goodheart4God: Like aunty CC said we are wired to be jealous. And if you love someone , you should care that someone else is coming to your territory. I don't know anyone that will wake up and accept someone cheating on him/her when he/she isn't cheating. Even if the person is cheating he/she wouldn't accept being cheated on.

Like I said before it is emotionally draining to have a guy that is busy flirting with all sorts of girls online. And even worst that the chats are being deleted and call logs are never kept. How can one breeds trust in such relationship? We shouldn't condone what is morally wrong, No matter the likes of how Abail1 wants to garnish it. What is wrong is wrong, he has been hurt severally so is that the reason to bring the poor girl and suffer her? If you can't forgive and let go of all the hurts then don't go into another relationship. I personally won't treat my hubby bad because I had been hurt in the past. I will focus on my marriage.

I have advised the girl to walk away from that relationship because the heartache isn't worth it. No matter the love and care and buying things in her name. No amount of sleepless night that will cover up for the happiness. I am in it and I can tell you categorically that the reason some of us stayed was fear of unknown and listening to advise that he would change. "When he marries you, he will know he is a married man so he will stop" That is the lie from pit of hell.

I have lost count of how many sleepless night I have because hubby is chatting with some girl and u ain't seeing the call log. Or he says he is going here and you get to realize that is the same some girl that he went to see. Don't let anybody deceive you, some usually moves from there. Before you know money will be exchanging hands and sex will be involved. They hide under the umbrella of just friends to commit adultery/fornication. It is not worth it and I will advise any girl that sees such signs should walk away. These are signs that the person never really loved you and maybe you are the virtuous woman he looks for. So he isn't perfect but looking for the perfect person.

I always asked one question, the men that condone this kind of habit. If the table were turned, will he accept this from his girl? In my own case, if I chat with someone for so long and immediately I abandon my phone, if you see the speed hubby will be scrolling to see who you are chatting with.

Most of them can't tolerate it and the men are usually the one that can't condone quarter of what they want the women to condone. As for me, I have resolved not to let it bother me again. Any day I get it up to my throat, I pick up my bag and take a walk. I am not in that category of better for worst o. I don't want to die early and I wouldn't want to spend my entire life with a man that doesn't appreciate such a rare gem as me. I end my case.

Please don't neglect regular STD test . . let him also go for them. Health is wealth . .

It's well!

goodheart4God: Like aunty CC said we are wired to be jealous. And if you love someone , you should care that someone else is coming to your territory. I don't know anyone that will wake up and accept someone cheating on him/her when he/she isn't cheating. Even if the person is cheating he/she wouldn't accept being cheated on.

Like I said before it is emotionally draining to have a guy that is busy flirting with all sorts of girls online. And even worst that the chats are being deleted and call logs are never kept. How can one breeds trust in such relationship? We shouldn't condone what is morally wrong, No matter the likes of how Abail1 wants to garnish it. What is wrong is wrong, he has been hurt severally so is that the reason to bring the poor girl and suffer her? If you can't forgive and let go of all the hurts then don't go into another relationship. I personally won't treat my hubby bad because I had been hurt in the past. I will focus on my marriage.

I have advised the girl to walk away from that relationship because the heartache isn't worth it. No matter the love and care and buying things in her name. No amount of sleepless night that will cover up for the happiness. I am in it and I can tell you categorically that the reason some of us stayed was fear of unknown and listening to advise that he would change. "When he marries you, he will know he is a married man so he will stop" That is the lie from pit of hell.

I have lost count of how many sleepless night I have because hubby is chatting with some girl and u ain't seeing the call log. Or he says he is going here and you get to realize that is the same some girl that he went to see. Don't let anybody deceive you, some usually moves from there. Before you know money will be exchanging hands and sex will be involved. They hide under the umbrella of just friends to commit adultery/fornication. It is not worth it and I will advise any girl that sees such signs should walk away. These are signs that the person never really loved you and maybe you are the virtuous woman he looks for. So he isn't perfect but looking for the perfect person.

I always asked one question, the men that condone this kind of habit. If the table were turned, will he accept this from his girl? In my own case, if I chat with someone for so long and immediately I abandon my phone, if you see the speed hubby will be scrolling to see who you are chatting with.

Most of them can't tolerate it and the men are usually the one that can't condone quarter of what they want the women to condone. As for me, I have resolved not to let it bother me again. Any day I get it up to my throat, I pick up my bag and take a walk. I am not in that category of better for worst o. I don't want to die early and I wouldn't want to spend my entire life with a man that doesn't appreciate such a rare gem as me. I end my case.

i understand what u going through!dont mind ppl like 'abali & co'.
Pls calm down!
Be rest assure ur soln is on the way!

goodheart4God: Like aunty CC said we are wired to be jealous. And if you love someone , you should care that someone else is coming to your territory. I don't know anyone that will wake up and accept someone cheating on him/her when he/she isn't cheating. Even if the person is cheating he/she wouldn't accept being cheated on.

Like I said before it is emotionally draining to have a guy that is busy flirting with all sorts of girls online. And even worst that the chats are being deleted and call logs are never kept. How can one breeds trust in such relationship? We shouldn't condone what is morally wrong, No matter the likes of how Abail1 wants to garnish it. What is wrong is wrong, he has been hurt severally so is that the reason to bring the poor girl and suffer her? If you can't forgive and let go of all the hurts then don't go into another relationship. I personally won't treat my hubby bad because I had been hurt in the past. I will focus on my marriage.

I have advised the girl to walk away from that relationship because the heartache isn't worth it. No matter the love and care and buying things in her name. No amount of sleepless night that will cover up for the happiness. I am in it and I can tell you categorically that the reason some of us stayed was fear of unknown and listening to advise that he would change. "When he marries you, he will know he is a married man so he will stop" That is the lie from pit of hell.

I have lost count of how many sleepless night I have because hubby is chatting with some girl and u ain't seeing the call log. Or he says he is going here and you get to realize that is the same some girl that he went to see. Don't let anybody deceive you, some usually moves from there. Before you know money will be exchanging hands and sex will be involved. They hide under the umbrella of just friends to commit adultery/fornication. It is not worth it and I will advise any girl that sees such signs should walk away. These are signs that the person never really loved you and maybe you are the virtuous woman he looks for. So he isn't perfect but looking for the perfect person.

I always asked one question, the men that condone this kind of habit. If the table were turned, will he accept this from his girl? In my own case, if I chat with someone for so long and immediately I abandon my phone, if you see the speed hubby will be scrolling to see who you are chatting with.

Most of them can't tolerate it and the men are usually the one that can't condone quarter of what they want the women to condone. As for me, I have resolved not to let it bother me again. Any day I get it up to my throat, I pick up my bag and take a walk. I am not in that category of better for worst o. I don't want to die early and I wouldn't want to spend my entire life with a man that doesn't appreciate such a rare gem as me. I end my case.

It is well. I only wonder if everybody walks out of a relationship at the slightest hints of flirtation, how many people would be married today? With respect to the OP case, I feel the dude didn't go thru the phase of chasing girls and having fun before eventually settling down. He didn't 'rock life well'. His own is just probably starting and it will all pass in due course.

Donxavier:

It is well. I only wonder if everybody walks out of a relationship at the slightest hints of flirtation, how many people would be married today? With respect to the OP case, I feel the dude didn't go thru the phase of chasing girls and having fun before eventually settling down. He didn't 'rock life well'. His own is just probably starting and it will all pass in due course.

You call deleting call logs, openly dating other women, hiding the fact that he is engaged from other women, receiving calls from other women who think they have a chance, changing their names on his phone "slightest hints of flirtation"? He should flirt on his own time tell the girls he meets that he is not interested in anything serious he is just having fun. Many ladies will still date him but at least they know wassup but he is lying to himself he is not ready to marry.

All i know is it feels awful to be with a man who wants to date other women unless the woman in question has her own agenda for marrying such a man, maybe desperation, he has money, thinks she can't do better, poor self image,doesn't really care,thinks she can handle it among other issues but if she ever believes she can have a better man who is totally into her she will ex that man immediately. Who likes suffering?

andromida:

You call deleting call logs, openly dating other women, hiding the fact that he is engaged from other women, receiving calls from other women who think they have a chance, changing their names on his phone "slightest hints of flirtation"? He should flirt on his own time tell the girls he meets that he is not interested in anything serious he is just having fun. Many ladies will still date him but at least they know wassup but he is lying to himself he is not ready to marry.

All i know is it feels awful to be with a man who wants to date other women unless the woman in question has her own agenda for marrying such a man, maybe desperation, he has money, thinks she can't do better, poor self image,doesn't really care,thinks she can handle it among other issues but if she ever believes she can have a better man who is totally into her she will ex that man immediately. Who likes suffering?

My dear,

Welcome to Naija!

Donxavier:

I only wonder if everybody walks out of a relationship at the slightest hints of flirtation, how many people would be married today?

Abeg helep me 'axe' them ohh.

andromida:

You call deleting call logs, openly dating other women, hiding the fact that he is engaged from other women, receiving calls from other women who think they have a chance, changing their names on his phone "slightest hints of flirtation"? He should flirt on his own time tell the girls he meets that he is not interested in anything serious he is just having fun. Many ladies will still date him but at least they know wassup but he is lying to himself he is not ready to marry.

All i know is it feels awful to be with a man who wants to date other women unless the woman in question has her own agenda for marrying such a man, maybe desperation, he has money, thinks she can't do better, poor self image,doesn't really care,thinks she can handle it among other issues but if she ever believes she can have a better man who is totally into her she will ex that man immediately. Who likes suffering?

i give u a big hi_five!
Gbosa!

,

andromida:

You call deleting call logs, openly dating other women, hiding the fact that he is engaged from other women, receiving calls from other women who think they have a chance, changing their names on his phone "slightest hints of flirtation"? He should flirt on his own time tell the girls he meets that he is not interested in anything serious he is just having fun. Many ladies will still date him but at least they know wassup but he is lying to himself he is not ready to marry.

All i know is it feels awful to be with a man who wants to date other women unless the woman in question has her own agenda for marrying such a man, maybe desperation, he has money, thinks she can't do better, poor self image,doesn't really care,thinks she can handle it among other issues but if she ever believes she can have a better man who is totally into her she will ex that man immediately. Who likes suffering?

Sis,
He's going through a phase and it will pass in due course. I still believe a heart to heart discussion will resolve this matter. Exing him immediately shouldn't be the first course of action.

Abali1:
I have seen a philanderer in his youth marry, and be content with only his wife.
Somethings can turn a very good guy to a flirt. It takes a strong and committed woman to bring him back to his original self, to re-format his brain cells so to speak.

Honestly this is nonsense. No woman can change any man that does not want to change. Any man waiting for the woman that will change his is not a man. Any woman that is hoping to change a man is a fool.

Donxavier:

Sis,
He's going through a phase and it will pass in due course. I still believe a heart to heart discussion will resolve this matter. Exing him immediately shouldn't be the first course of action.

I agree with you that he may be going through a phase. He wants flings all good. The thing is he is not honest with himself that he still wants to party. He is not ready to be with one woman and when he is ready if she is still single and wants him back well......in the meantime she should go for her own happiness and in the process she may find a ready man but I know this will not happen most likely even her mother will advise patience as the course of action. As someone rightly said, fear of the unknown will keep her there.

Donxavier:

Sis,
He's going through a phase and it will pass in due course. I still believe a heart to heart discussion will resolve this matter. Exing him immediately shouldn't be the first course of action.

the problem i av with these 'phase theory' is will the woman also be allow to go on exactly this type of "phase sabatical"

Ujujoan:

Please don't neglect regular STD test . . let him also go for them. Health is wealth . .

It's well!

Uju I believe he is a smart man who wouldn't want to expose his life STD so I guess he would be using protection.

goodheart4God:

Uju I believe he is a smart man who wouldn't want to expose his life STD so I guess he would be using protection.

Na wa o!

It's painful reading that!

How do you cope? Does he not care how you feel at all?

baralatie:

i understand what u going through!dont mind ppl like 'abali & co'.
Pls calm down!
Be rest assure ur soln is on the way!

I believe one day he will get tired of all these. Abali is just suffering from heartache because of what girls have done to him in the past. He feels by living that kind of life he is protecting his heart from being broken again. I must tell him that he is just disturbing himself because if he doesn't let go of the past hurt and treat his new relationship the way it is. He will keep on having women cheating on him because of his lifestyle. It isn't every woman that knows how to wind, some simply ignore and starts cheating. I can bet my life that women are the smartest cheat ever. Men don't just know that.

Donxavier:

It is well. I only wonder if everybody walks out of a relationship at the slightest hints of flirtation, how many people would be married today? With respect to the OP case, I feel the dude didn't go thru the phase of chasing girls and having fun before eventually settling down. He didn't 'rock life well'. His own is just probably starting and it will all pass in due course.

Donxavier, you wouldn't understand because you may not have been there before. What is the used in life when you have one life to live and you are not happy you are living. Some people can't just stand the heartache so they leave. Human should be treated with dignity. If the OP sister's fiance feels he still has life to enjoy, he shouldn't have asked for commitment. My grouse is that you are not ready to forsake all others and cleave to her yet you carry your two left leg and go to the woman's village and introduce yourself that you want to marry their daughter. People should be emotionally ready before committing other people to your lifestyle.

Donxavier:

Sis,
He's going through a phase and it will pass in due course. I still believe a heart to heart discussion will resolve this matter. Exing him immediately shouldn't be the first course of action.

Sometimes you can't have a heart to heart discussion with some one with a mindset. If a man has a mindset that what he is doing is right. What kind of heart to heart discussion will solve the mentality? Well like you say it is a phase, I hope women are allowed to have that kind of phase.

Abali1:
Abeg helep me 'axe' them ohh.

My only prayer for you that whatsoever you wished your girlfriends or wife-to-be to accept, may God give her the same heart to start doing what you are doing and give you the love with full portion to accept them. Amen. Before you swear for me just say Amen. I am just giggling as am typing this.

goodheart4God:

I believe one day he will get tired of all these. Abali is just suffering from heartache because of what girls have done to him in the past. He feels by living that kind of life he is protecting his heart from being broken again. I must tell him that he is just disturbing himself because if he doesn't let go of the past hurt and treat his new relationship the way it is. He will keep on having women cheating on him because of his lifestyle. It isn't every woman that knows how to wind, some simply ignore and starts cheating. I can bet my life that women are the smartest cheat ever. Men don't just know that.

i cant write the numerous acct i av seen;my co-worker,my friends,y much older ppl that are close to me.if i should tel what my eye saw?aaah!the pain al parties went thro?
Som of tie wives decided to give theiv own dose-the result were a disaster.1 husband died of heartatack,my co worker nearly lost his for two weeks(thank God he&his wife are now reunited)i can stil others.
I pray that God wil give u peace of mind in ur relationship

goodheart4God:

Uju I believe he is a smart man who wouldn't want to expose his life STD so I guess he would be using protection.

If he was so smart he won't be creeping around now would he

Protection could fail you know . . . Just do the tests to be on the safe side, what do you have to lose

Don't be one of the statistics . . .

Donxavier:

It is well. I only wonder if everybody walks out of a relationship at the slightest hints of flirtation, how many people would be married today? With respect to the OP case, I feel the dude didn't go thru the phase of chasing girls and having fun before eventually settling down. He didn't 'rock life well'. His own is just probably starting and it will all pass in due course.

Seriously, did you just say that

I wonder what we'll say to women who got married as virgins . . . is it also cool for them to 'rock life well' while married

goodheart4God:

My only prayer for you that whatsoever you wished your girlfriends or wife-to-be to accept, may God give her the same heart to start doing what you are doing and give you the love with full portion to accept them. Amen. Before you swear for me just say Amen. I am just giggling as am typing this.

Why will I swear for you? I have come to accept that it's a dog eat dog 'relationship' world. I have been there, believe me.
I have been good and was hurt. I tried being bad, and couldn't. I went back to be good and was hurt severly again, and again and again.
Do you know that at each end of a relationship journey, I will call the lady on phone and pray for her to find the peace and happiness that she seeks. Early this year, I actually invited the last one and ask her to kneel while we pray. Cos I know that relationship journey is not always easy.
The funny thing is that all, even the married Ex, wants to keep being friends. I may sound like a bad boy, but..........
NB
I think I have found the one, but I am afraid to believe and trust again.

Ujujoan:

Seriously, did you just say that

I wonder what we'll say to women who got married as virgins . . . is it also cool for them to 'rock life well' while married

Some are virgins only in a unbroken hymen. A virgin who indulges in all sorts, is no longer a virgin.

Abali1:
Why will I swear for you? I have come to accept that it's a dog eat dog 'relationship' world. I have been there, believe me.
I have been good and was hurt. I tried being bad, and couldn't. I went back to be good and was hurt severly again, and again and again.
Do you know that at each end of a relationship journey, I will call the lady on phone and pray for her to find the peace and happiness that she seeks. Early this year, I actually invited the last one and ask her to kneel while we pray. Cos I know that relationship journey is not always easy.
The funny thing is that all, even the married Ex, wants to keep being friends. I may sound like a bad boy, but..........
NB
I think I have found the one, but I am afraid to believe and trust again.

do not carry the wrng behaviour!

baralatie:
i cant write the numerous acct i av seen;my co-worker,my friends,y much older ppl that are close to me.if i should tel what my eye saw?aaah!the pain al parties went thro?
Som of tie wives decided to give theiv own dose-the result were a disaster.1 husband died of heartatack,my co worker nearly lost his for two weeks(thank God he&his wife are now reunited)i can stil others.
I pray that God wil give u peace of mind in ur relationship

Please write let everybody learn from it jare. Most men can't stand that cheating stuff from the wife.

Efemena_xy:

Na wa o!

It's painful reading that!

How do you cope? Does he not care how you feel at all?

Well God has been my strength not to loose, I wake up every morning talking to myself that you are a queen and you can't allow any man control your happiness. We used to talk a lot about it and sometimes he would apologize and promised to deal with it. But for where, you know that "dealing with it'' is to become more discreet so that you wouldn't suspect. Goes back to the way it was. So later I just got tired of talking about it because he feels am unreasonable to complain, because to him nothing is going on with the girls. They are just friends so I should live with it. Some humans are just wicked.

Ujujoan:

If he was so smart he won't be creeping around now would he

Protection could fail you know . . . Just do the tests to be on the safe side, what do you have to lose

Don't be one of the statistics . . .

Uju I bet you am fine and I do my checks, like I said he is smart I don't think he wants to die now. So he knows he should use protection.

Abali1:
Why will I swear for you? I have come to accept that it's a dog eat dog 'relationship' world. I have been there, believe me.
I have been good and was hurt. I tried being bad, and couldn't. I went back to be good and was hurt severly again, and again and again.
Do you know that at each end of a relationship journey, I will call the lady on phone and pray for her to find the peace and happiness that she seeks. Early this year, I actually invited the last one and ask her to kneel while we pray. Cos I know that relationship journey is not always easy.
The funny thing is that all, even the married Ex, wants to keep being friends. I may sound like a bad boy, but..........
NB
I think I have found the one, but I am afraid to believe and trust again.

Please sit back and enjoy the relationship if she is the one. Don't use the sins of Abraham to punish the Isaac's. If she hasn't given you the reason to doubt her trust. Let go of the past and be happy here again. I wish you all the best. Please do invite me to the wedding. I show love some partying.

Ujujoan:

Seriously, did you just say that

I wonder what we'll say to women who got married as virgins . . . is it also cool for them to 'rock life well' while married

Uju please ask him o, some people will always want to garnish wrong things.

There she saw he has been philandering with so many girls and the brutal part the girls doesn't know he's engaged. She told him and they fought over it, one of his sis intervened and they settled. The guy said it was nothing serious just fun.
After they've settled, d girls never stopped calling, she pointed this out to him. Instead of rectifying this, he changed the names so she won't suspect a thing.

Not sure what philandering means in this context - is it sexual chatting or more than that? To be honest, it's not unusual for a guy to be nervous about what being monogamous entails, and some express this by 'testing' their ability to still attract other women - it's still wrong though.

That said, each problem has to be approached on its merits not on previous experience (even while learning from them) - if this is simply a case of chatting, she needs to have a heart to heart talk with the man and set out her cards - stop or this marriage cannot proceed. If the sister who helped previously needs to be brought in then so be it.

Trust is a big issue here and needs to be resolved quickly before the marriage. I know it may simply be his 'one last time' phase before he cuts them all off, but it may also be much more. My suggestion would be, if possible postpone the wedding by a few months to rebuild this trust.

The truth is no one is 100% good or 100% bad, but the 'badness' should be 'reasonable' and be what you can withstand before embarking on marriage. If this type of behaviour is not something she can tolerate, then pull out now before it's too late.

goodheart4God:

Uju I believe he is a smart man who wouldn't want to expose his life STD so I guess he would be using protection.

hmm! dis statement gave me tears.. seriously, aw r u coppn with him... hush!

Uju, Goodheart.

I can't speak for all men. I can only speak for myself. Growing up as a young kid, I was so shy and lonely and socially awkward. I couldn't get a date to save my life . It was that bad. All these went on from primary school to secondary. After secondary, I sat down one day and asked myself why am i like this? I was so afraid of girls, dating and all. Besides, I was curious too. I wanted to touch b.reasts and know how they felt and have sexx and romance. I made up my mind I was going to date as many ladies as I could handle . I entered Uni, and I went on dating spree different girls until i met my sweetheart. I didn't immediately stop the escapades, but it was gradually reducing and it was easier to hide since I have always been cris crossing naija and jand, and my type of gf she would most definitely had caught me if not for that cos she's the type that always likes to stay on top of things. A time came I decided it was enough, I guess it was maturity. I stopped it all and sticked to her. And I have not looked back ever since. Sometimes I smile and look back and just wonder what was going through my mind then in my teenage years..it's like football too there was a time when i was so crazy about Real madrid and all and right now i think back and I am like wtf were they giving me any money. Right now, my mentality about marriage is that if you are married, honor your vows. Stick with your wife and care about your woman. But it was a journey to get there and I didn't start out as a saint.
That's my own reasoning and that's why I said it's a phase. Especially if it's only these flirtatious tendencies that the man exhibits. That's why I said a heart to heart discussion may also solve this because technically they ain't married yet and if the lady speaks her heart out she would win.

Now to the million dollar question? Would I allow for the roles to be reversed? .....Honestly I don't know the answer to the question. cos my Mrs is a virtuous woman and that has been her life and mentality. I honestly don't know if I could tolerate such from her, even though I expect her to tolerate me(in an hypothetical case) if I cheated simply because I won't make it a habit or become a serial cheater or womaniser. But even for once, I don't know if I could tolerate my wife cheating.

I have definitely open pandora's box and have given the team feminists ammunition to attack me with .

baralatie:
i cant write the numerous acct i av seen;my co-worker,my friends,y much older ppl that are close to me.if i should tel what my eye saw?aaah!the pain al parties went thro?
Som of tie wives decided to give theiv own dose-the result were a disaster. 1 husband died of heartatack,my co worker nearly lost his for two weeks(thank God he&his wife are now reunited)i can stil others.
I pray that God wil give u peace of mind in ur relationship

I think you need to explain the bolded bit more. What happened?

Ujujoan:

Seriously, did you just say that

I wonder what we'll say to women who got married as virgins . . . is it also cool for them to 'rock life well' while married

But they are not married yet . Anyway i get your point. Honestly, the dude needs to be talked too by someone he respects and listens too. He is efing up

chaircover:

@don, if he is not ready then he is not ready and he can sow his wild oats for as long as he can no one is against him for that . . . . he should only try and tie a woman down when he is truly truly ready to settle down. its unfair of him to try and adjust AFTER the marriage. What if he turns out to be like sis goodheart4Gods husband and he never changes? You yourself can see how much pain this sister is in.

Agreed

Donxavier:

Right now, my mentality about marriage is that if you are married, honor your vows. Stick with your wife and care about your woman.

Good point.

chaircover: Bro Abali, dont give up and dont change. You just haven't found the right one yet

My only concern is why are they all playing fast ones on you? Where are you meeting these girls? What are you flashing in front of them? What are they befriending? You or your assets? . . . . . . maybe that is the root cause of the matter.

The Bolded, is one of the reason that makes me behave as if I have changed.
When you are good to people (not just girls), the ride rough shod over you. But if you behave as if you are truely bad/evil you see people being careful and thinking things through before they offend you. Because they believe that you will not let the 'hurt' go unpunish and they will definitly lose your friendship.
Aunty CC, Change is constant. I try not to be too good or too bad.... At least I avoid both extremes. But I got to do what I got to do to protect heart from hurt.
I always have some ladies stand-by as friends incase my 'Angel' decides to chop winch over night.