I am of the opinion that if you are in a steady serious relationship for 6 months or thereabout and the man isn't showing any signs of long term commitment,then he probably isn't going to and there's no point waiting around for him to.

Would I feel resentment if he doesn't? No!! I'd assume he is looking for something he isn't seeing in me and I would look elsewhere. Giving ultimatums is quite close to coercion. No one should be conditioned into making such long term commitment

Only a few Nigerian proposals follow the hollywood style. Most of the time,its proposal by words thrown around slyly and then once both family are aware and have accepted the relationship,engagement is assumed. Whether marriage happens afterwards is some other issue.

How a woman can extract proposal without the man feeling coerced? Many ways mostly unnecessary I'm my opinion. Better to let the man want you or not.

I think giving ultimatums doesn't necessarily get the woman what she wants .... Its not a good thing to do In my opinion

All way na way provided it leads 2 sth good, lovly n legitimate. It musnt follow any pre invented pattern.

Ask him for his plans regarding us assuming there is us in the first place

chaircover: Thanks Slimyem.

but if a lady says . ."if you dont want me let me go and dont waste my time", and the man proposes the next day, is that seen as coercion or is the lady just helping the man see beyond his nose
[s]i see that a lot on nollywood so it must be something that happens in real life a lot[/s]

I think that would or should depend on the man's perspective but really its a civil enough statement from someone who isn't willing to continue in any uncertainty.
If the man proposes almost immediately though,one should smell foul. A man who knows what he wants doesn't need a statement like that to make his decision.
It happens in movies but I doubt its the same way in reality.
You give men of today that kind of statement,they show you the way out if they don't want you.
If they do want you however, they give you valid reasons to wait around.

Is he d only man on earth

If he doesn't propose move on to d more serious dude
Or better still can change d game like gabrielle union did to jeremy In d movie think like a man

If all else fails trust GOD

Best to give ultimatum and let him know from the start of the relationship that you are not there to play housewife without the ring. I think also when he knows you are hot cake with guys, he will even become more desperate . You don't flaunt that fact though. It has to be "found out". Especially if your man likes to go through your phone and other property.loool. For length of relationship I think 1-2yrs is good enough. Anything apart from that is common law marriage. You know though when a guy is serious about you. My advice is for those ready for marriage. Both mature, have jobs and are compatible.

Disclaimer:
ye must not be found flirting with those other guys. On phone, in action or words.

I think any lady would be lying if she claims she dosent know where the relationship is heading. Like someone mentioned earlier these proposals arent always hollywood style, and in the few cases they are, its already a script cos both parties already know 'whats up'.
The proposal come in subtle ways that leaves you in no doubt as per the intentions. so when you are in a relationship as a guy/lady, you already know where its headed. the only thing is that one party might pretend not to see that its going nowhere while the other party allows him/her bask in the euphoria with the excuse of not breaking their heart.

Connoisseur: I think any lady would be lying if she claims she dosent know where the relationship is heading. Like someone mentioned earlier these proposals arent always hollywood style, and in the few cases they are, its already a script cos both parties already know 'whats up'.
The proposal come in subtle ways that leaves you in no doubt as per the intentions. so when you are in a relationship as a guy/lady, you already know where its headed. the only thing is that one party might pretend not to see that its going nowhere while the other party allows him/her bask in the euphoria with the excuse of not breaking their heart.

@cc I dated for 5 years and few change but that was 'old school' in this day and age. And that was right after school , even some of my friends started getting married then, gosh I attended wedding like crazy in course of few years before I travelled out. And my Dad never asked or pressured anything unlike stories I hear bout today's parents.

It just never occurred/clicked to both of us that we are are ready because we knew next thing will be kids and he was travelling back and forth, so why not enjoy now??

So I can relate with the lady in other thread without the desperate & waiting part, and like @baby said if men flock around you yourself and you're not all desperate 'waiting' mother Theresa , a serious guy will put a ring on it.... I remembered My now in-laws monitored me with phone calls like a hawk when he's outta town.

So it depends on individual and their expectations in a relationship and I'd say they ( ladies) should drop the desperate aspect of it and live life lifted...what will be will be.

Baby how do you like my story?

Good topic.
1.I actually never proposed but they was always d hints like, i want u to have beautiful daughters like urself for me.
2 She was never worried as she knew i was.fully commited and it was just a matter of time.
3. I think most guys here hardly propose and they let their fiancee know long before the marriage that they intend to marry her.
4. When a guy never discusses marriage with the woman he is dating, know that he ain't marrying her.
5. After 2yrs of dating and no ring, pls call it a day. That is if u guys are above 30, young people have the liberty to date for as long as possible.

chaircover: Lot of interesting responses.

I'm going to put you on the spot Jide. Did Mr Jydoe actually propose, or did you just both feel it coming especially as both sets of parents knew about and were cool with your relationship.

I am going to ask another question from the married folks here. How did your proposal go, or was it just subtle conversations where you both say things like "when we are married . . . ."

I have another question. If he doesnt propose, and deep inside of you, you feel that he is the one, then what do you do

Yeah he did. Here. I wouldn't trade that for anything else @cc, I don't live copy copy life...it was romantic and western. He told me he's had his own goals when it comes to raising his own family:
1. Plan his proposal and sweep me off my feet.
2. Don't want his kids to have Nigerian accent

But something tells me, we are already gonna end up married when his parents started sending me gifts every year and calling my parents. But still I kept my distance and lived my life, got involved in church more.

@cc , @your last para, I think standards have changed now. These girls & guys double date like crazy , then the men always end up calling the shots cause he's trying not to fall into a trap of a bad market... parents are not helping either.. It's a whole new ball game now compared to what I knew then. Or should I say I'm a learner now.

jidegirl12: @cc I dated for 5 years and few change but that was 'old school' in this day and age. And that was right after school , even some of my friends started getting married then, gosh I attended wedding like crazy in course of few years before I travelled out. And my Dad never asked or pressured anything unlike stories I hear bout today's parents.

It just never occurred/clicked to both of us that we are are ready because we knew next thing will be kids and he was travelling back and forth, so why not enjoy now??

So I can relate with the lady in other thread without the desperate & waiting part, and like @baby said if men flock around you yourself and you're not all desperate 'waiting' mother Theresa , a serious guy will put a ring on it.... I remembered My now in-laws monitored me with phone calls like a hawk when he's outta town.

So it depends on individual and their expectations in a relationship and I'd say they ( ladies) should drop the desperate aspect of it and live life lifted...what will be will be.

Baby how do you like my story?

I absolutely loooove the characters. Proud of you babe. Did you update it yet? Was just smiling and laughing all through. Chichi and nene are both insane. Especially chichi. Let me go back and check. Sorry OP.

baby_123:
I absolutely loooove the characters. Proud of you babe. Did you update it yet? Was just smiling and laughing all through. Chichi and nene are both insane. Especially chichi. Let me go back and check. Sorry OP.

I will soon. I'm in chapter three. Thanks baby

I actually like it there, the atmosphere is free.

Me and my husband courted for a lil over 3 years but right from about month 6 I could see that he really wanted to take it to the next level.Subtle questions like Do you like Manchester ?(he used to live in Manchester), him calling my family just to say hello, meeting his siblings and his siblings calling to check up on me.As connoisseur said you just know that a relationship is going somewhere and MR never actually did the going down on one knee thing .He just took to me to choose the engagement ring after he told me one day I want to marry you, you are not my girlfriend I see in you thewoman I can plan my life with.

No flowers, no helicopter banner, no Empire state building ; ;DAra oko So unromantic.

I personally think no two relationahips are the same.I had friends who dated from when the guy was in Year 1 and she was in SS3, so dated for 12 yrs.We all used to wonder o ga o but I for one never make unnecessary jabs at people relationships but we had friends who told her to her face that she was a fool.They were waiting for them to be a lil stable and today they are married and still best of friends (to be honest they act like bro and sis sef).I personally could not have done that or had the patience but they knew where they were going.They are both my friends and the guy's mum is one of my mums closest friends so I kinda knew despite all doubts that they would marry.Another school of thought said he had to cos he know want curse after 12 yrs but na dem sabi.

There is no one size fits all for this thing, so my own opinions is know YOURSELF first, what you want and why you want to marry.Then gauge the relationship.You are in it so you can kinda know the direction its going in.My ex told my friends he wanted to marry me, his elder brothers said when should they come and dobale but me that I was in the relationship knew that we were 3 in the relationship so all he was doing was demo(long story).So know what you want and go for it.

Dami Abeg give brother some credit jor... State empire ko ... Some will wait till aso ebi engagement day before you get that ring.

I wouldn'T wait much, never had to wait. I keep my options open, very open. Until a man pays The bride price, my life would never revolve around him, no flaunTing and no playing wifey. We are noT exclusive until he earns it, and he would be aware of my stand.

chaircover: Lot of interesting responses.

I'm going to put you on the spot Jide. Did Mr Jydoe actually propose, or did you just both feel it coming especially as both sets of parents knew about and were cool with your relationship.

I am going to ask another question from the married folks here. How did your proposal go, or was it just subtle conversations where you both say things like "when we are married . . . ."

I have another question. If he doesnt propose, and deep inside of you, you feel that he is the one, then what do you do

@bolded
When I met my wife, I was seriously searching. But even in my quest, I never used the 'marriage' thing as a bargaining tool. We got friendly and let things grow, though she knew I ready. What sealed was my family's total acceptance of her, she became inseperable with my favourite sister (no fronting). And my mother took her like her own.

As per proposal, the only close question to that was 'when are we going to see your parents?'

Individual entering a relationship knows what he/she wants or the desired end. Though some guys/ladies entered with the notion of not being left behind, hence its bound to hit the rock.

For a serious relationship leading to marriage, I believe within 3-6 months, a guy should be able to know if he wants the lady for marriage and propose. 3-6months period is enough to critically study certain core attributes and characters that can't be compromised for a lasting union. If a person really wants to know someone, its easy to do though its a long road to the end. Nothing really is hidden when there is a serious interest to unravel.

I proposed after 4months of the relationship, though not a candle light hollywood proposal but decent enough to sweep any lady off her feet. I asked a straight question in the process, "..Do you like me enough to live the rest of your life with me.."

vivianc: I wouldn'T wait much, never had to wait. I keep my options open, very open. Until a man pays The bride price, my life would never revolve around him, no flaunTing and no playing wifey. We are noT exclusive until he earns it, and he would be aware of my stand.

....God bless you......
No time, for time wasters, for we have a lot of them out there.

Amelian:

....God bless you......
No time, for time wasters, for we have a lot of them out there.

No time baby, no time.

chaircover:

Is that not kind of putting pressure on him

The way i see it, one has to be selfish sometimes to achieve ultimate goal.
If your goal is to be married and you've been with someone for x amount of time then surely you both have to talk about the commonalities or shared ambition/goals.
Most people stay in undefined relationships because they are usually afraid to be alone. It really sucks sitting on hope when the dude is just enjoying free punny.

chaircover: Connoisseur, bellong. Dami, Baby and everyone else thanks for your responses.

Mine was def no ring in icecream or "will you marry me?" written in red smoke by a plane LOL

Like Dami said its a personal thing and every relationship is different, but I just worry about what happens when one party is just being carried along like Connoisseur explained in one of his earlier posts and hoping and hoping that the guy will pop the question

I believe there are teltale sigbs that shows where a relationship is headed. its just that most times peeps are blinded by emotions(love) such that even when they see these signs, they take it to mean the exact opposite.

Another question for the guys this time. How will you feel if a lady proposed to you? Would you accept it or feel threatened and run a mile?

It happebed to me at a time when I wasnt ready. She played a tape about some yankee guy coming for her and she refused on the basis that she was in a serious relationship. I told her right then that I shouldnt be the reason she rejects the guy, I aint ready simple.

A question for all . . . do you really really know deep down in you that this is the one?

I had a gf then I believed was the 'one'. Every rhing worked on well till the test results came. She is AS and same with me. So even though I felt she was the one, it didnt turn out so. So fate have a hand in some of these things.

chaircover: Thanks Slimyem.

but if a lady says . ."if you dont want me let me go and dont waste my time", and the man proposes the next day, is that seen as coercion or is the lady just helping the man see beyond his nose
[s]i see that a lot on nollywood so it must be something that happens in real life a lot[/s]

A lady shouldn't use that method. Is she under pressure? Later into d marriage,she will suffer d consequences of her action. Nature gave us sixth sense,but most of us don't us it.
If a man don't want to marry me,d signs has to be there for me to know. I will start detarchin myself emotionally from him,then start withdrawing and b4 he knows it,I'm gone.if he comes back again,then I can now ask him some questions.life is too short to be wasted like that.also its not all that good to put ur eggs in one baskets either.wouldn't want a man to c me as desperate even if I am.
Got to keep my dignity intact.
And I won't coerce him.
U can never know what d other side holds for u until u cross over.

Connoisseur:


It happebed to me at a time when I wasnt ready. She played a tape about some yankee guy coming for her and she refused on the basis that she was in a serious relationship. I told her right then that I shouldnt be the reason she rejects the guy, I aint ready simple.
.

That^^^ is the main problem. My ex. He didn't marry until I had my first child. He was positive we will end up together and I'll relocate. . Poor guy, I just didn't have the 'zing' I had and still feel with my Alakowe then & now hubby rugged, arrogant, alagidi turns me on

My point; live your life , like an open book without sexual commitments that'll hurt you later if it goes downhill .

vivianc: I wouldn'T wait much, never had to wait. I keep my options open, very open. Until a man pays The bride price, my life would never revolve around him, no flaunTing and no playing wifey. We are noT exclusive until he earns it, and he would be aware of my stand.

Yep,this reminds me of my visitors today.a guy and a babe.after eating,d gal went to d kitchen and started washing plates and co.I tried to get her out but she insisted and I let her be.that's a clear msg to me she want to impress us but I just didn't buy that.d guy didn't tell us anything(BIL) well,whatever that works for anybody,but I don't think I can do that.

chaircover:

Another question for the guys this time. How will you feel if a lady proposed to you? Would you accept it or feel threatened and run a mile?

If my wife had proposed to me, it would have made the job easy for me. I am not in the school of thought that denigrate a lady for expressing her undying love and feelings.

chaircover:

A question for all . . . do you really really know deep down in you that this is the one?

When you meet the right person, if a thorough searching and probe of the heart is done, there is always that connection and assurance deep down devoid of emotional sentiments.