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Should Family Position Of Your Partner Be Considered Before Marriage? - Family (2) - Nairaland

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Re: Should Family Position Of Your Partner Be Considered Before Marriage? by maclatunji: 1:48pm On Dec 10, 2012
slimyem: Yes o..
It is very important.If you know where you are coming from,you should also where you are going.
It doesn't make sense to go marry a first born of a family with seven siblings and financially incapable parents when you are from an indigent family with responsibilities of your own.
Wisdom should be applied in cases like this else it'll put a strain on the marriage so much one'd wish to not have made that choice.

Hey... cute post.
Re: Should Family Position Of Your Partner Be Considered Before Marriage? by BABE3: 1:54pm On Dec 10, 2012
LMAO @ kobojunkie. Lol. I've never seen anyone so lost and clueless on this forum. Makes me wonder if he/she is related to Sisi_kill.

2 Likes

Re: Should Family Position Of Your Partner Be Considered Before Marriage? by SisiKill1: 1:56pm On Dec 10, 2012
You know this topic has always confused me. I understand how birth order can affect personality....first borns being bossy, middle children being the peacemaker, the compromiser and last borns being the happy go lucky people but when it comes to the responsibility that supposedly comes with these roles, I'm thrown for a loop.

If the first guy from a wealthy family marries the first girl from a wealthy family is he responsible for all her burdens? Does she even have burdens?

If the first guy from a poor family marries the first girl from a wealthy family is she responsible for his first born responsibility? Or is does the mantle fall on the next sibling in his family who is doing marginally better than him.

How would it work if they were birth 3rd borns from poor families or 3rd borns from rich families?

What about a first born from a poor family who is doing ok but decides to put self first (some might call it selfish but the first born can rationalize it by saying how can they help others stand on 2 legs when they are standing on one)

Many questions like these whirl through my mind when this kinda topic comes up and in my own opinion, using the person's birth order to predict what kinda marital problems one might face is too simplistic in it's approach...especially if we use that approach for only children (there will be a high rate of unmarried people. ..that much I know. cheesy )

So other factors must surely play into it.

Factors like

1) The kinda family they are from...there are some families who will burn their homes down with everyone in it before they beg. And there are some family whose mantra is MORE. Nothing is ever enough, they could own ten times more than you and still want the little you have.

2) The person's attitude...there are some people who can be very firm with their decisions and there are people pleasers....and how they choose to relate to others is rooted in that not the birth order they are.

3) Our Society ..unfortunately we live in a superficial society where people use all sorts of criteria to judge how well someone is doing. This can affect the way we act. ...someone who allows themselves to be defined by others will do anything to keep their status quo. ..even if they have to take a knife to their noses. People like these... regardless of the birth order they occupy will always have issues in their marriage. I can't let my friends think I am not doing well because my sister was seen taking a bus to school so I will use all the money u have to buy my family a car. I don't want people to think I didn't marry right so I will make sure my family eats food we never ate before I got married etc.


Finally, i'd say our so called African ways and it's expectations makes us be somewhat Bipolar in our thinking.....Let's be sincere here, if you met a man or a woman who tells you point blank. ...I don't believe in helping family. Every one is on their own with me oh. Will you still consider marrying this person? I don't need to take a poll to know that majority will say no. So if you aren't gonna accept someone like that, why do you penalized someone who is the opposite.

Instead of addressing the real issue and maybe try to invoke a paradigm shift in our way of thinking we latch on to the simplest explanation, base our decision making process on it. ...then we wonder why we still have the same problems....I mean what happens if you married a last child and they turn out to be responsible for things you thought only applied to first children? What do you do then?

2 Likes

Re: Should Family Position Of Your Partner Be Considered Before Marriage? by maclatunji: 2:06pm On Dec 10, 2012
^You will stay long in wonderland with this your analysis and still find the issues staring you in the eye like Olumo Rock when you are done.

1 Like

Re: Should Family Position Of Your Partner Be Considered Before Marriage? by SisiKill1: 2:08pm On Dec 10, 2012
BABE!:
LMAO @ kobojunkie. Lol. I've never seen anyone so lost and clueless on this forum. Makes me wonder if he/she is related to Sisi_kill.
She's my Aunty....how could not have guessed that?

Babe, you are slow oh. cheesy
Re: Should Family Position Of Your Partner Be Considered Before Marriage? by SisiKill1: 2:12pm On Dec 10, 2012
maclatunji: ^You will stay long in wonderland with this your analysis and still find the issues staring you in the eye like Olumo Rock when you are done.
Uncle mi I am surprised you say this considering you first post is knee deep in psychology and psychology is all about analysis.

Oy veh! embarassed
Re: Should Family Position Of Your Partner Be Considered Before Marriage? by BABE3: 2:15pm On Dec 10, 2012
Sisi_Kill:
She's my Aunty....how could not have guessed that?
Babe, you are slow oh. cheesy

grin grin
You did attempt to make some sense (surprisingly).
If an average man is marrying a first born/daughter from a rich family, he really has nothing to worry about compared to them being lower middle class or still struggling. It's the Nigerian way.

Biko, talk sense into your aunty. She's lost.

1 Like

Re: Should Family Position Of Your Partner Be Considered Before Marriage? by maclatunji: 2:15pm On Dec 10, 2012
Sisi_Kill:
She's my Aunty....how could not have guessed that?

Babe, you are slow oh. cheesy

Which "evil spirit" called you to answer that post? Sheath your saber lady, if you keep silent it will be pointless for her to try to incite you.
Re: Should Family Position Of Your Partner Be Considered Before Marriage? by maclatunji: 2:17pm On Dec 10, 2012
Sisi_Kill:
Uncle mi I am surprised you say this considering you first post is knee deep in psychology and psychology is all about analysis.

Oy veh! embarassed

And I just analysed your post and came to that conclusion.
Re: Should Family Position Of Your Partner Be Considered Before Marriage? by SisiKill1: 3:02pm On Dec 10, 2012
maclatunji:

Which "evil spirit" called you to answer that post? Sheath your saber lady, if you keep silent it will be pointless for her to try to incite you.
Uncle mi mind ya own oh.

You do not meddle when two sisters are fighting. We will soon dump the wahala on you and start talking about CL pumps and why Kim Kardershian should never wear leather...anything. This, of course, comes after talking about the intricacies of dealing with men who like to meddle when two sisters are fighting. Where does that compulsion come from? Can it be rooted in something as benign as birth order or does the domineering male trait have something to do with it? Hnmmmmm. tongue

1 Like

Re: Should Family Position Of Your Partner Be Considered Before Marriage? by Nobody: 3:20pm On Dec 10, 2012
^^^ Lol grin
Re: Should Family Position Of Your Partner Be Considered Before Marriage? by maclatunji: 3:25pm On Dec 10, 2012
Sisi_Kill:
Uncle mi mind ya own oh.

You do not meddle when two sisters are fighting. We will soon dump the wahala on you and start talking about CL pumps and why Kim Kardershian should never wear leather...anything. This, of course, comes after talking about the intricacies of dealing with men who like to meddle when two sisters are fighting. Where does that compulsion come from? Can it be rooted in something as benign as birth order or does the domineering male trait have something to do with it? Hnmmmmm. tongue

Too many sisters fighting for "half-a-century" on this board already. Good to see the two of you can rise above that. You can pour the blame on me, just don't start chasing yourselves over multiple threads.
Re: Should Family Position Of Your Partner Be Considered Before Marriage? by omiobo: 4:27pm On Dec 10, 2012
BABE!:
LMAO @ kobojunkie. Lol. I've never seen anyone so lost and clueless on this forum. Makes me wonder if he/she is related to Sisi_kill.

Mere reading Sisi_kill comment I can see they are related.

@Sisi_kill I can see you are blinded by your sister's post. Read the topic very well. OP,is not only referring to financial issue,he also wrote about her siblings carelessness attitude which may be a source of worry to OP
Na true say too much self book dey cause psycho. grin it's now confirmed.
Re: Should Family Position Of Your Partner Be Considered Before Marriage? by Kobojunkie: 4:59pm On Dec 10, 2012
Quads:

You perfectly well understood what I typed and as someone said you just don't give up. Ur're just like a drowning man grabbing at straws

As expected, no substance to refute anything posted, only the usual/typical drool from the average block . . . NEXT!!
Re: Should Family Position Of Your Partner Be Considered Before Marriage? by Kobojunkie: 5:01pm On Dec 10, 2012
Sisi_Kill: You know this topic has always confused me. I understand how birth order can affect personality....first borns being bossy, middle children being the peacemaker, the compromiser and last borns being the happy go lucky people but when it comes to the responsibility that supposedly comes with these roles, I'm thrown for a loop.

If the first guy from a wealthy family marries the first girl from a wealthy family is he responsible for all her burdens? Does she even have burdens?

If the first guy from a poor family marries the first girl from a wealthy family is she responsible for his first born responsibility? Or is does the mantle fall on the next sibling in his family who is doing marginally better than him.

How would it work if they were bith 3rd borns from poor families or 3rd borns from rich families?

What about a first born from a poor family who is doing ok but decides to put self first (some might call it selfish but the first born can rationalize it by saying how can they help others stand on 2 legs when they are standing on one)

Many questions like these whirl through my mind when this kinda topic comes up and in my own opinion, using the person's birth order to predict what kinda marital problems one might face is too simplistic in it's approach...especially if we use that approach for only children (there will be a high School rate of unmarried people. ..that much I know. cheesy )

So other factors surely play into it.

Factors like

1) The kinda family they are from...their are some families who will burn their homes down with everyone in it before they beg. And there are some family whose mantra is MORE. Nothing is ever enough, they could own ten times more than you and still want the little you have.

2) The person's attitude...there are some people who can be very firm with their decisions and there are people pleasers....and how they choose to relate to others is rooted in that not the birth order they are.

3) Our Society ..unfortunately we live in a superficial society where people use all sorts of criteria to judge how well someone is doing. This can affect the way we act. ...someone who allows themselves to be defined by others will do anything to keep their status quo. ..even if they have to take a knife to their noses. People like these regardless of the birth order they occupy will always have issues in their marriage. I can't let my friends think I am not doing well because my sister was seen taking a bus to school so I will use all the money u have to buy my family a car. I don't want people to think I didn't marry right so I will make sure my family eats food we never ate before I got married etc.


Finally, i'd say our so called African ways and it's expectations makes us makes us Bipolar in our thinking.....Let's be sincere here, if you met a man or a woman who tells you point blank. ...I don't believe in helping family. Every one is on their own with me oh. Will you still consider marrying this person? I don't need to take a poll to know that majority will say no. So if you aren't gonna accept someone like that, why do you penalized someone who is the opposite.

Instead of addressing the real issue and maybe try to invoke a paradigm shift in our way of thinking we latch on to the simplest explanation, base our decision making process on it. ...then we wonder why we still have the same problems....I mean what happens if you married a last child and they turn out to be responsible for things you thought only applied to first children? What do you do then?

Why should they consider these additional, and sometimes more important factors. I mean they have lazily CHOSEN(not that they do not see all that is before them before choosing)to pin it on "family position" so they can release their mind from the burden of having to process all the information presented them, and that is what it has to be. See how they conveniently labelled it Wisdom and Knowledge. Even some tried to make it seem it is BIBLICAL to claim the First born and whatever "born" bears the bulk of the burden in the family.

I tell you what, these people are just drones . . . they multiply in the millions, just so they can continue to make sure that "backward" mentality can continue to live on or somethin . . . pisses me off.. grin grin grin grin grin grin cheesy cheesy cheesy cheesy cheesy
Re: Should Family Position Of Your Partner Be Considered Before Marriage? by Kobojunkie: 5:08pm On Dec 10, 2012
BABE!:


grin grin
You did attempt to make some sense (surprisingly).
If an average man is marrying a first born/daughter from a rich family, he really has nothing to worry about compared to them being lower middle class or still struggling. It's the Nigerian way.

Biko, talk sense into your aunty. She's lost.

This is why Nigeria is the way it is . . . filled with average thinking individuals such as yourself. So, if this same average man is looking to marry a first born who was herself raised by the 3rd born(the third born happened to have married earlier, made more money and decided to pay her big sister's way through school, after their parents died), this same average man, from lower middle class will have to bear the family burden? undecided undecided undecided undecided of which this woman(the first child) seems to bear's none of? undecided undecided undecided undecided undecided undecided

According to your thinking, the first child should be burdened simply because she is first, right? But here is a scenario where it is not the first doing any of the weight carrying but the third. How does your "FAMILY POSITION" hypothesis work in this case? Let me guess, the Third child was actually meant to come out as the first child?
Re: Should Family Position Of Your Partner Be Considered Before Marriage? by Quads: 5:15pm On Dec 10, 2012
Kobojunkie:

As expected, no substance to refute anything posted, only the usual/typical drool from the average block . . . NEXT!!

I had to go back and read the OP's post and your reply and my reply to you to make sure that I didnt miss anything. The OP pointed out financial responsibilities and careless attitude of the wife's younger ones while you in your psedo analysis jumped on the financial aspcect alone. Descartes wannabe cheesy,I see you passing off as a pseudo intellect whereas you're not the sharpest tool in the box. Mbok take several seats

3 Likes

Re: Should Family Position Of Your Partner Be Considered Before Marriage? by baby124: 5:22pm On Dec 10, 2012
i dont like first boys or only boys, but i keep ending up with them. Too much responsibility. grin cool undecided
Re: Should Family Position Of Your Partner Be Considered Before Marriage? by Kobojunkie: 5:25pm On Dec 10, 2012
Quads:

I had to go back and read the OP's post and your reply and my reply to you to make sure that I didnt miss anything. The OP pointed out financial responsibilities and careless attitude of the wife's younger ones while you in your psedo analysis jumped on the financial aspcect alone. Descartes wannabe cheesy,I see you passing off as a pseudo intellect whereas you're not the sharpest tool in the box. Mbok take several seats

Because every family where the siblings are financially irresponsible, and careless, the FIRST BORN ALWAYS makes himself/herself responsible for correcting their PERSONAL MISTAKE. Somehow "Family Position" is what mandates that FIRST BORNS take responsibility for the stu_pid mistakes of the careless siblings, not love or a desire to help but "FAMILY POSITION". You must be the genius in your own set up, abi?
Re: Should Family Position Of Your Partner Be Considered Before Marriage? by Quads: 5:48pm On Dec 10, 2012
Kobojunkie:

Because every family where the siblings are financially irresponsible, and careless, the FIRST BORN ALWAYS makes himself/herself responsible for correcting their PERSONAL MISTAKE. Somehow "Family Position" is what mandates that FIRST BORNS take responsibility for the stu_pid mistakes of the careless siblings, not love or a desire to help but "FAMILY POSITION". You must be the genius in your own set up, abi?

If you like highlight or lowlight whatever, it doesn't take away from the fact that your pseudo analysis isn't flying on this thread. Philosopher general grin
Re: Should Family Position Of Your Partner Be Considered Before Marriage? by stillme(m): 6:23pm On Dec 10, 2012
Quads:

If you like highlight or lowlight whatever, it doesn't take away from the fact that your pseudo analysis isn't flying on this thread. Philosopher general grin

gringringringrin
Re: Should Family Position Of Your Partner Be Considered Before Marriage? by tpia1: 6:43pm On Dec 10, 2012
Long comment edited for the sake of peace.

undecided
Re: Should Family Position Of Your Partner Be Considered Before Marriage? by tpia1: 6:47pm On Dec 10, 2012
Anyway!

undecided


@ topic

These things come with being nigerian.

Its a poor country .
Re: Should Family Position Of Your Partner Be Considered Before Marriage? by kinguwem: 7:03pm On Dec 10, 2012
The family background of your spouse is very important. It is not advisable to marry a spouse from a family with a lot of liability. Despite your effort, they rarely appreciate good gestures because they are always in need of assistance.

1 Like

Re: Should Family Position Of Your Partner Be Considered Before Marriage? by Theblessed(f): 9:10pm On Dec 10, 2012
[size=16pt]But, what has family position got to do with LOVE?? undecided

Hmmmmmm! And why would you want to consider that before getting married to someone, you profess to love - if at all, you love him/her?

If he/she is the first and poor and you love him wouldn't you marry him/her and create your own empire? Or, you're seeking ready made?

And, what difference would it make if he/she was last and poor and you love him/her? undecided

Well, if you can't hack it when he's poor then, you're not real and there is a hidden agenda somewhere, you don't want to own up to!

Anyway, I'm a bit wry about the whole idea - smells all the hallmark of someone seeking gold to dig in greener pastures, sorry!!
[/size]
Re: Should Family Position Of Your Partner Be Considered Before Marriage? by tpia1: 9:13pm On Dec 10, 2012
@ topic


the thread isnt discussing first child, but rather, the importance of birth order in choosing a partner.

first child is a different thread.
Re: Should Family Position Of Your Partner Be Considered Before Marriage? by obyrich(m): 10:18pm On Dec 10, 2012
lekibraky: its a good question you have posted i cant blame those who check your positon before getting married to you. if you marry a girl who is first born in a family of 7 as a guy and the family is poor they will live up to you which might be burdensome to you too but if the bride's family is ok you can go ahead without thinking twice
What if you are poorer than the girl's family?
Re: Should Family Position Of Your Partner Be Considered Before Marriage? by Umunede: 3:18am On Dec 11, 2012
As 1st in my family, I thank God, I got married to last. I am enjoying it today. At least, d heat is from only one side. This little little things matters in marriage
Re: Should Family Position Of Your Partner Be Considered Before Marriage? by chic2007: 5:01pm On Mar 12, 2013
When I was getting married years ago, I did not think of family position. The only thing I thought of and knew was that I had no interest in getting married to an only son. (The attachment to their mothers and sisters can be overwhelming) Most, not all wives in this position should be ready to open up their homes as an extension of his family house.

However, having been married for a while now, I am glad my husband is not the first child in his family. It shows that with hindsight, the position should have been a criteria. They tend to shoulder so many responsibilities. However, this does not apply to all families, especially in families where the parents are financially capable.

I do understand what the OP is saying. My husband always tells me that my family background was a major plus for him. He says he is glad I have very successful parents and siblings. We can discuss it now and laugh about it but the bottom line is that it is true. I am also glad that his parents and siblings are very successful. Nobody wants to start their marriage carrying additional responsibility but at the end of the day, we can't really help who we fall in love with. Can we?

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