maxpro-xl:
Dear Poster, don't be discouraged by some comments on this thread but l will be very frank with you as an adult since u claim to be 30yrs. Please read every word carefully.

To start with pls u av to change your traditional mindset. its a stronghold u need to be delivered from. Culture and tradition will ruin any marraige. Your foundation should be based on biblical truths if u're a xtian so go for marital counselling in a good church. Am sure your parents and tribe contributed to this your traditional mindset because most of us pick up such attitudes mostly from our mothers.

As u said uv been friends with this man for 3yrs with no intimacy. The truth is no healthy man can do without sex for 3yrs so your "friend" is definately doing it with someone and respects u for not asking for it since. However don't let that discourage u because as u noted u were just friends until he proposed and u accepted.

For the man to plan to meet your parents, l think he really loves u. Nothing is wrong with being single at 35 and stayin with his mum as long as he is working and independent. If he was married and stayin with his mum, then it is a bad thing. Most parents don't want their kids leave the house until they get married to avoid being distracted. I av a cousin that moved from his parents house to his own 5bedroom duplex and he is 32yrs and still single. His mum adviced him not to waste over N1.2m renting a 3bedrm flat so he got a land and started buiding gradually.

You claim to be a financially bouyant working class lady so why worry about gifts or hair funds. Those are petty things u should care less about. You said u like him but not crazy or attracted to him. Its simply because the relationship is static and not funfilled.

Follow this simple therapy:
1.create more time for yourself and go out every weekend together consistently for 3months. Sacrifice and pay the bill first and u will be suprised that he will also pay the bill the following week.

2.Visit different cinemas, attend comedy shows, swim together, visit the beach and if you're in lagos go to "lacampagne tropicana" or "whispering palm" and have long chats about the future.

3.Have a horse and boat ride together, Kiss each other and cuddle lightly to avoid sex o(uv abstained for 3yrs so its worth waiting for).

4.Buy him gifts like a boxers, roll-on, perfume, hair & body cream, socks, ties, towel, sponge, soap, toothbrush, singlets etc. Things u know he needs daily(don't av to be too expensive). He will love u more and you will see him change gradually and see yourself loving him.

This 3months therapy works like magic. My sister love is sweet o but it takes time. Please loosing up yourself and don't get obssessed with your job and financial status. Am a man and we all want a humble, caring and supportive spouse. Life is beautiful so please don't stress yourself with worry and depression.

You can't blame this guy for not showerin u with gifts or giving u hair money(without u asking), its because of your status. If u were a student or not bouyant. Am sure he would respond to your basic needs.

in a nut-shell, here are some tips that may help u grow in love and enjoy your relationship.

1. Pray and commit your ways to God.to get d best out of any relationshp, uv got to be ready to adjust: no human is perfect, u're not just d flexible type. u sound so rigid. if u intend to get married(like your friends) and av kids soon, u av to bring down your ego and change your attitude

2. u dont fall in love, instead u grow in luv and luv takes time. Its like planting a seed and nurturing it to maturity till it bears fruits: Relationships are crucial to succeedin in life. we all cant do without it. Life could be frustratin without it.

3. men are logical and women are emotional in their response to issues: u need to learn to love and trust your man. dat doesnt mean u play d fool but being strategic and reasonable.its better u don't loose this relationship as your man seems focused and purpose driven(for planning to meet your parents).

4. what is required for any relationship(even marraige) to succeed is endurance and tolerance. however relationships are not to be endured but to be enjoyed. in real endurance, u're hoping to stay together to work things out. however tolerance may lead to trauma if your partner doesnt change. so uv got to strike a balance

5. try and adjust and lower your standards. take someone like me, a working graduate dating a final year student who I intend to marry next year. had to lower my standards and adjust despite all d visible differences. age, status, background, mentality, maturity etc.

av got a lot to say but av to devote time to other things.send me a mail and tell me more about yourself and relationship. phloxzone@yahoo.com. will recommend a particular book that will help u discover yourself and rekindle your love life.

In conclusion there is no perfect man o so stop wishing for one fairy tale husband. think positive and change your mindset. You will excel and succeed & your best will become better this year in jesus name. AMEN

I made the same comment and Drzed hounded me. I thought that I'm the odd one out.

pls go n read bks abt true luv. urs is wat i cal 'materialistic luv'.it shows u can only luv a man richer dn u,does money money rily dictates 'crazy luv levels?'
i bet u may nt b a submisv wife,4 God's sake u're nt yet married,y try burden him wt responsbts.his fin status n non lavish nature reduces ur luv 2 'nt crazy abt him' tin.
u didnt tel us his gud side suitbl 4 marrge,i'll advc u go 4 marrge counseling,al dis u've listed wud only delay ur settln dwn.
dnt base ur hapines on materia tins,get mature.PC

Sisi_Kill:
Hiya Steph,
Please May I trouble you for 5mins? Can you go through the posts again and mention the names of the women. . .married, single, married but single (hey it can happen ) who have said collecting gifts from a guy is a crime. If you can quote the posts too, that would help tremendously. Thanks!!

I'm not even gonna bother addressing the guys who have taken CC and I to task for saying a woman shouldn't rely on a guy for financial support. We know your type naa, you are the sort who use money to control women. How can you show you are "Da Man" if she isn't running to you for money to wash her hair or money for soap to buy the pant she begged you to buy for her. How can you punish her for whatever crime you think she has committed if you aren't able to tell her the ATM is closed for now because of her bad behavior. Nope, I am not gonna address these men.

With the women however is where my concern lays. Everyday we get stories about boyfriend beating their girls up, treating them like crap, just basically having no respect for them and when we ask. . .why can't you leave? More often than not, the reason is always based on FINANCES. He is the one paying my school fees, he is the one paying my rent, he is the one taking care of my siblings. My goodness ladies, how can you let yourself be held to ransom like that? How do you sleep at night knowing what happens tomorrow is at the mercy of another person? That if the guy wakes up one morning and says. . .Asta la vista baby, that is it for you? How?!!!

I honestly don't get that mentality and no matter how much you (the ladies) insult me. . . I will never think it is right to be financially dependent on a guy.

PS
I don't know how much clearer we can about the distinction between FINANCIAL SUPPORT and GIFTS.

Ovularia: Ex Governor Abubakar Audu Renders Wife And Kids Homeless In Sub-zero Temperature

Written by Huhu Online

Tuesday, 14 December 2010 18:24

Former First lady Rendered Homeless in Potomac, MD.
This saga echoes a scene from a Nigerian home video, except that it is real. Imagine going from first lady, with all the largesse, to homeless, where you now have to depend on government assistance to survive in a foreign land. It is sad tale, but is the fate of Mrs. Aisha Abubakar Audu, former first lady of Kogi state.

Thursday, lawyers to Prince Abubakar Audu, who has been on a warpath with his wife, Aisha, showed up at their holiday home in Potomac, Maryland and evicted Mrs. Aisha Audu and her three young children from their home.

In the words of the former first lady, "Prince Abubakar Audu owns houses in this town but could not provide a place for us to stay. Instead, he has evicted us from a home we have known for 10 years".

“We were thrown outside at a temperature of less than 30 degrees, while he waited around town to be handed the keys to his company home. He has claimed victory over his wife and children to vacate his home".

“He acted shamelessly and like we are NOBODY!”

“We are now homeless but have been provided temporary accommodation by the USA Human and Health Services, under the abused persons programs, where I and the kids have been attending therapy since this ordeal started".

"They have also provided school for the kids. The neighbors provided immediate help to cushions our plight before we were taken to a shelter as we were not allowed to take anything from the house”.

“Audu has a second house used as a guest house when he is in USA, It is located at 3928 Highwood Ct, there is another apartment which is not currently on rent (managed by his son, Bashir Audu, a student) at Unit N6F 1155 23rd street and unit N6M 1155 23rd street and Unit-PH3 1111 23rd street, all in NW Washington DC under the sham names of Goldwindow, Mercury Belside & Sunshine llc which he solely owns and operate”.

“He could give instructions to allow any member of his family use especially as he had locked us out in Abuja too leaving us with nowhere to go even if we were to return to Nigeria”.

“He also has refused even through his divorce attorney to accept temporary relief for the kids, claiming he is not agreeing to divorce me and has not been properly served”.

“Meanwhile all my personal belongings including that of the children has been confisticated by him in our home in the villa in Abuja, Jos, Kaduna, Lokoja, Alloma, Ogbonicha and London. We cannot get into any of these houses without his instruction to caretakers, police and guards and that was the only reason we came to the USA home believing that he will come to his senses eventually if I just hanged on a bit, but now it is obviously clear that my life has been in danger all along and it has all been a setup”.

“Before moving to our home in the USA which we had always used as a family for over 10 years without any approval from his sham company, eminent personalities like the Ohinohi of Ibira land, HRH Alhaji Ado Ibrahim, former Chief of Defence Staff, Rear Adimiral Ibrahim Ogohi, former Minister of Defence, Alhaji Kwankwaso, former Governor of Sokoto state, Alhaji Atahiru Banfarawa including family members, all got involved to talk to him to act responsibly and follow the Islamic rites instead of the ritual oath on his father's grave, based on allegation by his 35 year old daughter, Meimuna of my plot to poison her father (Audu)”.

“They solicited that he should make amends to the developing situation and where a divorce is the ultimate; he should do it properly instead of locking us out of the house without adequate provision”. “But he was adamant and will not listen or even agree to pay the children’s school fees towards the next school session so that that the kids could continue with their school at the America International School, Abuja”.


http://www.nigeriavillagesquare.com/articles/nvs/ex-governor-abubakar-audu-renders-wife-and-kids-homeless-in-sub-zero-temperature.html

www.nairaland.com/attachments/363701_aisha_11_png680fc867604d4eb58cbef71797f29528 www.nairaland.com/attachments/363694_aisha_12_png88f4d8e4734c6faf591f53277ed0b9ba

I feel so pleased reading some comments by some well trained & well-cultured ladies in here...makes me happy, seems the positive change in mariage & relationship is coming to Nigeria together with electricity supply improvement...wow! Its so absurd that a lady is working, comfortable, & in a relationship & still expects her man to be buying her everything- see ladies, pls stop being fooled by NOLLYWOOD & HOLLYWOOD, those things are fiction & never real life. Be careful so you don't ruin your healthy relationships as a result of greed & comparison with how Bob treats his girlfriend Anne, or becos Tina your friend or Angela your colleague tells you that her fiancee buys her everything including a car & u think theirs is the best & start to see yours as a worhtless man...BIG MISTAKE SIS! Monetary gifts & all shouldn't be your focus when in a relationship if you truly want a healthy, loving & lasting relationship, but if you want a fling, then keep looking for that. Guys of nowadays have come to believe that what Nigerian girls care about most in a man is MONEY, so most are ready to deny you monetary benefits during dating or courtship, if they are considering you for marriage, just to test your personality & attitude towards money & to see if your different from the crowd of money-mongers we have today as Nigerian girls. The only issue I see here is you not being romantically, sexually & emotionally attracted to him after a period of 3 years even though its just friendship, that alone is a NO GO to me. You should be attracted to your hubby to be wholeheartedly, no two ways about it. You being an oil co. worker blah, blah, blah, has nothing to do with relationship or marriage, men don't care about it, thats why even a man who happens to be a president wouldn't mind marrying a poor girl selling moi-moi so long as he likes & cherishes her...but women will always bring in their financial status when considering a partner for a date or relationship, which clearly shows that nature doesn't Support women having much money, but the world has changed things & which is why we have lots of marital & relationship issues in the world over today. shine yours eyes, pray & shun greed, goodluck!

If u re not crazyly in lov wit him, I advice u pray to God to giv u ur own better half, becos Love is the ultimate tin, if u truly lov him, u won't see any fault in him. If my man ll not go out of his way to make me happy @ least giving me gift as litle as watever u cn think of,he doesn't lov me. Gifts n money frm Men in any relationship matter a lot, becos it has bn so frm creation.

oyb:

www.nairaland.com/attachments/363701_aisha_11_png680fc867604d4eb58cbef71797f29528 www.nairaland.com/attachments/363694_aisha_12_png88f4d8e4734c6faf591f53277ed0b9ba

Lawd have mercy!

And I take it she's not the first wife, neither was she in any gainful employment?

Every comment of hers was: "His houses, his businesses, his responsibilities to pay the kids fees, his this...his that...."

So what did this woman bring / contribute to the marriage?

Efemena_xy:

Lawd have mercy!

And I take it she's not the first wife, neither was she in any gainful employment?

Every comment of hers was: "His houses, his businesses, his responsibilities to pay the kids fees, his this...his that...."

So what did this woman bring / contribute to the marriage?

she wanted the life of an african wife so she got treated like one! for all you know, this woman could be well educated up to university level but she preferred handouts from her husband instead of working and making her own income! all her life she had no savings, no properties, no automobiles......it serves her right!

this is a big lesson for all naija women looking for cash cows to pay their life bills. the husband who loves today might hate tomorrow and when that happens, what are the wives going to fall back on? the mind boggles.....

Thank God u are reconsidering cos decisions like these are some of the reasons we get the "depressed & married" threads on NL.

shilling: Thank God u are reconsidering cos decisions like these are some of the reasons we get the "depressed & married" threads on NL.

Imagine the number of "depressed & married" cases out there that are not on Nairaland. I know a couple of those people myself.

Like someone said, no be by force to get married. I know in Africa, we pretend that the divorce rate is low, even though the number of abandoned marriages are so high . . . even a State like Kaduna decided to help find spouses for people in this case, among others. Unless you want to be counted in that statistics, @Poster, I suggest you look now to undoing what you have done wrong.Not only for the guy's sake, but also for yours.

OAM4J:

I can also assure you that if she also drop her email and phone number here, more than 1000 mails, calls and txt msgs will roll in before the end of the day from guys promising her heaven and earth to be her husband.

The problem with both of them is not about finding "toasters", it is about finding their soul-mates.

Arent we all?

CyberG: I can't say a lot more than some very thoughtful people have elucidated in their posts. Poster, you better leave that man and not make his life miserable since you already wasted your time to 30 years and still in this self-imposed quandary. But you know you will lose biiiiggggg time and foolish women who watch too much TV, too silly to think leave the men that are imperfect but love them to wanna marry them for the big shot they fantasized about who will treat them like crap after marriage. Be ready to cook your own meals at 9 months pregnancy, clean the house with no appreciation from your phantom big shot husband! Better not complain 'cos he will just dash you two heavy slaps which you will have no logic or oil company salary to explain because you know why? Your stupid self have a chance to not create a problem you will spend several years praying useless prayers about a marriage that was not founded on any serious iota of love but on 2K (< $15) worth of hair do!

I sincerely hope you read †ђξ op's post before comenting, if not pls try and read it or if you didn't comprehend ask those that understood †̥☹ explain †̥☹ you what †ђξ op was talking about before commenting, thanks and pls no hard feeling.

Efemena_xy:

Lawd have mercy!

And I take it she's not the first wife, neither was she in any gainful employment?

Every comment of hers was: "His houses, his businesses, his responsibilities to pay the kids fees, his this...his that...."

So what did this woman bring / contribute to the marriage?

Serves her right. She has married the Traditional African husband they all desire and she has been treated like the Traditional African wife. maybe that night she would sleep in the house of her friends who have and share responsibilities with their average husbands

www.nairaland.com/attachments/363694_aisha_12_png88f4d8e4734c6faf591f53277ed0b9ba

www.nairaland.com/attachments/363701_aisha_11_png680fc867604d4eb58cbef71797f29528

Don't bother marrying him, u already don't want to. . . Stop urself from cheating on him in future

dayokanu:

Serves her right. She has married the Traditional African husband they all desire and she has been treated like the Traditional African wife. maybe that night she would sleep in the house of her friends who have and share responsibilities with their average husbands

www.nairaland.com/attachments/363694_aisha_12_png88f4d8e4734c6faf591f53277ed0b9ba

www.nairaland.com/attachments/363701_aisha_11_png680fc867604d4eb58cbef71797f29528

What made it even more difficult to sympathize with this woman's case when it happened WAS that the man had already "abandoned" her and her children long before this finally happened. If she had been wiser, she should have gone to the courts to divorce him or something and demand that she get some of his loot. But I am guessing like so many women out there, she must have thought that it was better to be "abandoned" than divorced. That is a lie and people, especially women need to realize this and pay attention.

Also, she lives in the US. Why in the world did she not get herself something doing when it all started?

mirob:

I sincerely hope you read †ђξ op's post before comenting, if not pls try and read it or if you didn't comprehend ask those that understood †̥☹ explain †̥☹ you what †ђξ op was talking about before commenting, thanks and pls no hard feeling.

Madam, no hard feelings really but you should see that my post is also projecting what can happen in this kind of marriage, if it happens. What I mentioned in my post is VERY similar to the experience of a lady who married a man when there were known issues before the marriage. If you were aware of this post, you will immediately see the connection. Some of us are quite avid readers.

coogar:

she wanted the life of an african wife so she got treated like one! for all you know, this woman could be well educated up to university level but she preferred handouts from her husband instead of working and making her own income! all her life she had no savings, no properties, no automobiles......it serves her right!

this is a big lesson for all naija women looking for cash cows to pay their life bills. the husband who loves today might hate tomorrow and when that happens, what are the wives going to fall back on? the mind boggles.....

And that is so true.

I sincerely hope this lady's predicament would serve as a lesson to those who think love = materialism + "forcefully demanded" gifts.

dayokanu:

Serves her right. She has married the Traditional African husband they all desire and she has been treated like the Traditional African wife. maybe that night she would sleep in the house of her friends who have and share responsibilities with their average husbands

Hear, hear!

You know what? It's the kids I pity. They don't deserve this but then again, when parents fall out, it's the poor kids who suffer the most.

I bet those boys are going to grow up bitter with little or no regard for females. The cycle continues.

Kobojunkie:

What made it even more difficult to sympathize with this woman's case when it happened WAS that the man had already "abandoned" her and her children long before this finally happened. If she had been wiser, she should have gone to the courts to divorce him or something and demand that she get some of his loot. But I am guessing like so many women out there, she must have thought that it was better to be "abandoned" than divorced. That is a lie and people, especially women need to realize this and pay attention.

Also, she lives in the US. Why in the world did she not get herself something doing when it all started?

So she was abandoned, but yet forcefully installed herself in "his" home? Unbelievable.

@poster, I understand what your fears are, some are getting the 'salon'funds wrongly, am an african woman, I honestly expect my man to treat me this way, I could even spend more money on him, but he should show signs of been sensitive to my needs, that is being responsible to me. But its not a deciding factor, just let him know your values. As for not being in love with him, I will advise you bUy more time and get closer to him and find out if you will eventually love him, only then, you will marry him, else, free him, you might end up hurting him badly. But you need time before you decide.

dayokanu:

Serves her right. She has married the Traditional African husband they all desire and she has been treated like the Traditional African wife. maybe that night she would sleep in the house of her friends who have and share responsibilities with their average husbands

www.nairaland.com/attachments/363694_aisha_12_png88f4d8e4734c6faf591f53277ed0b9ba

www.nairaland.com/attachments/363701_aisha_11_png680fc867604d4eb58cbef71797f29528

Of course, the word traditional is only to be despised when it comes to the man's role as provider, not so? When it comes to assigning household duties to the woman it is the best word ever created? You all are seriously funny. Hypocrites!

ileobatojo:

Of course, the word traditional is only to be despised when it comes to the man's role as provider, not so? When it comes to assigning household duties to the woman it is the best word ever created? You all are seriously funny. Hypocrites!

household duties are a 2-way street. the washing, cooking and cleaning are female duties. the carrying of heavy materials, electrical installations/maintenance and other physically tasking chores are masculine duties. while my wife is doing the dishes, i am at the back mowing the garden or replacing her flat tyre.....

@OP

If "your" man starts earning twice as much as you do, will you start loving him?

coogar:

household duties are a 2-way street. the washing, cooking and cleaning are female duties. the carrying of heavy materials, electrical installations/maintenance and other physically tasking chores are masculine duties. while my wife is doing the dishes, i am at the back mowing the garden or replacing her flat tyre.....

I mowed our back and front gardens 2 weeks ago!

Well actually, I asked hubby to show me how to do it, then wrestled the mower from him jor!

Did most of the gardens my self in a pair of "hot pants" and (his) black boots!

Efemena_xy:

I mowed our back and front gardens 2 weeks ago!

Well actually, I asked hubby to show me how to do it, then wrestled the mower from him jor!

Did most of the gardens my self in a pair of "hot pants" and (his) black boots!

wellington boots, i guess

Nope.

T'was La Redoute Men's Leather Army Boots.

ileobatojo:

Of course, the word traditional is only to be despised when it comes to the man's role as provider, not so? When it comes to assigning household duties to the woman it is the best word ever created? You all are seriously funny. Hypocrites!

When you have heavy lifting to do in the house, your car have faults, there is a noise downstairs at night, there is an electrical fault

Who is the first person they would call? The wife or the husband? or when the roof is leaking is it the wife that climbs the ladder and fixes it?

Read the below blog

http://jadoreafrika.tumblr.com/post/27375751865/medieval-times

ileobatojo:

Of course, the word traditional is only to be despised when it comes to the man's role as provider, not so? When it comes to assigning household duties to the woman it is the best word ever created? You all are seriously funny. Hypocrites!

Smh

bebe4u: My virtual friends, i am posting this because i ant to share the burden i have in my life right now and i seek for honest answer and advice in which ever way. please keep it polite anyone could be in a similar situation and we could all learn from it at the end of the day.

I am 30years of age female working in the oil & gas sector and very comfortable financially. How ever i have been in a platonic relationship with a guy who is currently working in a bank but i am better off financially. He never hid his intention that he loves me and would want to take things to the next level but i have always maintain my stand of us not rushing things while trying to sort out my real feelings for him. He asked me to marry him recently and i accepted. The burden i have in my heart now is 1- I am not in love with him and also not sexually attracted to him. By that i mean im not crazily in love but i like him as a friend. 2- I have concerns about our financial obligation in the sense that i fear he might not provide for me the way a husband should for is wife. i am a traditional person where i believe a man should always provide for his wife no matter how small, im willing to support him but through the three years we have been friends [size=14pt]he hasnt provided in the least of money for my salon session[/size]. i feel he is just taking advantage of the fact that i can afford it, so i feel differently. He currently lives with his family and younger brother. i talked to him one day and said he should get a house of his own but till date he hasnt and havent made any real effort at that yet he talks about facilitating meeting my parents et al. Question is what are the pros and cons of going ahead to marry this young man or should i just call it off as i have been tempted to several times. BTW he is 35yrs of age, has been working in the bank for 6 yrs as an employee. As we all know the presure young ladies face in the society about being single by 30years. Please respond with your candid advice. i will appreciate while i keep praying as most of you will end up saying to me. Thank you.

What the heck is this?
Nigerian men are in big trouble

A man (platonic friend oh) must pay for your hair (even if you earn more than him) to prove he will be the type of husband to 'provide' for his wife.

Even the educated, 'very comfortable financially' ones are thinking this way - can you imagine how the gold diggers are thinking?

I pity single Nigerian men these days.

debosky:

A man (platonic friend oh) must pay for your hair (even if you earn more than him) to prove he will be the type of husband to 'provide' for his wife.

Even the educated, 'very comfortable financially' ones are thinking this way - can you imagine how the gold diggers are thinking?

I pity single Nigerian men these days.

Imagine . . .is this life?

Debosky, thank goodness your sister is available for eligible bachelors like me . . . otherwise I will not marry o.

After three years, do not force it.

@ chamo

My sisters are hooked. Ask Aunty chaircover whether her ill sis is still available.

If that fails, I know some nice Serbian chicks who are loving and not money hungry.

coogar:

household duties are a 2-way street. the washing, cooking and cleaning are female duties. the carrying of heavy materials, electrical installations/maintenance and other physically tasking chores are masculine duties. while my wife is doing the dishes, i am at the back mowing the garden or replacing her flat tyre.....

Of course you are; while she is cooking 3 square meals for the entire family and doing everyone's dishes and getting the kids ready, putting them to bed etc everyday, you are replacing her flat tyre that flattens everyday and mowing your garden grass that surely overgrows daily too! Good job!

debosky: @ chamo

My sisters are hooked. Ask Aunty chaircover whether her ill sis is still available.

If that fails, I know some nice Serbian chicks who are loving and not money hungry.

Yea, hooked to me. I don't want them all by the way, just one. I'm a 'one woman man'.
At least I'll be able to afford one salon session treatment per year.