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Why Do Some People Abandon Their Parents After Marriage? - Family - Nairaland

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Why Do Some People Abandon Their Parents After Marriage? by Emekuuss(m): 6:17pm On Aug 22, 2012
We see some parents working tirelessly hard to ensure their children get a better life at all cost & some of them are petty traders, civil servants e.t.c & as time goes by, they get older as well as lack the strength to push further on getting some income for the family. but after helping their children to a certain place or level of life, don't these parents deserve something more from their children in return? We stil see a lot of people though helping out before marriage in taking care of their parents but after marriage, they stopped doin so completely & using it as an excuse for not helping out anymore. So, what do we say is the problem, could it be lack of proper planning before marriage or the fault is from the parents or what?

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Re: Why Do Some People Abandon Their Parents After Marriage? by 234GT: 7:32pm On Aug 22, 2012
My parents visit my grandparents twice a month. Our hometown is about two hours drive from where we live. I have learnt that unconsciously since when I was a kid, so I cant abandon my parents after wedding. The moral is that you must take care of your parents if you want your children to do same for you.

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Re: Why Do Some People Abandon Their Parents After Marriage? by Kobojunkie: 10:37am On Aug 26, 2012
I think it has a lot to do with selfishness.

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Re: Why Do Some People Abandon Their Parents After Marriage? by EfemenaXY: 9:07pm On Aug 26, 2012
I think it really depends on where you find yourself.

It's a lot easier to look after an ailing parent back home in Naija than in most western countries.
Re: Why Do Some People Abandon Their Parents After Marriage? by Kobojunkie: 9:58pm On Aug 26, 2012
^^ That is absolutely not a good reason to abandon your parents. People need to stop using this WEST vs NIGERIA crap as an excuse for what amounts to sheer stupi_dity.

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Re: Why Do Some People Abandon Their Parents After Marriage? by EfemenaXY: 10:35pm On Aug 26, 2012
Hold your horses Kobo.

I used the phrase "to look after an ailing parent" - not "reason to abandon your parents".

And what's stup[i]i[/i]d about stating that it's a lot harder in the west than in Nigeria?
Re: Why Do Some People Abandon Their Parents After Marriage? by Blazzay: 2:32pm On Jan 28, 2013
I sure did not. . .marriage can't make me abandon my parents.
You just have to set boundaries. . . and limit interferances from both sides.
Simple! kiss
Re: Why Do Some People Abandon Their Parents After Marriage? by jerk: 3:41pm On Jan 28, 2013
Blame it on d part of some wicked wives that these men married.

8 Likes

Re: Why Do Some People Abandon Their Parents After Marriage? by Kassidy90(m): 3:44pm On Jan 28, 2013
I will never have any reason to abandon my parent after marriage insha Allah but I will set boundaries..... Even if I travel overseas, if u see any married man that abandoned his parents, well the wife could be the problem, cause I hardly see any woman abandoning her parents......

1 Like

Re: Why Do Some People Abandon Their Parents After Marriage? by oluwadare26(m): 3:45pm On Jan 28, 2013
Because they are heartless and wicked, betterstill Ingrate.
Re: Why Do Some People Abandon Their Parents After Marriage? by Kassidy90(m): 3:46pm On Jan 28, 2013
jerk: Blame it on d part of some wicked wives that these men married.
Mai mind exactly
Re: Why Do Some People Abandon Their Parents After Marriage? by Nairalandinfo: 3:49pm On Jan 28, 2013
jerk: Blame it on d part of some wicked wives that these men married.
i know sum1 abroad who afta 11yrs gave the father #7000 & afta some mths spent ova 1 to 2million for his fathers burial...the cause for all this when u marry a WITCH as wife whether black or white

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Re: Why Do Some People Abandon Their Parents After Marriage? by SisiKill1: 3:51pm On Jan 28, 2013
To Avoid issues like these. . .

It Is Right For Your Mother Inlaw To Call Your Wife Every Sec. And At Late Night - Has a problem with mother calling her daughter.

How Long Is Too Long For An Inlaw To Stay? - Self explanatory

Her Mother Inlaw Scolds Her... Pls Advice- Mother in law treats her like a small child

Help My Mother-inlaw Asked My Husband To Walk Out Of Our Marriage- Mother helping her son leave the country without his wife.

How Can One Overcome Language Barrier In Marriage?- Doesn't want wife to speak her language to her people on the phone when he is around.

Do U Think This Is Okay From An Inlaw To Be? - Thinks mother in law is coming unto him because she's being nice to him.


When you are dealing with petty people who don't understand personal boundaries, have a problem interpreting interpersonal relations, who don't understand that marriage does not mean a end to the life you had before but is an addition to that life and take every little slight as a personal affront. . .you may find yourself creating a distance with your family just to keep the peace.

3 Likes

Re: Why Do Some People Abandon Their Parents After Marriage? by Philolos: 3:53pm On Jan 28, 2013
Emekuuss: We see some parents working tirelessly hard to ensure their children get a better life at all cost & some of them are petty traders, civil servants e.t.c & as time goes by, they get older as well as lack the strength to push further on getting some income for the family. but after helping their children to a certain place or level of life, don't these parents deserve something more from their children in return? We stil see a lot of people though helping out before marriage in taking care of their parents but after marriage, they stopped doing so completely & using it as an excuse for not helping out anymore. So, what do we say is the problem, could it be lack of proper planning before marriage or the fault is from the parents or what?

@OP, like one of the poster said, it is partly because of where you find yourself. However, it is more complicated than that. The most precious substance we can give our elderly is our time. For some of us that is close to impossible because our education, marital life, war, or employment may have taken us outside the area or country in some cases. That said, some of us may be able to provide financial support, and we should. It's not good to leave it to the eldest, richest, youngest, or healthcare professionals within the family. I believe everyone should chip in with their own sort of gift, financial, time, or whatever. And our culture is such that you can never do enough. We always expect more. Even from when we were little kids, parents and society expects more. If you get a "B" grade, your parents would ask you why you didn't get an "A". If you get a job in Abuja, your parents may say what is the big deal? Some other family friend’s child got a job in London, Hong-Kong, or New York. There is this endless competition within families, villages, and our society at large. We see this is Lagos every day. No roads but the desire to show off with flashy low suspension cars. Again you can say it comes down to priorities and how we were raised.

My parents raised me to believe that I was their pension, NHS, Medicare, Medicaid, call it what you like. Hence, I’ve been lucky to provide since the age of 17. I can’t even count how many burials and weddings I’ve funded. But I consider myself blessed to be able to.

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Re: Why Do Some People Abandon Their Parents After Marriage? by Symphony007: 3:56pm On Jan 28, 2013
Legislation was recently passed in china and japan. Whereby the government can prosecute adults who abandon their elderly parents. Do you think the national assembly should debate a nigerian version?
Re: Why Do Some People Abandon Their Parents After Marriage? by Truckpusher(m): 4:06pm On Jan 28, 2013
One can actually think that it's impossible for people to abandon their parents,but I've seen people of different orientation and educational background abandon their parents without batting an eyelid.

Before we begin to crucify these disadvantaged adults let us understand the factors that would make full grown men or women to abandon their parents irrespective of their background.

Some parents have so much abused their place as a father or mother that their little boy/girl just hangs by the rope waiting to grow up and run away from the house ,all their lives they don't know what it means to be loved or cared for.It is either they are being abused verbally,physically or emotionally ,even when it comes to matters of their education and their general well being as a person that has the zeal to improve his/her life you'll still notice that their parents would even discourage them through their constant wayward attitude towards their children welfare as if they were forced to make babies. Such children are everywhere and one thing for sure is that most of them ends badly in life though you can not remove the fact that most of them still make it big in life ,but an abused child would always be an abused child.

Now to the OP what kind of love would a father or mother expect from a child that went through hell in their presence to remain alive?.... remember you can only give out what you have.

6 Likes

Re: Why Do Some People Abandon Their Parents After Marriage? by angelz(f): 4:13pm On Jan 28, 2013
Any man who blame his wife for his inability to takia of his parents is a D.
Obviously, d wman controls him n calls d short in d house. The truth is 1's u marry, ur primary responsibility is ur immediate family, while ur parents n siblings r ur secondary resposibility. Am not sayin if u av 2 pay ur dad's medical bill n ur wife needs 2 pay 4 aso - ebi 4 her younger sibling weddin, u shuld takia of her party bills b4 ur Dad's medical bill. Ur dad shuld come first in dis case, cus his life is involv.
So Men who r jus men with dia stick shuld stop blamin dia wives 4 dia irresponsibilities towards dia family.
So if as a man who are considerate of ur family, u shud make sure you takia of ur sibling 2 an independent degree, b4 u get married, set up ur parents if possible. Cus what u r doin 4 ur family b4 u get married, cannot remain d same afterwards. Cus dia r more additional responsibilities.
Evn as a lady, d way l was dishin out 2 my parents were not d same afta l got married, cus my hubby cannot handle evrythin in d house. l av 2 take charge weneva he cant meet up. Those chldren will not understand d word "BROKE". they av 2 eat.

4 Likes

Re: Why Do Some People Abandon Their Parents After Marriage? by jonc20: 4:13pm On Jan 28, 2013
jerk: Blame it on d part of some wicked wives that these men married.

Unfortunately, this is typical of most Nigerians to always blame the wives for everything.
Also, there is also the assumption that all parents are good.
What if the parents are actually bad? For example, you are aware/witness your parents take another life? What do you expect the man to do?
Re: Why Do Some People Abandon Their Parents After Marriage? by Truckpusher(m): 4:20pm On Jan 28, 2013
jerk: Blame it on d part of some wicked wives that these men married.
I wouldn't blame any woman if a full grown man abandons his parents partly because some men are stingy ,greedy and just bad ,as soon as they get married they hide under their wives mere jealousy to inflict pains on their parents ,siblings and whoever that would need help from them.

while the woman will be basking in the euphoria of being in control ,the man would be using her name as mask to commit atrocities which will eventually turn against her in the future and the man becomes exonerated before his family....because for such couples the day of reckoning is just around the corner and the woman bears the brunt so women open your eyes......what you get to hear when it comes to that stage goes like this ..OUR BROTHER BEEN GOOD BEFORE, BUT AS SOON AS HIM MARRY THIS BAD WOMAN HIM JUST CHANGE KPATAKPATA.. grin grin grin grin

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Re: Why Do Some People Abandon Their Parents After Marriage? by bukatyne(f): 4:25pm On Jan 28, 2013
jerk: Blame it on d part of some wicked wives that these men married.
So the man is a baby that doesn't know what is good for him or the wife would tie his legs if he decided to see them or cease network if he try to call or freeze his account if he wants to send money. A typical nigerian man claims to be the head and a MAAANNN and a 'mere' woman can twist him round like a ring on a little finger but such a 'strong' woman can't influence the man to do something good. If the man does something good, he is a man etc but when he messes up, then the evil wife who is a 'mere' wife and has no right to drop a PIN while Oga is at home suddenly develops and acquires the powers to stop the husband from doing the right thing!

My beloved Niger, I hail thee!

1 Like

Re: Why Do Some People Abandon Their Parents After Marriage? by Fleming5(m): 4:38pm On Jan 28, 2013
Parents should teach their words that. Let them live by example. 1 love
Re: Why Do Some People Abandon Their Parents After Marriage? by doeeyed: 4:40pm On Jan 28, 2013
From my point of view...
It's multifactorial......

1) job stresses
2) family commitments
3) "In-law syndrome"
4) societal structure and slant
5) relative independence of the Seniors involved
6) Miscellaneous

A short summary may surmise my observations.


A young hustling mid to senior level executive jet-setting round the world, would not have the physical time to care for his parents.
But I hear you think, ...... let him put something or structure in place!

Rightly so, if he's got a family, parents could come over on visits and interact with their grandchildren....
Alas, wifey is rather no-nonsense, overworked with 3 toddlers under 5: a 9-5pm job and Mama who wants her meals prepared freshly with no oil..** doctor said, its not good for her health**,..........
he's hardly around to act as referee.............

and in order for peace to reign, sacrifices that offer, missing a chance at generational family building.

He offers a Seniors home.... but parents Tufiakwa the idea... "In our culture, its a taboo.... Did I leave with foster parents whilst training you...is the reprimand".



So merrily, they return back to the villa in the village.



The years go by, Mama n Papa have relied a little too heavily on the goodwill of neighbours and other family members. Ill health unfortunately comes knocking. The once amiable helpers become rather disgruntled though over the years, they have been blessed by your generous gifts in appreciation for their help.

With no logistics in place and physical structures in disrepair and falling apart... the (grand)children are in private schools.... fees are rather heavy. The task ahead seems rather gigantic financially. Somehow your contemporaries "at home" shake their heads at the obvious seams falling apart in your once coveted and admired life tapestry representing one's perceived success.............


We can all come to our conclusions and profer alternative actions at varying stages.

Action points:-

Try to prepare either logistically or
set a trust fund ** sth is coming up in Lagos, I'm told**for the day the Seniors will need all that help.
If estates are then disposed off, to aid their healthcare needs, there's no feeling of inadequacy.

You were once dependent on them, life is a cycle, they'll be dependent on you.
Perform as much as you can responsibly to their care.


My 2 cents
Re: Why Do Some People Abandon Their Parents After Marriage? by doeeyed: 4:55pm On Jan 28, 2013
bukatyne: So the man is a baby that doesn't know what is good for him or the wife would tie his legs if he decided to see them or cease network if he try to call or freeze his account if he wants to send money. A typical nigerian man claims to be the head and a MAAANNN and a 'mere' woman can twist him round like a ring on a little finger but such a 'strong' woman can't influence the man to do something good. If the man does something good, he is a man etc but when he messes up, then the evil wife who is a 'mere' wife and has no right to drop a PIN while Oga is at home suddenly develops and acquires the powers to stop the husband from doing the right thing!

My beloved Niger, I hail thee!



Bukatyne chillax.....
Truckpusher has said it.

I laugh when I hear girls declaring war on MIL or In laws generally even before the wedding day.
Yes, some wives need to have the milk of human kindness flow through their veins
And be more empathetic not just sympathetic.

However, I've observed that some wives have inherently acquired a bad name, as not all are bad...... simply quite foolish.

His family members know your uncompromising attitude towards them, some untoward, sometimes saucy comments made to ur In laws.
Though the wife may be unaware of the husband's lack of responsibility to his pple, at the time, **he's not dropping allowee but makes out behind you.... that you n your children consume his salary: when actually its the runs girls n yeye club friends **

Culture has it.... she'll be blamed
Unfair as it is...... but that's the terrain.

So I smh, when a man treats his family badly particularly in the open view of the public
And the wife rather than calm him down.... is laughing, feeling vindicated.

What she forgets, the same behavior may be meted out to her.....
Sometimes so soon after.
Then.... who does she run too
Same family members, she laughed at a short while ago.


Learn to choose ur battles is my advice to the new "MRS".

.
Re: Why Do Some People Abandon Their Parents After Marriage? by dlinglos(f): 5:00pm On Jan 28, 2013
oluwadare26: Because they are heartless and wicked, betterstill Ingrate.
I agree with you because as far as am concern, there is no reason whatsoever to abandon ones parents after marriage expecially after the poor parents have spent about half of their life time caring, praying, sponsoring...that child. angry angry angry
Re: Why Do Some People Abandon Their Parents After Marriage? by bukatyne(f): 5:14pm On Jan 28, 2013
doe-eyed:




Bukatyne chillax.....
Truckpusher has said it.

I laugh when I hear girls declaring war on MIL or In laws generally even before the wedding day.
Yes, some wives need to have the milk of human kindness flow through their veins
And be more empathetic not just sympathetic.

However, I've observed that some wives have inherently acquired a bad name, as not all are inherently bad...... simply quite foolish.

His family members know your uncompromising attitude towards them, some untoward, sometimes saucy comments made to ur In laws.
Though the wife may be unaware of the husband's lack of responsibility to his pple, at the time,
Culture has it.... she'll be blamed
Unfair as it is...... but that's the terrain.

So I smh, when a man treats his family badly particularly in the open view of the public
And the wife rather calm him down.... is laughing, feeling vindicated.

What she forgets, the same behavior may be meted out to her.....
Sometimes so soon after.
Then.... who does she run too
Same family members, she laughed at a short while ago.


Learn to choose ur battles is my advice to the new "MRS".

.

Doe-eyed, you don't get the gist of my post at all. A man should be ashamed to say that his wife made him neglect his parents! Even women who seem to have the lower hand so to speak still find ways to help their parents. If your wife is sooooooooooooo evil and doesn't want you to go near your parents, does she monitor your calls? Can she monitor all the money he spends? If he has an opportunity to visit around his parents' home, can't he 'sneak' in and visit them? A 16yr old girl/boy will be able to sneak to his/her lover's house, buy recharge card/valentine gifts, call him/her and a grown bottom man going to work daily can't find ways to keep in touch/help his parents? That's bull raised to the power of infinity!
Re: Why Do Some People Abandon Their Parents After Marriage? by chidyke77(m): 5:22pm On Jan 28, 2013
bukatyne: Doe-eyed, you don't get the gist of my post at all. A man should be ashamed to say that his wife made him neglect his parents! Even women who seem to have the lower hand so to speak still find ways to help their parents. If your wife is sooooooooooooo evil and doesn't want you to go near your parents, does she monitor your calls? Can she monitor all the money he spends? If he has an opportunity to visit around his parents' home, can't he 'sneak' in and visit them? A 16yr old girl/boy will be able to sneak to his/her lover's house, buy recharge card/valentine gifts, call him/her and a grown bottom man going to work daily can't find ways to keep in touch/help his parents? That's bull raised to the power of infinity!
hv u forgotten that there are some men may be out of love or stupidity wouldn't do anything without their wife knowledge. They believe in after all,one plus one is one.
Re: Why Do Some People Abandon Their Parents After Marriage? by doeeyed: 5:32pm On Jan 28, 2013
bukatyne: Doe-eyed, you don't get the gist of my post at all. A man should be ashamed to say that his wife made him neglect his parents! Even women who seem to have the lower hand so to speak still find ways to help their parents. If your wife is sooooooooooooo evil and doesn't want you to go near your parents, does she monitor your calls? Can she monitor all the money he spends? If he has an opportunity to visit around his parents' home, can't he 'sneak' in and visit them? A 16yr old girl/boy will be able to sneak to his/her lover's house, buy recharge card/valentine gifts, call him/her and a grown bottom man going to work daily can't find ways to keep in touch/help his parents? That's bull raised to the power of infinity!

I concur.

However, that's a man that's responsible and honest.
The man, I referred to are the "wayo bobo" making out to his family, his wife takes his salary off him.....

The wife who has an adversarial attitude to her inlaws will never know this, till its too late.

And as Chidyke77 has suggested some men make out that they think from their wives' booties.

.
Re: Why Do Some People Abandon Their Parents After Marriage? by vicky6: 5:38pm On Jan 28, 2013
in many cases children struggle to fulfil their obligations both to their parents and spouse, and you might be thinking of the parents being abandoned. This can be avoided if both the parents and the spouse recognise the person caught in middle to be in two partnerships, one with the spouse and one with the parent. Both partnerships have distinct duties and obligations and should be recognised and respected as such. As a child an offspring should consult parents and give them their space and draw a boundary into his new role in life where their input will be solicited IF necessary. The spouse similarly should be made aware of their role and boundaries. Once this is done tactfully in the beginning the future becomes more manageable.
Re: Why Do Some People Abandon Their Parents After Marriage? by Nobody: 5:46pm On Jan 28, 2013
I recently had similar discussion on Damiso's thread

....marriage( kids expenses )shouldn't be an excuse to care for your parents.... It is an obligation to care for your parents the best possible way you can afford( money , time).... it doesn't have to be millions... Let your spouse know its his responsibility and duty of a family purse to include your parents in the budget... They deserve it you like it or not...

Bukatyne... do you know some couple don't have secret and stash money in another account without their spouses knowledge? ........So this is not the matter of a 16 year old I give pocket money I already knew 70% of it will go towards buying her boyfriend gifts.

Please stop mixing apples with oranges.
Re: Why Do Some People Abandon Their Parents After Marriage? by Oluabayomi1(m): 6:05pm On Jan 28, 2013
Because
while taken their wedding OATH just like our elected political holders do
take theirs,the pastor ll say "WHAT GOD HAD JOINED TOGETHER LET NO
ONE(including parents) PUT ASUNDER" hence d need to stay away from them
so as to avoid d oath being broken
Re: Why Do Some People Abandon Their Parents After Marriage? by damiso(f): 6:49pm On Jan 28, 2013
I personally believe the best care one can give the parents(cos i also treasured that as a kid)is care,attention,time,compassion and most of all love.Money too as well(unless we are saying wealthy aged parents who can afford to cater for themselves dont deserve attention) but not the main thing.Finances should be used to demonstrate care not just as an instrument in itself.Vice-versa as a parent its not just about buying kids the most expensive stuff.

Try as much as possible to be there for them.Elderly people just need to know that they are still valued.If you live far,call at least once a week and every opportunity you have try to visit them
Re: Why Do Some People Abandon Their Parents After Marriage? by ehie(f): 9:00pm On Jan 28, 2013
abandon ur parents and ur kids abandon u,what comes around,goes around

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