Ladies, I need you on this one.

I’m a regular member on here, so you’ll all understand why a new handle is necessary.

Let me make it short and concise.

My girlfriend/fiancé of nearly 5 years is all of a sudden asking me for a little time out to allow her sort out her new business.

We agreed to solemnize our traditional marriage in Nigeria this month, and as faith will have it, her job contract was not extended so she has to go. She’s currently setting up a beauty supplies business which was discussed with me and has my blessing as long as she's contended with it.

Now, she routinely ignores my calls (she does that every now and then over the years and claims she cant help herself)and calls every now and then with an excuse to quickly bail out of the conversation. She also refuses to open up when i come calling (also not new).

My name is Honey and baby by the way and that hasn't changed.

That behaviour infuriated me the last time and I made clear that it will no longer be tolerated or ignored by me.

She travelled out of our location 2 weeks ago for four days without my notification or information.

On her return, a short but peaceful and matured confrontation ensued where i made known that I was aware of her travel and other antics and sort explanations. None was forthcoming except that she was stressed out and needed to sort her new plans out ( can understand that, but people in our constellation usually do this together). She later sent me a text message apologising and resumed calling me again.

Acting on personal instinct, I did a little snooping (I am an IT man)and found pictures of herself taken on that journey, but also pictures of a male person.

That image matched that of a guy whom she has on Facebook as a friend and who happens to live in the location she travelled to. I had asked who that individual was a few months back, and she claimed it was just someone who asked to become friends.

I confronted her yesterday about this discovery. She claimed they’re just friends, then changed the story to having flirted with him. When I became categorical about she having an affair and sleeping with him, she claimed she only kissed him but nothing further.

Here is a woman who needs my voice in her ears to fall asleep every night for nearly five years. She said its my fault that she sort comfort with that individual. That I became absent regarding her needs but admitted that she erred in not drawing my attention to the deficit but expected me as her man to figure what her needs are.

She has routingly lied in the past about things but i hung in there. why?, because I love her. I expressively asked her to break up with me first if it ever got to a point where she ever felt the need to cheat on me. A text message will do.

I proded further and asked if I'd go ahead with the marriage plans or cancel as my folks are gearing to go. She said not to cancel but needs some time to get her business started.

Questions on my mind are the following:

Why the sudden need for space?
Why the sudden secrecy
We had planed and talked about everything in the past, why can I not participate in setting up this business or use my various talents and capacities which she's well informed about?.
Why am I the person she needs a break from?.
Was her last answer out of fear.

I'm about to bail.

Ladies?(and reasonable guys.

There is something obviously fishy. She confessed that, though very disrespectful on her part. But the sudden space she requested for is what baffles me

Watch it boi.

It could be one of 2 tins, a case of cold feet or wat u fear it is. Watever it is, time shall tell. Try nd work it out or give her some space if she wants

Communication is vital in all relationships. You shouldn't marry someone that you can't communicate with. I don't think she's two timing. I actually believe that she's very stressed out. No job and how else are you helping her with the business?

Sit her down and have a man-o-e-mano chat with her.

Having read all that, I think you should continue with her cos you seems to be very in love with her.
Personally, I can't stand such behaviour and I would just have her make up her mind right there and then

Am sorry to tell you that your madam is having second thoughts about you.

My advice, is give her enough space for her business and concentrate on something worthwhile, while observing her closely without her knowledge.Put your marriage plans on hold too for now!

I think Something is unfolding!
Be patient!

Really, why do people keep such long-term r/ships without marriage? 5yrs of just being a girlfriend? People get tired of status that doesn't change, they will start finding faults after all they are not maritally committed to you. All these long wait brings in too much katakata that wasn't there initial. And yes people fall out of love when things aren't as they use to be.

Its a bit too close to the traditional wedding to be behaving like this sha. She probably doesn't want to marry you anymore.

u got to communicate on plain terms, no lies, no double meaning just plainly.

But I really think he needs to have a talk with that girl and she has to decide, no give me time to think about it.

Thanks guys

obowunmi: No job and how else are you helping her with the business?

That part is what I'm yet to resolve myself with. As i mentioned earlier, this decision was discussed with me. A location became free and she decided to acquire it. I asked how she intends to finance the project and where do i come in, but recieved no precise answer. Indeed, she started acting dodgy shortly after.

I had made most contacts and arrangements for some of the products she will acquire. what i will not do for her is only that which the good lord has not permited me. She knows my capacity to get things like the ones she is currently confronted with done, and will usually do anything to avail herself of same. That she's not doing that is what arose my suspicion in the first place. she's just not accessible. will not take my calls, locks up her doors and will not come to see me at my invitation (promises to but stays away without informing).

At my aggitated insistance yesterday, she claimed to have obtained a loan from her bank (I'm yet to see the paperwork). That was unnecessary if she'd kept me in the loop.

I understand my responsibility to my girl and "try" to meet em.

We also reside in a country where unempoyment benefits could be more generous than being employed sometimes, if u get my drift. So, its not like she's broke for being out of work for 2 months.

AmBeautiful: Am sorry to tell you that your madam is having second thoughts about you.

My advice, is give her enough space for her business and concentrate on something worthwhile, while observing her closely without her knowledge.Put your marriage plans on hold too for now!

I think Something is unfolding!
Be patient!

I'm beginning to think along these lines. tnx

dubezj:

I'm beginning to think along these lines. tnx

But u shouldn't panic just yet. Marriage is no childs play so she needs to be absolutely sure. Give her spacen observe and pray her final descision favours u. U should try talking to her. Get her to voice out her reservations

dubezj:

I'm beginning to think along these lines. tnx

But.....

Can you answer these questions?

Are you working?
Is she working and how have you two been coping with the unemployment issue? H
The guy she admitted she kissed, is he a Nigerian
How has it been with you guys months back and when did this issue start?
Do you see frequently?
Do you give her attention and communicate with her always?
Are you close to her family?
how is your financial status?
What do you think would be the status of the guy she admitted kissing?
Have you met her little financial needs? Or you cant afford it?
Finally what business is she starting?

Seriously, try to answer this questions honestly!
Then i will say my mind bluntly!

But.....

Can you answer these questions?

Sure

Are you working?

Yes, I am gainfully self employed

Is she working and how have you two been coping with the unemployment issue? H

She had a good job in the corporate world until end of july

The guy she admitted she kissed, is he a Nigerian

yes

How has it been with you guys months back and when did this issue start?

every relationship has high and lows, ours was no different, but hse told me yesterday that it has been a good relationship and she is happy in it if you discount the pains she felt from some of my ways. I felt pains from her misdeeds too.

Do you see frequently?

we talk every day and night and see each other like every forthnight

Do you give her attention and communicate with her always?

yes. shes the only person who can call me 24/7. I'm a little short on the calls sometimes

Are you close to her family?

yes, I pseak with her father and one of her Brothers has become a friend

how is your financial status?

Good

What do you think would be the status of the guy she admitted kissing?

not married as far as my information suggests

Have you met her little financial needs? Or you cant afford it?

I have on an ongoing basis

Finally what business is she starting?

Beauty products supply outlet/ nails/hairs products

Seriously, try to answer this questions honestly!
Then i will say my mind bluntly!

There you have it!

well,
I asked those questions because i just realize that giving her space, is giving her room for some more other things!And giving her a chance to give an excuse 'you ignored me'.

The fact that she said you should give her more time for her business and you still don't know how she got the funds for it is baffling, for someone you are going ahead with marriage plans!

If you say you really love her, i think you should have another discussion again and see if she would see reasons with you! Infact confront her 'peacefully' !
I also suggest that you try talking this out with someone in her family who you are close to as well and see if it will make any impact(that's if you make no head way with your discussion and the situation persists).And then put marriage plans on hold and sort out this issue!
But seriously, i think something's up...........
Be kiaful!

Is she two timing? if yes what do you really want to do about it? forgive and completely forget? talk through to know what lead to it and make amends?

if she is not, do you want to continue with your James bond moves, snooping when there is a reason to be suspicious. do you really what to live like this? truth is marriage is about two friends who are open and not ashamed, the reason she is giving you excuses now is to bid time to be sure who she wants to be with, how serious is she with this guy,she kissed after you had facts, (so its possible it was more than that), does she want to marry you for security( financial, emotional) or cause she believe's in what you believe. be real with your self you, alone know where you are in your relationship with her and if you want to continue with her, five years is a long time to throw away and start afresh, but lets face it watch and pray, it much better than alimony, emotional torture.

When it comes to relationships,dnt ever try to convince a woman to b wit u except u want perpetual heartbreak.If she stay on purpose then loving u in return will come natural to her. Your lady knows what she is putting u tru bt she cannot help it cos heart is somewhere else.You can confront her 1m times if u can,since her heart is nt wit u,watever u archiev 4rm dat wil only b temporal. Just try and put marriage plans wit her in abeyance.For me,she is 95% gone,sooner than later she wil tell u .

She is almost gone. Give her the space she wants since you've not confirmed she is two timing you. Let her be.maybe she'll realise your worth maybe she won't. Just don't monkey yourself in the process of trying to win her back.

@ poster: her behaviour stinks of cheating. Forget what she said about kissing, she admitted to that after u pressurized her. The question i'll ask is that have u cheated on her b4? if yes, then she has probably lost her trust for you and not sure about you any more. if no, please let her be. Marriage is not just about love. There are always signs of what to expect during marriage while dating/courtship. Run now when u have a chance. it is difficult when you are truly in love. But ur health and sanity depends not on love but on peace of mind. Never compromise that on the alter of love/marriage.

OP, tell the moderator to redirect this post to the family section, cos most of the posters in here are not married, and so lack experience on this very issue.

@OP, The truth is that she is dating another person. And you need to address the issue head on to get the fact. She does not want to be caught. If you want to know the truth. Kindly investigate properly and see how you can get your facts. Until you catch her red handed she will not open up to you and she will not care walking away. What she is currently doing is to eat her cake and also have it. She doesn't want to loose you and also don't want you to be the one to dump her. She prefers to be the one to dump you like thrash, so the earlier the better you address this situation by being very straight with her. List thought provoking questions that you will ask her and confront her without recourse to your heart or emotions. Use your brain to ask these questions. Get your facts and if need be, attempt to want to chase away the intruder and see what her reactions will be. Well if the other dude is very nice to her, you have lost her, but if the guy is just chop and clean mouth , you still have your girl's remnants to feed on.

dubezj:


That part is what I'm yet to resolve myself with. As i mentioned earlier, this decision was discussed with me. A location became free and she decided to acquire it. I asked how she intends to finance the project and where do i come in, but recieved no precise answer. Indeed, she started acting dodgy shortly after.

At my aggitated insistance yesterday, she claimed to have obtained a loan from her bank (I'm yet to see the paperwork). That was unnecessary if she'd kept me in the loop.

i tink d problem is related 2d financial aspect of her business. U nid a heart-to-heart tok wf ur lady IF u dont wonna lose her.

@op....has she bin unfaithful 2u in d tym past? Av u caught her in such 'acts' b4?

The truth is she is nolonger in love with u,the time she is asking u to give her is to know is the other guy will propose nd once he does,she will leave u without looking back or caring how feel at that time.nd she is also keeping u in case the guy dumps her,she will use u to heal her pains.she doesn't even care how u feel anymore that's why she didn't give u any responds when u asked where she went to. She doesn't want ur money for the business because she doesn't want to feel like she has sometin that belongs to u nd needs to pay back later with(marriage)being that she is nolonger sure of marrying u.she did not only kiss they guy,they hav made love nd I'm sure she doesn't let u tuoch her anymore.I'm sure this is what she says when ever u call her(why can't this boy leave me alone,why can't this boy stop disturbin my phone)nd when u go lock at her door,she will be like(when u finish locking u go). Now this is what u will do-never call her again becuase the more u call,the more irritated she gets.nd when u stop calling,she will start thinking u might hav found someone else nd will look for a way to come back nd make it up to u. If u ask her to make up her mind now,she will tell u to go on with the marriage plan nd after getting married to u,she will still be seeing the guy or even run away with him,because they will feel u stopped their love. Leave the girl,do other things nd stay with friends.it will be very hard but u need to,if not she will be gone 4ever. As for the guy,once he sees there is a competition,he will fight to finish.so stay off nd u will have her back.goodluck.

@Poster
You guys seem to me like you have a good thing going for you.
I hope you sort your problems and get things back to the way it used to be.

Thanks everyone for your thoughtful and reasonable contributions above.
Yes, you can recieve good advices here at Nairaland if you keep it to the facts.

Update:

I called her only confidant, a mutual girlfriend a few hours ago and laid bare my part of that story.obviously, she was clued in on the matter but swore to confidentiality. The other party is also an acquintance of her husband.

Now, our mutual friend told me that she did not believe they were dating,that she*s "madly" in love with me but then again, she's not privy to the information available to me.

Shortly after I had started this thread, an email was exchanged where she called him "baby" and he addressed her as "my heart".

It is armed with this information that I decided to go for the kill and I did.

I asked our friend to inform her that I am on my way to her place (70km ) and she need to come out and sort this with me. 5 minutes to destination, a text message arrived where she indicated that she will not be able to meet with me. I sent word back, informing that I'm around the corner and will at the least appreciate a phone call. A couple of sms exchanges later, she joined me in my car and we went down to the needy greedy.

I encouraged her to talk while i listened. she said that I have become different and puts her in a position where she constantly has to defend herself. she felt neglected, unimportant and other trivial occurences. she felt sad and cried most times then sort comfort elsewhere( pesin do you wrong come turn round blame you). said it was a kiss and not even a tongue kiss and in the presence of friends to make the man feel good about himself. She said it was a relationship that started from a situation that was of business nature, but now, the man is hot over pants after her.

My position was that I have no problems whatsoever if that is what she wanted. but then she will have to remain right there and a decision must fall right there and then. I also indicated that I expect all contact severed with this individual if we are to go back where we were. I also expressed my disgust at the fact that she will ever contemplate a deed of that nature. ( I suppose blow small grammer na).

Anyways, I have just returned home. I'm tired and need to get some sleep. gotta work in the morning. This is not just about her and what she wants to do. I am much "marriable" and extremely competitive in the marriage market place.

If she reverts back to the woman that i met and fell in love with, she will become mrs Dubezj. I will also take urgent steps to address the issues she raised where tenable. if not, we will both share other people's company and emotions.

The problem as i see it is not so much about me changing, but more about holding her more responsible to some of the things that i had looked away from as we dated. marriage and courtship are two different pair of shoes, it is that transition and the finality it brings with it that she is having issues with ( my subjective opinion)

I will carefully observe her behaviour in the coming days and make a decision for myself. If it ever comes out that this went beyond the said kissing, I'm outta here.

I thank our Ladies. same goes to the Fellas.

^^
Nice dude. Nice

Dats good.... I hope watever decision u two reach favours u both. U seem to have a good tin goin

great!