iragbijile:

First I disagree with this line. We all arent created equal so some of us will never find ourselves in this kind of situation. This is your burden, that befell you because of your unique experience, luck, and background. You attracted it to yourself, so stop looking for pity from us. Grow up already!



Congrats!





So on one hand, you are still sorting things out in the emotional realm. On the other hand, he asked for your hand in marriage and you said NO? Well, I honestly believe NO is the right answer because only a weirdo would say YES in this type of situation. And I am sure you are not a weirdo. I mean, you dont sound like one. You are a sane, well educated, single lady in her 30s, confused and perhaps not that good looking, but traditional nevertheless. Traditional is good; just that it is relative and subjective.






What? When did you realize this? The first couple of times you met him or 789 days into the relationship?



What do you like about him? The fact that he is the only one who pays attention to you? Or the fact that he is the only one strong enough to put up with your ugly attitude?



Okay.




And what tradition tells you that the man must always provide for the woman? The man as the bread winner is a totally western idea that was planted in the psyche of us Africans by our colonial masters. At no point in the history of Africa was the man ever a bread winner. Hunter yes, bread winner, NO. Two different things. The agrarian family that pervaded the African society in the 'old' world was a unit of production that was bound to each other for economic survival; there were no 'traditional' bread winners, no separation of responsibilities. Both parties pitch in for the betterment of the household. An old Yoruba proverb goes: "Bokunrin rejo bobinrin pa a, kejo ma sa ti lo." Meaning, "If a man sees a snake and a woman kills it, what matters is the death of the snake." It doesnt matter who the bread winner is, what is important is that you two do not starve to death.




The only way to know for sure is for you to quit your job and be solely dependent on him.



Whats your point?



Stop fooling yourself. You need to snap out of the delusional reality you have created for yourself. You are not the Princess of Wales and your attitude sucks, if you were all that great and decent, you wont be in the situation you are presently in. That is the truth. Beautiful women always have enough pool of men to choose from by the time they are 22. You are 30, stuck with this guy for a reason. Unfortunately this is the only guy willing to put up with you attitude, it is time you put out or shut up. You have ghetto mentality, yet you want to be treated like some Arabian princess. It aint happening. You aint getting married to George Clooney or Dangote nor will you be spending your honeymoon in the Cayman Islands flown there on a GVI paid for by your rich Wall street private equity CEO with homes in Greenwich Connecticut. Not in this life. Atleast not without you having a major do over of your looks and attitude. Those people ( Clooney, Dangote and that private equity CEO guy) dont exist in real life, not to people like you. Sorry to be so blunt, but that is the truth. In this life, you are stuck with the type of people like your "boyfriend." There is little you can do about it. If you break up with him, the next person will be another "him," in a different form; maybe a little shorter, a little stingier, a little feistier, but, overall, just another clone of 'him.' You will be lucky if the 'new him' is anywhere as decent. In this type of situation, I always rely on Rene Decartes's third maxim: Endeavour always to conquer myself rather than fortune, and change my desires rather than the order of the world, and in general, accustom myself to the persuasion that, except our own thoughts, there is nothing absolutely in our power. That is, change your thoughts about this gentle man, change how you feel about him, and change your life for the better.

That said, I admire people who take chances because we all know that the grass is always greener, lusher and longer on the other side of the fence. What you may not realize is that you arent getting any younger; your looks arent getting more feminine; your ova arent getting more vibrant; and the societal pressure will only get worse.

+ 1000
Brilliant and raw advice you can ever get

so advice person again na be all dis? so advice person again na be all dis?

Poster must be working in palm oil and gas company,else how could she be this stingy?

2K. .

afrobaby: I laugh in yoruba while reading some of the responses here,pls let's b real. Like I always say, I will prefer to av 1000 broken relationships dan A̶̲̥̅̊ single broken marriage,it is really bad. First, I can't marry someone am not sexually attracted to, what, no electric current mere seeing him, haba I no fit, many divorces or extramarital affairs today ar as A̶̲̥̅̊ result of probs in se.x,take it or leave it.
Also,, at 30, yeah I understand,da pressure is dia, I know of A̶̲̥̅̊ lady whose dad told her that if she can't find A̶̲̥̅̊ hubby, maybe he shud talk to one of his friends to marry her, it can b dat bad but come to think of it,no one will live wit Ʊ,Ʊ will b in  marriage alone,so don't rush cos of ur age,pray for urs to come.
@sisi_kills, I stand to b corrected but I must tell Ʊ dat the moment A̶̲̥̅̊ man sees the qualities of A̶̲̥̅̊ wife he wants in Ʊ,he starts to see Ʊ as his responsibility. A̶̲̥̅̊ man who wants to marry Ʊ and Ʊ have never cooked for him once whether in his house or urs, everytime he says let's eat,Ʊ say let's go out and eat, what do Ʊ think the man would think,am I sure dis lady will make A̶̲̥̅̊ good wife, yet, we kknow wife is not just meant to b A̶̲̥̅̊ cook. Dia ar ways to test sense of responsibility in A̶̲̥̅̊ man/woman, while I was still dating my hubby, every month, he gives me A̶̲̥̅̊ certain amount of money to get anything for myself, ofcourse, he knows how much I collect as salry,he knows I don't even spend half of my salary in A̶̲̥̅̊ month but he showed me that while courting that he can provide for me in his own little way,dis is africa. And do Ʊ think I don't reciprocate too, I did, I made sure I got him boxers, singlet, powder etc, does things I know may easily skip his mind every month, dat is how I feel A̶̲̥̅̊ courtship, not boyfriend/girlfriend relationship should be..
@op, if Ʊ feel within ur heart that he may not b what Ʊ really want in A̶̲̥̅̊ man, pls let him go, urs will come o. God is never too late,just pray but pls bear in mind, dia is no perfect man outthere o, Ʊ make out the perfection in him.

I concur with you completely. There is nothing wrong in the poster saying the guy hadn't given her anything during the years they have known each other. Maybe the way she worded her statements gave her away as a materialistic person.

Dear poster, can I ask you this, have you ever given the guy something too? Or were you just waiting for him to make the move before doing same?

Also are your people disturbing you to bring a man home? If not, please take your time. My mom always tells me that marriage shouldn't be rushed into, that the test of a marriage is not for a day/week/month but years to come.

Don't you read stories online of what some go through in their marriage? Do you want same to happen to you? Don't allow people, media and society force you to do something you will later regret.

Being thirty(30) is not a crime. I know someone who is in his early thirties and his fiancee is just one years younger than him but he is not after the age and they met just last year. He has found someone that delights and complements him with so much wisdom and maturity; she is the woman with whom he is well pleased. The younger ladies he met didn't please him like the way this lady does and his family have welcomed this lady with open arms.

So I hope my story has cheered you up a bit. In my own opinion(though I stand corrected), when a man has searched and searched with the mentality that I must marry a younger lady with no pleasing result and he meets an older lady with good character, great personality and her maturity at handling issues is so pleasing to him, he will most definitely settle down with this kind of lady. At that stage of his life, age just becomes a number!

Wow! What an epistle I have written .

Kobojunkie: They say experience is the best teacher. @Poster, go right ahead. You already had the guts to agree to marry him, so why not go for it.

A good advice from your fellow lady who is talking from experience. There is nothing wrong with the guy. The only hang-up is that he lives with his parents. There is no serious misgivings that u had for this guy. I bet that you will be sexually attracted to this guy if he undergoes style makeover. Maybe he has a bland dressing style. You can help to groom him. Afterall we learn everyday. I bet that u will regret your indecision in few yrs time if u eventually take a bad decision. The problem with ladies is that they fails to recognise opportunity when they sees one.

From the little responses I have read I will like to conclude that 99% of the posters just tolled the "follow follow" line and as such went against the poster without readily understanding her.

I AM A MAN and will like to agree with the poster and disagree with her on some other aspect.

AGREE : even if the poster works or even prints money, there is absolutely nothing wrong in her man giving her a few bucks to visit the salan, get a manicure or even recharge her phone.

For crying out loud, we are talking of a "wife to be" here and not some chewing gum girl friend or a fling. 3years is way too damn long not to get a little treat from your friend (same or opposite sex) not to talk of a fiance.

Do most of us even reason one bit before commenting?

If the poster is saying the whole truth, I feel this man in question is just attaching himself 'cus he wants it to be in record he dating and possibly married a "big babe". My question to the poster is,

* Does he take you out for lunch, dinner, or event shows from time to time?

* Has he ever asked you for financial support either to dash or borrow him?

* Do you give him gift or treat which he readily accepts them and doesn't reciprocate?

Answering the above will give me a clearer picture of what kind of relationship you have.


DISAGREE : don't dream of dating not to talk of marriage because from your writeup, you are with him because of peer pressure and don't have an iota of love or attraction for him. If you do, you will only end up being more miserable than you ever expected.

A man can always find it easy to seperate or divorce you and get someone standby in no time he will marry. As for a lady every man will be too cautious to settle down with a divorcee as they will assume she was the cause of the breakup and will thread softly.

My little advice, it better late than never.....wait for someone you feel more comfortable with to come your way.

@op chill...are u sayin for 3 years,d guy neva chop punny ....and u expect him to drop money for salon .....anoda question; hw do u define s.e.xual attraction...especially,when u've nt taken his banana...abi auntie idowuogbo

I dont have time to say much.
1. dont go ahead if u dont love him
2.he is not ready to be a man. y is he in his YOUNGER brother's house after working for 6 yrs?
3.he is after your money, maybe partly
5. seek God's face
6.am single oil and gas worker

dear poster YOU HAVE SERIOUS issues!

first of all, your boyfriend proposes to you , you accept AND THEN you come asking if you should marry him, isnt that callous immaturity? why didnt you tell him to give you time to think about it& use that time to seek counsel? u have just portrayed urself as a foolish&unthinking woman who doesnt value her commitments

Secondly, you have no understanding of the role of money in relationships. Instead of being bothered that ur bf doesnt give u money for hair which u clearly DONT NEED, u should have been more concerned with how he spends his money. Does he still live @ home because hes the one paying the bills? is he frivolous or always in debt? is he financially savvy? those are the kinds of money questions a wife-to-be asks. Not he doesnt pay for my hair&makeup like a dumb teenager.

Thirdly, its obvious from ur post that u guys struggling in the comunication dept. all the answers u need can only be gotten from ur bf. Instead of talking openly&sincerely with him abt ur reservations, ure here on N/L displaying ur childishness. What kind of wife are u planning to be if u dont know how to get this man to talk with you abt important things?
babes grow up abeg. make friends with reponsible married women so u can be mentored. u might be 30 but darling u think like a 20 yr old school girl.

1. You dont love him.

2. You are not sexually attracted to him.


Then why on earth did you accept his proposal.

If you marry him now the odds are high that you will be single again within a few years, together with his child or childre.


Can you live with that? The choice is yours to make. Make it fast and live with it.

acidtalk: From the little responses I have read I will like to conclude that 99% of the posters just tolled the "follow follow" line and as such went against the poster without readily understanding her.

I AM A MAN and will like to agree with the poster and disagree with her on some other aspect.

AGREE : even if the poster works or even prints money, there is absolutely nothing wrong in her man giving her a few bucks to visit the salan, get a manicure or even recharge her phone.

For crying out loud, we are talking of a "wife to be" here and not some chewing gum girl friend or a fling. 3years is way too damn long not to get a little treat from your friend (same or opposite sex) not to talk of a fiance.

Do most of us even reason one bit before commenting?

If the poster is saying the whole truth, I feel this man in question is just attaching himself 'cus he wants it to be in record he dating and possibly married a "big babe". My question to the poster is,

* Does he take you out for lunch, dinner, or event shows from time to time?

* Has he ever asked you for financial support either to dash or borrow him?

* Do you give him gift or treat which he readily accepts them and doesn't reciprocate?

Answering the above will give me a clearer picture of what kind of relationship you have.


DISAGREE : don't dream of dating not to talk of marriage because from your writeup, you are with him because of peer pressure and don't have an iota of love or attraction for him. If you do, you will only end up being more miserable than you ever expected.

A man can always find it easy to seperate or divorce you and get someone standby in no time he will marry. As for a lady every man will be too cautious to settle down with a divorcee as they will assume she was the cause of the breakup and will thread softly.

My little advice, it better late than never.....wait for someone you feel more comfortable with to come your way.

thank you , I couldn't have said it better.I know a couple that have a little game of who can surprise each other the most with gifts, it adds spice to their marriage. Its sad some married women here are making it sound like a crime to exchange gifts with your husband to be .

Tope wealth: Bebe4u ,l feel ur pain; don't mind these who call u names, d guy is jst a stingy guy. Haba!
A workn class guy cn't give his girl 2k 4 hair ? I doubt if he cn buy her a gift worth 10k' .
I ve a sistr who dated a guy bck thn in 1996, who doesn't giv a dime while dating, she was workn then,so she didn't complain then, today they quarrel evryday 4 money. Infact she pay some of d childrn sch fees!
Pls, discuss it wit him, if he didn't change ,abeg look ahead jó!
Secondly, don't marry a guy u ar nt attractd to or dnt ve feelns 4, no mattr d pressure 4m ur parent or anyone, its wil result to frustratn@ d longrun and mayb divorce!
3dly, pray! Pray! Pray! So that u dn't marry d wrong person.
Marrying d wrng person cn alter one's destiny in life!
As a lady, b4 u say " I DO" checkout dz 3tins
* Love [ do u love each oda?
* Compatibility [ are u compatibility in many areas
* Responsibility [ does he knw his responsibility.
Sweetie, don't shut ur eyes to dz facts.
Lastly, look b4 u leap!
God bless u!
*

God bless you Tope,I guess many people are not seeing this issue from the op's point of view and I reiterate that the guy is just STINGY..Maybe the op didn't portray the situation well enough,didn't use the best example but we should still be able to read between the lines .


@op,did you say he still lives with his parents @35?
A broken relationship they say is better than a broken marriage and no doubt,love is what keeps two people afloat during a stormy marriage,don't settle down out of desperation and fear of societal stigma.

You sound like this relationship is a big burden to you. I have a problem with that. Again you DO NOT LOVE him! If the opposite was the case, I would have asked if you have discussed some of these issues with your spouse. I suggest you take a bit of time away from your spouse to think things through. If after that, you are convinced that you don't love him, do call off the relationship. Your happiness depends on no living person but you. Make the right choice and never get married because you are expected to and remain WED-LOCKED for life!

I knw many couples where the wife is richer than the husband and nobody knows and she doesn't lord it over him and they enjoy a good marriage...Op, really what is ur problem? Is it that u're not attracted to or love this man or u see that u won't get the society weddin u dream of...Or is it that u're jst plain GREEDY.... This guy works and is not unemployed...is he a liability to u? Why do u want to be a liability to him...He apparently knws u earn more than him...U probably even drive a better car than he does....Op I think at 30 u still need a lot of growin up to do. Get real...My ex got married to a very old rich guy becos of her GREED and now she is not happy...Is that what u want? A marriage u don't enjoy...but u jst tolerate. Nobody knows tomorrow and this guy my eventually become wealthier than u in the future...My father used to be the one that buys vehicles for my mum in the past..The Jeep my dad drives in now was bought by my mum cos my mum now has a successful business.... yet nobody knws this...Marriage is a COOPERATIVE thing. Left to me u deserve God's forgiveness...for wasting his TIME for three years...And finally IMO no girl in this world is my responsibility till I put a ring on it in a church.

iragbijile:

First I disagree with this line. We all arent created equal so some of us will never find ourselves in this kind of situation. This is your burden, that befell you because of your unique experience, luck, and background. You attracted it to yourself, so stop looking for pity from us. Grow up already!



Congrats!





So on one hand, you are still sorting things out in the emotional realm. On the other hand, he asked for your hand in marriage and you said NO? Well, I honestly believe NO is the right answer because only a weirdo would say YES in this type of situation. And I am sure you are not a weirdo. I mean, you dont sound like one. You are a sane, well educated, single lady in her 30s, confused and perhaps not that good looking, but traditional nevertheless. Traditional is good; just that it is relative and subjective.






What? When did you realize this? The first couple of times you met him or 789 days into the relationship?



What do you like about him? The fact that he is the only one who pays attention to you? Or the fact that he is the only one strong enough to put up with your ugly attitude?



Okay.




And what tradition tells you that the man must always provide for the woman? The man as the bread winner is a totally western idea that was planted in the psyche of us Africans by our colonial masters. At no point in the history of Africa was the man ever a bread winner. Hunter yes, bread winner, NO. Two different things. The agrarian family that pervaded the African society in the 'old' world was a unit of production that was bound to each other for economic survival; there were no 'traditional' bread winners, no separation of responsibilities. Both parties pitch in for the betterment of the household. An old Yoruba proverb goes: "Bokunrin rejo bobinrin pa a, kejo ma sa ti lo." Meaning, "If a man sees a snake and a woman kills it, what matters is the death of the snake." It doesnt matter who the bread winner is, what is important is that you two do not starve to death.




The only way to know for sure is for you to quit your job and be solely dependent on him.



Whats your point?



Stop fooling yourself. You need to snap out of the delusional reality you have created for yourself. You are not the Princess of Wales and your attitude sucks, if you were all that great and decent, you wont be in the situation you are presently in. That is the truth. Beautiful women always have enough pool of men to choose from by the time they are 22. You are 30, stuck with this guy for a reason. Unfortunately this is the only guy willing to put up with you attitude, it is time you put out or shut up. You have ghetto mentality, yet you want to be treated like some Arabian princess. It aint happening. You aint getting married to George Clooney or Dangote nor will you be spending your honeymoon in the Cayman Islands flown there on a GVI paid for by your rich Wall street private equity CEO with homes in Greenwich Connecticut. Not in this life. Atleast not without you having a major do over of your looks and attitude. Those people ( Clooney, Dangote and that private equity CEO guy) dont exist in real life, not to people like you. Sorry to be so blunt, but that is the truth. In this life, you are stuck with the type of people like your "boyfriend." There is little you can do about it. If you break up with him, the next person will be another "him," in a different form; maybe a little shorter, a little stingier, a little feistier, but, overall, just another clone of 'him.' You will be lucky if the 'new him' is anywhere as decent. In this type of situation, I always rely on Rene Decartes's third maxim: Endeavour always to conquer myself rather than fortune, and change my desires rather than the order of the world, and in general, accustom myself to the persuasion that, except our own thoughts, there is nothing absolutely in our power. That is, change your thoughts about this gentle man, change how you feel about him, and change your life for the better.

That said, I admire people who take chances because we all know that the grass is always greener, lusher and longer on the other side of the fence. What you may not realize is that you arent getting any younger; your looks arent getting more feminine; your ova arent getting more vibrant; and the societal pressure will only get worse.

Fstranger classics!

I gave u one like sha.

You always make sense in a very funny way. Your combination of words to paint near-perfect pictures of situation is amazing.

Op, safe yourself a lifetime of regret and move on now oo,

Efemena pls keep shut if u ve nothin reasonable to say...how can you encourage a man to allow his wife be the breadwinner?besides,we don't even know the motive of the poster's fiance.Most guys r just too lazy,they look for already made women to carry their burdens.This guy doesn't even have an apartment of his own so what are u yackin?

It is better so that you will not end up in a mental home for your insanity.

May God who made we so well never let me be crazy about anyone or anything.
I need my sanity 100%.

chaircover: Short answer = [size=18pt]NO[/size]

why because you are focusing on the trivial things such as salon money rather than his character. Is he hardworking? Is he reliable? Is he caring? does he love you? Is he a man of integrity? Does he communicate well? How does he treat you? and a whole heap of other things that make up a person, not just common 2k saloon money.

Do you know that it is easier to make money than it is to change your character?

Anyway, you dont love him or find him sexually attractive so your marriage is going to be a struggle from day one.

Please free the guy and let him find someone who will love and appreciate him for the little that he has/is/can give. quick question though apart from your super duper mega fantastic salary that you are bringing in from your oil and gas job, what else do you bring to the table?

You are right though; keep on praying for the one that will have pass marks in all your marriage criteria boxes. He is out there somewhere. . . . just be patient you hear.

tripple like for dis post

@op,please marry that guy.you may not see anada decent guy again.mbok use this opportunity.love grows

bebe4u: My virtual friends, i am posting this because i ant to share the burden i have in my life right now and i seek for honest answer and advice in which ever way. please keep it polite anyone could be in a similar situation and we could all learn from it at the end of the day.

I am 30years of age female working in the oil & gas sector and very comfortable financially. How ever i have been in a platonic relationship with a guy who is currently working in a bank but i am better off financially. He never hid his intention that he loves me and would want to take things to the next level but i have always maintain my stand of us not rushing things while trying to sort out my real feelings for him. He asked me to marry him recently and i accepted. The burden i have in my heart now is 1- I am not in love with him and also not sexually attracted to him. By that i mean im not crazily in love but i like him as a friend. 2- I have concerns about our financial obligation in the sense that i fear he might not provide for me the way a husband should for is wife. i am a traditional person where i believe a man should always provide for his wife no matter how small, im willing to support him but through the three years we have been friends he hasnt provided in the least of money for my salon session. i feel he is just taking advantage of the fact that i can afford it, so i feel differently. He currently lives with his family and younger brother. i talked to him one day and said he should get a house of his own but till date he hasnt and havent made any real effort at that yet he talks about facilitating meeting my parents et al. Question is what are the pros and cons of going ahead to marry this young man or should i just call it off as i have been tempted to several times. BTW he is 35yrs of age, has been working in the bank for 6 yrs as an employee. As we all know the presure young ladies face in the society about being single by 30years. Please respond with your candid advice. i will appreciate while i keep praying as most of you will end up saying to me. Thank you.

THIS IS THE BEST ADVICE YOU WILL EVER GET, THE ONLY WAY TO MAINTAIN SANITY IN THIS WORLD IS TO MARRY THE PERSON WHOM YOU ARE NOT TOO ATTRACTED TO. THE BENEFITS FAR OUTWEIGH THE NEGATIVE. YOU WILL ALWAYS BE IN CONTROL OF YOURSELF AND YOUR EMOTIONS AND YOUR SANITY IF YOU DO. YOU MARRY SOMEONE YOU ARE CRAZY OVER ? THATS A SURE ROAD TO HELL AND STRESS AND WAHALA AND GETTING OLD FAST.

This lady must be out of her mind. In a relationship, it is the richer person who looks after the poorer one. So it is the lady who should be spending her money for the guy because she earns more money.

acidtalk: From the little responses I have read I will like to conclude that 99% of the posters just tolled the "follow follow" line and as such went against the poster without readily understanding her.

I AM A MAN and will like to agree with the poster and disagree with her on some other aspect.

AGREE : even if the poster works or even prints money, there is absolutely nothing wrong in her man giving her a few bucks to visit the salan, get a manicure or even recharge her phone.

For crying out loud, we are talking of a "wife to be" here and not some chewing gum girl friend or a fling. 3years is way too damn long not to get a little treat from your friend (same or opposite sex) not to talk of a fiance.

Do most of us even reason one bit before commenting?

If the poster is saying the whole truth, I feel this man in question is just attaching himself 'cus he wants it to be in record he dating and possibly married a "big babe". My question to the poster is,

* Does he take you out for lunch, dinner, or event shows from time to time?

* Has he ever asked you for financial support either to dash or borrow him?

* Do you give him gift or treat which he readily accepts them and doesn't reciprocate?

Answering the above will give me a clearer picture of what kind of relationship you have.


DISAGREE : don't dream of dating not to talk of marriage because from your writeup, you are with him because of peer pressure and don't have an iota of love or attraction for him. If you do, you will only end up being more miserable than you ever expected.

A man can always find it easy to seperate or divorce you and get someone standby in no time he will marry. As for a lady every man will be too cautious to settle down with a divorcee as they will assume she was the cause of the breakup and will thread softly.

My little advice, it better late than never.....wait for someone you feel more comfortable with to come your way.

you are the only sane person here.........

Most of the replies on the post are so dumb,,,,,,,,,,
@chaircover and sisikill, you guys should atleast read and understand before giving st-upid answers

You want to marry him because you are 30+
He wants to marry you because you work in Oil/Gas and are financially stable.

He is 35yrs and still live with parents
He hasnt been even providing money for the minutest of your needs like making your air.
You are not in love him.

He is not the perfect husband material, but judging by your age, I say go ahead. There will be many obstacles but go ahead. We will advise you on the next step after those 3 lovely kids.

durobraham: dear poster YOU HAVE SERIOUS issues!

first of all, your boyfriend proposes to you , you accept AND THEN you come asking if you should marry him, isnt that callous immaturity? why didnt you tell him to give you time to think about it& use that time to seek counsel? u have just portrayed urself as a foolish&unthinking woman who doesnt value her commitments

Secondly, you have no understanding of the role of money in relationships. Instead of being bothered that ur bf doesnt give u money for hair which u clearly DONT NEED, u should have been more concerned with how he spends his money. Does he still live @ home because hes the one paying the bills? is he frivolous or always in debt? is he financially savvy? those are the kinds of money questions a wife-to-be asks. Not he doesnt pay for my hair&makeup like a dumb teenager.

Thirdly, its obvious from ur post that u guys struggling in the comunication dept. all the answers u need can only be gotten from ur bf. Instead of talking openly&sincerely with him abt ur reservations, ure here on N/L displaying ur childishness. What kind of wife are u planning to be if u dont know how to get this man to talk with you abt important things?
babes grow up abeg. make friends with reponsible married women so u can be mentored. u might be 30 but darling u think like a 20 yr old school girl.

Best advice so far.
@duro, I want to be your friend.

Gosh.. Ʊ guys are ‎​$Ơ̴̴̴̴͡ unbelievable.all she wanted was a candid opinion.. Whats with the insult. She just used the 2k salon thingy to explain how she feels her man is comfortable dat she kan handle things on her own cos she is wqorking,which is ‎​$Ơ̴̴̴̴͡ wrong of her man. Relationship is also mutual. № mata how litle a man earns,he shud learn to share what he has wit his spouse. The question to be asked is to find out from the poster if she had eva tried to belittle her boifriend at any point financially which can as well make d boifriend reluctant to give

iragbijile:

First I disagree with this line. We all arent created equal so some of us will never find ourselves in this kind of situation. This is your burden, that befell you because of your unique experience, luck, and background. You attracted it to yourself, so stop looking for pity from us. Grow up already!



Congrats!





So on one hand, you are still sorting things out in the emotional realm. On the other hand, he asked for your hand in marriage and you said NO? Well, I honestly believe NO is the right answer because only a weirdo would say YES in this type of situation. And I am sure you are not a weirdo. I mean, you dont sound like one. You are a sane, well educated, single lady in her 30s, confused and perhaps not that good looking, but traditional nevertheless. Traditional is good; just that it is relative and subjective.






What? When did you realize this? The first couple of times you met him or 789 days into the relationship?



What do you like about him? The fact that he is the only one who pays attention to you? Or the fact that he is the only one strong enough to put up with your ugly attitude?



Okay.




And what tradition tells you that the man must always provide for the woman? The man as the bread winner is a totally western idea that was planted in the psyche of us Africans by our colonial masters. At no point in the history of Africa was the man ever a bread winner. Hunter yes, bread winner, NO. Two different things. The agrarian family that pervaded the African society in the 'old' world was a unit of production that was bound to each other for economic survival; there were no 'traditional' bread winners, no separation of responsibilities. Both parties pitch in for the betterment of the household. An old Yoruba proverb goes: "Bokunrin rejo bobinrin pa a, kejo ma sa ti lo." Meaning, "If a man sees a snake and a woman kills it, what matters is the death of the snake." It doesnt matter who the bread winner is, what is important is that you two do not starve to death.




The only way to know for sure is for you to quit your job and be solely dependent on him.



Whats your point?



Stop fooling yourself. You need to snap out of the delusional reality you have created for yourself. You are not the Princess of Wales and your attitude sucks, if you were all that great and decent, you wont be in the situation you are presently in. That is the truth. Beautiful women always have enough pool of men to choose from by the time they are 22. You are 30, stuck with this guy for a reason. Unfortunately this is the only guy willing to put up with you attitude, it is time you put out or shut up. You have ghetto mentality, yet you want to be treated like some Arabian princess. It aint happening. You aint getting married to George Clooney or Dangote nor will you be spending your honeymoon in the Cayman Islands flown there on a GVI paid for by your rich Wall street private equity CEO with homes in Greenwich Connecticut. Not in this life. Atleast not without you having a major do over of your looks and attitude. Those people ( Clooney, Dangote and that private equity CEO guy) dont exist in real life, not to people like you. Sorry to be so blunt, but that is the truth. In this life, you are stuck with the type of people like your "boyfriend." There is little you can do about it. If you break up with him, the next person will be another "him," in a different form; maybe a little shorter, a little stingier, a little feistier, but, overall, just another clone of 'him.' You will be lucky if the 'new him' is anywhere as decent. In this type of situation, I always rely on Rene Decartes's third maxim: Endeavour always to conquer myself rather than fortune, and change my desires rather than the order of the world, and in general, accustom myself to the persuasion that, except our own thoughts, there is nothing absolutely in our power. That is, change your thoughts about this gentle man, change how you feel about him, and change your life for the better.

That said, I admire people who take chances because we all know that the grass is always greener, lusher and longer on the other side of the fence. What you may not realize is that you arent getting any younger; your looks arent getting more feminine; your ova arent getting more vibrant; and the societal pressure will only get worse.

will save this for my personal use/reminder.well written with somuch wisdom.

My dia babe4u, i wil leave u wt dis wards. A wise man ones said "dnt mari who u luv but luv who u mari" meanin, 2 pple fallin in luv is nt a gurantee dat dia luv wil last 4 evr, if it does, u wont hia wards lyk dis 'I DNT LUV U ANY MORE' but if 2 pple or 1 prsn in a relationship learns hw 2 luv each othr or d othr, beliv me dat luv wil b unbreakable. So all am sayn is if dis guy makes u hapi, go ahead wt d mariage n learn hw 2 luv hm cos dia must b smtin abt hm dat is kipin both of u 2geda 4 3yrs. Accordin 2 u, u guyz hvnt had any intimacy 4 3rys and he hvnt preasurizd u 4 sex wch means he respects u 4 who u are. My dear God hv placed u in a better position n he hv a reasn 4 dat, if u earn more dan ur guy or husband u dnt xpect hm 2 spend d little he hv on u, cos u r a blessin 2 hm n nt a tax collector, cos wen a guy starts spendin 4 a gal, he's xpectin smtin in return frm d gal. Is high tym u change d mentality of A man shud b d only 1 2 carter 4 d family. So my dear if dis guy maks u hapi, 4get abt luv n go ahead wt d mariage, make proper planin of ur both finances n build up ur home, luv wil cm later. But if he dosnt mek u hapi u better quite. Tanks

bebe4u: @ tiniyata, you didnt have to call me names, i didnt steal anthing of yours. if you dont like my post. *just jump am pass*

@ andromina. yes im marrying him alomost out of fear and i havent discussed this behaviour of his with him. i plan to do that.

@ sisikill and still water, i used salon money as the least cash assistance he can offer in terms of suporting me and im not talking salon money for brazilian weavon or anything of that range. im reffering to wash and set of at most 2k. not that i cant afford it, its a gesture of the fact that i am someone he should be responsible for as a wife to be.My point of concern is him not being responsive to my needs and translating that to not providing house keeping money just because im working and can afford it.

@chaircover and begs101 three years together was spent just as platonic friends. hence we never spent that time trying to buid sexual compatibility.

@ others ... thanks for your candid responses. i appreciate.

has it even occured to u that maybe he feels givn u somthn like 2k might be belittling u? He maybe insecure about stuffs like dat since u ar well above him financially

i rarely comment on nl but girl i must say am disappointed in u here is a young man admitted loves you even though from your post you have given him little care.pls let the man go ,he deserves much better,i would gladly marry a man am sure loves me.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, U DONT LOVE HIM IS U DONT LOVE HIM, SO DONT