I kinda sense some jealousy on this thread.

I never meant for there to be some kind trouble over my initail post.

First of all I did not mean to offend anyone about saying that he was not attracted to Nigerian women, the fact is that he is not, he does not even befriend really any type of Africans what so ever, so him hanging out with a Nigerian Woman really is not likely to happen. Besides the fact that if he really is that unhappy and does want another woman there is nothing in this world that I could do to stop him from going, such is they way of men. If he was that unhappy to yearn for someone else, why would I want him and his further disrespect of our relationship?
This was simply an issue of food that I did not undersand fully, not that I did not "handle the situation" myself, I indeed did I was only seeking insight on a cultrual reason as to why. What I gave you all was a small sliver of what has happened in my marriage and suddenly some of you claim doom to my relationship.

Insidently I found another empty bowl in the fridge today and I said something about it. "here we go setting up for another problem?"

To place all Nigerian Men in a pot together to me is just ignornant, ALL men are very different and diverce. I do realise that not all Nigerian Culture is the same either that there are variences from tribe to tribe.

Now I hope that we can keep this to the topic at hand and keep your negative comments to yourself, Thanks.

First of all I did not mean to offend anyone about saying that he was not attracted to Nigerian women, the fact is that he is not, he does not even befriend really any type of Africans what so ever, so him hanging out with a Nigerian Woman really is not likely to happen.

I understand, though some people fail too. Please I apologise.

Besides the fact that if he really is that unhappy and does want another woman there is nothing in this world that I could do to stop him from going, such is they way of men. If he was that unhappy to yearn for someone else, why would I want him and his further disrespect of our relationship?
This was simply an issue of food that I did not undersand fully, not that I did not "handle the situation" myself, I indeed did I was only seeking insight on a cultrual reason as to why. What I gave you all was a small sliver of what has happened in my marriage and suddenly some of you claim doom to my relationship.

Insidently I found another empty bowl in the fridge today and I said something about it. "here we go setting up for another problem?"

Culturally, women cook. The fact that he cooks atimes needs to be applauded (by me). However you have to find a way to tell him that putting an empty bowl in the fridge is not sensible. It's very irritating to my ears and I think it has turned into a habit on his part. I as a woman would not take it from my husband. Ask him if he is happy in his job, because men always take their anger on the food when there are frustrations in their jobs. They start finding unnecessary faults.

@ majik1
My dear, welcome to Nairaland. . . lots of empty headed and immature brats here.

take the advices that u feel will work for u and discard of the others but be careful which ones u hid to.

I don't know why some people wants to make it their headaches because your husband is not attracted to nigerian girls. You don't owe no one no apology.
Is it by force a nigerian man should marry a nigerian girl? fact is alot of nigerian guys these days ain't attracted to nigerian girl.
In as much as I don't like or agree with the way ur husband is treating u, especially when it comes to the issue of Food.

since she mentioned that her husband ain't attracted to nigerian girls, I noticed that the topic kind of changed.
Hun, please be careful if not some people will just end your marriage.

ALL THE BEST!!

@ Poster, well I am not married but I will advise you based on what i have observed from ym parents, hopefully it is helpful.

Nigerian men who often do things like that are common go to the numerous threads that talk about a woman being able to cook. Food often causes arguments in relationships, especially if the guy is very backward. I would have thought your guy was not that backward as he doesn't even hang around Africans but i am afraid a lot of Nigerian men i know pick and choose the traditions they wish to follow.

You said you work yet you are supposed to cook everything and monitor bowls that are empty in the fridge? The reason he probably put the bowl back in the fridge was because he did not want to wash it out. Than he went back to the fridge hungry and realised the bowl that was there was empty, instead of blaming himself he took it out on you. Sorry. He is wrong, you are right. But I think you can both move on from this if you let him know he should put empty containers in the sink so you know the fridge is empty, or he should allow you to stop working so you can devote all your time to being a housewife. I suspect he enjoys the fact you work as it means your standard of living is higher so he may see reason if you approach the issue delicately like that.

The only way you could know that the containers in the fridge are empty are if you serve him the food directly to his table rather than allowing him to go to the fridge (common in Nigerian culture). Perhaps that is what he meant when he said you are treating him like an animal - making him fetch his own food not caring if it is empty or not! Of course you were actually treating him well as far as I am concerned but since you said you just want to understand him rather than see who was right or wrong i am just giving you my two cents. I am not sure how long you guys have been married but marriage is supposed to be a learning process on both sides. You do your best to please him and he does his best to please you. The Nigerian guys I know don't like talking about issues where they may be wrong so it may be hard for you to discuss these things in depth (like why he feels the need to shout at someone he loves over common food), but just try your best ok?

Honest opinion, no wise cracks
this is my take, even though i dont share the same belief

where i come from, men like and expect their wives to cook for them, females take it as u want but its the truth
dont know how long u guys stayed together b4 getting married so i would have said on ur path u would have noticed it in him b4 now
how long have u guys been married, if its not long then i guess its his idea of training u for the days ahead

about the empty dishes, though i wouldnt commend him 4 dat but his arguement of u not caring should hold and i would tell u y

does he normally eat out? if he eats regularly at home, u as a caring wife should have it at the back of ur mind when the due date for the next meal is or when the supply should be exhausted.
if u were concerned and saw dishes which u though had food in it, in the fridge u should have challenged him or discussed on why he is not eating ur food, shows u care dont get me wrong i'm not apportioning blame here just trying to see ur guy's psychic and the way he was probably thinking.
and if u realised he had empty dishes in the fridge which u dont like, since the kitchen is urs u have a right to put him straight but since u urself didnt even know how can u then correct him, meaning u dont take care of ur territory

but like i said, dont have enough info to make a real objective input but if u start analysing from ur husband's point of view which might be wrong u'll find it easier understanding his habits and ways to deal with it.

but the key is communication, so try discuss issues with ur guy6, makes things a lot easier. Good luck

Busta:

@ majik1
My dear, welcome to Nairaland. . . lots of empty headed and immature brats here.

take the advices that u feel will work for u and discard of the others but be careful which ones u hid to.

I don't know why some people wants to make it their headaches because your husband is not attracted to nigerian girls. You don't owe no one no apology.
Is it by force a nigerian man should marry a nigerian girl? fact is alot of nigerian guys these days ain't attracted to nigerian girl.
In as much as I don't like or agree with the way your husband is treating u, especially when it comes to the issue of Food.

since she mentioned that her husband ain't attracted to nigerian girls, I noticed that the topic kind of changed.
Hun, please be careful if not some people will just end your marriage.

ALL THE BEST!!

Busta and Davidylan are making a lot of sense here.

Someone brings a problem asking for solutions and people are busy criticizing the lady's husband for not liking Nigerians and even insinuating all sorts of things that the poster never thought of. One thing you should have in mind is, insulting the lady's husband is an indirect insult on her, she's still married to him and loves him.

and b4 i forget, pls dont start making female friends esp. nigerians just because u want to understand ur husband, believe me thats the first step on the road to Perdition.

majik1:

I never meant for there to be some kind trouble over my initail post.

First of all I did not mean to offend anyone about saying that he was not attracted to Nigerian women, the fact is that he is not, he does not even befriend really any type of Africans what so ever, so him hanging out with a Nigerian Woman really is not likely to happen.

You owe no one any appologies for who your husband wishes to spend the rest of his life with. He loves you enough to have married you . . . anyone else who is hurt by this should simply find someone else out of the millions of other Nigerian men.

Back to the topic: your husband is simply behaving like a spoilt child . . . call him and talk to him, let him know he hurts you by those tiny actions. Let him realise how much you want to understand him and his culture . . . men like to be pampered and treated like babies and kings at the same time. Dont nag him, it only makes matters worse. Dont go on the offensive, you will only end up driving the wedge deeper between the two of u.
You should know that one thing that makes him weak about you, for me its seeing my women cry . . . i will go get you the moon just to get you to stop. Use it to your advantage and soon you'll have him eating out of your hands.

Best of luck and here's to a long lasting marriage.

Don1DeMaco:

and before i forget, please don't start making female friends esp. nigerians just because u want to understand your husband, believe me thats the first step on the road to Perdition.

I cant stress this enough!! Leave another woman out of it ESPECIALLY A NIGERIAN WOMAN! You already know what they think of your husband's choice of a wife just by reading this thread.

@adeboo

and if u are a praying woman, get on your knees and pray.

I couldnt have said it any better, myself.


apt description here: When he's good, he's very very good, and when he's bad, he's horrid.

Doesnt apply only to Naija guys, but for some reason when they're being horrid they get lots of publicity.

Intercultural marriages require extra work, imo.

I appreciate all of the advice/opinions.

He came to me about the food again, he said that he noticed when I cook for him I dont eat it, I only make it for him. He was not happy about it. But honestly he is so picky about food and the rest of us dont have the same pallate that he does. Wow I just can not win here. I cook EVERYDAY now regardless if there is food (in the fridge) or not, I dont want to hear anymore about food.

I have prayed for strength, for me to have patience and understanding, and to have forgiveness,

We have been married for a year and have been together for 3.

I dont nag him, I mostly keep my opinions to myself, I dont think he has any idea how his actions ( not just this instance) have hurt me. Someone said that to love a Nigerian Man you need an iorn heart, I am starting to belive that.

Seems to me the answer is simple, He's trying to control you and subdue you. I'm not going to suggest how you choose to handle your marriage, but keep in mind there's ALL KINDS OF ABUSE. A man DOESN'T HAVE TO BE HITTING YOU TO ABUSE YOU!

Some food for thought (excuse the pun, )

I don't nag him, I mostly keep my opinions to myself, I don't think he has any idea how his actions ( not just this instance) have hurt me.

@majik1
You can't keep on keeping your opinions to yourself. You not nagging doesn't mean you can't say your opinions in your house. You just have to sit him down and talk to him like husband and wife not master and slave. He would never know that your feelings have been hurt if you don't talk to him. I know you think keeping your opinions to yourself makes you a very respectful wife, but you would only suffer in silence.

ok I understand the abuse thing,

but what if he does not know it is abuse? Is there such a thing in Nigeria as mental abuse??

I know I am suffering in silence, but I want a peacefull home. I have tried talking,
he is not exactly forthright with me about things, he is always hiding something, he just thinks that I dont know.

I am MUCH smarter and crafty ( and I dont mena Martha Stewart)than people give me credit for,

Poster, you sound like ure not happy about certain things that are going on around u. From what u wrote it kind of sounded like u do whatever he wants just to maintain 'peace' thus a very wrong approach. You are a couple so he should also contribute to the r/ship not only money wise but by also doing some chores. The issue about the food is annoying cause your hubby is simply putting u through emotional trauma. He may love u 100% but putting u through emotional abuse is very destructive. From your last two posts the issue of the food is not the main or only problem. You want a peaceful marriage so thats y u keep things to yourself but thats not right. Keeping things to yourself doesnt guarantee peace instead it makes one a ticking time bomb. Am not here to criticize u, your hubby or your marriage cause I have no right to but u gotta let a lot of stuff u keep to yourself out cause one day u might flip out or just snap due to the suppression of your emotions. Ure not God but a human that has a limit of stuff that they can bear, so to avoid being pushed to your limit y'all gotta have a deep talk. Dont let anyone push u to your limit b/f u speak out. You should also ask yourself 'certain' questions and answer them honestly. Forget for a minute that the guy is Nigerian and ask yourself what u would do if a guy flips out just cause of food? Open and good communication is one of the keys to a healthy r/ship and y'all should do it more.

Zandra1, are u sure your advice is not wrong?

Its right to me but its all good if u think its wrong. Feel free to say whatever u think is wrong about it.

Keeping things to yourself doesnt guarantee peace instead it makes one a ticking time bomb.


pls note that marital issues are not predictable!