Damn! This section's got some serious drama.

Busy_body:
Hmmm, this is the reason for there paranoia sending them into overdrive and reason for them closing ranks. And their sycophants are not helping matter tripping themselves up to muffle people with an alternate POV, ludicrously reading meaning into forumites innocuous comments.


They fear that these questions would open them up to there faults, whereas people asking were not doing so to condemn but to genuinely find out hints and tips on what to look out for. . .

finally - there's a ray of hope for humanity!
i was starting to think everyone else has gone loco and cannot see this whole charade!

ferhyntorlah:

Thank you for taking time to drop your comment; even though it's a painful experience, this experience will help single ladies to watch out for signs of an abuser.

I would love to read more about your experiences. Thank God you came out of it.

Hmmmm, I suppose you didn't get the amplified message of the self-appointed megaphone crew that this thread is not set up to ask such questions. And what is the asinine reason they are cackling about - they claim that by asking these questions you are an insensitive bully who is asking victim like Maran "tell us what you did wrong"

They tell you, you see things from every psychotic people's point of view, that you also see things through a r.apist point of view, a p.edophile's point of view, a serial killer's point of view and that you are the type that blames a rape victim for wearing short skirts. So mind what questions you ask before they turn you into an enemy of the state too.

jennykadry:

I know I have been accused of not telling you the truth or told you what to do with your bf even though my my answer is right there in my post . If you read that post of mine very well without letting your emotions get in the way, you will be able to make a decision that will benefit you. There is a reason why I asked you to use your head and not your heart.

Jenny
My post WAS CLEARLY "NOT" addressed to you. The hypocrite that messsage was intended for got the message. You know your name is never far from my fingertip so trust me if I have any message for you, you will get it.

Tgirl4real:

BB, as a woman I don't join the pitty party. I see women forming alliances against their husbands all in the name of being the weaker sex and d one always at d receiving end. They usually don't want to deal with the root cause of the problem. I believe in most cases, we are the cause of our mis-fortune.

However, no matter the situation, no one should condone abuse in whatever form.

You are 100% accurate, and no one is condoning abuse here at all.

To everyone who has contributed one way or the other to this thread, big kudos to you all. Aunty Jenny, you're a role model, thanks for the thread. Aunty debrief, you're a priceless jewel, you're greatly cherished. I have a question for mamas in the house. Actually, maybe the question has been treated before, i don't know because i couldn't go through the 25 pages but if it has, just tell me, so, i'll go and continue from where i stopped.

I have a friend(male) and we're quite close. But my problem with him is that he is too controlling. And this might sound weird, but i pity the woman he's going to marry someday (even though there's nobody, yet). There are all these signs all over him that he's going to be a control freak. I tell him most times to watch it but he just believes women are property. Out of pity, i always think that maybe as a friend, i can do something to help the woman he's going to marry but i seriously don't have any idea on what to do. Take note, he's a christian (as far as i can tell) who wouldn't believe in divorce or beating of wife (i guess, only God sees the heart, though), but what of making the wife feel worthless and all of that. So, please, what can i do for him?

alutacontinua: To everyone who has contributed one way or the other to this thread, big kudos to you all. Aunty Jenny, you're a role model, thanks for the thread. Aunty debrief, you're a priceless jewel, you're greatly cherished. I have a question for mamas in the house. Actually, maybe the question has been treated before, i don't know because i couldn't go through the 25 pages but if it has, just tell me, so, i'll go and continue from where i stopped.

I have a friend(male) and we're quite close. But my problem with him is that he is too controlling. And this might sound weird, but i pity the woman he's going to marry someday (even though there's nobody, yet). There are all these signs all over him that he's going to be a control freak. I tell him most times to watch it but he just believes women are property. Out of pity, i always think that maybe as a friend, i can do something to help the woman he's going to marry but i seriously don't have any idea on what to do. Take note, he's a christian (as far as i can tell) who wouldn't believe in divorce or beating of wife (i guess, only God sees the heart, though), but what of making the wife feel worthless and all of that. So, please, what can i do for him?

Well, you need to be a bit more explicit here. What exactly do you mean by "Control Freak"? Has he got:

~ Issues with managing his anger / rage? If that's the case, then book him for a couple of anger management sessions

~ Does he have a tendency to get physical / violent when upset? If he does, then he needs to see a good shrink. One who'd sit him on a comfy sofa, curtains drawn in a dark room and encourage him to take a trip down memory lane. That trip to his past / childhood would help the psychologist ascertain whether his problems are deep rooted and occured during his formative years as a child. They'll both go as far back as needed to see where things went wrong (his upbringing? environment he was raised in? his parents relationship with each other?)

~ Seeing as you're worried for his future wife (even though he hasn't got one yet), advice him to undertake some pre-marriage lessons before tying the knot.

Busy_body please, I'm kinda lost as to what your point is on this issue, do you also believe this a pity thread? Do you believe that violence can be excused in some cases? I honestly don't know where you stand, its probably the big words confusing me, can you please help a sister out?

efemena - i answered u

Tgirl4real:

BB, as a woman I don't join the pitty party. I see women forming alliances against their husbands all in the name of being the weaker sex and d one always at d receiving end. They usually don't want to deal with the root cause of the problem. I believe in most cases, we are the cause of our mis-fortune.

However, no matter the situation, no one should condone abuse in whatever form.

You know, what I think people who want "balance" and "rationality" are missing is that this discussion is about how to get out. It's not entirely what caused the abuse that's the issue.

The fact is that an abusee is generally resigned to their lot, and mostly because they tend to think that they brought it upon themselves. It's not alien to me. Abuse is rife in every kind of relationship: ruler/ruled, parent/child, older sibling/younger, elders/youth, spouse/spouse, teacher/pupil. It's everywhere. To bring it out might need a trigger of some sort, but that is not the issue here.

The issue here is that it's already out and destroying lives. Now, how do people caught in it beat it? The questions that deal with how it began, what the victim did about it are essentially carry-ons. By that I do not mean that they're not relevant, just that they're not the main thrust.

However, even if we were to deal with how the victims found themselves in their calamity, does it have to be with the kind of blind and woefully arrogant insensitivity that some questions have been asked? Take for instance the insistence that warning signs were ignored prior to marriage. I told my own story to explain that. Short of a work of God or a crisis of some form, people are capable of carrying on a charade about their personality for a very long time. It's not easy to know who a person really is especially when you're still confused about who you are.

I have expressed different views from my friends who went through hell and they did not feel threatened. Why are they troubled by other views that more or less also agree with me? Because those views are woefully lacking in sympathy. They wallow in arrogance and self-righteousness.

I believe that people should be more careful picking their mates. I think that no one should usurp their partner's place in the marriage alliance. But I can never see that abuse of any form, no matter the gender of the perpetrator, can ever be excused. "He/she made me do it" is as puerile an excuse as they come.

Having said that, these women have been hurt. There's no real gain in hurting them anymore.

I see the mouse has come out to play. Abeg enjoy. I truly couldn't be arsed about a nuisance that can't even get a simple thing as her beef straight. Talking shyte about someone repeatedly dredging up a post from years ago I don't know how I could have been involved in dredging up a post from years ago when I only started frequenting and joined NL this year. This clown is carrying beef but does not even know who the beef is for or what it's about. In ignore mode in the thread? So that's what they call ranting unrelentingly in a thread post after post against an opponent that's nowhere to be found? Heaven forbid we ever get to witness you in engage mode then.

Please carry on constituting a nuisance from thread to thread. It really suits you. Britney Spears!! Bwahahaha

cotton101: efemena - i answered u

Yeah, I saw your response cotton...

Ihedinobi:

The issue here is that it's already out and destroying lives. Now, how do people caught in it beat it? The questions that deal with how it began, what the victim did about it are essentially carry-ons. By that I do not mean that they're not relevant, just that they're not the main thrust.

However, even if we were to deal with how the victims found themselves in their calamity, does it have to be with the kind of blind and woefully arrogant insensitivity that some questions have been asked?

Aa ma da fun e o! (E go better for you)

Ihedinobi:

You know, what I think people who want "balance" and "rationality" are missing is that this discussion is about how to get out. It's not entirely what caused the abuse that's the issue.

The fact is that an abusee is generally resigned to their lot, and mostly because they tend to think that they brought it upon themselves. It's not alien to me. Abuse is rife in every kind of relationship: ruler/ruled, parent/child, older sibling/younger, elders/youth, spouse/spouse, teacher/pupil. It's everywhere. To bring it out might need a trigger of some sort, but that is not the issue here.

The issue here is that it's already out and destroying lives. Now, how do people caught in it beat it? The questions that deal with how it began, what the victim did about it are essentially carry-ons. By that I do not mean that they're not relevant, just that they're not the main thrust.

However, even if we were to deal with how the victims found themselves in their calamity, does it have to be with the kind of blind and woefully arrogant insensitivity that some questions have been asked? Take for instance the insistence that warning signs were ignored prior to marriage. I told my own story to explain that. Short of a work of God or a crisis of some form, people are capable of carrying on a charade about their personality for a very long time. It's not easy to know who a person really is especially when you're still confused about who you are.

I have expressed different views from my friends who went through hell and they did not feel threatened. Why are they troubled by other views that more or less also agree with me? Because those views are woefully lacking in sympathy. They wallow in arrogance and self-righteousness.

I believe that people should be more careful picking their mates. I think that no one should usurp their partner's place in the marriage alliance. But I can never see that abuse of any form, no matter the gender of the perpetrator, can ever be excused. "He/she made me do it" is as puerile an excuse as they come.

Having said that, these women have been hurt. There's no real gain in hurting them anymore.

*clapping*. You know what? You totally get it. Those arguing unnecessary and trying to get attention are truly wasting their time, because this thread is not about a debate of opposing or whatever. To even find women who blame other women for abuse is quite ridiculous. But can you blame them? When this is what they have been raised with. Some will even tell you to lick your husband*s yansh if it will make him happy. If that doesn't work nko? What else? Roll over and die? How long does a person please another human being at the expense of their lives and happiness. To feel like we have to go against the grain we have to be very careful. We are talking about adults here and not kids. As an adult you take responsibility for your actions. This is why I insist that sometimes common sense is absent with some people. If someone can push you so much to hurt them then you both are not right for each other. Simples. Some people think if they ignore and find excuses the problem will go away. In conclusion, I hail the people that have the time for the useless distracting arguments. Too much time I swear. Where is Jenny to keep the thread moving forward? SMH.

It's definitely smoking in here.

Not here to apportion blames or question anyone's experience, all I know is that men are just as easily susceptible and very rarely live to tell their stories. Most times they get killed by the supposed weaker sex. One of my male cousins was a victim and he did not live to tell his story, unfortunately no one could really help him, he was abandoned to his fate and died as a result. His abuser also died from an accident within a few years of her victim's death rendering 3 young children under 15 orphans

Clearly, men are not going share their experiences especially in a strongly patriarchal society like Nigeria for that matter, domestic abuse/violence is serious and should not be trivialised by turning it into an 'us' and 'them' issue.

Ihedinobi:

You know, what I think people who want "balance" and "rationality" are missing is that this discussion is about how to get out. It's not entirely what caused the abuse that's the issue.

The fact is that an abusee is generally resigned to their lot, and mostly because they tend to think that they brought it upon themselves. It's not alien to me. Abuse is rife in every kind of relationship: ruler/ruled, parent/child, older sibling/younger, elders/youth, spouse/spouse, teacher/pupil. It's everywhere. To bring it out might need a trigger of some sort, but that is not the issue here.

The issue here is that it's already out and destroying lives. Now, how do people caught in it beat it? The questions that deal with how it began, what the victim did about it are essentially carry-ons. By that I do not mean that they're not relevant, just that they're not the main thrust.

However, even if we were to deal with how the victims found themselves in their calamity, does it have to be with the kind of blind and woefully arrogant insensitivity that some questions have been asked? Take for instance the insistence that warning signs were ignored prior to marriage. I told my own story to explain that. Short of a work of God or a crisis of some form, people are capable of carrying on a charade about their personality for a very long time. It's not easy to know who a person really is especially when you're still confused about who you are.

I have expressed different views from my friends who went through hell and they did not feel threatened. Why are they troubled by other views that more or less also agree with me? Because those views are woefully lacking in sympathy. They wallow in arrogance and self-righteousness.

I believe that people should be more careful picking their mates. I think that no one should usurp their partner's place in the marriage alliance. But I can never see that abuse of any form, no matter the gender of the perpetrator, can ever be excused. "He/she made me do it" is as puerile an excuse as they come.

Having said that, these women have been hurt. There's no real gain in hurting them anymore.

***raising one eyebrow*** Mr I-am-the-next-best-thing-sliced-bread, point out one place on any of my post where I said this?! Just one oh, though I am not holding my breath.

The second bolded part is the issue at stake here, just as you were freely able to express your views without feeling threatened, is the same way some people here are trying to seek this same freedom on this platform/forum, without some sanctimonous so and so trying to pull them up by their bootstraps and treat them like naughty kids that don't know better. Tgirl addressed this to me, and all I have said is allow those who wants to know what signs to look out for a say, so why the uppityness and high horse you are on? What is blind, woefully arrogant, insensitive, and lacking in sympathy, about this simple request?

freecocoa: Busy_body please, I'm kinda lost as to what your point is on this issue, do you also believe this a pity thread? Do you believe that violence can be excused in some cases? I honestly don't know where you stand, its probably the big words confusing me, can you please help a sister out?

Fair enough if you can't recall any of my posts. Unlike the jobless numpty and sycophant that has been keeping a 24/7 round the clock vigil on this thread posting utter drivel and inanities as if her life depends on it. I have a life you see, so all I was doing "now" was responding to posts that were directed at me "this" morning. Hope this answers your question!

naijababe: It's definitely smoking in here.

Not here to apportion blames or question anyone's experience, all I know is that men are just as easily susceptible and very rarely live to tell their stories. Most times they get killed by the supposed weaker sex. One of my male cousins was a victim and he did not live to tell his story, unfortunately no one could really help him, he was abandoned to his fate and died as a result. His abuser also died from an accident within a few years of her victim's death rendering 3 young children under 15 orphans

Clearly, men are not going share their experiences especially in a strongly patriarchal society like Nigeria for that matter, domestic abuse/violence is serious and should not be trivialised by turning it into an 'us' and 'them' issue.

you make me sad for coming up with this illuminating piece about what men go through underneath! to some of the zombies in this section, it doesn't happen because no one came out to speak about it. the people that came up with the intelligence quotient of the average nigerian as 69 are very wrong! it's far less than the half of that figure with the amount of knuckleheads in this section with their pity-party stories!

surely, i have seen more intelligent donkeys @ chester zoo! you come to the family section and the horrorcore is disturbing! it's always negative news after the other - abeg, people with no happiness in their life should get help and stop spreading negativity about marriage - don't queer the pitch for the single folks here.....if your marriage is giving you nightmares, seek professional help! all i know is marriage is like a garden - tend to it and beautiful flowers would blossom....ignore it and prepare to see weed, stubborn grass and other ugly plants in it!

Nothing do you madam britney spears. Please continue to agree with every 'were' and 'asinwin' that shows up in this thread as long as they have a differing opinion to mine. You are in truly good company.

Meanwhile this insane jealousy she has because 'her friends' are of the same opinion as I am is really scary. Abeg Jenny and co, be very wary. This one may be sleeping outside your house watching your every move as we speak. She is so possessive that she hates seeing you agree with any other person's opinions but hers. That what's behind all this talk about sycophancy and 'feeling among'. Lol.... Feel among; please are we back in primary school?

Abeg don't boil my bunny o. I am not trying to steal your friends abeg!

even this thread constitutes a form of emotional abuse.

davidylan: even this thread constitutes a form of emotional abusive.

it's very depressing....

Busy_body:


***raising one eyebrow*** Mr I-am-the-next-best-thing-sliced-bread, point out one place on any of my post where I said this?! Just one oh, though I am not holding my breath.

The second bolded part is the issue at stake here, just as you were freely able to express your views without feeling threatened, is the same way some people here are trying to seek this same freedom on this platform/forum, without some sanctimonous so and so trying to pull them up by their bootstraps and treat them like naughty kids that don't know better. Tgirl addressed this to me, and all I have said is allow those who wants to know what signs to look out for a say, so why the uppityness and high horse you are on? What is blind, woefully arrogant, insensitive, and lacking in sympathy, about this simple request?





Fair enough if you can't recall any of my posts. Unlike the jobless numpty and sycophant that has been keeping a 24/7 round the clock vigil on this thread posting utter drivel and inanities as if her life depends on it. I have a life you see, so all I was doing "now" was responding to posts that were directed at me "this" morning. Hope this answers your question!

A war is not all that necessary, ma'am. I really was not referring in any way your posts. I have my reservations about your views but I have not quite classed them with those I find annoying. It's just incidental that the post that I was responding to was a response to one of yours.

Ihedinobi:

A war is not all that necessary, ma'am. I really was not referring in any way your posts. I have my reservations about your views but I have not quite classed them with those I find annoying. It's just incidental that the post that I was responding to was a response to one of yours.

You better watch your back... (and your bunny). Because 'her' friends are agreeing with you, you have now become 'Mr I-am-the-next-best-thing-sliced-bread' worthy of her scorn. Walahi, if this one runs into you and I on the road, she can knife us.

@BB
That post of mine you quoted was directed at TV1

Sigh

@Ihedinobi

Kedu? Will you please visit this section more? You have no idea how much I we need you here

jennykadry: Sigh

@Ihedinobi

Kedu? Can you visit this section more? You have no idea how much I we need you here

I've learned a thing or two being on this thread. I'm gonna keep looking out for good stuff around here. I'm glad I came.

Ihedinobi:

I've learned a thing or two being on this thread. I'm gonna keep looking out for good stuff around here. I'm glad I came.

serial wankër, the defender of tampons and maxipads!
i bet you have a vaginäl face, no wonder your girl abused you years back - i shoulda known you were an endangered species - abused as a child and abused as an adult! the next time you collide with my comments again, i would piss in your nostrils! you mgbeke miscreant - you have the swag of an orange tree!

coogar:

serial wankër, the defender of tampons and maxipads!
i bet you have a vaginäl face, no wonder your girl abused you years back - i shoulda known you were an endangered species - abused as a child and abused as an adult! the next time you collide with my comments again, i would piss in your nostrils! you mgbeke miscreant - you have the swag of an orange tree!

It's 2am, dude. I'm going to bed. Good night.

maran1983:
It wasn't easy, I thank God for finally opening my eyes in the nick of time.
I feel so embarrassed when I think of all the things I went through; you see I was supposedly a smart chic, someone who knew what was up yet I fell for a lunatic and got subjected to verbal and mental torture for almost two years and to think we were planning on getting married, I'm shuddering @the thought.
One time he said we should stop being intimate cos it was against God's plan for us, I agreed. I was spending a weekend @his place and he didn't let me rest, kept bugging me for s*x. I refused, he grovelled, lamented, pleaded, all what not but I still said no. Later that evening he came to me, put his head on my lap and talked to me in a very kind and loving way, that as a man he had needs and because of the love he had for me he couldn't cheat on me etc so finally I accepted. You won't believe it, immediately we were done this guy turns around and calls me cheap! Why couldn't I say no and stick with it, he's sure that's how I've been going around having s*x with everybody.
I felt like a complete fool, even now remembering that incident I'm trying so hard not to burst into tears.
I honestly thank God I found the strength to leave.

Wow, this is truly an eye opener. What terrible things people have gone through! Look at the extent some abusers will go in order to belittle and degrade their victim. These are the ways emotional abuse is used to tear down and pick apart the victims self esteem, self pride and self worth. Wow, sick minds are sick. Very disturbing stuff. Good for you for finding yourself and getting out..

wow. I don't even know what to say. It's always very chilling to hear a victim tell his/her story. I hope there are women in your former situation reading this topic and gaining hope. They are not alone and this too shall pass.

I know violent marital abuse goes on because i've seen it with my two eyes. husband beating up his wife badly (swollen red eyes, blood stained torn cloth etc) they brought the fight outside and a bunch of people gathered to watch. Some men were trying to help the woman free from his clutch. I don't know what happened after that (I was a passerby) but God, I hope they're separated. I feel for the kids sha.
Times like that I just thank God for my parents.

maybe it was the area I lived in lagos. but I saw tons of crazy things.
A woman screaming hoarsely in the street that she was rap[size=1pt].[/size]ed by a meat-seller who forced his way into her house. somehow he found out she was alone. You could tell from her battered look and hoarse voice that something horrible had happened to her.
Apparently there is also such thing as marital ra[size=1pt].[/size]pe. I cannot for the life of me understand that one but I know that any kind of ra[size=1pt].[/size]pe is horrible.

my heart goes out to all women who have been a victim of abuse. whether marital or non-marital.
2 groups that suffer from physical violence most in naija: women and children.

BusyBody, if you have a questiom please ask it.
My post you bookmarked was a joke aimed at Efe who wondered why men aho abused their wives find it hard to let go when the woman has left.
If you have a question ask it please. I have answered specific direct questions here. I really don't understand where all this is coming from? Even the Coogar who called for a thread, I showed him a thread for men, so really what is the issue?
If you want to ask Cotton what she did wrong ask please, she is at liberty to answer or not, me I have already answered over and over, the one I refuse to answer is an attempt to mock my Christain faith even I can't be that "slow" and docile to come and justify my relationship with God to any man or human.
So please expecting your questions.
Specific questions if you please.

Ihedinobi:

I'd actually been taking the guy seriously. Until I figured him out. Seems he just likes to be witty and say something that sets him noticeably apart. What kind of freak rides on people's real pain to cheap popularity?

Read it all. Bro, i think you just described yourself. I understand you're still a very young man maybe, with time, experience 'll make you to have a balanced opinion. Bye

warrior01:
Read it all. Bro, i think you just described yourself. I understand you're still a very young man maybe, with time, experience 'll make you to have a balanced opinion. Bye

In the off-chance that you'll see this, I was addressing an attitude and a sentiment. Not merely what he said, but why and how he said it.

I am young, not foolish. And I wouldn't mind being shown evidence of a lack of balance in my approach to the issues here.

davidylan: even this thread constitutes a form of emotional abuse.

Hehehehehe. On a serious note, you're not far from the truth. Not just emotional abuse, even sight and reading abuse.

Ihedinobi:

In the off-chance that you'll see this, I was addressing an attitude and a sentiment. Not merely what he said, but why and how he said it.

I am young, not foolish. And I wouldn't mind being shown evidence of a lack of balance in my approach to the issues here.

Isn't it common with Nigerians? Never in my years of living outside Nigeria, have any white person told me to my face....."Hey, you are the youngest here, let us with experience do the talking."

Do they (some Nigerians) feel inferior or what?