Okay o, Aunty Busy_body.
Its obvious there's something between some people that has nada to do with this thread, so....

jennykadry:

Isn't it common with Nigerians? Never in my years of living outside Nigeria, have any white person told me to my face....."Hey, you are the youngest here, let us with experience do the talking."

Do they (some Nigerians) feel inferior or what?

I believe that elders deserve a default respect, but I don't believe that they can never lose it. Africa is gonna stay in the doldrums of development until people are accorded respect and recognition on the strength of merit.

Ihave been following this thread from the beginning. I want to say this to some people making fun of this thread don't really know what the women had gone through. I was once a victim of verbal and physical abuse. My school boyfriend had hit me once or twice if I can recall but verbal abuse was the worst. To him I was a prostitute whenever I talked and laughed with coursemates. He tried cutting off all the guys from my tribe saying they can't visit me cos they ain't my brothers so that can sleep with me.

I was a memeber of one social gathering, he had once sneaked to come and see who I talk with and what I do there. If you hug a friend, it will be problem. If you left school by a certain and he will already calculate the time you are supposed to be in your bunk, and if you ain't there you branched a man's house.

Severally he has visited my house unannouced to ascertain whether am home or not. Even coming late hours, God help u he sees you tying towel for a night shower. It means you haven't been home and u went to a man's house.

I guess he suffers from low self esteem and having the mentality of control was the only way he could show he is a man. He runs people down to make himself feel important. If a friend buys anything, he will use his mouth to run the person down that the person went for an inferior item.

Haaaa phone, we quarrel a lot of times because of it. Any new contact on my fone is a problem. If a man calls me, why is the man calling me and when did I know him. If he wasn't sure he will pick my phone and call the person in my absence. Before i forget, he had anger issues too.

If he gives money to make my hair, the whole world will know "see my girlfriend isn't she looking good, I am taking care of her". Did I tell you guys, he will indirectly collects money from and you must not tell people that you gave him money. If we enter a bus from school and he doesn't have money to pay. You will give him your money codedly and he will use it to pay so thst it will look like he is the paying. God help you, if u didnt remember to give me and u pay. You are trying to show everyone that yu want to control him and you are flaunting your money.

I suffered in those years but I summoned up courage to leave the brook a$$. Though he still calls once in a while, but I never forgot those experience, he wanted to turn the outspoken girl to a timid girl (God forbid).

Icherishu: Ihave been following this thread from the beginning. I want to say this to some people making fun of this thread don't really know what the women had gone through. I was once a victim of verbal and physical abuse. My school boyfriend had hit me once or twice if I can recall but verbal abuse was the worst. To him I was a prostitute whenever I talked and laughed with coursemates. He tried cutting off all the guys from my tribe saying they can't visit me cos they ain't my brothers so that can sleep with me.

I was a memeber of one social gathering, he had once sneaked to come and see who I talk with and what I do there. If you hug a friend, it will be problem. If you left school by a certain and he will already calculate the time you are supposed to be in your bunk, and if you ain't there you branched a man's house.

Severally he has visited my house unannouced to ascertain whether am home or not. Even coming late hours, God help u he sees you tying towel for a night shower. It means you haven't been home and u went to a man's house.

I guess he suffers from low self esteem and having the mentality of control was the only way he could show he is a man. He runs people down to make himself feel important. If a friend buys anything, he will use his mouth to run the person down that the person went for an inferior item.

Haaaa phone, we quarrel a lot of times because of it. Any new contact on my fone is a problem. If a man calls me, why is the man calling me and when did I know him. If he wasn't sure he will pick my phone and call the person in my absence. Before i forget, he had anger issues too.

If he gives money to make my hair, the whole world will know "see my girlfriend isn't she looking good, I am taking care of her". Did I tell you guys, he will indirectly collects money from and you must not tell people that you gave him money. If we enter a bus from school and he doesn't have money to pay. You will give him your money codedly and he will use it to pay so thst it will look like he is the paying. God help you, if u didnt remember to give me and u pay. You are trying to show everyone that yu want to control him and you are flaunting your money.

I suffered in those years but I summoned up courage to leave the brook a$$. Though he still calls once in a while, but I never forgot those experience, he wanted to turn the outspoken girl to a timid girl (God forbid).

Sorry, dear - could you explain the bit in bold?

I don't understand how a mere boyfriend would have the guts to come visit your home, your parent's home late at night? And to cap it all, see you in a towel to ask questions about your movement?

Where were your parents in all of this? Your dad??

Efemena_xy:

Sorry, dear - could you explain the bit in bold?

I don't understand how a mere boyfriend would have the guts to come visit your home, your parent's home late at night? And to cap it all, see you in a towel to ask questions about your movement?

Where were your parents in all of this? Your dad??

I think she meant he hostel . . . in school!

Okay, unless that then. 'Cos I swear I did see the phrase "my house" there...

Some students rent off campus apartments due to over crowding in the hostel and shortage of rooms.
These places are usually close to the school and house other students too

Icherishu:
I suffered in those years but I summoned up courage to leave the brook a$$.

Kudo's to you for freeing yourself from his shackles.

More info about abuse.

.......The Tension Building/Explosion Model may also be used to blame the victim for the abuse. If she would just keep the children quieter or keep the house clean there would be less stress in the household. It becomes the victim's responsibility to keep the abuse from happening. Due to our socialization process, it is common for women in our society to feel responsible for making a relationship "work" and the Tension Building/Explosion Model of the Cycle of Violence only feeds into those stereotypes.

Since 1983, advocates for women who are abused have found the cycle presented in the next topic to be a more accurate representation of what occurs when someone chooses to be violent.

Domestic violence may seem unpredictable, simply an outburst related just to the moment and to the circumstances in the lives of the people involved. In fact, however, domestic violence follows a typical pattern no matter when it occurs or who is involved. The pattern, or cycle, repeats; each time the level of his violence may increase. At every stage in the cycle, the abuser is fully in control of himself and is working to control and further isolate his victim.

Understanding the cycle of violence and the thinking of the abuser helps survivors recognize they truly are not to blame for the violence they have suffered and that the abuser is the one responsible.


Six distinct stages make up the cycle of violence: the set-up, the abuse, the abuser's feelings of "guilt" and his fear of reprisal, his rationalization, his shift to non-abusive and charming behavior, and his fantasies and plans for the next time he will abuse.

Abuse,
Abuse can be emotional, physical, sexual, psychological, economic, and social (please refer to the Patterns of Abuse).

Guilt.
A non-abusive person experiences guilt very differently than an abusive person. A non-abusive person feels guilty about how they have impacted the life of the person they harmed (victim-directed guilt). An abuser experiences self-directed guilt. He does not feel guilty or sorry for hurting his victim. He may apologize for his behavior, but his apology is designed so that he will not face consequences or be held accountable. The goal of the guilt stage is to reassure himself that he will not be caught or face consequences.

Rationalization.
The abuser makes excuses and blames the victim for his behavior. Common excuses usually revolve around the abuser being intoxicated or abused as a child. However, alcohol use and being abused as a child does not cause the abuser to be violent. Common victim blaming statements usually focus on the victim's behavior. For example, "If you had the house cleaned, I wouldn't have had to hit you," or, "If you had cooked dinner on time, I wouldn't have had to hit you." The goal of this stage is to abdicate responsibility for his behavior.

"Normal" Behavior.
During this stage, the abuser may use different tactics to achieve his goal to regain power over the victim. The abuser may act as though nothing happened - everything is normal. This can be crazy making for victims, as they do not understand how he could pretend nothing happened.

If the victim has visible injuries, she will have to explain how she got them. This is designed to maintain the normalcy of the relationship. The goal of this stage is to keep the victim in the relationship and present the relationship as normal.

Another tactic an abuser may use after he has chosen to be violent is to become the thoughtful, charming, loyal, and kind person with whom the victim fell in love. He may take her out to dinner, buy her flowers and convince her he will change. This can be a huge incentive for women to stay or return to the abuser because they believe that this time he really will change. (See the section, Is He Really Going to Change? for more information)

Fantasy and Planning.
Abuse is planned. In the initial stages, an abuser fantasizes or has a mental picture of the next time he will abuse the victim. During the fantasy and planning stage, the abuser is the actor, producer, director and the star.

The abuser experiences his power from activating the fantasy. The planning phase details more specifically what the abuser will need to have and to do in order to abuse his partner.

Abusers may spend minutes, hours or days fantasizing about what the victim has done “wrong” and how he is going to make her “pay”. Most often he will fantasize she is having an affair. Most abused women do not have the time, energy, or interest in having an affair. However, it is the most common accusation, because she can never prove she is not having an affair.

Set-up.
This is when the abuser puts his plan into action. He sets the victim up.

The Full Cycle.

Here is an example of the cycle of violence through all its phases:

A man abuses his partner. After he hits her, he experiences self-directed guilt. He says, "I'm sorry for hurting you." What he does not say is, "Because I might get caught."

He then rationalizes his behavior by saying that his partner is having an affair with someone. He tells her "If you weren't such a worthless LovePeddler I wouldn't have to hit you." He then acts contrite, reassuring her that he will not hurt her again.

He then fantasizes and reflects on past abuse and how he will hurt her again. He plans on telling her to go to the store to get some groceries. What he withholds from her is that she has a certain amount of time to do the shopping. When she is held up in traffic and is a few minutes late, he feels completely justified in assaulting her because "you're having an affair with the store clerk." He has just set her up.

http://www.wcstjoco.org/blog/domestic-violence.html


Sorry it's so long. I just thought it was very informative. Honestly if anyone is interested in visiting that link, it is a priceless and informative site.

debrief08: Some students rent off campus apartments due to over crowding in the hostel and shortage of rooms.
These places are usually close to the school and house other students too

Ah! I get you now. How could I forget sef?

E don tey sha

@Ujujoan thank you, you have given debrief the right answer.
@Debrief I schooled outside the state where my parents resided. I stayed off campus, so he could walk in walk out without being question. He verbally tongue lashed me at any given opportunity. He will tell me how people from my ehtnicity are wayward and so he warned me that the day he takes me to his house. I shouldn't tell his parents am from that local government but another one. He will go and dick information from friends, where n where I went to. There is a day he tongue lashed so much that his female neighbour in his off campus told him he took me to go and give a man. See me see wahala o. The day he hit me that I had waist pain for a week was the day he forced me to take him to one guy's house that wooed me. Me in my naivety or abi fear took him. The guy had to run and high because he feared my boyfriend and his friends were cultist.

Guys, you can imagine he started sleeping with a small girl in his compound. The girl was spending money on him, he kept on telling me the girl only comes to watch a movie. Not knowing he had told the that I am wayward so he is calling it quits with me. meanwhile, the girl had a room mate that monitored when I am coming so she would shout n greet me and the f00ls will adjust before I enter the room. Later he started abandoning me when I am around to stay with the girl in his room even till late hours pretending to be helping her with some stuffs. The girl in question stopped greeting me, yet they continued.

I suffered eh but he was the good man and me the wayward girl. That semester I had a GP of third class. Haba, na man my parents send me? I endured till I went for my industrial attachment, I stopped picking his calls. Don't forget I had tried breaking up few times, he will cry and kneel down and beg. He will send his friends. He will even stalked me always by coming to my class to pretend as if he wants to greet friends but truly to see whom I am with. During that IT period, I didnt call nor text. He kept calling untill he was tired.

Final year resumption, don't know who told him am back. He came to my place, knelt down n beg. See mumu I forgave him o, but darlings it didnt last again for 3 weeks. I was fed up when he started that st00pid behaviour again. I left for good.

Staying for the sake of the children - Please listen to how happy this child is growing up in a two parent home in spite of the violence.

[flash=560,315]
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gHEIC9HKdY4?version=3&hl=en_US&rel=0[/flash]

Wow, so so true, Thanks for the information.
True the make up is usually very grand and if you have not done it over and over again you will be tempted to believe "this time its real".
If a woman is the abuser, this is the time she cooks the best meals, wears the s3xiest nighty, gives the best love making, is the most quiet and obiedient.
In my case, this was the time when he will go with me to the salon, kiss me every minute and to looker ons we were picture perfect, this was when there will be great gifts, grand dinners, lovely love making very considerate.
We will hold hands every where, at first I will be all over the moon, but it became all to familiar. So much so that when the good times come I will be afraid waiting and expecting the bad times.
I actually prefered at one point the unhappy times because it made me look forward to the good times than the good times because I knew another act was around the corner.
Imagine being with someone who is with you every minute, checking on you doting on you, buying gifts, treating you like a queen and just when you relax and smile, he strikes and each time worse than the last.
He could disappear for weeks, then you run into your husband with a lady somewhere, infact a prostitute is better than you because she has customers, you no one wants youthe day he comes home you are walking on egg shells, the smallest thing will trigger violence infact, he comes in full of insults and reasons why he can't stand staying in the same house with you.
You are a fellow man, you are a pretender, you are a prostitute, your mates have babies instead of you to stop working and concentrate on giving your husband babies you are being stuborn and not submissive. Infact go and beg God to forgive you for your sins, you must have committed an unpardonable sin if not with all your church church no s3x before marriage yet you cant have a child, you and your father should go and ask God, confess what you did, God will not forsake anyone who truly serves him oh, Go and confess your hidden sins (sounds very familiar )
, continue, soon a pregnant woman will replace you .
Forgive my rant abeg, that post took me back. No vex, I no talk again

Na wa o. Can't believe this thread has generated so much bad-blood and such heated arguments. Been waiting and hoping all the counter attacks will cease. Anyway, I'm sure in all these people can still pick one or two lessons, 'cos I did.

@Icherishu- I've been trying to convince myself we didn't date the same guy. They sound so alike. That 'codedly giving him money in the bus so he won't accuse you for showing off' stunt, it was spot on. Did it often. And announcing to everyone when he happens to give you money for your hair. Not to mention trying to dictate how you spend the money your parents sent to you so that he'll get some change out of it... Anyway sha, I've been in a relationship with another guy, and he was so nice and caring and sensible and responsible, I wonder why I once thought I could settle for trash. Though we're not together now, its 'cos of circumstances beyond our control, but any man I'll end up marrying must live up to responsible standards. I can't be trying my best to be a good 'wife' while someone else is trying his best to be a 'monster'.

Icherishu: @Ujujoan thank you, you have given debrief the right answer.
@Debrief I schooled outside the state where my parents resided. I stayed off campus, so he could walk in walk out without being question. He verbally tongue lashed me at any given opportunity. He will tell me how people from my ehtnicity are wayward and so he warned me that the day he takes me to his house. I shouldn't tell his parents am from that local government but another one. He will go and dick information from friends, where n where I went to. There is a day he tongue lashed so much that his female neighbour in his off campus told him he took me to go and give a man. See me see wahala o. The day he hit me that I had waist pain for a week was the day he forced me to take him to one guy's house that wooed me. Me in my naivety or abi fear took him. The guy had to run and high because he feared my boyfriend and his friends were cultist.

Guys, you can imagine he started sleeping with a small girl in his compound. The girl was spending money on him, he kept on telling me the girl only comes to watch a movie. Not knowing he had told the that I am wayward so he is calling it quits with me. meanwhile, the girl had a room mate that monitored when I am coming so she would shout n greet me and the f00ls will adjust before I enter the room. Later he started abandoning me when I am around to stay with the girl in his room even till late hours pretending to be helping her with some stuffs. The girl in question stopped greeting me, yet they continued.

I suffered eh but he was the good man and me the wayward girl. That semester I had a GP of third class. Haba, na man my parents send me? I endured till I went for my industrial attachment, I stopped picking his calls. Don't forget I had tried breaking up few times, he will cry and kneel down and beg. He will send his friends. He will even stalked me always by coming to my class to pretend as if he wants to greet friends but truly to see whom I am with. During that IT period, I didnt call nor text. He kept calling untill he was tired.

Final year resumption, don't know who told him am back. He came to my place, knelt down n beg. See mumu I forgave him o, but darlings it didnt last again for 3 weeks. I was fed up when he started that st00pid behaviour again. I left for good.

That bit alone was more than enough reason to dump him like a hot piece of coal.

No offence intended, but I'm wondering: Why did it take you so long? What was going through you mind while all of everything you've just posted, was happening? Surely you must have known, this is NOT normal! I know you were probably very young - late teens / early twenties but even then??

I guess the "good" thing that comes out of situations like this, is that victims (if lucky to escape), can look back and never settle for less. They're now equipped to look out for the signs albeit red flags and they ask themselves: Why in the world did I let things get that far?

He does not
feel guilty or sorry for hurting his victim. He
may apologize for his behavior, but his
apology is designed so that he will not face
consequences or be held accountable. The
goal of the guilt stage is to reassure himself
that he will not be caught or face
consequences.

The abuser may act
as though nothing happened - everything is
normal. This can be crazy making for victims,
as they do not understand how he could
pretend nothing happened.

hmmmn..
....all too familiar...
I can relate to this perfectly well!!

Efemena_xy:

That bit alone was more than enough reason to dump him like a hot piece of coal.

No offence intended, but I'm wondering: Why did it take you so long? What was going through you mind while all of everything you've just posted, was happening? Surely you must have known, this is NOT normal! I know you were probably very young - late teens / early twenties but even then??

I guess the "good" thing that comes out of situations like this, is that victims (if lucky to escape), can look back and never settle for less. They're now equipped to look out for the signs albeit red flags and they ask themselves: Why in the world did I let things get that far?

We are taught to be submissive and patient, "It is a mans world" " men are babies" " be patient he will change, you can change him, conquer him with love" " Pray for him, no man is perfect, the next man may be worse

^^ Yeah, I get you on that point Debrief...but you've got to admit those "words of advice" are geared more towards the married woman.

What we have here is a very young girl, still very much under the care of her parents, being bossed around by a boyfriend?? Boyfriend o! Not husband!!

Okay, tell me this in all honesty...if your ex had done half of what this girl's ex did to her...would you have married him??

@Deepwater I guess all of them possess the same controlling traits. Money sent to me by my parents are usually planned for by him. He ll say "sweetheart we need to buy that stuff" I will st00pidly give him the money not that I was comfortable. When he has his own, he will tell the whole world he gave me money to look as if he is taking care of me. When you look inward, he would have ended collecting more from me than he gave me. So I was always pissed with this attitude.

@Efemena, that time he was with the girl, he felt I didn't trust him when he told me they were not dating. Why didn't I leave? I think I was afraid I won't be able to break off cos in our faculty and our off campus everyone knew us. I was afraid of what people will say. I was in my early twenties but dear I was foolish at that age to allow him treat me that way.

Settle for less? Never I took a decision and when I left I watched out for red flags in men. Any signs na Ben Johnson. A guy came after some years later, it was just few sentences that I used to send him away. "After marriage I can't allow you to be on facebook" "kai if my girl's ex calls my wife, I will kill the guy". What rubbish, can you imagine that? I realised he had trust issues, I ran away again. I had promised myself that it won't happen twice. Up till now, he is still looking for Miss perfect, he will send a message to ask his opinion on a girl he wants to marry. "Baby, did you see my girl's page, did u see the guy that commented on her pics"? "She has a lot of male friends and I think she is dating that particular one that keeps on commenting on her page". OMG some men sure have problem and self esteem issues.

...and still they press on . Going round in ever decresing circles. Unable to join the dots, spot the patterns and re-affirm the God given paths that would solve all this. Instead they insist on their own way. Puffed up and heartily commending themselves, they rejoice in their folly.

As for ascribing blame, here's an insight for you;

A large number of women freely offer themselves up to be abused, to a large degree aided and abetted by their parents, particularly their mothers.

TV

Icherishu: @Deepwater I guess all of them possess the same controlling traits. Money sent to me by my parents are usually planned for by him. He ll say "sweetheart we need to buy that stuff" I will st00pidly give him the money not that I was comfortable. When he has his own, he will tell the whole world he gave me money to look as if he is taking care of me. When you look inward, he would have ended collecting more from me than he gave me. So I was always pissed with this attitude.

@Efemena, that time he was with the girl, he felt I didn't trust him when he told me they were not dating. Why didn't I leave? I think I was afraid I won't be able to break off cos in our faculty and our off campus everyone knew us. I was afraid of what people will say. I was in my early twenties but dear I was foolish at that age to allow him treat me that way.

Settle for less? Never I took a decision and when I left I watched out for red flags in men. Any signs na Ben Johnson. A guy came after some years later, it was just few sentences that I used to send him away. "After marriage I can't allow you to be on facebook" "kai if my girl's ex calls my wife, I will kill the guy". What rubbish, can you imagine that? I realised he had trust issues, I ran away again. I had promised myself that it won't happen twice. Up till now, he is still looking for Miss perfect, he will send a message to ask his opinion on a girl he wants to marry. "Baby, did you see my girl's page, did u see the guy that commented on her pics"? "She has a lot of male friends and I think she is dating that particular one that keeps on commenting on her page". OMG some men sure have problem and self esteem issues.

That bit got me smiling. Good on you girl.

Yes, we are allowed a certain level of silliness in our youth. How else do we learn from our mistakes?

Re: Your ex asking your opinion on the morality of girls he intends to date...abeg advice him to address and sort out his emotional issues first. He needs help - possibly a couple of sessions with a good shrink. Then and only then should he think about getting back into the dating game.

Efemena_xy: ^^ Yeah, I get you on that point Debrief...but you've got to admit those "words of advice" are geared more towards the married woman.

What we have here is a very young girl, still very much under the care of her parents, being bossed around by a boyfriend?? Boyfriend o! Not husband!!

Okay, tell me this in all honesty...if your ex had done half of what this girl's ex did to her...would you have married him??

No oh, single girls are asked "how many men will you date?" If you leave this one what guarantee is there that the next one will be better? You dont know you are getting old, just manage this one at least he likes you. do you know how many women over 35 are looking for any type of man at all? Stop being picky, dont worry he will change

Efe I wish you will come and spend more time with young ladies believe me, it takes months when am talking to these girls to change their mindset, infact go to the romance section

TV01: ...and still they press on . Going round in ever decresing circles. Unable to join the dots, spot the patterns and re-affirm the God given paths that would solve all this. Instead they insist on their own way. Puffed up and heartily commending themselves, they rejoice in their folly.

As for ascribing blame, here's an insight for you;

A large number of women freely offer themselves up to be abused, to a large degree aided and abetted by their parents, particularly their mothers.

TV

I don't know what you're on about here Mr TV01, but you certainly come across as a self-centered, unaccommodating "Christian".

If I were a muslim, Hindu, atheist, what sort of advice would you give me, if I were seeking help on issues relating to abuse?

debrief08:
No oh, single girls are asked "how many men will you date?" If you leave this one what guarantee is there that the next one will be better? You dont know you are getting old, just manage this one at least he likes you. do you know how many women over 35 are looking for any type of man at all? Stop being picky, dont worry he will change

Debrief!!!

You've just taken me down on a trip on memory lane (abeg can't remember exactly how that's meant to be said...trip down memory lane??)

That was one of the very, very last conversations I and a couple of girlfriends had back at uni. We'd taken all our exams, heck, even gotten our results and transcripts. I think that was our last evening together and this issue of men and marriage came up. You won't believe it but one of my coursemates - first class material had said:

"If your husband cheats on you..." at which point, I interrupted and said - "Then I'm out of that marriage!" and the rest of the girls rounded up on me saying...

"Yeah, so what guarantees do you have that the next one won't do the same, if not worse to you?" Men, I nor get answer then. So yes, it would have been kind of hard (then) to see things the way I see them (now).

Oh well, maturity they say, comes with age...

TV01: ...and still they press on . Going round in ever decresing circles. Unable to join the dots, spot the patterns and re-affirm the God given paths that would solve all this. Instead they insist on their own way. Puffed up and heartily commending themselves, they rejoice in their folly.

As for ascribing blame, here's an insight for you;

A large number of women freely offer themselves up to be abused, to a large degree aided and abetted by their parents, particularly their mothers.

TV

Oga I thought we had passed this na, I already confessed, am a miserable disobeidient sinner and my sins got me what i deserved. Do you want it in writing and translated into major languages? I don confess na.

debrief08:
No oh, single girls are asked "how many men will you date?" If you leave this one what guarantee is there that the next one will be better? You dont know you are getting old, just manage this one at least he likes you. do you know how many women over 35 are looking for any type of man at all? Stop being picky, dont worry he will change

You couldn't have said it better.
A case of the devil you know is better than the Angel you don't.

@Efe don't mind him make him d deceive himself. He thinks he is comfortable n rich. So girls are d one falling over him. So to him he is d one finding it hard 2 choose from base on trust. Not minding that he has d most faults. To him, nuffin is wrong with him. He just need a trust worthy girl. Trustworthy 2 him means u won't keep male friends, u won't b on any socail network, u won't own a BB. If a man smiles @ u it is an offence to smile back. All these I read from him wen he comes 2 me 4 advice. I think we ladies need 2 build our self esteem n believ that with or without a man we can make it, earn a living. Know wen to walk away wen we see the redflags.

Maran1983 and Icherishu have recently commented. Painfull experiences to be sure.

They join Freecocoa, Deepwater and Baby123. Young ladies, around (at the time of the incidents) of or around college age. Indeed at college.

Isn't it instructive that they all were very explicit about "how together" they were/are? No lack of self-esteem or self-awareness in any of the instances.

Yet none of them were mature enough or posessed the understanding to not only avoid violent/abusive young men, they actually entered into and endured relationships with them. Suffering horrors.

The main reason? Although many here will scream and champion their rights as adults, they simply are not mature enough to handle adult intimate relationships at that age or been instructed about intimacy in the correct paradigm. With all the self-esteem in the world, it's setting them up to fall.

I earlier referenced the thread - the fake superstory concerned mother of college daughter - where this arguement was raised, and posed some questions about how we raise our children. I was labelled naive. Of couse they must have sex they are old enough to choose. Their prescribed remedy? Wink, get them some street smarts and condoms and hope they avoid STDs and unwanted pregnancies. Plus they are always other remedies even for these right !

We are so much smarter and up to date than the God aren't we - even though we pay Him lip-service? Oh darn, we forgot about the potential damage done from these kind of relationships outside of those two things. Not to worry, we'll just mount campaigns villyfying men and let the abusers take the rap. No accountability, culpability, responsibility, blame or fault on our part. Please, lets get back to our circles. Lots of decreasing still to be done.

WHEN YOUNG WOMEN ARE FREE TO AND ENCOURAGED TO BE INTIMATE WITH MEN, THEY ARE BEING ABUSED. REGARDLESS OF HOW BLISSFULLY SWEET OR EXTREMELY VIOLENT THE RELATIONSHIP IS.

Then you start other threads asking "How much of our past should we reveal to potential spouses?" Two words; dots and join.

Freecocoa can even come up in here, give advice, coruscate people with alternate POV, while she's in an unheathy relationship. How ironic is that? And none of the on-message crew could simply say "stand-down". No, no, no, instead they got all cryptic. How hypocritical.

Forget about the anomoly of the sugar daddy thing for now, but where young men are going into your daughters, they consider your daughters prey. Or if kind, game - and in some ways those two things are the same thing.

Baby123 even talked about the brutish way her brothers talked about women. Immature women and callow youth. Could there be a more toxic mix?

Self esteem is not the key. Thats merely a coded way of saying proud.


Instead of treading the paths that lead to peace, you wilfully chart your own courses and then spend your time building institutions to deal with the symptons of your short-sightedness and rebellion. NGO's, Parastatals and the like, for the aid of victims would be largely unnecessary. You say you're not having pity parties? Well of course you're not, you're proud of the works of your hands. Besides, building industries is way more fun.

Let those who have understanding nurture their offspring well.

Best
TV

Excuse me MrTV01, I never said that I have been in or endured an abusive relationship neither have I been abused by my boyfriend per se, I'm only looking out for signs so please know what you are saying.

debrief08:
Oga I thought we had passed this na, I already confessed, am a miserable disobeidient sinner and my sins got me what i deserved. Do you want it in writing and translated into major languages? I don confess na.

Learned friend, why are you so insistent?

No one asked you for a confession and no one condenmed you.

You villified everyone in your testimony except your second husband, whom you described as "A covenant man and a gift from God". Yet you claim you were faithfull to God from start to finish.

All we would like to understand is what was God's involvement as per husband number 1? Was he not a covenant gift from God? If he wasn't, why was there no sign, if he was, why did he turn demonic and God not intervene. Or was Gods leading too divorce? In all of this, what was the divine purpose of what you went through?

It's only a question. Far from calling you anything, you have declared yourself blameless, even it seems willing to deflect blame to the heavens.

Oh yeah, I figured out the name of the dance your doing; how could I be so slow? It's the "pants on fire" dance.

So "Debrief the Beatified", please ansa qweshun.

Go DB, go DB....

TV

^^ Are the taunts and snide remarks necessary?

TV01:

Learned friend, why are you so insistent?

No one asked you for a confession and no one condenmed you.

You villified everyone in your testimony except your second husband, whom you described as "A covenant man and a gift from God". Yet you claim you were faithfull to God from start to finish.

All we would like to understand is what was God's involvement as per husband number 1? Was he not a covenant gift from God? If he wasn't, why was there no sign, if he was, why did he turn demonic and God not intervene. Or was Gods leading too divorce? In all of this, what was the divine purpose of what you went through?

It's only a question. Far from calling you anything, you have declared yourself blameless, even it seems willing to deflect blame to the heavens.

Oh yeah, I figured out the name of the dance your doing; how could I be so slow? It's the "pants on fire" dance.

So "Debrief the Beatified", please ansa qweshun.

Go DB, go DB....

TV

, thank you