Yield: OP, you're the one who has been enabling him., e.g. giving him access to all your ATMs. You said you would be in the office and receiving withdrawal alerts!). You loaned him your brother's money for a business, which didn't succeed. You then gave him N2.5million for another business, which also went down the drain. The fact that he didn't want to tell you how he spent the money and he got angry whenever you asked is dishonest. You offered to pay for him to continue doing his professional exams so he could move forward, but he refused. The company he was working for called him back for work, but he turned them down! Him warning you not to tell anyone what's going on is a bad idea. You said he also brags when he's not even the one who has been working for the money he is spending recklessly! He wants to keep everything in the closet and continue this destructive behaviour of eating all your money. Stop enabling him! You just had a baby, so at this time he should doing his best to provide for you and making sure you and your child are comfortable. He is not doing that! Whatever you do, make sure you set your eyes on you child's future and his/her well-being. Don't let it get to the point where you will not have a roof over a head all because of a lazy, undisciplined man. He needs to get a job. I would not listen to the individual who said you should get a joint-account, my dear you will just find yourself on the streets, so please do not do that.

I agree with this. First of all I still find it hard to believe that these kinda men exist. OP, you are really encouraging him to be lazy and sorry but you must take part of the blame here. This man is not a teen, but a full grown adult. He is just taking advantage of you and you should stop it, because he wouldnt stop. You need to talk to anyone he respects and let them know what is going on and you also need to put an immediate stop to all you are giving him. You are a Christian, and I am sure you have read the part of the Bible that says the violent take it by force. This one cannot be solved by sweet talk but by force and confrontation. You may bruise his ego or make him sad, but its all for the best. He will get over it and become a better man.

For the Lady in the UK, I know paying for Tier 1 visa is alot. One option might be to relocate to Nigeria once you get you ILR or Passport. It seems your husband has started trying to get a job, and if he can't find something tangible in the UK, may be he should move back for a while or both of you should move back after getting your papers. Getting a job in a foreign country may be difficult if he did not school there. Good thing for you is that you at least know he is taking you for a ride and you are trying to help yourself.

Am sure the guy is from Isale eko....lol......wonders shall neva end sha#

eyitayoemmanuel: Opening a secret account is a must for me at this point but sincerely I never planned to be secretive to my husband.

Why can't you just put your foot down instead of doing hide and seek?

For how long do you want to be doing that really?

*falls off my chair* Arakunrin yi, why are U like this naa? Lwtmb! To clarify U on that, they have paid it and now, the hubby is about running her aground financially. IOU @ work na im remain. @post, I go with Bellong's.quote author=tellwisdom]Have you returned the money he squandered?? Cos that's my concern [/quote]

Hmmmmm......things dey happen sha o....

keepingmum: hmmm, poster i empathize with you. I am in exactly the same boat as you except i have been married 9yrs plus now (hubby been jobless 7yrs plus) and you have family members that at least you can run to for large sums of money i don't. My child is already 7yrs i cant have another child because we cant afford to. Not that i am comparing my marriage with others but people who married after we did already have 3 kids (we had planned on 3 kids before).
It is well with you and God will guide you aright.

After several promises, sweet and hard talks, deadlines, In march this year, i stopped sleeping with hubby and hell let loose. After the storm, he has gotten used to the fact that i am not bulging. I still send him job application emails, still cook and clean and do everything else except shags!! He accused me of belittling him, not having faith/confidence in him, not been a supportive wife, bla bla bla (btw this is someone who alongside his family supported his sister to dump her hubby of 3 yrs after the guy lost his job for 10 months oo) i just developed thick skin and focused on my job & child and maintaining peace in my home bar the koko

. Fast forward to the autumn, I gave him till next year march to start earning an income either via business/employment, he huffed and puffed again and has made promises to deal with me once he starts working. I ignored and didn’t even argue with him. I have carried on everything as per usual and the peace of mind I have in me now is just great. He has realised that I have changed and I don’t seem bothered anymore nor do I seem interested in fighting so he’s now buckled up becos the deadline is fast approaching and he isn’t getting shagged which perhaps seems to be the motiviating factor (who knows). With time we’ll see if I made the right choice so I wish you well and I pray God through his mercies answers us all.

I really feel your pain ma'am, but it's obvious your husband will ' revenge ' when he's back on his feet. My mother's cousin was in the same position as your husband some years ago, he later became Deputy Governor Governor of a State in naija. Will you be ready to cope if your husband strikes back? What happens if things don't happen for him by your deadline? I agree that you should challenge him but any approach you use should let you eat your cake and have it at the same time. Life is a funny place.

. brb

i agree with ifyalways. op don't open any secret account. don't deactivate ur atm cards, don't question ur hubby on how he spends money, don't ask him to help out at home and don't put urself and your kids first!

ur husband is your better half, your only half and part of ur job description is to make him happy always. he is the head of the home, dress him up as such.its important that he keep up appearances so borrow money if u have to and set up another biz for him and if it fails, keep trying still.

he is a loving husband and ur home is peaceful. u should be contented, don't try to shake up things. set up a policy for him and the kids incase u are no more. u are a virtuous woman, ur reward is in heaven.

Urine:

I really feel your pain ma'am, but it's obvious your husband will ' revenge ' when he's back on his feet. My mother's cousin was in the same position as your husband some years ago, he later became Deputy Governor Governor of a State in naija. Will you be ready to cope if your husband strikes back? What happens if things don't happen for him by your deadline? I agree that you should challenge him but any approach you use should let you eat your cake and have it at the same time. Life is a funny place.

Love this ur name o!
Urine.

bolseas:
...then change the password of your online bank.

tactically collect your ATM Cards from him or you write to the bank(s) to block your ATM cards.

I support these suggestions.
You have tolerated him enough!
Even the Bible says a man who can't take care of his household is worse than an infidel-1st Timothy 5:8.
Please do this calmly and with wisdom.

If he asks for money and you calmly and sternly say no, what will happen? Will he physically abuse you? Woman, this is the time to be tough!

yellowpawpaw:
Love this ur name o!
Urine.

Thanks.

He doesn't drink nor womanize and yet your money can't be accounted for.... Yeah, keep deceiving yourself

Yield: OP, you're the one who has been enabling him., e.g. giving him access to all your ATMs. You said you would be in the office and receiving withdrawal alerts!). You loaned him your brother's money for a business, which didn't succeed. You then gave him N2.5million for another business, which also went down the drain. The fact that he didn't want to tell you how he spent the money and he got angry whenever you asked is dishonest. You offered to pay for him to continue doing his professional exams so he could move forward, but he refused. The company he was working for called him back for work, but he turned them down! Him warning you not to tell anyone what's going on is a bad idea. You said he also brags when he's not even the one who has been working for the money he is spending recklessly! He wants to keep everything in the closet and continue this destructive behaviour of eating all your money. Stop enabling him! You just had a baby, so at this time he should be doing his best to provide for you and making sure you and your child are comfortable. He is not doing that; he's not even doing anything at all. Whatever you do, make sure you set your eyes on you child's future and his/her well-being. Don't let it get to the point where you will not have a roof over your heads all because of a lazy, undisciplined man. He needs to get a job. I would not listen to the individual who said you should get a joint-account, my dear you will just find yourself on the streets, so please do not do that. Seek the help of a financial advisor and tell him/her what's going on. They will look at your accounts and further advice you. If he doesn't want to go along with you because he's proud or doesn't think he has a problem, then you go alone. At this point, you want to do what is best for yourself and new baby.

Gbam

gree-die:
i agree with ifyalways. op don't open any secret account. don't deactivate ur atm cards, don't question ur hubby on how he spends money, don't ask him to help out at home and don't put urself and your kids first!

ur husband is your better half, your only half and part of ur job description is to make him happy always. he is the head of the home, dress him up as such.its important that he keep up appearances so borrow money if u have to and set up another biz for him and if it fails, keep trying still.

he is a loving husband and ur home is peaceful. u should be contented, don't try to shake up things. set up a policy for him and the kids incase u are no more. u are a virtuous woman, ur reward is in heaven.

What is this that my eyes are seeing??
Wonders shall never end

Chinwem:

What is this that my eyes are seeing??
Wonders shall never end

S is for sarcasm...

Sadly this is the awful reality most women married to jobless husbands are facing. My mum tells me of how some of her teacher colleagues solely fend for the family and also have to tolerate their husband's excesses. The men gets frustrated after some time and start to take their frustrations out on their wives and kids. These are men that would say certain jobs are beneath them, yet they demand they wives to submit their salaries to them every month. One even called his wife the witch that is impeding his progress but he's the one collecting salary from his wife. If that's not shameless I wonder what it is

As for op's case, I think its high time an intervention is called for his case. Well respected friends and family members should sit him down and tell him the cold hard truth; he's LAZY!!!!!! What dignifies a man is how he provides for his family. Of course he has no sham as he has displayed before the marriage, but there's absolutely no excuse for a man to bring something to the table. There has to be someone he listen to that can drive the point across.

Madam op, you have to put your foot down and stop indulging this man. He will want to blackmail your emotions but you must not be swayed. I'm also in support of the secret bank account. Think about your child, do you want the best for him/her? How you will be able to do that if you can't afford to? Let your child be your motivation. It is well with you.

keepingmum: hmmm, poster i empathize with you. I am in exactly the same boat as you except i have been married 9yrs plus now (hubby been jobless 7yrs plus) and you have family members that at least you can run to for large sums of money i don't. My child is already 7yrs i cant have another child because we cant afford to. Not that i am comparing my marriage with others but people who married after we did already have 3 kids (we had planned on 3 kids before).
It is well with you and God will guide you aright.

After several promises, sweet and hard talks, deadlines, In march this year, i stopped sleeping with hubby and hell let loose. After the storm, he has gotten used to the fact that i am not bulging. I still send him job application emails, still cook and clean and do everything else except shags!! He accused me of belittling him, not having faith/confidence in him, not been a supportive wife, bla bla bla (btw this is someone who alongside his family supported his sister to dump her hubby of 3 yrs after the guy lost his job for 10 months oo) i just developed thick skin and focused on my job & child and maintaining peace in my home bar the koko

. Fast forward to the autumn, I gave him till next year march to start earning an income either via business/employment, he huffed and puffed again and has made promises to deal with me once he starts working. I ignored and didn’t even argue with him. I have carried on everything as per usual and the peace of mind I have in me now is just great. He has realised that I have changed and I don’t seem bothered anymore nor do I seem interested in fighting so he’s now buckled up becos the deadline is fast approaching and he isn’t getting shagged which perhaps seems to be the motiviating factor (who knows). With time we’ll see if I made the right choice so I wish you well and I pray God through his mercies answers us all.

if i were in your husband's shoes, sex would be the last thing on my mind. are you really certain not giving him sëx is the solution to the problem or having heart to heart talks to change his status quo?

marriage has gone south - the government should enact laws to hold men like this accountable for failing to fulfil their roles in the family. your thick-skin approach won't work one jot - get your husband a job or find a means for him. if the roles were reversed, he wouldn't stop having sëx with you because you are jobless.

You really helped him be useless. You took money that was not yours and gave to him and till today he has not paid it all back. If you could give him money that was not yours of course you would give him everything else. Remember that as you carry on this nonsense you are punishing your children. I really don't care about you. It is the children I feel sorry for. You are choosing to keep doing what you are doing. Please don't start with the "he does not give me peace if I don't do it". If he tells you to kill someone would you do it. Honestly your behavior makes you just as irresponsible as him.You called your SIL and she gave you her opinion but of course you totally ignored it. Open that account and do not make it a secret. Let him know the account is there but make sure he has no access. In fact show him the balance every month. If he wants to run head first into a concrete wall because you refuse to give it to him then let him do just that. One less mouth to feed.

i would advise a fire brigade approach...........if i was the lady i would look for an investment and direct the bank to collect all my monthly salaries directly for one year and put in that investment.........then keep very little for the families upkeep......i would only tell the hubby when its a done deal and irrevocable then when the very little runs out i would just sit down and look at his face.....i bet he will remember his primary role as a provider when he comes back home and discovers that there is no food.....it will be hard , and he will be pissed but it will push him to do something plus you get to invest your funds in something worthwhile.

Isnt marriage for better for worse?

[b]1. Never marry a man/woman without a clear goal. Obviously your husband doesn't have a goal.

2. Dating is not all about going out, eating and all those fancy stuff, after 2nd/3rd date, you should start studying him/her.

3. Don't ever accept a marriage proposal because he proposed, No! Say yes only because you are sure he is a man with vision and plans.

4. Whatever happens, discuss financial, educational, marital, material, parental issues before you tie the knot. If possible sign an agreement sef...

To the OP:
Sorry about your issue. You need to talk to his family (Dad and Mom), infact you can print this your write up and post it to their address if you can't talk to them without being scared or something. Just make them know what you're passing through.

If it's a court marriage, you should get the court to notify him of the commitment he made before he kissed the bride.

This might seem odd, but get this straight, your kids happiness should come ahead of yours, if you don't do anything now, you won't be able to do it tomorrow, and the day after, and next week. Don't let your kid grow up in a home with such financial issue. [/b]

I have read this thread and can just laugh. The same women who would argue for a housewife that the husband should do everything

They argue cleaning and cooking is a job on his own

Now they have a man cooking and cleaning for the woman to bring in the bacon solely has now become wahala.

Abi where are all those people?

Now a man with no job has to be denied his conjugal rights. Maybe you should just divorce him to make things easier. I hope jobless women too would have no right to demand for sex from their husband. A job is your ticket to sex with your spouse Nowadays, As Greatgid would say, May God help us
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NB: I am never in support of any partner in a marriage being lazy or playing househusband/housewife Just that its funny seeing people who usually condone that act from women now vexing when the shoe is on the other foot

gree-die:
i agree with ifyalways. op don't open any secret account. don't deactivate ur atm cards, don't question ur hubby on how he spends money, don't ask him to help out at home and don't put urself and your kids first!

ur husband is your better half, your only half and part of ur job description is to make him happy always. he is the head of the home, dress him up as such.its important that he keep up appearances so borrow money if u have to and set up another biz for him and if it fails, keep trying still.

he is a loving husband and ur home is peaceful. u should be contented, don't try to shake up things. set up a policy for him and the kids incase u are no more. u are a virtuous woman, ur reward is in heaven.

I hope for the life of me, you are being sarcastic. . .

This is serious!!! He is not even a commensal buh a parasite!
You jus hv to learn how to stand ur ground,even if it hurts u. This hurt wil b better than God forbids what wil happen if afterall ds time u loss ur job, no savings, nothing to show for it, and it no longer jus d two of u, u got a kid now.

Phder: 1. Never marry a man/woman without a clear goal. Obviously your husband doesn't have a goal.

2. Dating is not all about going out, eating and all those fancy stuff, after 2nd/3rd date, you should start studying him/her.

3. Don't ever accept a marriage proposal because he proposed, No! Say yes only because you are sure he is a man with vision and plans.

4. Whatever happens, discuss financial, educational, marital, material, parental issues before you tie the knot. If possible sign an agreement sef...

To the OP:
Sorry about your issue. You need to talk to his family (Dad and Mom), infact you can print this your write up and post it to their address if you can't talk to them without being scared or something. Just make them know what you're passing through.

If it's a court marriage, you should get the court to notify him of the commitment he made before he kissed the bride.

This might seems odd, but get this straight, you kids happiness should come ahead of yours, if you don't do anything now, you won't be able to do it tomorrow, and the day after, and next week. Don't let you kid grow up in a home with such financial issue.

Standing ovation esp @ the bolded

dayokanu: I have read this thread and can just laugh. The same women who would argue for a housewife that the husband should do everything

They argue cleaning and cooking is a job on his own

Now they have a man cooking and cleaning for the woman to bring in the bacon solely has now become wahala.
Abi where are all those people?

Now a man with no job has to be denied his conjugal rights. Maybe you should just divorce him to make things easier. I hope jobless women too would have no right to demand for sex from their husband. A job is your ticket to sex with your spouse Nowadays, As Greatgid would say, May God help us
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NB: I am never in support of any partner in a marriage being lazy or playing househusband/housewife Just that its funny seeing people who usually condone that act from women now vexing when the shoe is on the other foot

But in this case he spends money like no man's business and has full access to her accounts. A right most housewives have no access to.
As the responsible member and head of the family, that is the OP since the husband has relinquished all rights to provide, then she needs to seize such access, before this family goes bankrupt. Put him on a typical allowance and let him take care of the house and kids. Unfortunately she married a house husband, start treating him like one. Open a small kiosk for him so he can be selling indomie, biscuit and chewing gum etc.

really finding it hard to believe that such guys exist.....how do these guys think......have to meet one to understand their psyche.

stillwater:

But in this case he spends money like no man's business and has full access to her accounts. A right most housewives have no access to.
As the responsible member and head of the family, that is the OP since the husband has relinquished all rights to provide, then she needs to seize such access, before this family goes bankrupt. Put him on a typical allowance and let him take care of the house and kids. Unfortunately she married a house husband, start treating him like one. Open a small kiosk for him so he can be selling indomie, biscuit and chewing gum etc.

Lol! @ bolded!

if working husband dey open shop for housewife, make working wife open shop for househusband!

@stillwater who told you housewives don't spend anyhow. Is it because men don't come to complain? Infact it's these housewives that spend more because they don't know what it takes to make money they would be quick to tell you that how much is 100k.

I'm sure for one woman carrying the whole financial burden there are 50 men doing the same

The moment a woman does it then the whole world would hear.

Honestly, I don't have any problems with a woman picking up the bills when the husband isn't capable. What I've a problem with is that the man isn't working hard enough to get back on his feet and on top of it all, wasteful and extravagant.

Now, this is what I will do if I were in shoes. I will carry on providing for the home, but I will make sure he doesn't see or touch any raw cash. No access to my account or ATM cards. My internet banking password will be changed. I will buy the basic things needed in the home, groceries and all, but won't buy any of his personal stuffs. So he will continue wearing his old shoes, clothes, won't cut his hair, no fueling of his car, no change of undies. Nothing at all! No be person go tell am to go grab even security job sef.

You said he helps out around the house, that's a plus. He just needs focus and financial discipline. You, his wife should help him achieve that even if it takes tough love.

Now, I'm not in support of the sex withdrawal. A partner (man or woman) is entitled to that. I don't see it making him any better. He might become cranky and very frustrated. And a cranky and frustrated man is a ticking time bomb.

Lastly, you know your husband better. You know what exactly will make him budge. Just apply wisdom. Goodluck

^^^Would you be in support of a man who does exactly the same to a non working wife?

Financial issues, esp. if prolonged or continious, are one of the main causes of divorce. You need to take bold steps to save your marriage. Good luck.