Guys, I need an honest opinion. A few years back ( 3yrs back to be precise ) I met met this wonderful person, but not perfect person( who is perfect anyways ) , that I love. We started dating and everything was good. Initially, He didnt tell me about his kids that he had with a woman that he was engaged to but not married to. I got furious after finding out ( through facebook of cause ) that he had two kids (around 6yrs and 4yrs) with the woman in question, nevertheless we talked about it though not thouroughly and I forgave him.
It turned out that him and the babymama were cohabiting out of Nigeria ( in Italy ) and they had two kids together. When we met, in hindsight It is now clear that him and the babymama were not really over. Nonetheless, when he met, he moved to the UK, and left the babymama in Italy for reasons know to him ( looks like he was trying to end their relationship). After two years in the UK, he is back in Nigeria running his own business( which is doing pretty well ) . In all these years we were communicating perfectly and he would visit me though I never visited him while out of the country ( Nigeria), but I have visited him while in Naija and there was nothing that made me suspect anything. I have not met his kids, since they are with their mother in Italy, but I have met his family

Anyways, fastforward>>>>>>>>>>> the guy has proposed. I am just so confused and uncomfortable with the proposal, reason being
1. Since he lied initially and didnt tell me about the kids, I do not think that I managed to gain confidence and trust him again.
2. After all these years, I now think that its not fair for the baby mama to be dumped just like that and be left with two kids.Though I do not have full knowledge of what happened and I dont wanna know
3. I am the selfless type and I feel that God will judge me in my marriage if I do not convince him to go back to the babymama.
4. I am not convinced that him and the babymama are on the same page with regards to their relationship. ( The babymama still wants him with her whole being.
5. I am not convinced that I will have peace in my marriage when there is a woman sulking at the side for being left with two kids and whom they were angaged to each other
6. I think I am the " ALL OR NOTHING'' type, I am not sure if I can handle a man with such baggage.

By the ways, I do not have kids of my own, and I am not in a rush.

My partner is loving, caring, spoils me, brother, friend, good listener, provider, intelligent, funny, doesn't smoke or drink, likes travelling ( he has taken me to different vacations and we have three more coming soon, we also share the same religion and more

He is also, selfish sometimes, lies sometimes and a bit harsh at times,repeats same mistakes that were previously addressed but does have the descency to apologise

As much as he IS good he is also imperfect just as much as I am.

I asked him to give me time to think about his proposal. He will be expecting me to tell him on our next planned vacation coming in November where I have chosen three destinations courtesy of him.

I do not wanna to hurt him and neither I do not want to raise his hope, at the same time I am a bit unsure because of my points stated above.

I dont want to regret for any decision made though decision are always not perfect. I need your input just to weigh my options.

PLEASE ADVICE

ANY INSULTS, I AM READY TO SLAP YOUR FACE

you should first check to see if its only one baby mama in the picture, or others that might have skipped his memory.

My dear. Firstly The fact that you had to find out the truth from Facebook and not from him is all the warning signs that you need. Secondly the way he just disregarded his wife and kids(i cant help but wonder if he will do the same to you since he has done it before).

I truly believe if you want to get married than you need to be 100 percent sure and you do not seem sure.

You need to be very careful. My advise is not rush into anything you may live to regret.

i didnt even notice she said she found it out on facebook.

I can't help but think you're with this man because of his money.

I mayb wrong, but something tells me its money that is keeping you in this relationship MAJORLY. I am sorry that it sounds somehow. Examine yourself well. What do u like in a man and what do u like in him. Your priorities may be your problem

Wu Zetian: I can't help but think you're with this man because of his money.

My thoughts exactly

Royal^Pearl^:
My thoughts exactly

royal pearl, i sent you a pm

anyaekekehinde:
royal pearl, i sent you a pm

I have not checked my mail.

tpia@:
you should first check to see if its only one baby mama in the picture, or others that might have skipped his memory.

Thank you, I will take your advice though his family assured me that there are only two kids.

queen_of_sheba: My dear. Firstly The fact that you had to find out the truth from Facebook and not from him is all the warning signs that you need. Secondly the way he just disregarded his wife and kids(i cant help but wonder if he will do the same to you since he has done it before).

I truly believe if you want to get married than you need to be 100 percent sure and you do not seem sure.

You need to be very careful. My advise is not rush into anything you may live to regret.

Thank you, i get your point, though when he explained, he said he thought I was never gonna date him if he told me the truth about the kids. But he said he was planning to tell me at a later stage.Then I did not find the reason good enough. I am not in a rush, I just want to think things through very carefully.

Wu Zetian: I can't help but think you're with this man because of his money.

anyaekekehinde: I mayb wrong, but something tells me its money that is keeping you in this relationship MAJORLY. I am sorry that it sounds somehow. Examine yourself well. What do u like in a man and what do u like in him. Your priorities may be your problem

Well in the beginning, the guy did not tell me the whole truth about his business interests. He said he was testing me to see where he stands with me. After finding out the truth about the kids, I forgave him, I still I had no knowledge of his business interests. The house he lives in is also not posh for me to have been convinced that he makes money. The holidays we took in the past were also well planned way in advance. Its only this year that he came clean with regards to his business interests when he proposed. He asked about what properties I have and everything regarding my financials. All along I had no knowledge. I guess I may be ignorant. I make my own descent living, so I was never interested in knowing how much he makes. Also the fact that I dated well off guys before, after that I vowed that I will never go through that route again.

So, nope, its not his money at all.

@ anyaekekehinde, But then if you read my post, I listed things that I like about him and some that I do not like about him. all had nothing to do with money except holidays. Yes, I love travelling ( who doesnt ), but the rest its his character.

@OP
There are many women in Europe whose husbands have abandoned with kids because they know the welfare system will look after them. Many of these men and their wives are EU passport holders who just want to make use of the loopholes available to milk the system. They'll claim they are separated or even divorced so that their wives and children can get benefits while they enjoy their new found 'single' life.

What they usually do is to move their family to a different EU country especially UK with generous welfare while they stay in another country claiming they are separated. I know a lot of 'abandoned' women like these in Manchester and you cannot but wonder who keeps impregnating them only to find out that there husbands usually breeze in from Germany, Italy etc to get the job done

So while I will not dispute that he may want to marry you I'm very sure that the purpose is just to make you as is Nigerian wife no more no less. His children and wife will always be an important part of his life.
These set of men are very greedy, self centred and irresponsible, how do you think a man with 2 kids to cater for have so much money to take you on vacations? The answer is obviously they are simply milking on the govt welfare. A man that is not there for his family and fails to provide guidance for his children especially when they need him most is nothing but an irresponsible man.

funnyx: @OP
There are many women in Europe whose husbands have abandoned with kids because they know the welfare system will look after them. Many of these men and their wives are EU passport holders who just want to make use of the loopholes available to milk the system. They'll claim they are separated or even divorced so that their wives and children can get benefits while they enjoy their new found 'single' life.

What they usually do is to move their family to a different EU country especially UK with generous welfare while they stay in another country claiming they are separated. I know a lot of 'abandoned' women like these in Manchester and you cannot but wonder who keeps impregnating them only to find out that there husbands usually breeze in from Germany, Italy etc to get the job done

So while I will not dispute that he may want to marry you I'm very sure that the purpose is just to make you as is Nigerian wife no more no less. His children and wife will always be an important part of his life.
These set of men are very greedy, self centred and irresponsible, how do you think a man with 2 kids to cater for have so much money to take you on vacations? The answer is obviously they are simply milking on the govt welfare. A man that is not there for his family and fails to provide guidance for his children especially when they need him most is nothing but an irresponsible man.

@funnyx, Ooooouch, that was too sore. Its sound so honest and possibly true
Your input makes me wanna put on my Nike sneakers and run towards the North. Too much wahala. Thanks anyways, I really appreciate your advice, its an eye opener.
Come to think of it with my current passport there are plenty opportunities with regards to scholarships. I just completed my Honours Degree with the help of my brother and parents ( God bless them ), and I have been applying for scholarships to study for my Masters anywhere in Canada or America, and he was very supportive. I kept on wondering what type of marriage are we gonna have while he is in Naija, and I in another country and his kids in another country. It crossed my mind that he may still wants to enjoy his single life somehow while he is married. I will seriously look into it and make my decision and follow my heart.

Hope my heart has very sharp eyes.

THANKS.

Nonso23: ^^^not convincing still.... your initial post emphasized greatly and continuously on your vacations and how you loved them .... tell yourself the truth even if it hurts...

@Nonso, Nonso. Its the truth naaa. But thanks for your criticism.

@ Poster.. This is clearly not God's will for you in life.. Kindly move on with your life and God will bring another man to you. This man should go and focus on his kids and their mother and allow a bright young woman like you be found by another man who is not carrying any form of 'baggage' in his life.

Godmouth: @ Poster.. This is clearly not God's will for you in life.. Kindly move on with your life and God will bring another man to you. This man should go and focus on his kids and their mother and allow a bright young woman like you be found by another man who is not carrying any form of 'baggage' in his life.

As hard as it is to face your honest advice, Thank you very much, I will definitely consider it. May God Bless you.

The fact that he lied about his kids is a big reg flag. Once you are interested in someone romantically, you should inform them of any child(ren) within minutes. Secondly, how can you accept a proposal when he has not told you exactly what transpired between him and his ex? you have the right to this information and he refuses to give you detail information, that is another big red flag.

I think you need to write down his good qualities and bad qualities to see which you can tolerate. We all have flaws, we are not all perfect. But you need to pick the flaws and imperfections you can tolerate and live with comfortably without heartache.

BTW, There is nothing wrong with wanting to marry well off, it just shouldn't be the primary reason.

Omo_Alata: The fact that he lied about his kids is a big reg flag. Once you are interested in someone romantically, you should inform them of any child(ren) within minutes. Secondly, how can you accept a proposal when he has not told you exactly what transpired between him and his ex? you have the right to this information and he refuses to give you detail information, that is another big red flag.

I think you need to write down his good qualities and bad qualities to see which you can tolerate. We all have flaws, we are not all perfect. But you need to pick the flaws and imperfections you can tolerate and live with comfortably without heartache.

BTW, There is nothing wrong with wanting to marry well off, it just shouldn't be the primary reason.

@Omo Alata, Thank you very much. I think listing what I like and dont like about him will help, though I have done it before. There are a lot of things I like about him. But revisiting the list will surely help.

Thank you.

There is no easy way to say this. Stay away from this fraudulent man. He lied to you at first, he has abandoned his responsibilities. This is who will potentially be the father of your own children?

It is not up to you to " push him back to his wife and kids". Your responsibility is to yourself. See the red lights flashing brightly, do the right thing and get out while you can before you make a silly mistake and become baby mama #X.

You seem like an intelligent lady. Nothing about this guy says potential! There are lots of great guys out there that will make you even happier. Being with this one is signing up for a life of hurt and shadiness. Oh and his family will say all the right things, who no like better? They want him to have a wife here that will bear grandkids that they can interact with; don't think they have your best interest at heart (unless one member is touched by God to tell you the truth).
This guy sounds too much like a case I have heard of, fear won't let me mention his name. Save yourself the trouble.

jumbotron: There is no easy way to say this. Stay away from this fraudulent man. He lied to you at first, he has abandoned his responsibilities. This is who will potentially be the father of your own children?

It is not up to you to " push him back to his wife and kids". Your responsibility is to yourself. See the red lights flashing brightly, do the right thing and get out while you can before you make a silly mistake and become baby mama #X.

You seem like an intelligent lady. Nothing about this guy says potential! There are lots of great guys out there that will make you even happier. Being with this one is signing up for a life of hurt and shadiness. Oh and his family will say all the right things, who no like better? They want him to have a wife here that will bear grandkids that they can interact with; don't think they have your best interest at heart (unless one member is touched by God to tell you the truth).
This guy sounds too much like a case I have heard of, fear won't let me mention his name. Save yourself the trouble.

@ jumbotron at the highlighted, I just felt that its the right thing to do as a Christian, and since me and the man are the best of friends, I thought he may llisten to me.

jumbotron: There is no easy way to say this. Stay away from this fraudulent man. He lied to you at first, he has abandoned his responsibilities. This is who will potentially be the father of your own children?

It is not up to you to " push him back to his wife and kids". Your responsibility is to yourself. See the red lights flashing brightly, do the right thing and get out while you can before you make a silly mistake and become baby mama #X.

You seem like an intelligent lady. Nothing about this guy says potential! There are lots of great guys out there that will make you even happier. Being with this one is signing up for a life of hurt and shadiness. Oh and his family will say all the right things, who no like better? They want him to have a wife here that will bear grandkids that they can interact with; don't think they have your best interest at heart (unless one member is touched by God to tell you the truth).
This guy sounds too much like a case I have heard of, fear won't let me mention his name. Save yourself the trouble.

at the highlighted, you seem like you personally know the guy in question.
It also looks like you just registered today after seeing my thread which sounded axactly like someone you know. Tufiakwa.

As @ funnyx said its common in Europe, it maybe the same script but different actors
Or same script and same actors.

Anyways thanks for the advice, I will definitely take it into consideration. All you said makes good sense. God Bless you.

Wu Zetian: I can't help but think you're with this man because of his money.

. Right on point. It's all about d money. If he is a struggling guy, this lady would dump him as soon as she found that the secret he was hiding.

[quote
author=Lucasbalo]. Right on point. It's all about d money. If he is a
struggling guy, this lady would dump him as soon as she found that the
secret he was hiding. [/quote]

OK, JUDGE LUCAS. THANK U.

Thank you all of you.

I find it unfair to be jugded that I stayed with the guy because of money. Before I met him, I had a life that I was living and I was very content. I still have a very descent life and decent bright future plans ahead of me.

The person who gets judged here in myself who found MYSELF loving somoeone with baggage and the MAN in question.

No one has said that the babymama was dumb by selling herself short. Being "ENGAGED DOES NOT AMOUNT TO BEING MARRIED" , NO MATTER WHAT AGREEMENT YOU HAD WITH THE MAN. Woman need to drill that through their thick skull.

So one suffers such consequences of playing house with a man who is not married to you.
What if the first child was not even their agreement. What if she used it to trap the man, and the man conformed by engaging or staying with her, only to realise later that its not what he wanted? Eeeeehhh

The man has flaws, yes, as much as I have, but there is also a very good side about him. So I feel man are too much judged in the matters of the heart as evil culprits while woman are supposedly always victims.

So being judged that I stayed with him because of money is so unfair, while no one judges her of her stupidity.

Judging a man that he is also irresponsible and all, is also not fair. Some girls out there go out of their way to force the ''MRS'' title. Mistake Baby number one while not married is understandable but baby number two is just plain stupidity and one suffers such consequences. Its also not fair to label the man as irresponsible when he tries his level best to support the kids emotionally and financially.
If the man is not happy in any relationship, I feel that they have every right to leave. As much as woman have a right to leave if they are not happy.
Why should a man be compelled to stay where he is not happy for the rest of his life??

YES, him lying to me was also not called for I am not condoning such behavior.

The world sometimes is too much judgemental on man.

I believe that woman hold the key to anything.
1. We hold the key to eradicate babymama normal abnormalcy.
2. We hold the key to eradicate cohabitation.
3. We hold the key to being respected by respecting ourselves. If we do not respect ourselves, how do we expect the next person to respect us let alone the man we are dating
4. We hold the key to always using birth controls and condoms etc.
5. We hold the key to a lot of things

We have lost our core values and respect as woman and we go around blaming man.

I think you should get to know his baby mama, or at least make sure she knows of you, thats the only way you can be sure there's no foul play. People make wrong decisions sometimes, that he failed to disclose his two kids at first could be excused. He didnt know they were gonna get serious is enough reason for me. His baby mama still wants him, are u sure you will be willing to have a rival that has such a hold on ur spouse? 2 kids is not beans o. Personally the only time I'll get involved with a man with kids is if their mom's dead.

chineloSA: Thank you all of you.

I find it unfair to be jugded that I stayed with the guy because of money. Before I met him, I had a life that I was living and I was very content. I still have a very descent life and decent bright future plans ahead of me.

The person who gets judged here in myself who found MYSELF loving somoeone with baggage and the MAN in question.

No one has said that the babymama was dumb by selling herself short. Being "ENGAGED DOES NOT AMOUNT TO BEING MARRIED" , NO MATTER WHAT AGREEMENT YOU HAD WITH THE MAN. Woman need to drill that through their thick skull.

So one suffers such consequences of playing house with a man who is not married to you.
What if the first child was not even their agreement. What if she used it to trap the man, and the man conformed by engaging or staying with her, only to realise later that its not what he wanted? Eeeeehhh

The man has flaws, yes, as much as I have, but there is also a very good side about him. So I feel man are too much judged in the matters of the heart as evil culprits while woman are supposedly always victims.

So being judged that I stayed with him because of money is so unfair, while no one judges her of her stupidity.

Judging a man that he is also irresponsible and all, is also not fair. Some girls out there go out of their way to force the ''MRS'' title. Mistake Baby number one while not married is understandable but baby number two is just plain stupidity and one suffers such consequences. Its also not fair to label the man as irresponsible when he tries his level best to support the kids emotionally and financially.
If the man is not happy in any relationship, I feel that they have every right to leave. As much as woman have a right to leave if they are not happy.
Why should a man be compelled to stay where he is not happy for the rest of his life??

YES, him lying to me was also not called for I am not condoning such behavior.

The world sometimes is too much judgemental on man.

I believe that woman hold the key to anything.
1. We hold the key to eradicate babymama normal abnormalcy.
2. We hold the key to eradicate cohabitation.
3. We hold the key to being respected by respecting ourselves. If we do not respect ourselves, how do we expect the next person to respect us let alone the man we are dating
4. We hold the key to always using birth controls and condoms etc.
5. We hold the key to a lot of things

We have lost our core values and respect as woman and we go around blaming man.

U forgot to add:
6. U hold the key to ur future happiness or sadness!
I see u already made up ur mind to accept him, ur here 4 validation! I say go ahead ma'm

find your own husband.

chineloSA: Thank you all of you.

I find it unfair to be jugded that I stayed with the guy because of money. Before I met him, I had a life that I was living and I was very content. I still have a very descent life and decent bright future plans ahead of me.

The person who gets judged here in myself who found MYSELF loving somoeone with baggage and the MAN in question.

No one has said that the babymama was dumb by selling herself short. Being "ENGAGED DOES NOT AMOUNT TO BEING MARRIED" , NO MATTER WHAT AGREEMENT YOU HAD WITH THE MAN. Woman need to drill that through their thick skull.

So one suffers such consequences of playing house with a man who is not married to you.
What if the first child was not even their agreement. What if she used it to trap the man, and the man conformed by engaging or staying with her, only to realise later that its not what he wanted? Eeeeehhh

The man has flaws, yes, as much as I have, but there is also a very good side about him. So I feel man are too much judged in the matters of the heart as evil culprits while woman are supposedly always victims.

So being judged that I stayed with him because of money is so unfair, while no one judges her of her stupidity.

Judging a man that he is also irresponsible and all, is also not fair. Some girls out there go out of their way to force the ''MRS'' title. Mistake Baby number one while not married is understandable but baby number two is just plain stupidity and one suffers such consequences. Its also not fair to label the man as irresponsible when he tries his level best to support the kids emotionally and financially.
If the man is not happy in any relationship, I feel that they have every right to leave. As much as woman have a right to leave if they are not happy.
Why should a man be compelled to stay where he is not happy for the rest of his life??

YES, him lying to me was also not called for I am not condoning such behavior.

The world sometimes is too much judgemental on man.

I believe that woman hold the key to anything.
1. We hold the key to eradicate babymama normal abnormalcy.
2. We hold the key to eradicate cohabitation.
3. We hold the key to being respected by respecting ourselves. If we do not respect ourselves, how do we expect the next person to respect us let alone the man we are dating
4. We hold the key to always using birth controls and condoms etc.
5. We hold the key to a lot of things

We have lost our core values and respect as woman and we go around blaming man.

all the rubbish you have typed does not change the fact that you sre contemplating marrying someone's else HUSBAND.

thou shalt not commit adultery or lust over what is not biblically or legally yours

Darling, you are not ready to marry. You stayed with him even after knowing but it's not fair to either of you if accepted the proposal under a cloud of doubt. You can be straight with him upon rejection. The truth may help fix things between you both, or allow for closure before moving on. All the best x

dis is de same case with Mercy Johnson Okojie.

See, the best person to understand my predicament is Annie Macaulay - Idibia.
Make I pick up the phone and call her.

THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU LOTS.

MY DECISION WILL BE WISER. YOU WILL GET MY UPDATE IN FUTURE.