baralatie: 7
stil defending extra-intimacy behaviour to the last spleen.

U must posses an ambition to stick to more than one woman wit a passion.

Define Cheating to me, cos I don't see where I am defending Extra-marital whatever...... They are not married yet.
I ask again, if this guy sticks to only this babe in all things including online chat, and the girl wakes up tomorrow and says something like "It is not the WILL OF GOD for us to marry as Man and Wife" what will you then tell this guy?

Donxavier: Cancer

I think your sis should have a heart to heart talk with him.

This is the only advice I will give to OPs sister. anyother thing is based on assumption.
NB
Aunty CC,
See the wahala I collect as if I am the the guy in question.
@Chili
I tire ohh. The couples don kiss and make up, I dey here they defend guy man.

@Efe you see Abali's mindset? Well 80% of the population here in Nigeria have that mindset. It is a general believe in Nigeria that a woman who has high tolerance for shittaking is good wife material. That is what love looks like to many people,woman chop shit the man plays around until he gets "bornagain" or is tired before and after marriage and the woman who stays through all this gets a hidden medal of honour somehwhere in a hidden world.

This is the programme that is running in most peoples minds. Their mothers endured it and their fathers got away with it. They blame the prostitutes,they blame the other woman,they blame the attractive young lady for being attractive but they hardly blame the man. The ladies that hold the men to higher standards are considered too do.

I maintain that this is why we have poor leaders in our society. The men are given a free pass and are not held accountable. But a quality man will look out for a quality woman who will make him more and not less. More here is not about money but about character. And there are soooooo many quality men in the making or already made out there it now depends on what anyone actually wants. I also know there are many men who are determined to be low quality. A woman who tolerates bullcrap is not helping any man she is making him less and vice versa.

So the question this lady should be asking is "is this the kind of man I really want"? It does not matter whether he buys what and what, its his values and her values that matter. And her values may be that it is ok for a man to cheat.

^^^
Andromida,
I didn't start out like this. But sometimes being the FAITHFUL, CARING, AND LOVING guy does not pay much especially in this society of dog eat dog...
You won't really want your brother to court a lady, and maintain that saintly principle of being Faithful, Caring and Loving only for him to be given one flimsy excuse or another, why it wouldn't work out.
.A friend trained a girl from year one to final year, only for the girl to start cheating on him. He caught her more than once, and even her family defended the girl.
My friend took a walk, only for the girl to be disturbing his peace of mind.
... I mentioned earlier of my cousin sister that dumped her long suffering boyfriend (now husband) and married another, only for the marriage to crash in its first year and she went back to the Faithful, Loving and Caring boyfriend.
NB
Some of us have seen the reason why women shouldn't be treated so so good. At least until she bcomes Wifey. Some of these relationships drains a persons patiance and make PRINCIPLES HELD to fly out the window..

andromida: @Efe you see Abali's mindset? Well 80% of the population here in Nigeria have that mindset. It is a general believe in Nigeria that a woman who has high tolerance for shittaking is good wife material. That is what love looks like to many people,woman chop shit the man plays around until he gets "bornagain" or is tired before and after marriage and the woman who stays through all this gets a hidden medal of honour somehwhere in a hidden world.

This is the programme that is running in most peoples minds. Their mothers endured it and their fathers got away with it. They blame the prostitutes,they blame the other woman,they blame the attractive young lady for being attractive but they hardly blame the man. The ladies that hold the men to higher standards are considered too do.

I maintain that this is why we have poor leaders in our society. The men are given a free pass and are not held accountable. But a quality man will look out for a quality woman who will make him more and not less. More here is not about money but about character. And there are soooooo many quality men in the making or already made out there it now depends on what anyone actually wants. I also know there are many men who are determined to be low quality. A woman who tolerates bullcrap is not helping any man she is making him less and vice versa.

So the question this lady should be asking is "is this the kind of man I really want"? It does not matter whether he buys what and what, its his values and her values that matter. And her values may be that it is ok for a man to cheat.

The only issue I have with your write up is the 80% of Nigerian Men or population you talked about. Men cheat everywhere, it's been since time immemorial. There is a reason why they say Power is the ultimate aphrodisiac, and it's not going away. Just as Jesus said, the poor you will always have with you..... there will always be cheats everywhere. It's not about the mentality of ladies, it's more about the societal power balances in life. That said, the lady should talk some sense into the guy, he seems to just want to flirt around while keeping a decent wife

Abali1:

Aunty Efe,
This contradicts your earlier assertion that Material items and money are for only Omata boys and Mbeke Girls.
So you will actually cut a Guy loose if HE WAS SO CRASS AS TO FORGET GETTING ANYTHING FOR YOU ON YOUR BIRTHDAY, IRRESPECTIVE OF HIM BEING A FAITHFUL GUY.

Very funny but you're not wriggling out of this one that easily Oga Abali.

~ My reference to Omata guys and Mgbeke girls was in response to the comment you made that this guy was ready to marry @OP's sister, the proof being that he'd already bought material items in her name. I replied to that comment, saying using money in that manner is a lame trick and is the exclusive preserve for those groups of people - Omata's and Mgbekes.

~ My reference to cutting a crass guy loose was not based on how faithful he was, nor his money, but on simple gestures that indicate how much he cares. I would rather my man gives me rose, a card or good morning-happy-birthday kiss (or better still, all three + chocolates jare), on my birthday, than him buying the whole of Warri for me days after because he forgot my birthday. Anyway, that comment was in response to this post of yours:

Abali1: Well brought up girls with sound education and good parntal background will surely come to NL and complain that the guy is Faithful, but not caring and loving. Infact he is so stingy that he has never given me any present, nor taken me out for dinner or lunch...... NL, please should I marry him?
So therefore, buying her materials things is not a basis for her to accept marrying him. But it is a pointer to his nature.

I said it before and I'll say it again - money is not the be-all-and-end-all of a relationship. Yes, money is important and enhances the relationship, but if the foundation is built on shaky grounds, then expect the high-rise-building of hopes to topple over soon or later.

Now this, is what every decent, well-brought up girl worth her salt see - and not, he didn't buy me the latest BB, horsetail weave, Dada Osun, and so on.

Final Answer, "I give up".
I am done playing the Devils Advocate. As I will normally tell myself and anyone who is interested, "there is no justification for doing the wrong things".
NB
But I once read in the Bible that I shouldn't be too good or too evil. So I decided to stay in the middle after reading that passage.
Do not be overrighteous, neither be overwise— why destroy yourself?
Be not overmuch wicked, neither be thou foolish. Why shouldest thou die before thy time?
Ecclesiastes 7:16-17

Abali1:

Aunty CC,
See the wahala I collect as if I am the the guy in question.
@Chili
I tire ohh. The couples don kiss and make up, I dey here they defend guy man.

But you did say he's similar to you na! Abi?

Efemena_xy:



But you did say he's similar to you na! Abi?

Recently, I warned my girlfriend not snoop too much, especially my FB messages. But one day I slept off while she was holding on to the phone and I was logged in to FB..... When I woke up she threw a tantrum, and I reminded her that those I chat with online, remains online.
We made up, and she has stayed out of my phones since then.
So that is what I mean by being similar to the guy. Of course of my girl takes a walk because of that, I will give it some time and move on..

Abali1:
Define Cheating to me, cos I don't see where I am defending Extra-marital whatever...... They are not married yet.
I ask again, if this guy sticks to only this babe in all things including online chat, and the girl wakes up tomorrow and says something like "It is not the WILL OF GOD for us to marry as Man and Wife" what will you then tell this guy?

So once again u are telling me that becoz of the fear of 2morw.
+U cant trust the present woman u av(even if d wedding is 2mrw-she can leave u).therefore play safe and av 'extra-intimate affairs' by the side.u know its a man world.

THAT LINE OF TOT SHOWS A GUY WHO IS NOT CONFIDENT IN HIMSELF & ABILITIES
what is he afraid of?he tinks he cant satisfy his woman.is be haunted by past failure/mistakes.
Why would a guy go about swimming wit sharks.
Even we give a man with dat kind of tinking.d virgin wil leave.y?d girl wil see 'Fear of unknown' written al over him
now,u takking pre-marital and he is afraid.what wil happen during mariage when d woman start having babies,when they say honey i need u.and d guy is stij walking in 'fear of unknown.'

rit 4rm my school.i attended a counselg clas.the teacher said in response to a question"if a lady leaves u prior to ur wedding on her accord of which u as the man are not the cause no extra-intimate affairs,u as d man celebrate ur freedom from bondage. Of strange women"(it is a mystery i cant explain rit on this tread.)
he also continued when u come out of such relatinshp u tak a stand to get urself a much beta 1 not repeating the same mistakes like the 1st bt u dont go abt
keeping multiple extra-intimate relatnshp u are only deepening ur wunds of ur faild relatnshp becoz al u av is a rapid failur turnoveri. e a girl 2day anoda 2mrw.no is ur own dey belong to anoda man who eventualy marries them if compatible and u stil turn,turn!

Abali1:
Recently, I warned my girlfriend not snoop too much, especially my FB messages. But one day I slept off while she was holding on to the phone and I was logged in to FB..... When I woke up she threw a tantrum, and I reminded her that those I chat with online, remains online.
We made up, and she has stayed out of my phones since then.
So that is what I mean by being similar to the guy. Of course of my girl takes a walk because of that, I will give it some time and move on..

The babe stayed out of your phone cos she does same exact Thing! Only that women are smarter.

Na today?

baralatie:

Am sorry to say this you are confusing me with your write up.

Phema:

The babe stayed out of your phone cos she does same exact Thing! Only that women are smarter.

Na today?

Good for her.
I learned a long time ago that one of the prevention of Hypertension is to 'mind your business' and know your boundaries.
If anything is so important to know, you will definitely know it one or another.
If I snoop on her and find her chating with other guys what do you expect me to do? Freak out?
I got better things to do than monitoring a girl am dating.

Abali1:
Good for her.

Correct Dude! You should just make it an open relationship then since you really don't care.

Phema:

Correct Dude! You should just make it an open relationship then since you really don't care.

Please let's re-focus on the thread. If I need relationship advice, I will open a thread.

Abali1:
Am sorry to say this you are confusing me with your write up.

sorry,let me summarize
+fear of wether/wether not a woman wil be faithful should nt be a reason for extra-intimate affairs
+ man who finds himself in a situation where his fiancee walks out as a result of her own extra-intimate affai$ on her part should celebrate his freedom
+being a man he should look positive and drown himself in fear
+extra-intimate means swimng wit sharks

Abali1:
Please let's re-focus on the thread. If I need relationship advice, I will open a thread.

Didn't you know the thread was not all you when you brought your relationship into it?

Phema:

Didn't you know the thread was not all you when you brought your relationship issues on here?

Phema dear,
I didn't bring in all me into this thread. i only answered Aunty Efe's last question. Read my previous posts, I was only trying to present another side of an arguement.
The guy's side of the story hasn't been heard and I decided to assume the role of a defendant on behalf of the guy based on solely assumptions.

Abali1:
Phema dear,
I didn't bring in all me into this thread. i only answered Aunty Efe's last question. Read my previous posts, I was only trying to present another side of an arguement.
The guy's side of the story hasn't been heard and I decided to assume the role of a defendant on behalf of the guy based on solely assumptions.

Abali1 sweetheart, i didnt mean any harm. I just pointed something out to you. You should even be thanking me

Abali1:
Good for her.
I learned a long time ago that one of the prevention of Hypertension is to 'mind your business' and know your boundaries.
If anything is so important to know, you will definitely know it one or another.
If I snoop on her and find her chating with other guys what do you expect me to do? Freak out?
I got better things to do than monitoring a girl am dating.

I agree with you on this.

As far as I'm concerned, it's childish to go snooping into your other half's phone if there's no mutual consent from the beginning. If both parties agree to have password free phones, then good on them.

If one or the other is against it, then respect yourself and their privacy. Just because you're dating / betrothed / married to someone doesn't mean you're joined at the hip jare. It all boils down to trust at the end of the day - my opinion sha.

Phema:

Abali1 sweetheart, i didnt mean any harm. I just pointed something out to you. You should even be thanking me

Hmmm....
Sweetheart

Chillisauce:

Hmmm....
Sweetheart

Chili,
No come pour sand sand for my garri ohh.
Phema is the only babe on NL that have called me such sweet sounding, endearing name.....
Who knows, it may be the beginning of a 'new thing.'

Chillisauce:

Hmmm....
Sweetheart

Na so. . . . I wan join him "Facebook babes", since him babe no mind.

I can bet my november salary that the ops sister will still go ahead with the marriage even with all the advice that has been dished out. It never ceases to amaze me why a lot of nigerian ladies will knowingly walk into marriage with a man who shows signs of infidelity before marriage all because the want to be referred to as MRS. Marriage is a life long union and in nigeria where people are scared of divorce because of the shame and stigma most women end up enduring a bitter marriage for d rest of their lives. All d best.

amiraland:
I can bet my november salary that the ops sister will still go ahead with the marriage even with all the advice that has been dished out.

So because of your November Salary you want OP's sister to walk away from a man that makes her happy. Let me ask you, "Do You have a ''perfect man for her"?"
Nairaland is not REALITY LAND. A lot of ladies (and guys) are out there fasting and praying for a better half, some even complaining to the government and you want OP's sister to throw away the one she has.
NB
Only the lady in question can make that decision and no one else. November salary or not.

Abali1: ^^^
Andromida,
I didn't start out like this. But sometimes being the FAITHFUL, CARING, AND LOVING guy does not pay much especially in this society of dog eat dog...
You won't really want your brother to court a lady, and maintain that saintly principle of being Faithful, Caring and Loving only for him to be given one flimsy excuse or another, why it wouldn't work out.
.A friend trained a girl from year one to final year, only for the girl to start cheating on him. He caught her more than once, and even her family defended the girl.
My friend took a walk, only for the girl to be disturbing his peace of mind.
... I mentioned earlier of my cousin sister that dumped her long suffering boyfriend (now husband) and married another, only for the marriage to crash in its first year and she went back to the Faithful, Loving and Caring boyfriend.
NB
Some of us have seen the reason why women shouldn't be treated so so good. At least until she bcomes Wifey. Some of these relationships drains a persons patiance and make PRINCIPLES HELD to fly out the window..

Is it because some lady long time ago treated you bad every other lady you meet pays? Along the line you may just lose the right woman for you because you were so busy testing her by flirting, cheating, acting drama just to protect yourself. Why not just be your real self and accept what you like and reject what you don't want instead of trying to be a playboy thinking women don't like to be treated too good and ending up with women with low self esteem.

Abali1:
So because of your November Salary you want OP's sister to walk away from a man that makes her happy. Let me ask you, "Do You have a ''perfect man for her"?"
Nairaland is not REALITY LAND. A lot of ladies (and guys) are out there fasting and praying for a better half, some even complaining to the government and you want OP's sister to throw away the one she has.
NB
Only the lady in question can make that decision and no one else. November salary or not.

A man sexting and all sorts if making a woman happy?

If she was happy, will she complain to her brother/sister or will this thread exist?

Like I said in an earlier thread, the meaning of 'happiness' seems to be constantly changing

The choice is in the OP sister's hands

The truth is this. The devil u know is better than d one u don't know. A lot of ladies c these signs in their r/ships and still enter. If he is gonna make her happy irrespective of the so called chats bluhaha, let her be.
We always want an idealistic husband and home but majority of us has to accept the reality on ground.
Armed robbers, ritualists, lazy bombom guys, yahoo guys r some ladies husbands and b4 marriage some of these ladies r aware.
Its still d same thing as knowing that ur lady is very extravagant,yet u chuk head or she was an aristo b4 she met u.
If the lady in question is the type that can handle such men(yes, each person has his or her match somewhere), by all means let her go ahead. Who knows she can use wisdom to turn him away from such acts. But if she is d type that is wiredd not to tolerate such men, its better she call it quit.
Then again, its her friends(assuming she told them)whom adviced her to run for her dear life that will still want to lure the guy their ways.

yellowpawpaw: The truth is this. The devil u know is better than d one u don't know. A lot of ladies c these signs in their r/ships and still enter. If he is gonna make her happy irrespective of the so called chats bluhaha, let her be.
We always want an idealistic husband and home but majority of us has to accept the reality on ground.
Armed robbers, ritualists, lazy bombom guys, yahoo guys r some ladies husbands and b4 marriage some of these ladies r aware.
Its still d same thing as knowing that ur lady is very extravagant,yet u chuk head or she was an aristo b4 she met u.
If the lady in question is the type that can handle such men(yes, each person has his or her match somewhere), by all means let her go ahead. Who knows she can use wisdom to turn him away from such acts. But if she is d type that is wiredd not to tolerate such men, its better she call it quit.
Then again, its her friends(assuming she told them)whom adviced her to run for her dear life that will still want to lure the guy their ways.

YPP,
abeg take e-five.
Chai! this your post pass any cool drink wey you wan buy for me. I already started doubting if I was making sense to only my self.
NB
OP, gather all these posts on this thread and dump it on your sisters lap. Let her read each carefully and make her choice.

cancerlib:
No exchange of blows and all that, I meant intense exchange of harsh words but later he calmed and begged her.

She caught him cheating and he still has mouth to say 'harsh words' Eiyaaah . . . poor girl (your sister).

I'm sure (like 80% of Nigerian girls), she'll still go ahead and marry him.

The good thing here is that she already knows what she's getting herself into. She'll get cheated on, on and off for a veeeery long time before he eventually gets tired. Int he meantime, she needs to pray for God's protection and guidance against STDs, love children e.t.c

Also, she needs to zero her mind and let him be. Monitoring him will only give her HBP and reduce her life span. She needs to turn a blind eye to his philandering ways and enjoy the other aspects of him she loves.

Above all, she needs to protect her interest and those of her future kids. No joint accounts, no joint investments, no joint projects . . . she needs to have a safety net, something to fall back on 'in case'

Or she could do herself a big favor and take a walk now . . . .

Like aunty CC said we are wired to be jealous. And if you love someone , you should care that someone else is coming to your territory. I don't know anyone that will wake up and accept someone cheating on him/her when he/she isn't cheating. Even if the person is cheating he/she wouldn't accept being cheated on.

Like I said before it is emotionally draining to have a guy that is busy flirting with all sorts of girls online. And even worst that the chats are being deleted and call logs are never kept. How can one breeds trust in such relationship? We shouldn't condone what is morally wrong, No matter the likes of how Abail1 wants to garnish it. What is wrong is wrong, he has been hurt severally so is that the reason to bring the poor girl and suffer her? If you can't forgive and let go of all the hurts then don't go into another relationship. I personally won't treat my hubby bad because I had been hurt in the past. I will focus on my marriage.

I have advised the girl to walk away from that relationship because the heartache isn't worth it. No matter the love and care and buying things in her name. No amount of sleepless night that will cover up for the happiness. I am in it and I can tell you categorically that the reason some of us stayed was fear of unknown and listening to advise that he would change. "When he marries you, he will know he is a married man so he will stop" That is the lie from pit of hell.

I have lost count of how many sleepless night I have because hubby is chatting with some girl and u ain't seeing the call log. Or he says he is going here and you get to realize that is the same some girl that he went to see. Don't let anybody deceive you, some usually moves from there. Before you know money will be exchanging hands and sex will be involved. They hide under the umbrella of just friends to commit adultery/fornication. It is not worth it and I will advise any girl that sees such signs should walk away. These are signs that the person never really loved you and maybe you are the virtuous woman he looks for. So he isn't perfect but looking for the perfect person.

I always asked one question, the men that condone this kind of habit. If the table were turned, will he accept this from his girl? In my own case, if I chat with someone for so long and immediately I abandon my phone, if you see the speed hubby will be scrolling to see who you are chatting with.

Most of them can't tolerate it and the men are usually the one that can't condone quarter of what they want the women to condone. As for me, I have resolved not to let it bother me again. Any day I get it up to my throat, I pick up my bag and take a walk. I am not in that category of better for worst o. I don't want to die early and I wouldn't want to spend my entire life with a man that doesn't appreciate such a rare gem as me. I end my case.