when the men treat you like african women should be treated, why do you then compare yourselves to women of the developed nations and start screaming marital abuse and infidelity?

I guess Ʊ av A̶̲̥̅̊ prob wit ur sight, if not, I wonder y Ʊ wud respond to my post when it was specifically meant for sisi_kills, wonder what type of person Ʊ are, in africa, we can someone like you amebo, aproko,
Abeg, make some people just keep quiet here jare, make I hear word.. Some believe NL is where they come to act scripts or something, dey say A̶̲̥̅̊ totally different thing from what they will do, haba, hypocrites.

Some peeps make it look as if marital abuse and infidelity do not happen in developed nations, abegi, which part of the developed nation do Ʊ live sef,

Proud to be an african woman and love being dat

The mentality and manner of expression of lazy, irresponsible and poor men dey different sha, dey complain about everything, haba, can see so many of dem on dis forum

@op, if Ʊ marry A̶̲̥̅̊ man with A̶̲̥̅̊ poor mans' mentality, huh.

coogar:

it's a culture clash!
a babe once told me she would find it difficult to marry a nigerian man that has never travelled out of nigeria because of the archaic and crude way they handle women. i think it's also the same with the men. its becoming increasingly difficult for me to even consider a naija babe with no exposure of how things should be done.

if that is how yo measure archaic-ness, then I am afraid you are in for a shocker.

There are Nigerians, living right here in America,Some even schooled here, who are just as archaic as those who have never left Nigeria. They are just as abusive and irrational as those back in Nigeria.