TrickofTech:

Thank you for your reassuring comments. I am over it now. She did not reply to my messages, so I just text her saying that I think it probably isn't worth going any further. It will only ever be Oremi. She has now begun to contact me again and it feels like she is trying to play games again (i.e. calls me, says she will call back later and then doesn't etc.)

I have told her how I feel, how much I think of her. I have finally been honest out of respect to myself and her. She had several days to reply. She did not. As I have said. One chance. It is a shame. I respect her a lot less...even though I have asked her to just state her feelings honestly...she keeps dodging it and reverting back to game playing. Unfortunately this tells me that she is unable to be honest, think clearly and be decisive...something I also suffer from...but am trying to move past. I gave her an opportunity, I respect myself too much to keep hanging on...so my heart and head have moved on. She can play games as much as she likes now...she is just another friend. Something that will never change. Sad.

(hands Op! A glass of non-alcohib wine)
for tru luv and hapines
cheers mate!

baralatie:

(hands Op! A glass of non-alcohib wine)
for tru luv and hapines
cheers mate!

Thank you. She is still playing games ...she is calling me and telling me to come back to her. She clearly doesn't want me to move on. She knows how I feel. When I ask her to say WHY she wants me to come back, she cannot answer. She dodges. She is incapable of being honest with me. Clearly she is only interested in what I can give her rather than me and that hurts.

She is just so indecisive.Abeg drop the sorry bottom already.
Start ignoring some of her calls too and give her some space.

nipeks001: She is just so indecisive.Abeg drop the sorry bottom already.
Start ignoring some of her calls too and give her some space.

Yes. She wants me stuck in the middle. She doesn't want me to move on, but she doesn't want to commit to me. I am about to break the "One Chance" rule because I really like her...I said I would call her tonight. It is really it. She either makes a decision tonight...or I will make it for her. This is one more chance than she deserves.

It will be hard. I am realizing that she is the type that panics and gets upset when someone tries to separate from her. As I have said, I do really care about her...so this works well on me. But I cannot keep playing games like this. With any luck, if she really does have feelings for me, she will learn from the experience, that she needs to be decisive, or she will lose out.

There will be NO going back after this. I will ignore her calls for a while and remind myself that things will always be Oremi from there on.

She has a "Daddy"...she calls him and he lives out of state, visits her every now and then.

She told me her Father had died.

I now understand...

Why her mobile number is on her facebook page...but she never uses facebook
Why she used to disappear for a couple of hours at night and then reappear
Why she never talked about her day job
Why she once tried to discuss "in between jobs" with me
Why she had bundles of cash hidden in her room
Why she is 30 and is not married
Why people always seemed to be ringing her phone
Why she seemed to have really low self esteem
Why honesty scares her

Join the dots

TrickofTech: She has a "Daddy"...she calls him and he lives out of state, visits her every now and then.

She told me her Father had died.

I now understand...

Why her mobile number is on her facebook page...but she never uses facebook
Why she used to disappear for a couple of hours at night and then reappear
Why she never talked about her day job
Why she once tried to discuss "in between jobs" with me
Why she had bundles of cash hidden in her room
Why she is 30 and is not married
Why people always seemed to be ringing her phone
Why she seemed to have really low self esteem
Why honesty scares her

Join the dots

dont worry urself at al!rather count urself lucky.u stood ur ground u dnt wont nonsense & u av freed urself from strange behaviours.
Take som tim off,rest ur mind.
Now u av free mind to go an get urself a brand new gìrl that genuinely luvs & wil marry u& raise ur own family!

Honestly 4 guy-puy talk.i dnt know why u've nt met a prety girl from alaska,missisipi(hear they are gud moms,like kids and they got gud behind dat gets a guy go 'gaga')

baralatie:
dont worry urself at al!rather count urself lucky.u stood ur ground u dnt wont nonsense & u av freed urself from strange behaviours.
Take som tim off,rest ur mind.
Now u av free mind to go an get urself a brand new gìrl that genuinely luvs & wil marry u& raise ur own family!

Honestly 4 guy-puy talk.i dnt know why u've nt met a prety girl from alaska,missisipi(hear they are gud moms,like kids and they got gud behind dat gets a guy go 'gaga')

Thank you. She is a prostitute I think I just feel bad for her

TrickofTech:

Thank you. She is a prostitute I think I just feel bad for her

naaah!she just moved wit her crowd!

TrickofTech:

Thank you. She is a prostitute I think I just feel bad for her

bros, you seriously need to take things easy. Too much emotions aint good for your health. Delete her from your life wtf.. Block all d blockables and reject all rejectables, and MOVE ON! Tell her to leave you the alone.
Goodluck

baralatie:
naaah!she just moved wit her crowd!

There are not many prostitution cliches/crowds in the West! It would be difficult for a girl to even find that sort of crowd...let alone 'want' to follow it. It is illegal and immoral and degrading. Like I have said. I am not over emotional. I actually care about her. A close friend is behaving like 'that'

gcfr.com:
bros, you seriously need to take things easy. Too much emotions aint good for your health. Delete her from your life wtf.. Block all d blockables and reject all rejectables, and MOVE ON! Tell her to leave you the alone.
Goodluck

Thats really kind of you! Once again. God would be proud!

Without bringing it all up again. It is pretty much dead and buried. I just cannot understand her. What she wants.

You would think she would have at least implied whether she was or was not interested by now. Basically, I told her everything. How I always liked her but I never said anything etc. She gave no reply to that but kept contacting me.

The furthest she has got to even expressing any interest is asking me to come back to Nigeria, which she still does. I say "where will I stay?" she says with "US" not "me"..."US". I.e. her and her family. She contacted me soon after I had expressed my feelings and kept pushing to "come back"...I called her out and said "why? why? do you want me to come back? why do you want me to come back?". Then she went quiet and began saying that her, her brother, her mother all want me to come back.

I am tired of playing these games with her. She flashed me one night and I called back, she blocked the call 3 times. I thought "stuff it...I am not going to talk to her for a while, even as a friend". For the next 3 nights she called me everyday but I just ignored it. I get the feeling that she wants me as some kind of self esteem boost. She wants to be able to tap me up to express my feelings for her. When we discussed me moving back to Nigeria hypothetically, she said "you can stay in one of the bedrooms, but no fun". Is she saying that she wants me as some kind of penis-less man to tell her how great she is? She has already said that she has "boyfriends" a few months ago she said that she had a "partner". What is wrong with her? After 4 days of ignoring her calls I called her back and the first thing she said in a worried/sad voice was "are you fighting with us?" I asked her what she meant and she said "are you fighting with me? You do not return my calls". She sounded quiet and upset.

I know she is a born again christian looking for "a husband". I know she has "boyfriends" although she assures me this has a different meaning in Nigeria. I cannot tell if she is genuinely innocent and trying to play games with me because she wants me. Or if she is a liar. All her born again stuff is rubbish. That actually she has many partners who she is sleeping with. She just wants me as someone to boost her self esteem when she wants it.

I just don't get her. Perhaps it is the cultural differences.

If you really like this girl (which I'm sure you do cos I've seen your first post on the same issue many months ago)

You clearly haven't gotten over this lady. The mixed signals you're getting from her is probably driving you crazy.

I can't really can't begin to explain the typical Nigerian girl relationship psyche to you, but I actually understand her. I think she's in love with you but having a more archaic view about relationships she can't simply tell you that. Don't keep asking all those questions as you'll never get a straight answer.

Be courageous and tell her how you feel about her and what you really want. That is of course if you want to be with her. Stop trying to get into her head and take that first step.

Amya: If you really like this girl (which I'm sure you do cos I've seen your first post on the same issue many months ago)

You clearly haven't gotten over this lady. The mixed signals you're getting from her is probably driving you crazy.

I can't really can't begin to explain the typical Nigerian girl relationship psyche to you, but I actually understand her. I think she's in love with you but having a more archaic view about relationships she can't simply tell you that. Don't keep asking all those questions as you'll never get a straight answer.

Be courageous and tell her how you feel about her and what you really want. That is of course if you want to be with her. Stop trying to get into her head and take that first step.

Thank you for your kind words. It is good to have someone understand the situation. I probably will never get over her. I keep trying to tell myself that it was nothing...but the situation we were in, but everytime I talk to her, I just feel so calm. There are few women that I can just look at eye to eye without saying anything, we did this a number of times in Naija. I didn't feel nervous, it didn't feel uncomfortable. I felt like I understood her pretty well, even though we had only been together for a few months. Even when she calls now, I don't feel any nerves and I love talking to her. I miss her a lot and I really hope I see her again one day.

The thing I find difficult is that it would be such a bold move to go to be with her. Drop everything, just leave. Based on what? My feelings for her...travel thousands of miles to tell her how I feel, based on a hunch. She says that she wants me there...but why? I almost became part of the family, but is this what she wants? Someone around to dote on her until she gets bored. Or does she want something more. If she wanted something more, it would be worth considering. Even then I would have to explain everything to my family and tackle their attempts to persuade me not to. They will assume that I am being scammed, that she wants a green card. I in NO WAY think Nigerians are like this generally, but it is what some people will think. After all, they have not been to Nigeria and they have not shared the same experiences. I do worry about her intentions, but it would be difficult to have that kind of conversation with her. She has mentioned travelling, wanting to be "saved" and wanting to travel. I don't want to be used and manipulated like that...but she seems genuine.

The thing is. I did (and still do) love her. I was in awe of her. She wasn't a super model and she wasn't drop dead gorgeous. She was pretty loud, bossy and intolerant. But her smile and her eyes and her laugh got me everytime and she she could be so kind and thoughtful. I just wanted to spend as much time with her as possible. I just wanted to sit and talk with her for hours. She seemed to use every opportunity to be around me too. I just wanted to be with her and when I was, I was completely at peace. I have told her my feelings and that I think she is special. Because to me she was unique, I have never felt like this about any woman and I want to tell her how special she is. She was beautiful in a way that cannot be described and if I never see her again, I will always remember her.

An oyinbo living in Nigeria long term would be an interesting experience too! I remember it well! I would be treated as a foreigner and outsider by ALOT of people. I would most certainly be treated as different. Regardless of how much Yoruba I learn, how many ankara suits I wear, how much pound yam, gari and amala I eat!!!

lol

@Op, My advice is dat U should leave her. I dont think she loves U. I know her kind. It will be good if U can stop being friends with her because thats the excuse U r giving urself. Naija babes dont like dating a guy dat they are older than talkless of marrying. The lady is confused and it is glaring that she loves d attention U r giving her and not U. 4get her bro, U are better than that. U seem smart, and I think U deserve better. Dont come to Nigeria because of her!!! Trust me it aint worth it.

sarbest001: @Op, My advice is dat U should leave her. I dont think she loves U. I know her kind. It will be good if U can stop being friends with her because thats the excuse U r giving urself. Naija babes dont like dating a guy dat they are older than talkless of marrying. The lady is confused and it is glaring that she loves d attention U r giving her and not U. 4get her bro, U are better than that. U seem smart, and I think U deserve better. Dont come to Nigeria because of her!!! Trust me it aint worth it.

d guy wil not listen to you.he wil start caling u names.leave him let him come!
Since he refuse to see wit his common sense!
He wil hear for im body!

I think you're the type that over thinks everything. A little spontaneity now and then isn't such a bad idea.

I wouldn't want you to travel all the way to Nigeria just to tell her how you feel. A simple phone conversation will do. tell her you love her and want to be with her (not literally) and ask her if she feels the same. Her response will be all you need to decide whether you want forge ahead with the relationship or whether to let it go for good.

The truth is you live your life for you. I always believe that if you genuinely love someone, people that genuinely care about you can't help but love that person too (especially when they see that the person makes you happy). Life is really too short to spend it over thinking inconsequential matters. Take that leap.

P.S you don't have move away from your country or your life to take the leap. It can be the other way round. Relationships are about compromise.

Amya: I think you're the type that over thinks everything. A little spontaneity now and then isn't such a bad idea.

I wouldn't want you to travel all the way to Nigeria just to tell her how you feel. A simple phone conversation will do. tell her you love her and want to be with her (not literally) and ask her if she feels the same. Her response will be all you need to decide whether you want forge ahead with the relationship or whether to let it go for good.

The truth is you live your life for you. I always believe that if you genuinely love someone, people that genuinely care about you can't help but love that person too (especially when they see that the person makes you happy). Life is really too short to spend it over thinking inconsequential matters. Take that leap.

P.S you don't have move away from your country or your life to take the leap. It can be the other way round. Relationships are about compromise.

let me summarize
+loverboy declared his intention of luv wit no hold back
+d girl neva declared anytin but explain her ....

I suggest u read al his comments!

baralatie:
let me summarize
+loverboy declared his intention of luv wit no hold back
+d girl neva declared anytin but explain her ....

I suggest u read al his comments!

My point is that I don't think she is the kind of person that declares her love for ANYONE. You seem to think that she is some street wise girl that has had partners before. That it wise to dating. I did not get that impression at all. It seemed like she was a mummies girl. Very traditional. She spent ALL of her time with her family, at church, at work or with her few female friends. She is a devout born again christian who talks about god and the bible all the time.

She did not explicitly express her love for me, true. However, she is the one that pursued me. She is the one that called me twice a week, even when I tried to forget about her and move on. She is the one that said to me "when you are you returning to Nigeria? I cannot wait forever to find a husband". She is the one that said to me "would you marry a Yoruba?" repeatedly. She is the one that said "I want to talk to your parents on the phone", when I refused and avoided that she said "she wants a husband that speaks Yourba because she would be worried about her husbands parents talking about her in a different language" HINT HINT. She is the one that calls me up, not the other way around. She is the one that flashed me...and then blocked my return call 3 times when I tried to call back. She is the one that continually asks me to return to Nigeria. She is the one that says "I just NEEDED to hear your voice" everytime she calls me. She is the one that still holds (and expresses a hope) that I will come to Nigeria within the next year. Before I even told anyone about my feelings, I asked a Nigerian friend who had stayed in the same house as us about her behavior...his take on it = " both of us seemed confused, but that she loved me"...this is without me even saying anything about my feelings.

Baralatie please confirm that you think you really do understand the situation, rather than that you just being negative and hostile towards me. That you do believe the truth of my story. Not that you just refuse to believe it possible that an oyinbo could like a Nigerian and a Nigerian could like an oyinbo. Such a situation could happen...stranger things have happened!

P.S. She has never refused, she has never told me that she is not interested. I actually would like that. If that is how she feels...then why can't she tell me that. I have even explicitly asked her to. But she just dodges the question. So what am I supposed to think?

TrickofTech: P.S. She has never refused, she has never told me that she is not interested. I actually would like that. If that is how she feels...then why can't she tell me that. I have even explicitly asked her to. But she just dodges the question. So what am I supposed to think?

I think you should calm down. Let me ask U dis questions bro; What do U actually want from her?? Do you think that she feels the same way you feel about her?? Do you think that even if she loves U, she would marry you??

In My Own Opinion, I think she likes you and that is all she feels. She doesn't want to hurt you, that is why she didn't reply you. I understand that you love her but you really have to move on. Try and call her and tell her that you really need to know how she feels about you. For God's sake you are an Adult, insist that she should tell you how she feels and see what she will say.

@op i believe she must be a very beautiful woman and she knows what she wants!
From everytin u av described she is from a strong rel background.
She is a mature woman!

sarbest001: I think you should calm down. Let me ask U dis questions bro; What do U actually want from her?? Do you think that she feels the same way you feel about her?? Do you think that even if she loves U, she would marry you??

In My Own Opinion, I think she likes you and that is all she feels. She doesn't want to hurt you, that is why she didn't reply you. I understand that you love her but you really have to move on. Try and call her and tell her that you really need to know how she feels about you. For God's sake you are an Adult, insist that she should tell you how she feels and see what she will say.

I am calm bro. I have asked her the question and she dodges. She then comes back with "return to Nigeria" etc. and begins contacting me a lot. What do I want from her? I would like her to be open and honest about how she feels for me. I do not know how she feels for me, but there have been plenty of clues. I have no idea if she would consider marrying me if she loved me...I assume she would, as this is what people usually do. She has brought up the subject of marriage in general terms more often than me.

I would love to move on...however her constant calling and mind games makes that a little tricky.

baralatie: @op i believe she must be a very beautiful woman and she knows what she wants!
From everytin u av described she is from a strong rel background.
She is a mature woman!

She is not that beautiful. It is her attitude that I like. If she knows what she wants, why cant she tell me. To me a mature person is honest and open about their feelings. They do not selfishly string people along for attention.

I understand that she may care about my feelings, but she cannot see that in truth, she is hurting them more by not being honest. It shows a lack of respect, respect which I have shown to her.

What she wants: For me to return to Nigeria.

What I want: For her to tell me WHY she wants me to return to Nigeria (and I have told her this).

There is only one reason I would return...and that is to be with her, to be in a ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP. Anything else would just be a waste of my time and would be emotionally painful.

She knows my feelings for her and I am surprised that she cannot appreciate the situation.

I would like to move on...and I do not have a problem with doing this. But unfortunately, given the situation and what has been said already, this would involve not talking to her indefinitely. If she had just been honest. Perhaps this would have been different because I would know where I stood.

@op!it hurts!
it is wel!

baralatie: @op!it hurts!
it is wel!

It hurts being strung along and played with. The lack of honesty hurts, not losing her.

In that sense, by being honest about how I feel, I have been the mature one, not her.

Actually f.uc.k it. To be honest. It is her loss. I have given myself and her so many chances with this. I have things going for me, I now have a good government job. I am kind, calm and easygoing. I am friendly and I can flirt with the best of them. I am confident and self aware. I can assert myself and stand up for myself, most importantly, now, I can tell people how I feel, regardless of the consequences. I have two degrees, I have traveled, I have volunteered for charity, I have a family and friends.

I have a lot going for myself and I feel stupid for even letting her get to me. I will find other women and I will tell them how I feel about them fearlessly, I am not sure she will ever be able to do the same with a guy. But it is her loss.

I am going to block every call from her from now on. If she brings the whole "are you fighting with me?/us?" stuff again. I am just going to tell her straight:

"I really liked you and cared about you. I even loved you. I wanted to be with you and just you. But you messed me about. I have nothing against you or your family. But you cannot be honest with me. You do not respect me and I think its best if we do not talk for a while. I am sorry."

and that will be that.

TrickofTech: Actually f.uc.k it. To be honest. It is her loss. I have given myself and her so many chances with this. I have things going for me, I now have a good government job. I am kind, calm and easygoing. I am friendly and I can flirt with the best of them. I am confident and self aware. I can assert myself and stand up for myself, most importantly, now, I can tell people how I feel, regardless of the consequences. I have two degrees, I have traveled, I have volunteered for charity, I have a family and friends.

I have a lot going for myself and I feel stupid for even letting her get to me. I will find other women and I will tell them how I feel about them fearlessly, I am not sure she will ever be able to do the same with a guy. But it is her loss.

I am going to block every call from her from now on. If she brings the whole "are you fighting with me?/us?" stuff again. I am just going to tell her straight:

"I really liked you and cared about you. I even loved you. I wanted to be with you and just you. But you messed me about. I have nothing against you or your family. But you cannot be honest with me. You do not respect me and I think its best if we do not talk for a while. I am sorry."

and that will be that.

Bravo!! Now, that's what am talking about. Its funny how you express urself.

U re in a psuedo relationship,more than a frnd but less of a boyfriend.let me go biblical jesus said if u re neither hot nor cold he wud spit u out in revelations.so take cue frm our lord and saviour and spew her out lol.hw can u come to nigeria cos of a grl haba! U shd b a man to define ur relationship,d fault is urs...don't let any1 play games wit u.no subtly words wit hidden meanings jst come straight.ask her direct questions that demand direct answers abi u de fear am?

eeewise: U re in a psuedo relationship,more than a frnd but less of a boyfriend.let me go biblical jesus said if u re neither hot nor cold he wud spit u out in revelations.so take cue frm our lord and saviour and spew her out lol.hw can u come to nigeria cos of a grl haba! U shd b a man to define ur relationship,d fault is urs...don't let any1 play games wit u.no subtly words wit hidden meanings jst come straight.ask her direct questions that demand direct answers abi u de fear am?

Haha! The woman should have no role in defining the relationship! She should be a slave to the mans whims! What he says, what he wants it to be. I feel sorry for you and your women. I am sure (and I hope that) not all Nigerians think this way. A relationship involves two people. It should be a shared understanding, with input from both people.

I have been "a man" as you put it. I said I want to be with her, I have told her how I feel about her, what I am hoping for. You are partly right...I get the feeling that she is sitting there passively waiting for me to tell her what to think, what is going to happen...without her giving anything.

I have to ask, do I want a woman like that anyway? I cannot tell her what I feel will happen without her telling me some more about herself, what her hopes and feelings are...and I have asked, but she reverts to playing games.

I have been plenty honest and open. I have taken big risks and expressed my feelings to her. I have asked her direct questions, I have said what I want...to be with HER...it is she that cannot reply in a direct way.

So personally, I do not think the problem is with me.

In the west, women tend to have a bit more of a choice and role in directing the path of a relationship...clearly she does not want to do that all. Almost like "well if you like me, click you fingers and magic up a relationship and situation where we can be together". As if it is that easy. It would be a lot easier if there was some disclosure from her. It takes two to tango!

If she does like me, she is pretty stupid for not telling me DIRECTLY as I have with her.

But as I have said, it is her loss, I will find someone more honest, open and clear about what they want. I will move on. Judging her character, I don't think she ever will.