Marriage or a relationship first n foremost,should be basically about two people. However,families need to get involved too so solidify everything.

In life,no one is perfect. Some dudes/babes got a lotta negatives in their past but still yet,have wonderful personalities. However,some pple are just clean;no skeletons hanging in their closets. Now,if you find someone with a not too good past but with some measure of good traits,and you choose to date such,how much of such info are you going to share with your family?


My ex was 24yrs old,had a lovely personality but had dated about 23 guys before me(in her own words) & to be honest,I didnt like it when I heard about it(after we'd started dating) but chose to make the best out of the situation & wasn't going to break up with her on that ground. For me,I was thinking of making her perfect for me & was ready to make her my wife. I did a lot of cover ups @ home & even told a few lies to my folks so she could look great before them.

Everything I share online here,they do not know... Now,I'm thinking;what if we got married & these info started causing issues,who would I have turned to? Wouldn't my family be disappointed to hear so much later?


For future reference,I'm asking this: "how much info should you allow your folks know about your spouse"? Or,is it ok to hide so much from them?

Sorry for typing so lengthy.

Its ur wife and its non of their business. Do u know their own secret runs. I mean ur family. Everyone has skeletons in their cupboard. Na only when wind blow we go see fowl yansh$

gorgeousity: Its ur wife and its non of their business. Do u know their own secret runs. I mean ur family. Everyone has skeletons in their cupboard. Na only when wind blow we go see fowl yansh$

Ok. Not my wife o. Talking about partners that are not yet married. Once you're married,you dont need to say nothing to no one.

Am at the edge of a break-up (or has already broken up). Told this girl all about me from the beginning, including genotype and past relationship history and why it didn't work.
I also asked her not to date me, if my genotype was going to be an issue with her parents/ sibblings.
She assured me that she can make up her mind on her own. Then we started dating, but the parents started opposing the relationship based on--- first my home town, then my genotype.
We both like ourselves a lot, but I don't know if it will ever work out.

Somethings are best known only to the two people involved.
RELATIONSHIP IS FOR TWO PEOPLE, BUT SOME PEOPLE DON'T KNOW HOW TO COUNT.

chronique:

Ok. Not my wife o. Talking about partners that are not yet married. Once you're married,you dont need to say nothing to no one.

Even while dating. Yo should learn to keep your personal life personal. Or are you forgetting that what you told them while dating can still be used when married?

I dont tell my family everything about my husband. I don`t even tell them when I am irritated and had a fight. My mother was, and partly is, against the marriage, so I will not give her anything to put her finger on. I have told her we fight, but I don`t share the obstacles we might face. My grandmother, on the other hand; I tell her much. Not all, but much, cause she likes him, and she gives advices, she don`t point fingers.

But things he have told me in conversations about his past, that its clear he is telling me only because I am his wife, I wont tell anyone. Some things are meant to only be between the two of us.
I wish I could go to my family for guidance at times, but they will look at the situation and tell me "well, thats because he is a muslim/african".

50%

Your question is a bit tricky. For simple matters like - what she has done in the past, you may hide that from your family. But I tell you, please tell them the truth about her family background. Her parents, siblings and what they are doing. So that they at least know the type of family she is from.

Elders have seen alot more than you. If she is from one of those strange families, where there is alot of drama, your parents may advice you how to relate with her family. But the person you marry should be your choice.

Her good side and that's all and if any of my family members digs up any dirt abt my partner that i'm already aware of ,i'll take it personal because my partner represents my image and i love my dignity more than my life...having said that ,it pays to tell your partner every damn truth so that he/she doesn't get a surprise from someone else.

Please if she trusts you enough to tell you the truth about things in her past, then you should also respect that trust and not tell anyone else. I have done things I'm not proud of in my past and so has my husband. Of course I will make him seem like prince charming to my father (I'm Daddy's girl you know) or he will not want him. So even if you guys have issues in future, you sort it out between yourselves. It's that simple. Don't bring in outsiders.

I think you should tell them important things.
How many men she's been with in the past doesn't count as important to me.
Her family background, where's she's from, what religion she practices etc should be made known to family members.
My people have a saying that translates to "what an elder sees sitting down, a child will not see even if he climbs an iroko tree"
You need their advice and guidance on some issues but the final decision should be made by you.
I learnt that it pays to take advice from someone who has more experience than you do, the hard way.

freecocoa: I think you should tell them important things.
How many men she's been with in the past doesn't count as important to me.
Her family background, where's she's from, what religion she practices etc should be made known to family members.
My people have a saying that translates to "what an elder sees sitting down, a child will not see even if he climbs an iroko tree"
You need their advice and guidance on some issues but the final decision should be made by you.
I learnt that it pays to take advice from someone who has more experience than you do, the hard way.

so what happens after you told them, and they decide to withhold their blessing. Actually objecting to your union based on the things you have told me. Saying things like..... "ooh people from that part of town are like this or like that"

In my case it an aunt of the girl (her father's sister) and our neighbour, for me to actually know that it was my genotype that was causing the whole problem. cause we both from the same tribe.

does start still count as "what an elder sees sitting down...." because this elder has actually lied about his advice in the first place.

eagle,eye:

so what happens after you told them, and they decide to withhold their blessing. Actually objecting to your union based on the things you have told me. Saying things like..... "ooh people from that part of town are like this or like that"

For me, I had to take a stand, and make a choice for MY life, not their life.

The only thing they should know is her name, discipline and other surface stuff. Ny parents don't even care about religion, nationality and tribe sef. They only wanna know how many hours they will have to sit on a bus or plane when going to pay the bride price

freecocoa:
How many men she's been with in the past doesn't count as important to me

y am i not surprised

eagle,eye:





so what happens after you told them, and they decide to withhold their blessing. Actually objecting to your union based on the things you have told me. Saying things like..... "ooh people from that part of town are like this or like that"

In my case it an aunt of the girl (her father's sister) and our neighbour, for me to actually know that it was my genotype that was causing the whole problem. cause we both from the same tribe.

That is why I said you make the final call.

snthesis:
y am i not surprised

Do I look like I care? Phuleaaase.

Mynd_44: The only thing they should know is her name, discipline and other surface stuff. Ny parents don't even care about religion, nationality and tribe sef. They only wanna know how many hours they will have to sit on a bus or plane when going to pay the bride price

Roflmao

freecocoa: That is why I said you make the final call.

How do you make the final call, when they are not even ready to allow the guy to come and pay ur bride price? Abi na you go collect your own bride price and drink your own wine?

You Igbo and you should know that is part of tradition?

k2039:
Roflmao

?I swear. My mum once went for a wedding in bayelsa and she went by road. She came back saying anyone(her children or their cousins) marrying from that area must vomit plane tickets for her and her friends else na wahala the guy dey find

Mynd_44: ?I swear. My mum once went for a wedding in bayelsa and she went by road. She came back saying anyone(her children or their cousins) marrying from that area must vomit plane tickets for her and her friends else na wahala the guy dey find

I dont blame her,obviously the roads are terrible and bayelsa is a little bit far.

k2039:

I dont blame her,obviously the roads are terrible and bayelsa is a little bit far.

I guess it was. We don't really care about tribe as long as you are both comfortable and there is love, no problem.

i will never tell any of my family about my wife and they just know these and let me be, no matter how hard they try, i will never bleep. they like her very much though but that is not enough reasons as fo rme our marriage remains our marriage only

Mynd_44:
I guess it was. We don't really care about tribe as long as you are both comfortable and there is love, no problem.

I wonder why people are really crazy about tribe when in actual fact we dont choose our tribe,even our nationality,we are born into it(so I believe race doesnt count,it's just the individual)

eagle,eye:


How do you make the final call, when they are not even ready to allow the guy to come and pay ur bride price? Abi na you go collect your own bride price and drink your own wine?

You Igbo and you should know that is part of tradition?

So your argument is what exactly?
My father will not refuse to accept my bride price, if he has any reservations, he'll make them known to me, advice me and then allow me to make my decisions, he's sensible enough to know that in the end what I choose to do matters most.
In igbo land sef, when it comes to marriage, many things cannot be hidden from the family, they go extra mile to find out things about the family they intend to marry into\ from.

freecocoa: So your argument is what exactly?
My father will not refuse to accept my bride price, if he has any reservations, he'll make them known to me, advice me and then allow me to make my decisions, he's sensible enough to know that in the end what I choose to do matters most.
In igbo land sef, when it comes to marriage, many things cannot be hidden from the family, they go extra mile to find out things about the family they intend to marry into\ from.

Don't misunderstand me. The aunt is a neighbour (though we didn't know that when we started, it was just God's way of letting me know what was happening) and she vouched for me and my family that we are good people.
But the father insisted that he will not have anything to do with us (me and her daughter) if we went on with the marriage plans. In the words of the lady, " he was going to accept the bride price even if we came".

My arguement/question is, what will you do if you were in that position?

k2039:
I wonder why people are really crazy about tribe when in actual fact we dont choose our tribe,even our nationality,we are born into it(so I believe race doesnt count,it's just the individual)

True, and being from a particular tribe does not define you

eagle,eye:


Don't misunderstand me. The aunt is a neighbour (though we didn't know that when we started, it was just God's way of letting me know what was happening) and she vouched for me and my family that we are good people.
But the father insisted that he will not have anything to do with us (me and her daughter) if we went on with the marriage plans. In the words of the lady, " he was going to accept the bride price even if we came".

My arguement/question is, what will you do if you were in that position?

Oh well, to be honest, I don't know what I'll do if I find myself in such a situation.
One thing I know though is that such is highly unlikely to happen in my family.

Omo! See mileage! 24 mans!

Her crankshaft go be like 0/40 and the engine no go fit carry A/C again lailai.

freecocoa: I think you should tell them important things.
How many men she's been with in the past doesn't count as important to me.
Her family background, where's she's from, what religion she practices etc should be made known to family members.
My people have a saying that translates to "what an elder sees sitting down, a child will not see even if he climbs an iroko tree"
You need their advice and guidance on some issues but the final decision should be made by you.
I learnt that it pays to take advice from someone who has more experience than you do, the hard way.

I agree with you on the above points, a few nuggets are outlined below.

Maturity has to be displayed by both parties. Some things are best left within the relationship, however news still have a way of getting round.
Mistakes in the past nonetheless can be used against one, sometimes leading to blackmail.

A multifaceted analysis is needed.
Assessing the family and what can be tolerated.
Degree of closeness and inter relationship will help in information dissemination
True portrayal of a change from previous deviant ways, for those with a PAST.
Self reliance, financially, definitely is a must.


For most things hidden from the family, there are tell tale signs evident prior to the presence of talebearers....
It becomes baffling and appears deceitful to onlookers when you want to hide things away. These are the cases where in the event of the relationship falling apart, family members are very antagonistic to remediation efforts, leaving scars on future generations.

There has to be a commitment to the relationship even in the face of opposition.... this only comes from being convinced about it...... not in the early stage of lust.


Family involvement is useful, when done on the portals of equity and justice not out of personal bias or vendettas. This is where self awareness comes in before dishing out information.

I feel the best approach is to keep what is private to both of you in perfect confidential status. If your family finds out on their own, then you have not betrayed your partner who divulge information on the bases of trust n love. However, if you are confuse at any level of your relationship about vital factor, you can confide in someone you know has verifiable integrity, goodwill and objective personality whether your religious leader or family member, friends etc but never say too much to an outsider. i know of a lady who was married as a virgin asking her father if oral action is ok with her husband. The father being a pastor advised her never to do it again, that marriage is on fire today. so be reasonable and moderate in all you do. just in case you have not married her yet, never take for granted, matters relating to attitude; it subs in marriage but a changed person stands a chance of proving me wrong but most people who ignores this advise have regretted.